


this is the way that we love (like it's forever)

by CoffeeAndArrows, moonlitprincess



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Eventual Romance, Exes, F/F, Romance, Slow Burn, so enjoy that, technically it's enemies to friends to lovers to exes to enemies to friends to lovers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-14
Updated: 2020-09-27
Packaged: 2021-01-30 10:04:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 27
Words: 208,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21426430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CoffeeAndArrows/pseuds/CoffeeAndArrows, https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonlitprincess/pseuds/moonlitprincess
Summary: "Sara had managed not to cry all day. The entire service - eulogy, the whole decorated veteran tribute with the bagpipes and the flag, everything. She had been fine. But now, Ava Sharpe walking into the damn garage and looking at Nate like they were friends - of course that did it.They were friends. They were friends because it had been five years since Sara had been in this city, since she’d properly hung out with any of them, since she knew what was going on in their lives. And apparently, in five years, Nate and Ava had become friends. Nate Heywood (who had once been as good as family), was now closer to Ava Sharpe (who had once been the love of Sara’s life) than he was to Sara."ORsara & ava were college sweethearts with their whole lives planned out together, but their relationship didn't make it past graduation. five years after escaping the breakup by moving to LA, sara is forced to return to star city only to find that everybody else's lives have moved on without her - including ava's.
Relationships: Ava Sharpe/Original Character(s), Nora Darhk/Ray Palmer, Sara Lance/Ava Sharpe
Comments: 588
Kudos: 1367
Collections: Favorite Avalance Fanfics





	1. does anybody really know (if it's the end of our beginning)

**Author's Note:**

> well hi. 
> 
> we're back. 
> 
> okay let's put a big more enthusiasm into that because we are BACK TEAM with a brand new au that we have planned meticulously and are so so so excited for and holy shit we hope you are too because we've missed you guys! and writing together! and getting to post stuff and interact with you and be excited about a story we're creating! 
> 
> this one is very close to the heart because it's definitely therapy in fic form after a very rough couple of months so this fic is gonna be a Lot of angst and a lot of very real emotions, but it's also gonna be full of all the things you know and love from us (softness pining slow burn angst flashbacks etc etc etc) so hold on tight, as always ,it's gonna be a damn rollercoaster. 
> 
> lots of love from chim & rachel <3 
> 
> (p.s. pls show us the love if u do indeed like this fic! we have missed u all and we're so excited to hear what u think!) 
> 
> (p.p.s. chapter title is from holding on and letting go by ross copperman)

** _July, 2019:_ **

It was raining. 

Sara hated the rain. That was one reason she had moved away, moved to LA. She hated how gross and bulky raincoats looked on her frame, hated having to lug umbrellas around, hated wearing waterproof shoes, hated the feeling of raindrops down her back, hated wet ruined hair - all of it. 

Today, not so much. 

Because this was a beautiful city and today of all days, Sara didn’t want it to look beautiful. She didn’t want to see the sun glinting off the clocktower in the city square, or smell the fresh popcorn from the decades old vintage movie cinema, or hear the quiet rush of water down at the docks. Today, Sara appreciated the rain. She was glad that the fields on campus were flooding and the cars were speeding through overflowing gutters and the mechanics garage was dark and quiet and smelt like petrol while the storm raged endlessly outside.

Sara’s bottle of beer was cold, the dripping condensation falling onto her already rain splattered heels. She didn’t really drink beer anymore, but she put the bottle to her lips and took a long, bitter swing anyway. 

The back door of the garage - the one Jax had never oiled the hinges of - creaked loudly. Probably Mick. (High heels clicked loudly against the concrete floor. Not Mick. Probably Kendra. Maybe even Amaya. Sara didn’t look up, just took another sip of beer.) 

“Hey,” said Nate from his seat next to her, voice soft and hoarse with a warm affection. (_ Had _to be Amaya.) “Beer?” 

“Please.” 

It was like every raindrop falling from the sky in the whole city had suddenly poured down Sara’s back. Her stomach lurched. With shaking hands, she put the half empty bottle on the ground beside her and reluctantly let her eyes flicker up. There was a gentle but heartbroken warmth in Ava’s eyes as she took the beer from Nate and carefully sat beside him. 

Sara had managed not to cry all day. The entire service - eulogy, the whole decorated veteran tribute with the bagpipes and the flag, _ everything. _ She had been fine. But now, Ava Sharpe walking into the damn garage and looking at Nate like they were _ friends _ \- of course that did it. 

They were friends. They were friends because it had been five years since Sara had been in this city, since she’d properly hung out with any of them, since she knew what was going on in their lives. And apparently, in five years, Nate and Ava had become friends. Nate Heywood (who had once been as good as family), was now closer to Ava Sharpe (who had once been the love of Sara’s life) than he was to Sara.

Sara stood up and walked out of the garage.

  
  


* * *

** _January, 2012:_ **

_ “Look at this Aves. Look at all of this. It’s - it’s fucking incredible. I know I sound like the biggest nerd ever but God, can you believe that this stuff is real? This is history. Real, actual history, all of this stuff happened and we didn’t even make it up. How cool is that?” _

_ Ava laughed, a soft, quiet, I’m-so-in-love-with-you laugh that made Sara glance up from her textbook and look over at her. _

_ “You think I’m stupid, don’t you, all high and mighty ‘I’m a freakin’ international relations student and I’m better than you -’” _

_ “Sara,” interrupted Ava, easing the textbook from Sara’s hands with a wry smile. “I don’t think you’re stupid. I think you’re beautiful. And passionate. And so smart. And yes, you’re right - it’s incredible, all of it.” _

_ Sara bit her lip, glancing down at her lap. “Never thought I’d be the kind of person to geek out over something like this. You’re making me soft, Sharpe.” _

_ Ava rolled her eyes, ignoring the quip. “Where would you go? If you could choose one of these things to see, right now, jump on a plane. What would you want to see?” _

_ Sara traced a finger over the textbook’s photograph of Petra in Jordan. She smiled. “Everywhere. I’d want to go everywhere.” She paused. “I’m _ ** _going _ ** _ to go everywhere, one day.” _

_ Ava let out another laugh, just as soft, a little more reverent, still just as in love. “I guess I’m gonna have to follow you everywhere then, aren’t I?” _

  
  


* * *

Sara had assumed no one would find her here. It’d been years since she’d stopped climbing to the top of the library and curling herself away in the stacks, and she’d made her way here quickly enough to give no one the chance to follow. Not that she expected them to - they were a group, close-knit and mourning and focused on making sure each other were okay. A group she wasn’t part of, not anymore. She’d cut herself off, and they’d woven themselves back together, seamlessly filling the gap she’d left behind.

It was her fault. She’d given this up when she walked away, and she should’ve known better than to expect it to be here waiting for her when she came back. (Although when it came down to it, she hadn’t had a choice. She either stayed here, with Ava, every broken sentence and subtle glance a reminder of the world crumbling between them, or she left. She’d _ had _ to leave.)

But when she’d packed she’d made sure to leave a piece of her heart here, assuming it would be safe and carefully protected, only to come back and find it nowhere to be seen.

"Sara?" Amaya asked, tone gentle and worried whilst implying she'd attempted to catch Sara's attention at least once already. (Sara knew that tone. Once upon a time, Amaya had been her best friend. She remembered that tone from Amaya’s daily fond exasperation with her when she zoned out in class, procrastinated their studying, or got distracted by attractive people walking into the library (in other words, by Ava Sharpe walking into the library)). 

Sara blinked, dragging herself out of her thoughts, watching Amaya's open expression fall slightly in concern. Amaya hadn't changed. Her hair was longer, her clothes more sophisticated, but the kindness in her eyes and the way her hand twitched at her side as if she wanted to reach out and take Sara’s was all the Amaya Sara remembered, from back before she'd let her slip away. If they'd been younger she would've reached out in a heartbeat, pulling Sara closer to her and pressing a kiss to her forehead and promising her that she was there, and that no matter what was weighing down her heart, she would listen. 

Amaya had always been there, before. She'd been the first one Sara would go to for help and the first one to pull her aside and ask her if she was okay.

Only this time when that once familiar question fell from Amaya's lips, Sara stumbled, a lie slipping from her tongue before she had the chance to catch it. “I'm alright.”

Amaya took a few hesitant steps closer, sinking to the floor and leaning against the opposite bookshelf, legs tucked neatly beneath herself. There was an unnaturally long pause as Amaya pieced together a response in her head, unsure how far she could push, hesitant to start a conversation that should’ve been had years ago, unsure how the familiar stranger sitting in front of her would respond. She sighed softly, eyes finding Sara’s no matter how hard Sara attempted to avoid them. 

“You’re not. None of us are remotely okay right now.” 

Sara leaned against the bookshelf, shivering a little. The downpour between the garage and the campus had left her soaked, and her jacket was in Ray’s car outside the garage. “Right,” she said in a small voice. “Yeah. I’m … not fine about … you know. That. Obviously. I’m fine about everything else though.” 

Amaya’s lips quirked upwards slightly. She leaned forward, resting her arms on her knees and nudging Sara’s foot with hers. “Everything else?” 

Sara glanced up, glaring at her. “Don’t patronise me Amaya,” she snapped, but she couldn’t hold her withering stare. Amaya was Amaya. Her smile was gentle and comforting, familiar, like her gaze was a hug all in itself and Sara couldn’t help but laugh a little, glancing down at her fidgeting hands in her lap. “Cut me some slack. Am I not allowed to pretend I’m okay about seeing my ex-girlfriend for the first time since college?” 

Amaya tucked some hair behind her ears, making a pair of delicate, shimmering gold earrings sway a little. Sara’s throat dried. She’d given Ava those earrings for their six month anniversary. Ava must’ve given them to Amaya after they broke up. Amaya didn’t seem to notice Sara’s sudden distraction. “Of course you’re allowed to pretend. I just want you to know you don’t have to pretend with me.” 

“We’re not us anymore,” said Sara before she could stop herself. “We haven’t been friends in a long time.” 

Hurt flashed across Amaya’s face but she schooled it quickly. “No, we’re not,” she agreed, smiling a little sadly. She ran her fingers through her straightened hair. It was starting to curl from the rain, and Sara could see droplets of rain clinging to the corner eyelashes of Amaya’s eyes. Or maybe they were leftover tears. Sara knew that out of everybody, Amaya had stayed closest to Jax after his deployment, had been the one to check in on his mom, had picked him up from the airport when he came home. (Amaya was an avid Instagrammer, and even though Sara had lost touch with everyone, social media had been that one, thin, strained link back to everything she’d left behind.) 

Amaya didn’t say anything more. Their time apart, the deterioration of their friendship, the clear, unbreachable distance between them so clear. They weren’t them anymore. But they had been once, a long time ago, and Amaya didn’t move from where she was seated opposite Sara. 

And as much as it hurt that Sara didn’t know where she stood with Amaya after all this time, there was something overwhelmingly relieving that even though Amaya had stayed with Ava while Sara left five years ago, now, Amaya was staying for her too. 

  
  


* * *

** _One week ago: _ **

_ Saturday nights were good. The Saturday DJ had good music taste and was talented and god, a nine hour shift really sucked when you had to deal with creepy drunk guys, an overcrowded club, and last night’s closer not having ordered enough mixers to get them through the night all on top of bad music. Saturdays were good because there was good music and most of the creepy drunk guys were still too hungover from last night to have ventured to this end of town to find a girl to take home and Sara actually had some interesting customers to talk to. _

_ “Well aren’t you just somethin’,” drawled the pretty eyed, messy haired man nursing a beer in front of her. _

_ Emphasis on _ ** _some _ ** _ interesting customers to talk to. _

_ Sara rolled her eyes. “Can I help you?” _

_ The man grinned, an uncomfortable, nauseatingly predatory grin that made Sara want to smash a bottle over his head. “Not sure yet. Still just admiring the view.” _

_ “Uh huh, sure,” said Sara, wiping her hands on her apron and reaching out to grab one of the taxi business cards a little way down the bar. “You’re cut off man. Finish your beer and call a cab home.” _

_ “You comin’ with me gorgeous?” _

_ Sara resisted the urge to visibly gag. “Absolutely not.” To her overwhelming relief, her phone began buzzing in her back pocket and she gestured to her coworker, Johnny to take over from her while she tugged out her phone and slipped into the back room. _

_ “You skiving off Sara?” asked the chef, Pete. _

_ “Don’t I always,” replied Sara without missing a beat, shooting him a cocky smirk. “Gimme five okay? Just gotta take a call.” _

_ “You got two minutes. Tell your boyfriend you’re working.” _

_ “Oh Pete, don’t you know I only have eyes for you?” _

_ The other chefs laughed and Pete snorted with an exasperated but wry smile. “Three minutes, Sara.” _

_ “I’ll marry you Pete,” said Sara, blowing a kiss his way and letting her gaze flicker down to her still buzzing phone to check the caller ID. _

_ Incoming all: Amaya Jiwe. _

_ Sara stumbled, grip tightening around her phone. It was a Facebook call, because Sara had changed number four times over the past five years and it was around the third time that she’d stopped updating Amaya on it because they hadn’t talked in months anyway. They hadn’t spoken in over a year now. Sara let her weight fall against the wall next to her as she slowly dragged her thumb across the screen to answer the call. “Amaya?” _

_ A pause. _

_ “Sara.” She sounded upset. _

_ “What is it? What happened?” _

_ Another pause. Longer. “Are you alone?” _

_ “No, why?” _

_ “Is there anywhere you can go?” _

_ Sara exhaled. “Yeah. One sec.” She pushed open the back door of the kitchen, weaving through the admin office, the pantry, storage room and then stepped out the fire exit into the alleyway behind the bar. The night air was warm. It was always warm in LA. Sirens were wailing, obnoxious engines of expensive cars zooming on the freeway nearby. The smell of alcohol and cigarette smoke back here hung heavy in the air. “Okay,” Sara said, leaning against the grungy brick wall. “I’m alone.” _

_ Amaya didn’t reply, but Sara heard her sniffle, heard the quiet crack of tears as she sucked in a sharp breath. _

_ “Amaya,” said Sara slowly. “What is it?” When Amaya again didn’t speak, Sara closed her eyes. A low, painful, aching resignation had arisen in her chest, accompanied by nauseating terror in the pit of her stomach. “ _ ** _Who _ ** _ is it Amaya?” she said, barely a whisper. _

_ Amaya let slip a strangled sob. “It’s Jax.” _

_ Every little bit of breath in Sara’s lungs left her in a rush. “Jax.” _

_ “I’m so sorry Sara, I - I can’t believe it either. We … oh god, we just found out. I knew you’d want to know, that … that maybe you’d want to come back -” _

_ “Jax,” repeated Sara. There was a sudden hoarse, rasp to her voice and she realised with a jolt that uncontrollable tears were sliding down her cheeks. “Jax. He’s … he’s dead?” _

_ “Yeah Sara,” said Amaya in a small voice, broken and trembling. “He was on another tour in Afghanistan. They had been told the town they were going into had a ceasefire but someone broke it and there was a fire fight and … he was hit. His … his mom called us this morning.” _

_ Sara couldn’t speak. She didn’t know if she was having a panic attack or if she was about to throw up. Maybe both. _

_ “Sara,” said Amaya softly. _

_ “I gotta go Amaya,” croaked Sara. “I um. I need to go. I’ll book a flight back in the next couple of days okay? I gotta get time off work but … I’ll be there. Tell Jax’s mom I’ll be there.” _

_ “She knows you will be,” Amaya said immediately. “Babe, are you -” She stopped before saying the word _ ** _okay_ ** _ . “Is … is there anyone you can go to? A friend, a partner?” _

_ Sara straightened, roughly wiping the the tears from her cheeks. She caught sight of the smudged mascara on her fingertips as her hand fell back down to her side. “Yeah,” she lied, curling her fingers into her palms. “I have someone.” _

_ Amaya hesitated. “Sara -” _

_ “I’ll see you in a few days.” She didn’t wait for Amaya to reply before hanging up, shoving her phone back into her pocket and yanking the back door open as she walked back into the bar in a daze. _

_ “Still got 56 seconds left Sara,” joked Pete when she reappeared into the kitchen. Sara didn’t reply, forcing herself back into the front of the club, into the thumping music and thick, alcohol and sweat laced air, the yelling and out-of-tune singing and low lights where nobody could see the tear tracks on her face. The man from before was still sitting at the bar. Johnny had given him another beer. _

_ “You’re back,” he said, his eyes sweeping up and down Sara’s body. “Came back for me, didn’t ya?” _

_ Sara looked at him. Pretty eyes. Messy hair. Nice enough smile. She leaned forward, resting her elbows on the bar. “My shift finishes in an hour,” she said. “You stick around til then and I’m all yours.” _

  
  


* * *

“The fuck do you think you’re doing Sara?” 

Sara sighed, forcefully stuffing her funeral dress into her duffel bag and yanking the zip to close it. The seams made a warning, almost tearing sound - the bag probably should’ve given out years ago, but Sara had never really had the money to replace it with something high quality. Maybe she would when she got back. She turned, sliding her hands into the back pockets of her jeans. 

“What does it look like Zari?” she said, shrugging. “I’m going home.” 

Zari scoffed incredulously. “It’s been _ one _ day,” she said, an accusatory tone in her voice that Sara wasn’t used to from Zari of all people. “We’re supposed to go for dinner at Jax’s mom’s place tonight. This is the first time we’ve all been together since graduation, you can’t just _ go - _” 

“Watch me.” 

“Are you really that selfish?” 

Sara’s eyes burned and she turned, curling her fingers into her bag. “I came to the funeral. I said hello, I did the hugs, I came to the wake, I saw everybody. What good am I doing sticking around?” She could feel Zari step forward. 

“Sara. Five years ago, these people were our best friends. They’re always gonna be family, _ Jax _was our family -” 

“They’re not _ mine _ Z!” 

“Of course they are -” 

“No, they’re not! They’re Ava’s!” Sara hands were shaking, even as they tightly clutched the worn, stained fabric of her duffel. She didn’t let Zari try and talk. “I left Z. Everyone else stayed. Ava stayed. The people who were my best friends five years ago are Ava’s family now, and as much as she is definitely not on my list of favourite people anymore, I’m not gonna ruin that for her.” 

Zari sighed. “Sara,” she said softly, touching Sara’s elbow. “This isn’t about Ava. I know it feels like it is because she’s _ Ava _ and you haven’t loved anybody the way you loved her since, and none of us ever thought it would end like that, we thought that at least you’d stay weird, reluctant friends but everything just fell apart. I know how hard seeing her again is, especially seeing her with Amaya and Nate and Ray, but this _ isn’t _about you guys. It’s about Jax, and we’ve gotta remember that.” 

There was a lump in Sara’s throat that made it difficult to speak. “Jax isn’t here. Jax … Jax is dead.” 

Zari’s grip on Sara’s arm tightened a little. “Then we owe it to him to stay.” 

* * *

“I’m glad Z convinced you to stick around for a while,” Ray said softly, lightly nudging her shoulder before reaching across the table for the roast potatoes, spooning a couple onto his plate and passing her the bowl. “We missed you.”

Sara looked down, focusing on serving herself food rather than giving Ray her full attention. She’d heard those same three words over and over during the past two days, but coming from Ray, accompanied by his familiar, sincere smile was the first time she believed them. Ray hadn’t changed. Or perhaps he had, but somehow with him it didn’t seem to matter. He fit back into her life like a puzzle piece she’d been missing, a puzzle piece wearing the same thin woolen jumper he’d had on last time he called her, and the same easy-going attitude that she remembered from years spent by his side during middle school, then high school, then college.

Ray had called the most, tried the hardest to keep in contact with her other than Zari. He’d understood why she left better than the others, and in a way, he’d known it was inevitable. He hadn’t tried to fight her when she’d turned up at his door, just held her gaze until she cracked and admitted why she was running. 

Zari caught her eye from across the table and smirked slightly, her barely contained ‘I told you so’ cut off when Sara looked away. She swallowed. “I missed this,” she admitted, soft enough that only Ray, Zari and Amaya could have heard. It was the truth - she had missed the effortless familiarity, the comfort and laughter and shared stories from people who had been part of the happiest years of her life. And yet at times she found herself wishing to be anywhere except here, with these people who appeared to know her better than anyone else but from a distance, through a hazy window she didn’t know how to clean. People who should have been her family, who _ used _to be her family, but who seemed to fit together much better without her than they ever had when she was present.

Nate was laughing, listening intently alongside Wally as Jax’s mom, Maria, regaled them with long-forgotten tales of Jax’s high school adventures, pranks and sports games and long days spent chilling together in the summer once they’d all come together at college. It was clear that Nate had found himself, since she’d gone away. Wally too. They’d changed and grown and formed new connections, replacing the ones that had gone missing in the middle of the night before they’d even noticed them fading. Sara was happy for them. There was a part of her whose heart was bursting with pride to see her boys - her goofy, disastrous, protective, kind, ridiculous boys all grown up with real jobs and lives and having found their place in adulthood in ways she always knew they would. But the other part of Sara’s heart ached because she wished she could’ve _ seen _it, that she could have been there to cheer them on and listen to their fears and hopes and actually have some kind of idea about who they were now, and it hurt so much to be on the outside in a way she never thought she would be.

Sara sighed, pushing a piece of asparagus around her plate. 

“How’s the clinic going Amaya?” asked Maria. Her voice was weak, a little shaky and hoarse after endless crying over the last few days, but she was a mother first and foremost and Sara could tell she was trying to be that to all of them as an attempt to fill the hole that Jax had left. 

“You say that as though I run the place,” said Amaya with a laugh. 

“You might as well,” Wally pointed out. “You have more of an idea of what’s going on than your boss half the time.” 

Amaya rolled her eyes, flushing a little. “It’s going good,” she said in reply to Maria. “I think I might even be in line for a promotion soon.” 

“20 bucks says Amaya will overtake her boss within the year,” said Nate. 

“I’ll take that action,” said Mick with a grin. “No offense Amaya.” 

“To you betting against me succeeding at my job?” said Amaya with a challenging arch of her eyebrow. “Oh none taken Mick.” 

“I’m with you Nate,” said Ava with a grin. “Amaya, I know you don’t really want that kind of responsibility but you could definitely handle it.” 

“All she needs is a few key Ava Sharpe seminars in terrifying leadership and she’ll be sorted,” said Wally, nudging Ava with a wink and Ava rolled her eyes, tossing her napkin at Wally. 

“Is that why you never took up a temp position at my firm when I offered you one?” she fired back, smirking. 

Wally was suddenly very interested in his plate of food. “No,” he said quickly and everybody laughed. Maria’s eyes flickered across the table and landed on Sara, on Sara who was smiling a little tightly but was quieter than she had ever been when around this group. Sara met the older woman’s eyes and any tiny hint of appetite she had left vanished at the warm but sad, pitying look on Maria’s face. Sara silently hoped, desperately hoped, that she wasn’t about to ask her about her life. She had nothing to tell. 

“What are you up to these days Z?” asked Ray, and Sara glanced across at him. His eyes darted to her, and she knew that he’d diverted the conversation purposefully. Sara sank back into her seat, avoiding glancing towards Maria, instead letting the conversation that picked up around the table wash over her, focussing on anything but the questions she knew Maria would have for her. 

Jax would have told her, about everything. She always seemed to know what was going on in their friendship group, and Sara had spent enough time hanging out here throughout high school and college that she tentatively dared to assume her presence had been missed after she’d left. When she had the chance, Maria would ask about LA, about Sara’s life there and her job and the friends everyone seemed to expect her to have, and Sara didn’t have an answer to any of it, not now. Or more to the point, she didn’t _ want _ to answer it. She didn’t want to think about what she’d done with the last five years, or how little she’d accomplished. How hard she’d fought against herself, how far she’d fallen, how everyone else in this group seemed to have grown up and changed and found themselves, whilst she’d spent her time running from anything which reminded her of home.

Jax would have called her out on it - he always had, even from across the country on a blurry skype call because the wifi in her apartment was just as terrible as the apartment itself - but he wasn’t here. And yet the sinking feeling in Sara’s stomach was a repeated reminder that even though Jax was gone, the part she played in his life still remained, shimmering and distant but connecting her to everyone he knew, everyone he had cared about, and above all, his family. And, as usual, Sara had no idea how to unpack that. 

(Later whilst clearing dishes after the meal, Sara found herself alone in the kitchen with Maria, and momentarily braced herself for the inevitable questioning that was to come. A pause hung in the air, thick and heavy, and Sara shifted her weight to the other leg. Through the walls, she could hear the clinking of spoons as Ray stacked bowls on top of each other, muffled by the ongoing conversations from dinner, the house filled with the bittersweet laughter it had been missing since the funeral.) Maria smiled, a little sadly, eyes creased at the edges with a weight that hadn’t been there five years ago. “He would have been happy to see you back here,” she said quietly, thick with an emotion Sara had no name for.

Sara didn’t have to tell her that if not for Jax, she might not have come back at all. Inexplicably, and heartbreakingly, she already seemed to know.)

* * *

** _June, 2014:_ **

_ It had been a long time since Sara had slept on a different mattress. In a different bed. In a room that wasn’t safe, familiar, comforting. _

_ Alone. _

_ She’d been in LA for barely a day, but she liked it so far. Busy. Warm. Dry and sunny and sparkling with new possibilities, fresh beginnings, anything and everything that wasn’t Star City (wasn’t Ava). But now it was late and the night was cooler and Sara lay on her bed - new, second hand from an old friend of Laurel’s, comfortable but different, and far too big. _

_ Saras snapped her eyes shut. God. She wanted to be angry, or frustrated, or fed up, or indifferent. She was the one who left. They’d been off for weeks anyway. Maybe months. But even then - even when they hadn’t spoken all day and both knew something was wrong, even then, there was something quiet and peaceful and safe that they could just fall into together at night in their bed. And the ache Sara felt as she lay here, in a new city, new apartment, new bed, was the furthest thing from angry or frustrated or fed up or indifferent. She just missed Ava. _

_ She missed the softness of Ava’s skin when she could tuck her face into the crook of her neck. The feeling of Ava’s fingers across her back, delicate and gentle and a comforting, lulling rhythm. The little sleepy murmurs and breaths and the reassuring warmth of someone _ ** _there_ ** _ , of _ ** _Ava_ ** _ there, of the smell of this bed, this room, the leftover hints of Ava’s perfume, the rustle of shifting feet and tugged blankets and a bubble of calm that made it so easy to drift to sleep. _

_ Sara shoved her duvet off herself. It was too warm. She’d always complained about the low chill that crept into the night air in Star City, the one that always kept a thick, heavy duvet on every bed even in the hottest summer months. Now though, she wanted it. She wanted it, with someone to curl up next to who kept the cold at bay. _

_ Sitting up and pushing her hair off her face, Sara reached for her phone. She opened Messenger, stomach swooping at how far she had to scroll to find Ava’s name. The last messages were ones she had sent, and Ava had seen but not replied to. Before that, arguments. Sara didn’t have strong enough internet yet to load anything before that, to find a time when their messages were filled with affection and emojis and I miss yous and I love yous. It was like they’d never happened at all. _

_ Maybe she should pretend it didn’t. Maybe then it would be easier to move on, to hate Ava the way she wanted to, to stop lying here with a painful hurt that Sara just wanted _ ** _gone_ ** _ . She tapped out of the app, opening Facebook instead, finding Ava’s profile too instinctively than she liked. A lump appeared in her throat, thumb hovering over the ‘unfriend’ button. _

_ Like ripping off a bandaid. It would be easier. _

_ Like it had never happened at all. _

_ Sara tapped, watching as Ava’s posts disappeared, her privacy settings fired up like a sudden, finally visible wall between them. Sara stared at it for several moments, long enough for the vaguest little inklings, wonderings, anxieties, regrets to flicker in the back of her head. With a sharp exhale, Sara shook her head, locking her phone and tossing it onto the other side of the mattress. _

_ It was going to be a long night. _

* * *

It was like being asleep in her own body, coming back to this city. Sara knew every turn, every brick and sidewalk and broken lamppost and hipster coffee shop, sans the few places that were in a constant state of transition - the place on the corner of Marks Rd that always had a new restaurant open up every six months because nobody could afford the exorbitant rent on the place, or the massive warehouse space three blocks down from the university’s Biology building that had been a coffee roastery, then a gym, then a night club, then a yoga studio all over the four years that Sara had been at college. Now it was foodcourt. Star City wasn’t one for big, insane change. If it did happen, it was once every five years. 

Although by that timeline, Sara mused, perhaps something big and unexpected and new was due about now. The last big change in Star City had been the grand opening of the ancient history museum that Sara and her graduating class had spent most of their undergraduate degree pushing for. The opening had been the last proper date she and Ava had gone on. Five years ago, just before graduation. Dressed to the nines, new dresses, heels, extravagant hair and make up and slow dancing and laughing under the twinkling lights of the beautiful, lavishly constructed building with stone pillars and high, arched ceilings. 

Sara was so distracted by the marvellous stone steps, the banner advertising the expertly curated Ancient Egypt exhibit, that she didn’t see the pedestrian crossing light flicker from red to white until she was jostled by the others crossing the street. 

Star City. Everyone had a place to be. 

Sara made it just as the crossing light counted down to 0. She shoved her hands in her jacket pockets, let her feet guide her on instinct as her eyes took in this place. This place that was so familiar to her, it was as though it was engraved deep in her bones, was an element in the makeup of her own body. As though her fingers called out to the door handles she tugged open, her feet tapped an old hello to the alleyways and sidewalks and stairs, the uneven ground that the city never fixed that Sara dodged without even remembering they were there. 

She came to a stop in front of an organic grocers. It had a second storey balcony covered in ivy, succulents hanging in front of the ground floor windows, a different variety in each pot. Sara drank in the sight of the place. It had taken her two busses and a twenty minute walk to get here from Ray’s place. It would’ve been closer from her hotel. Of course, there were supermarkets near Ray and Nora’s apartment, and god, Sara definitely couldn’t afford to be stingy and organic and ethical with everything she bought (though she tried to be, even when she was at her brokest because it was one thing Ava had in instilled in her that she’d never quite managed to shake, and never quite wanted to.) But this place had this one type of coconut butterscotch rocky road slice that Sara had been craving since she first stepped off the flight from LA and she figured that if she was going to go against every instinct she had that was screaming at her to leave Star City, the least she could do for herself was track down this damn slice to feel a bit better about everything. 

It smelt the same. She wasn’t sure what that smell _ was _exactly - fresh and clean and bright and sweet and sharp - but it smelt like five years ago. Everything about this city felt like five years ago, except the people it seemed. 

The bakery section was on the other side of the store. For the first time all day, Sara let herself get pulled into being present where she was, rather than enveloped in memories of the footsteps she was taking. Most of being in Star City had felt somewhat resembling terrifying, but this odd little place made Sara feel as though she could breathe. 

Of course, apparently the universe would only allow it for a second, because Sara made her way down one aisle only to see it. Her. _ Her. _ A familiar bun on a familiar head (Sara had tugged that hair out of that bun more times than she could count, curling her fingers into it as leverage when leaning into a kiss). Long, endless legs that she would know anywhere. (She loved those legs - _ had _ loved those legs, a long time ago, had loved when they were wrapped around her waist.) Those weird embroidered flat brogue shoes that Sara felt belonged to old men but somehow looked good on _ her _, on the woman now wearing the same dark green cardigan that Sara had stolen years ago when rushing out of the apartment to study during exam season. 

Reality hit in a crashing, overwhelming split second.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Sara muttered under her breath, making a move to spin round and high tail it the hell out of the store, only to slam into the man behind her, almost knocking his basket of groceries to the ground. “_ Shit _! I’m so sorry sir, I didn’t see you -” 

“Sara?” 

Sara snapped her eyes shut. She never thought she’d hear that again. Her name coming from Ava’s lips. She hated that it was coated with hesitance, disbelief, and just a touch of dread. Sara sighed, shooting the man giving her an unamused look an apologetic smile before very slowly turning around. “Ava. Hi.” 

Ava’s expression was unreadable. “Hi.” 

Silence. A long silence. An uncomfortable silence. Sara had never thought there would come a time when she would feel this awkward around Ava, and yet. 

“What uh …” Ava cleared her throat. “What are you doing here?” 

Sara slipped her hands into her pockets. Defence mechanism. She didn’t want Ava to see her hands shake. “You mean why am I still in Star City here, or why am I at this grocers here?” 

Ava frowned. “This grocers here.” 

Sara nodded, glancing down at her feet. God, she really hated Ava’s shoes. “Right. I um. Wanted some rocky road.” 

Ava arched an eyebrow. “You’re staying at Ray’s aren’t you?” 

“Mm hm.” 

“This is a long way to come for rocky road.” 

It was clearly meant to be a joke. Something to lighten the mood. Instead it felt like an accusation. Everything here was wrong. 

“Yeah well,” said Sara with a shrug. “Nobody makes a coconut butterscotch rocky road like these guys.” 

Ava bit her lip. “You know they import it, right?” 

Sara didn’t know why that hurt as much as it did, because it was the stupidest little know it all Ava comment to make, so tiny and insignificant and of course Sara knew they imported the damn rocky road, this was a grocers, not a bakery, they didn’t _ actually _make anything fresh, and a wave of frustration surged through Sara’s body. She scoffed, glancing away. Something flashed in Ava’s eyes - indignance perhaps - and she opened her mouth as though about to argue, only to be interrupted by someone falling into line with her and placing a gentle, far too intimate hand on her shoulder. 

“Hey babe!” said the someone, kissing Ava’s cheek. 

Sara wanted to the floor to open up and swallow her whole. _ Of course. _

The someone was a woman. Almost as tall as Ava. Dark brown hair, warm, hazel eyes, cheek dimples and a bright, radiant smile that overflowed with sincerity and genuine kindness. She was beautiful. And she was wearing Ava’s old Star City University sweatshirt. Sara had been the one to convince the whole gang to get them - tacky and overpriced and obnoxious but so, so worth it at the time. _ At the time. _

“Hey Jordan,” said Ava, a tight, tense smile on her face. Her eyes were fixed on Sara, and again, Sara couldn’t discern her expression. Jordan caught sight of Sara and turned to face her properly, offering a warm, hello smile. “Sara,” Ava continued, and for the first time, she glanced away, almost involuntarily. “This is Jordan. She’s …” A breath, barely noticeable, but Sara knew Ava, “she’s my fiancée.” 

Okay, _ now _Sara wanted the floor to open up and swallow her whole. 

“Oh,” she said stupidly. “Um. Hi. Hi Jordan. I’m Sara.” 

Ava looked down at her feet. For an odd reason, Sara wondered if she was thinking about how much she knew Sara probably hated those shoes. 

“It’s nice to meet you,” said Jordan, reaching out and shaking Sara’s hand. “How do you guys know each other?” 

Sara almost laughed. This was insane. Absurd, ridiculous, insane. She was being introduced to Ava fucking Sharpe’s goddamn _ fiancée. _How the hell did she end up here? All she wanted was a damn slice of rocky road. She swallowed. “I’m um … a …” 

“Friend,” interrupted Ava, the lie falling quickly from her lips and her gaze fiercely avoiding Sara’s as she said it. “Sara’s a friend from college.” 

It was almost hilarious. Every part of the word was a lie. They had never been friends. Not really. They hated each other until they fell into bed together and then suddenly they didn’t hate each other, suddenly they were in love. Then they broke up, and all that was left was the hatred all over again. (Sara knew it was more complicated than that, but the details were too painful. Even after all this time, they were far too painful. So instead, she smiled as widely as she could manage and nodded.) 

Jordan didn’t seem to catch onto the weirdness, and if she did, she didn’t let on, just smiled again. “Oh really? I thought I’d met all of Ava’s friends from college. It’s like you’re all under some kind of spell to stay in the city.” 

Ava cracked a rigid smile and Sara laughed, hoping it didn’t sound as flat as it felt. 

“Yeah, not me,” she said, rocking on her feet. “I was outta here as soon as I could be.” Ava’s expression hardened just a fraction. 

“We better finish shopping,” she said, a little cooler than before but not enough to draw attention. “It was … good to see you Sara.” 

“Yeah,” said Sara. “Ditto. Nice to meet you Jordan.” 

She turned, thankfully not attacking any other innocent bystanders behind her this time, ready to make an absolute beeline out of this shop and literally never step foot in it again. Except - 

“Sara.” 

Sara clenched her jaw, glancing back at Ava. Ava reached into her basket and handed Sara something in a plastic box. Sara reluctantly took it, bringing it closer to read the label. 

_ COCONUT BUTTERSCOTCH CHOCOLATE ROCKY ROAD SLICE - 4 PACK. _

Sara looked up in surprise she forgot to hide. Ava shrugged. “It’s the last one,” she said. “You came all this way for it.” Sara nodded, clutching the box far too tightly. 

“You don’t want it?” _ Ava still bought them. They were Sara’s favourites and she still bought them. _

“I live here. I can buy them whenever they make more.” 

“_ Get _more. Imported, remember?” 

“Right. Yeah. Well, they get them in on Sundays and I wasn’t sure how long you were staying so in case you’re gone by then, thought you might as well take the last box.” 

Sara wanted to fling the box across the store, but she was enough of an adult not to. “Thanks.” 

Ava nodded as a _ you’re welcome _ and a _ goodbye _, slipping her hand into Jordan’s and tugging her away. 

Sara barely remembered to pay at the cash register before basically running from the grocers.


	2. i'll bow out of place to save you some space (for somebody new)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Nora waited until she turned before her brow furrowed, eyes flickering over Sara as if sensing the thoughts she was attempting to hide. “What’s up with you?”
> 
> Sara’s tongue slipped out to wet her lips, unreasonably dry for this time of year. Her gaze shifted to Ray, sitting on the couch with a pen and a half completed crossword in hand, no longer searching for answers but looking over to her, waiting, a matching hint of concern lingering behind his eyes. Sara wavered slightly. “Ava’s engaged?”"
> 
> OR
> 
> sara realises there is a Lot she's missed in 5 years, and debates whether or not there's a place for her in star city after all this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter two here we goooo!! 
> 
> thank u so so so much for ur absolutely lovely comments and responses to ch 1, we have been so excited to jump back into posting a multi chapter fic and we were a bit terrified that nobody was gonna like this one, so it's meant the absolute world this past week to have you guys on board for this adventure <3 
> 
> not too much avalance stuff (in the present) this chapter but we gotta set up sara's place in star city again, so just bear with, there's some Solid Angst coming so hold on tight for that! 
> 
> these next few weeks are gonna be Hell Weeks as we come to the end of the semester so would be v grateful for any of love u have for this fic / this chapter XX 
> 
> (p.s. - ch title is from manhattan by sara bareilles, aka one of my all time favourite songs since I was 15 go listen to it, it's perfect for this fic) 
> 
> (p.p.s. - go follow me & rach on twitter, we're gonna be yelling abt this fic on there & also posting our playlists / pinterest boards for it!! i'm @saraalcnce and rach is @z__tomaz)

** _July, 2019:_ **

Maybe it was because Nora didn’t know her as well, but she was the one to call Sara out. 

Possibly the worst thing about being back was that she’d almost managed to push Ava from her mind, back in LA. Seeing Ava around every corner was the reason she’d uprooted herself in the first place, trying hopelessly to outrun the missing smiles and phantom touches and the holes she’d left in Sara’s life, the brunches that never were, the conversations she was desperate to have. From halfway across the country, it was easier. 

Or at least, it got easier.

And even though Ava never seemed to leave the back of her mind, she’d stopped filing away conversation topics and anecdotes to talk to her about later. She’d let herself heal, slowly. Only now, being back felt like ripping the bandaid off a freshly healed wound, the skin underneath a little too soft and a little to fragile and a little too likely to break. Sara dug her teeth into her lower lip slightly as she slipped her denim jacket off her shoulders, carefully hanging it on the coat rack near Ray’s front door, toeing off her shoes and placing them neatly in the space Ray had created for her on his shoe rack. 

She  _ had _ expected Ava to move on. She’d expected her to be happily living her life in Star City, here with all of the friends Sara left behind. She’d known the people she’d left wouldn’t be the same people she returned to, but somehow despite all the eventualities she’d played over and over in her mind, she’d failed to anticipate  _ this _ .

Nora waited until she turned before her brow furrowed, eyes flickering over Sara as if sensing the thoughts she was attempting to hide. “What’s up with you?”

She’d talked to Nora over Facetime, a little. Ray had introduced them after they started dating, attempting to keep her up to date on the changes in his life after she’d gone. She’d been in photos of events Sara had missed, smiling and laughing with the people she used to call her family. In another life, they might even have been friends - Nora was sharp, her dry sense of humour the perfect accompaniment to Ray’s optimism, her thoughts carefully guarded until the moment she deemed you trustworthy. In a way, she reminded Sara of herself.

She didn’t know Nora, but at least, unlike everyone else in this city, Nora didn’t know her.

Sara’s tongue slipped out to wet her lips, unreasonably dry for this time of year. Her gaze shifted to Ray, sitting on the couch with a pen and a half completed crossword in hand, no longer searching for answers but looking over to her, waiting, a matching hint of concern lingering behind his eyes. Sara wavered slightly. “Ava’s engaged?”

Somehow, the apologetic look Ray gave her burned more than hearing it out loud ever would. It wasn’t pity, not quite, but it was close, teetering near enough to the line to make Sara irrationally uncomfortable. His eyes flicked over to meet Nora’s and Sara couldn’t help but follow, finding only an indecipherable but uncharacteristically soft expression on the other end. “It only happened a week and a half ago,” Ray replied softly, crossword finding its way onto the coffee table as he inclined his head towards the armchair opposite. Sara remained standing. “Before Jax died. We didn’t want to drop that on you as well, not now. I’m sorry, Sara.”

Sara’s throat burned, and she shook her head. “You don’t have to apologise.” 

It made sense, in a way. Ava was the best person she’d ever met, and she’d been lucky to spend the time she had with her. She couldn’t fault someone else for falling for her easy smile, her gentle humour, her warm affection - and she couldn’t fault Ava for moving on either, no matter how difficult she’d found it herself. Ava deserved someone who made her happy, who brought out that familiar soft smile that had once been reserved for her. 

Ray’s expression hadn’t changed, and Sara hoped neither of them noticed the smile that didn’t reach her eyes. She shrugged. “It’s been five years. Of course she’s engaged.” 

Nora’s eyebrow arched, a skeptical accusation, “so you don’t care at all?”

Sara shrugged again, making her way over to the fridge, pouring herself a glass of orange juice purely to give herself something to do. “Why should I?” she eventually managed, the pause too long, painfully stilted. 

Nora shrugged, and Sara reached into her bag to pull out a four pack of coconut butterscotch chocolate rocky road slices,  _ Ava’s _ slices. She dropped them unceremoniously onto the breakfast bar next to Nora, stomach twisting slightly, the few crumbs that escaped onto the perfectly spotless counter stark and out of place. “They’re all yours.”

“Isn’t that what you went across town to get?” 

Sara stared down into her orange juice, ignoring Ray’s subtle observance of her and Nora’s conversation. “Don’t want them anymore.” 

The idea of eating them was nauseating. They belonged to Ava, just like so many other pieces of this city,  _ her _ city, now seemed to. Nora exchanged a look with Ray, but Sara turned before she could see it. She didn’t want to see it. She could imagine it well enough, both of their expressions twisting in concern, confusion and worry mixed in with their questions about Ava, about where they stood right now, about whether she was willing to admit that meeting Ava’s fiancee had thrown her and now she was stumbling, desperately trying to regain her footing before anyone noticed that she had fallen. 

She wasn’t planning on staying long, anyway. In a few days she’d leave Ava to live her life in peace and fly back across the country, to a big city where she didn’t belong, where she was just another piece of the puzzle, tiny and insignificant, unnoticed by anyone who might call her out on the emotions she was pretending not to feel. Sara picked up her bag from the couch, slipping it over her shoulder with one hand and heading towards the door, loving and hating that neither Ray nor Nora tried to stop her.

* * *

** _September, 2013: _ **

_ “I think I want to stay in Star City,” Sara suggested, unable to stop a smile from spreading across her cheeks as Ava’s fingers brushed her hair from her cheek, knuckle of Ava’s first finger tenderly drifting across her jawline before she leant down to press a kiss to Sara’s cheek with a barely awake, early morning murmur. “I mean - I want to travel too, to see more of the world and explore the history it has to offer and all of that, but… at least for grad school, I want to stay here.” _

_ Ava exhaled, almost a breathy laugh, and ducked her head down to continue the path of barely-there kisses she was trailing across Sara’s jaw.  _

_ She didn’t have to say what she was thinking for Sara to hear it - they’d only been in this apartment for a few weeks, and they’d barely started college for the year, and senior year was bound to be more stressful once the semester properly started - the lazy mornings in bed they’d been enjoying everyday for the past few weeks wouldn’t last. There would be plenty of time later in the year to decide what they wanted to do once they were done with college, and once they’d gotten a more realistic sense of what living together would entail. _

_ But still. Sara couldn’t imagine having  _ ** _this_ ** _ with anyone else -  _

_ And right now, she didn’t want any of it to change. She’d happily stay here in this moment for the rest of her life, sunlight streaming through the unreasonably large window they’d both fallen in love with the first time they’d seen this apartment, bed warm and comfortable, Ava’s lips making their way down her neck as she murmured vague agreements to the thoughts Sara was accidentally thinking out loud.  _

_ Most people moved away for college, desperate to get away from wherever they were raised, eager to move on and embrace their fresh start somewhere new, in some other city they’d decided they could fall in love with. But when it came to choosing where she wanted to go, Sara had never felt like moving. Star City had everything she needed - it felt like home. And three and a bit years later, at the start of her senior year, lying in bed with the girlfriend she’d just moved in with - alone, this time, rather than sharing an apartment with Nate, Ray and Amaya - nothing had changed. Star City  _ ** _was_ ** _ her home, these people were her home, and maybe she and Ava would end up moving a few years down the line, but she wasn’t ready to do it yet. She didn’t need things to change, not when they were already perfect the way they were.  _

_ Moving away and trying to find somewhere else that she fit in as well as she did here had never seemed like a good idea. _

_ Ava pulled away slightly, propping herself up on her elbows so she could meet Sara’s eyes, cheeks a little flushed, lips a little too distracting. “Where’s this coming from?” she asked quietly, cutting off Sara’s train of thought. _

_ Where  _ ** _was _ ** _ this coming from?  _

_ Honestly, she had no idea. She’d never been sentimental, until she met Ava. And she’d never made plans for the rest of her life either, never stopped to think about where she wanted to be in a few years time, and who she wanted to be with. It felt nice; as if she mattered, as if she had a place here, as if she’d finally managed to set down roots and knew where her life was headed. Sara shrugged slightly, as best she could whilst still lying down, tangled in the thick duvet they’d bought the week before. “I don’t know,” she admitted honestly, “It’s just… this, right now, it feels right. It feels… perfect.” A smile found its way onto her lips and she broke her eye contact with Ava, a mildly embarrassed blush creeping across her cheeks. “And I’d love for things to stay this way forever.” _

_ She wasn’t looking at Ava, until two fingers tilted her chin up, and lips gently brushed against her own. “Yeah,” Ava breathed, quiet and warm and making Sara’s heart stumble a little as her thoughts went fuzzy around the edges. “I’d like that too.” _

* * *

** _August, 2019: _ **

The problem with Jordan was that she was  _ nice _ . She was wonderful - funny and sharp and supportive and kind - she was exactly who Sara should’ve wanted Ava to date, if she couldn’t date her herself. It would have been so easy to hate her, in another world. To let jealousy tear her apart, to obsess over the looks that used to be hers, the touches she could almost still feel if she closed her eyes, the soft words and gentle caresses and quiet private conversations not meant for anyone else to hear. And yet, when Jordan’s smile turned to her, she couldn’t help but return it. When Jordan asked her about her day, it was impossible not to respond. And when Jordan placed a gentle hand on her arm, eyes softening as she offered her condolences for Jax, it was impossible to hold onto the contempt she wished she was feeling, her frustration melting away into a pool of bittersweet confusion.

They’d met through work, Nora had told her in an overly hushed voice when she’d eventually caved in and asked, her curiosity and need for answers finally overriding her determination to feign disinterest. A work social, Nora had added, frowning slightly as she attempted to remember information she’d known years ago, but had long since forgotten. Sara swallowed uncertainly, and for a moment Nora looked as if she was about to continue, before being drawn into the conversation occurring on the other side of the table. 

Jordan laughed at a joke Wally told (inevitably a bad one), and her warmth was infectious despite Sara having seated herself as far away as possible. Sara drained the rest of the drink in front of her, aimlessly checking the time on her phone.

She’d been invited as a courtesy, really. They couldn’t  _ not _ invite her, not when everyone else was going to be here. It seemed to be a regular occurrence, picking a nice restaurant in the city and going out for a drink or two, sometimes dinner. It at least seemed to happen frequently enough that everyone seemed at ease and knew exactly what they wanted to order, discussions about which cocktails people had tried last time they were here and what they’d recommend spreading across the table, the bustle of friends enjoying each other’s company filling Sara’s ears. It wasn’t a busy restaurant, but in a way, that made it worse. The many conversations going on around her weren’t conversations from strangers that she could tune out; it was her friends’ stories she wasn’t following, her friends’ lives she wasn’t a part of. 

A waiter came to take their orders, glasses clinked against each other, and Sara glanced over to the clock in the corner. (She’d been here fifteen minutes). If she’d been in LA, she could’ve come up with an excuse - she had work, she was busy, maybe some other time. Although that said, if she’d been back in LA, she wouldn’t have needed an excuse in the first place. She only had two options: she’d either be having a reluctantly good time with Pete and the others from work, friends she kept at arms length but was grateful to have nonetheless. If not, she’d be half a world away, disconnected from everyone, inevitably eating dinner alone in her apartment rather than sitting in a restaurant that was slightly too fancy for her tastes and pouring all of her energy into ignoring how well her ex-girlfriend’s fiancée seemed to fit into this group, and how generally wonderful she seemed. 

Ava was free to date whoever she wanted, she reminded herself, forcing the seemingly ever present nausea in her stomach down. This Ava wasn’t hers. 

This Ava hadn’t been hers in a long, long time. 

She was familiar - painfully, achingly familiar, down to the way she leant back in her chair, soft laugh falling from her lips as she brushed her hair out of her face, listening intently to the story Nate was telling down the other end of the table. The pads of her fingers tapped against the table, exactly as Sara remembered. Her eyes sparkled, reflecting the lights strung artistically from the restaurant ceiling, flecks of gold mixing with the familiar blue-grey hues that Sara could paint in perfect detail in her mind. 

The number of times a day she wondered whether she could’ve fixed things if only she’d stayed was getting ridiculous. She’d made peace with leaving years ago - it had been the only option, the only way she could diffuse the situation, the only way to tear herself away and leave Ava with people to lean on, with the job she loved and the life she’d always wanted and the quiet, almost-unnerving calm that they’d both been desperately searching for in the midst of the fights and the terse silences that had dominated the last few months of their relationship. She’d chosen this, and she’d always expected Ava to move on.

She’d known what to anticipate when she booked a flight back to Star City from LA, known that the relationships she severed would never be the way they were again. She just hadn’t expected to feel shards of glass twisting in her heart every time Ava glanced her way.

Jordan’s hand slipped under the table, undoubtedly to find Ava’s, and a few moments later Ava’s eyes crinkled a little at the edges, her lips curving into a warm smile, dripping with a familiar affection, a love that Sara never expected to see again. Jordan made Ava happy, she reminded herself, her surreptitious glances going unnoticed by the rest of their ( _ Ava’s _ ) friendship group. Jordan made Ava happy, and all Sara had ever wanted was to make Ava happy. For Ava to  _ be  _ happy.

It just wasn’t supposed to be like  _ this _ .

* * *

This sinking feeling in her stomach, the ever present weight in her chest pulling her down, deeper and deeper until the surface seemed impossibly far away - Sara hated it. She’d moved to LA to outrun this feeling, and spent five years pushing to the back of her mind. This feeling which had once been intimately familiar but had faded into a vague memory, lost to time and to distance and some kind of dumb luck that she’d never been more grateful for than now. LA hadn’t been  _ good _ , not by any means - but it had been okay. It hadn’t taken long to dissolve into the bustle of daily life, letting herself be absorbed into the ever present throng of people in the city, finding a seedy bar or two that would let her work as much as possible without asking questions about a permanent address or her work ethic or some other made up bullshit people tended to ask during job interviews.

Rent had been a struggle most of the time, and calling any of the apartments she’d lived in nice would’ve been far too generous, but she’d been alright.

And at least she hadn’t spent her nights in LA lying awake in a friends’ guest bedroom, staring at the silhouettes the moonlight was projecting onto the wall beside the bed, eyes a little fuzzy and heart a little uneasy and lungs clenched just enough to remind her that something was off, something was wrong, something needed her attention. 

(It was Jax, she lied to herself, pulling the duvet tighter around her shoulders. Grief hit you in mysterious ways, and sure, they’d held a funeral almost three weeks ago now, but no one was expecting her to be okay, not after the death of the closest thing to a little brother she’d ever had.

Jax was gone, and that was bound to make her world tilt on its axis, dragging up feelings she’d long since forgotten. Sara bit her lip, heart twisting in on itself, the lie no one would have dared call her out on cutting like shards of glass through the heart.

This wasn’t about Jax, and somehow, that made it worse.)

A noise came from outside, the faint mews of a stray cat rummaging through their trash, searching for anything it could find. A trash can lid clattered to the ground and Sara jumped, cursing herself immediately, heart beating twice the speed it had been before. Nora and Ray’s apartment was the same one they’d lived in for years now, saving up to get a way nicer place sometime soon. Until then though, it was in an average neighbourhood, one that had plenty of distant police sirens at early hours of the morning, muffled shouts and the revving of cheap car engines all through the night. They were noises that had once been almost comforting to Sara given the neighbourhood she’d lived in in LA, but she’d moved into a better apartment in a better area a few years ago and now, it just reminded Sara of nights alone (or with people whose names she couldn’t remember, whose breath still smelt like alcohol). Nights where she’d lie awake, anxious and heartbroken, feeling as though she’d never be able to sleep properly again, not without Ava beside her, without Ava’s voice and smell, hands and warmth and heavy, expensive duvet all of which made Sara feel safer than she would ever feel again. 

Sara pushed herself up, leaning against the wall with a blanket pulled up to her chin, eyes drifting shut with exhaustion but mind refusing to shut down, even just for a few moments, long enough for her to drift off to sleep.

Ava.

Of course it was Ava - it was  _ always  _ about Ava. Ava was almost single handedly responsible for the tightness in her chest since she’d been home, the tension in her shoulders and the air missing from her lungs and the fear that somehow, being back here now, with Ava engaged and Jax gone and the people she used to call friends more distant than they had been in years despite her being far, far closer - this could be the undoing of every step she’d taken in the last five years, the shattering of the fragile thread she’d tied herself back together with, the final knock against the wall she’d been building between her and everything else, a knock that would send her tumbling down even further than she’d fallen before.

She’d gotten an invitation to the engagement party a few days ago - it was planned for two weeks from now. Sara’s name had been hastily penned into the blank space on the notecard, address presumably copied across from the joint invite Ray and Nora had received. She knew Ava’s handwriting, knew it was immaculate, perfect even for quickly scrawled lecture notes, so it was clear that the invitation was an afterthought, and not a particularly subtle one. Even though it was Ava and it was complicated and messy and she wasn’t even sure she’d want to see photos of anything to do with the wedding let alone attend it, the idea of not being wanted, of being invited as a reluctant courtesy… it stung. And deep down, hidden in a pile of questions she knew the answers to but would never dare to ask, was an agreement - she  _ shouldn’t _ be there. She shouldn’t have been invited. But she and Ava had dug themselves a hole with Jordan that labelled them as  _ old friends  _ and Sara knew, logically, that Ava couldn’t come up with any good reason for why Sara shouldn’t be invited to the engagement party if all their other friends were coming, not without revealing to Jordan just what they had once been. 

Whether or not by the time the wedding rolled around Ava had told Jordan the truth and they invited Sara to that too was a different matter entirely, one that Sara didn’t have the energy to think about yet. Whether she would even be anywhere near Star City at that point was equally uncertain.

Sara sighed, running a hand over her face and sliding back down onto her back, eyes catching the party invitation lying on her bedside table under a book Ray had given her to read if she was bored. She hadn’t planned on staying this long. She’d even outstayed how long Zari had coerced her into sticking around. Now she was here, taking up room in Ray and Nora’s apartment and ambling around Star City mostly aimlessly everyday and receiving warning messages from both her bosses that she was pointedly ignoring and wondering what she was supposed to wear to this engagement party in two weeks when she’d left 90% of her wardrobe in LA 

Zari was staying. Ray had offered her a computer tech job at the tech company he was climbing the ranks of, a job that paid a million times better than the job Zari had in Detroit right now, so she hadn’t hesitated to take him up on it. Nate had a guest room close to the company where Zari was staying while looking for an apartment. She’d made subtle hints at Sara to consider moving back to Star City too, so they could split an apartment and “get their lives back on track” together. Sara had brushed her aside, inwardly noting that she had time, that she’d figure that out later. 

Sara’s phone buzzed and she reached for it, immediately groaning when she saw the notification. 

MESSENGER   
**Pete O’Donnelly** **   
** _ Hey Sara, I hate to bug ya when you’re grieving but it’s been three weeks hon, I can’t offer you any more time off so I’m gonna need you back next week or get your notice before Sunday ...  _ ** _(swipe to open)_ **

“Shit,” she muttered under her breath, sitting up again. 

It seemed that  _ later _ was  _ now.  _

Sara swiped away Pete’s message notification, instead tapping the shortcut to her and Zari’s messages. 

_ Z _

**iMessage** **   
** **Thursday**

****   
** _12:46pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** you awake?

  
** _12:47pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Is this a booty call?

  
** _12:47pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** oh fuck off

  
** _12:49pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Hey I was kidding

  
** _12:49pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** What’s up?

  
** _12:50pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** i think i need to make a decision

  
** _12:50pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** About?

  
** _12:51pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** whether i’m going back to LA

  
** _12:51pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Oh shit 

  
** _12:51pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** That’s big

  
** _12:51pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** yeah 

  
** _12:52pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** going back would solve all my problems

  
** _12:52pm:_ ** **** _   
_ i wouldn’t have to keep feeling awkward   
around everybody, or useless, or out of   
place, and i could just go back to when i   
never talked to anyone and it was easier   
than all of us acting as though i haven’t   
been AWOL for the better part of the last   
5 years

  
** _12:53pm:_ ** **** _   
_ And you’d have an excuse to not go   
to the engagement party

  
** _12:54pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** yeah

  
** _12:54pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** that too

  
** _12:57pm:_ ** **** _   
_ Meet me at Billy’s diner? They’re open    
all night and they’ve got decent coffee

  
** _12:57pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** you don’t have to Z

  
** _12:58pm:_ ** **** _   
_ I know that, I can’t sleep anyway. See you   
soon we can talk abt ur quarter life crisis

  
** _12:58pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** see you soon x


	3. please don't ever become a stranger (whose laugh i could recognise anywhere)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Someone cleared their throat behind her, and Sara’s shoulders tensed. 
> 
> “Nice place,” Ava said awkwardly, as if she hadn’t expected to find herself alone in a room with Sara, and was desperately trying to think of an excuse to leave now she was here. Sara resisted the impulse to glare at her, reminding herself that it was irrational, unhelpful, and uncalled for. Well, partially uncalled for. 
> 
> _It’s not as nice as the last place_, Sara thought, avoiding meeting Ava’s eyes despite knowing she was thinking the same thing too. _Not as nice as anywhere I lived with you._"
> 
> OR
> 
> sara & zari move into a new apartment, sara & ava are awkward, and ava & jordan have their engagement party. (which, oof)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello hello happy thanksgiving american peeps and non american peeps too bc yes this holiday is founded on shitty colonial oppression, its evolution in the 21st century is a nice way to be able to reflect on all the good things we all got going for us. (wow deep) 
> 
> we're super thankful for all of you and for the fact that we are able to do what we love and write what we love with such incredible support from you guys XX
> 
> we rly do love this story and we have sm planned for it, we rly hope you can let us know what you love too, what u don't, what u wanna see, what ur predicting etc etc. ! comments mean the world to us, they motivate us, and they're the reason we wanted to come back and post another story after how lovely u all were with the hsau. our weeks can be insane and super busy and we love being able to find time to write a chapter for you guys (/procrastinate) so it'd be the best to be able to see all your thoughts abt this story too <3 <3 
> 
> (p.s. chapter title is from new year's day by taylor swift)

** _August, 2019:_ **

They found an apartment within a week. 

Everyone who stayed in Star City had enough contacts, enough sway, enough of a footing in what to Sara was the unfamiliar adult world of Star City that all it took was six days of looking for Ray, Amaya and Ava to present them with a small but roomy, warm, modern, bright apartment that was well within Sara’s budget because god knows that Star City real estate was cheaper than Los Angeles.

It hadn’t taken much to persuade her to stay, not once Zari had simplified her options down as far as she could. She could stay here, in the city that used to be her favourite place in the world, and have a chance to rebuild the relationships she’d cut off five years ago … or she could leave. 

If she left, there’d be no Ava. She wouldn’t have to worry about the engagement party, she wouldn’t have to spend time tiptoeing around Jordan, she could go back to forcing Ava from her mind at every opportunity and moving on, trying to find contentment somewhere else (with some _ one  _ else), somewhere that didn’t have long forgotten memories lingering around every corner, and tense situations tangled with lies at every social event she attended. She could run, just like she had five years ago, leaving this life behind once and for all. 

But if she stayed ... if she could stick this out, find some way to spend time around Ava without her chest tightening and her lungs malfunctioning and that familiar, painfully thick tension that seemed to roll off them both in waves whenever they were in the same room as each other - if she could do that, perhaps she could salvage some shreds of the life she’d had here before. It wouldn’t be the same, but she could start from where she was and take her time, and see where things went. She could have her friends back. She could revisit every place she loved in this city, she could let herself fall headfirst into life here and visit all of the new cafes that had opened up since she’d left and have the chance to rediscover all the parts of this city she’d spent five years forgetting.

(Eventually, she’d sat with her head in her hands, eyes puffy from lack of sleep, coffee going cold. “Sara,” Zari had said quietly, always the most calm, the most logical. Her eyebrows had furrowed into a concerned frown, but the determination in her voice was enough to cut through all of the thoughts swirling through Sara’s mind. “Are you really going to give this all up again, just because of Ava?”)

“Where d’you want this one?” Nate asked, and Sara sat up sharply, narrowly avoiding whacking her head against the corner of the coffee table, heart beating at a million miles per hour. 

“Shit,” she murmured, sucking in a slow breath, putting the list she’d had in her hand down on top of a cardboard box and smoothing down the crumpled corners. Nate opened his mouth as if to apologise and she shook her head, gesturing to an empty space on the floor near the door. “There’s good, thanks.”

They’d all insisted on helping. Not that she minded having help most of the time. It was just that  _ this  _ help had started as Nate and Ray (and Nora), which became Nate, Ray, Nora, Mick and Amaya, which then inevitably expanded to include Jordan and Ava the moment Jordan heard they were moving in, because she was helpful and kind and still somehow under the impression that Sara was just a  _ friend  _ who had moved away, and was finally deciding to come back.

It wasn’t as though she and Zari had much stuff between them either - she’d only brought a suitcase with her, never intending on staying long, and although Zari had packed a little more, it still wasn’t much. Their friends all had furniture to spare, along with kitchen utensils and plates and cutlery which they’d insisted on donating, but even with that, the apartment looked sparse - Sara knew she’d have to fly back to LA at some point, collect some of the things she’d left behind. 

(Emphasis on  _ some.  _ She was still fairly certain staying here was gonna be temporary. Finding a home here amongst all the awkward gaps between the city and people she knew and those she’d come back to still felt near impossible. She’d give it a shot for Zari (and for Jax), but Sara didn’t have much faith in it working out long term. She wasn’t gonna get rid of her apartment in LA just yet.) 

This apartment was fairly close to the tech company Ray (and now Zari) worked at, near enough to the university to be familiar, but in an area Sara had never lived in before. It was different, and new, but in a good way - and even though it was small and smelled a little musty and would probably be incredibly cramped if they ever hosted any events with their friends, it somehow, inexplicably, felt like it had potential. She could stay here for a while, if she wanted. She still needed to find somewhere to work, but there were plenty of bars and clubs in the city that would be happy to have someone with her experience rather than broke college students looking for some extra money on the side. 

(She definitely wasn’t going to go back into retail. While leaving her main job at the bar in LA had been a difficult decision, there wasn’t a bone in her body that regretted leaving  _ Sink Shower & Stuff. _ )

Sara pushed herself up from the floor, brushing the dust from her knees, stacking one box on top of another in order to make more space. Zari brought a suitcase up, and then disappeared back into the kitchen, which Jordan had decided needed cleaning. Nate left, muttering something about pizza, and Ray dragged Nora out the door to go get the last few bits and pieces that had been left in the car. 

For one blissful second, the room was empty. 

Sara exhaled, leaning back against the wall, wondering whether it would have been easier for her and Zari to have done this alone. It was nice, that everyone wanted to help how they could, but summoning the energy to return terse smiles and forced comments was getting harder as the day went on, as she started to wonder whether it was too late to back out now, or whether she could convince Ray to drive her to the airport once she’d finished unpacking so she could watch people getting onto planes and reconsider flying back to LA right now.

Someone cleared their throat behind her, and Sara’s shoulders tensed. 

“Nice place,” Ava said awkwardly, as if she hadn’t expected to find herself alone in a room with Sara, and was desperately trying to think of an excuse to leave now she was here. Sara resisted the impulse to glare at her, reminding herself that it was irrational, unhelpful, and uncalled for. Well, partially uncalled for. 

_ It’s not as nice as the last place _ , Sara thought, avoiding meeting Ava’s eyes despite knowing she was thinking the same thing too.  _ Not as nice as anywhere I lived with you. _

Silence hung in the air between them, thick enough to feel suffocating despite the breeze blowing through the open windows.

Last time she’d moved into an apartment here, Ava had been moving in with her. It was a beautiful place, it was a gorgeous, fall afternoon, and everything had seemed bright and new and exciting. Compared to this … Sara swallowed, glancing over to where Ava was standing. “Thanks.”

Ava shoved her hands into her pockets. “I uh … I didn’t expect you to stay.” 

The honesty was a little unexpected. A lot unexpected, really. Sara couldn’t stop herself from from glancing up in surprise, quick enough to catch the momentary uncertainty flash across Ava’s face, a sudden twinge of regret that she’d said it aloud. 

“Yeah,” Sara said, thinking about the pathetic, single duffle bag of stuff she’d brought with her. “Neither did I. I’m gonna have to make a trip back out to LA to get some more clothes ‘n shit. I think Mrs Ericson from the bakery is this close to donating me her daughter’s old clothes because she’s seen me wear basically the same thing for almost a month. Pretty sure she thinks I’m homeless.” 

Ava’s lips quirked upwards slightly. “Yeah, once Old Lady Ericson thinks you’re a charity case, you’ll never escape her.” 

Despite her resistance, Sara felt her lips twitch too.

“Old lady Ericson?”

Sara managed to hide her instinctive wince at Jordan’s voice, instead plastering as genuine of a smile as she could manage onto her face and glancing over towards the doorway that connected the living room with the hallway down towards Zari’s room. Jordan came to stand beside Ava, leaning against the couch which had been crookedly and haphazardly dumped in the middle of the room. “Who’s old lady Ericson?” 

Ava’s eyes flickered over to Sara, and Sara immediately glanced away, trying to keep the nostalgia and reminiscence out of her voice as she said, “She’s uh - the owner of this bakery on 5th. Almost everything in that shop is really average - bread, bagels, pastries, coffee, sandwiches - literally, go to any other bakery on that street and it’ll be a million times better. Except for the custard tarts.” 

“Nothing beats Mrs Ericson’s custard tarts,” said Ava with a quiet chuckle. 

“Really?” said Jordan, grinning a little. She nudged Ava. “I thought you hated custard.” 

“Only out of the carton,” said Sara and Ava at the same time, both falling abruptly silent the minute they stopped speaking. Jordan looked between them in amused surprise. Sara pretended to have gotten a text on her phone. 

“How did I not know this?” she asked Ava with a joking smirk and Ava shrugged, laughing a little uneasily. 

“Custard’s only good homemade,” she said, avoiding looking at Sara. “And I sound like I have a stick up my ass if I say that so I just say I don’t like custard full stop.” 

“Three years and there’s still more I don’t know about you,” said Jordan, her smile and her eyes and the way she snaked her arm around Ava’s waist all warm and sweet and affectionate in a way that made Sara want to throw up out of a twisted mixture of jealousy and loneliness and self hatred and nostalgia and anger. 

Ava seemed to be able to hide how clearly uncomfortable she was with this kind of affection in front of Sara, but Sara could see it in her eyes, in the way her gaze kept falling back to Sara before darting away almost immediately. Thankfully, Amaya came in, poking her head around the door and immediately sensing that she had interrupted something that desperately needed interrupting. 

“Oh hey, there you guys are!” she said. Sara caught the silent  _ everything okay?  _ look she gave Ava, and it hurt that Ava was the one that got it rather than her. Ava nodded, and Amaya suddenly appeared to catch on that she should send Sara the same unspoken question, but it came too late and the awkwardness settled again between them all. 

“Everything okay?” asked Jordan. There was a slight edge in her voice now. One that made it clear that with the awkwardness Amaya’s presence had brought, Jordan had picked up on the fact that there was  _ something  _ she was missing here. 

“We’re just bringing up the rest of the furniture Maria gave us from Jax’s room,” said Amaya. “We need a couple extra hands and then that’ll be everything.” 

Sara nodded, crossing the room without looking at Ava and Jordan to meet Amaya and head back down to the carpark behind the apartment building. Ray was waiting by the elevator to Sara’s immense relief, because it avoided not only Amaya possibly asking Sara any questions about what she interrupted, but also a potentially awkward silence if Jordan and Ava followed and joined them in the elevator. 

“Hey, why don’t you guys go down and get the rest of the furniture,” said Ray, pulling Sara aside as the other three stepped into the elevator as the doors opened with a  _ bing.  _ “We’ll find some space for everything up here so we’re not all tripping over boxes and stuff when we come up.” 

“Okay,” said Ava. “See you soon.” 

The doors closed again, and Ray nodded in the direction of the apartment, waiting until they’d headed back inside to lean against the doorframe with an anxious fidget in his fingers and an uncertain look in his eyes. 

“What?” said Sara, a little nervous at the expression on his face. “What did I do?” 

“Nothing!” said Ray. “No, it’s not - I just um …” He sighed, his eyes taking in the messy apartment around them. “I have some things that belong to you. A couple of boxes of stuff you left behind.” 

Sara frowned. “But I didn’t leave anything with you. I gave my dad everything I wasn’t taking to LA.” 

Ray bit his lip. “It’s not stuff you gave to me. It’s … it’s stuff you left at your old apartment. The stuff Ava had.” 

Sara felt like somebody had reached into her chest and suddenly pushed her ribs together, condensing them until they were too small for her lungs and heart, as though her own body was suffocating her. “Oh,” was all she could say. 

Ray gave her an apologetic shrug. “Ava gave them to me when she moved out of that place.” 

“Why didn’t she just throw it out?” asked Sara a little hoarsely. “We weren’t talking then. I wouldn’t have even noticed.” 

Ray’s smile was gentle and sad. “I think we both thought someday maybe you might want it back, but she didn’t want to be tempted to get rid of it if she found herself too angry at you. She asked me to hang onto it all until I next saw you. You were only here for such a short time when - you know - so I thought now might be a better time.” Sara’s teeth caught the inside of her lip and Ray sighed again, reached out to squeeze her shoulder. “Let me know if you want to see what’s there okay? You can decide if you wanna throw any of it out or keep it now that you have an apartment here. If not, don’t worry about it. It can stay where it is.”

He seemed to not need an answer from her right away and went to leave but Sara cleared her throat quickly. “Not … not now okay?” she said, voice soft and a little weak. Ray nodded, accepting her response with a familiar, understanding smile. “But - yeah. Maybe. Soon.” She swallowed, looking down to the floor before meeting his eyes once again, the hand gripping her heart loosening, just for a second. “And thank you, for keeping it.”

Ray’s smile softened even more, but he seemed to change his mind about whatever he was about to say, instead offering her a simple goodbye and slipping out of the door, Sara assumed to help the others. Sara made her way down the fork in the hallway towards her room - the emptiest in the house, with just a mattress on the floor, a box of donated sheets, and her sad, frayed, falling apart duffel bag sitting by the window. Sara shut the door behind her, sinking down to the floor. Through the door and the walls, she could hear the others come back into the apartment, laughing and swearing and hollering orders to each other on where to place the last of the furniture and boxes. The rumble of voices and company was familiar, but felt so unbelievably far away. Nobody seemed to be looking for her, coming down the hall to knock on her door or call her name when she wasn’t waiting in the kitchen for them. 

Sara let her head fall to her knees, curling her fingers into her hair. She hadn’t known when she left that she’d end up here. She’d run, packing up her life as quickly as she could, barely thinking about what she’d do in LA, who she’d be, where she wanted her life to go. All she’d known was that LA wasn’t Star City, and that had been good enough back then. She never would’ve imagined that all these years later, she’d be back, moving into an apartment on the other side of the city she swore she never wanted to return to.

But it seemed that Ray, at least (and Ava), had always assumed that she was coming back.

* * *

Ava looked surprised to see her. She shouldn’t have - it was her handwriting on the invite that had been sent out, on her specially designed notecards. And since Sara had settled into her new apartment, there was no reason for her  _ not _ to be here. She was slowly letting herself sink back into the routines she’d used to love so much - early morning runs as the fog the night had left behind faded, comfortable movie nights with friends, meals filled with chaotic conversation and news and gossip, now sprinkled with talk of work and life and other things that Sara had rarely paid attention to up until now. She felt both more and less like herself being back, but either way, it meant that she had to be here.

She was out of excuses, out of lies.

And out of chances to run across the country, leaving this all behind.

The venue Ava and Jordan had chosen was small, but beautifully decorated, backing out onto a garden lit only by fairy lights strung around the decking, and woven through the branches of the trees nearby. People were milling about both inside and out, friends Sara knew from college, friends who must have been Jordan’s college acquaintances, and people she could only assume were colleagues from work, but whom Sara had no interest in introducing herself too right now. Lanterns had been lit a few minutes ago, casting a soft glow across the garden as the daylight faded. It was the perfect place for an engagement party.

The music shifted, from an upbeat, pop-y song (that Sara was sure had to be Jordan’s choice on the playlist because it was the farthest thing from Ava’s taste in music) to a slower, softer song that had couples tugging each other to the dance floor, the lights flickering and dimming a little and the mood of the room softening to a warm glow. It made Sara’s chest ache. 

Jordan’s smile was wide as she pulled Ava towards the others already dancing, her arms looping around Ava’s neck and Ava’s circling her waist. 

They fit together; matching hearts, matching lives, matching smiles.

(And matching engagement rings.)

Jordan’s smile didn’t hurt. She seemed happy and in love, and Sara would never have resented her for that. No - what hurt was the way  _ Ava’s _ eyes lit up in response to Jordan swaying gently beside her, the way she leaned into Jordan’s touch, ducking her head down with a smile as her cheeks flushed. The way Jordan looked up with a secret murmur on her lips and affection in her eyes, and the way Ava seemed to melt the moment their eyes met, in complete awe that she got to be here, living in this moment, with the girl who meant more to her than anyone else in the world.

What hurt the most, in a way that made Sara’s thoughts a little blurry and forced her to look away as her heart retracted back behind the walls she’d built years ago, was that this… this was what she and Ava had planned out in their minds, once upon a time. Back when she’d used to let her daydreams wander, without fearing where they’d end up. Back when she’d been the one holding Ava in her arms, twirling her around the dance floor, excitement and new beginnings at the forefront of their minds. 

Even when things had been going badly, evenings like these, where they were both dressed up and looking beautiful - they were some of Sara’s favourite memories from the last few months she and Ava had been together. They were a relief, a breath of fresh air, a few hours where they could be  _ Sara and Ava _ instead of whatever their relationship was crumbling into.

Sara looked away, draining her glass of champagne. 

  
  


** _April, 2014: _ **

_ “I wasn’t sure you’d come. After our fight last night.”  _

_ Ava sighed, holding her champagne away from herself so that the still fizzing bubbles from her freshly poured glass wouldn’t stain her dress. “Sara,” she said, her voice heavy with exhaustion and tinged with irritation. “I know this important to you. I wasn’t going to not come.”  _

_ “You had me fooled,” said Sara before she could stop herself, forcing herself not to down the rest of her champagne and leave Ava here in search of another glass.  _

_ “Don’t do that,” said Ava sharply. “Don’t make me the bad guy. We were both being shitty last night okay? We’ve both got a lot going on.”  _

_ Sara glanced down. She was leaning against a marble countertop, fingers tracing the artful cracks and speckles in the marble as the golden flecks caught the sparkle of the overhanging lights and chandeliers. She’d helped pick out those chandeliers. Her nails were painted gold to match the theme of the museum’s opening party: History’s Riches.  _

_ Sara had never been prouder of doing anything in her entire life. It had been three years and three summers of painstaking work, late nights, endless meetings and board consultations, and debates and council appeals and funding applications and rejected grants and consultations across the country, and archival research and construction plans and budgeting proposals and hopes and plans and dreams and failures and helplessness and breakdowns and visions and aspirations and an unbridled, unrestrained drive to make this  _ ** _work _ ** _ that Sara had no idea she was even capable of.  _

_ And now here it was. The Star City Ancient History Museum. Restored, reconstructed, and curated with the help of the Star City University’s 2014 Honours History students.  _

_ Ava shifted, and Sara felt the warmth of Ava’s body against hers. Sara shut her eyes, exhaling slowly.  _

_ “Yeah,” she said quietly. “I know. I’m sorry. It’s just … it’s hard to snap out of feeling like that.”  _

_ Ava’s fingers trailed down Sara’s back, the touch making Sara’s skin tickle and leaving a gentle warmth in its wake. “I just don’t want to do this here,” said Ava softly. “Not now, not at something that means so much.”  _

_ Sara couldn’t help but lean a little closer. “Thank you for coming in the end.”  _

_ Ava didn’t reply immediately, stepping back, tugging Sara by the wrist and pulling her towards the dance floor in the middle of the room. The elegance was unbelievable. Huge, stone pillars, enormous, lavish plants around the room, an honest to god red carpet, beautiful exhibits on display around the room that Sara and Nate had helped hand pick for this opening party. Ava gave Sara a smile - soft and genuine, one that made the last of Sara’s anger melt away as she carefully draped her arms around Ava’s neck without messing up her hair. Ava pulled Sara a little closer, leaning down a little to murmur, “I’m proud of you for this Sara. This museum is incredible. It’s going to do so much for the city.”  _

_ Sara leaned into the sound of Ava’s voice instinctively. Things had been so strained between them, she’d missed this intimacy, this affection and admiration and gentle reassurance.  _

_ “And,” said Ava, her voice a little more certain, a little spark of something there that wasn’t before, “you look beautiful.”  _

_ Sara bit her lip, eyes flickering up to meet Ava’s. It felt like the world had clicked into place again. At least for now, they could be  _ ** _them _ ** _ again, even if when they stepped out of the bubble of this party, the feeling that maybe the rest of their lives could feel like this - this moment of contentment - would disappear.  _

_ “Can you believe we did this?” Sara said, untangling her arms from around Ava’s neck and instead curling her fingers in Ava’s as she stepped back to look around. “Look at it. I can’t believe it’s  _ ** _real_ ** _ .”  _

_ “When you put your mind to it, you can do anything,” said Ava, her voice full of fondness and pride. Her thumb gently traced just below Sara’s bottom lip, careful not to smudge Sara’s lipstick. “You can do and have anything you want Sara. You’re capable of all of it.”  _

_ Sara squeezed Ava’s hands, just once, but long enough that Ava could properly feel it. “Thanks Aves,” she said. “And … you look incredible too.”  _

“I was almost expecting you to bail,” said Nate, appearing by her side with a champagne flute in each hand, passing her one before she had to ask. Sara shuffled slightly on her feet, unable to help glancing back up at Ava and Jordan before the twinge of complicated, painful emotions became too much and she let her gaze drop to the tiny, fizzing bubbles of her champagne. Nate glanced up to where Sara had been looking and his grin faded slightly, a quiet apology halfway out of his mouth before Sara shook her head, interrupting him. 

“Don’t,” she said in barely a whisper. “It’s … it’s fine. I wouldn’t have come if it wasn’t fine.” 

Nate shut his mouth, his eyes still full of sympathy but deciding against pressing the apology anyway. Sara took a long sip of champagne. 

Jordan and Ava were happy. Purely, simply happy. That wasn’t what hurt, because Sara had always wanted that for Ava. 

What hurt was being here, at a party so beautiful and decadent and carefully planned, being so dressed up and careful made up, surrounded by people who were the same, everyone knowing they were here for something so wonderful, and it being  _ perfect.  _ Perfect in a way that Sara’s beautiful, decadent, carefully planned, dressed up, made up party hadn’t been. 

Jordan and Ava were content. With this moment, with each other, with enjoying the party that represented the start of the rest of their lives. 

And Nate, more than the others, felt … off. Possibly because he’d never been that close to Ava, before she left. During college, he’d been  _ her _ friend, her favourite person to chat to in between lectures, the partner she chose for group projects and presentations and late night study sessions in a deserted cafe in the middle of exam season. He’d been endlessly supportive, working alongside her afterwards to help open the history museum, growing and learning and teasing her about her relationship with Ava every step of the way. 

Only now, somehow, he was someone  _ Ava _ would confide in - and it was her own fault, almost entirely, but it still didn’t feel fair. She’d  _ chosen _ to go, and she’d left Ava here, but Ava had pushed her away too. Ava had fought with her too, Ava had argued until their relationship became unbearable, Ava had been stubborn and refused to compromise and had given as good as she got, also unable to find a solution to the problems they’d been ignoring for months. Ava had let her go, and had never come after her. And then she’d spent the last five years here in Star City, growing closer to Sara’s friends, taking the affection and attention and trust that used to be hers.

Sara exhaled slowly, letting the tension leak from her shoulders. Someone laughed from across the room, and the gentle hubbub of voices faded as music started to play, a carefully crafted acoustic playlist, music taste she’d recognise anywhere. Maybe she shouldn’t have come. This was Ava’s perfect evening, and no matter what whirlwind of emotions was cycling in her head tonight, the last thing she wanted to do was ruin it.

Nate tilted his head slightly, and Sara dragged herself back to the present, a rueful smile finding its way onto her face. “Z would never have let me ditch this thing,” she replied, ignoring the questioning look Nate shot in her direction, the question he’d asked almost forgotten. She took a long sip of her champagne, but Nate made no attempt to fill the silence. “Besides,” Sara added, fingers tapping against the glass, gesturing around the room with her other hand, “this is normal, right? Dinner with friends, movie nights, brunches and engagement parties - it’s what we’re supposed to be doing at this point in our lives. If I’m staying here, I need to find a new normal. And if I want that to include you guys, I know it’s going to have to include Jordan and Ava too.”

Nate nodded slowly, as if there were words on the tip of his tongue he was fighting back, refusing to say, at least right now. “They’re part of this group, Sara,” he eventually responded, watching Ava lean into Jordan’s side on the other side of the room, swaying gently in time with the music. There was an edge to his voice, an unfamiliar one, one which seemed to accidentally light the spark of defiance Sara had been holding onto since she came back, making it almost impossible to bite back her bitter, uncertain,  _ aren’t I? _

Nate was trying. 

She could see he was trying - she’d known him for years, at one point almost better than he’d known himself. Only now, five years after she’d last seen him, his hair was perfectly in place, and he’d slept at least two hours more than he used to last night and he’d only had two cups of coffee in the morning and seemed put together and was ready to protect Ava and Jordan it seemed, at the cost of her. “We do want you to stay,” he clarified, shooting a mildly apologetic glance in her direction, but with an unfamiliar and uncomfortable intensity, “but you’re going to have to make this work. We’re not losing anyone else.”

That edge was back, this time tinted with a familiar defiance, one that was painfully, and intimately familiar - hastily put on to cover some unexpected scars years ago, eventually managing to smother the hurt Nate hadn’t wanted to feel. Hurt she was responsible for, but had barely given a second thought to. Nate sighed, and Sara’s heart tightened slightly in her chest. They needed to talk. They really, really needed to talk, before whatever  _ this _ was got out of hand and she ended up driving this family away before she even really had them back. 

Five years was a long time.

Five years was long enough for ignored emotions to simmer, bubbling more and more until eventually they boiled over, bringing everything down with them. The first year after she’d left had felt like three, long and drawn out and filled with memories that she couldn’t erase, plans she’d never get to carry out, and far too many nights spent obsessing over what could have been, what should have been, and what she’d given up for good. The remaining time seemed to have vanished in a flash, passing by without her noticing, days long but weeks short, months even shorter. 

As Nate slipped away, Sara caught sight of Ava from across the room, hair falling in gentle waves across one shoulder as she laughed softly, eyes crinkling at the corners and smile bursting across her cheeks, unable to be contained, and suddenly, it was as if no time had passed at all.

* * *

** _March, 2013: _ **

_ “You’re never gonna believe this,” said Sara dropping her duffel bag onto the floor, tossing her jacket down along with it and flopping down onto the bed less than gracefully. From her own side of the bed, Ava laughed, reaching over to run a gentle hand through Sara’s messy hair that made Sara snap her eyes shut and sigh with quiet, intimate comfort. Ava closed her laptop and leaned over to place it on the floor before pulling her legs up to cross them, and turned to face Sara.  _

_ “Hello to you too,” she said with an amused smile. “Not like I haven’t seen you for a week or anything.”  _

_ Sara rolled her eyes. “Oh, so are you gonna get all clingy every time I have to go away for more than a weekend? Jeez Ava, how embarrassing.”  _

_ Ava grabbed a pillow from behind her and hit Sara with it. “Fuck you.”  _

_ Sara laughed, grabbing the pillow before it could be used further as a weapon against her, tossing it aside so that it landed precariously on the edge of the bed. She reached up, curling her fingers into Ava’s t-shirt and tugged her down. Ava pretended to resist out of continued stubbornness, but Sara could see the glint in her eye and she caved quickly, resting one elbow on the bed to keep herself upright but letting herself get pulled down to meet Sara in a soft, slow kiss.  _

_ “Hi baby,” said Sara in barely a whisper against Ava’s lips. “I missed you.”  _

_ Ava smiled, and Sara felt it. “I missed you,” she murmured, before leaning back to sit upright before she got a cramp in her arm. “Now what is it that I’m not gonna believe?”  _

_ Sara’s eyes flashed as she remembered her train of thought, and she dropped her hand into Ava’s lap out of instinct, and it was Ava’s instinct that caught Sara’s fingers in hers, tracing the lines of her palm and the divots of her knuckles without thinking.  _

_ “My mom,” said Sara, shaking her head with disbelief, “literally asked me yesterday, with huge concern and confusion, whether I was thinking of dropping out of college to get married and have a baby.”  _

_ Ava choked on air. “ _ ** _What_ ** _ ?”  _

_ Sara burst into laughter, high pitched peals of giggles, and when she looked over at Ava, she could tell that it was the type of laughter that had Ava thinking for a second that she’d made it up, so a moment later she said, “I know right? How insane is that?”  _

_ Ava curled her fingers into the gaps between Sara’s, squeezing a little. “ _ ** _Why _ ** _ did she think that?”  _

_ Sara shrugged, the action ruffling the duvet underneath her a little. “She said it was because I kept talking about it.”  _

_ Ava arched an eyebrow. “Oh?”  _

_ Sara gave her a  _ ** _look_ ** _ . “Shut up. Not like … not like  _ ** _that. _ ** _ I just … I guess I was just talking about the future. Cause we’re in college and we’re all making plans and you and I have been together for a while now and so when I think about my future it kinda involves you so I was just saying aloud all the random little ideas we’ve had for after college - and not just  _ ** _our _ ** _ ideas. All of us. Jax taking over the garage and Nate wanting to go do his Masters at Metropolis maybe. That kind of stuff.”  _

_ “And you talking about plans after college led your mom to put two and two together and assume that you wanna get married literally right now?” asked Ava incredulously, grinning a little.  _

_ Sara paused, eyes darting up to the ceiling where she let them stay for a few moments. It was the last kind of conversation she’d expected to have during her aunt’s 50th birthday getaway, and it had been lingering on her mind ever since.  _

_ “Hey,” said Ava softly. “What is it?”  _

_ Sara bit her lip. She could tell Ava anything, she knew that. “I guess,” she said slowly, voice a little quieter than before. “I guess it’s because they’ve never heard me talk about any of that kind of stuff before. Even during senior year of high school, I barely ever talked about college because I just wasn’t someone to say much about my future because I didn’t have a picture of it at all. Even when I was with Ollie, and then Nyssa, all my friends who were dating people immediately saw how they could spend the rest of their lives with the people they were with. Obviously, most of them didn’t end up with that future but even at the time, I couldn’t picture a wedding with a white dress and flowers and my dad walking me down the aisle and a reception with a big fancy meal and dancing and speeches - not with anyone. And there was no way I could imagine having kids. I didn’t think I wanted kids for most of my life, you know?”  _

_ “What changed?” asked Ava, a slight, uncertain, self conscious edge to her voice.  _

_ Sara’s eyes sparkled as she glanced over at her girlfriend, but even then, she had her own shyness in her expression. They hadn’t quite talked about this  _ ** _like _ ** _ this yet. “You did Aves,” said Sara. “I mean, you didn’t  _ ** _change_ ** _ , I just mean that you … you came into my life. We started dating.” Sara bit her lip, looking away as a colour rose to her cheeks. “And suddenly, it’s like all these vague, blurry images in my head that could never quite form a whole picture about my future all came into focus, cause I could see it all with you.”  _

_ Ava’s grip on Sara’s hand tightened. “Really?” she said in a small voice.  _

_ Sara swallowed, sitting up and shuffling backwards to lean against the pillows and face Ava properly. “Yeah,” she said, glancing down at her lap. “I uh … I can’t see myself with anyone else anymore Aves.” She paused, before looking up at Ava with wide, unsure eyes. “Can you?”  _

_ Ava’s gaze softened and she reached out with her free hand to tuck Sara’s hair behind her ear. “No,” she said truthfully. “I think you’re it for me, Sara.”  _


	4. maybe our time has come (maybe we're overgrown)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Someone tapped on Sara's shoulder, and she turned, letting the earbud she was about to return to her ear fall. Jordan smiled, kind and warm and inviting. She gestured over to a table in the corner, the table Sara would have chosen immediately, had it been free. A book lay on the table, bookmark in place, alongside a file of paperwork, Jordan’s half drunk coffee and a pair of headphones. 
> 
> “Oh,” Sara said, suddenly forgetting almost every word she knew in the English language. 
> 
> “Hey,” said Jordan cheerfully. “Guess you still remember that this place has the best coffee in this end of the city huh?”"
> 
> OR
> 
> sara's decision to stay in star city starts to cement, and she finds herself an unlikely ally.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello hello lovely folks <3 
> 
> these past couple of weeks have honestly disappeared in front of our eyes so it feels insane to us that it's thursday already. as always, we are so grateful for your love and support and comments on this fic! waking up in the mornings to your comments always makes the day just a little easier to get through even in the busiest, most stressful weeks, and for that, we're so thankful to be back writing something for you guys XX 
> 
> we just wanted to clarify smth that a few people have commented about - nobody is gonna be cheating on anybody in this fic. that's not smth either of us condone or justify in any way shape or form and we would feel uncomfortable writing that into the story. we've grown to rly love jordan as a character and we're not gonna do her the disservice of being cheated on just to get sara and ava (back) together (Eventually). the story's gonna unfold in an organic way and we want the friendships and relationships in it to be healthy and realistic, hence why the gang are still a bit distant with sara, but that's gonna develop quickly! but yeah, we wanted to explain that just as an fyi :-) 
> 
> we're slowly getting to a turning point in the fic, which is just a few chapters away, but this one is a little short so bear with us, and hold tight! we rly rly hope you're liking this story!! let us know what u think, what u predict, or what u wanna see <3 
> 
> (p.s. chapter title is from plum by troye sivan)

** _August, 2019:_ **

“Tell me Sara, how the hell am I supposed to replace your pretty face around here?” 

Sara rolled her eyes, elbowing Pete in the side and peering over his shoulder to look at what he was food prepping for tonight’s dinner menu. 

“There are plenty of pretty waitresses in LA,” she said. “And I’m sure you’ll find someone else whose ass Leroy can spend Friday nights ogling.” A flicker of revulsion crossed Pete’s face and Sara laughed at him. “I’m gonna miss you Pete.” 

“We’re gonna miss you too Lance,” said Pete, turning so he could look at Sara properly. He offered her one of the steak and fig tarts he was glazing and Sara took a bite immediately. Pete was a culinary genius. She was pretty certain he had the potential to open his own five star restaurant, or win Masterchef or something similar, because his talents were wasted on this fun, vibrant but fairly mediocre LA bar. He tapped her nose, the flour on his fingertips making Sara cough a little and send him a half hearted glare. “You sure you’re gonna be okay back in Star City?” he asked with a careful look.

“Why wouldn’t I be?” said Sara through a full mouthful. 

Pete arched his eyebrows. “For all the same reasons you left. What’s different now that you can suddenly go back?” 

Sara took her sweet time swallowing her food, glancing down at the stainless steel countertop covered in flour and chopped figs and medium rare fillets of steak.  _ Was  _ she sure she was gonna be okay? That feeling of being on the fringes, the outside, the  _ you don’t quite belong here  _ ache she’d felt with every second of time she’d spent with the group wasn’t exactly one she wanted to keep feeling. She couldn’t help but remember the unfriendly edge to Nate’s voice when he’d spoken to her at the engagement party, the distance between her and Amaya every time they had a conversation, the anxious burn in Sara’s chest when she looked over to see Ava with Jordan, only for that contentedness to vanish when she appeared to remember Sara was in the room. 

Sara sighed, dusting flour off her leather jacket. “It’s been a long time since I was there for more than just a few days,” she said quietly. “Things have changed.  _ I  _ changed. The things I was running from aren’t there anymore, not in the ways that made me run away from them. I feel like …” She shrugged, blinking a little at a surprising burn behind her eyelids. “I feel like it’s where I need to be right now to figure my life out.” 

(She wasn’t quite sure if it was a lie or not.) 

Pete squeezed her elbow. “You were always meant to do better things than waiting tables and serving drinks Sara. You’re damn good at it, but you’ve got so much more in you. If Star City’s where you can find that part of yourself, you won’t get another shift with me even if you tried.” 

Sara laughed a little tearily. “But … if it doesn’t work out and I end up coming back here …” 

“I’ll fire Leroy without a second thought to get you a job sweetheart.” Pete smiled warmly. “You’re subletting your apartment out to Brodie right?” 

“Yeah,” said Sara, sliding her hands into her back pockets. “That girl’s place is literally about to crumble to the ground or get blown up by the meth lab the idiots above her have running. She needed somewhere safe to move and I needed to give it to someone who I knew wouldn’t care if I ended up moving back in if things don’t work out.” 

“You’re a good person Sara,” said Alaric, the sous-chef who had just come back into the kitchen from the pantry. “And you’ve got a home here anytime you need it.” 

Sara didn’t expect to feel this kind of twinge leaving LA for the second time. She’d fled to this busy, bustling, warm and sunshiney city because it was the opposite of everything Star City was. Because it was on the other side of the country, because she knew she wouldn’t see memories of Ava around every corner, because it somewhere where Sara could stop feeling like she couldn’t  _ breathe  _ with every step she took, like the city that had once been her home was suffocating her. She’d spent months feeling lost, alone, and empty in LA, and honestly... she'd preferred it. She preferred it to the pain she’d been feeling before, to feeling isolated even surrounded by all her friends. She’d gotten used to the hollowness, but somehow, she blinked and five years had passed and LA had filled some of those holes in her heart - not all, but some, and that had to count for something. 

And yet, Sara also knew for certain that she'd just been biding her time here. Working a job she loved (and a job she didn’t, but she couldn’t deny how satisfying it was to resign from  _ Sink Shower & Stuff _ ), but one that didn’t challenge her, wasn’t what she wanted to do forever. And hell, she had no idea whether Star City was where she needed to be now, but it was the only other place she had to go without feeling as though she was running away again to start completely from scratch. 

It was worth a shot. And like Pete and Alaric had said: she could always come back to LA if it didn’t work out.

* * *

** _June, 2014:_ **

_ It was always a back and forth between them. Still was. _

_ Sara unfriended Ava on Facebook.  _

_ Ava unfollowed Sara on Instagram.  _

_ Sara removed Ava on Snapchat.  _

_ Ava unfollowed Sara on Twitter.  _

_ If anyone asked, Sara would claim that Ava was the one who escalated things. Yeah, sure, Sara knew she’d technically started it. But Ava was the one who texted, who severed the last little link both of them had neglected to do anything about, hadn’t touched, hadn’t been able to childishly tug at because the only way to remove it was to block the whole number and neither of them wanted to do that. Not to that extreme.  _

** _Thursday_ ** ** _  
_ ** _ Ava _

** _5:27pm: _ ** ** _  
_ ** _ What the hell is your problem? _

_   
_ ** _5:39pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** _ what are you talking about _

_   
_ ** _5:40pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** _ I know we ended things weirdly but I _ _   
_ _ thought we were gonna try stay ok?  _

** _5:40pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** _ If for nothing else, for our friends? _

_   
_ ** _5:41pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** _ And I thought maybe what we had _ _   
_ _ meant enough to you even now that _ _   
_ _ it’s over for us to stay civil  _

_   
_ ** _5:42pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** _ it’s just easier this way _

_   
_ ** _5:42pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** _ Sara, I barely use social media _

_   
_ ** _5:42pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** _ What difference would it have made? _

_   
_ ** _5:43pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** _ if that’s the case, what difference does _ _   
_ _ it make now then? we won’t see anything _ _   
_ _ of each other either way _

_   
  
_

_ That was when Ava blocked her.  _

_ Her number, on all accounts, every form of social media, every strained, slowly fracturing connection, shattered in an instant.  _

_ Out of stubbornness and a desperate attempt to feel anything other than the black whole of bottomless sadness that she was falling into, Sara changed her number. In her head, she wanted Ava to regret her decision, unblock Sara, try to text her, and then find that Sara wasn’t on the other end. She wanted Ava to feel the same helplessness, the same longing, the same sharp, uncontrollable ache that made Sara gasp through tears when she sat there for too long and thought about whether she should just give up and go back, beg for them to pretend, to pretend they could be who they were six months ago.  _

_ Sara wanted Ava to be as broken as she was. _

_ (Three days later, she tried to go back to the phone store and get her old number back.)  _

_ (It had already been taken by someone else.) _

* * *

Out of everyone here in Star City - except maybe Nora - Jordan had made the most effort to ask about Sara’s time in LA, and to get to know who she was  _ now _ , rather than before. And the more Sara found out about her, the more she liked her - no matter how hard she wanted not to. Because sure, Jordan was here where she had once wanted to be, engaged to Ava, successful and put-together and everything Sara couldn’t see herself being any time in the near future, but she was also always the first to offer a ride, the first one to look up and smile when Sara walked into a restaurant five minutes late, shuffling her chair around to make more room. She seemed, probably because she was blissfully unaware of the past, the most eager to accept Sara back into this friendship group.

Sara appreciated it. She appreciated it a lot more than she’d expected, considering who it was coming from.

And even though things were still tense and a little awkward, none of that was on Jordan - she wasn’t the one avoiding Sara’s eyes whenever they were in the same room, or the one who always found an excuse to leave whenever she was about to find herself in a situation alone with Sara. She wasn’t the one making it difficult to fix this. That was Ava, and Jordan just so happened to kind of be a part of the package. (Although, in all fairness, Sara knew she wasn’t being the easiest to get along with either. She didn’t particularly  _ want _ Ava to get along with her. In truth, no matter what the others had implied with their not so subtle glances and occasional disapproving comments, she was happy keeping Ava at arm’s length - or further - avoiding discussing the ticking time bomb hanging between them.) 

But that left a void Sara didn’t know how to fill, this seemingly unfixable gash between who she’d been in LA, and who she was here.

And it didn’t make  _ sense _ for this to be weighing so heavily on her mind, not at 3pm on a Monday afternoon, entirely unprovoked but creeping up no matter how hard she tried to push it away. Before, on days like these, she used to attempt to slip home -  _ home  _ home - if she could find the time. Her dad had always seemed to know what to say, and which direction she needed nudging in when she didn’t know where to go by herself. That was the advantage of staying in the same city for college - although now, there would be a different family living in the house she’d once called home, strangers with no idea who she was, despite the familiarity of the neighbourhood she’d end up in.

She just needed advice. Or at least, someone to talk to who wasn’t a part of this, who wasn’t expecting her to  _ be _ anyone or act how they expected or say what they wanted her to say. 

“Regular caramel latte?”

Sara blinked, pulling herself out of the haze she’d sunk into and taking her coffee with a smile, half-hearted and a little forced, but there. She’d thought coffee might make this situation better - or finding a table in a quiet café she hadn’t visited since being back to sit at and people watch in, music playing loud enough to drown out both other people’s conversations, and the thoughts she couldn’t manage to ignore. 

Someone tapped on her shoulder, and she turned, letting the earbud she was about to return to her ear fall. Jordan smiled, kind and warm and inviting. She gestured over to a table in the corner, the table Sara would have chosen immediately, had it been free. A book lay on the table, bookmark in place, alongside a file of paperwork, Jordan’s half drunk coffee and a pair of headphones. 

“Oh,” Sara said, suddenly forgetting almost every word she knew in the English language. 

“Hey,” said Jordan cheerfully. “Guess you still remember that this place has the best coffee in this end of the city huh?” 

Sara laughed, hoping it didn’t sound tight or forced. “Yeah,” she said. “It uh … used to be my favourite place to study.” 

Jordan nodded towards her table. “Great minds think alike. I take literally any opportunity to do work here rather than in my office. My job is great but the whole four walls in a high rise building? Not really my thing.” 

Sara wrinkled her nose. “I can imagine,” she said, and the genuineness of her comment surprised her. Jordan was almost …  _ easy  _ to talk to. 

“Come join me,” Jordan suggested, and Sara wet her lips, throat a little dry. 

“It’s okay,” she shook her head, attempting to match Jordan’s smile. “I don’t want to disturb - “

“You’re not,” Jordan insisted, shaking her head. “It’s good to see you here, and some company would be nice. It’d be an excuse to give up on the reports I’m going over.” She paused, giving Sara a curious look. “And besides, I’ve been wanting to get to know you better - I feel like we skipped introductions somehow, and I missed out because I didn’t know you before.” 

Sara nodded again, racking her brain for excuses to get out of this. Jordan was trying - she was trying  _ so hard _ \- and she deserved better than a simple refusal. But with her coffee in hand and an empty coffee shop in front of her, Sara didn’t know what she could do without seeming rude. To Jordan, she was Ava’s friend. She was someone Jordan wanted to know better, because no one had told her the truth. Sitting down for a chat with her seemed like something Ava would  _ not _ be happy about. But then again … this was  _ her _ life. If Ava hadn’t wanted this, she should have told Jordan the truth in the first place, rather than ignoring the word  _ ex-girlfriend _ and choosing to introduce Sara as her friend instead, and then never thinking to clarify, even though she’d had over a month.

That, too, wasn’t helping. 

“Sara?” 

Sara blinked, eyes flicking down to the table and back up to Jordan, finally setting her mug onto the table and taking the seat opposite Jordan’s. “Sorry, “ she started, curling her hands around the mug, seeking comfort more than warmth. “I’m a bit out of it today.”

Jordan shook her head slightly with a smile, sliding her book over to the corner of the table before glancing back over to Sara, eyes flicking over her expression. Sara tensed slightly, filled with the uncomfortable feeling of being  _ seen _ in a way she rarely had been since she came back. Jordan frowned slightly, eyes tinged with concern. Her voice was quiet, almost tentative as though she wasn’t sure she knew Sara well enough for this as she asked “Are you okay?”

Sara nodded stiffly, taking a sip of her coffee and almost burning her tongue.

Jordan looked at her disbelievingly, and Sara almost laughed. This was ridiculous. This whole situation - it was winding and complicated and would probably vary wildly depending on who was telling it. But Jordan was too perceptive, too kind-hearted, too  _ nice _ .

“If you don’t want to talk about whatever’s going on, that’s cool too,” she said gently. “I know I don’t know you, not like the others.”

Sara sighed softly, carefully. She shook her head. “No. It’s not … it’s not that.” It wasn’t. Jordan  _ didn’t  _ know her, but perhaps - maybe - that was a good thing. Sara paused, weighing up her options. (Leaving was probably a good one. Faking a phone call, slipping out of the door. But it just didn’t feel  _ right _ .) “I think that’s why you’re different,” she admitted, hoping the words coming out of her mouth didn’t offend Jordan, let any secrets slip, or any combination of the two. “You don’t know me and … it’s kind of a relief. You, and to some extent Nora - although I think Ray’s told her a lot about me, so it’s not the same. To be honest… you’re probably the best one to talk to.”

Jordan smiled encouragingly, but didn’t interrupt, instead watching as Sara chewed her lip and then took another sip of her coffee. “I don’t know who I’m supposed to be,” she admitted carefully, leaning back slightly in her chair. “You only know this me, but everyone else … they remember who I was when I left, and I think a lot of them were expecting the same person to come back. Not that I’m not still me, but - I’ve changed, and I’m not entirely who they remember. And it’s jarring. Most of the time I don’t notice it, but sometimes -” 

_ A friend. Sara’s a friend from college.  _

Sara swallowed. “Sometimes I don’t know which version of me people want.”

Jordan’s eyes followed as she put her coffee down, keeping her hands wrapped firmly around it. It felt odd, talking about this with Jordan - but the more she thought about it, the more she realised that this was what she’d needed. Someone disconnected, someone impartial. 

Jordan thought for a moment. 

She had kind eyes. She had a kind personality, too, but it was her eyes that made Sara want to trust her. That, or the pressure from keeping this all inside her for weeks, unsure who to talk to. 

“I think you’re looking at this wrong,” Jordan eventually started, words thoughtful but with the gentle authority of someone who knew what they were saying was true. “It’s not about which you people want - it’s about who you are. And that might be who you left as, or who you returned as, or a mixture of both - but it’s your choice. You get to decide, not anyone else - all you can do is be truthful.”

It was good advice, even though it stung, advice given generously with an ironic reminder that at some point, Jordan would find out the truth too. 

“Honestly, Sara … I know you’ve got five years separating you guys, but this friendship group is so important. You’re there for each other in a way many other people wouldn’t be, I’ve seen that in the last few years of knowing everyone. And even if you realise the version of yourself they’re seeing isn’t who you want to be, they’d give you the space to change. Because it seems to me like once you’re in this group, you’re in it for good - no matter how far apart you go, or how long you stay away.”

Sara wanted to be skeptical, wanted to accept Jordan’s advice with a smile but internally dismiss it because of how isolated and out of place she felt with the people Jordan was pushing her to trust. But there was  _ something  _ about Jordan - about the warmth of her eyes, about the softness in her expression, and about the fact she talked about Sara’s friends the way she remembered from all those years ago - that made Sara wonder if it wasn’t something her friends were missing seeing  _ her _ , but something she was missing seeing  _ them.  _ She’d seen glimpses of them in ways she recognised over the past month, and it had made her feel so much like herself that she’d wondered how she’d managed to stay away from Star City for so long. 

“Hey,” said Jordan, reaching out and curling a hand around Sara’s wrist. Sara snapped back into the present, a little shocked at the small action of comfort from the woman across from her. It took a second for Sara to realise, once again, that Jordan didn’t know about Sara and Ava’s history. If she did, she certainly wouldn’t be acting so sweet. 

“Sorry,” Sara said again. 

“Don’t be,” Jordan said firmly. “How’s this - until you find your footing with everybody else, you’ve got me. Someone who only knows you for who you are. Okay?” 

Sara let out a quiet laugh, guilt flaring in her chest. She forced herself to meet Jordan’s eyes. “Okay.”

* * *

One perk of having spent most of her life in Star City was the fact that even after all this time, Sara had connections. Despite the fact that she felt like she was constantly missing the bottom step of a staircase in this city, she knew the streets blindfolded, knew exactly who to call in almost any situation, and when it came to needing a job, Sara had a long list of people she could ask to help her out. It only took a few hours of calls and emails before she got a text back from an old friend - Tommy Merlyn, who co-owned a bar downtown with Sara’s ex-boyfriend Oliver. The bar,  _ Verdant _ , had been one of Sara’s favourite clubs in her last year of college. Tommy and Oliver had opened it straight out of graduating as a way to roll money in with whatever they got up to instead of grad school. They both came from wealthy families and had a sizeable trust fund each, so it hadn’t taken much for the then 21 year old boys to pull together everything they needed and open up the place. In fact, Sara had even worked a few shifts there when she had the time during her senior year.

It was a lively, colourful, funky place that had remained a college student favourite over the years, and Sara was immediately relieved when Tommy sent a job offer her way, because with everything that was uncertain about her being in Star City again, this she knew. Even if it wasn’t a fancy, important,  _ adult  _ job, Sara knew she was good at this. 

The layout hadn’t changed much since the last time Sara was there, but Tommy still gave her a Tuesday evening shift to start off with so she could get reacquainted and refamiliarise herself with working there. Sara had been hoping for a chill night. Easy and slow and perhaps even with a few fun customers with some good stories that would make Sara laugh and relax into being here. Maybe some college students who’d come back for the semester early and were enjoying the time they had before classes started for the year.

She definitely had not been hoping for Ava to show up two hours into her shift with a murderous on her face. 

Sara sighed, rolling her shoulders a little. “Here we go,” she muttered. 

“Here we go what?” asked Nellie, a sweet but no-nonsense 22 year old who was working the same shift. 

“You’ll see,” said Sara through her teeth, finishing polishing the glass in her hands and flashing Ava a tight smile from across the counter. “Never took you for one to have a drink this early in the day, or this early in the week Ava, but what can I get you?” 

“I’m not here for a drink,” said Ava testily, standing right opposite Sara and pointedly refusing to take a seat at one of the stools. Sara could see the curiosity on Nellie’s face out of the corner of her eye. She sighed. 

“Think you could go make yourself busy out back for five minutes?” she asked. “But only five minutes because otherwise she’ll have enough time to kill me and dispose of the body and I can promise you now that I’m the best bartender you’ll ever have and you’ll be sad to see me go.” 

Ava let out a condescending scoff, shoving her hands furiously into the pockets of her pants. Nellie grinned a little, nodding. Sara waited for her to be out of earshot before folding her arms, steeling her expression into a hard glare. 

“What do you want Ava?” 

“I want to know what the hell you were thinking becoming best friends with Jordan.” 

“What?” said Sara before she could stop herself, unable to keep the surprise out of her voice. “What are you talking about?” Ava let out another scoff and Sara snapped “Stop spitting into the air and use your damn words Ava.” 

“Why did I get home last night only for Jordan to be going on about you two getting coffee yesterday, how sweet you are and asking why she’d barely heard us talk about you until the funeral?” Ava leaned forward on the counter, her nails tapping against the plastic countertop. “Why the hell did I have to try find a way to talk her out of inviting you over for dinner? I don’t want to have dinner with you Sara, and I don’t want Jordan thinking that we should!” 

“What are you talking about, dinner would be lovely,” said Sara sarcastically, and when Ava’s nostrils flared, she threw her towel onto the counter between them frustratedly. “For fuck’s sake Ava, we ran into each other at a coffee shop! She invited me to sit down and chat and what was I supposed to do? Say ‘oh, no, sorry, you’re engaged to my ex-girlfriend and this would be weird and she would hate it’? I get not telling her about us when I first met her but it’s been over a month since I got back into town, and you still haven’t said anything and I’m not going to because it’s not my place! But until you do, I have no excuse to avoid her being lovely to me because for all she knows, I’m just an old friend from college. It’s your responsibility to be honest to your fianceé Ava. And I’m just trying to be a decent person and get to know Jordan.” 

“Bullshit,” said Ava, but Sara could tell that the anger in her eyes was predominantly from knowing that Sara was right. “I swear to god Sara, if you try  _ anything  _ \- if you  _ do  _ anything to fuck up my relationship with her -” 

Sara’s jaw dropped. “Are you kidding me?” she said, and she wished she could have more fury in her voice but instead, it came out a little cracked. She let a disbelieving little huff. “God Ava. I can’t believe you think that low of me. I  _ like  _ Jordan.” Something flickered in Ava’s eyes - perhaps the start of an apology, and Sara suddenly felt too vulnerable, her defenses firing up again. “And honestly? I really don’t care enough about you to give a shit about meddling in your current relationship.” 

The moment of sympathy and apology vanished as quickly as it had appeared and Ava’s expression was icy again. “Good to know,” she said coolly. She took a step back from the counter. “I’ll tell Jordan about us when it’s the right time. Don’t say anything until then.” 

“I’ll avoid being friendly in coffee shops, or clothes shops, or restaurants, or on street corners while I’m at it,” said Sara flatly. 

“Just -” Ava stopped herself, pursing her lips and shaking her head. “You know what? Not even worth it. I’m going home. I’ll see you at Wally’s tomorrow night.” 

“I’m not coming,” said Sara stubbornly. (She’d been looking forward to game night at Wally’s all week.) 

A conflicted expression crossed Ava’s face. “Sara, don’t make me some kind of bad guy and the reason you don’t hang out with the rest of the group.” 

Sara wanted to yell  _ it’s not  _ ** _my _ ** _ group, you wouldn’t even care if I wasn’t there - you didn’t for five years!  _ but she held her tongue. Instead, she curled her fingers into the towel in front of her and wiped a spill of vodka. “I have to work,” she lied, not meeting Ava’s eye. “They’re still showing me the ropes, so. Can’t come.” 

Ava looked less than convinced. “Fine,” she said, turning and walking out of the bar, the heels of her boots echoing off the floor and through the sparsely populated room. 

“Damn,” said Nellie, and Sara jumped. 

“Jesus!” she hissed, throwing the towel at the younger girl. 

“That fight was loaded with history,” Nellie said, an intrigued eyebrow raised. “And you’re not rostered on for tomorrow night.” 

Sara pushed her hair off her face. “I’m not talking about this,” she said firmly. “Aren’t you meant to be training me or something?” 

“Uh huh,” said Nellie, chuckling. “You’ve been working two hours and you can already do this job better than every other bartender here. But whatever. You wanna avoid my interrogation, you can go do inventory out back.” 

“Sounds perfect,” said Sara, already ducking around the bar and hurrying away. 

“But trust me,” Nellie called, “one of these days, I’m gonna get some tequila in you and you’re gonna give me the story here!” 

To that, Sara just flipped her off.


	5. lately i've been in the backseat to my own life (trying to take control but i don't know how to)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "“I’ll see you guys later,” Jordan said, her eyes lingering on Sara for a moment longer than necessary before hurrying out of the apartment after Ava. Sara bit her lip, hard. This had been inevitable. It had been bubbling for weeks now, and this shouldn’t have been on her, and yet… Everyone else in the group exchanged furtive, uncertain glances with each other, varying levels of frustration and irritation thrown in, and Sara eyed the door, hating more than anything that her impulse, even with her friends standing right beside her, was to run."
> 
> or
> 
> things all come to a head, and sara finally has an honest conversation with nate about leaving.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello again :-) 
> 
> another week, another chapter! we're finally getting to the point where the angsty-ness between sara & the rest of the group starts to lessen (bc honestly, don't think sara could take much more of it) and this chapter is a big turning point. the chapters after this are some of our favourites so we hope u guys like the direction the story goes! 
> 
> we absolutely adore reading ur reactions, comments and speculations about sara & her relationships with everybody. (don't worry! sara does soon get some friends outside of the rest of the group.) as always, we do this all for you guys! 
> 
> (p.s. title is from sad forever by lauv)

** _September, 2019:_ **

It had been over seven years since Sara had had a proper  _ rivalry  _ with Ava, so she definitely hadn’t expected to be able to fall back into it so instinctively. They’d certainly had a few fights during their relationship (more than a few towards the end) but even those had been loaded with more than just frustration and animosity - with the clearness that they both hated being at odds with each other, the love laced behind it all and the hope that they would make it work even at the worst of their fights. Now, it was like going back to when they had first met, when Ava was an uptight, rule following, unapologetically stiff, boring, know-it-all who was the last person in the entire world Sara ever wanted anything to do with. 

The confrontation and Ava’s accusation at  _ Verdant  _ had left Sara with a grudge that she definitely wasn’t willing to get over. Especially when it was mainly Ava’s fault anyway.  _ She  _ was the one who hadn’t told Jordan the truth about who Sara was. Sara was sure if she talked to Ray about it, he’d say something about the fact that she felt vulnerable being in Star City where Ava had the upper hand, and that having something to hold against her was Sara attempting to protect herself. But Sara didn’t have the patience for Ray channeling his undergrad psych minor. She just wanted a  _ reason  _ to hold onto some of the unsettled anger she felt, and here was one, ready and waiting. 

The problem was, she didn’t have anyone on her side. She knew Zari was in her corner (was perhaps the  _ only  _ one in her corner), but Zari had also fit back into the group in a way Sara hadn’t yet, so every time the tiniest hint of bickering broke out, whenever Ava sighed at Sara and Sara bit back with a mildly scathing retort, even Zari nudged Sara as a silent  _ hey, back off.  _

So when it came to being in front of everybody else, Sara really shouldn’t have scoffed. Nobody was gonna take her side, and admittedly, she didn’t have much of a side for anyone to  _ take _ , she was just being petty. It was  _ habit.  _ She’d basically cauterised every little wound that breaking up with Ava had left, and with it any softness, any way of tripping back into old patterns of sympathy and a gentle, caring, slightly more than friendliness with Ava was burned. All that was left was annoyance, exasperation, and a constant need to roll her eyes or exchange a  _ look  _ with someone, or make a snide comment or murmur something under her breath. Because yeah, maybe it was true what they said - all the reasons you loved someone once become the same reasons you hate them later. Ava was so uptight and unflinchingly followed the rules and Sara was struggling a little to understand how she’d once been so head over heels for someone who acted as though they had the straightest rod known to man shoved up their ass 24/7. 

And so she’d slipped. 

Ava had said something mildly chastising about the slightly less than legal poker game Mick regularly organised for his less than legal buddies, and Sara scoffed a little too loudly, and that was it. Whether Ava had had a bad day at work, or whether the building frustration of Sara showing up again had come to a head, or whether she felt some kind of need to defend herself in front of Jordan, Sara didn’t know. But instead of just letting it go like normal - 

“What?” Ava snapped, too exhausted to ignore Sara’s wordless (but clearly less than friendly) reaction to her reprimand. The chatter in the room quietened, and Jordan looked a little stunned, as though she’d never heard this kind of bite to Ava’s voice before. She probably hadn’t, Sara realised.  _ This  _ kind of angry frustration was reserved for her. 

“What do you mean,  _ what _ ?” she asked innocently, taking a sip of her cider. 

Ava’s eyes narrowed. “I mean, what the hell is your problem Sara?” 

“Babe,” Jordan started a little uneasily, placing a handle on Ava’s arm. Ava ignored her. 

“I let it go because it’s been five years,” she said quietly, her dangerously low voice shaking with building anger, “and because Jax died, and that was why we were all here, and because we were all hurting and you were still adjusting to being back in this city. But I’m done. Because you know what?”

Ava paused, long enough to take a breath, but no one in the room interrupted her. She ran one hand through her hair, frustration building. “We’re not kids anymore Sara. Whatever problems you still have with me, I thought that you would’ve at least grown up a  _ little bit  _ in all this time to put them aside, but clearly not - because you’re not even capable of being civil like a regular adult.” She shook her head, eyes burning with a fierce, challenging glint that made something indignant and furious flare in Sara’s chest. “I don’t know why I’m surprised,” Ava continued coolly. “You made it very clear five years ago that you wanted nothing to do with me. So keep that up all you like, but don’t expect me to just be friendly and ignore it. You don’t deserve that from me.” 

Before Sara could reply, - whether to argue, apologise, defend herself, make a very weak joke to divert the uncomfortable awkwardness everybody else in the room seemed to be feeling - Ava had gotten up and left, grabbing her bag from by the door and walking out, slamming the door behind her. Jordan got up quickly too, a clearly confused expression on her face but there was a glint of something in the corner of her eyes. Suspicion. Understanding. 

Ava hadn’t said much, but she’d said enough.

“Sorry you guys,” she said, tugging on her denim jacket. “She must’ve had a long day at work.” 

“No, of course,” said Nate, and Sara could feel his gaze on her. “Don’t worry about it Jordan.” 

“I’ll see you guys later,” Jordan said, her eyes lingering on Sara for a moment longer than necessary before hurrying out of the apartment after Ava. Sara bit her lip, hard. This had been inevitable. It had been bubbling for weeks now, and this shouldn’t have been on her, and yet… Everyone else in the group exchanged furtive, uncertain glances with each other, varying levels of frustration and irritation thrown in, and Sara eyed the door, hating more than anything that her impulse, even with her friends standing right beside her, was to run.

  
  


“She had to find out eventually,” Sara attempted to reason as Nate shut the door to his apartment behind them, closing it a little too hard, and knocking the latch into place. He dumped his keys on the coffee table, running one hand through his hair. He’d offered to drive her home, after Ava had stormed out and the silence had settled, thick and suffocating and leaving everyone in the room’s eyes on her. She’d taken him up on it, so desperate to leave that she was willing to ignore how terse the gesture seemed, how tense and strained his words were, and the uncomfortable pit that settled in her stomach when Ray had caught Nate’s wrist on the way out of the door, a hint of concern edging into his expression, a quick conversation she’d been too far away to hear passing between them.

The car ride was silent, but instead of the flat she’d just moved into with Zari they’d ended up at Nate’s little apartment near the university, and it struck Sara all of a sudden that she hadn’t been here yet, despite how familiar it seemed to feel. She’d barely spent any time with Nate either, either through fluke or due to long held, unresolved issues between them, the latter being the far more likely option of the two. Nate cleared his throat, and Sara tried her hardest to ignore the spark of panic igniting in her chest at the genuine, lingering anger behind his eyes. 

Sara groaned internally. He wasn’t going to drop this, at least until after they’d talked. 

“This isn’t a big deal.”

Nate scoffed.

It was a poor excuse, and he knew it. But even though she’d had no right to let that information slip, it wasn’t as though Ava had handled the situation any better. She should’ve told Jordan the truth in the first place, back when Sara had first shown up back in Star City. And on top of that, Ava shouldn’t have started that argument in the first place, she shouldn’t’ve dragged the argument they’d been having  _ now _ back to the past, and she shouldn’t’ve stolen all of Sara’s friends whilst she was gone and been so fucking infuriating in the first place. 

Sara dumped her bag on the floor near the door, crossing her arms across her chest to mach Nate’s position, arguments on the tip of her tongue before Nate got there first, interrupting her before she could even start, a little colder and a little harsher than she’d expected. “It  _ is _ a big deal, Sara. Of course she was going to find out eventually, but Ava at least deserved to be able to tell her when she felt comfortable doing so. They’re getting  _ married _ , and if any part of you ever cared about Ava at all, you’d  _ know _ that it’s a big deal. It matters, to Ava. And because we’re her friends, it matters to all of us too.”

Sara’s fingernails sunk into her palm, and she fought to keep her expression neutral. It had been a split second, not even a deliberate choice of words, but for the first time since she got back Sara knew with absolute clarity that ‘ _ we _ ’ did not include her.

“So you’re going to defend her now?” she asked coldly, not even fighting the urge to roll her eyes. “Because you’re what, her knight in shining armour? The person she goes to for help? Someone she trusts to have her back, regardless of who gets thrown under the bus this time?” 

She’d overdone it, and she knew it, but from somewhere the words kept pouring, frustration and anger and a hint of ice the only thing masking the way her voice wanted to shake under the weight of the walls caving in around her. “Because I don’t remember you sitting with Ava on day one of college, nervous and a little shy even though you never would have admitted it. I don’t remember you messing about in the deserted library with her at 2am when you had essays due the next morning, I don’t remember you two struggling over your coursework together and joking with your professors and spending four years getting to know each other, and then making plans to work together after college finished because neither of you wanted things to end. I don’t remember you  _ ever _ being close to her - you were  _ my _ best friend Nate, not hers!”

Nate’s glare hardened, voice raising to match hers, words tainted by a hint of disbelief, “yeah, Sara. I  _ was _ . And you  _ left. _ ”

_ I was coming back _ , Sara wanted to interrupt, yet another lie to add to the pile.  _ I didn’t mean to leave _ \- no, that one wasn’t true either. She’d known exactly what she was doing. She’d thought it through, and she’d known what she was giving up, and she’d left. She couldn’t even remember if she’d properly said goodbye.

Nate let out a soft noise of heartbroken disbelief. “God Sara, I don’t even know if it’s properly occurred to you that Ava wasn’t the only person you left behind. I was here, waiting for all the plans we spent years making, and then suddenly you were just… gone. And I  _ knew _ breaking up with Ava was hard for you, and I knew you were a mess Sara, but you didn’t…” Nate cut himself off, one hand gesturing at nothing, the anger that he’d found before fading fast to let five years worth of exhaustion take its place. “We had to move on. Of course we all had to move on. You can justify leaving however you want Sara, but you _ have t _ o stop ignoring our side of this too. You leaving didn’t just affect you. But we couldn’t keep waiting for you to come back and fill the space you left behind, not when it constantly felt like there was something missing. And you can hate me all you want for it, but I’m not gonna apologise for finding someone else who could be my friend the way you weren’t when you took off to LA.”

The silence was deafening, white noise mixed with the pounding of Sara’s heart in her ears. The worst thing about this all was she couldn’t fault Nate for any of it. He was right - everyone seemed to be right, except her, and she wanted nothing more than to drop this. She would, if it wasn’t the quickest way to lose him, for good. It felt as if they’d been having three arguments at once, each topic intertwined with another - more and more hurt piled on top of itself, so deep they could barely still see daylight. If Sara didn’t fix this, there would always be a crack in her relationships with the rest of their group, a tear that she couldn’t glue back together. This was the push she’d been waiting for, but if she wasted it, there might be no second chance.

“I think we should talk about this,” Sara eventually managed, soft and careful and more than a little tentative. Nate nodded slowly, a small smile finding its way onto his lips, and for a moment, if Sara hadn’t known better, she would almost have assumed he was proud. 

“Yeah,” he agreed quietly, looking a little more like the Nate she remembered, the Nate she’d almost lost the right to know. His smile quirked up a little at one side with a familiarity that made Sara’s heart ache, and he tilted his head towards his kitchen. “Come get a drink. And after that, we’ll talk.”

* * *

** _May, 2014:_ **

_“I don’t think Ava and I can make this work,” Sara admitted quietly, wiping her eyes on the back of her hand, although tears seemed to keep on coming. She’d spent the last few weeks - months, even - hoping desperately that she was wrong, wishing that things would just _**_fix_** _themselves, so she and Ava could go back to how things were before. But this ache in her chest seemed to remain no matter how hard she tried to get rid of it, the overwhelming truth she’d been so hesitant to admit closing in around her lungs, making her breath catch in her throat, stomach twisting every time she let her thoughts drift, because they always, always found their way back to Ava._

_ Amaya had tried to talk to her last week, eyes kind and words kinder as she caught Sara after class, not deliberately calling her out on her attempts to isolate herself, but making her thoughts clear anyway. She’d wanted to help, just like Jax and Ray and Zari had all tried to - and for a moment, Sara had wanted to let her, only to find that she couldn’t. The sentences formed in her head never made it any further, her throat closing up as soon as she considered speaking, thoughts blurring with panic because telling anyone how bad things really were would make it  _ ** _real_ ** _ , and maybe, for a few weeks longer, she could pretend it wasn’t. _

_ Pretend she wasn’t losing Ava. _

_ (She was losing Ava. She’d probably lost her already.) _

_ But until today, it had felt salvageable. _

_ The stupid thing was, there had been nothing  _ ** _different_ ** _ about today. She’d gotten home from college like usual, hanging up her bag by the door and placing her shoes neatly in the shoe rack, beside the empty space where Ava’s boots had been this morning. She hadn’t seen Ava yet today, but that was becoming a more frequent occurrence. There was nothing unusual, at least compared to the past few weeks. But when Sara had looked around the apartment -  _ ** _their_ ** _ apartment - a few hours later, as the early evening sun shone through the window Ava had fallen in love with the moment they first looked at this place, she knew, with absolute certainty, that this was it.  _

_ The worst part was, nothing had  _ ** _happened_ ** _ . There’d been no big fight, no final crack, noone doing anything wrong, nobody cheating, nobody making a bad decision. Their relationship, for all intents and purposes, was the same as it had always been. It should’ve still been working. It was supposed to last forever.  _

_ Sara assumed this was one of those horrible, heart wrenching moments of adult realisation. That sometimes, this was just it. People outgrew each other. They fell out of love. Their relationship stayed the same but each person changed to the point that they didn’t fit together anymore. They still loved each other but that wasn’t necessarily enough. Sometimes, all the tiny, inconsequential things just broke down until what had once been something beautiful couldn’t be put back together the same way.  _

_ So when Nate had called twenty minutes later, she’d barely been able to keep it together. (He’d come to pick her up, driving her back to his apartment. The last thing she needed was Ava walking in on this conversation, not when she was barely holding it together as it was.) _

_ Sara scrubbed at her cheeks again, voice shaking as she started to ask a question, cut herself off, and then changed her mind. Nate nudged her shoulder and she closed her eyes, unable - and unwilling - to put into words the idea that this, right here, felt like an ending.  _

_ It felt like everything she’d worked so hard for was crumbling before her eyes, the plans she’d made and the life she’d wanted collapsing as she reached out, desperately trying to salvage scraps, anything she could find. Just one smile, one laugh, one moment where she felt like nothing on earth could make her happier than the girl sitting right in front of her, golden hair tousled from sleep, eyes filled with an affection she’d barely understood, lips curved up into a smile that was just for her, leaning in closer for a kiss.  _

_ She’d spent too much of high school feeling like she didn’t know who she was, and she couldn’t go back to that, not now, not after spending the best part of four years finding out that when things went well, she could be happier than she’d even realised was possible. She didn’t have the time to start again from the beginning, she didn’t have the energy, she didn’t have the courage. _

_ “How do I fix this?” she asked desperately, accompanied by a shaky inhale, uncertain and lost and more terrified than she’d ever admit to. _

_ Nate paused for a long time, attempting to find her a solution, but coming up empty. _

_ “I don’t know,” he responded honestly, shuffling a little closer. His hand rubbed her back lightly and Sara closed her eyes, leaning into his touch, attempting to find some way to lessen the weight pressing down on her lungs. Nate must have felt her breath hitch, because he paused to gently squeeze her shoulder, an equal amount of heartbreak in his expression as hers. “Sara - I know it’s hard, but whatever happens, I need you to know that we’ll be here for you. This sucks, and I can only imagine what you’re going through, but please. Let us help you through this. That’s what friends are for.” _

  
  


* * *

Sara exhaled slowly, tipping her head back to rest it against the wall they’d sat themselves against, words barely more than a whisper in Nate’s silent apartment.. “I know how this sounds, but Nate, I - I never  _ meant _ to leave you guys behind.”

She hadn’t. She truly, truly hadn’t. She’d been running from Star City, trying to distance herself from Ava and the memories that greeted her around every corner, but she’d never been running from them.

Nate’s laugh was hollow, empty. “What, you expected us all to follow you to LA?”

Sara swallowed. 

No. She hadn’t. Except… well.

Despite it all, Sara cracked a smile, hurt temporarily obscured by the sheer ridiculousness of the suggestion, when Nate was the one suggesting it. “Truthfully? Maybe. Or at least, I assumed at some point we would all split up and go our separate ways, working in different places but making our friendships work long distance like most people do after college. I never expected me and Z to be the only ones who stayed away, and I never imagined that I’d lose you all because of it.”

“You haven’t lost us,” Nate interrupted quickly, words falling a little flat. “Things are just a little more complicated now.” He reached out to curl his fingers around hers and Sara’s stomach twisted at the motion, once so familiar but now so foreign, yet another echo of another life, a life she’d chosen to walk away from years ago. Nate sighed quietly, gaze fixed firmly on the floor. “I should have tried harder to keep in touch with you,” he admitted, sparing only a quick glance in her direction. “I was so angry at you for leaving, and frustrated that you refused to let us help you. I didn’t reach out out of stubbornness, and that wasn’t fair on you.”

“None of this was fair,” Sara responded softly, watching the leaves fall from the tree right outside Nate’s window. It was probably the alcohol, but for whatever reason, talking about this now she was the calmest she’d been in weeks. It felt a little like relief, and a little like forgiveness. “It’s not either of our faults. Life’s like that sometimes - it’s taken me a long time to accept it, but it’s true. And anyway, I isolated myself too. I couldn’t - I didn’t reach out, I just ran, thinking that maybe there was a chance this would never catch up with me.”

Nate murmured an agreement, and Sara finally glanced over to him, grateful that at least the anger which had been radiating off them both earlier had faded. She’d rarely seen Nate that frustrated before, and certainly not towards her. Not towards her, and  _ on Ava’s behalf _ . It had stung, in ways she’d never even thought to anticipate, and yet in a way, now, it was a relief to have everything they’d been holding back for five years out in the open, all of the hurt they’d caused each other on full display, rather than continually wondering where they stood. 

Because truthfully, selfishly, she’d never considered any of this from Nate’s point of view until now. She hadn’t considered this from any of the others’ point of view until now.

She’d had five years to think about this, but not once had she thought about what she’d taken from her friends by leaving. Not once had she considered that maybe, they needed her here too. Nate and Amaya had broken up since she last saw them, and she hadn’t been there, she hadn’t been able to look out for Nate the way he’d looked out for her when her relationship with Ava had started to crumble. He hadn’t even told her, initially, assuming she didn’t care - because how could she have cared, when she’d left them all to deal with this alone?

She’d assumed she’d be here, sticking around after college to explore the plans they’d made at 3am on late Friday nights in the library, to use the degree she’d spent hours, years, working towards and the subject she’d come to love to do something  _ good _ .

Now, Sara realised that the same heartbreak she’d run from when moving to LA was heartbreak she’d inflicted on her friends by leaving so suddenly. Amaya, who had been her best friend in the world. Nate, her rock through every year of college. Ray and Mick, who she’d known (with Jax) since they were kids. Wally, who she’d adored like a little brother, who was technically a year younger than all of them in age but had been accelerated in school and was so excited when they adopted him into their group of friends. How much pain and loss had her up and leaving caused all of them? 

Nate was still staring straight ahead, head tipped back against the wall as his shoulders slumped slightly in defeat, emotionally exhausted by the past few hours. Sara swallowed, attempting to alleviate the dryness in her throat. “I wanted those plans Nate. All of the plans we made. Grad school, working at the museum, doing our masters together and going on digs during the summers and driving Professor Laurens insane every semester - I  _ wanted _ that. It was just - after Ava and I broke up, I couldn’t see it anymore. I never - ” she paused, taking a shaky breath, shrugging hopelessly. “I never used to think about the future. Part of me never expected to get this far, and then somehow I ended up comfortable, content enough with life -  _ happy _ enough with life - that I slipped into making plans, slipped into coming up with ideas for the future, things I wanted to see and do and accomplish. But _ Ava _ was such a big part of me being excited about the future in a way I never had been before, because I wanted to do all of it with her right by my side. And it was all so tangled in my head that thinking about the future  _ we _ planned just made me think about the future Ava and I weren’t going to get. And fuck, Nate, I know I shouldn’t’ve run. I  _ know _ . But I couldn’t - it  _ hurt. _ And I was too desperate to make it stop to think about what else I was giving up by leaving.”

Sara let out a breath, halfway between a laugh and a sob, wiping her eyes on her sleeve. “I know I was a bitch earlier, constantly slipping up until Ava had to tell Jordan the truth. And it’s not... I  _ like _ Jordan. And I know everyone thinks I keep saying that to convince them all but I’m not talking shit. I do like her. She’s been so sweet to me. I think she’s great, and she’s perfect for Ava.”

Nate turned to face her, crossing his legs in front of him, expression soft. The sun had almost gone down outside, but neither of them had flicked on a light, eyes still adjusting to to soft blue hues coming through Nate’s window. It felt like being back in college all over again, nineteen and a half and overwhelmed by the mountains of work they could never get through, taking a break and ending up sitting on Nate’s bedroom floor with a slightly too warm beer in one hand and a weathered heart in the other, spilling their secrets to each other and the universe. Nate gently nudged her knee. “But Jordan’s not you.”

Sara resisted the urge to roll her eyes, not entirely sure she  _ wanted _ to cover up the way her heart stumbled at the suggestion. “I’m not in love with Ava anymore,” she responded, quietly, softly, carefully. “And it’s been a long time since I was, so don’t … don’t do that. Don’t make it into  _ that  _ because it’s not, not anymore. It’s just - ” she sighed, a little helpless, not entirely knowing what point she was trying to make. But Nate’s expression didn’t change into disbelief, and he squeezed her wrist lightly, waiting for her to go on. “I wanted to marry her. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, and that didn’t work out, and I had to leave behind everything we had planned, and everything I’d planned with you guys too. So coming back, and seeing her making all those plans we once had with Jordan - I resented it. I guess - if I’m being completely honest, I still  _ do _ resent it.”

Nate squeezed her wrist again, and she found herself interrupting before he had the chance to speak, the familiar urge to justify herself bubbling up from wherever it had vanished to - “I know I’m not being fair on them. Tonight - I should have been more careful.”

Nate sighed, and there was something in it that made Sara stumble, a shred of fear that maybe, after this, no one would want her around - especially not when she’d just admitted how tangled and chaotic her thoughts were right now, unstable and on the brink of collapsing. A fear that maybe she should have left when she’d had the chance, and made everyone’s lives that little bit easier. Nate frowned slightly, clearly recognising something familiar in the expression she’d forgotten to try to mask. “You’re not a bad person Sara,” he said, his voice slow and careful and deliberate. He knew her too well, even now. “You’ve made some bad decisions, sure, but you’re  _ not _ a bad person, and you’ve got to stop walking around this city as if everyone wants you gone - we don’t. We’re happy to have you back.”

His words were so earnest that Sara looked away, focusing instead on the floorboards beneath them, blinking back the seemingly unending tears. At least it was almost dark - not that Nate would have called her out on them anyway. “But Sara,” he added softly, not forcing her to look at him, but trusting she was listening. “You’ve got to stop doing things that are gonna make people want you gone. Everyone wants you back, but Jordan’s our friend. The same way you were in college, the same way Zari was, the same way Jax was. The same way we want you to be again - so long as you find a way to make this work. Because we’re not going to lose anyone else.”

That was fair. It was more than fair - it was as close as she was going to get to a second chance. (or third? Fourth? She’d been given too many already.) “Yeah,” she murmured, throat cracking slightly on the word. She swallowed. “Sure.”

She could easily get on with Jordan. Jordan had never been anything less than the kind, sweet, welcoming person Sara had first met in a grocery store looking for those ridiculous coconut and butterscotch chocolate rocky road slices, and Sara had meant it, earlier, when she’d told Nate that Jordan was perfect for Ava. They were meant for each other, and sooner or later, she was going to have to get used to it.

“To be fair to Ava,” Nate started, and Sara raised an apprehensive eyebrow. “If Amaya had broken up with me, left, and then I walked into a grocery store years later and found her standing there in front of me, I’m not sure how I would react either.”

Sara laughed, wiping her eyes on the back of her hand, and Nate nudged her shoulder with a smile. “I can’t make any promises, but I think it’ll get easier. Being here. You’ve just got to give yourself time to make Star City home again.”

“I know,” Sara responded, with a soft sigh. “That’s what everyone keeps telling me.”

“Because it’s true.”

Sara sighed again, tipping her head back against the wall. “It probably is, but it’s a little difficult to believe right now. There’s a voice in my head that knows it, but the rest of me… it hasn’t caught up.”

Nate nodded slightly in acknowledgement, but for once didn’t try to give her a logical response, instead simply saying “I guess we’ll just have to keep reminding you.”

He held out a takeout menu, smile familiar in a way that for once didn’t tug uncomfortably at Sara’s heart, and somehow, she felt it finding its way onto her face too. She didn’t know where she stood with Ava right now, or Jordan, or the rest of their group. But it would blow over, eventually - or she could go. And in the meantime, she was happy enough to sit here with Nate and ignore everything else, letting herself sink into the moment and forget about the shit she’d just stirred up between Jordan and Ava. Spending time with Nate, here, was familiar. It was a nicer apartment than the one they used to hang out in, in a nicer part of town, and it was five years later than it should have been - but for a few precious moments she was determined to savour, Star City felt like home. 


	6. i'll move back home forever (and i'll put all my pieces back together)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "And since she was sticking around, she needed something like this. Something that made Star City different from LA, gave her a reason why she should be here rather than there. When she’d told Nate she wanted to get the part of herself she left behind back, she’d meant this part too."
> 
> or
> 
> sara starts to find the pieces of star city that still feel like home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hellooooo 
> 
> new week new chapter! don't have heaps to say abt this one (we do love it tho) but do have a lil thing in the endnotes this week, so hope u enjoy this chapter and pls leave a comment to make our week a bit better :-) 
> 
> (p.s. chapter title is from mess by noah kahan)

** _September, 2019:_ **

Sara turned the paper in front of her back over, tallying up the marks and then writing a solid 84 percent in the top right hand corner. She leant back in her chair, twirling a pen around her fingers. If anyone had told her two months ago that she was going to end up here, with an actual, honest to god job offer from Star City University, she would’ve laughed and then told them they were cut off and called them a cab home.

Since she’d gotten back on the same page with Nate after the disastrous movie night just over a week ago, Nate had seemed to notice the way Sara was ambling around, a little lost in this city she didn’t know how to call home anymore. As a result, he’d dragged her to the university with him on days she wasn’t working, not giving her a choice but to hang out in the History department offices they’d once spent countless hours in as students. The offices hadn’t changed much and Sara felt a tiny spark of herself at 21 the moment she stopped foot into the warm toned, slightly musty smelling offices filled with books and artwork and vases and maps in every corner of every room. 

Sara had been a little worried that the professors would get ticked off with her just lounging around in Nate’s office, working her way through his Masters (and eventually PhD) thesis and scrolling through what courses were on offer all these years later. Instead though, the moment Professor Laurens had heard Sara Lance was in the building, she’d been in Nate’s office in a flash, barely giving Nate a glance before beaming widely at Sara and tugging her into a tight hug. 

Professor Kate Laurens had been Sara’s hero when she was 18. Laurens was in her forties - an Hispanic woman with olive skin, green eyes, golden hair with the most elegant whisps of grey and the warmest, kindest, most radiant smile Sara had ever seen. She’d travelled all over the world, had degrees in History, Classics, Archaeology, Anthropology and was one of the first people who had ever given Sara the idea that she could  _ make  _ something of herself. She had only been a professor at Star City University for a couple of years when Nate and Sara were freshmen, and was one of the youngest Professors in the History department. They’d taken to her on their first day of classes, and she seemed to spot a vibrancy in both of them that she admired, quickly offering them the opportunity to jump on board her project to restore and reopen the city’s Ancient History Museum that had been shut down almost a decade previously.

“Hi!” Sara had said with a breathless laugh at Professor Laurens’ hug, eyes snapping shut at the familiarity of her musky perfume and the twinkling sound of one of her clunky, exotic necklaces. “It’s so good to see you Professor.” 

“Sara,” said Professor Laurens with an amused smile, “honey, it’s been 5 years. I’m not your professor anymore. You can call me Kate.” 

Sara glanced at Nate and he wrinkled his nose with a shrug. “Yeah, it’s still weird for me too,” he said, “and I work with her.” 

Professor Laurens rolled her eyes. “God. You two back here. Together.” She squeezed Sara’s shoulders. “Feels like there’s something right in the world.” 

Sara ducked her head to hide her pleased smile, fiddling with the cuffs of her sleeves a little nervously. “You sure it’ll be okay with Professor Mideson if I’m just hanging around here being useless?” she said. “I’m still trying to figure out what I’m gonna do now that I’m back. It’s kinda nice being here.” 

“Well,” said Laurens, nudging Sara’s shoulder with hers, “given that Mideson retired two years ago and I was made Head of Department when he left, I don’t think anyone’s gonna give you a hard time for being here.” 

Sara’s jaw dropped and Nate and Laurens both laughed. 

“The museum gave all of us a hell of a lot of good press,” Laurens said, sliding her hands into the pockets of her checkered tweed blazer. “All of the undergrads involved got offered partial scholarships into various grad school programs and suddenly, all those stuffy old men who hated the fact that I was hired wanted to work with me on research papers.” 

Sara shook her head incredulously. “Of course they did.” 

“And when Mideson stepped down,” said Nate, “Laurens was the one the university wanted to take his place. Numbers of kids declaring History as their majors have gone way up ever since.” 

“Doesn’t surprise me,” said Sara with a warm smile. “You’re the only reason we stuck around.” 

“Until you stopped hanging around here,” Laurens said, an understanding in her eyes that let Sara know Nate had told her what happened, and how things fell apart. 

Sara nodded, pointedly not thinking about Ava, and then smiled at Laurens. “Yeah,” she said apologetically, wondering for a moment how many times she would have to have this conversation. “But if it’s alright with you, I might spend some more time back here while I try to figure out what I’m doing.”

Laurens smiled, shaking her head fondly. “Of course it’s alright, Sara. We look forward to having you back.”

  
  


Because classes were starting again, Nate was slammed with work, and everyone else’s lives seemed to pick up too as September rolled round. Most group hangouts were cancelled, postponed, or rescheduled constantly, and Sara found herself relieved because it gave her more of an excuse to avoid Ava and Jordan. Amaya and Nate had told her that everything was fine between them - Amaya had gotten coffee with them the other day, and apparently Jordan had been very easy going aboutAva and Sara having once been together, and wasn’t holding anything against either of them for not telling her. But that didn’t mean Sara wasn’t taking every opportunity to hide, taking an ever increasing number of shifts at  _ Verdant _ as the weeks went on, and spending more and more of her free time at the university. 

Which was how she’d somehow ended up with a second job. 

“All these preliminary start of semester quizzes are super helpful for figuring out where everybody stands knowledge wise,” Nate had said one Wednesday afternoon, rubbing a hand over his face tiredly, “but god, I’m not gonna lie, going through them for every damn freshman class is gonna be the death of me.” 

Sara leaned over to see what he was marking for.  _ CLAS 101: Intro to Ancient Greece.  _ She’d done that course. Passed with an A-. 

“Is there a marking scheme for the quizzes?” she asked. Nate reached across his desk and slid a stapled pile of pages her way. Sara flicked through them for a second before dragging her chair closer to Nate’s desk, taking a stack of the quizzes in front of him and stealing a pen from the sloth mug Amaya had given him in junior year. 

“What are you doing?” said Nate. 

“Helping you,” said Sara with a shrug. “I did great in this class.”

“Almost a decade ago,” Nate pointed out. 

“We had to rehash everything we learned in it for the Greek exhibit in the museum,” Sara shot back. “Plus, marking scheme Heywood. Can’t fuck it up if there’s a sheet of paper telling me what the answers are, can I?” 

Sara had just done it to help Nate out. She hadn’t expected to actually  _ enjoy  _ it, and had been even more surprised to find that no matter how long she’d been away, she still had the knack for it.

“I hadn’t realised how much I missed this,” Sara commented as Nate walked back into the office after giving the marked quizzes to his TA’s to give back to their students, and dumping another pile of papers onto his desk next to her. 

He smiled wryly. “Good, because I’ve got a whole load more I could use a hand with.” He reached for the stack she’d marked while he was away, and leafed through them, humming with a vague approval. Sara glanced over to him, watching him read.

It was satisfying, marking. Obviously this was different. It was easier than making papers - less abstract, less up for interpretation, it was more black and white and clear cut because it was a  _ test  _ with right or wrong answers, and these kids were freshmen so either they were annoying and obnoxious and knew everything already, or they were coming in blind and had pretty much zero base knowledge of Ancient Greece at all. But in senior year, Sara had found herself marking sophomore, even a couple of junior level final essays and after just how  _ much _ History had become her thing, doing this was something she was good at, something she’d studied for and knew how to do. 

It wasn’t that she didn’t like working at  _ Verdant _ , because she did. Sometimes, it was nice to do something mind numbing and instinctive - it was a good distraction. But after five years of mind numbing instinctive distraction, being here felt more productive, more satisfying. It felt like she was doing something useful with the degree she’d worked so hard to get, and she was enjoying it. Nate leant back against the desk, watching her work for a moment before pausing, grabbing a chair, and pulling it over. 

“Would you stick around?” he asked, his words slow, measured and careful. Sara looked up in confusion. 

“I am,” she reminded him. “Remember? We talked about this. I’m gonna be less of an asshole, stop winding Ava up? I mean dude, you helped move me into an apartment, I thought the sticking around was kind of a given after that.” 

“Oh shut up,” said Nate, hitting her with a ruler. “I  _ mean _ would you stick around  _ here.  _ At SCU.” 

Sara snorted. “You’re kidding right?” 

Nate shook his head. “Not a single bit. Sara - you’re good at this. You always were, but … you haven’t done any of this in  _ years  _ and you’ve fallen back into it like you never left.”

Sara rolled her eyes slightly, looking over to him. “Nate, I’m marking quizzes for an intro course. These are 17 and 18 year olds. There’s not that much brain power at work here.”

“Trust me, you’re doing a better job than some of my TAs,” said Nate. “If I could replace Trent with you, I would have about 70% less to complain about at the end of each day and would definitely drink a lot less beer at group hangouts. You’d be doing it for my health Sara.”

“You’re an idiot,” said Sara with a laugh. 

“I was talking to Laurens earlier,” Nate said. 

“You mean  _ Kate _ ?” 

“Only when she’s in the room. She said that if you want - only if you  _ do _ want, no one’s gonna be offended if you don’t - we could get you on staff somehow. It wouldn’t be much at first because there’s official channels and university paperwork and hiring protocols and stuff and obviously you haven’t been here in a long time.” 

“But I’ve only got my Bachelors,” said Sara with a disbelieving scoff. 

“I know,” said Nate. “So obviously we couldn’t give you something like a TA position, at least not right now. But like we said the other day - the museum gave us a  _ lot  _ of cred, and you were one of the leading students on that project. Your name is engraved in the wall of that place, and nobody’s forgotten that, even five years later. It’ll count for something Sara. It’d be enough to get you on as an official member of staff here. Even if it’s just some marking and odd jobs to start with.” 

“You’re serious?” Sara said in a small voice. 

Nate nodded, his eyes gentle and a little proud. “We’ve also been quietly looking for people to manage our links with the museum too, but the university said that with budget cuts, we can’t hire more than one person so we’ve been trying to find someone who could tick all our open boxes. Nobody knows the museum like you do. You’d be perfect for it.”

A job.

A real, daytime, regular sleep pattern kind of job - and one that would probably fit well around her hours at  _ Verdant _ too. And, more than that, a  _ history  _ job. This wasn’t what she’d always wanted to do - she needed at least a Masters to follow through with those plans - but it was a hell of a lot closer to the dreams she’d had for herself than making cocktails and shepherding drunk people out of the doors at 3am on a Friday evening was. 

And since she  _ was _ sticking around, she needed something like this. Something that made Star City  _ different  _ from LA, gave her a reason why she should be here rather than there. When she’d told Nate she wanted to get the part of herself she left behind back, she’d meant this part too. 

“The museum,” she asked, giving the pen she was holding one final twirl before setting it down neatly on the desk. “I’d be working there too?”

Nate gave her a look, one loaded with curiosity and Sara knew it was because he’d heard the prickle of apprehension in her voice. “Yeah,” he said. “Sometimes. We’re not entirely sure yet, it depends. But you’d probably end up in the museum pretty soon - even if it is just to help coordinate events and that kind of thing. We’re trying to find the balance between it being an educational institution partnered with the university, and something that gets used for events and tourist attractions and making the city look good, you know?” 

Sara nodded. 

“I thought the museum would be the biggest selling point,” Nate joked, and Sara halfheartedly matched his smile. “You know, since it used to be your favourite place and all.” 

It had been. It had been the first thing Sara had ever done in her life that  _ mattered.  _ A vague idea Laurens had had that she’d shared with Sara and Nate, then an exciting potential that was far too unrealistic, then eventually, an actual, tangible plan that had blossomed into a reality none of them had ever thought would come to light. Sara had spent hours upon hours there once upon a time - first helping to curate artefacts, deciding on a layout and room plans, dragging all of the other students in their honours class into this chaotic and yet oddly calming project too. And back when her life had started crumbling (when her relationship with  _ Ava  _ had started crumbling), it had been where she used to find herself spending most of her free time, using any of the work that needed doing as a distraction from everything that was going on around her.

It had been her safe haven, her oasis.

And ever since she’d gotten back, she’d avoided it.

“You haven’t been back yet?” Nate asked, surprised, but still able to read her better than most. He’d always had a knack for it, even now when there was still considerable distance between what they knew about each other.

Sara’s head snapped over to him. He gave her a look and she sighed softly. “Not yet.” 

“I thought that’d be one of the first places you visited - you know, see how it’s changed and what we’ve done and all that.”

Sara tapped her fingers against the desk in front of her, eyes subconsciously flickering up to the framed photo on Professor Laurens’ office wall, of herself with the small group of students and TAs who had poured their hearts and souls into opening the museum. Her ticket to the opening reception was tucked neatly into the corner of the frame with care and an equal amount of pride in them all. Sara sighed. “I did think about going back, a few weeks ago. Because I  _ do _ want to see it. I’d love to see it.”

Nate frowned slightly. She’d love to see it, and yet she hadn’t. It didn’t make sense in her head, let alone out loud. Sara exhaled, breath whistling through her teeth.

She hated that so much of this came back to Ava, because the museum had been something that was hers and Sara had never thought that her and Ava’s break up, no matter how messy it could be, would taint that. But their lives had been so entwined that it  _ was  _ about Ava, even if she was only on the fringes of it all. There was something jumbled about the museum having been  _ hers _ , and it having been a project Ava supported and helped with when she could, something she was so so proud of Sara for completing, even though their relationship had been slowly dismantling itself at the time. Part of Sara knew she would find those memories of Ava hiding around the pillars in the museum, just out of reach, fragments and whispers of moments she wouldn’t have to think about if she just avoided it entirely. 

It wasn’t just Ava though. When Sara first came back to Star City, she hadn’t wanted the reminder of who she could be. Of who she _had_ been, and of what she could’ve accomplished if she hadn’t run. She’d been intending on going back to bartending in LA after Jax’s funeral and was content with the life she’d chosen - and was admittedly a little scared that the museum would shake that, giving her goals and aspirations and wild career ideas that she’d written off a long time ago.

Nate was watching her, still a little confused and not following her thought process (although perhaps suspecting), but he didn’t look as if he was about to demand an explanation. He leant back in his chair, abandoning the papers he’d half heartedly thought about marking. “I’d offer to take you,” he eventually said, carefully watching her face to see her reaction. “But I think you should go on your own. When  _ you _ want to.” 

Sara swallowed, eyes flickering down to the messily scrawled quiz in front of her. “What’s it like?” she asked in barely a whisper. “Is it - is it the same?” 

Nate let a soft breath. “Yes and no,” he said, his voice a little more reverent than before. “Some of the exhibits have changed.” 

“Which ones?” 

Nate furrowed his eyebrows, thinking. “Well for one, Laurens takes a group of Honours and Masters students on an archaeological dig every summer to somewhere where she has contacts. They spend 8 weeks there helping with the dig and the agreement is that they all write a paper about it that counts towards their grade and then collaborate on something for a conference at the end of the summer. Laurens has a rotating exhibit that showcases some of the findings from the dig every year, so that changes after every summer.” 

“Did you go?” asked Sara. “On the dig?” 

“Yeah,” said Nate. He paused, a flash of honesty in his eyes that reminded Sara of the night at his apartment when they’d laid everything bare between them. “You and Ava breaking up threw us all for a loop for a while,” he said quietly. “Amaya and I were in a weird place after graduation too, and I needed to just be somewhere else and have time to breathe. I kind of got why you felt the way you did - the anger was more when you never came back.” 

“I know,” said Sara, the familiar tug of guilt appearing in her chest. 

“I know you do,” said Nate, squeezing her knee. “Laurens announced the first dig trip and I was the first person to sign up. It - it was amazing. Best summer of my life.” His smile returned and he met her eyes. “That museum has us written all over it Sara. Most of the time I’m there, I’m still filled with the same awe we both had on opening night, amazement that it’s even standing, and that  _ we _ did it. I still expect to just see the bare bones of that old, run down building the city had let fall apart before we brought it back to life.” 

An alarm on Nate’s phone beeped and he got up from his chair, reaching for the bag he’d brought in earlier. “I have a lecture to get to,” he said apologetically. 

“Hey, don’t worry about it,” said Sara, shaking her head. They could finish this conversation later - preferably in Nate’s apartment with a pizza and a few glasses of wine, or something stronger if they were feeling like it. “What class?” 

“East Asian Colonialism,” said Nate and Sara whistled, impressed. “I’ll catch you later okay? I’ll give you a ride home.” 

“You got it,” said Sara, smiling. “I’ll be here, doing your work for you.” 

Nate gave her a dry smirk, but he hovered in the doorway for just a second. “Think about the job,” he said, and Sara nodded. Not that it needed much thought, really. The job would be nice, it paid well, it was nearby and it was something she’d been wanting to do for the better part of the last ten years. 

She would have agreed to Nate’s proposition there and then, if he hadn’t already walked out of the door.

* * *

Jordan slipped into the seat opposite Sara in the almost-empty café, takeaway coffee cup in her hand. It had been a long day, and Sara wasn’t entirely sure she was ready to have whatever conversation Jordan was here for, so she looked up warily - but Jordan seemed to recognise her uncertainty and shook her head and gesturing vaguely towards her coffee. “Don’t worry, I’m not staying. I just saw you over here when I came in, and… I wanted to say something. Briefly.” She paused, fingers curling tightly around her coffee, shuffling in her seat as if she knew she this wasn’t the ideal place for her to be right now. 

This was how the first fight between Sara and Ava had started. (Although, it seemed poetic that Jordan had found her here again, afterwards, and this time she was the one asking to talk.)

Sara paused the lecture of Nate’s she’d started watching, pulling her headphones out of her ears and dumping them gracelessly on top of her keyboard, then exhaling slowly. Jordan hadn’t done anything wrong, she reminded herself, and Nate had assured her that Jordan wasn’t holding anything against her - everything was okay between Jordan and Ava, mostly. It just felt weird, sitting opposite her ex-girlfriend’s new girlfriend ( _ fiancee _ , Sara corrected mentally) and knowing that for the first time, Jordan knew details about her life before she left Star City, and probably knew all about her messy break up with Ava too. Knowing that the last time she had a conversation with Jordan, it ended with awkward, confused yet curious looks as she followed Ava out of the room, politely apologising to everyone except Sara for leaving.

Sara tilted her laptop screen down until it was almost closed so she and Jordan could at least pretend to be having a real, proper conversation, but Jordan spoke before she had the chance to. “We’re okay.”

Sara raised a skeptical eyebrow, and Jordan looked as if she was trying her hardest not to roll her eyes. “Admittedly, I can’t speak for Ava - you guys have your own issues you’re gonna have to sort out at some point - but me and you … we’re good.” The skeptical expression must have remained, because after a moment Jordan sighed, leaning back in her chair. She paused, eyeing Sara up and down. “Are you still in love with Ava?” 

“What?” Sara asked, taken by surprise. “No!” The indignance and possibly disgust in her voice must have been overwhelmingly clear because Jordan couldn’t help but actually roll her eyes a little. Sara shook her head. “God no. Of course not.” It had been years since she’d loved Ava, and even longer since they’d been  _ in love _ . Right now,  _ liked _ would have been too generous.

Tolerated, maybe. 

“Do you hate me because I’m engaged to her?” 

Sara snorted. “No. To be honest, I like you a lot more than I like Ava right now.”

Jordan’s lips twitched as she held back a smile, but her expression quickly softened. Sara exhaled, letting some of the tension she was carrying drain from her shoulders. “Then we’re good Sara,” Jordan said, equally honest. “I like you. I think you’re fun and interesting and I think we would definitely have a good time if we got drunk together.” 

Sara let out a quiet laugh. 

“And I get why you didn’t say anything,” said Jordan. “In my opinion, Ava owes you an apology for putting that on you in the first place, and I’m gonna make sure she gives you one. Just - I get the impression you’re the kind of person who runs away from situations like these, and I want you to know that I’m still in your corner.”

Sara broke eye contact for a moment to look down, not knowing how to respond. This wasn’t what she’d expected, when she’d looked up to find Jordan right in front of her wanting to have a conversation - but maybe she hadn’t been giving Jordan enough credit. Ava wouldn’t have been dating her if she wasn’t kind, determined, and fair - and as much as Ava tended to get on her nerves these days, Sara had to admit that she did still have excellent taste. Jordan cleared her throat, reaching for her hat as she stood up. 

“That’s all I wanted to say,” she smiled, pulling her hat down over her ears and picking up her coffee, her free hand squeezing Sara’s shoulder gently. Sara still didn’t have a response, but Jordan didn’t seem to need one. She smiled again, wishing Sara goodbye and making her way across the cafe, door swinging shut behind her, the little bell the owners had set up on the doorframe ringing loudly in the small cafe. Sara reached for her forgotten latte, and smiled.

* * *

  
  


** _Facebook_ ** ** _  
_ ** (Sara Lance)

**Jordan Haverstock ** sent you a friend request.    
  


You and  **Jordan Haverstock ** are now friends. 

  
  
  


** _Messenger_ ** ** _  
_ ** (Sara Lance)

Jordan Haverstock   
_ Active now _

_ FRI 8:13PM _

Sup 

  
i never would’ve pegged you as someone    
with the texting style of a frat boy jordan but    
i’ll take it

  
Oh ha-ha

  
I message you with purpose

  
sounds ominous

  
Unblock Ava

  
what??? 

  
On all the social medias you guys pettily    
kept each other from stalking after you   
broke up 

  
You’re friends now and I’ve convinced her   
to get over her shit and apologise to you   
but that also requires you guys being the   
millennials we all are and sealing the deal   
with an online friendship too 

  
oh for fuck’s sake

  
Aren’t you so glad you’re friends with me?

  
i wish i could hate you

  
I know you do ;-) 

  
  
  


** _Facebook_ ** ** _  
_ ** (Sara Lance)

**Ava Sharpe ** accepted your friend request.

  
  


** _Instagram_ ** ** _  
_ ** (@sara_lance)

You are now following  **@ava.csharpe.**

**@ava.csharpe ** is now following you.

  
  


_ Ava Sharpe _ _   
_ _   
_ ** _iMessage_ ** ** _  
_ ** (Sara Lance)   
**Friday**

_   
_ ** _8:34pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** well your fiancee is fucking impossible   
to argue with

  
** _8:36pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** You’re telling me

  
** _8:36pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** She’s reading these texts over my shoulder   
to make sure we don’t end up blocking each   
other again fyi 

  
** _8:37pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** lmao 

  
** _8:38pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** sup jordan u frat boy

  
** _8:39pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** She says hi 

  
** _8:39pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** She’s also telling me to get the stick out of   
my ass and apologise so gimme a sec

  
** _8:40pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** damn sharpe good thing ur marrying her   
otherwise i would be

  
** _8:42pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** I’m sorry about what I said to you at the bar   
the other week. And not just because Jordan   
is giving me a death glare until I apologise. I   
wasn’t fair to you at all and it really does mean   
a lot that you’ve been so good to Jordan and you   
respected me not wanting to tell her about us   
straight away. 

  
** _8:42pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** I’m not gonna pretend that a lot of the stuff I   
said the last time I saw you wasn’t true bc I   
Was mad Sara. But even with all the dumb crap   
you’ve said since you got back, that’s what we   
used to be like before we dated and I shouldn’t   
have acted like I didn’t know you were a better   
person that I was giving you credit for. I’m sorry.

  
** _8:46pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** thanks ava. i’m sorry too. for all that dumb   
crap i’ve been saying.

  
** _8:47pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** You meant a lot to me once upon a time Sara   
and I do want to be friends with you now. It’s   
just gonna take some getting used to after so   
many years.

  
** _8:48pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** yeah ditto. we’ll figure it out.

  
** _8:50pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** Jordan said that she’s proud of us for being mature   
adults about this.

  
** _8:50pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** throw something at her

  
** _8:50pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** Yeah already ahead of you.

* * *

  
  


Wednesday night was the night everybody had free. Nate’s last lecture for the day finished at 4:30pm, Zari was only on during the morning, Ray usually clocked off around 5:30pm, Amaya’s clinic closed at 5, Sara wasn’t rostered on at  _ Verdant _ , Wally had Wednesdays off, Mick finished at 3, and Ava and Jordan both made sure to clock off at 6 at the latest. It became the night that they reserved a booth at  _ Billy’s _ , that everyone made their way there by 6:30 and ordered milkshakes and coffees, and  _ Billy’s  _ had free refills of fries so there was always at least one basket on the table at all times. It was the night that some of their other friends were invited to be a part of the midweek dinner - Kendra and Carter (who had been at college with them), Leo Snart (Mick’s childhood best friend), Iris (Wally’s sister who visited Star City every other Wednesday for work), and occasionally people Sara didn’t know who were people’s friends from work. 

She’d expected the situation to make her feel uncomfortable - too many people, too much she didn’t know about their relationships and lives together, but oddly, she loved it. There was a part of her that still felt as though she was intruding in everybody else’s lives, and that they’d extended invitations to their group hangouts as a polite courtesy rather than actually  _ wanting  _ her to be a part of it. The open invitations to Wednesday nights at  _ Billy’s  _ made Sara felt less like an imposter, more comfortable being here because people came and went over the night and with each week that passed, and it gave Sara the chance to properly relax around them all.

The comfort of being able to sink into the plush leather booth seats, the rich, wafting scent of coffee and french fries, the sounds of laughter and the clinking of dishes, the regaling of stories from the first few days of work - it was the time of the week that Sara properly felt like she belonged in Star City, that rebuilding a life here was going to be worth it. 

Jordan and Wally were testing which milkshake tasted best when they dunk french fries in them. Iris and Ava were talking shop - Iris explaining an article she was working on and Ava writing down some contacts she had through work that might be able to help Iris with sources. Zari and Ray were trying to convince Amaya to adopt a dog from the clinic whose owners had moved away. Everybody else was tuning into one of the three conversations, and Sara was torn between Jordan and Wally’s experiment, and Amaya’s dog conundrum, when the door swung open and Sara caught a flash of a familiar uniform. 

A group of Star City police officers had walked into the diner, accompanied by a few plain clothes detectives with them. Most of the faces in the group were familiar. Especially one man in a dark blue shirt and a brown, corduroy jacket, a slowly receding hairline and warm, twinkling eyes as he laughed at something one of the officers had said. 

“Jake,” breathed Sara and beside her, Mick glanced over. Zari was sitting opposite and she also glanced up with a mixture of curiosity and concern. 

Jake glanced around the diner for somewhere to sit, eyes skirting over Sara at first - probably clumped into the busy group she was surrounded by - but backtracking seconds later, widening when his gaze zeroed in on her. Sara couldn’t hear him over the noise, but saw his mouth move, saw him say “Sara?” 

She stood, murmuring an apology to Amaya, Jordan and Iris as she jostled them, squeezing out of the booth. 

“Hey, you okay?” asked Jordan. 

“Yeah,” said Sara, a little breathless. “Gimme a sec.” She ducked around a waitress walking over to a neighbouring table, weaving through the groups of people until she reached Jake, who was already walking towards her and didn’t even give her a moment to say hello before he had his arms around her, hugging her tightly and cradling her head in one hand. 

Tears burned in Sara’s eyes before she could stop them. He smelt like pipe tobacco. Like the pine tree car air freshener that hung from his police cruiser. 

“The hell you doin’ here Sara?” asked Jake softly and Sara pulled away to glance up at him, quickly wiping her eyes with her sleeve. 

“I moved back,” said Sara with a slightly sheepish smile. 

“And you didn’t tell me?” said Jake with faux hurt. 

“I was still settling in,” said Sara. “I didn’t want to get your hopes up in case I decided to go back west.” She shook her head, elbowing him gently. “How are you Jake?” 

Jake smiled a little sadly. “Got promoted to captain.” 

“Good,” said Sara despite the lump in her throat. “There’s no one better.” 

Jake stroked her cheek with his thumb, something he’d done for years - Sara could remember the gentle little action from when he would come over to her house when she was a little kid to watch the game with her dad. He’d always bring something for her and Laurel,  _ always,  _ even if it was the tiniest little keychain or a bar of chocolate, and Sara had vivid memories of racing down the stairs with Laurel whenever they saw Jake’s car pull up in the driveway. 

Sara had done absolutely everything she could to tamp down those memories, even more so than the ones from college she’d desperately tried to push away when running away to LA. Of course it had hurt leaving Amaya, Nate, Ray, and all of the others. And deciding to cut Ava out of her life felt like losing a limb. But the hardest thing had been the fact that she was leaving more than just a home she’d found with them over the last four years. She was Star City born and raised - she’d spent her entire life here, and it hurt more than she could bear that breaking up with Ava had turned it into a place that didn’t feel like home anymore after it being  _ hers  _ for 21 years. 

Leaving the Star City she’d known and loved before college - the one with her neighbourhood out on the fringes of the city with the wide roads, the kids she grew up with who she’d played any and every sport with every evening after school, the Star City with her favourite ice cream bar, the one with Jake’s little gifts and the rest of Quentin’s precinct treating Sara and Laurel like they were family, the city that had caught Sara every time she thought she was going to fall up until the end of senior year of college when she’d tumbled down a hole that seemed to have no end - it  _ hurt. _

Sara knew there was a part of her that couldn’t help but resent Ava for that, for being the reason Sara had become a stranger in her own home - even though Ava hadn’t  _ meant  _ for any of this to happen. 

“I should find a table with the boys,” said Jake, “and I don’t wanna keep you from your friends.” 

Sara glanced over her shoulder. Most of her table had returned to their conversations, but at that moment, Ava just so happened to look behind her too, eyes meeting Sara’s and flickering over to Jake with both surprise and immediate recognition. Sara’s chest tightened. Ava had met Jake more times than she could count - family dinners, birthdays, baseball games, precinct potlucks. 

Amaya said something and Ava seemed to force herself back into the conversation. 

“Was that Ava?” said Jake, his voice laced with suspicion. 

Sara shifted uncomfortably. “Yeah.” 

Jake took a slight step back, glancing down at Sara with a raised eyebrow. “Wasn’t she the whole reason you high tailed out to LA?” 

“Maybe,” mumbled Sara with a shrug. 

Jake eyed her carefully. “What about the last time you were here Sara? I remember how broken you were -” 

“Jake,” interrupted Sara warningly, her voice cracking a little. “Please. Don’t.” She shoved her hands into her pockets defiantly and felt like she was eight years old, insisting to Jake that she was old enough to go trick or treating by herself, even though her Dad didn’t think so. “Look, it’s been five years since Ava and I broke up hasn’t it? And three and a half years since the last time I was here. We’re both adults. We’ve got the same friends, we’ve gotta just grow up and deal right?” 

“That’s how this whole life thing works,” said Jake with a small grin, though the suspicion was still clear in his eyes. “But if you ever feel like it’s just a bit much to be grown up and deal, you know where to find us.” 

The tightness in Sara’s chest eased a little and she leaned into Jake for a half hug. “Thank you.” 

“You better call, Lance,” said Jake before kissing the top of Sara’s head and backing towards the booth on the other corner of the room. “If not, I’m a police captain. I’ll find you.” 

Sara smirked. “I don’t doubt it.” She gave him a small wave, smiling a little wider when some of the other cops at his table waved too as Jake told them who he’d been talking to. 

  
  


** _March, 2012:_ **

_ “What if they don’t like me?” Ava asked quietly, eyes flickering over to the table Quentin and Laurel were sitting at, unable to see it all due to the large pillar obscuring her view. Sara rolled her eyes. _

_ “Of course they’ll like you Aves. You’re  _ ** _you_ ** _ .”  _

_ “You don’t have to worry about this you know,” said Ava, chewing her bottom lip anxiously. “There’s no way I’m gonna make you meet my parents. Like, ever.”  _

_ “I’m not  _ ** _making _ ** _ you meet my dad and my sister,” said Sara, leaning against the wall beside her. _

_ “I know, I know.”  _

_ “Besides,” said Sara, poking Sara’s side, “this is your fault. You lost the bet.”  _

_ Ava sent her a withering glare. “We  _ ** _both _ ** _ thought I was right.”  _

_ “And then you weren’t,” said Sara with a smirk, reaching across to gently run her fingers through Ava’s hair. She’d convinced Ava to wear it down, even though Ava felt more in control, more put together and impressionable when she had it up in that stupidly formal bun Sara had spent months making fun of the previous year. She paused, squeezing Ava’s shoulder. “Babe, if you don’t wanna do this, I’m not gonna push you.”  _

_ “I’m not backing out,” said Ava quickly. “I wanna meet your family Sara. I’ve just - I’ve never done this before. I’ve never been in a relationship, not like this.”  _

_ Sara slipped her hand into Ava’s pulling her closer and creeping up onto her toes, using her free hand to guide Ava’s face towards hers for the brief but soft, slow kiss. Ava’s grip on her hands tightened but Sara could tell some of her anxiety had faded, so she lingered for a moment longer than she’d intended before pulling away. Ava’s eyes stayed closed, her fingers tight in Sara’s.  _

_ “It’ll be fine,” Sara promised gently. “You’re  _ ** _perfect _ ** _ Aves, literally any parent’s dream for who their kid could be dating. You’re gonna be really good at this.”  _

_ “You sure?” said Ava, opening her eyes. Sara smiled confidently.  _

_ “Positive.” She held Ava’s gaze for a moment before starting to walk across the cafe, Ava following behind her.  _

_ Laurel and Quentin pretty much knew everything about Ava already, not that Ava needed to know that.  _

_ Sara went home for dinner every Sunday night - she was lucky to have her dad live in the city she had stayed in for college, and she took every opportunity to see him and soak up the home comforts she hadn’t realised she’d taken for granted until she’d moved out. Laurel was a couple of years older than Sara and had always had much bigger dreams. She’d gotten a scholarship to Columbia University and had flourished in New York, but she still came home and visited at Thanksgiving, Christmas, sometimes Easter and most summers. She’d just finished her midterms and had come home for Spring break and within five minutes of stepping foot in the house, she’d sat on the couch beside Sara and said “So. When do I get to meet your new girlfriend?”  _

_ Quentin and Laurel listened to her talk about Ava for hours - whether in person or over phone calls or Facetimes. Admittedly, these had started as venting sessions for all of her bottled up, uncalled for irritation back when she and Ava had first met and were so insistent on detesting each other. But then, gradually, Sara had been talking about Ava with a slight smile, mentioning her in anecdotes about group projects and weekend parties, then with an even bigger smile as Ava became someone Sara wanted to be around more and more. Eventually, the slightest mention of Ava Sharpe resulted in an uncharacteristic pink flush that reached the tips of Sara’s ears. It had been so bad that Laurel had stopped her in the middle of a conversation last time she’d been home from New York and grinned, eyes lighting up with pure, unbridled mirth as she exclaimed ‘Oh my god Sara, you  _ ** _like_ ** _ her!’ _

_ Sara hadn’t denied it - she hadn’t needed to.  _

_ Laurel had been the one to receive the text the minute she and Ava had kissed for the first time. Laurel had been tapped into the progression of their relationship the whole time, and had constantly pestered Sara to be able to meet Ava the next time she was in town. Quentin had been a little more subtle, letting Laurel ask all the awkward, personal, touchy-feely questions. It was always later, after they’d hung up the Facetime call with Laurel and Sara was helping him with the dishes before he gave her a ride back to her apartment, that he nudged her and asked what Ava was like, what had changed over these past months because last time he checked, Ava hadn’t been very high on Sara’s list of favourite people. _

_ Sara smiled at the memory, flashing Ava one more  _ ** _you got this _ ** _ smile before tugging her forward, weaving them around the pillar and towards the table Quentin and Laurel were at. They were at a cafe come restaurant in the middle of the city, a few blocks from Quentin’s precinct and nearby the university campus too. Sara had always wanted to come here, but it was just slightly out of the price range of a sophomore in college. (Laurel had been the one to suggest it to Quentin - she knew Sara far too well).  _

_ Sara barely got a hello out to her father and sister before Laurel was up from her seat, giving Ava a hug that knocked Sara out of the way.  _

_ “Not like I haven’t seen her since Christmas or anything,” said Sara dryly, exchanging a grin with Quentin.  _

_ “I’ve known you for 19 years,” replied Laurel immediately. “I’m more interested in meeting the girl who makes you blush every time anyone mentions her name.”  _

_ Ava glanced at Sara, eyes twinkling. “Oh really?”  _

_ “This was a terrible idea,” said Sara, sending daggers in Laurel’s direction.  _

_ “Uh huh, get over yourself,” said Laurel with an eye roll.  _

_ “Hey Ava,” said Quentin warmly. “It’s nice to meet you.”  _

_ “You too Mr Lance,” said Ava and Quentin laughed.  _

_ “Please, call me Quentin. Mr Lance makes me sound old.”  _

_ “You  _ ** _are_ ** _ old,” said Sara and Laurel at the same time.  _

_ Quentin sighed with exasperation, Ava grinned a little shyly, and Sara and Laurel both laughed. Quentin’s expression shifted to amused surprise, and before Sara had the chance to look, a hand clapped her on the shoulder. She turned, jaw dropping.  _

_ “Jake?!”  _

_ “Hey kid,” said Jake with a grin. “Hey Laurel! I haven’t seen you since Thanksgiving, get over here and give me a hug.”  _

_ Laurel did, squeezing tight as Jake gave her a warm hug.  _

_ “What are you doing here?” said Sara, seeing confusion and curiosity on Ava’s face.  _

_ “I’m on duty,” said Jake.  _

_ “No, we figured you were just in uniform for the hell of it,” snarked Sara and Jake elbowed her playfully.  _

_ “I just came in to grab something for lunch,” Jake said, ignoring her. “Your dad mentioned this morning that he was meeting you girls for lunch and I wasn’t gonna pass up my opportunity to meet this mysterious Ava you keep mentioning.” _

_ Sara flushed. God, she hoped Ava hadn’t heard that. She was pretty sure three months into a relationship was a little too soon for … whatever this conversation might turn into. _

_ “I don’t  _ ** _keep_ ** _ mentioning her,” she protested weakly, cheeks heating up when she noticed Ava listening to their conversation with a small smile, lips twitching in a way that let Sara know she wasn’t going to drop this, but was simply waiting until they were alone before she started teasing. Sara’s eyes flickered shyly over to Ava, and Laurel gave Ava a not so subtle nudge in her direction.  _

_ Jake grinned again. “So, do I get an introduction?”  _

_ “She’s barely gotten in a conversation with Dad yet!” Sara exclaimed, and she heard Quentin laugh behind her.  _

_ “Laurel and I are gonna be here all afternoon, Jake should be working,” he reasoned, rolling his eyes at his fellow cop. “Let him say hi or  _ ** _he’ll _ ** _ be here all afternoon too.” _

_ Jake smirked and Sara pointed at him warningly.  _

_ “Don’t you dare,” she warned and Jake chuckled, throwing an arm around Sara’s shoulder good naturedly.  _

_ Sara sighed, making a mental not to apologise to Ava later - she’d prepared her for meeting Laurel and Quentin, sure, but she hadn’t even  _ ** _told _ ** _ Ava about Jake yet. “Ava,” she said, running her thumb over Ava’s knuckles as a quiet  _ ** _sorry if this is a lot_ ** _ , “this is Jake. He works with my dad but he’s more like an uncle to me and Laur. He’s also a pain in the ass.”  _

_ “Hi,” said Ava, shaking Jake’s hand. “It’s nice to meet you.”  _

_ “You too sweetheart,” said Jake. “Sara’s a very lucky girl.”  _

_ “Well, she’s stuck with me,” said Ava, glancing over at Sara. “I’m very lucky too.”  _

_ Sara saw the approval flash in Jake’s eyes and something warm and affectionate settled in her chest.  _

_ “Well Quentin’s right,” said Jake, squeezing Ava’s arm. “I better get back to work. Don’t want my boss thinking I’m slacking off.” He winked at Quentin and Quentin laughed.  _

_ “Come round for dinner sometime before I leave,” said Laurel.  _

_ “Course kid,” said Jake. He glanced between Sara and Ava. “And I’m taking you two out for lunch sometime okay?”  _

_ “You got it,” said Sara. “See you soon Jake.”  _

  
  


Finally, Sara turned, headed back to her booth, back to the familiar Wednesday night chaos and the conversations that seemed just as hilarious as Sara returned to them.

“Sorry,” she said with an apologetic grimace, glancing at her spot by the window that required her clambering over Jordan, Amaya and Iris to get to. 

“Scoot Iris,” said Jordan, tugging Sara down to sit beside her. “Just chill here Sara. I need you to weigh in on this milkshake-fry experiment.” 

Sara sat, glancing up at Ava with a silent  _ is this okay _ ? Ava shrugged. “You’re the resident expert on the perfect milkshake-fry dip combination,” she said. 

“Yeah, the fact that you don’t like it makes me reconsider marrying you,” said Jordan jokingly, and Ava rolled her eyes, tossing a scrunched up napkin at Jordan from across the table. 

“Who were you talking to?” asked Jordan as she dug into the new basket of fries the waiter had brought over. 

Ava opened her mouth and Sara knew without her even getting a word out that she was about to interrupt, change subject, or maybe even bluntly tell Jordan to drop it or not to be nosy out of an instinctive defensiveness for Sara. But Sara refused to be the reason for Ava and Jordan to have another awkward conversation. She didn’t want to prove Ava right by being someone who interfered in their relationship, even unintentionally, so she immediately kicked Ava under the table to shut her up. Ava gave her an annoyed look, but Sara just glared back and turned to Jordan. 

“Old family friend,” she said easily. It was a simple enough answer that anyone who had tuned in accepted it, and the conversations dissolved back into little separate groups. Sara let out a soft exhale of relief, twirling her straw in her (or rather, Jordan’s third) milkshake. Something bumped her foot and Sara glanced under the table, immediately frowning when she saw it was Ava’s foot that had knocked hers. She looked up with an accusatory scowl, only to be a little disconcerted by the uncharacteristically gentle concern on Ava’s face. 

“What?” Sara mouthed and Ava’s eyes flickered to Jordan to ensure she was distracted by something else before leaning forward and quietly saying, “You okay?” 

Sara genuinely hadn’t expected her to care. To  _ remember  _ after all this time who Jake was and just how much he meant to Sara, to remember what seeing him again must’ve brought back. It gave her the tiniest little glimpse at the Ava she knew - the one who didn’t annoy her, who made her feel safe, the one Sara had once been so hopelessly in love with rather than the constant frustration and dislike Sara felt these days. 

And then the bitterness, the resentment, the regret and frustration and anger came rushing back in a sudden overwhelming wave of emotions and Sara curled her nails into her palms to stop herself from snapping something in front of everybody else. 

“Yeah,” she said instead. It had been three and a half years since … all of that. There was no point bringing this up now. Not when there was enough complicated shit between them. What was done was done - again, Sara wasn’t gonna become the bad guy by being a bitch to Ava all the time, even though she had more than enough reason to be. “I’m fine. It was nice to see him.” 

Either Ava caught on to the edge in Sara’s voice, or assumed that she didn’t want to talk about this in front of everybody else, and just nodded as a silent acceptance of Sara’s answer. Sara leaned back, letting everyone else's conversations wash over her and attempting to ignore the second, more subtle concerned glance Ava sent in her direction. She could be concerned now, if she wanted - Sara couldn't stop her. But she hadn't cared when it mattered, and that was enough to take away any warmth Sara had initially felt.

Two fries appeared in front of her face, one dipped in strawberry milkshake, the other in whatever monstrous chocolate concoction Wally had ordered. Jordan grinned, firmly ignoring the heated debate going on behind her and raising an eyebrow. "I need you on my side, so you better pick the right option. Wally's wrong, and he knows it."

Wally protested vaguely, and Sara laughed. He'd always had the worst taste in shakes out of the group, and she'd spent endless hours teasing him about it over the years - it seemed that some things, at least, never changed. Ava glanced at her one final time, and then returned to the conversation she'd been having before, seemingly letting them sink back into the strange, not quite friends but not quite enemies territory they'd found themselves in after making up from their fight. Sara heaved an internal sigh of relief. 

If Ava could pretend that it hadn’t happened - that moment where Sara had properly realised she had lost Ava, when the last bit of hope Sara had about everything she and Ava had once been came crumbling down, a year and a half after their relationship had ended - if Ava was going to pretend like it was nothing, Sara wasn’t going to cause herself more pain and bring it up. 

It was like she’d said to Jake. She just had to grow up and deal with it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi again! 
> 
> so like. we adore this part of writing fics - the posting while we're still writing - bc we get comments from you guys that make us super excited and motivated to write the chapter we're writing this week, and the speculation / comments you give us, we're able to use to edit + write specific stuff into upcoming chapters which is great! but over the last few weeks, we've found ourselves significantly less excited to write this fic than we were with our old hsau, and like, we don't wanna compare the two fics bc they're entirely different but it kinda seems that they're being compared a bit by some people reading so we wanted to clear something up: these fics are both, obviously, enemies to friends to lovers slow burn, but that's about all they rly have in common. in this fic, sara and ava are adults who have messy parts in each other's lives. in this fic, sara and Everyone in the group are adults who have messy parts in each other's lives. we thought it came across clearly but perhaps not - sara is not the most reliable narrator in this fic, but that's kind of supposed to be the point. we were hoping ch 5 would be indicative of that - that sara left behind her friends five years ago and that hurt hasn't just gone away. it's supposed to be messy and sad and fucked up to start, but guys, yes. we know that everybody is quite being fair on sara. it is going to lead somewhere. just trust us!!!! 
> 
> a lot of you guys have been commenting your sympathy for sara doing so absolutely sweetly and been so lovely with encouragements and support for the story even as you feel the Very Angsty Vibe of it (right now). for that, we are so so grateful and you guys are the reason we write this fic. 
> 
> but there are a few of you - not many, but a few - who have been leaving not quite as nice comments. nobody has been outwardly nasty, which we are thankful for, but please think about the way you comment things: stuff like "are y'all sure this is avalance endgame? isn't really feeling like it" or "not too sure what's going on here in regards to ships" and then replies that say "yeah makes me want to stop reading the story until it's all uploaded. i don't see how this will end up as avalance, i really don't" - i mean, guys. obviously, if that's how you feel, that's fine, but that's not really the kind of the thing we want to be reading about our own story? clearly this is going to be an avalance story, and as tagged, it's a slow burn. I've had plenty of rants of twitter bc other avalance fanfic authors seem to be getting similar comments but just to reiterate: we write this stuff for free. on top of everything else in our lives - uni, work, friends, travel, all of it. and we love doing it, and we do it for you guys, but those kind of comments don't really make us feel like anybody wants to read what we're writing. we are well aware of where our story is going. if you're doubtful, you're well in your rights to be, but don't tell us that. heaps of the comments have been so sweet in encouraging us to write more, but have kinda only been saying stuff along the lines of 'I hate how sara is being treated' or 'Ava's being such a bitch' and yeah team! We agree!! but it would also mean a lot if that stuff could be balanced with things you actually liked about the chapter, you know? 
> 
> our fics are a form of therapy for us. they're a way of projecting our emotions, processing things we've experienced, dreaming of ways it'll get better, or dealing with situations we're trapped in. the emotions in this fic are coming from a real break up and from genuine feelings of alienation, loneliness and the like. this goes for not just our fic, but other fics in this, and other fandoms as well. authors have very personal connections to their stories, but we're not getting paid for the fanfic we write. it's not a book that we can just wave off criticism bc we get a nice paycheck regardless of who likes it or not. all we get out of this is the comments from the people who read it. so if you don't have something nice to say about the fic, channel your inner 7 year old and remember not to say anything at all. I rly hate having to go on this kind of spiel and I hate being kinda bitchy and negative because overall, the interactions we get out of writing our fics are incredible and lifechanging and so so so worth it. but just a couple of slightly negative comments are the ones we remember even when we have 20 other lovely ones. so, yeah. 
> 
> well fuck this was longer than intended. lots and lots of love, thank u for reading, pls comment some things u maybe liked about this chapter sorry for the rant pls don't hate us x


	7. when your eyes catch mine I know I talk too much (give me your two lips and baby I'll shut up)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "There was something familiar in one of the voices, and Sara frowned, pushing herself up from her chair and weaving around Professor Laurens to look out her door. 
> 
> “What’s wrong?” Nate asked, but Sara ignored him, her mouth falling open a little in shock as she peered over at the group of students who had just walked past. Or, more specifically, at one particular student. A student who was strangely, disconcertingly familiar.
> 
> Her hair was different - much shorter - and she was so much taller than the last time Sara had seen her. Sara had been so used to seeing her wearing the plaid skirt and navy blazer of her school uniform, or panda pyjamas and fluffy slippers every time she babysat or stayed late after a family dinner or ended up hanging out with Oliver in the evenings, but now - God, now she looked like an adult. 
> 
> “Thea?”"
> 
> or
> 
> sara finds herself stumbling upon some old friends in new places as star city starts to properly feel like home again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello!! 
> 
> oh you are all just. fucking lovely. the amount of love and support and appreciation we received this past week from everybody after my lil moody rant was just overwhelming and beautiful and god we are so grateful. this is why we write fics!!!!! this is why we were so excited to start posting this one again!!!!!! pls continue with the lovely lovely comments because they literally bring so much light to our weeks and both of us have been a bit up and down lately. we are sending you SO much love and thanks for being so wonderful and as a thank u, here is one of our absolute favourite chapters!!! 
> 
> this chapter is honestly so close to our hearts, we're so proud of it and of sara in it. you've got some great sara/ava flashbacks as a christmas treat, and as you've all been requesting - sara finally gets some friends outside of the immediate gang. this chapter is just very soft and wholesome and full of growth (which, savour it because next chapter is just a tad angsty fyi ;-)) but we're at a rly great part of the story which we hope you'll enjoy <3 
> 
> happy holidays everybody XX 
> 
> (p.s. ch title is from shut up by greyson chance)

** _October, 2019:_ **

Sara slouched over her desk, blindly reaching for the cup of coffee she was sure had gone cold by now only for it to be just beyond her grasp. She groaned, making a grabby hands motion with her fingers. There was a quiet, amused laugh from in front of her desk, followed by the sound of the coffee cup scraping across the old, wooden desk towards Sara’s fingers. 

“Thank God,” mumbled Sara, closing her hand around the mug and expending every ounce of energy in her body to bring it up to her lips. As she’d guessed, the coffee was cold. 

“Sara,” said Nate, clearly trying to suppress his laughter. “It’s barely lunchtime. Why are you so dead? I thought Tuesday shifts at  _ Verdant _ didn’t go very late.” 

“They don’t,” said Sara, cursing as she leaned back in her chair. “I got off early. Amaya and Jordan dragged me, Zari and Nora to their stupid bootcamp at the gym because they got 25% off the yearly membership if they brought friends. You should see Zari, she was so dead she had to take the day off work.” 

“Ah,” said Nate, smirking. “You’ve got a gym hangover.” 

“I’m  _ fit _ !” Sara insisted, even as the muscles of her shoulders, arms, back, thighs, calves and abs all screamed otherwise despite the fact that all she was doing was sitting in her chair. “I go for runs. I’m a bartender - I’m on my feet for every damn shift.” 

“Yeah, but you’re not 19 anymore,” said Nate, leaning against the bookshelf with a teasing twinkle in his eye. “You’re a few years off thirty Lance. Getting old.” 

“Oh fuck off Heywood,” said Sara, throwing her ball of rubber bands at Nate, but her arm was so sore that even with Nate only a few feet away, the ball fell short and bounced before his feet. At his snort of laughter, Sara shot him a withering glare. “Shut up.” 

Nate’s smile softened a little. “It’s cool to see you and Jordan being friends because you genuinely want to be. I always thought you guys would get along really well if the whole awkward Ava thing wasn’t hanging in the middle of it all.”

“I like her,” said Sara with a shrug. “And I like it here. With this job and settling in with Z at the apartment - I did consider going back to L.A, ‘cause it was all weird for a while and I wasn’t sure if it would smooth over. But now it feels more right.” 

“Just had to give it some time,” said Nate and Sara nodded. 

“Yeah.” She pushed some of the papers she’d been marking towards him. “Speaking of time. Do these kids spend  _ any  _ on their papers? Like seriously. We weren’t this stupid, were we?” 

There was a loud laugh from the doorway and Sara glanced up to see Professor Laurens hovering by the front of the office with a wide grin. “You had your moments,” she said warmly and Sara huffed, Nate letting out an indignant “Hey!” 

“Those papers going okay Sara?” asked Laurens. 

“I only half paid attention to this course in junior year,” Sara admitted, “so it’s not really as easy as some others, but I think it’s alright. I’ll run it by you to moderate them before handing them out.” 

Before Laurens could reply, there was a loud burst of chatter as the door to the staircase opened and a large group of sophomores came flooding through the hallway towards the reception desk. Laurens grimaced with annoyance as she was jostled a little further into the office. 

“Results day?” asked Nate. 

“For midterms, yeah,” said Laurens, sliding her hands into the back pockets of her jeans. “There’ll be students in and out of the department all day, so be prepared.” 

“It’s fine, I’ll run away to the museum after lunch,” said Sara. “I need to finally go and fill out the paperwork for that part of this job.” 

“Well, I doubt you’ll be running  _ anywhere  _ this week with the state you’re in,” joked Nate and Sara flipped him off. 

“Hey,” said Laurens warningly, “students. Professionalism. Remember.” 

“Sorry,” Nate and Sara responded in unison, and Laurens seemed unable to help the smile she cracked. 

“God. Nine years and you guys haven’t changed a bit since you first stepped into this department.” 

Nate looked over to her with a cocky, charismatic grin - the kind that had probably gotten him a job here in the first place, and Sara smiled too, racking her brain for a witty comeback that didn’t let on quite how grateful she was to have a place like this where she had history, but  _ her _ history, rather than anyone else’s. But before she could answer, another group of younger students walked past the office, talking and laughing loud enough that Sara could catch snippets of their conversations - 

“I swear I failed that paper.” 

“Jason asked me out last night but he was so drunk I don’t know if he remembers it today!” 

“God, Thanksgiving break cannot come soon enough.” 

“I totally forgot my Philosophy essay was due tomorrow - I haven’t even started - ” 

There was something familiar in one of the voices, and Sara frowned, pushing herself up from her chair and weaving around Professor Laurens to look out her door. 

“What’s wrong?” Nate asked, but Sara ignored him, her mouth falling open a little in shock as she peered over at the group of students who had just walked past. Or, more specifically, at one particular student. A student who was strangely, disconcertingly familiar.

Her hair was different - much shorter - and she was so much taller than the last time Sara had seen her. Sara had been so used to seeing her wearing the plaid skirt and navy blazer of her school uniform, or panda pyjamas and fluffy slippers every time she babysat or stayed late after a family dinner or ended up hanging out with Oliver in the evenings, but now - God, now she looked like an  _ adult.  _

“Thea?” 

The girl stopped, turning at the sound of her name, eyes widening in astonishment when realised who had called it. “Sara?” She grinned brightly, already making her way down the corridor. “Oh my  _ god _ !” 

Sara had barely taken a step forward before Thea flew at her, embracing her with a hug so emphatic that Sara stumbled a little with a breathless, incredulous laugh. “Holy shit. Hey Speedy.” She felt Thea’s quiet chuckle, muffled by her shoulder, and her arms tightened a little. 

“Nobody’s called me that in years,” Thea said quietly, voice still filled with a fond, wistful excitement Sara hadn’t even realised she’d missed. “Not even Ollie.” 

Sara pulled back, shaking her head. “Well you’re always Speedy to me,” she laughed gently, fluffing Thea’s hair. Thea gave her a reproachful look, but couldn’t maintain it, instead breaking into a smile, which Sara couldn’t help but return. “Look at you. Look at this  _ hair.  _ And you’re tall - when the hell did that happen? Last time I saw you kid, I still had a few inches on you.” 

“Senior year was revolutionary,” grinned Thea, and Sara laughed again. Thea’s eyes flickered over her, and then back towards the office she’d come out of. “What are you even doing here?” 

Sara shrugged, a little colour rising to her cheeks. To be completely honest, it hadn’t occurred to her that Thea might be here. It made sense - after losing her father years ago, she’d always been close to her mom, and that closeness must surely have grown now Oliver was off travelling the world. But even so, Sara had expected her to be off at a fancy Ivy League University rather than sticking around at home - so she’d never even considered reaching out to the Queens since coming back. She awkwardly shoved her hands into her back pockets, and pulled out the university staff key card she still hadn’t bought a lanyard for. “I uh … I work here?” 

Thea’s jaw dropped, and she slapped Sara’s arm. “I’m sorry, you  _ what _ ?” She shook her head in disbelief. “You work at SCU? Since when? Don’t you live in LA?” 

Sara leaned back against the office doorway, fiddling with her keycard, bracing herself for yet another conversation she should have had earlier. “I… I kinda moved back.” 

She saw the moment Thea processed her words in her face - her initial disbelief morphing into confusion, then acceptance, and then back to confusion as she tried to work out how she missed something as big as this.

“When the hell did this happen?” she asked, giving up on trying to work things out for herself. Sara sighed.

“August.”

Thea frowned at her for a moment, attempting to do some mental calculations before clearly coming to the right conclusion, recognition flickering in her eyes. She swallowed, voice fading to something softer, more concerned. “When Jax …?” 

Even now, there was a tightness in Sara’s chest at the mention of his name. She exhaled, glancing over to Nate as he slipped out of the office. He turned, mouthing something about a lecture from behind Thea’s back and then giving her an encouraging smile, clearly having heard the conversation as he walked past. “Yeah,” she responded quietly, not knowing what else to add. When Jax  _ died _ , Thea hadn’t finished, but the word hung between them all the same. When Jax had come back home from his second tour in a coffin. When Jax had somehow, unwittingly, managed to bring them all back together. Sara swallowed the lump in her throat, looking back over to Thea. “You heard?” 

Thea slid her hands into her back pockets. “Star City’s not that big at the end of the day,” she said softly, and Sara nodded.

“I haven’t exactly been hiding away though,” she commented, nudging Thea’s shoulder. “I’ve posted shit on Instagram. I’ve been working at  _ Verdant _ , and hanging out here for ages. What’s your excuse?” 

Thea broke into a sheepish smile. “My grades slipped last year, so my friends and I made a pact to make it through the semester without any social media to get our GPAs back up. If you had some kind of grand ‘_I’m back in Star City’ _announcement, I missed it.” 

Sara snorted. “You? Going 12 weeks without posting a single thing on Instagram? That I’d pay money to see.” 

“Fuck off!” Thea responded, flushing. “I’m not 13 anymore okay?” 

She was joking, but Sara paused anyway. Thea tucked a strand of short, darker brown hair back behind her ear, and a pang of something unnamable made Sara’s chest ache. “Yeah,” she said with a small smile. “That I can see.” 

There was so much she wanted to say. So much she wanted to talk to Thea about, so much to catch up on - and she could tell from the look on Thea’s face that she was thinking the same thing. Sara sighed, glancing over her desk through the open office door, trying to measure the height of the stack of papers on it that needed marking. Thea opened her mouth to speak, but stopped when one of her friends called to her down the corridor - “Thea! We’ve got class, we should go!” 

Thea turned back to Sara, an apologetic look on her face. “I should -” 

“Hey, no, go,” said Sara, reaching out to lightly squeeze Thea’s arm. “Since I work here, I’m pretty sure I should encourage you to go to class.” Thea laughed, bright and lighthearted and exactly as Sara remembered, no matter how much time had passed. “But this is my office - and now you know I’m here, I better see you back soon okay? I’ll take you out to coffee.” 

Thea nodded, tugging Sara back into a tight hug. “I’m glad you’re back, she murmured quietly, and Sara swallowed the lump that had returned yet again to her throat.

“Yeah,” she agreed, pulling Thea close and finding herself surprised at how truthful she was when she softly added, “I’m glad I’m back too.” 

* * *

  
  


** _December, 2011:_ **

_ It had been an accident that Ava ended up spending her evening babysitting Thea alongside her, but Sara had still expected it to go smoothly. Ava was good with kids, and she knew Thea well enough by now that it wouldn’t feel strange. They had an assignment due the next morning that they’d both neglected for far too long, and their goal to finish it in the morning hadn’t gone to plan. It wasn’t difficult - just time consuming, especially now half of their time was being spent feilding off questions from Thea, who was insisting it wasn’t her bedtime yet. _

_ Sara loved Thea like a sister, she truly did. But there were only so many questions a curious, perceptive ten year old could ask in an hour before things got out of hand, and Sara was fairly sure they were teetering dangerously close to the limit.  _

_ Ava nudged Sara’s foot with her own to catch her attention, leaning across the table to point at a source from Sara’s notes, tucking her hair back behind her ear when it slipped loose. She asked a mundane question about the specifics of their assignment, and Sara only realised she wasn’t paying attention halfway through. Well, at least, she wasn’t paying attention to what Ava was  _ ** _saying_ ** _ \- she was too busy watching her speak, lips curling around the letters as her words formed, hands vaguely gesturing towards the powerpoint presentation they were attempting to put together. Ava’s cheeks were a little more flushed than usual, probably down to a combination of the Queens’ heating being turned up too high, and her having chosen not to wear a t-shirt under her sweater when she’d put it on this morning and consequently refusing to take it off. _

_ Which was fair, but Sara had had to bite her tongue and fight to keep her expression neutral to avoid saying something stupid, along the lines of ‘I can take it off for you.’ There was a time and place for flirting with Ava, and this wasn’t it. _

_ Ava bit her lip, deep in thought, and then looked over to Sara for an answer. Sara stumbled over her words, then swallowed whatever it was bubbling inside of her and took a sip of her drink. Now would be a good time to admit she hadn’t been listening, but then Ava would inevitably ask why, a tiny, teasing smile creeping across her lips matched by a twinkle in her eyes as if she  _ ** _knew,_ ** _ and Sara would lose the ability to speak all over again.  _

_ She was almost entirely certain Ava knew what she was doing. She must do - Sara had spent the last few weeks barely able to hide her reaction to Ava’s words, and her occasional, absentminded touch, and the way she would smile in that gentle, tentative, affectionate way when she caught Sara’s eyes before looking away, pale eyelashes brushing against her ever so slightly flushed cheeks as she shifted her gaze somewhere else, anywhere else. Whatever this was, existing unspoken between them, it was growing. And Sara didn’t want to fight it - she just couldn’t deal with it  _ ** _now_ ** _ . _

_ With the perfect timing to save her from admitting something stupid Thea spun around to face them both, swinging her legs over the arm of the couch with far too much energy for a ten year old who was up past her bedtime. Her eyes narrowed perceptively as she looked between them. “Are you guys  _ ** _dating_ ** _ ?” _

_ Ava choked on her drink, and Sara could feel a familiar heat creeping up her neck. She knew without looking that their cheeks would be matching shades of red, and she could see the tips of Ava’s ears burning out of the corner of her eye. She kept her eyes firmly on Thea, hopefully rolling her eyes casually enough to fool a ten year old. “No. We’re not.”  _

_ Her eyes flickered over to Ava for a split second, and the hesitant, quiet lack of denial in her expression made Sara pause. (They weren’t dating  _ ** _yet_ ** _ . But… Sara’s heart skipped a beat and she bit her lip to hide her smile.  _

_ This was a conversation for later. Much, much later.) _

_ She tilted her head towards the movie playing on the TV, hoping Thea’s attention would switch as quickly as it usually seemed to. “Are you still watching that?” Thea’s eyes narrowed suspiciously, and Sara sighed, not risking a glance in Ava’s direction in case her cheeks decided to heat up again of their own accord. She could do damage control later, so long as Thea gave up this line of questioning instead of pushing it further. “Because if not it’s well past bedtime.” _

_ “You said I could stay up till it finished!” Thea argued immediately, and Sara raised a pointed eyebrow. It was a good thing Thea liked her. She’d babysat her for years now, and although Thea was still clearly bursting with questions, at the threat of bed she sank back into the couch with a demure smile, as if she knew exactly what was going on. “Yes, I’m still watching.”  _

_ Sara silently sighed in relief, hoping that Thea would drop her questioning for the rest of the evening, or at least save everything she seemed to want to ask until Ava was out of earshot. Ava’s foot nudged hers under the table and she looked over to her, immediately noticing the way Ava’s lips still twitched, clearly finding the situation more amusing than anything else. ‘I’m so sorry,’ Sara mouthed, and Ava stifled a laugh, ducking her head down to hide her smile. Sara’s heart stuttered in her chest and she attempted to go back to the notes she was supposed to be making, even less focused than she had been earlier. Her eyes skipped over the words on the page, and then instinctively flickered back up when she felt Ava’s gaze on her, watching her with a careful, gentle curiosity. Ava wanted this too. She could feel it in the air, an invisible thread tying them together, looping around them both and then slowly, gently easing them in each others’ direction.  _

_ They could talk about it tomorrow, maybe. Or just… later.  _

_ Some time when they didn’t have a curious ten year old matchmaker sitting a few meters away, not quite believing the answer she’d just been given. _

_ Sara sank down into the couch, pulling her knees up and tucking her toes under Ava’s thigh, groaning as she ran one hand through her hair. Thea was finally in bed, although not without asking twice more about her and Ava’s relationship status, and then suggesting places Sara could take her on dates once Ava  _ ** _was_ ** _ her girlfriend. At least she’d waited until they were in her bedroom, far out of Ava’s earshot, before landing that one on her. She wasn’t sure how much clearer she could be, or whether she even had a chance of changing Thea’s mind. _

_ She wasn’t sure she wanted to. _

_ Sara glanced over to Ava, who’d moved from the table to the couch whilst she’d been upstairs, and was now watching her with a the same amused expression she’d had earlier. “I’m so sorry,” she murmured, some tangle of awkward embarrassment and flustered apprehension tangling together. Bringing Ava had seemed like such a good idea a few hours ago, but Sara was desperately hoping that Thea’s continual questioning hadn’t made things awkward between them – not right now, when they were so, so close to falling from friends into something else, something better, Sara barely dared to anticipate. _

_ Ava smirked, nudging Sara’s leg with her toe. “It’s okay. She’s cute.” Ava paused, and Sara could have sworn her eyes drifted down to her lips for a split second before she caught herself, and forced her gaze away. “And so are you, when you’re embarrassed.” _

_ Sara flushed slightly, and looked away, half-heartedly arguing “I wasn’t embarrassed!” but not even convincing herself, let alone Ava. _

_ Ava hummed thoughtfully, the twinkle that had been in her eyes earlier reappearing, unfairly distracting when Sara was trying so hard to keep her focus on the conversation at hand, rather than losing herself in Ava’s eyes like she so desperately wanted to. Ava’s lips twitched. “Okay, not embarrassed. Flustered.” _

_ Sara’s bottom lip caught in her teeth as she tried to hold back her smile, but there was no need – Ava could always see right through her, and right now was no exception. Her heart was on her sleeve and she had no way of hiding it, but the more she thought about it, the more she realized she didn’t  _ ** _want_ ** _ to hide it any longer. She didn’t want to hide the way her stomach flipped when Ava’s fingers brushed against the skin her t-shirt was showing, she didn’t want to keep pretending to be unaffected by the glances Ava sent in her direction or the softness of her words or the warm, enticing curve of her lips when she smiled. _

_ She knew where this was going. _

_ Ava undoubtedly knew where this was headed too, if the look in her eyes was anything to go by. _

_ Ava’s smile softened further, her words hushed as she voiced the thought they were both thinking, but Sara had been too hesitant to say out loud. “She’s not that far off though, is she?” _

_ The question had been hanging in the air all evening, but hearing it made Sara’s breath catch in her throat, heart beating loud enough she was certain Ava could hear it. It was true. Thea  _ ** _wasn’t_ ** _ that far off – they weren’t dating, not yet, but… Ava’s tongue slipped out to wet her lips, and Sara lost her train of thought entirely, the butterflies she seemed to have swallowed making a sudden, not entirely unwelcome reappearance. She bit down on her smile, leaning forward slightly, curling her legs underneath her, and Ava paused. _

_ Sara didn’t remember moving – maybe Ava had – but somehow without her noticing how they got there Ava’s lips were inches from hers, close enough that if she leant forwards just a little, if she reached out, curling her fingers into Ava’s sweater and tugging her closer, if she closed her eyes and let herself fall… _

_ She exhaled slowly, heart lodged firmly in her throat, Ava’s breath warm as it gently drifted across her lips and set off nerve endings she hadn’t even known existed until now. Until now, Sara would have laughed if anyone she knew had told her that  _ ** _this_ ** _ was what she could have, if she and Ava both decided to give this a real, honest chance. She wasn’t even kissing Ava yet, and she could already feel the sparks flying between them, an invisible current drawing them closer, and closer, and closer. The nerves that had been twisting her stomach into knots earlier seemed to fade into the background, a breathtaking apprehension taking their place. _

_ The next few seconds seemed to last for an age. _

_ Ava’s eyes met hers for the briefest moment before flickering back down to her lips, leaning closer still. Sara reached out, her knuckles brushing lightly against Ava’s cheekbone as she tucked a stray strand of hair back behind her ear, fingers lingering for a little too long before trailing down Ava’s jaw, and dropping back down to her lap. _

_ Ava’s breath audibly hitched, and Sara’s heard hers do the same. She swallowed, closing her eyes, one hand lightly resting against Ava’s forearm. “We can’t,” she murmured softly, quiet and apologetic but met only with understanding. “Not right now. Not when Thea’s upstairs.” _

_ Ava pulled back a little, hand resting on top of Sara’s and then slipping it off her arm, tangling their fingers together instead. Her thumb traced a light circle across the back of Sara’s hand and she nodded slightly, still looking lost in the moment, and Sara was a little relieved to find she wasn’t the only one struggling to drag herself back into the present. Ava’s gaze remained fixed on their intertwined fingers until she seemed to have caught her breath, looking up with a shy, yet excited smile that somehow captured exactly how Sara was feeling. Ava laughed softly, unexpectedly, nodding in agreement. _

_ “We should probably finish this assignment then, huh?” _

_ Sara smiled, keeping hold of Ava’s fingers, making no move to shift from her position. They should. They really, really should. But they had the rest of the evening to do it in, and they were only a few slides away from finishing the powerpoint they’d started, so she let herself linger, not wanting to let go of the moment they’d been having until she had to. Ava exhaled slowly, seeming to know exactly what she was thinking without Sara having to say a word. “In a few minutes?” she murmured softly, barely audible in the silent room. _

_ Sara bit her lip, emotions she had no hope of ever naming flooding through her, and she squeezed Ava’s hand. “Yeah,” she agreed, quiet and soft and filled with an unrestrainable adoration. They’d do it in a bit.  _

_ For now, she was content to sit here, legs and fingers and heart tangled with Ava’s, making a mental note of every single detail she didn’t want to forget, basking in the warmth that came from knowing that Ava undoubtedly, undeniably wanted this too. _

_ Ava slung her bag over her shoulder, and Sara did the same. The Queens had insisted on paying them both, as always, despite Sara insisting that they’d both had a good evening and they’d finished their assignment and the last thing on either of their minds was getting paid. But Moira hadn’t taken no for an answer, shaking her head and insisting that no, they were both students and they could do with some extra cash, and besides - they might find something worthwhile to do with it. If Sara hadn’t known better, she would’ve sworn Moira had glanced between them after she spoke, a small, amused smile on her lips as if she knew something they didn’t.  _

_ As if she could see something hanging between them, and was silently wondering whether she’d read the situation correctly. _

_ Sara didn’t give her long to think though, making small talk for as short a time as she could before she and Ava made their way over to the door. Her mind wasn’t in the right place for a long chat about university, or about Laurel and her father. She’d much rather be walking home with Ava, the crisp December air making them both shiver and move closer to each other, fingers lightly brushing against each others’ like they did in all the cheesy, over-rated festive rom-coms she and Ava had spent the weekend before curled up in her bed watching.  _

_ She wanted to see Ava walking along beside her, bundled up in a woolen hat with her favourite scarf curled tightly around her neck and that soft, familiar smile that let Sara know there was nowhere else in the world she’d rather be than right here beside her. She wanted to see Ava’s cheeks flushed from the cold, nose a little pinker than usual, gaze drifting away from hers the second their eyes met because even though it had been hours since the moment they’d shared on the couch, they could both still remember it in perfect detail - skin burning everywhere it touched, lips enticing and impossible to ignore, breath mixing and hearts pounding and both of them wanting more, more of this, more of each other, whatever they were willing to share.  _

_ Sara wanted  _ ** _Ava_ ** _ , wanted to spend as much time with her as possible, wanted to lose herself like she had earlier as she listened to Ava talk and watched the miniscule shifts in her expression and the subtle hints she seemed to be subconsciously slipping into every sentence, hints that she wanted this just as much as Sara did. She didn’t want this evening to end without at least a little  _ ** _more_ ** _ . _

_ (The walk back was everything she wanted, but they ended up outside her front door far too soon, and suddenly, she didn’t know how to say goodbye.) _

_ “Thanks for coming, tonight,” she attempted, but it wasn’t enough. It was too formal, as if Ava had accompanied her to an event at college rather than spending her evening hanging out with her and the ten year old who was the closest thing to a little sister as she had. It didn’t feel right, and it wasn’t what Sara wanted to be saying, but she carried on anyway. “And… sorry again if Thea made things awkward.” _

_ Ava rolled her eyes, shaking her head fondly. “I meant it when I said it was fine,” she promised, and even in the semi-darkness Sara could tell she was sincere. It was more than fine. The moment Thea had asked if they were together Sara had felt as if the rug had been pulled out from under her feet, exposing every thought to Ava despite her having tried so hard to keep these feelings at bay - but then again, a few hours ago she hadn’t yet seen the look in Ava’s eyes as they sat on the couch, inches apart, trying as hard as they could to resist the current pulling them together despite neither of them wanting to.  _

_ She hadn’t known for certain that this was what they both wanted, and she’d barely been able to imagine the possibilities. _

_ Sara bit her lip, holding Ava’s gaze and watching her smile slowly soften, the invitation it held beautiful and tempting and deliberate. She took a step forward, and Ava subconsciously matched her movements. Ava hadn’t let go of her hand since their fingers had found each other on the walk home, and Sara lightly brushed her thumb across Ava’s knuckles. She’d never been one for hyperbole, but she could have sworn her heart was slowly melting, the overwhelming feelings she already had for Ava spilling out into the space around them.  _

_ “She’ll probably ask again next time you see her,” Ava murmured, quiet enough that her words could have been carried off by the wind. Sara laughed softly, ducking her head down, hoping her scarf would hide the blush spreading across her cheeks for the fourteenth time that evening. Ava’s hand gave hers a light squeeze, and she joked “she doesn’t seem like the kind of kid who lets these things go.” _

_ “She’s a nightmare,” Sara agreed, unable to stop her smile from curling up to match Ava’s. That sparkle from earlier had returned to Ava’s eyes, inexplicably even brighter than before, despite the only light coming from a few street lights a little way down the road. Sara glanced down, unable to keep her gaze off of her and Ava’s tangled fingers, for once not matched by whatever it was she was feeling. She couldn’t name this if she tried, but it was familiar. It was the same feeling Ava always seemed to invoke in her, but amplified ten times over, bubbling up and catching in her throat, heart fluttering in response. It was usually complicated, but for the first time, that feeling was crystal clear. The haze that often enveloped her and Ava’s relationship was gone, all uncertainty tossed out of the window enabling them both to focus on each other with such intense clarity that it took Sara’s breath away over and over again. _

_ Two fingers caught underneath Sara’s chin and gently tilted it up and Sara blinked, closer to Ava than she had expected, Ava’s warm breath against her skin making it almost impossible to keep herself in the moment rather than letting her thoughts drift back to earlier that evening. Ava trailed one finger across her jaw and Sara’s eyes fluttered shut for a split second. Her voice was softer than Sara had ever heard it before, her heart laid open between them, a little breathless and a little shy but asking the most beautiful question Sara had ever heard. “Next time… what do you want to tell her?” _

_ Minutes could have passed, or even hours. _

_ Sara’s heart skipped a beat and then tripped over itself as it attempted to catch up. _

_Earlier, it hadn’t been the right time. And before then… she didn’t know. They’d both stopped fighting this a while ago, but neither of them had been willing to let the shred of control they were clinging to slip through their fingers, until tonight. Right now it didn’t seem to matter. Because Ava was here_ _in front of her, cheeks turning pinker by the second in a way that was impossible to explain away, lips warm and inviting, daring her to move, to close the gap between them, to let them have what they both knew they were waiting for. _

_ A lock of Ava’s hair slipped out from behind her ear before Sara caught it and tucked it away, fingers curling into the shorter hair at the nape of her neck, warmer than they could have been but still sending a shiver of anticipation down Ava’s spine. Sara crept up onto her toes, forgetting how to breathe, the nerves fluttering in her stomach not enough to make her pause because the moment she leaned forward to brush her lips against Ava’s every thought was drowned out, nothing in the world mattering more than Ava, Ava, Ava.  _

_ If someone had asked her later to describe it, she wouldn’t have known what to say.  _

_ Kissing Ava was -  _

_ It was incomparable.  _

_ It was exactly what she’d been waiting for, and so much more. It was a million memories tangled up in one, it was her chest loosening in a way she could never explain, it was relief and want and warmth and wonder, all coherent thought vanishing in the blink of an eye. _

_ And it was brief; chaste in the most perfect way, both of them pulling away at the same moment with a tentative excitement in their eyes. Ava’s teeth caught her lower lip and Sara restrained a breathless, frustrated huff of air, eyes flickering up to the sky before she let herself meet Ava’s, crystal blue and sparkling with anticipation, brimming with an overwhelming affection that made Sara instinctively lean to close the gap between them again. Ava’s hand slipped up from it’s position on Sara’s waist so she could curl her fingers into Sara’s oversized woolen jumper, and Sara’s breath left her in a rush. _

_ The first kiss had been perfect, but she wanted  _ ** _more_ ** _ .  _

_ She wanted Ava, wanted to kiss her until neither of them could breathe, wanted to lose herself right here, right now, focus split only between Ava’s touch and her lips, mind too fuzzy to focus on anything else. She wanted to make sure Ava knew that she  _ ** _wanted_ ** _ this, that everything they could both feel hanging between them was within their reach. And if the look Ava was giving her was anything to go by, Ava wanted this too. Ava wanted  _ ** _her_ ** _ too. _

_ They were close enough that Sara knew Ava could feel her breath against her cheek when she murmured “yeah?” half question, half acknowledgement, but it was still satisfying to watch the way Ava’s eyes fluttered shut as she nodded, before murmuring a quiet, breathy agreement. Sara’s lips twitched slightly, but Ava leaned forward to kiss the beginnings of a smirk off of her face, and Sara instantly forgot what it was she’d been smug about in the first place.  _

_ She’d kissed a lot of people. Hell, she’d even kissed a lot of people she had feelings for - strong, intense, burning feelings, at the time. She knew what she was doing, and most of the time she had the confidence to admit that she was good at it. But Ava… _

_ When she thought back, the more she tried to describe this, the worse her explanation became. She could blame it on the emotions involved if she wanted. She could claim that the anticipation that had been building all evening had lit a spark inside of them both, and that this had been coming for a long time, too long for either of them to hold back now they had the chance - and she wouldn’t have been wrong. But even so, it was  _ ** _more_ ** _ than that. There was something about this, something about her, and Ava, and her and Ava - it felt right in a way that was impossible to pinpoint - she’d never experienced before. _

_ Ava’s teeth lightly grazed Sara’s lip and Sara shuddered, pushing back a little harder than she had been before. At some point, Sara felt Ava gasp as her back hit the front door, using Sara’s sweater to pull her even closer until they were both pressed up against it. Ava’s lips curled up into a slight smile, and Sara felt it, unable to stop her breath catching in her throat. Fuck. It was almost midnight on a Sunday night and she knew Ava had to get up early the next morning, but… _

_ Sara slipped one hand under Ava’s sweater, breath catching yet again when her fingers met warm skin instead of the t-shirt she’d expected - the t-shirt she  _ ** _shouldn’t_ ** _ have expected, because Ava had already told her she didn’t have one on, back when she was joking around at the Queens, reminding Sara that although she might enjoy it, babysitting in just jeans and a bra was generally frowned upon. Sara’s cheeks had flushed, just as they were now, but it was worth it for the noise that Ava let out, as if she was half considering letting Sara drag her inside right now, sneaking past Ray and Zari and moving this to her room, where it wouldn’t matter how far Sara’s hands made it up her top because it would be warm, and they’d be overdressed, and it’d be about time they lost a few of the layers between them. _

_ Ava’s free hand came up to cup Sara’s cheek, angling her head so she could deepen the kiss - not that it needed deepening. Sara’s chest tightened, she was falling too hard, too fast - _

_ \- and then she was falling, stumbling against Ava as the door swung open behind them, Zari’s raised eyebrows making her cheeks burn as Ava attempted to regain her footing whilst simultaneously attempting to make herself look slightly more presentable, as though she hadn’t just spent the last … however long … making out with Ava Sharpe against her front door. _

_ Zari’s shock faded quickly, an alarmingly large smile creeping across her cheeks before Sara had the chance to stop it. Sara glanced over to Ava as she straightened her sweatshirt, but Ray cleared his throat before she could let herself get distracted (...again). He stumbled a little over his words as though he didn’t know whether to acknowledge the situation in front of him or not. “We’re getting milkshakes,” he offered as an explanation, not that he was the one who had explaining to do. Sara nodded, keeping her eyes off of Ava. Or… trying to.  _

_ (Zari’s expression told her everything she needed to know, eyes sparkling with a different excitement to Ava’s, desperate for information she couldn’t have until later but knowing that she could drag this out as long as she wanted, because no matter how cool Sara played it, it was far too late to hide.) _

_ Zari was still grinning as she demurely asked whether they’d like anything, but the whole exchange passed in a blur of words Sara wasn’t listening to and laughter Zari couldn’t contain and eyebrow raises she didn’t want to think about, and before Sara had wrapped her head around the situation she was going to have to deal with later Zari, Ray and Nate had set off down the road, leaving her and Ava standing agape in front of the door, back where they started. _

_ “Use protection!” Zari yelled back to them, and Sara rolled her eyes to the sky, flipping Zari off. _

_ She ran one hand over her face. “I am so sorry,” she apologised to Ava, the awkward, mildly embarrassed blush from earlier still not faded. Ava laughed softly. _

_ “At least we don’t have to find a way to tell them?” she attempted to argue, not sounding fully convinced, and it was Sara’s turn to laugh. She took a step closer, glancing up to meet Ava’s eyes, more than a little tempted to pick up right where they left off.  _

_ “Sara,” Ava said softly, reaching out to catch her hand, sounding - if Sara had to name it - disappointed. Maybe a little apologetic. “I should go.” _

_ Sara nodded, letting Ava tangle their fingers together as she took a step closer rather than stepping away. Ava’s eyes flickered down to her lips, but before Sara had the chance to process it Ava met her eyes again, the affection from earlier returning, but not without the apprehension which had accompanied it. Sara traced over the pad of Ava’s thumb with her own, and Ava smiled. “Can I take you on a date sometime?”  _

_ Without meaning to Sara found lips curling up to match Ava’s smile, eyes crinkling at the corners as she nodded. She crept up onto her toes to press one last kiss to Ava’s lips, and Ava laughed softly. “I’ll take that as a yes?” she grinned, and Sara nodded. _

_ “Yeah,” she agreed, giving Ava’s hand one final squeeze before letting go. This night still didn’t feel entirely real, but the way Ava was looking at her - eyes wide, brimming with affection, gentle and careful and bright - she couldn’t have imagined that. “I’d like that.”  _

_ Sara paused, not quite wanting to turn away, but knowing one of them had to. As if sensing her reluctance Ava tucked her hands into her pockets, taking a step back down the driveway. “Good,” she grinned, “‘cause I’d like that too.” _

* * *

She’d avoided this part of town since she got back, determined not to slip into the museum out of curiosity before she was ready to appreciate it, because the last thing she wanted was for this moment to slip through her fingers. But now, she  _ wanted _ to be here. She wanted to see how this tiny, seemingly unachievable project she’d worked on for years had grown, how it had changed in her absence. And for the first time since she got back, she was determined not to avoid the memories of Ava she knew she would find, but to let them fade into the background. The time she had spent here with Ava was in the past, and that’s where she should leave it - fond memories, love lost to time, a chapter of her life she could close the door on.

Ava wasn’t hers anymore, and more to the point, she didn’t  _ want _ Ava to be hers. What they’d had… it was special, and unique, and she wouldn’t ever take a second of it back - but it had been over a long time ago.

Sara slipped in through the large oak door, going unnoticed despite how empty the museum was on this cold thursday morning. She’d wanted to come when it wasn’t busy. She loved it when it was, when the throngs of people flocking between exhibits proved how successful and popular the museum had become, and demonstrated how all of their hard work had paid off. But when it was quiet, it felt so, so different. Children’s laughter and excited voices were replaced by the quiet hum of chatter from the current visitors, and the excitement in the air lessened slightly; instead the museum filled with a curious interest, people who had come here to learn and to gaze in awe at the relics the museum team had managed to procure. 

The main hall was still the same. Some of the exhibits had changed - the case of triceratops bones that had been a nightmare to obtain had shifted to make way for the exhibit Nate had mentioned from Laurens’ annual archeological digs, and there was a new stand next to the reception full of Ancient Greek pottery one of the lecturers had recovered from the history school archives - but it  _ felt _ the same. The tall pillars that swept up to meet an arching ceiling were still exactly as Sara had remembered, breathtaking. 

The receptionist - a new one, someone who hadn’t been here five years ago - handed her a flyer, and Sara smiled. They’d been updated, but she’d never forget the first time she’d held one of these in her hands - Nate had run into her in the hallway and dragged her excitedly into Laurens’ office, opening the box that had just been delivered to take one out. It had been the first real, tangible proof that this was  _ happening _ . The museum was opening.

And even after all this time, it seemed to be thriving. 

_ “Oh my God, Sara!” Ava flipped the leaflet over in her hands, eyes skimming over the text before looking back up to Sara, bright eyed, excited grin on her face. She’d come to see their progress in her lunch break, walking into the museum to find a bunch of excited, yet exhausted students sitting on the floor painstakingly assembling exhibits.  _

_ Sara hadn’t been sure Ava would come - she’d promised to come see how it was going a few days ago, before the angry, irritated argument they’d had last night. Sara wasn’t oblivious to the fact that their fights were getting more frequent, but she and Ava were both stressed, and had a lot on their plates. Besides, Ava  _ ** _had_ ** _ come. She did care. _

_ Sara opened the leaflet to reveal the floor plan, and Ava’s eyes found hers again, excitement magnified but also mixed with awe. “You guys did all this?” she asked, and Sara’s cheeks flushed.  _

_ “We haven’t assembled much of it yet,” she admitted, but Ava shook her head.  _

_ “You’ve got time.”  _

_ The air around them seemed to be buzzing quietly, and Sara looked down to the floor, grin softening. No matter what was going on between them, Ava was proud of her. And all of their fights and arguments seemed petty, in the face of this. Because if she could do this, if she could help create a museum, one the city was eagerly anticipating the opening of, she could do anything. _

_ “Mind if I have a look round?” Ava asked, eyes still brimming with a pride Sara didn’t think she’d ever get tired of. She slipped her hand into Ava’s, squeezing it gently before pulling her over to a room labeled ‘North American Mammals.’  _

_ “I’ll give you a tour.” _

Sara opened the leaflet in her hand to see an almost identical floor plan to the one she remembered, and then slipped it into her pocket. She didn’t need it. It might have been years since the last time she was here, but she knew this place like the back of her hand - partly due to how hard she’d worked to bring it together, but also because of the countless hours she’d spent wandering the halls of this place in evenings before it had opened, sometimes with Nate or Ava, sometimes alone, appreciating the calm that seemed to only exist in places like these at a time when there wasn’t much calm left in her life at all.

She walked through the door on her left, passing through the fossil section and then into the marine biology hall. It was easy to get lost in here. To lose yourself in the cases upon cases of relics, discoveries that had flown under the radar at the time but all contributed important pieces to the bigger picture, all helped bring the lives of the people and creatures that had come before them a little more into focus. She could focus on the details, and let everything else fade away.

Now she was here, she was glad she’d come alone. It would be nice to come back at some point with Nate and let him point out all of the small changes she’d missed, but this first time it felt  _ right _ that it was just her. Just her, and the million and one memories she had of this place that for once weren’t overwhelming her but were sitting perfectly in the space she’d been trying to carve out for them in her heart. Memories that one day maybe she’d be able to think about fondly, whilst knowing she’d moved on from them too, and was where she needed to be.

Well, she could dream.

Right now,  _ this _ felt like where she needed to be. It had been an accident; she’d never intended on sticking around long enough to get a job, let alone a job in a field she loved at two of her favourite places in the world - but it felt like more than a coincidence. It was as if this role had been waiting for her to come along and fill it. There had been a space for her here all along, she just hadn’t been able to see it until now.

“Excuse me,” someone asked behind her, and Sara turned to see an elderly man with the floor plan clutched in his hand, clearly not where he was intending to be. He glanced up at the sign on the wall, then frowned. “Could you tell me how to get to the café?”

She pointed him down the hallway, and smiled.

  
  


* * *

_ Verdant  _ was thrumming with life, and Sara found herself relaxing into the familiar instinct she’d cultivated over the last five years - pumping music, flashing lights, the hum and chatter and jostling activity of people. Sara had been at  _ Verdant  _ long enough now that the location of the bottles, mixers, condiments and glasses was all just as instinctive, and the rush of her Friday evening shift passed in a haze, until a familiar face appeared at the bar in front of her. 

Sara paused, curling her fingers around a bottle of vodka and arching an amused eyebrow. “You’re not 21.” 

Thea glared. “Sara. I’m in college. I  _ remember  _ when you babysat me when you were my age, you had a fake ID.” 

“Me serving you a drink knowing what your real age is is illegal,” said Sara, leaning forward and plucking Thea’s ID from her fingers to look at it. “Jesus. They’ve gotten even better at making these.” 

“If you can’t actually  _ tell  _ it’s fake,” said Thea with a cheeky grin, “then surely you’re not doing anything wrong by giving me a drink?” 

“Nah uh,” said Sara dryly, tossing the ID back at Thea. “If I was off the clock, I’d love to party with you kid, but I’m not gonna get fired.” 

“ _ Sara _ ,” complained Thea. “I turn 21 in like, three months!” 

“See you in three months then Speedy,” smirked Sara, and Thea scowled, flipping Sara off and sliding off the stool. “I’ll make it up to you and buy you lunch tomorrow,” Sara added before Thea stalked off, and Thea’s discontent faded a little into frustrated resignation. 

“Fine,” she said huffily, flashing Sara a smile and disappearing into the crowd. Sara sighed softly. She loved Thea like a little sister, but she couldn’t risk losing her job for her - not when she’d only been working at Verdant a for a few months.

“Never thought Sara Lance would be a stickler for the rules,” said a gruff voice from a little down the bar, and Sara turned with surprise. 

“Apparently this is a week of walking down memory lane,” she said with a low whistle, and John Constantine grinned.

He gave Sara a small salute. “Isn’t that Star City everyday, love?” 

Sara pushed a glass towards him, pouring two fingers of whiskey. “Don’t call me  _ love  _ John.” 

“Don’t call me John,  _ love _ ,” retorted John, and Sara laughed. 

It was nice, seeing someone like John here after the week she’d just had. He was familiar, another friend from college, someone she’d gotten on with instantly, probably because they were a little too similar. A little too reckless. A little too prone to making bad decisions, generally spurred on by alcohol and each other.

“How are you?” she asked, twirling a cocktail stirrer in her fingers. “It’s been what, four years?” 

John’s face softened uncharacteristically, and he took a sip of his drink. “Just over three,” he reminded gently. “Your last night in Star City, last time you were here.” 

Sara looked down. “Right. Yeah.” She hadn’t forgotten about that, she’d just -

“How are  _ you  _ doing?” John interrupted, at least pretending he didn’t know where her thoughts had drifted. “Heard through the grapevine that you’re back for good.” 

“I am,” Sara agreed, nodding. “The plan is to stick around this time, so long as things work themselves out. I’ve got a job up at the museum and everything - think it might be time to stop running away from this all, you know?”

John took a long swig of his whiskey then thought for a moment, and Sara waited - but if he responded she didn’t hear it. Instead, her focus was pulled over to Ava and Jordan, weaving through the crowd towards the bar.

“Hey!” Jordan greeted her, louder than she usually would - probably due to the alcohol and the louder music coming from the other side of the room - looking like she’d pull Sara into a hug if the bar wasn’t in the way. “How’s it going?!”

“Pretty quiet so far,” Sara smiled, and Jordan grinned at her. 

“We weren’t sure what nights you worked here, but it’s good to see you. Feels like it’s been forever.”

Sara held back a snort of laughter, half tempted to tell Jordan that yeah, she was fairly sure that was deliberate. She’d assumed Ava had decided to keep them seperate, now the truth was out about Sara being her ex - but maybe that wasn’t the case. She glanced over to Ava, and Ava smiled, lacking the animosity that Sara was still expecting, even though it had faded weeks ago. “We’ve been busy,” she said, and Sara could read her well enough to know that it was the truth. 

“We’ve missed you,” Jordan added, Ava’s tight lipped smile not backing her up this time. Sara’s lips twitched. This was the relationship she was familiar with.

She glanced between them, a warmth settling in her stomach that hadn’t been there before, the idea of being  _ missed _ when she wasn’t around still uncommon enough to make her smile. Jordan talked a little more before getting distracted, slipping away from the bar, and Sara made herself busy, unsure which foot she and Ava were standing on. Ava watched her work, but didn’t comment until Sara handed her two expertly-made cocktails. Ava looked down at them in surprise. “We haven’t ordered.”

They were her favourites, and Sara was hoping that she hadn’t overstepped any kind of boundary by showing that she still knew it. But she couldn’t keep all of the information she knew about Ava locked in a neat, organised file in her mind forever. There was no point. There was still a lot of space to cross between them, so she might as well put some of it to good use, and friendship - if that was what they were cautiously heading towards - needed effort from both sides.

“I know,” Sara responded, eyes flickering over to Jordan, who’d wandered slightly further away from the bar and towards the dance floor. “Consider them as a long overdue apology.”

“Sara - ”

“We’re cool, Ava,” she said quietly, not wanting to pick the conversation they’d only had over text back up where it left off. The anger she’d felt towards Ava for misleading Jordan and putting her in the situation she’d been in had faded, and temporarily, if she ignored the pit of unease settling in her stomach, she could pretend her words were true. Ava looked at her as if she knew better, and Sara swallowed. 

Ava sighed. “We’ve got a work thing,” she explained, and Sara nodded. 

“Go,” she encouraged, tilting her head over to Jordan, and Ava nodded slightly, slipping away with a quiet goodbye. Sara sighed, leaning back against the bar, trying to collect her thoughts before returning to talk to John, who at least had the decency to wait until Ava and Jordan had faded into the crowd, a long way out of earshot, before raising an eyebrow. 

He’d never been one to mince words, but for once he paused. When he did speak, that same uncharacteristic softness from earlier had returned to his voice, edged with a hint of concern. “So ... how’s that working out for you, love?”

Sara rolled her eyes, topping up his whiskey. “I’ll assume by  _ that _ you mean Ava.”

“That I do.”

Sara fiddled with the bottle of whisky in front of her, then turned to place it back on the shelf where it belonged. She and Ava were… complicated. John knew that. The last time she’d seen him, she’d been desperately trying to distract herself from the million thoughts about Ava swirling around her mind, mixed in with a grief she hadn’t been prepared for, and couldn’t control. Someone called for her attention further down the bar, and Sara took her time serving them before returning to where John was sitting, watching her work but patiently waiting for a response.

Sara exhaled, leaning against the bar. “It’s going alright. We’re civil, at least. Kinda have to be - she’s friends with my friends, and all that. Plus, hate to say it, but her fiancée is pretty awesome.”

John was watching her carefully as she spoke, clearly wondering whether to ask the questions he wanted to, or leave them unsaid. Sara’s lips twitched. It was sweet, in a way. The John Constantine she’d first met in college hadn’t much cared for censoring his words - not that they’d done much talking. He’d changed too. Maybe not as much as she had, but there were subtle differences here and there, corners that had been worn down in the years since she’d been away. There was something about this John that  _ cared  _ \- genuinely and without restraint or embarrassment. Sara had always seen that little spark of gentle humanity in him when nobody else had, but it seemed to have become a much stronger part of his personality in the years since she’d seen him.

“Go on,” she encouraged, not entirely sure she wanted to answer whatever it was he was about to ask. Since running into Thea at the university earlier in the week, they’d already met up a couple of times during which Sara had filled her in on the whole situation, but of course, like John, Thea had been most interested in how things with Ava were unfolding. Sara had talked about the ups and downs of it all so far, and had voiced her occasional lingering concerns with Ray, Nora and Nate, but it was different to have this conversation with John - someone who hadn’t ever really known Ava that well, but who had seen the fallout from their relationship. Someone who probably wasn’t even considering Ava’s side of things, because he only tended to care about the people he was closest to. 

“Have you talked much?” he asked, but Sara shook her head. John eyed her carefully. “‘Cos last time you were here - ”

“I know,” Sara agreed, interrupting the comment she knew was coming. It would come up eventually, but right now she didn’t need to be thinking about the only few days she’d spent here over the last five years. In a while, she’d let Zari nudge her in the right direction, or perhaps she’d snap and it would all come tumbling out at once. 

But not now.

She sighed, resting her hands on the counter in front of her and leaning onto them with all of her weight. The chill of the melted ice on the counter was a welcome refresher from the humidity floating around the inside of the bar. “Sorry,” she said, shaking her head. “Me and Ava breaking up … that was long enough ago that I can talk about it, you know? Last time I was here - I know it was three years ago but every time I  _ think  _ about it, I still feel like I’m drowning.” 

If any of her friends could have heard her, they’d be staring in shock. Sara rarely voiced her feelings this openly and rawly to anybody. John was different. They’d always just been fuck-buddies really, but he  _ got  _ the parts of her that Sara was a little ashamed of in a way nobody else did (other than Ava). Plus, Sara knew that since college, John had ended up breaking things off with his boyfriend Des, despite things between them seeming like they could last forever. 

And that feeling, Sara knew. It had been one of the reasons they’d connected again so quickly the last time they saw each other - bitterly reminding themselves of the once perfect relationships they’d had that had fallen apart. Sara vividly remembered John drunkenly saying, “Maybe I just got scared. Future isn’t really something I’d banked on you know? When it started coming into focus with Des, maybe I freaked out. Fucked it up on purpose. Self sabotage ‘n all that.” 

The possibility had made Sara’s heart take a sharp dive into the pit of her stomach and she hadn’t replied, instead taking the bottle of vodka from John and taking a long swig herself. They hadn’t talked about it the next morning, and Sara hadn’t wanted to ask whether it was because it had been too real, whether it had just been a drunken delirium, or whether John even remembered it at all. 

“Hey,” John said now, and Sara was sharply yanked back into the present - the icy countertop, the thick air and the thumping music. John was watching her carefully. “It’s okay love. I get it. Besides, I should head off - crowd in here is becoming a little too ‘college girls gone wild’ for my taste.” 

“I thought that was exactly your taste,” quipped Sara and John gave her a dry smirk that Sara couldn’t help but return. “It was good to see you tonight. Really.” 

John drained his drink then slid his glass across the bar. “You too Sara,” he said, before quietly adding, “look after yourself.” 

Sara nodded. She would. She  _ was _ . Or at least, she was trying her best, and tentatively starting to hope that maybe things might be looking up. John reached for his coat.

“See you around?” Sara asked, and John’s smile shifted into a more familiar grin, all Cheshire cat - cheeky and suggestive and cocky. 

“If you need me, give me a call,” he said with a wink, and Sara hit him with a dish towel before he could dodge her. He saluted goodbye with a laugh, and Sara slid her hands into her pockets, chuckling under her breath. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see Ava and Jordan in their booth with their colleagues. Ava’s back was to her, but Jordan caught Sara’s eye and waved. Sara smiled and gave a short wave back. 

_ Look after yourself.  _

For the first time in a long time, Sara was pretty sure that was exactly what she was doing. 


	8. here and now I say it loud (I just wish that you were here)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I haven’t done anything to Jordan,” Sara said. 
> 
> “Exactly!” spat Ava, shaking her head. “She’s your fucking _friend_. And you have been absolutely nowhere to be found. It’s you being selfish enough to make some kind of point about how angry you are at me when the only thing that matters right now is Jordan - to unquestioningly be there for her, without her feeling any hint of insecurity or doubt, which I would think you of all people would understand, and yet you’re not fucking here -” 
> 
> “_I’m_ not here?” repeated Sara, and she saw Ava’s face flicker with surprise. “_I’m_ not here?” Sara laughed - blunt and unhumorous. “You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me Ava. How dare you accuse me of not being here. Me pulling back was the best thing I could do for Jordan because if I _had_ been here, I would’ve made it about me and _that_ would’ve been the most selfish thing I could do.”__
> 
> _  
_or_  
_
> 
> _  
_those lingering underlying tensions between sara & ava come to a head, and we finally find out what happened three and a half years ago._  
_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi hi team, happy new year!! 
> 
> we are super sorry for not uploading a chapter last week - we posted a heads up on twitter but we don't know how many of you guys follow us on there / got that message (for future reference, we are @saraalcnce and @z__tomaz yes this is a shameless plug go follow us). life got a bit much for us both with christmas and mental health and physical health and also I (chim) have been travelling so went from canada to the uk to india over the few weeks so finding time to write has been difficult, and just when we did find time, my laptop keyboard decided to stop working so we had to give last week a miss. travelling is also why this chapter is probably coming at a weird time for you guys - it's thursday night for me, and we adore this chapter, so we're uploading it a bit early. 
> 
> for real though, this chapter is our favourite we've written so far. it's a Massive turning point in the fic and there's so much heart in it. plus we've edited and re-edited and re-re-re-edited and added and then re-re-re-re-re-edited it so many times because we feel like we keep having more to write. it's a long one, and a fckn good one if we do say so ourselves, so we hope it makes up for no chapter last week and if you're gonna comment on any chapter from these 8 so far, please please please comment on this one. we're dying to know what you guys think of it <3 XX 
> 
> (p.s. chapter title is from wish you were here by mariana's trench)

** _November, 2019:_ **

Their movie nights had become a somewhat frequent thing. Once a week, they gathered in someone’s apartment with an array of takeout, movie snacks and alcohol. Sara had forgotten what it felt like - the familiarity of people, of a routine, of flopping down on a couch and being buried by the cushions that were hurled her way when she admitted she forgot to bring a new bottle of tequila. The familiarity of knowing she had a plan for her Thursday night that involved the company of other people and a place where she felt safe. 

Even with Ava and Jordan there. 

Because even then, there was that little pinch of pain that reminded Sara that this wasn’t a dream, this wasn’t something that was going to slip out of her grasp, because it still _ hurt _and that made it okay to enjoy it even when she didn’t deserve it. 

Today though, that pain wasn’t here. Sara had had a weird week and felt floaty and ungrounded and she was sitting here with a bowl of fried rice and a gin and tonic that was probably way too strong and there wasn’t that little _ pinch _ , that good, low, deep in your bones ache, the prickle across the skin of her entire body that she welcomed because it was the weird, twisted thing that made her feel _ alive. _Today, Ava and Jordan weren’t here, and Sara felt an uncomfortable lurch in her stomach at their absence. 

“Where’s Ava?” asked Nate, cracking open a beer. 

“She and Jordan aren’t coming,” said Amaya, getting a handful of popcorn. “Jordan had a family emergency.” 

Sara frowned, and saw everyone around her do the same. “Is she okay?” she asked immediately, and Amaya glanced at her, a little surprised that she had been the first one to ask. As though she expected her to be the last one to care about Jordan’s family, despite being the most experienced with ‘family emergencies’ out of the group. Sara had to suppress the surge of bitterness at that - at the clear distance between who she was and who the people who had once known her better than anyone _ thought _ she was. She forced herself to remember Jordan’s advice: _ until you find your footing with everybody else, you’ve got me. Someone who only knows you for who you are. _Sara let out a quiet, slow exhale and ignored Amaya. She could over-analyse it later, if she really needed to. Right now, the only person who mattered was Jordan. 

Amaya ran one hand through her hair, and then shrugged. “I’m not sure. Ava didn’t give me details, but she’s with her, and if there’s anything we can do to help I’m sure she’ll let me know.”

Ava walked through the door at 11:47pm. 

They were technically watching _ Legally Blonde _but nobody had been paying much attention given how many times they’d all watched it in college (Sara didn’t realise she still knew it off by heart, but apparently those movie nights from back then had stuck with her). She was watching tipsily as Nate, Wally, Zari and Mick played Uno, while Ray moderated the increasingly heated game. Nora was sitting with her, watching with inebriated amusement. 

And then Ava walked in the door with circles under her eyes, her hair mussed and lips cracked and dry and expression exhausted as she dropped her coat and bag to the floor and pushed the door shut behind her. 

“Hey,” said Amaya in surprise, sitting up. “Hey you’re back.” 

“Where’s Jordan?” asked Ray, his voice gentle. 

Ava shook her head, letting out a long, shaking exhale. “Still uh … still at the hospital.” 

Amaya stood, crossing the room and curling her fingers around Ava’s wrist, tugging her towards the couch where everybody was crowded. “What happened?” 

Ava sat on the armchair, the big, cracked, leather armchair that was everybody’s favourite. She buried her face in her hands, her trembling hands, her worn, dry, shaking hands. “Jordan’s dad had a heart attack,” she said quietly. “He’s had heart problems for … for a really long time. Since Jordan was a kid, he … he drank a lot, so he’s not doing good now. They don’t think he’s gonna make it.” 

Sara felt something curl around her throat, cutting off her breath for an overwhelming second. Oh. (Nobody seemed to notice her sudden intake of breath.)

“Jordan’s not close with her parents, is she?” said Nate, leaning forward. 

“No,” said Ava, sighing. “No, she’s not. They didn’t take her coming out well and she mostly cut ties with them when she moved away for college. But … he’s still her dad, you know? She … she wanted to be there.” 

Sara couldn’t look at her. She felt the couch shift, felt Zari sink down into the space beside her and curl her fingers around Sara’s and squeeze lightly. Sara forced herself to breathe. 

“You didn’t want to stay?” asked Nora, handing Ava a beer. Ava took it, took a long gulp. 

“I didn’t need to be there,” Ava answered eventually, picking at the label on the beer bottle. “I’ll be here when she comes home. I can’t do anything until then.” 

* * *

** _February, 2016: _ **

_ “Laurel?” _

_ Sara stopped abruptly, clutching her apartment keys in surprise, staring at the woman who had just stopped pacing in front of her front door. _

_ “Oh, so you _ ** _do _ ** _ actually live here?” said Laurel, an uncharacteristic bite to her voice. Sara frowned. _

_ “Ouch, okay?” she said, arching an eyebrow and opening her door. “How about, hey sis, nice to see you, it’s been a while.” _

_ Laurel shook her head, pushing past Sara to get into the apartment. There was a tightness to her shoulders, her hands shaking and a jittery, panicky air about her. Sara’s heart swooped a little into her stomach and she slowly closed the door behind her. _

_ “Laur?” she said slowly. “Why are you here?” _

_ Laurel sniffed, pushing her hair roughly away from her face. “I tried calling you,” she rasped. “I … I called both the numbers I had for you - I tried calling your landlord but he said you moved, and your boss said you quit two months ago -” _

_ “My phone died,” said Sara, tossing her bag onto the couch. “I spilt vodka on it at work, it’s being fixed now but I just don’t have a replacement until then. And … and yeah, I moved. And changed job. What, am I not allowed to move on to bigger and better things?” _

_ Laurel let out a huff. “Oh, so you can’t check your Facebook messages on your laptop? Or Instagram? Or your damn email? Why the hell couldn’t I track you down Sara?” _

_ Sara stepped forward, taking Laurel’s hand. “Laur. I’ve had the same laptop since college, it gave out six months ago and I can’t afford to replace it yet.” The panic had jumped now, infested her, sweeping through her veins and burning rapidly through every inch of her body. “You’re scaring me.” _

_ Laurel looked away. _

_ Sara knew. Like the world had stopped, Like the air had frozen for a second. Like the ground had fallen and Sara was floating. Like she’d been hit with the weight of the whole universe in the form of a cosmic baseball bat and she could feel every single bit of that hurt at once. _

_ She’d felt like this once before. When she and Ava had ended things. The moment she knew they weren’t going to work it out. _

_ [In three and a half years, standing in the alleyway in LA behind the bar, on the phone with Amaya, she would feel it again.] _

_ And then - _

_ “Dad’s dead Sara.” Pause. A broken, hoarse, half sob. “There was a shootout. Dad … he got shot. In the … in the heart. They rushed him to surgery but he flatlined on the table and … they couldn’t resuscitate him.” Laurel looked up, tears streaming down her cheeks. “I’ve -” Her voice cracked. “I’ve been trying to call you for three _ ** _days _ ** _ Sara. Do you know how many of Dad’s detectives I had trying to track your financials and your tax records just to find out where the hell you _ ** _live_ ** _ ?” _

_ Sara sunk down to the couch. She missed the edge, fell to the floor, keys clattering to the wooden floorboards. “Dad’s dead.” _

* * *

It was easier to just not be there. To pull away and spend her days holed in her room finding a new crappy show to binge watch on Netflix, eating only when Zari flopped onto the edge of the bed with snacks or something she had cooked. 

It was easier than pretending, than being the careful, kind, considerate, civil person Ava (and Jordan) needed her to be when every moment of everything that was going on made her think of her dad, of Laurel waiting at her apartment door, and Sara knew Jordan didn’t deserve that right now. It was better for everyone that she stayed well out of the way. 

Zari seemed to get it, at least. She hadn’t mentioned it explicitly, but she’d made it clear that if Sara _ did _ want to talk she’d be ready to listen, and Sara appreciated it. As for everyone else… they’d all been there for Quentin’s funeral, they’d all watched her look to the door as though Ava was about to walk through after them, they’d all seen her crumble and struggle to pull herself back together afterwards. If they had noticed her absence, it wouldn’t take much to put two and two together - or at least, that was what she’d thought.

Until now.

Ava had been looking for Zari for some reason or another, and had come by the apartment not realising she was at work. And if Sara had known, she probably would have ignored the knock at the door and gone back to bed - but instead she’d assumed Zari had forgotten her keys, or a parcel had arrived, and she’d clambered out of bed in a haze only to be abruptly awoken when the door swung open to reveal Ava, equally surprised to find her rather than Zari on the other side. 

Ava looked down to Sara’s pyjamas, and back up again.

“I live here,” Sara supplied unhelpfully, breaking the awkward silence between them, and Ava’s surprise faded into a glare. It had been a while since Sara had seen her, but the bags under her eyes had barely faded, and for a second Sara felt her heart twist in her chest. She knew this pain, intimately, familiarly - and she knew Ava was helping shoulder it for Jordan. No matter what her issues with this were, she couldn’t fault Ava for that.

“Ava - ” 

“Really,” Ava responded at the same time, colder than Sara was expecting, even if her bitter sarcasm had been uncalled for. “Because I’d started to wonder.”

Sara bit back a harsh laugh. The joke was on her; she should’ve known better than to expect Ava to put herself in Sara’s position, and properly think this over. And yet … she_ had _ expected it. Hoped their slow, reconciliation over these last couple of months would lead Ava to _ understand _why Sara had purposefully distanced herself now. 

Part of Sara knew that if she explained, rationally, Ava would understand. Or Ava _ should _ understand, at least. It would be a step in the right direction, and Ava wouldn’t keep looking at her like _ that _, as though she was personally responsible for hurting her fiancée and was acting the way she was just to make it worse. But the other part of Sara - the part rational arguments had never been able to control - knew she didn’t owe Ava any explanation at all. Besides, the list of things she wanted to say was endless, and she’d spent the best part of the last couple of weeks trying to fight back every thought along this vein. If she started now, she wasn’t sure she’d be able to stop.

Ava sighed, and then pulled her phone from her pocket, unlocking the screen and opening her messenger conversation with Zari. “Zari has some stuff for me,” she said awkwardly, scrolling through the messages on her phone screen. “I think it’s in her room.”

Sara barely held back her groan, but opened the door to let Ava in. She’d be quick. In, out, and then she’d be gone, taking her judgement and twisted, unjustified anger with her.

Sara didn’t know how this had happened. One moment she was at the door, trying her hardest to bite back everything she wanted to say, and the next she was watching as Ava dumped the box she was holding down on the table, spinning round to face her. She hadn’t _ said _ anything. She hadn’t done anything, not really. And sure, Ava was stressed and on edge and didn’t look as though she’d been sleeping, but that wasn’t Sara’s fault - none of this was Sara’s fault.

If Ava hadn’t pushed her away years ago, and then abandoned her at her own father’s funeral, the cauldron of furied, tangled emotions bubbling away at the pit of Sara’s stomach wouldn’t even be there in the first place. 

“You know what Sara?” said Ava spitefully, slamming her hand down onto the mantelpiece beside her. Sara jumped at the sound. “I never thought you were selfish. Not like this. I thought you were arrogant, and reckless and immature and unreliable and annoying as _ hell, _ but I never thought you were selfish until now.” 

“Selfish?” echoed Sara incredulously, her voice barely more than a rush of breath. “Care to explain, Ava, why exactly I’m _ selfish _? Don’t leave a girl hanging.” 

(If she was a better person, she wouldn’t do this. She’d be able to stay calm, she’d keep her voice low and level and understand why Ava was angry, understand that Ava was shouldering her fiancée’s pain and needed someone to be angry at because Jordan’s dad was dead and she couldn’t be mad at him for making Jordan feel like this. But Sara - Sara, Ava could be mad at and Sara knew that. And if she was a better person, she’d let Ava be mad at her and know that whether it was misplaced or deliberate, they would never have any kind of a close relationship anyway and it didn’t matter. But Sara _ was _selfish, and she was the kind of person to nurse her pride, to flare up in her own defense because she couldn’t stand the idea that Ava had something on her when she had been simmering with her own very, very deliberate anger for years and carefully kept it at bay.) 

“The woman I’m going to marry just lost her father Sara!” hissed Ava. 

(Sara wasn’t sure what hit harder. The _ lost her father _ or the _ woman I’m going to marry. _) 

Ava stepped towards Sara, a horrible kind of hatred in her eyes that made Sara suddenly want to run because it was _ real _ \- it wasn’t just aggravated or upset kind of annoyance. It was real, undeniable hatred, even if just for a second, and Sara never thought, not in a million years that she would see _ that _kind of fury in Ava’s eyes. Not directed towards her. 

“He died,” Ava said low and softly furious. “And I know that we have a complicated relationship and I am not expecting you to just forget that. But Jordan has done _ nothing _to you and after the past couple of months, she’s come to expect you to be a friend, because you’re friends with our friends and you’re a good enough person to never have been an asshole to her even though you hate me.” 

(_ I don’t hate you _ , Sara thought, and immediately, her brain fired off question of, _ what do you feel then? _ She ignored it.) 

“I haven’t done anything to Jordan,” she said instead. 

“Exactly!” spat Ava, shaking her head. “She’s your fucking _ friend. _ And you have been absolutely nowhere to be found. It’s been weird enough for her to try and adjust to the fact that we used to be something, and she’s been good and gracious about it. But you disappearing and not being supportive and kind when she needs people to be there is _ selfish _ Sara. It’s you being selfish enough to make some kind of point about how angry you are at me when the only thing that matters right now is Jordan - to unquestioningly be there for her, without her feeling any hint of insecurity or doubt, which I would think _ you _ of all people would understand, and yet you’re not fucking _ here _-” 

“_ I’m _ not here?” repeated Sara, and she saw Ava’s face flicker with surprise. She knew that anger - the pure, unfiltered, uncontrollable rage that she had seen in Ava’s eyes before - it was in _ her _ voice now. And it had surprised Ava just as much as it had shocked Sara before. “ _ I’m _ not here?” Sara laughed - blunt and unhumorous. “You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me Ava. How dare you accuse me of not being here. Me pulling back was the best thing I could do for Jordan because if I _ had _ been here, I would’ve made it about me and _ that _ would’ve been the most selfish thing I could do.” Ava opened her mouth, and Sara could tell without her saying anything, it was to back up a few steps because okay, maybe Sara had a point, but the indignance, the defensiveness, the fury had taken over and Sara couldn’t stop. “And you. You of all people don’t have _ any fucking right _ Ava, to lecture me about being anywhere in a situation like this, because you fucking _ weren’t _.” 

Ava frowned. “What?” 

“You weren’t there Ava!” shouted Sara, and the room was empty enough, quiet enough that her voice echoed off the walls of the apartment that was still a bit emptier than you would call a home. Ava flinched a little at the volume of it, eyes wide and still confused. (Only for a second more.) “My dad _died, _Ava, and you weren’t there!” 

Ava’s expression shifted. “Sara -” 

“No!” yelled Sara, her eyes burning with tears that she hadn’t let herself shed for years. “You don’t get to say anything! Because yes Ava, I know we have a complicated relationship and that we’ve had a complicated relationship since the minute we broke up - maybe even before then. And yes, I know how badly Jordan needs the support of her friends, needs people to be kind and unquestioningly _there_, with no hint of insecurity or doubt.” Sara shook her head. “Of course I fucking know that,” she said through fiercely grit teeth. “Because I needed it too. And you_. You_ were the one who didn’t show up. When I had to bury my father, who loved you _so _much, when I had to listen to Laurel say his eulogy, when all I wanted was to fall into the arms of the family I’d left behind, _your _arms, because you made up far too much of that family even a year and a half after we broke up. I thought what we had would have meant more to you than that. So don’t you _dare _attack me about not being here now because it was _you._ _You. Weren’t. There._” 

Sara backed away, hastily wiping her eyes with her cardigan sleeve. She could see a dark, splotchy smudge of teary mascara on the back of her hand and hastily wiped it on her top. She turned, already walking, already running towards the door. 

“Sara, wait -” 

She pretended she didn’t hear, shoving open the door in front of her and flying down the stairs two at a time. She couldn’t hear whether Ava was following. She couldn’t care less, couldn’t breathe, couldn’t see. 

She’d stopped being mad at Ava for the fact that they hadn’t made it work a very long time ago. Soon after they broke up, in fact. People didn’t work together all the time - Sara knew that, better than most. That didn’t mean they weren’t meant to have been in each other’s lives, at least for a small time, to love and learn and lose each other, to add to each other’s story. She'd spent a year slowly realising that she wouldn’t have taken back being with Ava, even if it would take away every little ounce of pain she felt every single day. 

But then her dad had died, and she’d lost any semblance of a stable life in LA. She forgot who she was, forgot what made her _ her _without her friends, without her father, without her sister coaxing her out of bed each day and making her eat and forcing her to do something other than watch crappy medical show reruns on TV. Without Ava. The funeral had rolled around, and Sara had felt warm, aching, sweet relief when Jax and Ray and Zari and Nate and Amaya and Mick and Wally had walked through the door. It had been a year and a half since they’d all been together - since Sara left - and she’d hugged each of them so tight, wondering for a moment whether if she just didn’t let go, it would all be okay. 

But Ava hadn’t walked in with them. Amaya had said - softly, apologetically - that she didn’t know where Ava was. She hadn’t come to the wake. She hadn’t left a call. Hadn’t sent flowers. Hadn’t shown up a few days, or weeks later, hadn’t given Sara the hug that she so desperately craved to subside the grief just for a second. 

_ “You didn’t want to stay?” _

_ “I didn’t need to be there. I’ll be here when Jordan comes home. I can’t do anything until then.” _

Sara knew she and Ava hadn’t been together when Quentin died. That it was different now, with Jordan. 

That they were engaged, that it made _ sense _for Ava to drop everything to help Jordan deal with things, even if Jordan didn’t have a relationship with her father, even if Ava had never met the man, even if she hadn’t gone to football games with him, or taught him how to make the best vegetarian homemade pizza even though the man was a total carnivore, even if she hadn’t received college care packages from him or run to hug him hello when he visited campus or smiled and rolled her eyes with a pleased flush when he made small, offhand comments as though she was a part of his family. 

Three and a half years ago, Sara had been sure that even Ava wasn’t so selfish that she would avoid coming to Quentin Lance’s funeral just because of how things ended with her and Sara. 

And three and a half years ago, Sara had been wrong.

* * *

_ “What do you need?” asked Amaya softly, gently smoothing Sara’s hair. They were sitting outside in the backyard of Sara’s childhood home. It wasn’t a big yard - the Lance’s had never been wealthy - but it had a garden and two huge trees at the end that Laurel and Sara had spent endless hours climbing. From the tree on the right, a swing made of two ropes and a long, wooden plank hung from the highest reachable branch, and it was here that Sara was sitting, Amaya squeezed in next to her. They were both so still that the swing barely moved unless the chilled, winter breeze came whistling through the yard. _

_ It was February, so everything around them was blanketed in a thick layer of snow. Sara could feel the icy chill through the thin layers of her dress, and the cold was almost stabbing on her bare legs, but she didn’t care. The pain was _ ** _something_ ** _ . Something she wanted to feel. _

_ “I don’t know,” she whispered, leaning into Amaya. “I … I don’t know.” _

_ There was a crunch, the sound of snow under shoes, and Sara forced herself to glance up to see Ray, Nate and Jax walking towards them. She couldn’t help but smile through the burning of tears in her eyes. _

_ “You all look dapper,” she joked weakly. Ray straightened his tie with a warm smile, while Nate stretched uncomfortably. _

_ “Pretty sure I outgrew this suit a long time ago,” he said. “I think I bought it for high school graduation.” _

_ “Oh my god, Nate,” said Amaya chastisingly while Sara managed to roll her eyes. Quickly though, they all fell quiet, the reminder of why they were in ill-fitting suits and weather inappropriate heels flooding back all too soon and spreading an awkward, apologetic tension between them all. Sara swallowed. _

_ “Thank you guys for coming,” she said in a small voice, her words cracking towards the end of her sentence. Amaya snaked an arm around her and squeezed comfortingly. _

_ “Of course Sara,” said Jax. _

_ “It was a beautiful service,” said Ray. _

_ Sara nodded, sniffing a little. “It was all Laurel. I … I feel bad. She’s hurting as much as I am but she had to do all of this work -” _

_ “She told me it helped her,” said Amaya in a soft, soothing tone. “Having to be strong for you, organising things, looking after you. She’s your big sister Sara - she’s always gonna want to protect you.” _

_ “I guess,” said Sara. Before any of them had the chance to shift the conversation to something distracting, the back door opened, and the sound of heels clicking against the stone path out into the yard caught Sara’s attention. There was a surge in her chest, a sudden leap of hope, a maybe - just maybe - the world wasn’t such a horrible place and the thing (the _ ** _person_ ** _ ) she so badly needed that she couldn’t voice to Amaya was here, soft eyes and gentle words and arms that Sara could fall into even though they’d had a year and a half of _ ** _nothing_ ** _ . _

_ But it was Zari, her coat wrapped tight around her shoulders and holding a couple of sweaters - one that was Sara’s and one that was Laurel’s - which she passed to Amaya once coming close enough. _

_ “Figured you guys could use these,” she said and Amaya nodded, nudging Sara encouragingly. Sara sighed and took the sweater that was Laurel’s, reluctantly tugging it over her head as Amaya did the same, and pulling the sleeves over her fingers once it was on. _

_ “Are you going?” she asked Zari, gesturing at her in her coat. _

_ “Not a chance,” said Zari immediately. “I just don’t have this deep seated burning desire to catch hypothermia like you do Lance. I mean, follow your dreams ‘n all, I just don’t have that same passion.” _

_ Sara snorted and she could feel the relief radiating off her friends in waves at the barest hint of a smile Zari had coaxed out of her. _

_ Nate’s phone buzzed, and he pulled it out of his pocket, eyes flickering down to read the text he’d received before shooting Sara an amused look. “Wally needs saving from the swarm of middle aged police wife divorcees asking if his dad is still single.” _

_ “Oh no,” said Sara, her tiny smile widening just a little. “Go get him. That poor kid doesn’t stand a chance against those ladies.” _

_ As Nate hurried back inside, Amaya also checked her phone, an apologetic expression gracing her face. _

_ “What’s up?” asked Sara. _

_ “They’re asking if I can come in to work,” said Amaya. “I can say no.” _

_ “It’s fine,” said Sara. “The wake’s not gonna last much longer, and I’ll probably just head to bed once everybody leaves.” _

_ “Are you sure?” _

_ “Positive.” Sara squeezed Amaya’s hand. “Thank you for being here.” _

_ “Always Sara,” said Amaya, pressing a kiss to Sara’s forehead. “I love you. If you or Laurel need anything, call me okay?” _

_ “I don’t have a phone,” said Sara with a shake of her head, “but yeah. I’ll - I’ll message you or something.” _

_ “I’m so sorry Sara, but I have to go too,” said Ray, looking torn and incredibly guilty. “We’ve got this big tech launch at the company I’m working with and I’m one of the interns for the launch party -” _

_ “Ray, don’t worry,” said Sara, standing from the swing and placing a hand on Ray’s arm. “Like I said. Not a whole lot happening here. Just planning on crying and sleeping. It means a lot that you took the day off to be here.” _

_ Ray didn’t reply, just pulled her into a hug - the warm, big brother, tight, full of love and light and possibility Ray Palmer hugs that Sara hadn’t realised she missed until today. _

_ “Nora says she’s sorry she couldn’t come,” he said as they broke apart. “I wish you could have met her. She’s in Mexico with her family.” _

_ “I wish I could have met her too,” said Sara, and there was definite truth in it. Ray had been gushing about Nora non-stop since he met her a couple of months ago, and Sara had done some social media stalking and deduced that Nora was the kind of person she would get along with, even though she seemed like the polar opposite person to like someone like Ray. They sounded good for each other though, and Sara was a little sad that she hadn’t managed to make something good of this unexpected trip back to Star City and meet her. _

_ “Next time you’re here,” said Ray firmly. _

_ Something funny pulled in Sara’s chest. Something to do with the idea of coming back to Star City without a home to come back to. “Yeah,” she said quietly. “Next time.” _

_ “What about you?” asked Sara, nudging Jax as Ray waved goodbye and followed the path Amaya and Nate had both taken back into the house. “When are you shipping out?” _

_ “Not until next week,” said Jax. “You’re not getting rid of me that easily.” _

_ Sara looked over at Zari, and she didn’t even have to ask. Zari smiled, her eyes sad and uncharacteristically gentle and sympathetic. She walked over, pulling Sara back down to sit on the swing and looped her arm around Sara’s. “I’m here as long as you need me,” she said. She paused, glancing over at Jax before carefully tucking some of Sara’s hair away from her face as she hesitantly added, “and for as long as it takes for you to stop waiting for Ava to walk through the door.” _

_ Sara cracked. _

_ She’d cried during the funeral, of course. But it had been slow, silent tears that rolled down her cheeks, that wouldn’t stop but that came with no sound, no sobs, no sniffs, and Sara had just curled her fingers into Laurel’s hand the whole time and then disappeared into the bathroom to wash her face. Since then, she’d just felt empty, on the verge of tears but carefully teetering on the edge, careful not to go falling, because the one person in the whole world who could make the world feel less like it was falling apart when Sara was overcome with grief and sorrow was the person who hadn’t shown up, and Sara had desperately known she needed to hold off from tumbling down that edge because without Ava, she didn’t know who had the capability to pull her back up. _

_ But the minute Zari said it, Sara crumbled, falling hard and fast as the tears spilled over and the sobs broke in the back of her throat. Zari’s arms were around her immediately, and Jax stepped forward, crouched down even in the snow to take one of Sara’s hands in both of his. _

_ Zari wasn’t Ava, but she was close enough. She was warm in the icy, grief stricken cold of this day, and the uncomfortable distance between Sara and everybody else that they’d all been blatantly ignoring all day wasn’t there with Zari. It had something to do with the fact they’d all been dancing around the reality that Ava wasn’t here even though she’d been here, in Star City, for the past year and a half and had disappeared exactly when Sara had come back and actually needed her. _

_ Zari and Jax were different. They’d left Star City too - Zari had headed out to Seattle and Jax had joined the army, and they were the only two Sara felt safe stripping down her walls in front of, because it didn’t feel like _ ** _them vs her. _ **

_ “I just wanted her to be here,” Sara whispered into Zari’s shoulder, voice thick with raspy, uncontrollable tears. “I know things are weird - I know that, I know … I know don’t have a _ ** _right _ ** _ to ask anything from her but I - I just thought -” _

_ “I know,” murmured Zari, resting one hand on Sara’s head. “I think we all thought she’d be here too.” _

* * *

It was late by the time Sara finally returned to her apartment. She’d never been more relieved that she’d bought a car in the past few weeks, because it had gotten cold enough that as angry Sara was when she’d stormed out, she wouldn’t have survived wandering around in 30 degree weather in her pyjamas for as long as she intended to be out of the apartment so that Ava wouldn’t be there when she got back. Thankfully, she’d been able to slide into the driver’s seat and just _ go _. 

Driving in the centre of Star City wasn’t the easiest - it was a city like any other. Chaotic, stressful, full of drivers who had no qualms about bending driving rules to get where they wanted to go. Instinct, and that sharp pang of grief that Sara had been drowning in this past week, pushed Sara to immediately turn onto the highway heading towards the first home she’d known. She wasn’t planning on actually going to her old house - she couldn’t, it wasn’t _ hers _anymore. Though Quentin’s life insurance had paid off their mortgage on the place, with neither Laurel or Sara living in Star City, they’d decided to sell the house - especially as it helped both of them with their fluctuating financial situations. But Star City had been home for more reasons that that house, and even if Sara didn’t step foot out of her car, she knew that the familiarity of those wide, open roads, the quieter, calmer neighbourhood, the little spread of shops and restaurants and cafes and cinemas and arcades 10 minutes from her old house would be almost exactly the same, and seeing the kids running around, exchanging arcade tokens, trying to be cool and buying extravagantly fancy Starbucks drinks the way Sara remembered doing when she was their age - she knew that would be enough to siphon off that overpowering, fiery anger that had engulfed every fibre of her being. 

So when Sara’s fuel tank was finally running low and the sun had set and rush hour had picked up as everybody got out of work and Sara was confident Ava wouldn’t still be at her apartment, even if she had tried to wait, she finally pulled back into her building’s garage, let out a long, shaky exhale, and headed upstairs. Zari was there, sitting on the kitchen benchtop and scrolling through her phone clearly waiting for something to cook on the stove. She glanced up as Sara pushed the door shut behind her, and she didn’t look surprised that Sara was walking in in her pyjamas at 6:30pm. 

“Hey,” she said, putting her phone on the bench and hopping down onto the floor. “You okay?” 

Sara shrugged, tossing her keys onto the coffee table and joining Zari in the kitchen. “I guess. How’d you know something was up?” 

“Ava was here when I got home,” said Zari, folding her arms and arching an eyebrow. “Told me you guys had a fight.” 

Sara pushed her hair away from her face roughly, glancing away from Zari’s inquisitive gaze. “Yeah. She say anything else?” 

“That she’d fucked up,” said Zari without missing a beat and Sara’s head snapped up in surprise. Zari’s lips quirked upwards with a wry smile. “She said she took out her exhaustion from everything that’s been going on on you. She said she pushed too hard, that she didn’t take into account how rough Jordan’s situation must be on you.” 

Sara swallowed, a tight, tangled knot of emotion stuck in her chest. “You’re not making this up are you Z? Because if you are, I’ll kill you.” 

“Sara,” said Zari, her voice a little more serious than before. “I know our whole friendship is kinda grounded in giving each other shit, but you know I wouldn’t fuck around about this. I remember that afternoon on the swing three years ago. Ava was genuinely sorry about what she said today.” 

Sara nodded, her hands shaking as she pushed them into the pockets of her hoodie. Today had been … a lot. Too much. This whole week had been overwhelming, trying to separate Jordan’s grief with her own, still simmering, still lingering, still just as sharp and present as it had been three years ago. It was almost _ worse _knowing Ava regretted what she’d said, because Sara didn’t know what to do with that. Her fury at Ava for not being there when Quentin died had been easier having some kind of animosity with Ava now. Ava shifting to a quieter, gentler, remorseful and apologetic stance with all of this just made Sara feel more of a jumbled mess inside and she had no idea what to do with it. 

“I’m sorry Sara.” 

Sara frowned, eyes flickering back up to meet Zari’s. “What do you mean? What are _ you _sorry for?” 

Zari’s stew on the stove started bubbling before she could reply, and she turned, switched off the element and shifted the pot off the heat. She paused with her back to Sara for a moment before sighing and turning back to face Sara, something in her eyes that Sara wasn’t used to seeing on Zari. 

“Z?” Sara said uneasily. 

“I haven’t been here,” said Zari, straightening her sweater a little uncomfortably. “For you, I mean. We … we both came back here with next to nothing but I just - I fit back in and fitting back in with everybody else meant taking their side, I guess, when it came to you. That wasn’t fair.” 

Sara’s breath caught in her throat. “Z, it’s okay -” 

“It’s not though,” interrupted Zari. “One of the reasons you stayed was because I convinced you to so that we could do this together. Figure out our lives back in Star City again. But once I got my life on track here, I kinda just left you out in the cold.” 

Sara glanced down, picking at her sleeves uncomfortably. “It’s fine Zari. I … I had Ray. And … I made up with Nate. I got back in touch with Thea and … even Constantine’s been as close to a friend as you can expect from John Constantine.” 

“Yeah, eventually,” said Zari with no semblance in her voice of letting Sara drop this. “But for weeks you were just … miserable. And alone.” 

“I wasn’t alone,” Sara tried to argue weakly. “I hung out with everybody.” 

“But nobody made an effort,” said Zari. “You had to be the one to rebuild everything with them. It shouldn’t be on one person to close five years of distance, I should’ve been there. It wasn’t until this week - until Ava came in and told us what had happened to Jordan’s dad and …” Zari shook her head, an almost angry scoff slipping from her lips. “_ God _ , nobody even looked at you. It didn’t occur to any of them. Not even Ray, or Amaya, and certainly not Ava. All I could think of was that day of the wake, when everyone else just left except for me and Jax. I was sitting there while everyone was talking about Jordan and asking Ava how she was and you looked like a ghost, Sara. And I knew if Jax was here, he’d have noticed too, but he wasn’t. And I realised that at the end of the day, I’m the person you have in your corner, and you deserved better from me these last couple of months. You deserved me to point out that Ava had been just as bad as you in terms of getting along at first. You deserved me to be your _ friend _ , to tell everybody else that you were trying, that it wasn’t on you to try and fix things. You deserved to have someone fighting for you. To have _ me _fighting for you. So … I’m sorry, Sara. I’m sorry you had to do this all on your own.” 

It had already been a Day - it had already been a _ Week _\- and if Sara could have, she would’ve fought the tears burning behind her eyelids, but she couldn’t. She and Zari didn’t do the whole mushy, emotional thing, but Zari had started it, and she didn’t seem to mind tugging Sara forward into a hug, squeezing tighter when the tears spilled over onto Sara’s cheeks and a muffled sniff slipped past Sara’s lips. 

“I got you,” Zari said, voice barely above a whisper and Sara nodded, ducking her head into Zari’s shoulder. 

“I know.” 

* * *

  
  


They hadn’t talked since their fight. There hadn’t been time - Jordan was trying to piece herself back together, and they all had work. Ava was busy organising a conference that she’d avoided thinking about for the past week and a half, and with first semester classes coming to a close, Sara had found herself spending late nights marking at Nate’s apartment, complaining about why second year college students still thought they could get away with citing Wikipedia articles. Suddenly it was Wally’s birthday and then Amaya was demanding to know who was free for a Friendsgiving dinner before everybody went away for _ actual _ Thanksgiving and they were all forced to make mac n’ cheese and pies and side salads and stuffing and Sara blinked and suddenly it was the end of November and she’d been in Star City for two and a half months and even though she said she was just gonna stick around for a little while to see whether she liked it here, she knew, then, sitting around the table with a wine glass in her hands _ cheers- _ing to a happy Thanksgiving, that she wasn’t going back to LA anytime soon. 

It was that night, when Sara stepped out onto the fire escape of Amaya’s apartment to get a breath of fresh air (and a moment of quiet), that they talked. 

Ava ducked through the window a few moments after Sara, shivering a little at the almost-winter chill in the air and pulling her sweater sleeves over her hands. Sara glanced over her shoulder at the _ clang _of shoes landing on the fire escape, unable to mask the hesitance that flashed across her face when she saw Ava. 

“I’m not here to argue,” said Ava immediately, her voice soft and a little raspy the way it always was when she drank red wine. Sara looked down, leaning against the railing as the very faint hints of fight she had left in her evaporated into the freezing air. 

“Okay,” she said quietly, picking at a loose thread in her own sweater. 

Ava sighed, crossing the small space between them to stand beside Sara, not close enough to touch - they weren’t even close enough to feel the vague warmth of each other’s presence, but she was there. Ava also looked down. 

(She was wearing those shoes Sara hated.) 

“I was in London,” Ava said finally. “I … I had been sent there for work. For a conference. One of my first ones for the company. I was presenting. It … it was a once in a lifetime opportunity.” Sara stiffened, but she didn’t move to leave. Ava seemed to take that as a good sign and sucked in a breath. “Amaya called. She told me what happened and … god Sara, I cried for _ hours _in my hotel room. I couldn’t believe it. Your dad always seemed like he was invincible to me.” She sniffed, exhaling slowly. “I called my boss and said someone in my family had died and I had to come back to the states right away.” 

Sara glanced up then, not even bothering to hide her shock. Ava still didn’t look up, but Sara knew she could see her out of the corner of her eye. “I had the flights booked,” Ava continued quietly. “I had a black dress on so I could come to the funeral straight from the airport. I didn’t even have my luggage on my flight because I knew checking in a bag would hold me up - I just got a coworker to send it home after me with the next flight. But when I got to the airport, my flight got delayed because of a snowstorm. They kept pushing it back - it kept circling and then flying away because it couldn’t land, and then eventually, they cancelled it. I tried _ so _hard. I tried buying different flights but nothing was flying out that night. I tried organising a train somewhere else to fly over but none of it would’ve gotten me there in time.” She closed her eyes, shaking her head. “I’m sorry Sara. You have no idea how badly I wanted to be there.” 

She didn’t wait for Sara to reply, finally looking up, reaching over to squeeze Sara’s forearm, and then moving to duck back through the window into the apartment. 

“Ava,” said Sara, voice thick.

Ava paused, turning around from in front of the window. 

Sara brushed away her hair that had come loose in the wind. “Why … why didn’t you call?” 

Ava swallowed, shrugging a little. “I tried. I was in London, the calls wouldn’t go through from my phone. When I did eventually get home, I tried sending you a text with the number Nate gave me but you never replied. We were blocked on every other social media, I didn’t know how else to reach you.” 

Sara laughed flatly, glancing up at the unsurprisingly overcast sky. She'd blamed Ava for so much since she got back, but this was entirely on her. It wasn't Ava who had severed the last remaining ties they had. “I got a new phone,” she said, eyes watering from the cold. (Just the cold, she told herself.) “My old one was fried and Laurel gave me a hard time about being completely off the radar so … a couple of days after the funeral, I … I got a new phone.” 

Ava frowned. “Why didn’t Nate have your new number?” 

Sara sighed, sliding her hands into her pockets. “I was so grateful everybody came to the funeral,” she said, her voice slow as she filtered through the memories of that awful, unbearable week. “But it was weird even then. I … I’d pushed everybody away and we all felt that distance. I didn’t know it then, but now I realise that given how close you’d all become since I left, it would’ve been really strange for them to see me again so suddenly. Everyone was there and they were sweet and lovely, and it meant everything. But eventually they all had to go. Back to their lives, their jobs - everything they had that I didn’t fit into. After the funeral, Jax and Zari were the only ones who kept showing up. Everyone else tried, and -” Sara shrugged self-deprecatingly, “you can definitely blame the fact that I pushed them away.” She paused. “_ You _were the one I wanted.” 

Ava looked away, hands coming up to quickly wipe her eyes. 

“Jax and Z didn’t accept that,” said Sara. “They didn’t _ let _ me push them away. I couldn’t help but feel bitter that the others didn’t do the same, that … that they didn’t remember the kind of person I was, who would would let them in if they just kept _ trying _a little bit more. I ended up leaving Star City early, and when I got the new phone, Jax and Z were the only ones of our friends I gave the new number to.” 

A sad but still somewhat amused smile appeared on Ava’s face. “I thought you were ignoring me out of spite.” 

“And I thought you just hadn’t bothered to show up,” said Sara, finally meeting Ava’s eye. 

Ava immediately looked away and sighed. “I’m so sorry Sara,” she said. 

“You’ve said that already,” said Sara. “It’s okay.” 

“I’m not talking about the funeral,” Ava said, swallowing. “About the last few months.” 

Sara frowned, curling her fingers around the fire escape railing as her stomach jolted anxiously. “Did Z put you up to this?” 

Ava laughed shortly. “No. Our fight about Jordan and her dad, and what you said about Quentin’s funeral - it just … it reminded me how much time we don’t have. How quickly it all goes.” 

“Death tends to break on those kinds of existential crises,” Sara quipped and Ava gave her a half-hearted glower. 

“I don’t understand why you stayed,” Ava said with brutal honesty, and she must’ve seen the flash of hurt and confusion across Sara’s face because she quickly added, “I don’t mean that I want you to leave - I just meant … we were all awful to you. I was holding you responsible for - god, I don’t even know what. For leaving, I guess. I think you accepted that what we had was crumbling before I did, and when you left for LA I wasn't ready for you to go. And the others … we’d all gotten so close these past years and it was like they thought they were protecting me from you by pushing you even further away.” She scoffed a little bitterly. “Like there wasn't enough distance between you and them already.” Her eyes reluctantly met Sara’s again and Sara was astonished by the overwhelming guilt she saw. “I know that you’re the one that left in the first place but … you _ came back. _You came back and you stayed even when you probably felt that you had no reason to and nobody gave you enough credit for that. I never wanted to be someone who came between you and the others, Sara. You’re the reason I have them in the first place, and I know they’re the closest thing you have to family. I’m so sorry for that. I know they are too, and I know it’s probably gonna take a lot for you to trust all of us again properly.” 

Neither of them spoke for a long time. Sara hadn’t expected any of this. She thought her imagination had exhausted every possible reason why Ava hadn’t been there when Quentin died, but she’d never thought that she’d actually get an explanation for it, let alone an apology for the loneliness Sara had experienced since moving back to Star City. She bit her lip, a question resting heavily on the tip her tongue. 

“What is it?” asked Ava, a spark of amusement in her voice and Sara raised an eyebrow at her. Ava shrugged. “You’ve got that _ I have a burning need to ask one more thing _plastered all over your face.” 

Sara flushed, chuckling a little as she ran her fingers through her hair. “I know we’ve always kept each other on our toes,” she said, testing out her words carefully. “Before we dated, we spent a whole year arguing and bickering and winding each other up before we ever realised that if we stopped fighting long enough, we could actually become pretty good friends.”

Ava nodded. 

“I didn’t expect us to be friends like that when I came back,” Sara continued, not sure if she was brave enough to look at Ava’s expression. “But you seemed to hate me _ more _. More than just our usual arguments and more than just the fact that I left and was kind of a bitch and cut you off completely. And hating me more than that seemed pretty extreme, even for you.” 

Ava seemed to slouch against the windowsill tiredly, hanging her head a little so that her long hair fell from where it rested on her shoulders, shielding her face for the seconds of quiet that felt like an eternity. When she did glance up again, the regret and guilt Sara had caught flashes of earlier had returned. 

“Even though we both saw it coming, us breaking up crushed me so much more than I’d ever thought it would,” Ava said, her voice hoarse and honest and vulnerable in a way Sara hadn’t heard it in a very long time. “It took me so long to put myself back together and it was nearly impossible to force myself to keep doing the things I had planned to do with you.” 

_ You did better than me then, _Sara thought to herself. 

“I was afraid that I wasn’t strong enough to let you in and not crumble like that again,” said Ava truthfully. “I … I was trying to protect myself. Protect what I had with Jordan, and the life I’d built. Not from _ you _because I knew, deep down, you would never do anything to ruin it even though I know I didn’t act like it. I guess I was protecting it all from me, because it had been so long and I was so unsure and scared of letting you in again.” Ava grimaced. “I know I treated you like shit.” 

“I gave out as good as I got,” said Sara immediately. “Don’t you worry Sharpe.” 

Ava grinned but it didn’t quite meet her eyes, and the brunt of her expression was an exhausted kind of apologetic that made Sara feel as though the world had shifted on its axis. It kind of had. As they stood there, Sara knew that they both felt the enormity of this - of the fact that everything about how they’d each remembered the last few years, of the reasons for their distance and frustration at each other - was suddenly different. A gentle wind picked up, making the leaves piled on the streets below them shift and go dancing down the sidewalks, and blowing Sara’s hair into her face and rustling the ends of Ava’s scarf wrapped tight around her shoulders.

“We should go inside,” said Sara finally. “It’s getting cold. Plus I’m pretty sure Amaya made about 5 different types of dessert.” 

She didn’t really want to go back in. She’d missed the chill of Star City Novembers. Missed the distinct hum of dark, winter nights. (And more than anything, she’d missed _ this. _She’d missed feeling like she could breathe around Ava, even taking all the romantic feelings out of it.)

Ava chuckled, but it trailed off quickly, her eyes scouring Sara’s face carefully and Sara’s stomach swooped at the realisation that Ava knew exactly what she was thinking. Ava pushed herself off the window ledge, wandering back towards Sara and resting her forearms on the fire escape railing, gazing out at the city. “I think she’ll give us a few more minutes.” 


	9. it all seems worse (those deep days of december)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "It had been freezing for weeks now, and she’d been waiting for this with bated breath. The few times she had missed the snow, it had been this that she needed. Lazy days with not much to do, snow piling up on the ground and bringing a strange calm with it, the city she loved turning white just in time for Christmas. She was fairly sure most people would say the same about their hometowns, but when it snowed, Star City was one of the most beautiful places in the world, and she couldn’t wait to find time at some point today or later this week to wander around in the snow, rediscovering all the places she’d missed seeing like this over the past five years."
> 
> or
> 
> winter rolls around, and while jordan works on her grief, sara remembers her first winter with ava.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi team! 
> 
> v sorry we didn't upload yesterday although I think with time differences and shit it might actually still be normal timing? honestly i've been travelling so much so i genuinely have no idea about what time or day or date it is. life again got the better of us this week and we didn't quite have enough written of our most recent chapter to justify posting this one until we had more done. buuuut we've hacked away at it a little bit so here you go!! this one's a bit short but it's heartfelt, so we hope u like it! 
> 
> (the overall vibe for this chapter is the song winter never comes by paper aeroplanes so pls listen to that!!! but, chapter title is from good love lives on also by paper aeroplanes <3)

** _December, 2019:_ **

Snowflakes had been swirling up against Sara’s window when she woke up, the street outside almost completely obscured, and she couldn’t help but smile at the sight. There had only been a couple of occasions in LA when she’d missed the snow - she’d usually been too preoccupied, too busy avoiding memories that she shared with Ava, and she hadn’t wanted to spend time thinking about days like these when they’d woken up to find the world frozen outside and had been able to pull the duvet back up to her chin, curling around Ava in bed, sinking back into Ava’s warmth because class was canceled and for one blissful day their busy schedules didn’t matter. 

It had been freezing for weeks now, and she’d been waiting for this with bated breath. The few times she had missed the snow, it had been this that she needed. Lazy days with not much to do, snow piling up on the ground and bringing a strange calm with it, the city she loved turning white just in time for Christmas. She was fairly sure most people would say the same about their hometowns, but when it snowed, Star City was one of the most beautiful places in the world, and she couldn’t wait to find time at some point today or later this week to wander around in the snow, rediscovering all the places she’d missed seeing like this over the past five years. 

Zari had already left for work, or Sara would have dragged her outside there and then. Instead, she slipped her feet into her slippers and pulled an overly fuzzy jumper on, making her way to the kitchen to find some breakfast. She’d need to clear the snow off her car at some point - despite the fact that given the amount of snow that had fallen overnight, Sara was sure SCU would call a snow day, she still had some jobs at the museum she had to finish this week - but it could wait a little while.

The moment she went outside, Sara knew she might start to remember why some people moved to places like LA to escape the snow. She might remember why she rarely missed the snow when she wasn’t around. And once she was more awake, she would undoubtedly have to fight back the memories of mornings like these, both the ones spent with Ava and the ones that came before. For now though, she was content to watch the snowstorm outside ease off, fixing herself some breakfast as sunlight finally started to filter through the clouds.

  
  


Sara stood in front of her car with a brush in one hand and a bucket of water in the other, already exhausted despite not having begun de-icing her car yet. She’d never hated this before - but then again, she’d never had to do this alone before. Back when she’d been living in Star City, in every situation like this, she’d wake up to find Quentin with his hat and coat on, looking around the house for the gloves he had lost the year before so he could come outside and help her. 

He would grin at her, teasing her about the snowflakes stuck in her hair, occasionally tossing a snowball in her direction and starting a fight that he knew he couldn’t win, but loved being a part of. Despite the freezing temperatures and the icy roads and the extra effort they both had to put in in the morning before she could leave for school, those mornings had been some of Sara’s favourites. 

Just her, and her dad, and a quiet, muffled world buzzing with the magical possibilities that only seemed to appear when it snowed.

The cold seeped through Sara’s gloves and she shivered. It was stupid, and people did this by themselves everyday all across the city, but clearing the driveway and removing the snow from her car seemed like a mamoth task on her own. Her dad would smile fondly at her, if he was around right now - or at least, she liked to think he would. He’d be proud of her for getting a job at the museum, he’d be proud of her for reconnecting with her friends, and he’d be proud of her for coming back and sticking around rather than running away. She hadn’t planned on it, but she’d been back in Star City for months now - it didn’t look as if she was going anywhere else any time soon.

Sara sighed, pulling her scarf tighter around her neck and then getting to work shoveling the driveway, 

At least now her memories of her father weren’t all tainted by her memories of the funeral, memories of waiting hopelessly for Ava to turn up, certain that she would, watching everyone else’s faces fall because they could see her crumbling and knew that the one person she needed most wasn’t going to be there for her. The story Ava had weaved checked out - and not just because even now, three years later, Sara was desperate to believe her. All she had needed was some excuse or reason as to  _ why _ Ava hadn’t been there. Despite her anger and confusion and the turmoil that had made its home inside of her and reappeared every time she thought about this all, she’d still wanted to believe Ava cared.

And she had.

She just hadn’t been able to show it, due to circumstances far beyond her control.

They had no way of going back and changing things, but for now, knowing that Ava had tried was enough. Sara exhaled slowly, standing up to straighten her back, wincing when something clicked back into place. 

“Need a hand?” 

Sara turned, and Jordan grinned at her from the end of her driveway. Her grey knitted bobble hat was pulled down low over her ears, her matching scarf partially obscuring her bright smile, but not managing to hide the bags under her eyes or the exhaustion in her expression, at least not to Sara - she’d seen it in the mirror far too many times to ignore. Jordan carefully started making her way down the driveway, avoiding the piles of snow Sara had cleared, and Sara waited until she was closer to pull her into a hug. 

She’d stopped avoiding Jordan after she and Ava had talked, mostly. Their argument, and consequent conversation on the balcony of Amaya’s apartment had managed to uncap the bottle Sara had spent years forcing these feelings into, and the pressure that had been building since coming back to Star City had dissipated. That said, she’d been cautious to spend time alone with Jordan, avoiding her usual cafe in case they bumped into each other, only hanging out when they got together as a group, attempting to give Jordan space because part of her knew that even know, there was still a risk of making this about her.

But Jordan was here. This apartment was on the other side of town to hers, and nowhere near her work, or anywhere else she might need to be. The only reason Jordan had for being here was to see her.

Jordan exhaled shakily, and Sara pulled away, unable to hide her frown. “Are you okay?” she asked quietly, but Jordan avoided the question, instead glancing over to Sara’s brush, propped up against the car.

“Are you busy?”

Sara shook her head. “I’m working this afternoon, but I’ve got a few hours.” 

Jordan exhaled again, wiping the expression that had been present before off of her face and replacing it with another smile, genuine enough that it could have fooled Sara, had she not known better. “Got another brush?” she asked, continuing quickly when Sara thought about interrupting. “I meant it, when I offered to help. I came to talk to you, but it can wait.”

Sara looked at her for a long moment, not sure which direction to push this in. It probably  _ could  _ wait - but sometimes, waiting made things worse. Although since she didn’t know why Jordan was here in the first place, it wouldn’t be fair on her to push - if she wasn’t ready to talk yet, Sara could respect that. “Here,” she said, offering Jordan the brush she was holding. “There’s another one in the shed round the back, I’ll go get it.”

Jordan smiled at her again, and then set to work.

They’d almost finished shoveling the snow from the drive leading out of the apartment building’s garage. Sara’s car engine was on and humming, but Sara had only used the car a handful of times so far so it was taking its sweet time to properly warm up. It was a recent purchase - Star City didn’t have the best public transport and  _ Verdant  _ was on the opposite side of the city from the university and the museum, so Sara had discovered getting a car was kind of necessary as she settled in here. Jordan was clearly a seasoned expert at this though, which Sara wasn’t surprised by. It snowed in Star City most years, and for as many years as Sara had been in the least snowy place possible, Jordan had been here. 

She wasn’t sure what exactly Jordan might have wanted to see her for. She assumed it was about Sara avoiding her before Thanksgiving, or about Sara and Ava’s fight, which Sara was sure Ava would have told Jordan about. But when Sara’s car engine finally started to radiate some heat and Jordan got up to brush some of the snow off of the windshield, Sara wasn’t expecting Jordan to pause and then quickly blurt out “How did you do it?” 

Sara stopped, frowned and glanced over at Jordan. “Do what?” 

Jordan hesitated. “Deal with your dad’s death,” she said, her voice barely audible over the hum of the car and the scrapes of people shovelling the sidewalks along the street. Sara’s breath caught in her throat, and she could see the uncertainty and vulnerability in Jordan’s eyes. That, coupled with the dark circles, the gaunt cheeks, the limp looking hair and the way Jordan barely seemed stable standing on her own two feet was uncomfortably familiar for Sara and she sighed, letting the shovel fall to the ground and walking over to lean against the car beside Jordan. 

“You know me,” she said quietly, slipping her hands into her jacket pockets. “I deal with things badly.” 

Jordan let out a short but genuine laugh. “Oh boy.” 

Sara grinned. “I uh, I did that super healthy thing called cutting off everybody who cared about me. I also experimented with this definitely therapist unapproved technique of repressing all my feelings and working myself to the point of exhaustion so I didn’t have to think about it. I even, shockingly, made the really wise decision of using sex as a coping mechanism and sleeping around as a way to just feel  _ anything  _ that wasn’t grief.” 

Jordan whistled softly. “Sounds really healthy.” 

“Oh, you’ve never met anyone who can handle their grief as superbly as I can,” said Sara sarcastically, nudging Jordan with a gentle smile and Jordan laughed again, a little stronger this time, before sighing and dropping her eyes to her snow covered boots. 

“Any recommendations then?” she asked, voice cracking a little. 

Sara let out a slow exhale. “It’s different for everybody,” she said and Jordan snorted with distinct bitterness. 

“That’s what I keep getting told,” she muttered. 

Sara shook her head. “I don’t mean it the way everyone says it. I mean - your relationship with your dad was so different from mine. Ava said you barely had a relationship with your parents before all this.” 

“Yeah,” said Jordan, picking at the cuffs of her sleeves that were peeking past the ends of her sweater. “I uh … I came out in junior year of high school. They weren’t too happy about it at all. They were never religious or outwardly homophobic or anything but … I dunno. They were raised pretty conservatively and they were the  _ I don’t care if people are gay as long as nobody I know is gay  _ kind of people, you know? So when their daughter was like ‘surprise I’m a giant lesbian’, it’s safe to say that the house became tense. I figured they’d get over it after a few months but they never did and I got sick of the whispers and the looks and the little comments that just dug deeper and deeper so eventually I just … left. Lived with my aunt until I finished high school and then moved away to college and never went home again.” 

“God, that sounds awful,” said Sara softly, reaching out to squeeze Jordan’s arm. “I’m sorry.” 

Jordan shrugged. “It hurt for a bit. Being 18 and having no family in your corner though - you build your own family real quick, and I did. Somebody always invited me over for Thanksgiving and Christmas, so I was never truly alone as long as I reached out to people.” 

Sara grimaced.  _ I was never truly alone as long as I reached out to people _ . Jordan had definitely been more self aware than her. 

“It occurred to me at some point that it wouldn’t matter to me if either of my parents died because they weren’t my parents anymore,” said Jordan, glancing over at Sara with a desperate kind of glazed look in her eyes. “How fucked up is that?” 

“It’s not,” said Sara immediately, even though she knew that yeah, that was just a little fucked up. 

Jordan didn’t reply for several moments, hugging herself tightly. “Then he  _ did  _ die and I just - I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how I felt or how I was  _ supposed  _ to feel. I hadn’t seen my family in like, 10 years and suddenly there they all were and there I am with my damn  _ fiancee  _ and my dad is dead and I didn’t know if I loved him or hated him or if I was even allowed to hate him right now and absolutely nothing made sense and it still doesn’t, but it’s been almost a month and I have to go back to my life like nothing’s changed. And that’s the worst bit. Nothing  _ has  _ changed. My life -  _ my  _ life, the one I built for myself - is still exactly the same. But I can’t slip back into it because even though it happened outside of my orbit, my dad’s dead and I feel like the world is supposed to have monumentally shifted because of it. But it hasn’t.” She finally stopped, letting out a long, shaky exhale as though she’d been holding her breath the entire time she’d been speaking. (Sara suspected she had). Jordan looked back over at her, eyes wide and glinting with tears and pleading for an answer. “How did you do it Sara?” she asked brokenly. 

Sara turned, leaning her left hip against the car and feeling the chill of the cold metal against the flash of exposed skin above her hip. She didn’t move though, just reached out to smooth Jordan’s hair comfortingly. “Like I said,” she said softly, “you had a different relationship with your dad than I did. He and my mom split when I was a kid, and he raised me and my sister by himself. He was the one who supported us through everything, so when I came out, he was right there in my corner. I was raised in Star City, so when I stayed here for college, even though I moved into the dorms, I came home every Sunday to have dinner with him. Even when I moved to LA, I called him at least once a week.” She sucked in a sharp breath. "I’m not saying this to hurt you, I swear -” 

“No, I know,” said Jordan quickly. 

“I just need you to see,” said Sara. “When my dad died, I wasn’t left with any regrets about our relationship. I didn’t have the questions and  _ what if’s _ that you do. Not … not about him.” 

Jordan’s eyes flickered and she smiled a little wryly. “About Ava though,” she said knowingly and Sara’s eyebrows arched in surprise. Okay, so Ava  _ had  _ told her everything then. Sara hadn’t expected she would lie, but she wasn’t sure if Ava would tell her the whole story. 

“It’s not like it sounds,” said Sara, uncertain for the first time. “It wasn’t … it wasn’t like  _ that  _ -” 

“I know,” Jordan interrupted again, her eyes softer. “That’s not what I meant.” She furrowed her eyebrows. “If I’d heard about everything that happened around your dad’s funeral - both yours and Ava’s side of it - before all of this with  _ my  _ dad happened, I think I’d feel weird about it. Jealous, or at least uncomfortable.” 

“You don’t though?” said Sara in surprise. 

Jordan shook her head. “Nothing I’ve been feeling for the last month has made any sense to me. I’m just … confused and jumbled and hurting all the time. You and Ava wanting to see each other when your dad died … I get it. I’d want exactly the same thing if I was in either of your shoes.” She pushed her hair away from her face. “Besides. I have no reason to be jealous, Sara. Ava and I hadn’t even met then.” 

Sara felt a sudden surge of respect and admiration for Jordan. She really hadn’t given her enough credit for being so understanding and easy-going with the complicated Sara and Ava situation she was tangled in. 

“That’s what I was trying to get at before,” she said, quickly adding, “not the me and Ava stuff. But the feeling confused and jumbled and hurting all the time. Even me, who had the most perfect relationship I could have with my dad, felt like that when he died. I didn’t have the stuff I had to work through that you did - all the history and the loose ends. But it still felt the same. I think for you, you’re always gonna have questions. And there’s always gonna be a little voice in your head reminding you of the distance you had. But I can promise you Jordan, the hurt and the jumbled confused sick feeling goes away. I know it feels insane to just go back to a normal routine, but it helps. Don’t stray from your routine okay? Don’t pick up extra shifts or don’t drop any shifts. Don’t go out partying more than usual but don’t avoid going out for a drink on a Friday night, you know? Don’t spend every minute with people to try and avoid your thoughts catching up to you but don’t spend every second by yourself so all you’re doing is drowning in your regrets. Live your normal life as best you can, and that little ache of grief will slot itself in place exactly where it needs to be to be a part of you.” She gently squeezed Jordan’s shoulder. “And you can come talk to me whenever you need to.” 

Jordan looked hesitant. “Are you sure?” she asked quietly. “I know you were a little distant last month because of this and I don’t want to bring up anything that’ll hurt you -” 

“I was distant because I didn’t want to make your pain about me,” said Sara firmly, “and because I knew you probably weren’t at the place where you wanted to compare  _ dead dad  _ stories because you hadn’t quite processed the actual bit about your dad being dead.” 

Jordan snorted with laughter, even as tears slipped from the corners of her eyes. 

“But I think you’re now at the point where all you can do is talk,” said Sara, smiling sadly. “And it doesn’t necessarily help things make  _ sense  _ but it helps. Somehow. I don’t really know how, but it does. So I’m here, okay?” 

  
  


* * *

  
  


** _December, 2011:_ **

_ Sara was in the garage when the first flakes started to fall, but it didn’t take long for her and Jax to notice. She’d been hanging out here more and more recently, now Jax was officially working here, rather than occasionally helping out here and there at the weekends. It suited him, and he always seemed to be in his element standing in front of her with his sleeves rolled up, elbow deep in a car engine or whatever else he was working on at the time. It was a place where she was comfortable, and more importantly right now - somewhere with enough background noise that she could try to sort through the thoughts she couldn’t ignore, but without inquisitive, nosy friends desperate to hear those thoughts out loud. _

_ According to Zari, she always had a particular expression on her face when she was thinking about Ava. Almost a smile, but a little far away, fond and private and not meant for anyone to see. She couldn’t seem to keep it to herself, because when she let her thoughts stray, she inevitably ended up with Zari’s elbow in her ribs, along with a raised eyebrow and a knowing, teasing smirk. If she was lucky Zari would spare her the familiar ‘so, when are you planning to do something about this?’, but in the last few weeks Zari had asked her over and over again. _

_ The truth was, she didn’t know what she could do. There was  _ ** _something_ ** _ between her and Ava, but it was just that - something. Not anything she could put into words, not anything that had any kind of meaning she could quantify. She didn’t know where they stood, and although she - and her friends, apparently - could guess, she wasn’t willing to put everything they had on the line when she might have misread the situation completely. _

_ It wasn’t just Zari - Jax was just as fond of teasing her. But he at least seemed to know when he could get away with it, and when to give her space to think. And here, in the garage, whilst he was working, he never asked. He’d let her sit cross legged on the empty workbench near the window for hours if she wanted, never bringing this up, completely absorbed in his work until she distracted him, dragging his attention away. _

_ This time, it was the snow that did it. Sara had been staring out of the window for what felt like hours when the first flakes fell, and it took her a moment or two to notice, but once she had it took barely any effort at all to drag Jax away from his work, pulling him outside with a soft, excited laugh. They’d both lived here all their lives, but the excitement that accompanied the first snow of the year never got old. They weren’t dressed for it - neither of them had stopped to grab hats or scarves - but it didn’t matter; the cold always seemed irrelevant when it was snowing. Sara spun round, catching snowflakes on her fingertips and watching as they melted, disappearing as if they’d never been there.  _

_ The pavement in the yard was turning white, barely visible except for where they’d walked, and suddenly, Jax turned to her, eyes shining with mirth. “Oh, so this is what it takes to drag your mind away from Ava,” he laughed softly, and Sara rolled her eyes, well aware that the blush on her cheeks wasn’t just from the cold. She couldn’t protest - there didn’t seem to be any point. Jax knew her too well, and she couldn’t keep her smile off her face either way.  _

_ Accidentally, Sara’s mind strayed back to Ava. She was on her way to meet them, in theory - she and Sara had been planning on going in to town, getting some early Christmas shopping out of the way and then finding a nice cafe to sit in and do some of their many end of term college assignments. She wasn’t sure how far Ava had come, or if she’d get here at all in this weather, as someone who’d never spent much time in the snow at all. _

_ “Oh,” Sara said quietly, and Jax paused. “Ava’s from California.” _

_ He didn’t have to ask what had come to Sara’s mind, because she spilled it without thinking. “She’s never seen snow.” _

_ “What, never?” Jax asked, and Sara shook her head. _

_ “We were talking about it the other week,” she said. “Remember, it only snowed for a few days during Christmas break last year and Ava had gone home during it.” Ava had laughed excitedly as Sara told her emphatically how much she was missing, promising that when it eventually did snow this year she’d drag Ava outside to build a snowman, and make sure she got to experience the full Hallmark movie Christmas wonder, festive and exciting and something she desperately needed in her life. _

_ Ava had rolled her eyes fondly, unable to stop Sara’s infectious excitement from reaching her too. _

_ “What about like, ski trips and stuff?” said Jax, wiping his car greasy hands on his jeans. “Isn’t her family like, rich as hell?”  _

_ “Her mom hates the cold,” said Sara. “They never go on vacations to the mountains or anything. She’s literally  _ ** _never_ ** _ seen snow Jax, how crazy is that?”  _

_ Jax laughed again, softly.. “The first snow is always magical,” he agreed, smile widening. “And romantic.” _

_ Sara rolled her eyes at him, reaching down to grab a handful of snow and tossing it in his direction. _

_ “Hey!” Jax exclaimed, and Sara dodged the snowball he tossed back, still partly wishing that Ava could be here too. As if on cue Sara’s phone rang, and she fished it out of her pocket with slightly numb fingers, dodging another snowball and swiping up to accept Ava’s call. _

_ “Hey!” she answered, a little breathless, holding her free hand up towards Jax in defeat. He shrugged with a smirk that assured her there was going to be a rematch later, but dropped his snowball to the ground, letting her take the call.  _

_ “Hey,” Ava responded, quiet and equally breathless but more in awe or due to the cold than because she’d been running away from her pseudo-little brother whilst trying not to get hit in the face by flying snow. “It’s snowing,” Ava continued, and Sara’s smile widened, knowing full well that Jax was going to tease her about the affection in her eyes later, but not even remotely caring. _

_ “It is,” Sara agreed, smile audible.  _

_ “It’s…” Ava started, but trailed off as if she didn’t know what she’d really called to say, other than to express her wonder. Sara’s heart skipped a beat, and a familiar, Ava-related warmth spread out from her chest, creeping through her body and making her fingers tingle. Ava hadn’t had any reason to call her, other than wanting to share this moment with her. She’d wanted Sara to feel whatever it was she was feeling, she’d wanted Sara to be a part of experiencing this with her, she’d wanted Sara to know that she’d been right, the first snow  _ ** _was_ ** _ special, and she was loving every second of it. _

_ “I feel like I’m in a Christmas movie,” Ava admitted, and Sara closed her eyes for a moment, letting the awe in Ava’s voice wash over her. She could imagine Ava right now, walking towards the garage to meet her, fingers tucked firmly in her pockets inside of thick gloves, coat buttoned up to her neck to keep her warm, snowflakes caught in her hair and her eyelashes because she couldn’t stop herself from looking up to watch the snow fall.  _

_ “I wish you were here,” Sara said softly, cautious of sharing too much of herself but unable to stop. She’d give Ava her heart there and then, if she wasn’t sure Ava already had it.  _

_ She couldn’t see Ava, but she could imagine the smile spreading across her lips as she made her way through the streets, muffled and calm, except for the other people who had come outside to look, watching the world slowly covered by a blanket of snow. Ava stayed silent for a moment, her breathing the only sound coming through the phone, not needing to speak to enjoy this moment with Sara. Eventually, she quietly said “Turn around,” and Sara immediately spun round to find Ava walking towards her, carefully making her way through the few inches of snow which had already fallen. _

_ Jax slipped in front of her, distracting her from Ava for a moment. “I should get back to work,” he said, holding off of the teasing till later. “Don’t stay out so long you get hypothermia.” _

_ Sara rolled her eyes, resisting the urge to elbow him in the ribs yet again, and Jax laughed. They both knew he was kidding. They’d grown up running around in snow in far too little clothing - Jax wearing shorts and a sweatshirt, Sara in gym tights, a t-shirt and trainers that got soaked the minute she stepped outside. It wouldn’t get unbearably freezing for at least a few more weeks, but Jax slipped away before she had the chance to come up with a joking retort. Ava watched him go, finally close enough that Sara could see her expression. Ava glanced around at the fresh snow in the yard, eyes landing on the snow angel Jax had made whilst Sara had been on the phone. “Hey,” she repeated, this time in person.  _

_ Her smile was as breathtaking as Sara had imagined it, eyes crinkling slightly at the corners as she reached over to brush some snow from Sara’s hair with gloved fingers. It was pointless - the snow kept falling, so Ava’s gesture made no difference - but it did bring them closer, and it did - as always - send the butterflies in Sara’s stomach into overdrive. Sara bit her bottom lip slightly to stop herself from saying something stupid, and Ava reached out to take her hand. _

_ “You’re freezing!” she exclaimed, holding Sara’s fingers between both hands to warm them up. Sara shrugged, and Ava rolled her eyes. “You should’ve stopped to put a coat on. And gloves.” _

_ “Just ‘cause you’re always cold,” Sara argued, smirking. “Thing is Miss California, when you grow up somewhere where the weather actually drops below 40 degrees, this isn’t actually that cold.” Ava rolled her eyes yet again.  _

_ “Sara, it’s literally  _ ** _snowing_ ** _ .” _

_ Sara could tell Ava recognised the twinkle in her eyes before Sara acted on it, but before she had any real chance to process what was about to happen Sara was spinning them both around in the snow, snowflakes dancing around them, the world blurring into one white canvas. The only thing staying still while she spun them was Ava - Ava with her flushed cheeks, slightly pink nose, hair flying out behind them as they spun. Sara twirled Ava under her arm, and Ava laughed, even brighter than before, then stumbled a little as they slowed down. She kept hold of Sara’s hand and used it to pull them both back towards the garage, out of breath ...but wonderfully, perfectly happy. _

_ “So what do you think?” Sara asked, pausing just outside the garage door to draw a heart in the snow with her toe.  _

_ Ava slipped one arm around her shoulders, pulling her close, taking one final look at the snow-covered yard, knowing the snow would be even deeper by the time she and Sara had warmed up and were ready to head towards town. “I love it,” Ava said softly, the magic from earlier returning to her voice. Sara smiled, ducking her head down to hide her expression, knowing without a doubt that everything her friends had been teasing her about was true. If someone had handed her a mirror right then, she knew she’d see the smitten expression Jax and Zari kept mentioning, and right now, she couldn’t hide it if she tried. _

_ But because it was snowing, and everything seemed perfect and clean and a little bit magical, she didn’t try. Instead Sara looked up to meet Ava’s eyes, leaning closer into her side and letting Ava’s warmth radiate through her coat, warming her up. “Yeah,” she said softly, heart skipping a beat. “I love it too.” _

  
  



	10. going home, take the long way round (lights pass, sit back with the windows down)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Sara shook her head, something warm fluttering in her chest. “Guys, you don’t have to. I - I don’t really celebrate my birthday anymore.” 
> 
> Recognition flickered in Zari’s eyes. “We know,” she said softly. “But … a lot’s changed this year, right? Maybe it’s time for some new traditions.”"
> 
> OR 
> 
> the first christmas (and sara's first birthday) back with the gang

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well hello again long time no see 
> 
> so like. a million apologies for just flaking last chapter without any notice on twitter or anything. i (chim) had just gotten back home from a 7 month long uni exchange so like. was just a little bit jet lagged and out of it and very busy catching up on seeing people and also my laptop broke lol and I only just got a replacement a few days ago. rach has been carrying the weight of this fic on her back for like a month (SO LIKE SHOUT OUT TO HER) and she had an insane amount of uni stuff going on too so it just. didn't happen. VERY SORRY but also life's way busier and more complicated than it was with you make me smile and because it's a bit heavier content wise too we gotta be in the right place to write it so we didn't wanna just half ass chapters just for the sake of uploading something. 
> 
> BUT we're back and we have functioning laptops and a routine again and we have caught up on everything we'd gotten behind on (fic wise anyway lol) and we're excited to get back into it, hopefully some of you guys have stuck around through our Big Writing Crisis of 2019/20 oof 
> 
> we went back and reread this chapter today and holy shit we'd forgotten how much we love it!!! for anyone who read the hsau, we reckon you're gonna get some great hsau vibes from it and it's got some good angst/softness/legends fun so we rly hope u like it!!! also enjoy this and the next couple of chapters bc there is some angst coming. ha. ANYWAY hopefully we're back to uploading regularly each week so pls comment bc we missed u guys and hopefully u missed us and we'd love to hear from u again!!! love u guys 
> 
> (p.s. chapter title is from no more sad songs by little mix)

** _December, 2019:_ **

“Hey,” said Sara softly, keeping her hand on Amaya’s knee and squeezing just hard enough that she knew the pressure would ground Amaya even if nothing else seemed to being doing it right now. “Breathe. You’re okay.” 

It had been a long time since Sara had seen Amaya fall apart. It wasn’t like she wasn’t the kind of person to do it - she was strong, unflinchingly fierce and wise and beautiful, never afraid to face something head on or deal with consequences if they arose, but there was a delicate vulnerability to her underneath it all - a lion heart that absorbed every little stab of hurt until it spilled over. She cared so deeply about people, about animals, about nature and the world and what was  _ right  _ and good and true and Sara had always held so much admiration for Amaya’s passion to act on it all. But then again, she knew it was feeling like the weight of the world was on her shoulders that caused Amaya to crack when she did. 

Like now. 

“It’s so stupid,” Amaya whispered, roughly wiping the tears from her cheeks. Sara cracked a grin. 

“The straw that breaks the camel’s back always is pretty stupid,” she said. “Thing is, all those other straws are usually pretty understandable.” 

Amaya gave Sara a reproachful look. “Didn’t I tell you that?” 

“Did you?” said Sara innocently and Amaya rolled her eyes, a genuine smile finally gracing her face. 

“You were always way better at this than you gave yourself credit for,” she said, sniffling. Sara stood from where she was crouched in front of Amaya and then sat on the couch beside her, shoulder to shoulder. 

They were in Amaya’s vet clinic. It was late - well past 1 o clock in the morning, and apart from the emergency staff on shift out in the reception, nobody was here. Amaya’s office was nice - decorated with huge, lush plants, books everywhere, certificates of qualifications, unique artifacts and nick nacks picked up at handmade markets, and of course, photos. Photos of the wildlife safari Amaya’s parents worked at, photos of her family, and of their friends. It had touched Sara to walk in for the first time a couple of weeks ago and see a photo of her and Amaya from college on one of the bookshelves, wedged between a photo of Amaya, Ava and Ray, and a photo of Amaya and her mother. 

It was a Wednesday night, and Sara had just gotten off her shift at  _ Verdant.  _ Though midweek, Wednesday was student night where all college students got half priced drinks, so the club was always busy even as most of its inhabitants complained preemptively about the 8am they were gonna have to sit through with their inevitable hangover. 

Sara had been writing her hours on the timesheet and grabbing her things when her phone had buzzed with a text from Amaya. 

_ Amaya Jiwe _ _   
_ _   
_ ** _iMessage_ ** ** _   
_ ** (Sara Lance)   
**Friday**

_   
_ ** _1:04am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Hey, you’re working tonight, right? 

  
** _1:04am: _ ** ** _   
_ ** Are you still at this end of town?

  
** _1:05am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** yeah just finished my shift, i'm grabbing my   
shit to head home

  
** _1:05am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** why, you coming by verdant? i can vouch for   
you and get you student priced drinks ;-) 

  
** _1:05am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Haha no it’s ok

  
** _1:08am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** what’s up amaya? X

  
** _1:09am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Do you think you could come by the   
clinic on your way home? I know it’s    
late, I just

  
** _1:09am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** I need to talk to somebody

  
** _1:10am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** hey yeah of course

  
** _1:10am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** be there in 5.

* * *

Amaya had been on the verge of a breakdown when Sara arrived, and the minute Sara stepped into her office and crouched in front of her, a strangled sob slipped from her lips and her whole body started shaking. For a second, Sara was stunned, but it only took a moment for her to get over her shock and reach out to take Amaya’s hands, keeping her voice low and gentle as she said “You’re okay, I’m here.” 

It’d been five years, sure, but Sara didn’t think she could forget how to be there for Amaya. They’d been too close for her to ever completely forget, no matter how much time had passed. Now, they sat on Amaya’s couch, the lights dimmed to a low, yellow glow, the only sound the vague rustlings and clanking down the hall from where they were. 

“What happened?” asked Sara softly. 

“I had to put a dog down,” said Amaya, her voice cracking. “This … this gorgeous retriever named Lucy. She was so young - barely a couple of years old - but she’d gotten cancer and we’d operated lots over the last year but it kept coming back and spreading. The owners didn’t want to keep putting her through the pain of surgery and recovery so they decided to put her down.” 

“Oh babe, that sounds like hell,” said Sara with a quiet curse under her breath and Amaya nodded, bringing one leg up to the couch and resting her forehead against her knee. 

“I have to do that kind of stuff every once in a while,” she said. “It’s - it’s part of my job. I  _ know  _ that.” 

“Doesn’t make it any easier,” said Sara. 

“It just feels like that’s the only part of my job I’ve been getting lately,” said Amaya, laughing flatly. “And … not just my job. The putting down’s and the paperwork and the shitty bosses and the let down Tinder dates -” 

“The what?” interrupted Sara. “Amaya Jiwe!” 

“We’ll circle back round to it,” said Amaya, flushing a little and Sara  _ tutted  _ her teasingly. “You know what I mean though, right?” 

Sara could hear the slight tinge of desperation in her voice and she knew what Amaya meant. That feeling of drudgery, like you were wading through mud or sludge or weeds and everything just seemed neverending - like your luck had turned and the wind hadn’t changed and everything just felt overwhelming in the worst, most suffocating ways. 

“I do,” she promised, reaching out to tuck a curl of Amaya’s hair behind her ear. “Why haven’t you said anything? You’ve been hosting Friendsgivings and insisting we all make it to movie nights and Wednesdays at  _ Billy’s _ . If things were getting stressful -” 

“I thought seeing everyone would be good,” said Amaya, shrugging. “I didn’t know what else would help. I figured that at some point, this suffocating feeling would just …  _ pass. _ ” 

Sara paused, her mind whirling as she tried to put into words what she was trying to say. “Have … have you talked about this with any of the others?” 

Amaya didn’t reply for a second, and Sara wondered briefly whether she’d actually heard her, until Amaya’s eyes flickered up and there was an odd, deep-seated sadness and uncertainty that Sara wasn’t used to in her friend. “Things are … they’re different than they were in college,” she said and Sara frowned. 

“What do you mean?” 

Amaya let out a long sigh. “Remember how good we all became at being  _ there  _ for each other?” she said. “We could tell so quick when something was up, and depending on the person, we knew exactly what would help? And … we all became so close that talking about the shit that was bothering us was a given - even you and Mick who are the worst at repressing your feelings. It was so good - so  _ healthy _ . We always had each other to talk to and lean on and bitch about whatever was happening in our lives.” 

Sara nodded. It was one of the things she’d so achingly missed when she moved to LA. 

“Everything changed so much when we graduated,” said Amaya, a sad longing in her voice. “And don’t feel guilty - don’t you dare. It wasn’t you leaving. It was _everything. _You and Ava breaking up, you and Zari and Jax all branching out to leave Star City, me and Nate breaking up, Nate going away on that dig all summer, having to find new apartments and new jobs and everyone’s schedules being different and all our dynamics and relationships with each other changed in the blink of an eye. We were so focused on trying to get our own lives sorted out that that effortless way we all knew how to care for each other sort of … vanished.” 

Sara shook her head, turning to face Amaya properly and pulling her legs up to the couch to cross them underneath her. “I don’t understand,” she said. “When I came home - both this year and after Dad died - you guys all seemed so close. It was like you had this group I wasn’t apart of anymore, which I guess I wasn’t, but -” 

“You read it wrong,” said Amaya, eyes sad even as she smiled a little sympathetically. “That weird, disconnect you felt with everyone? That was there before you came home. That’s been there for five years - it’s … it’s almost our new normal. Of course, there’s inside jokes and new friendships and stuff we’ve all made with each other as we’ve grown up, but that sense of family we had back in college? That never really came back. Everyone has their own  _ people  _ within our group, instead of us  _ all _ being there for each other. Nate and Ava and Jordan are close, and me and Ava and Jordan are close, but Nate and I have been weird since we broke up.” 

“Seriously?” said Sara incredulously. “Even after all this time being friends?” 

“Mm hm,” Amaya said with a nod. “Mick and I are weirdly close now. But as you’ve probably been able to tell - Mick and Ava barely scratch the surface of friends.” 

“They were actually starting to get along pretty well before Ava and I broke up,” Sara remembered aloud. She shook her head, staring at Amaya with wide eyes. “What else?  _ Who  _ else?” 

“Wally moved to Central City for a couple of years after college. He moved back just after your dad died, but I think both being younger and the fact that he still wasn’t really sure what he wanted to do, meant that he stuck to us even though the group didn’t feel the same. Nate’s away most summers for work. Ava and Jordan are both always travelling for their jobs too - this past few months is the longest they’ve been in Star City for a prolonged period of time, and I think that was because of Jax and then their engagement.” 

“Holy  _ shit _ ,” said Sara. 

“Yeah. Ray and Ava don’t hang out on their own either,” said Amaya, nudging Sara’s knee with her own. “I think he always felt loyal to you, and felt that we were betraying you a little by adopting Ava into the fold but not trying harder to keep in touch with you.” She grimaced. “He was right on that.” She shook it off, a small smile appearing on her face. “Jordan’s a little like you in that she’s the one person who’s good friends - genuine friends - with everybody. But she can’t quite do what you did and bring everyone together that same way.” 

“Why does everyone still hang out all together then?” asked Sara disbelievingly. 

“Because we’re still each other’s people,” said Amaya. “We’re friends. We love each other more than anything. We know everything about each other and we’re the people it’s easiest to be around after a long day or a long week. It’s not like we hate hanging out. It’s just - it’s not the way it was. It’s … it’s why I haven’t mentioned that things have been weird for me. I said something to Mick a couple of months ago but other than him, Ava and Jordan are the ones I would talk to and obviously, they’ve had a lot on their plate recently.” 

Sara bit her bottom lip. “Why’d you text me then?” she asked, hoping it didn’t come across accusatory. Amaya glanced up at her, eyes honest and still shimmering a little wetly. 

“Well for one, I knew you’d be awake and at this end of the city,” she joked, but her features quickly schooled into a more serious expression. She shrugged, a hesitant, apologetic look flashing in her eyes. “You still feel like you, Sara. Even after everything - you came back and … of course there was distance with the group at first but over these past months, you’ve stepped back into that person you always wanted to be in college and you  _ feel  _ like that best friend I could tell anything to. Even though I didn’t act like it for  _ you. _ ” 

“It’s okay,” Sara said quietly, shaking her head.

She’d struggled, sure, but she’d been so wrapped up in her own head that she hadn’t noticed her friends were struggling too. In truth, it hadn’t occurred to her that the distance she was feeling wasn’t limited to her. She hadn’t expected the tight knit group of friends she left behind to have split up in her absence. Perhaps it was because Jax’s death had brought them all back together right when she returned to Star City, or maybe it was because she was simply distracted, but - 

“It’s been almost six months, ‘Mya,” she said, the old nickname slipping out accidentally. “How come no one said anything?”

Amaya sighed, attempting to wipe her smudged mascara away. Sara pulled her phone out of her pocket and opened the camera for Amaya to use as a mirror. After a long pause, Amaya answered “I don’t know. I think maybe we all avoided telling you, or Z, because none of us wanted to admit that we were losing each other. Maybe if we didn’t say anything out loud, things would silently fix themselves.”

Sara watched her quietly for a moment, not knowing what to say. 

“Having  _ you _ back feels like - like maybe we could have whatever we used to have back too,” Amaya admitted, meeting Sara’s eyes. “You know. Now you and Ava seem to be okay.”

Something flashed through Amaya’s eyes - regret, maybe, for bringing Ava into the conversation. Sara shook her head. “We’re okay,” she reassured Amaya, for once fairly certain that this was the truth. “We talked, and … there was a lot I didn’t know about. I filled in a lot of the blanks in my head, but I got it wrong. I misinterpreted things. I’m don’t think I cut the shortlist of her favourite people in the world but … I think we’re actually friends now. We’ve just got to figure out what that means cos … we’ve never actually been  _ friends  _ before, no romance or anything underneath it all.” She shrugged, a little lopsided. “Hopefully we’ll figure that out without biting each other’s heads off.”

Amaya nudged her shoulder with a small smile. “Good.”

She looked less unsteady than earlier, and a familiar, long forgotten warmth spread out from Sara’s chest. She’d  _ helped. _ Amaya had asked for  _ her _ help, and things were a little more okay now than they had been earlier. And on top of that, somewhere during this conversation, she’d found the Amaya she’d missed all these years. The one who had been her best friend. Sara definitely didn’t plan on losing her any time soon. Amaya looked as if she was about to say more, but before she could ask about Ava, Sara stood up and held out a hand, pulling her to her feet. Amaya rolled her eyes fondly as if she knew exactly what Sara was doing, but let her anyway. 

“Want to pretend we’re nineteen and avoid our problems and go get milkshakes at  _ Billy’s  _ instead?” Sara offered, and Amaya exhaled, almost a shaky laugh, and nodded. 

Sara smiled. 

Things were going to be okay.

* * *

** _December, 2014:_ **

_ It had been half a year since she left for LA, but going back for her birthday still felt like too big of a step to take. Star City felt like home, even from so far away, but she  _ ** _couldn’t _ ** _ go back. It was a stupid, reckless idea. She’d never been one to look after her own mental health - that had always been down to her friends, friends she’d left behind - but even she knew that ripping the bandaid off a wound that hadn’t yet healed would deepen the cut, and tear her apart. LA was shitty, and lonely, and isolated, but she’d just got a new job and was determined to stay somewhere she could breathe rather than returning to somewhere which had the potential to pull out the stitches holding her broken heart together. _

_ Ray and Amaya had both asked if she was coming back to Star City to spend time with her dad, and she’d come up with a half-hearted, unhelpful excuse for them. She could hear from their responses that neither of them believed her, but they hadn’t pushed and Sara had spiralled the way she always seemed to now, finding any and every excuse that didn’t make her feel guilty for leaving her favourite people in the world behind. She concluded that they didn’t try and convince her to come home because none of them wanted her back either. Nate hadn’t even bothered to call since she left. _

_ Maybe they were better off without her. _

_ (She wasn't being fair, and she knew it, but for some reason she couldn't bring herself to stop.)  _

_ Zari, who had known better than to have this conversation over text, had instead looked her in the eye a few weeks ago when she’d visited and asked what her plans were, if she had any at all. “My dad’s coming to visit,” Sara had answered, trying her hardest to decipher the unreadable expression on Zari’s face. “We might fly over to New York to see Laurel too, if she can get the time off work.” _

_ Zari hadn’t had to ask whether she was intending on meeting up with anyone else from the group - her answer was blatantly obvious. Sometimes, Sara hated that she was so easy to read. It wasn’t that she didn’t  _ ** _want_ ** _ to see any of the others, it was just… she couldn’t. Not now, not after the way she’d left without saying goodbye. _

_ Zari’s expression softened. “You know everyone still wants to see you, right?” _

_ Sara scoffed, a little bitter, and Zari sighed. “Everyone?” Sara asked sceptically, and Zari tilted her head in acknowledgement.  _

_ “Okay, not everyone - ” _

_ “- you know they’re all friends now,” Sara interrupted, before Zari could finish her thought. It wasn’t particularly relevant, but it had been bubbling for a while and now seemed like a good time to bring up her ongoing frustration. “I know I left, but Ava and everyone else - they’re  _ ** _friends_ ** _ . They hang out. Ava has -” Sara bit her lip. ‘Replaced me’ wasn’t fair, but it still felt like it. If Nate had been here, he would’ve snapped at her.  _ ** _She_ ** _ had left, not Ava. And it had been a stupid, reckless decision, but she was still better off here than back home, letting her emotions run wild with no way of ever controlling them. She’d been so tired of feeling like she would snap at every moment. So exhausted by thinking about Ava every second of every day. Sara cleared her throat. “I’m fairly sure they don’t want to see me.” _

_ “That’s not what this is about,” Zari challenged her, a hint of steel behind her words, and Sara exhaled slowly. “Sara - even if you’re not gonna be honest with them, at least be honest with yourself.” _

_ Sara’s glare was half-hearted at best, and she sunk back against the wall, resigned. If she truly thought about this, she knew Zari was right. It wasn’t about her friends. Or at least, not fully. _

_ Zari watched her carefully, and then sighed again. She was sharp, and had always been similar enough to Sara that she could figure out what was going on in her head without much effort at all. “You’re scared that if you go back, you won’t be able to drag yourself away a second time,” she said quietly, and Sara didn’t nod - but she didn’t have to. “You’re so determined to keep running that you’re not gonna let yourself stop, even for a moment, in case looking back makes you want what you can’t have.” _

_ Zari held up her hands when Sara glared at her. “Hey, I’m not attacking you. Things change. Life moves on - I did too, I can’t fault you for that. But there are good reasons to move on, and then there are bad ones, and you know that. If you  _ ** _are_ ** _ determined to stick around in LA, it’s gotta be for the right reasons.” _

_ Reasons like friends, her job, and having a nice place to live. Reasons Sara didn’t have, at least not yet. _

_ But she had stability - or a vague imitation of it. Something she hadn’t been able to get a hold of after everything she had with Ava fell apart. Regardless of where she was at right now, she had enough sense to know that risking falling from the ledge she’d carefully clawed herself back from just so she could go back for a few days was a terrible idea. “I can’t lose myself like that again, Z,” Sara said quietly, and Zari sighed, even softer than before.  _

_ She leaned back against the wall so she was sitting shoulder to shoulder with Sara, and thankfully, let Sara avoid her eyes.  _

_ “Do what’s best for you,” she said, after a moment's pause. “Just… promise me you’ll be honest with yourself about why you’re doing it.” _

_ Zari waited for Sara to nod, and then nudged her shoulder, and smiled. “And hey. Happy early birthday.” _

* * *

Sara’s birthday came without warning. Of course, it was Christmas, and Sara was definitely aware of  _ that _ . Star City put up giant, illuminated snowflake shaped fairy lights on the lampposts all along the main streets of the city, had a massive Christmas tree and ice-skating rink in front of City Hall at which jazzy Christmas carols played 24/7. Every single student at SCU was buzzing about Christmas break, and truthfully, Sara was looking forward to the week long period that both SCU and  _ Verdant  _ would be closed so that she could breathe for a bit. With everything that had happened with Jordan’s dad, fighting with Ava, making  _ up  _ with Ava - not just for that fight but for the last five years - and then the semester coming to a rushed, frantic end after that, working two jobs had spread Sara so thin that the fact that Christmas also coincided with her 27th birthday had entirely slipped her mind. 

Since Quentin died Sara had fiercely avoided doing anything for her birthday, because it hurt so much to celebrate without him. Laurel had always invited her to come celebrate Christmas with her in New York at least, and Sara had reluctantly accepted, knowing she didn’t  _ actually  _ have a choice in it and that Laurel would force her to come if she said no. It had been nice the previous few years - cold, magical, and quiet with just the two of them - but Sara knew they could both feel the hurt of Quentin’s absence far too keenly, even though they rarely discussed it.

Every year, Laurel had gotten her a present, something far more expensive and precious than just a Christmas present. Sara always gave her a reproachful look but Laurel shrugged and said “Hey, it’s not a birthday present. It’s not my fault you were born on Christmas. I’m sure Jesus feels your pain.” 

Sara rolled her eyes, saying “Laur, Jesus is the  _ reason  _ people celebrated Christmas in the first place. That’s why it’s called  _ Christ _ mas.” but when Laurel said “Oh my god, we get it, you study history, open your damn present.” Sara couldn’t deny the gentle warmth she felt at Laurel’s thoughtfulness. Even coupled with the hurt, it was nice. 

But this year, Sara was back in Star City. And so inevitably, a couple of weeks before Christmas, she was surprised by Amaya, Nora and Zari, who had all decided to camp out in her apartment, waiting for her to return from work. 

(Zari got a free pass, she supposed. She  _ was  _ paying half the rent. The others though… they weren’t supposed to be here, and something about the expressions on their faces made Sara more than a little apprehensive.) 

“Hi?” she said, dropping her bag and keys to the floor and kicking off her shoes. “Did I miss that we were doing something today?” 

“No, we’re ambushing you,” said Nora promptly, folding her arms. 

Sara arched an eyebrow. “Why?” 

Amaya glared. “Because it’s your  _ birthday  _ in two weeks and we’re all gonna be away for Christmas and it’s the first birthday you’ve had here since you left and we have to celebrate it before everyone leaves because we have five fucking years of birthdays missed to make up for.” 

“And as you can tell, Amaya is passionate about - her potty mouth gives it away,” said Zari with a smirk. Amaya shoved a cushion at her. 

Sara shook her head, something warm fluttering in her chest. “Guys, you don’t have to. I - I don’t really celebrate my birthday anymore.” 

Recognition flickered in Zari’s eyes. “We know,” she said softly. “But … a lot’s changed this year, right? Maybe it’s time for some new traditions.” 

Sara bit her lip, walking a little further into the room to sit at the edge of the couch opposite Zari and Amaya. “How come Jordan and Ava aren’t here?” she asked, a little hesitantly. 

“We weren’t sure if you would want Ava here, because we weren’t even sure how you would react to us wanting to plan something for you,” said Nora, nudging Sara’s knee with hers. Sara opened her mouth, but Nora talked over her quickly. “We know you and Ava are okay now, but still. We wanted to feel out this whole thing before involving the ex.” 

Sara let out a soft breath. “Right. Thanks.” 

“We do know you, Sara,” said Zari with a smile. “Just because you and Ava are okay now doesn’t mean you have to hang out with her all the time. There’s still a possibility you two are capable of murdering each other if we locked you in a cupboard together.” 

Sara snorted, but then shook her head fondly. Ava was still Ava, it was true, but they’d seen each other almost every week at group dinners for a while now - she’d learned to expect Ava’s presence, and she’d started to recognise the comfort that came from the familiarity of their actions, even if she wasn’t certain how she felt about that yet.

She looked around the table, and then pulled out a chair. “What were you thinking?” she asked cautiously, and Zari grinned. 

Now they had Sara’s permission, the plans came out in a careful rush, Zari thrilled to be celebrating Sara’s birthday for once after years of Sara making her promise not to acknowledge it, Nora excited to be involved in the planning, and wanting to find something Sara was comfortable doing, and Amaya a little more cautious, occasionally catching Sara’s eye from across the table, as if checking she was okay with whatever plans were being made in front of her.

In the end, they decided on a simple potluck on friday night, and then an evening out at  _ Verdant _ . Zari had checked twice that she was okay with the whole gang being invited, and Sara had reassured her with a smile. Talking to Amaya a few nights ago had reassured her that perhaps some of the awkward, tense distance she’d been feeling wasn’t limited to her, no matter how she might feel about it. If she was feeling optimistic, she might even dare to hope that this get together would help bring the group a little closer, weaving a threadbare patch over the hole she’d torn when she left.

“Okay,” Zari exhaled, leaning back in her chair and sliding her phone over to Sara so she could proofread the text Zari had typed out before she sent it. The party was at short notice, but Sara preferred it that way. Even if not everyone could make it, she’d have less time to think about her dad missing yet another birthday - this time, one she was celebrating - if this party was sooner. Sara exhaled, then pressed send.

“It’s gonna be a great evening,” Zari said softly, too quiet for Amaya or Nora to overhear now they’d started a conversation between themselves. “And maybe we can get brunch after, somewhere we used to go?”

Sara thought back to the brunch Zari had insisted they meet up for in mid-December every year, the date of which never shifted, but only because Zari claimed it was one of the best times to meet up, and firmly argued every year that it had absolutely nothing to do with her birthday. “This isn’t a birthday brunch, is it?” she asked, lips twitching into a smile that wouldn’t have been there a year ago.

Zari shook her head, lie more blatant than anything Sara had ever heard, eyes twinkling because she knew that this year, she’d get away with it. “Nah.” She shrugged one shoulder with a cocky grin. “The timing’s just a coincidence.”

* * *

Twenty minutes into the meal, Sara realised that even though this was  _ her _ birthday celebration, it was something all of her friends had needed. Amaya wasn’t the only one who had been working herself into the ground lately - Ray had been working longer and longer shifts to make up for his colleague who had just moved away, Nate was currently drowning in piles of exam marking, Jordan was still trying to find a new normal that didn’t include her dad, and so many of the others were sinking into that familiar mid-winter slump, dragged down by the drudgery of their lives, patiently waiting for it to be Christmas just so they could have a few days off. 

This felt so similar to the end of term potlucks they used to have at college, in a way that made Sara smile. (It was relieving to find that the uncomfortable twinge that accompanied so many of those memories from before she left for LA was fading, slowly, the longer she stayed here.) So many of the dishes people had brought were familiar, and the atmosphere in the apartment felt just like it used to, even though they were all at different points in their lives right now. Ray passed the mac and cheese over to her with a smile, and Sara took a second helping.

“I’m sure this tastes better than it used to,” she said, second forkful already halfway to her mouth. 

“I improved it,” Nora explained with a grin, leaning over the table, and Sara laughed at Ray’s mildly affronted expression. She wasn’t about to rub salt into Ray’s wounds, but whatever Nora had added to the dish had taken it from good, to heavenly. 

“I improved these too!” Jordan leant over the table to pass Sara a dish of roast potatoes, eager to hear her opinion. “Not that Ava isn’t a good cook, but… well.” She shrugged, eyes sparkling. “You know.”

Sara snorted. Ava’s culinary skills were average at best, and a complete disaster at worst. One time, she’d almost burnt the kitchen down making stir-fry, and Sara had been wary to let her near the oven for months. “Oh, I know,” Sara grinned, and Ava looked between them, noting the conspiratorial twinkle in both of their eyes. A month ago, she and Ava would have been driving each other up the wall by now - but instead Ava rolled her eyes, tossing a napkin in Sara’s direction. Jordan laughed, leaning over to press a quick kiss to Ava’s cheek, and Ava softened, any tension that might have been there fading

Sara turned back to Nate when he tapped her on the shoulder to catch her attention, eyes having been following the lighthearted, jokey conversation that would’ve been impossible back in the summer. He looked as though he was about to comment on it, his pride in her clear as day, but Sara shook her head slightly. “Save it for later,” she said quietly, although no one else was paying any attention to their conversation. “Or… maybe tomorrow.”

Nate shrugged slightly, and then slung one arm around her shoulders to pull her into a lopsided, affectionate hug. She couldn’t see his smile, but she could hear it in his voice. “It’s alright. You know what I was about to say.” 

It was difficult trying to keep up with the four different conversations occurring round the table, but Sara didn’t need to. Instead, she let herself watch her friends interact, switching between topics as easily as they always used to, all equally comfortable in her and Zari’s new home. She was a little reluctant to admit it, but this birthday meal was easily one of her favourites - not necessarily because it was  _ better _ , but because it was needed. It felt right. And she wouldn’t have minded it going on for a few hours longer, but before she knew it Zari was tossing her coat in her direction, telling her she was lucky they hadn’t gotten her an obnoxious birthday sash to wear out, and making sure she remembered her keys.

They hadn’t been  _ out  _ out - not as a whole group - since Sara had been here. (Or if they had, she hadn’t been invited.) And even though she worked at  _ Verdant,  _ it remained the best place to go for an evening like this - it had it all, a great atmosphere, good music, and it was unlikely to be packed with college students on a friday night, because other bars in the city had better deals on. 

“Sara!” Jordan exclaimed from behind her, holding out a shot of something unidentifiable. Nate shook his head, and Ava laughed. 

“Jordan, babe, you don’t want to try to keep up with Sara.” 

Sara smirked slightly, and tossed back the shot. Nate groaned. “Sara’s the reason I can’t remember far too many of my college nights out.”

“Same here,” Ava agreed, and Jordan turned to grin at her, already starting to feel the alcohol. 

“I feel like there are a lot of stories I haven’t heard,” she said teasingly, and the speed at which Ava shook her head made Jordan, Sara and Nate instantly start to laugh. Zari appeared from behind them, already a little exasperated, but unable to fight back her smile. She was looking at Sara like Nate had been earlier, only amplified, probably because she’d seen the most of Sara’s journey to get here and could see the contrast to Sara’s non-existent birthday celebrations the previous years. Sara wanted to say something, but couldn’t get the words together before Zari ushered them out of the door, saying something about Ray, Nora, Wally and Amaya waiting outside for them. 

Sara left their apartment, passing her keys to Zari so she could lock the door, her small, contented smile fixed firmly in place. Tonight was going to be a good night.

* * *

** _Messenger_ ** ** _   
_ ** (Sara Lance)

adult disasters™   
_ Active now _

_ SUN 10:04AM _

** _Nate:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Hey  @Sara

You know I love you 

I do 

And I am rly happy you were born    
and all that but currently I hate the   
fact that your birth led to this fckn   
hangover my gOD i am definitely    
not 20 anymore 

  
** _Wally:_ ** ** _   
_ ** if anybody wants me i will be sitting   
by my toilet all day

** _   
_ ** ** _Amaya:_ ** ** _   
_ ** How much did you two drink?????

** _   
_ ** ** _You:_ ** ** _   
_ ** it was the fourth round of shots before   
you both rode the mechanical bull that   
did it huh? 

** _   
_ ** ** _Nate:_ ** ** _   
_ ** fOUR ROUNDS?

Jesus okay that’s why there’s a marching   
band playing in my head right now

** _   
_ ** ** _Jordan:_ ** ** _   
_ ** I haven’t been this hungover since I was in   
college holy shit 

** _   
_ ** ** _Ava:_ ** ** _   
_ ** It’s actually kind of funny

** _   
_ ** ** _Jordan:_ ** ** _   
_ ** We’re not even married yet but I will divorce   
you if you laugh at me one more time

** _   
_ ** ** _Sara:_ ** ** _   
_ ** oh no I actually feel bad for this

anyone want me to bring them coffee?

** _   
_ ** ** _Nate:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Oh my god please

** _   
_ ** ** _Wally:_ ** ** _   
_ ** maybe in like an hour when i’ve stopped   
puking every 5 minutes

** _   
_ ** ** _Ava:_ ** ** _   
_ ** I think Jordan could definitely use one

** _   
_ ** ** _Zari:_ ** ** _   
_ ** @Sara how the fuck are you not more hungover,   
you were keeping up with Jordan weren’t you?

** _   
_ ** ** _Jordan:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Wait she’s NOT hungover?????????

** _   
_ ** ** _Zari:_ ** ** _   
_ ** She’s CLEANING the KITCHEN

** _   
_ ** ** _Nate:_ ** ** _   
_ ** How

** _   
_ ** ** _You:_ ** ** _   
_ ** guys I spent the last 5 years working   
as a bartender, remember? 

i still have the alcohol tolerance of a    
college sophomore

z & i will come make coffee runs as   
soon as we clean everything up x

** _   
_ ** ** _Nate:_ ** ** _   
_ ** If I propose to you the minute you hand   
me the sweet caffeine bean juice, it’s just   
because I’ve never been more grateful in    
my life, not bc I’m in love with you

** _   
_ ** ** _You:_ ** ** _   
_ ** noted (but if u give me a ring I    
won’t say no ;-)) 

  
** _Nate:_ ** ** _   
_ ** See you soon my soon to be wife

  
** _Zari:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Drink water u idiot

  
  
  


_ Ray Palmer _ _   
_ _   
_ ** _iMessage_ ** ** _   
_ ** (Sara Lance)   
**Sunday**

**   
** ** _10:19am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** hey sir raymond, u alive?

  
  
  


_ Nora Darhk _ _   
_ _   
_ ** _iMessage_ ** ** _   
_ ** (Sara Lance)   
**Sunday**

**   
** ** _10:23am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** So we’re alive but Ray says he feels dizzy   
every time he looks at his phone so I’m   
on updates instead 

  
** _10:23am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** oh boy

  
** _10:24am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** how are you feeling?

  
** _10:25am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Hey you know me, I’ve used alcohol as an   
unhealthy coping mechanism before so    
apart from the vague headache, I’m not too   
bad 

  
** _10:25am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Ray is slightly more worse for wear but defs   
not as bad as Nate or Wally or Jordan

  
** _10:26am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** we’ll bring you guys some coffee anyway x

  
** _10:27am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** We both had a rly good time last    
night btw X

  
  


** _   
_ ** _ Amaya Jiwe _ _   
_ _   
_ ** _iMessage_ ** ** _   
_ ** (Sara Lance)   
**Sunday**

_   
_ ** _10:31am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Hey want any help with the coffee delivery?

** _   
_ ** ** _10:31am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** you’re not equally hungover? ;’-D

** _   
_ ** ** _10:31am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** No see, I’m the responsible one of the group   
who remembers to stop after round two of the   
shots and then drinks water and eats about four   
slices of bed before going to sleep, remember?

** _   
_ ** ** _10:33am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** oh of course how could I forget

** _   
_ ** ** _10:33am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** yeah dude if you want to help then it would    
be fun to hang out with u and z for a bit!! nora    
texted, she and ray are also feeling kinda trash   
so we’ll swing by theirs too 

** _   
_ ** ** _10:33am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** I assume mick is just fine

** _   
_ ** ** _10:34am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Safe assumption to make tbh

  
** _10:34am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Hey, I want you to know how grateful I am   
for last night <3 

** _   
_ ** ** _10:35am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** what are you talking about! you’re the ones   
who threw me a birthday party! 

** _   
_ ** ** _10:36am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Yeah but it was Your birthday party and it’s    
the first time in so long that this group has   
felt like it used to. I’m really really glad you’re   
back in SC Sara xxx

  
  
  


_ Jordan Haverstock _ _   
_ _   
_ ** _iMessage_ ** ** _   
_ ** (Sara Lance)   
**Sunday**

_   
_ ** _5:09pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Okay well now that I have had adequate   
amounts of coffee, water, carbs & sleep   
I can text you without wanting to murder   
you for being so Fine when we drank the   
same amount last night

** _   
_ ** ** _5:14pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** perks of having a boring not going anywhere   
with ur life job for five years ;-) 

** _   
_ ** ** _5:15pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** I’m ignoring that because you are a) the best   
bartender I’ve ever seen in my life and b) most   
definitely Going Somewhere with ur life so 

** _   
_ ** ** _5:15pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Shut the Fuck up 

** _   
_ ** ** _5:16pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** But also!!! I had the best time last night omg   
I can’t believe your birthday is on Christmas    
bc if I had known that before I would have   
100% been the person to throw an enormous   
Christmas / Sara’s birthday party on the 25th   
but with everything that happened with my dad   
I kinda gotta go home for Christmas this year

** _   
_ ** ** _5:17pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** dude no of course

** _   
_ ** ** _5:17pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** thank u for coming last night, you were   
right, we definitely are a good duo to get    
drunk together 

** _   
_ ** ** _5:18pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** I’m usually right ;-) 

** _   
_ ** ** _5:18pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Also, I am only just starting to remember   
the night post 10pm - did I give Ava a lap   
dance to a Beyonce song

** _   
_ ** ** _5:19pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** nope but you wanted to, except ava’s face   
turned approximately the same colour as   
the red disco lights so you decided to be   
kind and also remain engaged to her

  
** _5:19pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Oh thank god

** _   
_ ** ** _5:20pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** you did tell nate that you would date him   
if u were straight

** _   
_ ** ** _5:20pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Fuck 

** _   
_ ** ** _5:21pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** don’t worry i don’t think he remembers it ;’-D

** _   
_ ** ** _5:22pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Wait

** _   
_ ** ** _5:22pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** You were taking photos

** _   
_ ** ** _5:22pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** I REMEMBER YOU WERE TAKING PHOTOS

** _   
_ ** ** _5:23pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** SARA

** _   
_ ** ** _5:24pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** uh 

  
** _5:24pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** maybe? 

  
** _5:24pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** dELETE THE M

  
** _5:25pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** No wait first send them to me and then   
delete them

  
** _5:26pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** are you kidding? absolutely not, if i delete    
these pics you are the only person in this    
city i don’t have some form of blackmail    
material on so you will just have to stew   
in discomfort

  
** _5:26pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** S A R A L A N C E 

  
** _5:26pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** What’s your middle name so I can be more   
aggressive 

  
** _5:27pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** :-)

  
** _5:27pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** I’M ASKING AVA WHAT YOUR MIDDLE NAME IS

  
** _5:28pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Okay so you don’t have a middle name

  
** _5:28pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** ;’-D

  
** _5:29pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** I will get blackmail material on you, I know Ava   
has some

  
** _5:29pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** I will USE IT

  
** _5:29pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** ava knows better than to use any blackmail   
material she has on me bc i have approx the   
same amount of dirt on her so

  
** _5:30pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** SARA

** _   
_ ** ** _5:30pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** GOTTA GO ZARI NEEDS ME ;’-D

** _   
_ ** ** _5:31pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** DON’T YOU DARE

** _   
_ ** _ Ava Sharpe _ _   
_ _   
_ ** _iMessage_ ** ** _   
_ ** (Sara Lance)   
**Sunday**

**   
** ** _5:42pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** If you send me any / all embarrassing photos   
you took of Jordan last night and don’t tell   
her I have them, I’ll delete every copy of that   
photo from Halloween junior year when you   
drunkenly decided to switch costumes and   
dressed up like sexy Curious George.

  
** _5:43pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** deal.

** _   
_ ** ** _5:45pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** _ Attached: 11 photos. _

* * *

Wandering around their old neighborhood felt odd, but not as odd as being in Star City with Laurel but without any of her friends here did. Ray and Nora had flown back to Ray’s mom’s house a week ago, and Ava and Jordan had left soon after. Between then and now, everyone else had slipped away for the holidays, Zari leaving last with an apologetic smile and a promise to be back soon, with some of her mom’s famous chocolate brownies for Sara. She hadn’t expected them to stay, not really. She knew they had their own lives, and their own families. It was just… when she was in college, even if people left for winter break, there were enough of them still around that she never spent this time alone. Zari would always come over for a christmas/birthday meal, and Jax and Ray would often come round in the evening too, so long as they could slip away from their families after christmas festivities had finished.

Her friends would call, or text, instead of leaving her with this unpleasant silence that made the cold outside feel a little more frosty than it should. Sara tucked her hands into her pockets, curling her fingers into her coat lining. Her gloves were too thin, but she hadn’t had time to buy new ones yet, and she didn’t get paid for a few days. 

Snow was still falling. It had stopped for a few days last week, and in that time the neighbors had strung fairy christmas lights through the trees, the whole street sparkling as the lights reflected off the snow. Once upon a time, Sara had helped her dad hang up the lights outside their own house, clambering up onto the icy stepladder fast enough to make Laurel wince, young and eager not paying much attention to anything other than the task in front of her. Sara dragged her foot through the snow, leaving a trail behind it, glancing up when she felt Laurel’s eyes on her.

Laurel smiled fondly at her, and Sara’s cheeks flushed.

Laurel was only here for a few days - she always seemed to be busy with work, nowadays - but she’d made sure to fly in for Christmas (and Sara’s birthday, although she was sticking to tradition and had yet to mention it). Sara was grateful for that, at least. She and Laurel had been making an effort to stay in touch better since Quentin’s funeral, and even though they still sometimes went weeks on end without talking, they were better at it now than they had been when Sara first moved to LA. 

It was messy, having the successful lawyer of a sister as her only surviving family. Laurel worked so much of the time, and from so far away. It was lonely. But sometimes, in moments like these, Laurel would smile with a hint of concern in her eyes and nudge her shoulder and ask a question that showed she  _ cared _ , and Sara would remember that she was lucky to have a sister like this in the first place.

Even though she did like digging for information that Sara was trying her hardest to keep quiet. 

“I don’t know if you’re expecting me to ignore this the whole time I’m here,” Laurel eventually said, at least giving Sara a slight warning as to what was coming next. It had been inevitable, really. “But I’ve got to ask, Sara. I heard Ava’s engaged?”

Sara nodded slowly, taking care to wipe any emotions she might be feeling from her expression just in case Laurel decided to read into them. “Yeah.” Laurel nudged her, and Sara rolled her eyes. “Her fiancée… she’s called Jordan. She’s nice. We’re friends.”

Laurel observed her carefully, and Sara shifted. Laurel always seemed to have an uncomfortable way of reading her, often picking up on things Sara had buried so far down even she’d forgotten they were there. “And you’re cool with this?” Laurel asked slowly, cautious in a way that was more telling of where Sara was at last year than where she was now. 

“This?” Sara repeated, wanting Laurel to spell out the question she was trying to ask.

Laurel gave her a familiar look, equal parts exasperation and understanding. “Last time I saw you, Sara, you and Ava weren’t on speaking terms. I knew not to bring her up, because even though you’d moved and found yourself a new job and a new life, it was hanging by a thread, even if you hadn’t noticed that yet. And all of it -  _ all _ of it - was because of Ava. You weren’t running from Star City, at least not until dad died. You weren’t cutting yourself off from your friends because you just wanted to live somewhere new. When you called me, right after you moved, you told me it was because you didn’t know how things fell apart with Ava, and you were losing control of the life you’d imagined for yourself, and nothing could keep you in a place so full of memories and possibilities that made it so hard to breathe.”

Sara swallowed, and Laurel bit her lip, shoving her hands into the pockets of a coat that probably cost half of Sara’s rent. “I love you, Sara,” Laurel said quietly, eyes bursting with a concern that made Sara’s heart twist in her chest. “I want you to be okay. And yeah, I worried about you when you were in LA, but - you being back here worries me too. Because it’s not like you and Ava have rekindled whatever you had, and I don’t understand why you’re putting yourself through this again.”

Sara shook her head, avoiding Laurel’s eyes. “It’s not about Ava,” she said softly, and Laurel’s frown deepened. (Probably because for the past five years, no matter how little she mentioned Ava’s name, things were  _ always _ about Ava). “We’ve talked, and things are alright, and… Jordan and I are friends -  _ Ava _ and I are friends, almost. Me staying isn’t about her.”

Laurel didn’t have to ask her follow up question, because Sara knew it was coming. She sighed softly, looking down at her boots. Snow was still falling, stark white in contrast to the black fabric Sara’s boots were made from. “I have to fix things,” she said quietly, and Laurel’s hand found hers. 

“You don’t have to fix anything,” Laurel tried to tell her, but Sara shook her head.

She wasn’t sure she’d known why she hadn’t left Star City until now, but it made sense. It was in her nature - even if she had changed over the past five years, her urge to look after her friends had returned the moment she drove back into the city. If they’d been less broken, she might’ve been able to tear herself away, but she’d come back for Jax’s funeral, and they’d all needed each other. “Things have changed since I left, Laur’. Some for the better, but a lot has gotten worse. And I  _ left. _ I needed to, I know that, but I could have done it better. I could have done things differently. I should have at least said goodbye, and tried harder to keep in contact with people.”

At this, Laurel snorted, nudging her shoulder lightly. “Yeah, that one I can’t argue with.”

Sara smiled, just a little. “Part of me stayed because I missed this place, even with the memories I can’t hide from. I think another part of me stayed because with Jax gone, I needed people who knew him around me, just for a while. But then… I don’t know. The weeks became months, and I ended up where I am now. I guess… I didn’t want to leave everyone behind for a second time.”

Laurel sighed, concern still lingering her eyes, but smile turning fonder. “You always want to look after other people,” she said quietly, but then paused. 

Sara exhaled slowly, hot breath forming clouds in the crisp winter air.  _ But you never look after yourself _ , Laurel had wanted to say, and it was a fair criticism. Sara knew herself well enough to know it was the truth, and Laurel deserved to hear her say it. “I know,” she agreed, the unspoken comment hanging between them. “And sticking around here - it’s been rough. But I had to come back sometime, and I’m hoping something good can come out of it. I’m getting closer with my friends again, at least. Slowly.”

“Yeah?” Laurel asked, pointedly not mentioning that all of her friends were absent, right now. They’d all vanished off to see family.

(Once, she’d been family - but clearly not anymore). 

“There are other things I want to stick around for too,” Sara added, wanting to draw Laurel’s attention away from the conversation she was about to bring up. “Other people I haven’t seen in years, like Thea. She’s all grown up, and studying at SCU. I bumped into her by accident, and we’ve kept in touch this time. She pops into the history office now and again to say hi.” Sara smirked slightly. “Plus she spends at least half her time in  _ Verdant. _ ” 

“I lost touch with Thea,” said Laurel, and Sara felt a slight wave of relief at the idea that even Laurel - organised, successful, put-together Laurel - had lost touch with people too once she’d moved away. “Losing people is easy.”

“Easier than I thought,” Sara agreed, only then realising how far down the street she and Laurel had walked. The christmas lights outside the house in front of them were unfamiliar, and the police cruiser that had always been in the driveway was missing - but the house couldn’t have been more familiar. A girl shrieked from inside, laughing at something they couldn’t see, and Sara looped her arm around Laurel’s. “I’m gonna find whatever it was I lost,” she said quietly, but with an edge of determination.

Laurel nodded, then leant over to kiss the top of her head, lips pressing against her beanie.

“You will,” she promised, and even though she had no way of knowing whether that was even possible, Sara believed her. 


	11. I know who i am today (because I knew you)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Two rounds in, Sara was starting to wish she had found some excuse to slip away before they had gotten to this point in the evening, because as she’d discovered, discomfort stirring in her stomach, the answer to So You Think You Know Ava? was yes. She did know Ava, far too well. 
> 
> That was the problem."
> 
> or
> 
> it's ava's birthday, and sara realises that even after five years, she still knows ava off the back of her hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hellooooooo again!! 
> 
> new week, new chapter. thank you for beings so understanding of us skipping a week and showing us so much love on the last chapter!! 
> 
> this chapter's another good one, so we hope you love it! here's hoping s5 of legends gives us some inspo for stuff to put into this fic!!!! 
> 
> (p.s. chapter title is from for good, from wicked the musical)

** _January, 2020: _ **

January always rolled around just as overpowering and gusty as the icy winds that accompanied it. The snow in Star City started coming down harder, the entire city blanketed in never ending white that quickly became disgusting, slippery, muddy slush piled on street corners and on the sides of staircases everywhere. Sara definitely found herself missing the LA warmth, but even then, she loved the little things that made a Star City winter less bitingly sharp and unwelcoming: the warmth of a mug of coffee on cold hands, a fluffy scarf around her neck, an opportunity to indulge and buy a new winter coat, the feeling of stepping out of the cold and into an office with the radiators on full blast and being able to shuck off all her layers and regain some feeling in her toes. 

Ray and Nora threw a small New Year’s party at their place, but Sara was working at  _ Verdant  _ so wasn’t able to make it. Strangely, she didn’t find herself feeling the twinge of loneliness and insecurity she’d felt on her birthday at not spending the occasion with her friends. Besides, Wally had stayed in Central City to celebrate New Years with his friends there, Ava and Jordan were still with Jordan’s family, and Mick was working, so it really was a small get together - just Ray, Nora, Nate and a couple of their other friends from work and other circles. 

Ava’s birthday appeared just as suddenly as Sara’s, but unlike her own birthday, Sara wasn’t able to be swept up in the insanity of her day-to-day routine and forget about it until it arrived. It had been the same every year since Sara had left Star City. It was the one occasion from her and Ava’s relationship that she’d never quite been able to bury and steamroll over until it was forgotten. Sara loved birthdays - her own, and other people’s - and she had always been so excited for Ava’s while they were together. She’d insisted on being overly extravagant - decorating their apartment, making pancakes, French toast and waffles for breakfast, lavishing on Ava the whole week and endlessly the day of. Now, it was one of only a few days of the year that Sara’s thoughts had become overwhelmed with memories, nostalgia and a sharp, distinct ache in her chest that she couldn’t tamp down and made Sara want to curl up in bed and just sleep the day away. 

Ava’s birthday was on the 15th of January, and from early in the new year, Jordan had told Sara and the others about the party she was throwing Ava. She’d asked Sara if they could hire out one of the back rooms in  _ Verdant _ , and Sara had helped her organise it. Jordan had put together a fairly long invite list for what was a somewhat unimportant birthday, but Sara was relieved to finally be able to think about Ava’s birthday during January without feeling like shit about it. She’d given Jordan tips and ideas, as had Amaya, Nate, and Wally during slow Tuesday evenings when the others had dropped by  _ Verdant  _ to say hi to Sara while she was working. 

The 15th was a Wednesday, so Jordan had organised everything for the following Saturday. By the time the 18th arrived - before Sara could properly digest that she was, in fact, going to be part of a birthday celebration for Ava for the first time in five damn years - Sara knew the plan for the party off the top of her head. She knew she didn’t have to, but even though she’d referred Jordan to Nellie to deal with the _Verdant_ part of the party, she’d ended up being the one to give Jordan the specifics; budget, menu, ideas on subsidised drinks and decoration ideas and limits. Sara knew that Jordan preferred that - preferred someone who _knew _Ava to have a hand in all this - and Sara had to admit, it was nice to finally put some of the random ‘Ava knowledge’ she’d locked away in a box to use. 

Sort of. 

The superficial stuff. The stuff she didn’t mind still knowing. She’d been trying everything she could not to look any deeper, determined to keep ignoring the little, careful details that were just beneath. 

She knew she should’ve realised that she’d have to deal with this at some point, especially given how well she knew the itinerary for the night; after the music and the dancing and the food, Jordan had written ‘Quiz!’ in bold letters on her checklist, a small, excited heart taking the place of the dot at the bottom of the exclamation mark. 

(It had made Sara smile, the first time she saw it. Jordan had poured her heart into organising this party, and a few years ago, Sara would have done the same. Ava was worth celebrating.)

But now, as Sara poured herself a glass of champagne and glanced down at the checklist that was carefully tucked behind the bar, her stomach swooped. The official title was  _ So You Think You Know Ava?  _

Sara took a long swig of her champagne. This was going to be weird.

To give both her and Jordan credit,  _ Verdant _ ’s back room was beautifully decorated. Tommy and Oliver really hadn’t cut corners redecorating the place when they first bought it, and they’d kept the older, original structure of the back half of the building that had been built much earlier than the more chic, modern front part of the club. This back half was usually booked out for office events, anniversary celebrations, and birthdays like this. It had high, arched ceilings, large windows that caught flashes of the glittering city buildings in the near distance, all the large skyscrapers lit up as evening swept into the dark, cold night. Gold, silver and bronze balloons were tied in clusters of three in every corner, and between them streamers of the same colours had been artfully strung up by Amaya, (who had a much more creative eye than both Sara and Jordan). There were some helium balloons - these ones transparent and filled with gold, sparkly glitter and weighted so they didn’t go floating up where nobody would be able to get them down again. There was a photo wall carefully stationed where the lighting was good - a few streamers were draped over the red brick wall, and it was the one location of bright light because the rest of the room was illuminated by the lanterns Jordan and Amaya had placed across the room that made the entire place look like a Disney movie - warm and gold and twinkling and beautiful. 

Sara smiled to herself. She was glad Ava had found someone who was as good to her as Jordan was. 

The evening had been perfect so far. It was nice, spending time with people at events like these - Sara hadn’t realised this was something she had missed out on in LA until now. Part of her was tempted to wonder how many other birthday parties she had missed, and how many other events she hadn’t been invited to, but she pushed the thought away, not giving it the chance to linger. She didn’t need that - not tonight. Tonight was about Ava, and about bringing everyone together for a much needed post-Christmas get together. 

But as much as she tried, Sara still couldn’t stop thinking about the quiz. Of course she’d been to parties like this before - birthday quizzes had been a tradition they’d started in college, making up trivia questions about dumb, small, ridiculously inconsequential things that had happened to each other over the past year and then having to see who knew who best every birthday. And yet somehow, Sara hadn’t realised until now - until the party had really, truly begun, music playing and people laughing and photos being taken - that when Jordan had suggested putting together a quiz, it would be a quiz  _ about Ava. _ Which was fine. For everyone else. It was a great way to have a laugh, bring up some fond memories, and have a good time while doing it. Sara knew that. It just wasn’t so great for  _ her _ , since she had spent the last five years avoiding every memory of Ava she had because she couldn’t bear to think about any of them. 

All too soon, people were pleasantly intoxicated and the aesthetic photos had ceased and they’d all got their fill of the first round of nibbles, and there they all were, sitting in teams at the tables around the room, laughing and teasing and grinning and debating the details of Ava Sharpe’s life. 

Two rounds in, Sara was starting to wish she had found some excuse to slip away before they had gotten to this point in the evening, because as she’d discovered, discomfort stirring in her stomach, the answer to  _ So You Think You Know Ava?  _ was yes. She did know Ava, far too well. 

That was the problem. 

Her team were losing. They didn’t  _ have _ to be losing - Sara could have answered half of these questions in her sleep, the knowledge so ingrained in her that she knew it without thinking, proof that every detail she’d ever learnt about Ava had been stored in a carefully locked box in her mind, but had never really faded.

Ava’s favourite movie. (It was the Cary Grant classic,  _ Arsenic and Old Lace. _ ) 

(Or at least, it had been five years ago.)

Ava’s favourite book. ( _ Holes  _ by Louis Sachar, it had been since she first read it when she was nine.) 

(...or at least, it had been five years ago.)

The name of the stuffed monkey that Ava had insisted on taking everywhere with her when she was six and a half, before it had met an unfortunate demise. (Jinx, dropped in the ocean when Ava and her family went whale watching one summer.) 

Ray glanced in Sara’s direction when another impossibly specific question was asked, subtly offering her the pen and their answer sheet for the quiz. Sara shook her head slightly, and sank further into her chair. Would it be too obvious to ask for a rum and coke? (...Spirits weren’t subsidised, so yeah. She was fairly sure she wouldn’t get away with it.) 

It felt a little like she was intruding on a moment she wasn’t supposed to be a part of, even though between thirty to forty people had been invited to Ava’s birthday party. There were colleagues from work, friends from college, and even a couple of friends from back home who Sara vaguely remembered meeting, once or twice - but judging by the exasperated groans going around the room and the intense discussions about potential answers, no one seemed to be doing too well.

Except Jordan, Sara supposed, glancing over to where Jordan, Amaya, Zari, and two of Jordan’s friends from work were huddled around their answer sheet, discussing potential answers. At that exact moment Jordan looked up, caught Sara’s eye, and grinned. Nate nudged Sara’s shoulder, giving her a pleading look. “We’re gonna get beaten by Jordan, you must remember  _ some _ of this stuff.” 

“Jordan is Ava’s  _ fiancée _ ,” Sara reasoned, rolling her eyes. “Of course you’re going to get beaten by her. And - five years is a long time.”

“You haven’t said you  _ don’t _ remember,” Nate pointed out unhelpfully, and then winced - Sara was fairly sure Ray kicked him under the table. She shot a grateful glance in Ray’s direction, avoiding Nate’s comment. Objectively, five years  _ was _ a long time. It was a long time to be away from your friends, and it was a long time to be away from home. It was enough time to go through four apartments, more than six jobs, and build a new life halfway across the country. But apparently, it wasn’t long enough to forget the first album Ava had bought with her pocket money fifteen and a half years ago. ( _ PCD  _ by the Pussycat Dolls.) 

Sara sighed, fishing her phone out of her pocket and spinning it around in her hand before realising that she couldn’t use it in the middle of a quiz and dropping it back down on the table. 

“Question 10!” called the MC - a  _ Verdant  _ employee named Louis who Sara had promised to cover three shifts for if he had MC’d the quiz. “Ava has two types of alcohol she will never touch. Give one of these, and the reason why she doesn’t drink it. You only get the points if the drink and the reason why match.” 

“Fuck, I know this - what is it!” hissed Nate, running his fingers through his hair. 

“C’mon Sara,” said Nora, nudging her. “You’ve gotta know this one.” 

Sara glanced over at Ava, who happened to look at her moments later with a wry grin that clearly said  _ I know you know every detail of this answer.  _

“Midouri,” said Sara through her teeth, “because of a high school senior year volleyball tournament where they all got so drunk on it that they had to postpone their bus home because everyone was so hungover.” 

Nate snorted and Ray beamed and the couple of work colleagues and other friends on their team all laughed at the story. 

“Amazing,” said Nora, her voice soft, as though she could see how torn Sara was over this stupid quiz. Sara avoided looking in her direction.

“We’re now gonna take a bit of a break before the second half of the quiz,” said Louis. “Go refill your drinks, get something to eat, be back in around 15 minutes!” 

“I gotta go to the bathroom,” Sara muttered, pushing herself up from her seat and ducking between the few people standing behind her and dashing out of the back room. 

Part of her had known that at some point one of her friends was going to call her out on this - properly call her out, rather than dropping overly large hints and hoping she’d stop ignoring them. If she had to place a bet, she would put it on Zari. Perhaps Amaya, in a gentler, less abrasive kind of way, or maybe even Jordan, who knew her just as well as any of the others by now despite having none of the history. If any one of them had pulled her aside and rolled their eyes and said ‘come on Sara, we know you’re pretending not to know the answers to these questions, even though it’s just a dumb quiz and you’re overthinking the whole thing’, she wouldn’t have been surprised.

So when Ava caught her arm on the way to the bar and stopped her in her tracks, giving her a long, hard look as though trying to work out what she mas missing, Sara couldn’t help but stare at her in momentary, unhidden shock. Ava narrowed her eyes, leaning against the bar with a careful look in her eyes. “It’s surprising,” she said, but didn’t add anything else - as though expecting Sara to know exactly what she was talking about and join in.

Sara’s lips twitched as a small irked flame of frustration flickered in her chest. “What is?” she asked, trying to keep her tone innocent and not at all snappy. Ava paused, eyes flickering over to Ray, Nate, and Nora, before eventually settling back on Sara. 

“You’re doing really badly at this.”

Sara shrugged, knowing with uncomfortable certainty that Ava could see right through her. “It’s a difficult quiz,” she reasoned, and Ava raised an eyebrow, giving Sara a glimpse of the familiar, competitive rivalry she and Ava had once had. Back when they had first met, every interaction had been nothing but this - a fight to be heard, a fight to be recognised, both of them clawing for each other’s attention without realising the growing attraction, admiration and then affection that was building between it all. It was a strange feeling, Sara realised, to feel that spark of competitiveness that was once so familiar with Ava, but without the  _ other  _ sparks between them that had accompanied it all. 

“It is,” Ava agreed, “but I still expected you to do better.”

Sara resisted the sudden urge to glare. She just wanted another drink. Or maybe two, or five - 

Ava eyed her up and down. “Unless you just don’t know the answers.”

Ava still looked skeptical, but something about her disbelief made Sara’s fingers itch, the urge to prove herself starting small, but growing and growing and growing with every second that Ava’s knowing gaze stayed fixed on her. “I’m not answering the questions, but that doesn’t mean I don’t know the answers,” Sara snapped, keeping her voice low so she couldn’t be overheard. 

“Then I think you’re missing the point of a  _ quiz  _ Sara,” Ava instantly retorted back instantly. Her tone was dry, and something about it made Sara’s glare intensify. 

“Oh thanks for clearing that up, I had no idea,” Sara hissed, and a genuine expression of confusion and curiosity flickered across Ava’s face. Sara resisted the urge to groan. For someone so intelligent, Ava could be so unbelievably obtuse. Knowing the answers to all of these questions about Ava’s life didn’t feel  _ right _ anymore. She’d walked away from this, and she’d given up this life. In another world,  _ she _ would have been the one sitting on a table right near the front, ring on her finger, twirling a pen around confidently because she was  _ supposed _ to know Ava this well … but that wasn’t them, not anymore. 

Ava swallowed, glancing over to Jordan. “Oh,” she said softly, and Sara, still wound up on adrenaline, pretended not to have heard.

** _October, 2013:_ **

_ “You really do know everything about me, don't you," Ava smiled, tilting her head slightly so she could press a slow, lingering kiss to Sara's bare shoulder, making her instantly forget what brought that comment on. Sara shifted so she could run her hand through Ava's hair, nails scraping lightly against her scalp and making Ava sigh contentedly, breath warm against Sara's skin. _

_ "I have spent a lot of time with you,” Sara said, and Ava hummed in agreement. She pressed another kiss to Sara’s shoulder, then shifted, rolling back over.  _

_ A few weeks ago, they’d started setting their alarms half an hour earlier than they needed to, because moments like these - which had been perfect during the summer, when neither of them had had work or plans for the day and could laze around in bed for as long as they wanted - had started feeling few and far between now both of their schedules had gotten busier. They were Sara’s favourite moments. The world was softer before anyone else woke up, when the sun was just beginning to rise and neither of them were properly awake, sleepy enough that their thoughts were unfiltered, their affection was unrestrained, and their words were quiet, gentle, and straight from the heart.  _

_ Ava’s eyes were closed as she lay on her back, and Sara resisted the urge to pull her back into a slow, gentle, drawn out kiss that somehow managed to convey the emotions she was feeling, emotions so deep she could never express them in words. _

_ Sara rolled onto her side, Ava’s casual comment sticking in her mind and refusing to go away, for reasons she knew she would never address once this moment had slipped away.  _

_ She breathed in slowly, and then exhaled.  _

_ “Does it ever scare you?” she said softly, words vanishing into their silent apartment. Sara lightly chewed her bottom lip, but tucked her hand under her pillow, waiting for Ava’s response. Ava would be honest with her - she always was. Every time Sara laid her heart bare, Ava was ready to reciprocate, letting Sara walk through the gate she’d built around her heart with the key she’d forged a long time ago, and had handed to Sara with only one condition - that she loves her, and lets herself be loved in return. _

_ Ava shook her head, but then paused, and thought carefully. “No,” she answered, “because it’s you. And I trust you. I’d tell you anything.” _

_ Sara exhaled slowly, carefully, a familiar yet still comforting warmth spreading out from her chest and reaching right down to her toes. Ava rolled onto her side to match Sara’s position, and seemed to hold her breath for a moment before asking, even quieter than Sara had, “does it scare  _ ** _you_ ** _ ?” _

_ It didn’t, no, not right now. Not with the early morning sun creeping through the window, not with Ava warm in bed next to her, not in their silent apartment that was a safe space for them both, somewhere they knew was theirs, and theirs alone. It didn’t scare Sara now, when Ava was right here beside her. But…  _

_ “It used to,” she admitted, eyes fixed on Ava’s, but Ava’s expression didn’t change. Because she already knew this, Sara supposed. They’d been dating for years, and Ava knew everything about her too - there was no reason why she wouldn’t have expected this answer. She’d undoubtedly considered this, back when they started dating. She had a big heart, and enough empathy for the both of them - when she wanted to let people in.  _

_ Sara’s eyes were fixed on Ava’s, crystal blue meeting genuine, caring curiosity.  _

_ She chose her words carefully, knowing that Ava wouldn’t care if she messed up what she was trying to say so long as it came from her heart, but wanting to get it right anyway. “It terrified me,” she admitted, closing her eyes for a moment. “I always trusted you, but letting you see me - all of me - I didn’t know how to do it. I didn’t understand how other people did it, either, and I was scared that if I gave you - or anyone - that much of myself, you’d know too much. You’d have… this part of me that was  _ ** _mine._ ** _ ” _

_ Ava tucked a stray piece of hair back behind Sara’s ear, fingertips gently stroking down Sara’s cheekbone and then lingering, for a second, before Ava let her hand drop. “To have a relationship with someone, you have to let them see you,” she said, and Sara nodded. _

_ “I knew that. I’m just…” she shrugged, as best as she could whilst lying down, smile a little bashful. “I’m not great at letting people in.” _

_ Ava laughed softly, and it sounded like sunlight. “I knew that right from the start. But… something changed.” _

_ Sara smiled, just as someone in the apartment above them started playing music, a familiar faint jazz playlist filtering through the thin walls. “I don’t know what. Honestly… I fell in love with you. That, and I realised, slowly, that you’d look after every piece of my heart I gave to you.” _

_ Ava nodded, closing the gap between them to kiss her, brief yet tender. “I will. And everything you know about me… I know you’ll keep it safe. I want to be with you forever, but even if I’m not… I know how much you care, Sara. How deeply you love. I know that every detail, every thought, every secret I’ve shared with you, they’re all safe.” _

_ Sara’s fingers found Ava’s jaw, and she guided their lips together. “I love you,” she murmured and felt Ava’s lips curve into a smile.  _

_ “I know.”  _

_ Sara poked her in the side, and she let out a breathy laugh, rolling her eyes and making Sara’s heart skip a beat. “I know,” Ava repeated, eyes sparkling, “and I love you too.” _

“Sara, this is just a quiz,” Ava said eventually, folding her arms across her chest. “A  _ birthday  _ quiz. It’s just dumb facts about me that I put together from all the little inconsequential stuff over my whole life that’s supposed to make people laugh at me and have fun. There isn’t anything about our relationship on there.”

“I know,” said Sara, picking at a loose chip of fake marble that had started to wear on the countertop of the bar. She’d been meaning to ask Roy Harper to fix it for weeks. Now it was the perfect outlet for her anxious, fidgeting fingers. “But I know the answer to basically every question here Ava -” 

“You could’ve fooled me, you’re currently in second to last place.” 

“ - but if I give my team the answers, a) it’ll look bad if I beat Jordan which honestly, I’m pretty sure I could, and b) if somebody asks how I know you so well, I don’t want to have to go through the awkward ex explanation.” Sara shrugged helplessly. “I feel like all the stuff I know about you crosses this line of privacy, but I can’t help it because I can’t just  _ not  _ know any of it.” 

Ava’s expression had softened considerably and she sighed, twirling her champagne flute in her fingers. “I know what you mean,” she said quietly, eyes flickering to her shoes. “I still remember so much about you. And it keeps coming back in waves, ever since you moved back to Star City. It feels so useless sometimes. What am I supposed to do with the knowledge that you have a weird fondness for tomato juice or that you almost burned down your first treehouse making smores with Laurel?” 

Sara grinned with a weak chuckle, murmuring a brief thanks to Nellie who slid a gin and tonic her way. She let out a slow exhale and then forced herself to meet Ava’s eyes. “It just still kinda feels like information I shouldn’t know anymore,” she admitted, and she could tell by the way Ava shifted her weight to her other foot that she did truly understand what Sara was saying.

There was a long pause, but eventually, Ava stepped forward just a little, close enough for Sara to feel both intimidated and challenged. “I’m not saying you should tell everyone my deep dark secrets,” she said with a wry smirk and Sara rolled her eyes. Ava glanced over to the scoreboard, and then back to Sara. “But Lance. Come on. You can do better than that.” She took a sip of champagne and then clinked her glass to Sara’s. “I’m expecting great things from you this half of the quiz.” 

Sara’s glare resumed, but it wasn’t as fiery as before and she couldn’t help but laugh as soon as Ava was just out of earshot. 

Predictably, Jordan’s team won. 

Sara’s team came second, just three points behind. 

* * *

She always ended up meeting Jordan in this cafe, but at least this time it was planned. Jordan slid into the seat opposite her, pulling off her hat and scarf and tucking them into her bag. “Sorry I’m late,” she apologised, and Sara smiled.

“It’s okay,” she said, taking in Jordan’s flushed cheeks and slightly windswept appearance. She’d clearly rushed here, although she hadn’t needed to. Sara had been here a while - the semester had only just started, but she already had marking to do, and it was much nicer to do it here than back in her apartment. (She and Zari were still trying to convince their landlord that  _ yes  _ Andrew, the radiator  _ is  _ broken and  _ no  _ Andrew, it’s not that the knob is just stuck. Currently the entire place was an icebox and she and Zari had resorted to staying at Ray and Nora and Amaya’s apartments, respectively, only venturing into their Antarctic tundra of an apartment to change clothes and pick up things they needed.) So Jordan was hardly keeping her waiting. “Was work busy?” Sara asked, and Jordan sighed.

“You have no idea. New year means all those fat cats up top are confronted with the work they shoved aside before the holiday season so they could all go on extravagant vacations to ski resorts with their families earlier in December. And of course, we’re the ones that have to pick up their slack.” 

“Naturally,” said Sara, grimacing sympathetically. 

“It’s okay though,” said Jordan. “My boss has always liked me, and he’s not one of the ones that’s piled heaps onto the rest of us. I think he’s even been hinting that if we can get through this start of year mountain, I might be in for some kind of promotion.” 

“Jordan, that’s amazing!” said Sara, beaming. 

Jordan’s cheeks coloured a little - from more than just cold this time - and she ducked her head. “Thanks. But don’t tell anyone - I’m not really sure yet. I just gotta bust my ass over the next couple of months and if I do get it, we can pop the champagne then.” 

“My lips are sealed,” promised Sara. 

“I didn’t want to see you to talk about work,” Jordan said decidedly. She reached into her bag, pulling out a box of chocolates and sliding them across the table. “These are for you.”

Sara frowned slightly, looking up from the chocolates to Jordan. She was missing something. “You already got me a birthday present,” she said assumingly, wrinkling her nose with confusion as she thought of the lovely, decadent camel coloured coat Jordan and Ava had given her as a birthday come Christmas gift. 

“It’s not for your birthday dumbass,” said Jordan, rolling her eyes. She shrugged one shoulder with a smile. “I wanted to get you something. As a thank you, for all of your help organising Ava’s party.”

Sara’s frown remained, but softened. “You didn’t need to - ”

“- I wanted to,” Jordan interrupted. “It was an amazing evening, and so much of that was down to you. You helped me plan, and get the venue, and decorate, and so much more. Amaya told me you always used to be the one who set up things like this for your group, before you left - and I can see why. You’re good at it. So … thank you.”

Sara tapped her fingers against the table, and looked across at Jordan. She was just ... so  _ genuine.  _ Sweet and smart and sharp tongued and she always had a twinkling mischievousness in her eye that reminded Sara of herself when she was younger. It was just impossible not to like her (not that Sara was trying to  _ dislike  _ her anymore). Ava was lucky to have someone like Jordan in her life. 

Jordan smiled again and Sara immediately noticed the way her eyes dimmed. “It’s also an apology,” she added, quieter this time. She looked a little awkward, but carried on despite it. “I didn’t realise until a few days before Ava’s birthday but involving you, like that … it wasn’t fair on you.”

“If I hadn’t wanted to do it, I would have told you,” Sara said, but Jordan shook her head.

“That’s not what I mean.” She sighed, swirling her coffee around in her mug and then placing it back down on the table. “She’s your ex.”

_ That doesn’t mean anything, _ Sara wanted to say, but the words never reached her lips. Jordan gave her a pointed look. “That  _ does _ mean something,” she said, and it shocked Sara a little that after barely six months, Jordan already knew her this well. It seemed to hit Jordan as well and an uncharacteristic apprehension appeared to strike her and she waited for Sara to speak, as though a little unsure if she’d crossed a line. When Sara still couldn’t figure out what to say, Jordan softened slightly, knowing she’d hit the nail on the head. She traced a faint ring on the table left by where her mug of coffee had originally sat, biting her lip. “Have I ever mentioned my ex-girlfriend?”

This wasn’t where Sara had expected this conversation to go. 

Jordan took her silence as an answer, and her lips twitched slightly. “She was a bitch,” she said bluntly, “and she broke my heart. Properly, absolutely crushed it. Beyond repair, I thought at the time. It was a long time ago - first year of college - and I barely ever think about her now. And when I do, it’s mostly with contempt and a bit of satisfaction that I’m probably kicking way more ass at life than she is.” 

Sara snorted with laughter. 

“But sometimes memories of her just  _ appear _ and I have no control over it. Good ones. The moments before it sucked. That feeling of knowing how much she loved me. Those beautiful, magical moments where time kinda slowed down and it was like we were in this little bubble and nothing would break it and time would never pick up again. It was the first time I’d ever been in love, and I couldn’t imagine that that feeling wouldn’t last forever.” 

Sara’s stomach churned and she couldn’t help but glancing away, desperate for Jordan not to get a read on the expression on her face. She didn’t even know what it was. She didn’t know what the hell she was even feeling about this conversation. 

“I think it’s the same for everyone,” said Jordan with a sigh. “You never forget your first love, right? And there are some days - like her birthday - when she’s always on my mind. Not because I miss her, or because I want what we had back, but because … I don’t know. It was one of the days where I really, really felt like she was mine.” Jordan shrugged, with a slightly melancholy smile. “Birthdays are special.”

Sara nodded slowly, cautious of giving Jordan the wrong idea. 

“I guess what I’m saying, really, is that I’m sorry I didn’t consider this before. That even though you and Ava are long over, and that you don’t want her back, it doesn’t change the fact that you had something beautiful once upon a time and those memories are never going to just disappear. You helped me so much with something that must have brought back so many feelings of what you had together all those years ago, and I’m grateful you still care about Ava enough to help me with her birthday even though it must have been hard for you.” She pushed the chocolates across the table again, and the corner of her lips twitched. “ _ So.  _ Thank you. And take the fucking chocolates, they’re expensive.”

Sara laughed softly, finally glancing properly back at Jordan, who was giving her an understanding smile. This whole situation was messed up, but somehow they all seemed to have come out of it unscathed. This would have been fine either way, but of course Jordan had come to find her just so they could talk about it, not wanting Sara to have to hide how she was feeling, even though Sara’s feelings were the least of her concerns right now. 

“You’re right,” Sara said softly, as Jordan took a sip of her coffee. Sara swallowed, and bit the inside of her lip. “But I meant everything I said earlier. Ava’s birthday  _ did _ bring up things I was ignoring, but I don’t regret helping you organise that party. I wanted to. I just … I wish things weren’t still this complicated.”

“Things are always complicated,” Jordan replied, eyes fixed on Sara’s, gentle and compassionate. “And you should probably stop ignoring your feelings. Apparently that’s what we’re supposed to do when we’re adults.” 

“Gross,” said Sara with a smirk and Jordan laughed in agreement. Sara’s eyes flickered up to the high, arched ceiling with fancy light fixtures and expertly placed plants along a second floor of the building reserved for the unbelievably wealthy Star City residents who could afford the upstairs apartments along this block of the city. She was suddenly reminded of sitting in her and Ava’s apartment, laughing as Ava frustratedly tried to arrange her recently purchased pot plants perfectly around the room. Sara sighed. “I’m not in love with Ava,” she prefaced. 

“Sara, I  _ know _ ,” said Jordan. “You can talk to me about the weirdness of all this without having to justify yourself with the disclaimer that you’re not trying to steal Ava out from under my nose. I know you, I know you wouldn’t do that to me.” 

Sara wouldn’t. She had done that before - been the person that stole Oliver away from Laurel - and then she had been on the other side of it, the one heartbroken and shattered when Oliver had confessed that he’d only really been with her was to make Laurel jealous. Even with all the armour she’d built for herself over the years, Sara would never stoop to being that person again. Especially now. 

And she wasn’t lying anyway - she  _ didn’t  _ have feelings for Ava. She just …  _ missed  _ having those feelings instead. 

“I have all these leftover memories and emotions and facts and useless knowledge,” said Sara, picking at her nail polish. “It came up every once in a while when I was in LA but for the most part I could forget it, you know? But now that I’m back - now that Ava and I are friends and we see each other all the time, I can’t just keep it buried. It keeps coming up, keeps just sparking in the back of my mind. And all of it is associated with this feeling I had of belonging with someone and loving someone and being so happy with that life and that person I was at the time and … I’m making my way back to that version of myself but it feels so cluttered and crowded by this haunting shadow of what Ava and I had because … no matter what, when I make my way back to this part of myself I’ve been looking for it’s not gonna be what I remember. And that’s because - ”

“You’re not with Ava,” Jordan finished. 

“And I don’t  _ want  _ to be,” Sara said quickly and Jordan gave her a  _ look.  _ “Right, yeah. You know.” Sara pushed her hair away from her face frustratedly. “I dunno. I just - I wish I could forget. Or give it all to you. I just don’t know what to do with it all. It’s like the rest of me has moved on but this tiny part of my head is stuck in five years ago - and not in the loving Ava part of five years ago, but just in the memories of it all.” 

“I think you’re brave,” said Jordan, and Sara blinked in surprise. 

“Brave?” she echoed. 

Jordan nodded. “Yeah. Being in LA was the perfect place and the perfect way to just bury all of this. But coming back to what you left behind brings up this whole conflict of  _ yourself  _ and who you are that you can’t run away from and you’re just standing here and facing it at every turn. That’s pretty fucking badass Sara.” She didn’t give Sara time to flush or try to weakly insist she wasn’t doing anything that impressive at all. “And I think you have to look at it differently. I think right now, you’re imagining that this you moving forward in your life is completely separate from those memories in your head of Ava and your relationship with her and beyond that, your whole life here five years ago. But all of that is a part of you Sara. If you could forget it all, or give it to someone else, this version of you wouldn’t exist at all. The fact that you  _ care  _ about this - that you’re sitting here talking to me about it - is proof that it’s part of the make up of who you are now. And of course it hurts and it’s confusing and you’re not quite sure what to do with it. But I think you just need to give it time to settle into your own story and your own history. Eventually it won’t feel out of place, but it’ll be this nostalgia and you’ll be able to trace back exactly how it led you to where you are now.” 

Sara let out a soft, incredulous laugh that was barely more than a huff of air. “God Jordan. You sure you weren’t destined to be a therapist or something?” 

Jordan grinned, all teeth and twinkling eyes. “Good to know I have options in case I totally fuck up the start of year mountain and get fired instead of promoted.” 

Sara rolled her eyes, tossing a napkin at her which Jordan dodged with an indignant “Hey!” before checking her watch and then grimacing apologetically. “I’m so sorry,” she said, reaching for her hat. “Ava’s car’s in the shop so I have to pick her up from work. But listen, we’ll get drinks soon and keep talking about this okay? I know you’re weird about talking about all this with anyone except me and Zari so I’m not letting you off the hook that easily.” 

Sara nodded. “Fine,” she said. “But you’re buying the drinks.” 

“Are you kidding?” said Jordan, frowning. “You’re the one with the employee discount.” 

“You’re the one about to be promoted,” Sara shot back with a cheeky smirk and Jordan glared, flipping her off. “Get outta here,” Sara said, passing her her scarf. Jordan stood up and pushed her chair back under the table, but Sara caught her attention before she had the chance to leave. “It was a lovely party,” she said, eyes wide and honest. “Ava’s, I mean. Thanks for letting me be a part of it.” She gestured to the chocolates. “And thank you. For these.”

Jordan laughed softly, nodded, and squeezed her shoulder on the way out of the door. Sara leant back in her chair and picked up the box of chocolates, twirling it around in her hand. She hoped Jordan got her promotion - she deserved it. Even though it had been complicated at first, Sara was incredibly glad that she’d been lucky enough to meet her.


	12. i'm sorry for the way things are around here (i'm sorry things ain't the way they used to be)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Sara had had one of the best nights in years at her birthday dinner. Even Christmas, despite its feelings of emptiness, had been spent with Laurel who Sara had missed so much. And Ava’s birthday had turned out to be a good night at the end of it all too. But this week - always this week, every damn year - no matter how bright and vibrant and on track Sara’s life was, it derailed and Sara found herself slipping, tumbling, free falling down into this black hole, so thick and suffocating that she was sure she wouldn’t be able to claw her way back out. And just like always, no one else seemed to notice."
> 
> OR
> 
> it's the anniversary of quentin's death, and sara's not quite as okay as she thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi team!!! 
> 
> happy valentine's day / sort of anniversary of the HSAU ending (!) / update day <3 
> 
> thank u as always for all ur kind words and lovely comments for last chapter, esp to those super absolutely lovely folks on twitter who had a lil rave about this fic, it made our week and reminded us of why we loved posting the hsau so much XXX this chapter is such an important one bc it's like chapter 8, a big turning point in sara and ava's friendship, and sara's relationship with living in star city. it's an angsty one though so get ready for some feelings. 
> 
> leave some birthday wishes for rach in the comments, it was her birthday on wednesday!! 
> 
> (p.s. chapter title is from i'm sorry by richard walters)

** _February, 2020:_ **

The beach was cold and unwelcoming as the overcast afternoon faded into just as dull and ominous an evening. 

Sara curled her fingers into the sand all around her. Coarse. Icy. Soft.

She looked around, eyes unfocused. She wasn’t sure if she felt  _ weighed down  _ or  _ unweighted _ , either sinking into the ground, disappearing among the dunes and the freezing salt water lapping at the shores, or floating in the stormy skies and completely detached from her own body. Maybe both. A turbulent mixture of grief and insecurity that had her heart and mind and thoughts twisted into a confusing, indiscernible mess.

She didn’t know when this had happened. She - she was  _ good _ , she had been doing good. Great, even. She’d felt like she belonged here, had stepped back into the life she’d been subconsciously craving so badly all these years away from Star City. She’d finally connected with her friends - truly, properly connected, not the awkward superficial civility from when she’d first returned. She and Ava had left their animosity behind them after Thanksgiving. Hell, Sara had even hooked up with John a few times, gone on a couple of Tinder dates - one girl from last week, Lindsey, was a nurse and Sara had really liked her. They were supposed to go to dinner again tomorrow. 

Sara had had one of the best nights in years at her birthday dinner. Even Christmas, despite its feelings of emptiness, had been spent with Laurel who Sara had missed so much. And Ava’s birthday had turned out to be a good night at the end of it all too. But this week -  _ always  _ this week, every damn year - no matter how bright and vibrant and on track Sara’s life was, it derailed and Sara found herself slipping, tumbling, free falling down into this black hole, so thick and suffocating that she was sure she wouldn’t be able to claw her way back out. And just like always, no one else seemed to notice. 

In LA, it hadn’t really mattered. Sara was better at keeping her emotions zipped up and tucked away so nobody would see. In LA, nobody  _ knew  _ what this week was so it didn’t hurt as much when nobody reached out a hand to help Sara back up into light and life and finding her way out of this. But here, just like LA, the world kept turning, and everybody else’s busy lives seemed even more full of excitement than they had been before. Ava and Jordan continued to make wedding plans, Ray kept climbing the ranks of his company, Zari quietly got a promotion and started hanging out more and more with Amaya as their work hours coincided better than Zari and Sara’s did, and Nate buried himself in the new history programmes he was helping create for the summer. Wally changed jobs, and started spending less time in Star City. Mick started writing a novel, and seemed to have found a burst of new life. Thea studied and partied and grew up.

The pace had picked up, and Sara found herself unable to keep up, running along at the back of the race, unable to breathe because her lungs were working overtime and heart was pounding in her chest.

It was stupid - it was always stupid, every year it felt more and more stupid - but she had assumed she would find a way to  _ fix _ herself, so she wouldn't have to feel like this anymore. Maybe LA had been better after all. She'd been in Star City for months, but here she couldn't avoid this broken ache of loneliness that she’d carried on her shoulders for half a decade, couldn’t shake it with the premise of a new city, new job, new life. 

Sara shook her head bitterly. There were people who needed her. She knew that. Logically, yes, she knew that. People who had promised that they would be upset if she decided to leave again, people who had brought more warmth into her life over the past few months than Sara had felt since her final year of college. But today -  _ this week  _ \- that felt like the furthest thing from the truth. It had felt less and less like the truth for a long time, the loneliness building slowly and steadily. It had never quite left from the early days of being back in Star City but it had grown exponentially since - well, since Sara’s birthday, when no one seemed to have missed her. Spending it with Laurel had been nice but all she’d wanted was that buzz of people she’d so quickly gotten used to. She’d had a daydream about Christmas and birthday presents at Amaya’s with an elaborate Christmas lunch with turkey and ham and stuffing and potatoes and pudding, drives out to the beach afterwards on a cold but bright, clear day that ended up with desert for dinner and glasses of champagne and laughter that lasted into the early hours of the morning. 

Instead, it had been almost empty, apart from the quiet companionship of Laurel that Sara felt guilty for admitting wasn’t nearly enough.

Today though. Today, she’d thought someone might care. She hadn’t dared to think it for longer than a split second that morning, but she’d secretly hoped that maybe they would remember what today was for her, and make an effort to check up on her. 

They hadn’t. They either didn’t know, or didn’t care, and Sara didn’t know which was worse.

When it came down to it, she supposed she was easy to forget. She couldn’t fault anyone for it, really - it had been years since she’d been at the forefront of their minds, and no one else’s lives revolved around her. There was no reason for the date of her dad’s death to stick in their minds, especially since she hadn’t come back to Star City since. And anyway, they’d barely made it to the funeral, and only Zari and Jax had stuck around to be with her the whole time. 

(They  _ had _ tried to reach out to her on the first anniversary of his death, she reminded herself guiltily. Zari had passed their messages along, accompanied by a few careful comments about her changing her number too frequently. Sara had ignored her.)

She shivered. 

She wanted to be alone, but the loneliness was almost too much to bear.

She wanted people to love her, and she wanted her friends to care, but having any of their attention directed towards her felt impossible. Asking for it felt even more unbearable.

Her fingers had been itching when she drove all the way out here, fighting the urge to run, pulling in here off the highway because she had to go  _ somewhere _ , but if she went too far she might not turn back around. It was a compromise, of sorts - the best one her barely-functioning brain could come up with, even if it did leave her at a beach filled with more memories than she could begin to process.

She had sat down near the edge of the beach, hoping that being here would give her the chance to breathe. Only now it had been hours and the waves kept gently creeping towards her and that weight on her chest was as heavy as ever, nothing changing except for the few people who came and went; lone dog walkers, couples, and occasionally a family or two. It hadn’t crossed Sara’s mind to bring a real jacket, and the loose, grey cardigan had a far too open knit to provide any kind of protection from the icy winds rippling over the beach. Crisp, cold sunshine faded behind the clouds, and the world turned overcast, yellow light becoming a sombre, miserable grey. Sara trailed her fingers through the cold sand and then picked up a handful, letting the gentle breeze blow it away. It felt like a metaphor, but she didn't know what of. Life was passing her by, and the one person who might have had some decent advice for her wasn't here to give it. Her dad had always been able to gently guide her in the right direction, on the few occasions she had asked him. It never came without a few concerned questions and a gentle, lighthearted ribbing, but right now Sara would happily have accepted that too.

She wished she could cry. Her emotions were bubbling over, out of control, but she couldn't seem to feel them. If she closed her eyes, she could almost convince herself that she was back in LA with sand beneath her feet and the waves crashing against the shore and everything she was ignoring far behind her, left at home where her heart belonged. It wasn't an ideal situation, but it was better than this. 

No - not better, the quiet, reasonable voice in Sara’s brain reminded her.

If it hadn't been the anniversary, she might have been able to hold it together. That had been the last straw, the one that had made her call into work and cancel her shift and drive all the way out here to a beach she missed getting to hang out at every summer, and every Saturday her dad managed to get off work when her and Laurel were in middle school. Every year since Quentin's death, she'd convinced herself that it would be okay this time, and that maybe for once she'd manage to hold herself together until the day had passed. Every year so far, she had been wrong.

Sara closed her eyes, the emptiness she had almost managed to forget eating away at her from the inside out. 

She was overwhelmed by a feeling she usually managed to avoid, an all encompassing urge to go  _ home _ . It was all she wanted. Only in this case, home wasn't a place she could ever go back to - it was an idea, a distant memory, somewhere where she had been safe and warm and protected and loved. Somewhere that seemed permanent, at the time. As if this idea of family - with all of its flaws - was a certainty, a point in her life that she would always have to guide her. A star in the night sky that she would always be able to find. She hadn't realised that one day far too soon the home she knew and loved would be out of reach.

When she was younger, her dad had been invincible. Unstoppable. He had been the best cop Star City had, and the best dad she could have hoped for. He had given her and Laurel everything they could have ever needed to succeed. Sara held back a bitter laugh, eyes burning. She wasn't sure what she was doing now, but she certainly wouldn't call it succeeding.

Sitting on a deserted beach in the middle of winter struggling to keep it together was never going to make her father proud.

Laurel had messaged her around midday asking her to call, but she hadn't. She had texted instead, a halfhearted lie that she was okay, and that she was spending the day with friends. It was a lie that Laurel would be able to see through right away, but wouldn't know what to do with. Sara knew that she was being unhelpful on a day when the only thing Laurel wanted was to take care of her, but she couldn't bring herself to be honest with her when Laurel's default response would have been to call immediately and smother her with the affection she thought Sara might need, when in actual fact it was the last thing she wanted right now. Laurel was wonderful, and had done everything she could, but it wasn't her fault her little sister was crumbling.

Sara was brittle glass, fine and delicate and too easily smashed - and anyone who came too close could fracture her into pieces (and definitely get hurt in the process) - Laurel shouldn’t have to be the one to put her back together every time she fell apart.

The world spun slightly, and Sara closed her eyes. Had she eaten anything today? She wasn't sure. The world was fuzzy around the edges, clouds obscuring a sunset that might be beautiful, or inspiring, or so much more. A good sunset always had the ability to make her feel more human. 

Today, it didn't seem to be in the cards .

* * *

** _June, 2014:_ **

_ She wanted Ava.  _

_ That was the root of this, when she simplified it. She wanted Ava, and she hated herself for wanting Ava. She hated that she  _ ** _needed_ ** _ Ava, even after moving all this way.  _

_ She wanted Ava's arms, curled tight around her shoulders. She wanted Ava to tell her that things would work out, and that this crippling, crushing pain wrapped around her was only temporary, and that at some point the clouds would clear and she would blink the sleep from her eyes and realise that it had all been a bad dream, she and Ava were still getting along fine, she hadn't upped and left because things were over and she couldn't find a way to reconcile still being there when Ava felt so far away. _

_ But that was the whole damn point of it right? She was here because Ava wasn’t.  _

_ Sara dragged herself off of her bed, grabbed her keys, and left the shitty apartment she'd managed to convince the owner to let her rent for fifty dollars less than the asking price. The streets of LA were still unfamiliar, but today Sara didn't have the energy to take it all in. She knew the way to the nearest beach, and that was what mattered. If she couldn't have Ava, she needed water. She needed to walk barefoot across the sand and let the waves wash across her toes, she needed the tide to take her wandering thoughts with it as it slowly ebbed away, she needed the breeze in her hair and the fresh sea air and something that was familiar, even though it would be wrong.  _

_ Of course it would be wrong. It was going to be the wrong beach. She was in the wrong place - it wasn't  _ ** _her_ ** _ beach - or  _ ** _their _ ** _ beach, she reminded herself, stomach twisting itself in knots. It wouldn't be the beach she and Ava had spent hours walking up and down, hand in hand. It wouldn't be the beach they had swum at in the summer, or the beach they had had endless picnics and soccer games and late night barbecues at in the summer. It wouldn’t be the beach she and Ava used to drive to when they needed to clear their heads, and the idea of these memories being absent when she got there was enough to make Sara reconsider where she was headed. _

_ Zari would say that this blank slate was a good thing - she had to stop forcing herself to relive all of these old memories, or something like that. She couldn't keep putting herself through this over and over again, making everything hurt more because she was miserable, and at least when it hurt she could be certain she was feeling  _ ** _something_ ** _ . Zari would tell her that even though it was hard, she needed to move on. She needed to find places that meant something to her - but just to her. If she was insistent on staying here in LA, she needed friends. She needed a job, and an apartment that she was a little less likely to get evicted from with no notice whatsoever. _

_ (Zari was wrong. What she needed was Ava). _

_ The beach wasn't far, and Sara found herself there without really remembering the route she took to get there. She kicked off her shoes, and pulled her hair out of the ponytail she was wearing, letting the gentle breeze blow it where it pleased. She closed her eyes, the sun hot against her skin, briefly chastising herself for not wearing sunscreen before realising that it was Ava's voice in her head, not hers, and biting the inside of her lip instead. It felt stupid, to miss Ava this much when she was the one who walked away and gave up any chance to keep Ava in her life even though they were no longer together. But she'd never been able to reason with herself. Logic had never been her forte. _

_ Sara inhaled deeply, and then exhaled. She sat down on the beach, and trailed her fingers through the sand. People were playing volleyball behind her, the shouts of the players ringing out across the sand. It was a beach just like any other beach, and yet the sand was softer than back home. The beach was busier. The sun was warmer, and the people more tanned. The waves were calmer - at least something was. _

_ For no particular reason Sara's stomach suddenly lurched, her heart twisted, and her ribs tightened around her lungs. Her hand made a fist around a handful of LA sand and she stared at it, the world narrowing to a point, mind going fuzzy around the edges.  _

_ She took a shaky breath, and the moment passed. _

_ She was coming to the unpleasant realisation that before they broke up, Ava had been the one holding her steady. Ava had been the one who reminded her to breathe at times like these, and talked her through whatever irrational panic had wormed its way into her heart. Ava was the one who would find her when she ran off like this and attempted to avoid talking about whatever was going on, and would sit with her until she was ready to let someone else in. _

_ Sara swallowed. She needed Ava. She needed her more than ever. _

_ She closed her eyes, attempted to focus on the sound of the waves lapping against the shore, and pretended that the burning sensation in her eyes was because it was the middle of summer and the sun was bright and she still hadn't bought any fucking sunglasses.  _

_ She had to stop needing Ava. _

_ She had to stop wanting Ava.  _

_ The time in her life when Ava would be their to pick her up when she stumbled was over, because she had given up any chance of friendship too. She had to let this go. _

_ She just didn’t know how. _

* * *

Hypothermia was a very distinct possibility right about now but Sara was either too paralysed by grief, or the cold had already worked its way into her bones and she had literally lost the ability to move. At least her mind was a little clearer than it had been before. Sitting here and slowly going numb, both literally and figuratively, was much better than sitting in her apartment with nothing to do except think. (And drink, probably.) It was better to be alone here than alone back there, surrounded by people who were supposed to care.

The tide came in, and washed back out, taking some of Sara’s tangled thoughts with it. 

There hadn’t been anyone here for almost an hour, which was why the sound of a car rolling into the carpark behind her caught Sara’s attention. Somebody else here to take their dog for a walk, or another insane surfer in the warmest wetsuit possible about to dive into the waves. Sara forced her arm up, wiping her face with her sleeve in case somebody glanced her way and she did in fact, look like the mess she felt she was. Nobody walked in front of her over the beach, nobody ran into the water. Instead, Sara felt the hair on the back of her neck bristle at the feeling of somebody walking towards her, hovering in the dunes behind where she was sitting. Sara clenched her jaw. Her muscles were too stiff to turn and look who it was. The person moved, carefully wandering to where Sara was sitting and dropping to sit beside her. Sara swallowed, closing her eyes - she didn’t have to look to know who it was. The perfume, the coat, the flash of her hair colour that Sara could catch out of the corner of her eye, the carefully looked after brown leather boots now digging into the sand. 

“Sara,” Ava said quietly, cautious. Sara kept her eyes closed. She knew there were still faintly visible tear tracks down her cheeks. She hadn’t expected anyone to come find her, and now Ava was here Sara had no idea how she was supposed to act. Ava had seen her fall apart a million times but not about this. And not since they broke up. She was the only one who hadn’t been there at Quentin’s funeral and Sara had kept a (definitely unhealthy) lid on her emotions since then. She hadn’t even cried at Jax’s funeral, but she knew somewhere in her mind that a good part of that had been out of a stubborn refusal to show any kind of vulnerability in front of Ava.

But Ava was here now, so it didn’t really matter what Sara wanted. At least she was warm. She had sat down slightly closer to Sara than normal, and Sara could feel the heat radiating off of her even through the three layers of clothing she had on. “Fuck Sara, put this on, you’re gonna get pneumonia,” Ava said, holding out a hoodie with a veterinary college logo embroidered onto the sleeve. “Amaya left this in my car a couple of months ago.”

Sara took it without speaking, attempting to force her numb limbs through the sleeves. Her uncooperative fingers caught on the fabric, and she bit her lip. Her eyes burned, and she felt Ava shift beside her. 

She didn’t  _ want _ Ava to see her like this. 

But Ava didn’t speak either, looking out to the sea and watching dog-walkers come strolling across the beach whilst Sara curled her fingers into the sleeves of the thick hoodie and pulled her knees up to her chest. The hoodie smelled like both Amaya and Ava, and Sara’s heart twisted. This pit Sara was at the bottom of was messing with her emotions. Making her  _ miss  _ Ava in a way she hadn’t in a long, long time. 

After a long moment Ava sighed, eyes flickering over Sara, looking concerned enough that it made Sara’s heart ache more. She had wanted someone to care, but she hadn’t wanted to hurt anyone in the process, especially not Ava. Ava was looking at her with a familiar burning desire to  _ fix _ something, to  _ do _ something, to take all of her problems away, and before she knew it, Sara found tears burning in her eyes yet again, no idea whether they were tears for a dad she missed or for friends she had hurt or for a life she wanted back but never quite seemed able to grasp before it slipped between her fingers. 

A breeze made Sara shiver, and Ava tugged off her beanie, gently pulling it down over Sara’s ears. “I’m sorry Sara,” she said quietly, and Sara’s fingers curled tighter into the sleeves of the hoodie. She shook her head. It was an apology for Quentin, and she didn’t need it - it was too late for that. A few tears slipped down her cheeks before she could catch them, and it felt almost worse that she knew these tears, this time, weren’t for him. She bit her lip, and then wiped her eyes on her sleeve. Talking about this seemed like a bad idea, but part of her - a part she had never quite managed to lock away - knew that this was  _ Ava _ . Even though the friendship they’d been building over the past few months was tentative at best, Ava wasn’t going to repeat this conversation with anyone. 

“It’s not about Dad,” she admitted, not having enough energy to hate the way her voice shook. “Not really.” She looked up to find Ava’s eyes fixed on hers, patient and gentle and concerned as she quietly, shakily added “that’s what makes this worse.”

Ava frowned, ever so slightly, and the lump in Sara’s throat grew. 

She wanted to talk to her dad about everything that was going on - that was what had brought this on, if she looked at it from a colder, more detached point of view. But other than that … right now, there were other things on her mind. Like the friends who once upon a time had promised to always be there for her, but now suddenly weren’t. Although … ‘suddenly’ wasn’t true. There had been nothing sudden about it. (She had promised to be there for them too, she reminded herself, stomach turning.) It was all so complicated now.

Sara tucked her hair back behind her ear with still-numb fingers, hoping Ava couldn’t see how badly they were shaking. She must look like a mess right now. She had been managing to hold herself together for almost all of the eight months she had been back in Star City - she should have known that it wouldn’t last forever.

“What do you mean?” Ava asked softly, and Sara swallowed.

She exhaled slowly, giving Ava a look that was resigned at best, and completely helpless at worst. She’d always been good at falling apart. “Does anyone actually want me here?” she asked, with a hint of desperation. “Did anyone really want me to move back?”

“Sara - ” 

Ava stopped, words caught in her throat. Sara wanted to look away, but found she couldn’t tear her eyes away from Ava. Ava swallowed. “What do you mean, Sara?” she asked softly, and Sara shrugged.

It was an innocent question, and Ava meant it well, but after eight months of overcoming awkwardness and rebuilding almost-but-not-quite friendships with the people she was closest to, surely it was impossible to miss. Sara didn’t understand how Ava  _ hadn’t _ seen it. It was glaringly obvious, especially on days like today. 

She didn’t fit in.

There were gaps in the things she should know, and the things other people should know about her.

Maybe they’d all gotten better at pretending over the past few months, but her friends weren’t  _ hers _ , and even though Amaya had promised that the distance between them was felt by everyone, it was impossible to believe everyone else was living with this unsolvable ache that reappeared at odd times and made this place feel like somewhere she should run from, rather than somewhere she wanted to stay. 

Ava’s eyes were still fixed on her, waiting for an answer, and Sara shrugged again. “I don’t know,” she admitted, looking away despite knowing Ava had already registered her hopeless expression. “It’s just - for a while things felt  _ better, _ and now it feels like it did at the start all over again, and… ” she took a breath, trying to organise her thoughts into something at least vaguely rational. “For the first few months after I came back, the only thing people seemed to have to say was to make sure I didn’t fuck anything up between you and Jordan. You - well, not  _ you _ \- but everyone else… they said they wanted me back, but… it didn’t feel like it. I didn’t belong here. Not like I always had before. And I  _ know _ that I left. I got reminded, over and over and over again, and I was unpredictable and people weren’t quite sure what to expect so they had a right to be wary but…” 

She looked over to Ava, not attempting to hide the desperation in her eyes, or the tears that refused to leave. “I was a bitch to you and Jordan, I know that. But I never would have  _ done _ anything, even though you all thought I was going to. And - Kendra, and Carter, and everyone from college - they still seem to be waiting for me to do something. To fuck everything up.”

Ava opened her mouth to say something, but Sara shook her head slightly, aware that her thoughts weren’t making sense but needing to get them all out now she had started. She buried her freezing feet into the sand, and Ava’s concern seemed to double. “I thought I’d made peace with this,” she admitted quietly, and Ava looked as if she was about to reach out, but caught herself at the last minute. “I thought maybe… if I stuck around, things would change. And then - with you, and the rest of our group - I started to believe things  _ had _ . I  _ let _ myself believe that things had. And then suddenly it was Christmas and no one was around and I  _ know _ people have families and stuff and traditions have changed and we had a birthday dinner before you all left, but - I was here, for Christmas, and none of you were. Laurel came, but I don’t have any other family to go home to.”

She shrugged hopelessly, and Ava shuffled a little closer, close enough that she could nudge Sara’s knee gently with her own. Sara took a shaky breath. “I was kinda hoping someone else might stick around. It was stupid, but… we used to be each other’s family, you know?”

“I know,” Ava said softly, and she looked as if she had more to say, but wasn’t sure whether to wait for Sara to finish. If she did finish. At the moment, she seemed unable to stop every insecurity that had ever crossed her mind since she’d been back here in Star City from pouring out into the open. She’d always been good at bottling her feelings, but she seemed to have lost the cork.

“I keep waiting for the ball to drop,” she mumbled, avoiding Ava’s eyes. “It still feels like at some point I’m going to mess this up and everyone’s gonna remember that things were better without me here. It’s like - like me being here is conditional. I can stay, as long as I don’t act like  _ me _ . And - ” she closed her eyes, and swallowed the lump in her throat. “It was hard enough trying to decide whether to stick around the first time. I just - I just wanted to find somewhere I belonged. But it still feels like no one wants me here, and -”

“ _ Stop _ Sara,” Ava finally interrupted, and Sara’s breath caught in her throat. Fuck. She’d said too much, and these weren’t issues Ava needed to hear about when all she’d expected was to comfort Sara about her dad or to drive her home or - “ _ Stop _ .” 

Ava took a slow, measured breath, and Sara attempted to pretend she couldn’t see her trying to quickly process everything she had said, digging her toes further into the sand. She hadn’t noticed Ava reaching out to take her arm, but now her grip was tight, almost tight enough that it hurt. Sara turned to look at her, to find desperate blue eyes much closer to hers than expected, brimming with too many emotions to count. She held Ava’s gaze, and found herself overwhelmed by the sheer amount of concern staring back at her, concern that was tangled with regret and worry and understanding, but Sara didn’t know what of. 

“We haven’t always seen eye to eye,” Ava admitted, voice a little shaky. “But don’t you  _ dare _ say that, Sara. You don’t get to say that we don’t want you here, because we do. Of course we do. And you being here - that’s not conditional, and it never should have felt like it. This is your  _ home _ .”

Sara hoped Ava couldn’t see her hands shaking. She sounded almost angry that Sara had been made to feel this way, and without warning Sara found her eyes burning, and her throat burning too, her breath feeling as though it had been sucked right from her chest. “It hasn’t felt like home since dad died,” she mumbled quietly, and the barely audible ‘oh’ that left Ava’s lips sounded like deep down, she had always known that this conversation would lead back here. Because it was  _ today _ that had been the final straw.

Sara didn’t notice herself start to cry, but when Ava pulled her into a hug her tears soaked into the shoulder of Ava’s sweater all the same. Something inside of her was broken and ached, deeply, and she desperately needed someone to tape it back together or to at least hold the pieces for a while until she could work out how to fix it herself. Her dad would have known how to fix this, or he would have helped her find a way. Things didn’t used to be like this. She used to have people, until she lost it all, people that she had foolishly believed she could get back just by sticking around and attempting to move past five years worth of pain and hurt and regret. She attempted to breathe, but when all that came out was another sob Ava’s arms tightened around her, and she ran one hand lightly across Sara’s back. 

Sara closed her eyes and let Ava pull her closer. 

God, Ava was warm. Ava was safe. Ava was solid and reassuring and she had driven all the way out here in the hopes she might find her, because she knew she might need someone - because she  _ did _ need someone. And even though this was the first time they had hugged in over five and a half years, Ava’s arms felt more familiar than anywhere else had since the moment she’d set foot back here. Sara let out a shaky breath, and sank into Ava’s embrace. 

“We’ll make it feel like home again,” Ava promised eventually, and Sara attempted to nod into her shoulder, but knew it was a halfhearted attempt. Ava could tell too, Sara knew she could, but she let her stay where she was for a moment longer before pulling away slightly so she could look her in the eyes. Ava wiped Sara’s tears from her cheeks with a smile which quickly faded. “Sara - you said a lot of things that I want to talk to you about, not all right now, and not here, but - I need you to know that everyone -  _ all _ of us, me included - we  _ do _ want you here. And I have no idea how I can convince you that that’s the truth, but it is.”

Sara swallowed. She didn’t know how to believe it right now, but coming from Ava it  _ sounded _ like the truth, and even though that didn’t make things okay, it brought okay a little closer. 

Ava ran one hand up and down Sara’s arm and then shivered, grimacing when Sara did too. “We don’t have to go back yet, if you don’t want - we can sit in my car for a while and talk, or not talk if you’d prefer - but you’re going to catch hypothermia if we stay out here any longer.” She shook her head with a fond smile. “Honestly Sara, what were you thinking, coming out her in just a t-shirt and jeans.”

“I wasn’t,” Sara mumbled, a little bitterly, and Ava snorted.

“No, you weren’t.” She offered Sara her hand and pulled her to her feet, keeping hold of it once they were up in case Sara stumbled. She picked up Sara’s shoes with her other hand and rolled her eyes when Sara attempted to take them from her. “Your fingers are numb - you’ll drop them. And don’t even think about driving home.”

“I brought my car,” Sara protested halfheartedly, but Ava shook her head.

“I’ll drive you out here to get it tomorrow.”

Sara frowned slightly, despite knowing Ava wasn’t going to let her change her mind. “You don’t have to,” she tried, and this time Ava rolled her eyes. 

When she smiled, it was a fond, exasperated smile that Sara had seen a thousand times before. “I want to,” she said firmly, ending the discussion. She unlocked her car and pointed to the passenger seat, leaving no room for argument. “Now get in.”

They waited a little while longer before leaving, taking quietly about things Ava had picked up on that she wanted to mention whilst she cranked the heating up to full blast and waited for it to start working. It was a relief, to hear Ava confirm some of the things other people had said to her but she hadn’t quite believed, and it was just as much of a relief that with Ava, she didn’t have to explain where all of these thoughts were stemming from. Even so, it wasn’t until they were about to head home that Sara dared ask her final question, the one that had been lingering in the back of her mind since she first saw Ava sit down on the beach beside her. She took a shaky breath, and then tilted her head towards Ava. “Why did you come?” she asked quietly, and the question seemed to take Ava by surprise. 

She frowned. “Because I was worried about you.” She made it sound as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, and looked almost as concerned by the question as she had been when she first found Sara on the beach earlier. “ _ Everyone _ was worried about you. I think Jordan’s going to yell at me later for not remembering what today means to you earlier than I did.”

Sara closed her eyes, exhausted. “But - why did  _ you _ come?” she repeated, and Ava sighed, ever so softly. 

She must have turned in her seat rather than starting the car and pulling out of the parking bay, because when she spoke her voice sounded closer, and much, much softer. “Sara, I came because I care about you. You’re my friend. Hey - ” Sara felt a hand on her arm, and Ava lightly squeezed it. “ - look at me. It took us a while to get back here, but  _ you matter to me _ , Sara. You never stopped mattering to me - even when I was heartbroken because of you, or furious or confused or lying about who you were. We’re not who we were five years ago, and we’re not dating, and neither of us are who we expected ourselves to be. But that doesn’t mean I don’t care about you.” She paused, giving Sara a moment, and then added “That, and I don’t think the others would forgive me if I let you run back to LA.”

Sara laughed, a little choked, and then wiped her tears away. “I almost did,” she admitted, and Ava nodded.

“I can tell.”

It didn’t sound like an accusation though, and Ava smiled. She moved her hands back to the wheel, and then paused. “Ready to go?” she asked quietly, and waited until Sara nodded before pulling out of the parking bay and back onto the highway, headed back towards Star City. Ava’s phone buzzed, and she glanced down at it. “It’s Jordan,” she said quietly, glancing in Sara’s direction. “She’s worried about you. For… obvious reasons.”

Sara smiled softly, and glanced down at the text Jordan had just sent, skimming the first few lines before Ava’s screen faded to black. Something about Jordan caring - about  _ anyone _ caring - it reinforced the things Ava had been trying to tell her earlier, and made them a little more believable. Sara leant her head against the window, and then let her gaze linger on Ava. “You really got lucky on the girlfriend front, didn’t you,” she said softly, and Ava huffed a laugh. 

“Yeah, I know.” 

Ava glanced down at the phone, and then back over to Sara, before returning her eyes to the road. “Both times,” she added quietly, and Sara’s heart lodged itself in her throat. “Even if it did go wrong the first time round.”

We-needed-five-years-and-five-months-to-become-friends-again kinda wrong. 

Sara remained silent, but Ava didn’t seem to mind. They hadn’t had this conversation, and Sara wasn’t sure she wanted to, but if they were going to… now felt like the right time. Ava smiled, glancing back over to her one final time. “Someday, when you meet someone else… they’re gonna be lucky to have you.”

Sara exhaled, slowly, and curled up in the passenger seat of Ava’s unreasonably nice sedan. She had warmed up, a little, and her fingers were tingling - although not unpleasantly. The weight that had wrapped itself around her chest earlier had lessened, and it was a little easier to breathe. It felt like the end, and at the same time, like a beginning. 

* * *

** _May, 2011:_ **

_ “I hate it when you do this,” a voice said from next to her, and Sara curled her arms tighter around her knees. That voice belonged to the last person she wanted to talk to right now. She didn’t need a lecture. She needed a break and fewer shifts at work and a solid eight hours of sleep and an extension on her three overdue assignments and a father who didn’t spend his time working in high-stress situations that led to him having heart attacks in the middle of the day because he had taken on too much work and refused to drop any cases. _

_ So what, Ava hated it when she ended up falling apart in a hidden part of the library where she had assumed no one would find her. She hated it too. She just hadn’t worked out how to stop it from happening. (This was only the second time Ava had found her here, despite her making it sound like a regular occurrence. Last time, she had furiously wiped her eyes and stormed out of the library - Ava hadn’t mentioned it until now.) _

_ “You know - if you talked to someone, maybe things wouldn’t build on each other until they get this bad.”  _

_ Sara ground her teeth together, the bone deep exhaustion and worry she had been fighting giving way into petty anger. “Fuck off, Sharpe,” she muttered, but she could  _ ** _hear_ ** _ the eyebrow raise she got in response. Sara dug her nails into her palm. She didn’t need anyone’s help, she would manage on her own. She could fix her own problems, or learn to ignore them. She certainly didn’t need Ava’s help. _

_ She was determined  _ ** _never_ ** _ to need Ava’s help. _

_ “Just ‘cause your life is perfect, doesn’t mean you get to interfere in mine,” she snapped, looking up just to catch the hurt that flashed across Ava’s expression before she schooled it into an unreachable blank canvas.  _

_ Sara had just enough time to slightly regret her words before Ava responded, voice calm enough to verge on chilling. “You don’t know anything about my life,” Ava said slowly, measured and careful. She still seemed to be treading lightly, knowing she was on thin ice right now - and yet, for whatever reason, she refused to leave. She leaned back against the bookshelf and exhaled.  _

_ (Later, thinking back to this conversation, Sara would have to give her kudos for not snapping back.) _

_ “You don’t know anything about me, apart from whatever assumptions you seemed to make on day one and refuse to let go of.” _

_ “I’m a good judge of character,” Sara replied harshly - a little too harshly - and Ava glared at her. _

_ “Not good enough.” _

_ Sara snorted, rolled her eyes, but for once Ava paused. She looked Sara up and down, and then came to sit on the floor next to her. Sara halfheartedly repeated her instruction for Ava to leave her alone, but Ava pretended not to have heard. _

_ She was insufferable, but Sara didn’t know how to get rid of her. _

_ Ava waited, and Sara remained silent. Just because Ava was here, it didn’t mean she had to talk to her. She tried to spend as little time with her as she could outside of class. (She could leave, Sara reminded herself guiltily, but her feet refused to move. Last time Ava had found her here, she had simply walked away. Sara didn’t know what was different now, but she sank back against the bookshelf behind her and tapped her fingers impatiently against her leg, staying exactly where she was.) _

_ Eventually Ava seemed to get tired of waiting. No - not tired. She didn’t seem impatient, despite Sara having expected to see impatience when she finally glanced in Ava’s direction. After a while Ava seemed to realise that Sara wasn’t going to speak unless prompted, and decided to give her a nudge in the right direction. When she spoke her words were calm, and her voice lacked the judgement Sara had become accustomed to hearing. “Sara - you’re a pain. Literally, the biggest pain in my ass I have ever met. You’ve done nothing but argue with me since the day we met, and you insist on making my life complicated. You seem to have decided you know everything about me, and I can tell I’m the last person you expected or wanted to find you here. But I  _ ** _am_ ** _ here. And you’re here. And sure, it’s none of my business, but I think you need someone to talk to.” _

_ She sighed slowly, and kept her eyes firmly on Sara’s. Sara bit her lip, and looked away. _

_ Sara had a not-so-unpleasant feeling that Ava wouldn’t back down. Oddly though, somehow, Ava had succeeded in making her feel guilty for not talking. She didn’t know if it was intentional - she wouldn’t have put it past her - but nevertheless, out of nowhere, the urge to talk about what had been bothering Sara had reappeared, and the only person around to listen was sitting right next to her with an infuriatingly patient expression on her face. “Come on, Sara,” Ava said quietly, and for once, her words didn’t throw wood onto the fire Sara liked to stoke between them. _

_ Sara sighed softly. Ava didn’t push, and Sara hated that she found the gesture surprisingly sweet. Ava was much easier to hate than to like. _

_ “My dad had a heart attack,” she finally mumbled, and Ava’s eyes widened.  _

_ “Oh. Shit.” _

_ “Yeah,” Sara replied dryly, “six days ago. He’ll be fine,” she clarified quickly, but the words seemed to trail off towards the end of her sentence. “Probably,” she amended, her voice quieter, cracking a little. “The doctors said it was just minor, and they’re confident he’ll make a full recovery.” _

_ If Ava thought it didn’t make sense for her to be up here  _ ** _now_ ** _ falling apart over something that had happened almost a week ago and already had a resolution, she didn’t comment.  _

_ She probably wasn’t going to comment on it at all, but for some reason Sara felt herself needing to elaborate. “I didn’t know what to do when my sister called. I kind of - I thought I could ignore it. He’s okay, so I thought  _ ** _I_ ** _ was okay. But…” _

_ She hesitated, not knowing how to finish, but Ava did for her. “The more you think about it, the more you realise how close you came to losing him,” she supplied, and Sara looked over to her sharply. Ava was looking at her as if she understood, and Sara didn’t know when she had developed the ability to read her so well. Ava held her gaze for a long moment, almost judging how much of a right she had to push this. “You don’t know what you would do without him,” she added softly, and Sara looked away. She’d never thought of herself as easy to read, and she hated that Ava was managing with such little difficulty. No. That was another lie. She wanted to hate it, but what she truly hated was that Ava had been right, and that telling her what was going on had lifted a little of the weight off of her shoulders.  _

_ “I can’t imagine my life without him in it,” Sara admitted, and Ava nodded. “I don’t ever want to find out what that’s like.”  _

_ She would have to eventually, she supposed. But in an ideal world it wouldn’t be for years. Not till after college. Not till much later, when he was old and grey and had had the chance to watch both his daughters grow up and live their own lives, after he’d cheered them on at graduations and helped them move into countless apartments and had them over for even more Thanksgivings and Christmasses and walked them both down the aisle and watched their careers and lives unfold with all the ups and downs in between. Sara was counting on all that, even though she knew it wasn’t a given. _

_ Ava was watching her carefully, but she didn’t comment as Sara drifted off into her thoughts. Instead, she sat by her side until Sara dragged herself back to the present, swallowed, and switched topic. “I need to email Laurens, McCarthy and Barton. I haven’t done any of their essays.” _

_ She wasn’t asking for help - she was still determined not to - but this was as close as she could get without sacrificing the shred of pride she was still holding on to. Perhaps her judge of character wasn’t always as good as she thought, but she would still have put money on Ava being the kind of person who emailed a lot of professors.  _

_ “I can help,” Ava offered, with a small smile that said ‘I know you’re not going to ask, but you could do with the help that I’m offering.’ _

_ “If you’re sure,” Sara agreed carefully, still a little uncertain. _

_ Ava pushed herself up of the floor and then held out a hand. “One time deal,” she said quietly, giving Sara the back door she needed. “We never have to mention it again.” _

_ Sara had a feeling it might come up, but she didn’t comment on it. Ava seemed genuine - strangely, oddly, unnaturally genuine in a way Sara wasn’t used to - but this didn’t seem like the kind of conversation that got swept under the rug and ignored. Sara could hear the ‘We can go back to hating each other,’ Ava seemed to be offering, but Sara shook her head ever so slightly, and Ava’s expression softened.  _

_ This was one of those things you couldn’t quite step back from, and they both knew it. _

* * *

“I’m taking you back to my place,” Ava said quietly, breaking the comfortable silence they’d been driving in for the past forty-five minutes after Ava’s playlist had reached its end and neither of them had moved to put anything else on. “I’m telling you now so it’s not a surprise, but we’re not discussing it. I know Zari’s working late this evening, and I’m not leaving you in your apartment alone. Not tonight. Plus, Jordan insisted on it and she’s about as stubborn as you are so you’re not going to catch me arguing.”

Sara turned to look at Ava rather than staring out of the window up at the sky, but Ava kept her eyes on the road rather than glancing in her direction - more for her sake, Sara suspected, than for her own. You couldn’t give someone much privacy in a car, but Ava was trying her hardest to give her space, and it was sweet of her to provide a reason for Sara to avoid eye contact. Sara’s comment about having spent five years dealing with things like this alone died on her tongue, as she came to the sudden realisation that it wouldn’t make anything better. It would probably hurt Ava, rather than giving her the peace of mind Sara was aiming for.

“Thank you,” she said instead, hoping her words would hit their mark.

Ava smiled softly. “You don’t have to thank me Sara,” she said softly, finally glancing in Sara’s direction. She maintained her gaze for a split second, and then returned her eyes to the road. They were back in Star City, but still had to cross to the other side before they would reach Ava and Jordan’s apartment. The roads were quiet, the usual traffic gone for the time being given that it was now fairly late in the evening, making the city feel much calmer than usual - less rushed, less busy, more like the kind of place you wanted to spend a quiet evening with some friends. 

“Ava,” Sara said again, catching her attention as the car came to a halt in front of some stop lights. She wanted to say something more, something that would convey that this  _ mattered _ , more than just a sweet gesture between friends, but now she had Ava’s attention she had no idea how to phrase it. It didn’t seem to matter though, because Ava only waited a brief moment for her to speak before reaching across the car to take her hand. She squeezed it lightly, and Sara exhaled. 

“I know,” she said quietly, eyes meeting Sara’s and saying more than the two simple words ever could. Sara glanced down at their joined hands and found she couldn’t tear her eyes away, but Ava didn’t comment. The fact that she needed something to hold onto right now seemed to be a given, and Ava was willing to be her stability until she worked out where she left it.

Sara had missed having people she could lean on. 

When the lights changed Ava pulled her hand away and returned it to the wheel, and something warm settled in Sara’s chest, chasing away the final shreds of cold that the car’s heater hadn’t been able to get rid of. 

“Can you tell Jordan we’re fifteen minutes away?” Ava asked, and Sara nodded, but then paused.

“My phone’s dead.”

Ava shrugged one shoulder, and then reached for hers with her free hand and passed it over to Sara. “Password’s still the same,” she said, and Sara’s lips twitched slightly but she didn’t comment. (Ray would’ve. He was the one who liked to remind people about security and data and making sure their devices were secure.) Ava shot a small smile in her direction as if she was thinking the same thing. “Never got round to changing it,” she admitted, and Sara didn’t point out that she’d had several new phones over the past five years, and had had to set up a new password each time.

Ava didn’t ask if she still remembered it - she didn’t need to. It was one of those things that had stuck in Sara’s memory, amongst all the other needless information she’d never quite managed to get rid of. But despite that she found herself pausing, glancing over to Ava as her fingers hovered over the keypad. Hesitance was both irrational and unhelpful, but as stupid as it was, Ava giving her her phone felt like it  _ meant _ something.

She unplugged the charger from Ava’s phone, and plugged it into hers.

_ Jordan Haverstock _ _   
_ _   
_ ** _iMessage_ ** ** _   
_ ** (Sara Lance)   
**Thursday**

_   
_ ** _9:03am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Okay so like 

** _   
_ ** ** _9:04am: _ ** ** _   
_ ** You know that chick at my work who   
somehow still thinks i’m straight even   
though she follows me on social media    
and has CLEARLY seen all my absolutely   
nauseatingly disgusting couple photos w   
ava and everything 

** _   
_ ** ** _9:04am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** This bitch wants to set me up on a date

** _   
_ ** ** _9:04am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** With ALLEN the guy with the PET.   
PARROT. sara i’m not fucking kidding    
sitcoms don’t do office jobs justice 

** _   
_ ** ** _11:54am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Hey, you’ve been MIA on social media    
all day - you having a detox / really busy   
or is something wrong? X

  
** _1:53pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Call me, I’m worried about you! 

** _   
_ ** ** _4:11pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Hey, I don’t know if you’re gonna get   
this but Ava’s coming to get you ok?

** _   
_ ** ** _6:08pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Hi!! My messages from earlier today   
finally delivered, are you back on the   
cyber grid? <3 

** _   
_ ** ** _6:11pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** hey yes i am back on the grid

** _   
_ ** ** _6:11pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** sorry for being like. Nowhere. 

** _   
_ ** ** _6:12pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** You get a grand total of three acceptable   
sorry’s tonight and you’ve just used one.    
Two left, use them wisely. 

** _   
_ ** ** _6:12pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** ;’D of course

** _   
_ ** ** _6:13pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Ava bringing you back here?

** _   
_ ** ** _6:13pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** yeah, is that ok?

** _   
_ ** ** _6:14pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** That’s such a stupid question that I’m   
counting it as one of your sorry’s. Only   
one left Lance (I’ll see you soon. You   
got a hug waiting xx) 

* * *

True to her word, the first thing Jordan did when Sara walked through the door was pull her into a hug, holding Sara tight as she gave her shoulder a comforting squeeze. She seemed just as concerned as Ava had been - possibly more, because for her, this situation was painfully, achingly familiar - so Sara let herself relax into the hug until Jordan’s cheek brushed against her own and Jordan shivered and pulled away, taking both of Sara’s hands between her own.

“What the  _ fuck _ Sara,” she chastised, rubbing Sara’s hands in an attempt to bring some heat back into them. Sara almost protested that it was fine, they were much warmer than they had been earlier, but stopped herself when she realised that was probably concerning rather than reassuring. Jordan sounded exasperated. “You’re literally an icicle.”

Sara’s lips twitched, but Jordan shook her head with that same amused, exasperated, and concerned expression fixed firmly in place, and despite everything Sara had to admit that there was something nice about this. About Jordan caring, and making sure she was as okay as she could be given the situation. It was especially sweet that it was  _ Jordan _ , but she couldn’t put her finger on why - perhaps because she hadn’t been here to meet Quentin, hadn’t known him, hadn’t been to his funeral, and had only known her since the summer. Out of everyone, Jordan would have the best excuse for her lack of concern - and yet here she was, watching Sara with a careful look in her eye and enough affection that for a second Sara had to fight the urge to reassure her that really, things were alright. She knew Jordan wouldn’t listen to her anyway.

Jordan and Ava had that in common.

(“We worry about you,” Ava had told her in the car on the drive back, quietly enough that she could have ignored it if she had wanted to. “Everyone tries not to let you see it, because they think you’ll be… I don’t know, offended or something. But maybe they  _ should _ let you see it. Because maybe then you’ll realise how deeply people care.”

“I know they do care,” Sara had argued weakly, ignoring the look Ava gave her that said  _ do you? because that’s not what you told admitted earlier. _ “It’s just… sometimes - like today - it gets impossible to focus on the good, and I twist things into something they’re not.”

Ava had paused, focusing on the almost-empty highway whilst collecting her thoughts before promising “everyone twists things sometimes. It’s easy, getting caught up in your head. What’s harder is letting people help you when you don’t know how to help yourself.” 

Sara had wanted to argue that she knew she wasn’t thinking clearly, and she certainly hadn’t been earlier, but Ava had stopped her. “Think about it,” she’d said quietly, making Sara pause. “Pay attention to the moments when it  _ does _ feel like people care. I promise you, you’ll find them.)

Jordan smiled softly at Sara and ran her hands up down her arms in an attempt to bring some heat back into them. This felt like one of these moments, so Sara filed it away to think about later. Jordan caught Ava’s eye over Sara’s shoulder, and for a second Sara felt as though she was intruding and didn’t know what to do about it - but before she had the chance to speak Jordan made the decision for her, eyeing her up and down and then nudging her in the direction of the bathroom, grabbing her a towel from the pile of freshly tumble-dried and folded laundry that hadn’t yet been put away. “You’re showering, I’m not gonna be responsible for you dying of hypothermia or frozen internal organs or whatever the hell happens to you when you sit on a beach all day in the cold in the middle of February.”

Sara let out a soft laugh, and heard Ava do the same from just behind her as she toed off her shoes and slotted them neatly into the shoe rack. Her laugh was warm, and carried a happiness that Sara had been missing since earlier that week and had no idea where to find. She hadn’t thought to look here, with her friends. 

“And once again it becomes clear how you didn’t make it past pre-med,” Ava grinned, and Jordan didn’t even look up to flip Ava off. Sara found herself smiling, and didn’t remember when she had started.

Jordan tilted her head towards the door, and handed her the warm towel she was still holding. “Go shower,” she said quietly, the gesture unreasonably sweet. “Warm up. Take as long as you need.”

Sara had been to Jordan and Ava’s apartment countless times over the last 7 months - the location of evening movie nights was on a constant rotation so Sara had known it was inevitable. It had been weird at first, being smack bang in the middle of a life she had once thought  _ she  _ would have with Ava, seeing the photographs and the memories all over the walls and mantlepieces, the domesticity of shared kitchen implements and a linen cupboard - everything Sara couldn’t even imagine having, not anymore. Now though, it was an apartment like everybody else’s - warm and cosy and familiar, and on some Saturday nights filled with the smell of a dozen different food dishes and open bottles of wine and beer along the kitchen bench and loud peals of laughter echoing against the high ceilings. 

It was different tonight though, with only the three of them here. The grandness of the apartment - which was admittedly, the nicest out of everyone’s - felt a little muted, as though there was a softness to the rooms and the colours of the walls and the gentle glow coming from delicate overhanging lights. 

Sara tugged Amaya’s old hoodie back over her head, sighing at the warmth of it. She’d left it on the radiator while she showered - something her dad always used to do for her and Laurel after they’d run around in the rain as kids. As a college student, Sara had never really been able to afford to keep the radiator running constantly through the winter, and in LA it had never quite been cold enough to need it. It hadn’t been something Sara realised she’d missed until now. Until the beach, and Ava’s hug, and realising that this clawing feeling of anxiety wasn’t actually  _ real.  _ Until she had been embraced by the gentleness of Jordan and Ava’s place on an evening when it wasn’t filled with the entire group, and she had found herself hit with the resounding truth that she was welcome  _ here,  _ of all places. 

As she wandered back out into the living room, Sara picked up on a chorus of muffled voices - more than just Ava and Jordan’s, but familiar all the same. Sara rounded the corner and something in her chest expanded at the sight of Ray and Nora on one of the the luxurious, light brown sofas in the centre of the room. 

“Hey,” she said, and she was pleased to discover the hoarse crack in her voice she’d acquired from a full day of crying had eased a little from the steam of the shower. 

“Hey,” said Ray, his eyes lighting up as he saw her. Sara’s smile widened. God, she really did love him. She wanted to ask what they were doing here, but really, really didn’t want to prompt any kind of conversation that involved her disappearing all day or the reason  _ why.  _ It had felt good to tell Ava earlier, to put those fears and insecurities out into the universe so they weren’t festering inside of her anymore, but that had been exhausting enough. Sara wasn’t sure if she’d be able to do round two of that tonight. 

Ava seemed to sense Sara’s unasked question however, caught Sara’s eye and shrugged innocently. “Forgot they were coming over tonight,” she said with a slightly sly smile and Sara rolled her eyes, tossing a couch cushion in Ava’s direction before sinking down into the space beside Ray who immediately stretched a comforting arm around her. The scent of Jordan’s famous vegetarian chilli (which Sara knew by now was the only dish she was capable of cooking perfectly without recipe or supervision) wafted through the room. Sara’s stomach grumbled. 

“Let me guess,” Nora said dryly. “You haven’t eaten today.” 

Sara grinned sheepishly. 

“For fuck’s sake,” said Jordan but the exasperation was coupled with distinct affection and fondness. “Okay so - we’ve got crackers but no cheese because I may have eaten half a block of brie at 2 o clock in the morning on Tuesday. Fruit? I know that seems stupidly adult and shit but you know, it is good for you. Or chocolate… chocolate’s always good.” 

“I can wait until dinner,” Sara promised. “I’m a bartender, remember? My body’s really good at going questionable lengths of time without eating.” 

Jordan eyed her carefully. “If you’re sure,” she said. She didn’t press when Sara nodded, just offered her a smile and turned back to the stove. Sara let the conversation bubble around her, the ache of the day’s cold and the emotional exhaustion starting to hit. Nobody seemed to mind, each recounting their own anecdotes about the day or week at work. Sara was reminded of just how well they knew her - nobody was throwing overly concerned glances in her direction or doubting whether she was okay now because of her uncharacteristic silence. It was the kind of comfort that Sara had somehow managed to convince herself she didn’t have (and didn’t deserve). 

“Hey,” said Ava quietly, leaning across the gap between the two couches to tap Sara’s knee. “The others wanna know if you need anything.” 

Sara could tell she was silently asking  _ are you okay if they come over?  _ An hour and a half ago, Sara’s answer would have been an unhesitating no. But now she was here, with Ava and Jordan and Ray and Nora, and she’d showered and felt human again and somehow the cold bite of the wind from earlier in the day felt less like it had been cutting at her skin and dragging her into the coarse sand below but instead like it had woken Sara up from a deep, paralysing dream she had been trapped in for weeks, or months, maybe even years. So she met Ava’s eyes and nodded, and when Ava asked “Are you sure?”, Sara was entirely honest when she replied “Yeah. It’ll be really nice to see them.” 

“You got it,” Ava said softly. 

(Sara knew that if Quentin was here, he’d be saying “Welcome home baby.”) 


	13. i'm almost me again, she's almost you (i laugh like me again, she laughs like you)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Feeling alone, Sara could cope with. Feeling abandoned by her friends when she needed them cut deep, but it was another feeling she had grown used to, a numb, uneasy feeling that had settled so deep within her that she had almost forgotten it was there. And yet, Ava had seen it. Ava had heard her quiet, unrestrained plea for help. And presumably, given by the collection of quiet apologetic conversations Sara had had with Ray, Nate, Amaya and Mick over the past few weeks, Ava had shared her thoughts about Sara’s outburst with the people whose help Sara needed most."
> 
> OR 
> 
> ava & sara are friends now. properly. and sara realises there's actually some pretty cool parts of figuring out adulthood

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy thursday/friday <3 
> 
> as always, thank u guys for being amazing! we're up to writing possibly the best part of the fic rn so hope you guys will stick around til then X 
> 
> here is a congrats for making it through to the end of the week gift from us, with heaps of love & appreciation for u all. MEANWHILE it would be amazing if u guys could drop in the comments some stuff you'd like to see or some ideas for the direction of the story that u might have (we know we've had those kinds of ideas ourselves when reading other people's fics) bc we're starting to reach the end of our headcanons for this story but we haven't figured out the best way to end it SO! let us know what u think or what u might wanna see so that we can come up with some cool ideas for later chapters. 
> 
> (p.s. chapter title is from almost by hozier)

** _February, 2020:_ **

Sara suspected Ava had talked to the rest of their friends over the past few weeks, and perhaps told them a little of what she had shared that day on the beach. She wouldn’t have been surprised if Jordan had too - Jordan had always been the first to jump to her defence, and her familiarity with this situation hadn’t slipped Sara’s mind. There had been something in her eyes the day Ava had come to find her on the beach and taken her back to her and Jordan’s apartment, something not as severe as anger, but along those lines - frustration, perhaps, or annoyance directed towards their friends. And a protectiveness - as if she was protective of _ Sara _ and wanted to ensure she was alright, and had people around her who would support her. 

Sara already knew Ava had told Jordan the details of their conversation - the ones that mattered, at least, and the ones that were relevant. It was a given, and Ava had always been clear about it - she wasn’t ever keeping things from Jordan, not things that happened between them. Not again. Besides, Sara had told Jordan most of the details herself anyway, because Jordan got it. Jordan understood.

So yeah, she had expected Ava to explain the situation to Jordan.

What she hadn’t been expecting was for Ava to listen to her outburst, mull it over, and then take fixing things into her own hands. 

Feeling alone, Sara could cope with. Feeling abandoned by her friends when she needed them cut deep, but it was another feeling she had grown used to, a numb, uneasy feeling that had settled so deep within her that she had almost forgotten it was there. And yet, Ava had seen it. Ava had heard her quiet, unrestrained plea for help. And presumably, given by the collection of quiet apologetic conversations Sara had had with Ray, Nate, Amaya and Mick over the past few weeks, Ava had shared her thoughts about Sara’s outburst with the people whose help Sara needed most.

The strangest thing was that Sara didn’t seem to mind. Not only that - she was grateful.

She had briefly wondered whether she _ should _ mind - but she dismissed the thought without giving herself the chance to overthink it. In all honesty, it was easier letting Ava have those conversations instead of having them herself. It had been exhausting admitting to those feelings of isolation once, and she didn’t need to do it again. Assuming Ava _ had _ talked to the rest of the group, that was. She must have, for them to have picked up on the specifics they hadn’t seemed to notice so far, but Sara couldn’t stop questioning it, wondering whether she was overthinking things, or if she was just so grateful to have Ava back as a friend that she was assuming she had something to do with this, and connecting dots which it didn’t make sense to join.

And yet without Ava in the equation, something didn’t add up. 

Sara glanced down the table, checking that everyone was involved in their own conversations at their weekly Wednesday night dinner, and then turned to Jordan, nudging her lightly to catch her attention. Jordan grinned at her. “You back with us?” she joked, and Sara guiltily realised she had been so absorbed in her thoughts that she’d been paying no attention whatsoever to the conversations going on around her.

Before she could think about apologising, Jordan’s smile softened. “I’m joking, Sara. You’ve got plenty of reasons to be distracted.”

She did, but… curiosity wasn’t one of the reasons Jordan would be expecting. Sara lightly bit her lip, glancing back down the table to where Nate was tying increasingly light items to the base of a helium balloon a child had abandoned at the table next to them, attempting to get it to hover perfectly in mid air without floating off up to the ceiling. Ava caught her watching and rolled her eyes, somehow managing to look both exasperated and amused at the same time. Sara snorted.

Ava had had something to do with those apologies, she was certain of it. 

Sara turned back to Jordan, quickly checked no one else was listening, and took a slow, measured breath. “This feels different from a few weeks ago, before I talked to Ava on the beach. Ray, and Nate, and Mick and Amaya and Wally - they’ve all individually made time to talk to me about it, catching me at the museum or on my lunch break or in quiet moments at events like these. And - I’m not saying they wouldn’t have done that anyway, I know I worried you all by vanishing like I did and I know everyone was sorry that it was the anniversary of dad’s death and they hadn’t remembered it but… there were details - things I told Ava, _ just _ Ava, that they were sorry for too.”

Jordan’s brow furrowed slightly, as if Sara was putting her in an awkward position but she didn’t want to admit it, and Sara quickly realised her mistake. “I’m not saying it was a bad thing. I - I wasn’t trying to keep anything from the rest of them; in fact, it’s easier, that they know. A _ lot _easier But I don’t think I would have admitted how much I needed them to their faces. To be honest, I still don’t know how to ask for help. I’ve always been terrible at it, and I haven’t improved. So all of this… I’m just asking out of curiosity, because I can’t stop wondering whether Ava did have those conversations, just so I didn’t have to.”

She leaned back slightly, still holding her breath as Jordan thought through her response.

“She did,” Jordan admitted eventually, quiet and cautious.

Sara had known it before, but hearing Jordan’s confirmation was a relief. Jordan took a moment to collect her thoughts, and then met her eyes once more. “There are some things it’s difficult to share,” she said quietly, and Sara nodded. She knew that all too well. “I think she wanted to make things easier for you. So that things worked out between all of you guys without you having to drag up what you talked about on the beach all over again.”

“She _ has _ made things easier for me,” Sara agreed, unable to stop herself from glancing back over to Ava. Jordan watched her with a smile. 

“She told me - ” Jordan paused, and Sara raised an eyebrow, knowing exactly why Jordan had stopped - she still wasn’t sure it was okay, admitting that she and Ava had been talking about Sara and her past (and _ their _ past) behind Sara’s back. But she and Jordan had talked about this several times before, and Sara had been insistent on not getting in between Jordan and Ava’s relationship, even accidentally. The things she had shared with Ava… they were now a part of Ava’s history too. And besides, Sara trusted them both. Anything Ava shared, she would have a good reason for sharing. 

Jordan’s lips twitched, as if she knew full well what Sara’s response would be if she brought that same issue back up again, and instead of repeating herself she clearly decided to trust that the conversations they had had in the past still applied. “She told me that you had talked about feeling isolated, and wondering whether anyone wanted you here. And from the outside, it’s easy to see why - you deserved better than how they were treating you, even if it was entirely accidental. Ava wasn’t going to let you see how angry she was that they all they fucked up - her included - because you needed support and reassurance, not anger. But she _ was _ angry. They weren’t there for you when they should have been, and because of that, you got hurt.” Jordan shrugged slightly, eyes fixed on Sara’s. “She shared what you told her because she wanted them to see how much you were hurting, and fix it.”

“She could have left me to fix it,” Sara said quietly, but Jordan shook her head. 

“It wasn’t your fault. And anyway… she wouldn’t.”

No, she wouldn’t. 

Of course she wouldn’t. They had spent a lot of time since she came back to Star City on shaky ground, and before that they hadn’t been in contact at all, but now they had found their footing again Sara was seeing more and more of the Ava she knew, and that Ava would look out for her friends no matter what, and do everything she could to make sure they were okay. 

Jordan took a sip of her drink, and for once Sara didn’t know what to say. She had the answers she wanted, and they were the same answers she had expected - but it was different, knowing for certain that Ava _ had _ intervened when she didn’t know how to, and made sure this friendship group didn’t tear itself apart for a second time. Made sure _ she _ didn’t tear herself apart for a second time when there were people around her who cared about her and would help her, if they knew she needed it. 

Sara swallowed, curling her hands into the hem of her sweater. “I should thank her. For talking to them all so I didn’t have to.”

Jordan shook her head slightly, glancing back over to where Ava was absorbed in the conversation she was having with Amaya, completely unaware. “You don’t need to, Sara. Friends look out for each other. It’s kinda part of the deal.”

Sara nodded. “I know, but - I want to.”

Jordan’s smile softened, but remained gentle and affectionate. “Okay,” she said, agreeing. “But just so you know… she’s gonna tell you that she’d do it any time.”

  
  


“Hey, Ava.” Sara caught Ava’s wrist as they went to leave the restaurant and pulled her to one side, away from where the rest of their friends were still putting on coats, organising lifts home, and attempting to work out how to split the bill. The noise faded as they stepped away, and the silence felt oddly intimate. 

“I wanted to say thank you. For talking to the others about Dad, and - well ... everything.”

Ava’s eyes flickered over to Jordan for a split second, and then returned to her. Sara’s lips twitched as she watched Ava attempt to piece things together. “You’re sure it was okay?” she asked, and Sara found herself nodding. It always had been, before. She’d _ always _ trusted Ava to make the decisions she thought were right - and she still did now. It was sweet of her to look out for her like this, and get her the help and support she needed.

Ava shifted her weight to her other leg, and looked awkwardly over to the others. 

“It’s okay, Ava. It’s more than okay. I needed them to know how much I was struggling, I just…”

“You didn’t know how to tell them.” Ava smiled wryly, and then teased “you never did.”

Sara laughed, and it felt like a breath of fresh air. It was true, she had always been hopeless at asking for the help she needed - it was one of the reasons she always tried to surround herself with people like Ava, when she could. People who would look out for her and make sure she got the support she was desperate for, but who wouldn’t hesitate to call her out for avoiding her problems either. Ava’s eyes crinkled at the corners. “I know you Sara, I know what you’re like. And even though we’ve been through a lot to get here, you’re my friend. I’m gonna look out for you whether you like it or not.”

Sara laughed softly, tucking her hair back behind her ear. “Jordan said you’d say that.”

“Jordan knows me well.” Ava smiled, but then paused, letting the happy, bubbly atmosphere fade into something more serious. The background noise faded and Sara held her breath, heart beating a little slower. “Just like you used to.”

Sara didn’t have a response to that. 

No response was the wrong answer though, because Ava’s eyebrows furrowed almost imperceptibly and she bit her lip, uncertain as to whether she had misread things. “It _ was _ okay, right? I was thinking, you know, sometimes things are a little less difficult to talk about if someone gives you a nudge in the right direction. And I kinda assumed that we were back somewhere where you - uh - ”

Her teeth caught on her lower lip.

“ - trusted you,” Sara finished, barely a breath. She looked up, eyes fixing on Ava’s, searching for confirmation, and Ava swallowed carefully. Her quiet agreement was absorbed by the sounds of the restaurant around them but Sara didn’t need to hear it. She repeated herself quietly, waiting for the words to register and then giving Ava a chance to process them. “I do. I trust you.”

She’d assumed it was implied but she hadn’t said it, not implicitly, not since… before. Because she _ hadn’t _ trusted Ava when she first came back - there were too many secrets, too many mistakes neither of them could take back, and there was far too much distance between them. _ Trust _ had been a long, long way away - forgotten in the past, abandoned the day Sara walked away. But at some point since she had come back, without her realising it happening, Sara had found herself slipping into old habits, sharing things with Ava that back in LA she would have kept to herself. She hadn’t noticed it until the car ride home from the beach the other week, but it hadn’t been a one off - that trust, that familiarity… at some point, it had found a way back into their relationship.

She opened her mouth to continue but then closed it again, unsure what to say. She didn’t need to elaborate - it wasn’t complicated, like everything else between them seemed to be. It was the simplest thing imaginable.

“You two ready to go?” Nate called over to them, and Sara glanced back over to the group. They all seemed ready to leave, Ray, Nora and Wally having already slipped away whilst they had been talking. Sara cleared her throat, and looked back to Ava. 

Ava nodded. “Yeah, we’re ready.” 

She shot Sara a smile, but then paused, not quite finished with the conversation they’d been having before. “Sara?” she said quietly, catching her attention. “I trust you too. I just - I want you to know that.”

Sara shoved her hands into her coat pockets, ducking her head down to hide her embarassingly wide smile. She had lost Ava’s trust long ago, and at the time she’d never thought she would get it back. She hadn’t _ wanted _ it back.

But hearing this, now… it meant more than she could ever put into words.

* * *

** _November, 2013:_ **

_ “Do you think you’ll ever propose?” Ray asked, prompted by watching her scroll through her instagram feed and pause over Iris West’s engagement post, a photo of her and Barry in front of a beautiful fountain in the centre of Central City coupled with a long affectionate caption about family and friendship and finding the person who makes you into a better version of yourself. Sara knew the feeling, intimately, and Ray’s question made her smile. _

_ Ray’s lips twitched in response but he held back his comment, and Sara shrugged as if she hadn’t thought about this before, despite having spent hours in her free time searching through endless wedding pinterest boards and watching videos of proposals and vows and wondering how she would do it, if she ever got round to it. Ray gave her a knowing look and she ducked her head down, smile widening. She wasn’t fooling anyone. “Yeah, I suppose so. Eventually, when it feels like the right time.” _

_ The right time wasn’t now, she knew that. But… it could be coming. After all, they were in their last year of college, and soon they would get real jobs and find their feet in the world and there would be nothing stopping them from moving on in this part of their lives too. _

_ “You’ve thought about it though?” Ray asked again, knowing full well what her answer would be. _

_ Sara nodded. “Yeah.” Of course she had thought about it. How could she not, when she had a girlfriend as wonderful as Ava willing to share her life with her. The idea that she could get to wake up next to her every day for the rest of her life, share every moment with her, all her thoughts and hopes and dreams - it was an easy idea to fall in love with. Almost as easy to fall in love with as the girl making it all possible. “I want to spend as long as I can with her - as long as she’ll have me.” _

_ Even after dating for almost two years, being with Ava still felt like a privilege, one she never thought she would grow tired of. She was lucky and she knew it, and she was reminded of it every time Ava smiled and her stomach started doing cartwheels and the butterflies that still resided there made a sudden, unexpected reappearance. They didn’t need to get married to stay together - things were perfect as they were, and didn’t need to change - but something about the idea appealed to her. It was public and legal, a statement that would be made to the world to say that she and Ava belonged together, no matter what life threw their way. _

_ Sara smiled softly to herself, and tilted her head to look at Ray when she felt his eyes on her. _

_ He was watching her with an affectionate expression, but a careful one - like he could see her thought process and was trying his hardest to be thrilled for her, but was struggling not to think about his own life, and the future he wanted even though it currently seemed out of reach. For a moment Sara’s affection for Ava gave way into heartache for Ray, who’s relationships had never turned out too well in the past, despite him being one of the best guys she had ever been lucky enough to know. His first girlfriend Anna had moved away, breaking his heart at thirteen and teaching him the hard way that sometimes, relationships weren’t destined to be. He had dated Felicity Smoak afterwards, but briefly - that relationship had deteriorated too, though it was neither of their faults. They were too similar, in every way except the ones which counted. She’d really thought he and Kendra might have something they could keep though, before that had fallen apart too. _

_ He deserved better, and one day she was certain he would meet someone who would appreciate him for who he was, and let him be the hopeless romantic romantic he always wanted to be. _

_ It was only a moment or two before Ray seemed to realise that her thoughts had drifted from her own love life to his, but before he could ask her for her thoughts she nudged his shoulder with a small smile. “Hey. When you find someone and decide you want to propose to them, I better be the first one to know.” _

_ Ray ducked his head down, blush creeping across his cheeks. “You will be,” he promised with a gentle grin, and Sara’s smile widened. Ray was sweet when he was flustered, and now was no exception - but for once, she didn’t tease him about it. Instead she slipped her arm around his shoulders, pulling him into a lopsided hug that she hoped said everything she didn’t know how to. _

* * *

Logically, Sara knew that they were all at the age where they were well and truly in the full swing of adulthood. She knew far too many people who were engaged or married or had children or had moved across the world or were already divorced twice or had even more ridiculous tallies in that whole ‘adulthood’ column. Sara was honestly quite thankful that Jordan and Ava were the only ones out of all of them who were starting to check those boxes because she wasn’t sure how she was supposed to cope with _ her _friends - her insane, dorky, spontaneous, idiotic, lovable friends - properly growing up and doing all the stuff everybody else Sara knew seemed to be doing as though there was some kind of race to achieve it all before they were 30. 

But if any one of them was going to head in that direction, Sara was absolutely not surprised that it was Ray. For all of Amaya’s sensibilities, organisation and put-togetherness, Sara knew she had a mischievous feistiness to her, one that loved adventure and that exhilarating recklessness of last minute plans and midnight swims and completely unplanned weekend road trips. Ray was the one who’d had a ten year plan by the time he started high school. Ray had already designed the logo for his tech company before he’d even decided on doing computer engineering as a major in college. 

Ray had basically been a fully fledged adult the moment Sara met him in middle school. It was like it was made for him. 

He’d arrived late to the carnival that he, Sara, Zari, Jordan and Ava had all decided to meet up at. It was the big, _ fuck you winter _carnival held at the end of February every year just out of the main city, another thing Sara had completely forgotten about in her time away. 

(Completely cliched in its ferris wheels, rides, games, stands, food trucks, flashing lights, neon signs and ridiculous crowds of people - it reminded Sara of being 15 and spending evenings here with Ray and Laurel and Oliver and Tommy, or being 19 and dragging her friends who were new to Star City here because it was one of the best parts of this miserable, god-awful time of the year.) 

“Where the hell have you been Palmer?” asked Zari as Ray finally appeared beside them, breathless and looking a little zoned out. “Didn’t we agree to meet at 7?” 

“Yeah,” said Ray. “Super sorry. Got held up.” 

“Full sentences Ray,” said Jordan, elbowing him teasingly. “What’s up, you okay?” 

Ray didn’t say anything for several seconds, his fingers tapping an uncharacteristically nervous beat against the strap of his watch. “I need help,” he said eventually. “It’s a thing. A big thing. Important. I don’t know. Help, please.” 

“Okay this lack of full sentences is becoming a bit concerning,” said Ava, exchanging a grin with Jordan and squeezing Ray’s arm. 

“It’s okay Ray, acceptance is the first step,” said Zari with a shit eating grin. “What are we talking? Obsessive gaming? Making too many cupcakes during moments of stress? Succumbing to the vlogging craze? I’m sure you can get a 30 day chip for that.” 

Ray swatted her away as Sara and Jordan tried not to laugh. He sucked in a sharp breath and then blurted out, “IthinkIwanttoproposetoNora.”

“I think we gotta get him a speech therapist,” announced Zari, glancing at Jordan. 

“Oh fuck off Z,” said Ray with an eye roll and they all gasped with mock scandalised expressions. 

“I think,” repeated Ray, ignoring them and speaking a little louder over the obnoxiously loud carnival music, “that I want to propose to Nora.” 

Something swooped in Sara’s stomach and she didn’t know what it was, before her brain took over and she was grabbing Ray’s arm and exclaiming “Holy shit, _ Ray _!” in a loud jumble of chorused yelling with Jordan, Zari and Ava. Ray’s cheeks burned a little as a shy smile lit up his face, but he seemed relieved at their approval. 

“I just - I have no idea how or when or what kind of ring to get her or anything,” he said, looking incredibly sweet with worry and a little helpless at the same time. 

“Okay change of plans for tonight,” said Jordan, clapping Ray on the back. “Fuck the carnival, this thing’s on all week - we are planning Ray Palmer’s proposal everybody.” 

“What, no -” Ray weakly tried to argue. 

“Are you kidding?” Sara interrupted. “You expect us to just win giant stuffed bears and eat candyfloss after dropping that bombshell? Absolutely not.” 

Ray bit his lip. “Okay but Nora _ can’t _know -” 

“Well _ duh _, that’s the whole point genius,” said Zari, shaking her head. 

Sara paused for a second, watching Ava chime in about what kind of rings would look nice on Nora and Zari and Jordan speculating what kind of proposal she’d like and Ray looking between the three of them, bewildered. It was one of the moments Ava had been talking about. The ones to remember, to stop and take note of. And with the flickering neon lights around them, the loud laughter and eager shouts from every direction, and a fluttering feeling in her chest, Sara thought that maybe this kind of stuff was why they’d all been so excited to be grown ups one day.

* * *

** _March, 2020: _ **

Sara wove through the arching pillars of the old side of Star City University’s humanities campus. Snow stuck stubbornly to the grounds just faintly visible through gaps in the condensated windows, and Sara swore under her breath at the dry, unpleasant heat that filled the corridors from the radiators lining the walls. She’d been sure that in her five year absence from this university, perhaps they would’ve learned the balance between providing a solution to the unbearable cold outside and literally turning the inside of the building into the Sahara desert during the winter months, but alas, it seemed not. 

Despite the feeling that she was suffocating beneath her sweater, Sara kept up her brisk pace, swerving around clumps of students and waving the occasional hello to some of Nate’s students in particular who had come to recognise her from around the History department. It was the first week back after spring break, although Sara wasn’t sure how the literal blizzard outside that seemed to have been blazing for the better part of the past two and a half months was supposed to constitute as _ spring. _But the inevitable companion to the first week back was the sudden surge of people to campus with a flurry of urgency, stress, excitement and noise. Sara had come to enjoy the quiet days of spring break, in which the campus was blanketed in a soft, peaceful white and the tall ceilinged offices with large windows and musky smells were all near silent, the whole place trapped in a wispy hush that felt as though the university had taken a deep breath and gone to sleep for two weeks while everybody partied in parts of the country that were actually seeing the sun. Now though, the chaos of semester had returned and the mood around Sara buzzed with anxieties over still to sit midterms, elation at post break reunions, and the bemoanings of tired students already out of energy for the last stretch of college work for the year. 

February had passed in a freezing but warm haze of routine, busyness, and more potlucks, movie nights, board game Saturdays, and nights out at _ Verdant _ than Sara could count. It was as though that day at the beach, Sara had left all the last vestiges of discomfort, insecurity and loneliness over being in Star City on the sand to be washed away with the tide. Something had shifted after that day, and Sara could feel it - both in herself, and the feeling of being _ at home _with everyone, everywhere. 

Apologising as she accidentally knocked into Nate’s least favourite TA, Trent, Sara hurried into her office, breathing out an enormous sigh of relief that Nate had already cracked open the windows for her. They’d spent as many hours bitching about the absurd heating in the university as they had complaining about their students’ idiocy, and Sara was now starting to see the benefit in working with one of your best friends who cared enough to regulate her office temperature when she was running late to work. 

Sara tugged off her sweater, scarf, gloves and hat, tossing them onto her chair and shoved open another one of the windows behind her desk with an exhausted sigh. She was supposed to be having brunch with Jordan this morning, but one of Nate’s colleagues in the History department had been offered a once in a lifetime research grant for excavation work in Mongolia, and had left with barely a week’s notice, leaving the department in a state of chaos and disarray. A huge amount of marking, teaching, planning and museum liaising had needed to be distributed and suddenly, Sara had mountains more work to do that was far beyond her job description. She’d never been someone to cancel plans with other people, but it seemed like the semester starting again had thrown her into a whirlwind she couldn’t quite control. 

Collapsing into her desk chair, Sara’s eyes caught sight of the calender pinned to her wall. Deadlines were scribbled on almost every week of the next month, and it made Sara’s head spin. God, she was so out of practice with this whole ‘academic stress’ thing. 

_ One day at a time _ , _ one week at a time, _ she thought to herself, although it almost sounded like Ava’s voice. 

“Okay,” Sara murmured, pushing hair off her face .”One week at a time.” She stopped her frantic gaze flickering over the entire month, and instead paused on this week. It was thankfully, quite empty. A couple of marking deadlines, but Sara had mostly completed those, thank god. 2nd to the 6th. It would be fine. 

An odd, faint recognition flared in the back of Sara’s mind as she stared her calendar. 

The 6th. 

What was the 6th? Why did she know that date? Nothing was due, she didn’t have any meetings, it wasn’t anybody’s birthday - 

Sara’s breath caught in her throat. _ Oh. _

  
  


_ Ava Sharpe _ _   
_ _   
_ ** _iMessage_ ** ** _  
_ ** (Sara Lance)   
**Monday**

_   
_ ** _10:06am:_ ** ** _  
_ **hey 

  
** _10:06am:_ ** ** _  
_ **Hi

  
** _10:08am:_ ** ** _  
_ **Sara? Are you okay? 

** _10:09am:_ ** ** _  
_ **yeah, yeah i’m fine

  
** _10:09am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** i just wanna ask u smth but i rly don’t   
want to cross a line

  
** _10:10am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** Sara things are different now, we’re   
not seconds away from blowing a fuse   
at each other whenever we’re in some   
kind of proximity 

  
** _10:10am:_ ** ** _  
_ **We’re friends - actual friends

  
** _10:11am:_ ** ** _  
_ **You can ask whatever you like, promise.

  
** _10:12am:_ ** ** _  
_ **does jordan know about friday?

  
** _10:14am:_ ** ** _  
_ **Oh

  
** _10:14am:_ ** ** _  
_ **Right 

  
** _10:14am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** we don’t have to talk about it if you   
don’t want to 

  
** _10:15am:_ ** ** _  
_ **No no it’s ok 

  
** _10:15am:_ ** ** _  
_ **Kinda just can’t believe you remember

  
** _10:16am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** course i remember 

  
** _10:17am:_ ** ** _  
_ **Yeah, Jordan knows 

  
** _10:17am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** I think she’s actually gonna ask everyone   
if they want to do a board game night on   
Friday so I feel better about it

  
** _10:18am:_ ** ** _  
_ **aw she’s the sweetest

  
** _10:19am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** You can ask the other thing you’re dying to   
know ;-)

  
** _10:19am:_ ** ** _  
_ **I WASN’T EVEN BEING OBVIOUS

  
** _10:20am:_ ** ** _  
_ **I know you 

  
** _10:22am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** sooooo how is that situation with your   
family? have you guys talked at all in the   
last five years? 

  
** _10:23am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** Barely, but more than we did in college.   
Which was obviously zero, so that wasn’t   
hard 

  
** _10:23am:_ ** ** _  
_ **yeah???? that’s something! 

  
** _10:24am:_ ** ** _  
_ **who made the ‘first move’? 

  
** _10:25am:_ ** ** _  
_ **I did

  
** _10:25am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** seriously? damn you are a much better   
person than i am

  
** _10:25am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** i barely even talked to my best friends   
for five years when i moved to LA. being   
the bigger person with the people who   
disowned you????? Ur a champ

  
** _10:26am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** Actually, I reached out after everything   
with your dad

  
** _10:26am:_ ** ** _  
_ **Oh

  
** _10:26am:_ ** ** _  
_ **wow, I wouldn’t have guessed that

  
** _10:26am:_ ** ** _  
_ **It just made me realise, you know? 

  
** _10:27am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** I mean obviously it’s not like I trust them   
or call them once a week or anything

  
** _10:28am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** And the 6th is still weird as fuck literally   
every year. But at least now, especially   
with the wedding and everything, I don’t   
feel this nagging feeling of wondering

  
** _10:29am:_ ** ** _  
_ **that’s really cool ava

  
** _10:29am:_ ** ** _  
_ **i’m proud of you

  
** _10:30am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** and if you need anything on friday just   
let me know :-) 

** _10:31am:_ ** ** _  
_ **I will

  
** _10:32am:_ ** ** _  
_ **Thank you Sara. 

* * *

_ Ava Sharpe _ _   
_ _   
_ ** _iMessage_ ** ** _  
_ ** (Sara Lance)   
**Sunday**

_   
_ ** _5:11pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** So there’s this thing I’ve been thinking   
about for a couple of weeks

  
** _5:11pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** And it’s really important and I think it’s   
a good idea and Jordan thinks it’s a good   
idea and it would mean so much to us   
both but also in the big general context   
of like, our situation and shit it’s probably   
quite an odd thing and I don’t know how   
you would feel about it or if you’d even   
be okay with it so I don’t know whether   
to ask you or not but obviously now I’ve   
said this I have to ask you but just please   
don’t be weird if you think it’s weird

  
** _5:14pm:_ ** ** _  
_ **you wanna know what’s weird ava?

  
** _5:14pm:_ ** ** _  
_ **you. you’re weird

  
** _5:14pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** i don’t even really know what the   
fuck you just said in that message

  
** _5:15pm:_ ** ** _  
_ **I hate you

  
** _5:15pm:_ ** ** _  
_ **uh huh sure

  
** _5:15pm:_ ** ** _  
_ **what’s the important thing

  
** _5:16pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** I wanted to ask you this in person but then   
this damn conference happened and now   
I’m in fucking Denver of all places 

  
** _5:17pm:_ ** ** _  
_ **What. Is. The. Thing. Ava.

  
** _5:19pm:_ ** ** _  
_ **Would you be one of my bridesmaids? 

  
** _5:21pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** holy shit of all the things I was expecting   
that was not it

  
** _5:22pm:_ ** ** _  
_ **Look hear me out

  
** _5:22pm:_ ** ** _  
_ **I know it’s weird

  
** _5:23pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** It’s just that after the whole thing with you   
remembering how important the 6th is to   
me and asking about my family 

  
** _5:24pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** I realised that out of everyone in my life, you   
know me better than anyone (other than Jordan   
obviously) 

  
** _5:24pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** And on my wedding day and leading up to the   
wedding I feel like not a lot of people know me   
that well and can stop me freaking out about   
stupid plans and convince me that yes, that was   
the right kind of champagne or no, you didn’t   
need to personalise the bouquets based on who   
is sitting at each table 

  
** _5:25pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** And god Sara, I know this is kind of insane   
because once upon a time we both thought   
we were going to be marrying each other and   
please say no if it makes you uncomfortable   
bc I don’t think I’ve ever heard of an ex being   
in someone’s bridal party 

  
** _5:27pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** But truly Sara, you’re one of my best friends and   
you’re one of very few people who can actually get   
through to me if I’m freaking out about something   
and Jordan loves you so much and thought it was   
a really good idea and she really wants you to be a   
part of this. And idk, as close as I am with the rest   
of the group, you’re the reason I have them. You’re   
the one who’s been in my life long enough and been   
close enough to me that … you’re as good as family. 

  
** _5:28pm:_ ** ** _  
_ **So please? Maybe? Even just think about it?

  
** _5:29pm:_ ** ** _  
_ **don’t need to think about it

** _  
_ ** ** _5:30pm:_ ** ** _  
_ **100%, i’m in

** _  
_ ** ** _5:30pm:_ ** ** _  
_ **Really????? 

** _  
_ ** ** _5:31pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** yeah ava, of course. you’re as good as   
family to me too. 

** **

* * *

** _June, 2013:_ **

_ The nights were slowly starting to stretch out. The warm glow of afternoon sun tiptoed further into evening, sometimes even being cheeky enough to steal its way into the early hours of the night leaving a whisp of peach and lilac candyfloss clouds in the sky. One of the reasons Sara loved this apartment building was because it had roof access, and the little raised platform on the roof was one of her favourite places in the city. At this time of the evening, it was the strange mixture of streetlamps flickering on and windows in houses and apartments across the city illuminated even though it was still light outside - a hazy, pink light that seemed to soften all the hard edges of the city Sara was surrounded by. _

_ Ava wasn’t the biggest fan of heights, so this was usually Sara’s spot. Tonight though, Ava lay on the cool concrete beside where Sara sat, looking at the sky rather than the huge, sprawling city in view below. _

_ “You don’t have to stay up here if it freaks you out,” said Sara, nudging Ava’s knee. _

_ “I’m not _ ** _scared_ ** _ of heights!” said Ava indignantly. “I just get uncomfortable. I’m not looking down, I’m looking up at the sky, I’m fine.” She paused, catching Sara’s fingers in hers. “Besides, I’m with you. Nowhere else I’d rather be.” _

_ Sara wanted to retort something cheeky - a joking remark about how nauseating they were - but it died in her throat at the expression on Ava’s face. Instead, she squeezed Ava’s hand tightly and let her gaze flicker back out to where the sun was slowly descending on the horizon. _

_ “Hey,” said Ava, her voice so quiet that it almost blended into the hum of cars and busses and trains and alarms and people shouting on the street below and TV’s blaring through open windows and music playing from the night club two streets down. “Do …” For a second, it seemed like Ava didn’t know exactly what she wanted to say. Then, she sat up, turned a little so she was properly facing Sara, and with a slight tinge of colour to her cheeks, softly said, “Do you think this is what it feels like when two people are a whole family?” _

_ For a second, Sara lost her breath. She couldn’t have told anybody _ ** _why _ ** _ because it didn’t make sense - of course Ava _ ** _was _ ** _ her family. She loved her more than anybody else in the world. That was already a given. And she could see the rest of her life with Ava in a way she’d never been able to picture her future before. But there was something about the way Ava had asked it, about the quiet hesitance in her voice, about the peachy glow of the world around them, of that familiar blue of Ava’s eyes that were now the exact colour of home to Sara, that all felt like the world had slowed for a second. _

_ “Yeah,” she said quietly, filing this moment away in her heart, one she was sure she would remember. “I think it is.” _

  
  
  



	14. nothing tastes like the things you had (so why don't you let them go?)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "There was something about the closeness of evenings like these that could never be replaced - there was this bubble around them, warm and fuzzy and a little hazy at the edges. Everything within Ava and Jordan’s apartment had softened, the dim lighting adding to the mood.
> 
> It wasn’t the same as it had been when they were younger, not exactly… but it was similar enough."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI hello sorry again for a week of vanishing and no chapter! as seems to be a trend this year, life was stressful, our chapter did not get written on time and we were both like hahaha WHOOPS
> 
> BUT. we've finally got up to the part of the story that we are so so so fucking excited to write so we're pumped and very very keen for u guys to see what's coming!!!! pls stick with us for these next few chapters bc this story finally hits our favourite part in the weeks to come <3 
> 
> (p.s. chapter title is from someone to stay by vancouver sleep clinic)

** _April, 2020:_ **

“We should do a girls night more often,” Zari decided as she sat down on the couch next to Sara, passing her and Ava the glasses of wine they’d asked for. She put her mug down on the coffee table beside the unreasonable amount of snacks she and Amaya had bought on the way here, and Sara smiled. It had been a long time since they’d had a night like this, and the thought that they were now all comfortable enough to spend time like this, alone, just the four of them, filled her with an indescribable yet now familiar warmth.

It was nice, feeling like she belonged. 

“We’re gonna have to do at least one more,” Ava agreed, “Jordan’s sorry she’s missing it.”

Sara grimaced. “She working late again?”

“Yeah, she’s still got mountains of work to get through. She is hoping to make it back before you all go, even if it’s just for the last half an hour - but I’m not sure.” Ava shrugged, offering everyone a smile. “It’s fine, really. It should calm down soon.”

Sara nudged her lightly with her elbow. “We’ll save her a facemask for later. Nora texted me too - she’s getting dinner with Ray, she completely forgot about it when we asked last week.”

Amaya grinned, a hint of mischievous excitement twinkling in her eyes, and Sara felt that same excitement bubbling inside of her. She halfheartedly tried to fight her smile, but couldn’t stop it from spreading across her cheeks the moment Amaya caught her eye. “Does anyone know when Ray’s decided to propose?”

The question had been on the tip of her tongue too, but even so, Sara’s eyes widened. She watched Zari and Ava’s expressions change too as they processed the question, but then she thought about it a little longer, and quickly dismissed the thought. “Oh - not yet.  _ Definitely _ not yet.” 

Amaya sighed, shifting so she could lean against the armchair, feet slipping under the coffee table. “Yeah… that’s fair. I could’ve guessed that. He’s  _ Ray _ , he never does things without carefully planning them and thinking them over and spending weeks stressing about them.”

“Sounds like someone else we know,” Sara said with a smile, nudging Ava lightly with her elbow. Ava rolled her eyes, tossing a piece of popcorn at her, but she didn’t dispute it. If anything, she seemed to be enjoying that she and Sara were comfortable enough with each other that this was just lighthearted teasing - it all came with a side of affection, rather than the snappy, bitter undercurrents it had had so many times in the past. Sara’s smile softened. It was so easy to relax around these guys, the friends who had always known her best, no matter how much time had passed since college. And it was easy to relax  _ here _ , too; Ava and Jordan’s apartment - just like Ava - had an air of safety surrounding it that made it feel like home. 

Zari pulled Sara’s blanket over her knees and glanced over to Amaya, both of them sharing a look which Sara didn’t quite understand. “This kinda feels like we’re nineteen again,” she smiled, and Sara had to agree. Amaya and Ava both murmured agreements too, with matching levels of fondness. As much as she had tried to suppress them whilst she was away, memories of evenings like this from college like this were some of Sara’s favourites - she was fairly sure frequent girls nights were the only thing that got her through the hell that was second year in the first place. There was something about the closeness of evenings like these that could never be replaced - there was this bubble around them, warm and fuzzy and a little hazy at the edges. Everything within Ava and Jordan’s apartment had softened, the dim lighting adding to the mood.

It wasn’t the  _ same  _ as it had been when they were younger, not exactly… but it was similar enough.

Zari’s toes wriggled as she tucked her cold feet under Sara’s thigh, and Sara yelped. Ava rolled her eyes, sighing something about Sara being overdramatic, making Sara’s lips twitch. Some things never changed.

“I mean it though guys,” Zari reiterated softly once they had settled back into the calm, peaceful bubble that had surrounded them before. “I missed being curled up under blankets with you, and I missed our movie nights and talking to you guys and it just being us, teasing each other about our relationships and taste in movies and whatever dumb decisions we’d just made.”

Sara loved the boys, with all of her heart, and she loved that their friendship group had now expanded to include Nora and Jordan - but there was something to be said about this too. She took a sip of her wine, and then smiled innocently over at Zari. “Made any dumb decisions lately, Z?” 

Amaya reached out to poke Zari in the side, making her squirm. Zari looked affronted for a moment, but then mischief flashed through her eyes. “Risky territory Sara,” she warned raising an eyebrow, and Sara frowned in confusion. Sure, she’d done a lot of - Oh.

_ Oh _ .

“Wait - ” 

Zari leant back slightly, smug smirk firmly in place. She had Sara right where she wanted her, and there was nothing she could do to stop the conversation she was about to have. (It was her own fault, she conceded, but silently - Zari wasn’t supposed to have been there, and John was supposed to have left, and she had been a little too drunk to realise that she was practically handing Zari material to tease her with - and to tease her with  _ in front of Ava, _ and - ) Sara shook her head, but Zari seemed to take it as a challenge. This was a dangerous conversation to have started… and she should really have considered that  _ before _ launching into it.

“Z - ” Sara pleaded, but halfheartedly. Zari had a wicked look in her eyes that very, very clearly said  _ you had this coming.  _

“You wanted to talk about dumb decisions,” she said sweetly, and Sara groaned. 

“It’s only fair,” Ava chipped in. 

Zari rolled her eyes, and Sara winced. “Listen, Sara… if I had to see John Constantine in my kitchen in his underwear -  _ only _ his underwear - then they’ve definitely got to hear about it too.”

Amaya choked on her drink, and Ava almost did the same.

“Oh my  _ God _ !” Ava exclaimed instantly, horrified expression almost making up for the teasing Sara knew was coming. “I take it back, that’s not an image I needed.”

Amaya slapped her leg lightly, expression as scandalised as she could manage. “Sara!”

“I didn’t know he was still there!” Sara protested, pulling a cushion in front of her face to hide the embarrassed flush she could feel creeping across her cheeks. (Or worse, her smile.) “I thought he had left! And I didn’t bother to check, I thought Z was at work!”

Zari rolled her eyes, tugging the pillow away and tossing it mercilessly across the room. Her grin went from ear to ear, and she was clearly enjoying herself immensely at Sara’s expense. (At least she was having fun, Sara thought dryly, but then paused. Amaya was grinning just as wide as Zari, eyes shining with mirth, and Ava seemed just as amused by the whole situation. She wasn’t about to admit it - she wasn’t  _ ever _ going to admit it - but maybe… maybe  _ she _ was having fun too.)

Zari raised both eyebrows this time. “I had a day off.” 

“You didn’t tell me!”

Ava somehow managed to look both exasperated and amused. “Would that have changed anything?” she asked dryly, more as if she was attempting to get a reaction out of Sara than because she genuinely wanted the question answering. Zari rolled her eyes, murmuring something to Amaya that Sara couldn’t hear, making her laugh.

“Sara, there are  _ so many _ people in Star City who would be lucky to date you, and you got with  _ him _ ?” 

“I’m not  _ dating _ him,” she clarified, “I couldn’t date him. We were just … having fun.”

A thought flashed through Ava’s eyes but she whatever it was, she didn’t say it. The conversation went on around her, fading into teasing about Amaya’s (brief, and entirely unsuccessful) ventures onto Tinder, which Zari seemed much more interested in. At some point - once Ava had gotten over her initial surprise - this had stopped feeling like teasing and started feeling affectionate; it was coming from a place of concern, or apprehension. Ava wanted her to be okay, and to be happy, and to find someone else who could love her like she deserved. She hadn’t talked to Ava about dating or one night stands or relationships that weren’t her since they’d started dating - not that she’d had  _ relationships _ in LA - but surprisingly, it felt as easy as talking to Zari. Easier, even. Because Ava knew her, intimately, and knew what she looked for in other people and what she valued and cared about and wanted. Ava truly wanted the best for her.

Not only that, but Ava wanted her to have the exact kind of happiness she and Jordan had. 

Ava glanced over to Zari and Amaya, who had moved on to trying to pick a movie to watch, and were completely absorbed in their own conversation. Sara suspected they were giving her and Ava space to talk, although neither she nor Ava commented on it. “Are you happy?” Ava asked quietly, taking her by surprise.

Sara paused. Her eyes were fixed on Ava’s, but for a moment she let them drift, taking in the crinkles at the corners of her eyes and her small, quiet smile. The fairy lights on the wall behind the tv flickered slightly, and the candle flames wavered as a gentle breeze brushed past them. The light danced in Ava’s eyes.

“Yeah,” Sara said quietly, warmth spreading out from her chest and reaching every part of her, filling her with a contentment she often didn’t realise she was missing. It shouldn’t have come as a surprise to her, and yet it did. “I am.”

* * *

** _February, 2016: _ **

_ It was the sound of a car backfiring down the road that jerked Sara awake, and it was the startled, panicked realisation that she didn’t recognise where she was the kept her that way. It was only after a few crippling, paralysing seconds of fear that she caught sight of a familiar coat thrown over the chair in the corner of the room and Sara’s heart rate started to slow.  _

_ Right. Of course.  _

_ Grief had led to drinking and drinking had led to  _ ** _Verdant_ ** _ and  _ ** _Verdant_ ** _ had pushed her to John Constantine, which was how she’d ended up here. His apartment.  _

_ (After a rollercoaster of college years with Tommy and Oliver, Laurel had been the Lance sister to discover that there was a family tendency to rely on alcohol and had decided to follow in her father’s steps and go sober. Sara had always insisted she was fine, that she’d never had a problem with it. Now, with her head pounding and chest aching with a grief that just wouldn’t fade and was making her crave the alcohol induced numbness she’d been seeking last night, Sara wondered for the first time whether she’d been deluding herself.)  _

_ “Hey love.”  _

_ Sara glanced up. John was leaning in the doorway, dressed in jeans and a worn Rolling Stones t-shirt.  _

_ “Don’t call me love,” she said automatically. “What are you doing dressed? It’s like, 4am.”  _

_ “Sleep doesn’t really come easy,” said John with a shrug, sliding his hands into his pockets. “There’s a reason I was at  _ ** _Verdant _ ** _ at 11 o clock on a Tuesday.”  _

_ “Who said you need a reason?” said Sara, clenching her jaw and grabbing the first item of clothing she could find - another band t-shirt, Pink Floyd this time and this one a little more faded and torn. She tugged it over her head to give herself some modicum of modesty, even though she knew that was somewhat ridiculous given that the man standing in front of her had seen her naked barely two hours ago.  _

_ John arched an eyebrow at her comment and shrugged. “Happy people with good sleeping habits aren’t drinking by themselves on Tuesday nights.”  _

_ “That seems like a bit of a generalisation,” said Sara, pushing her hair back off her face. “Can you see my jeans?”  _

_ John paused. “It’s 4 in the morning Sara,” he said, uncharacteristically soft. “You can go home tomorrow. It’s not like I’m a total stranger.”  _

_ “I’m going back to LA tomorrow,” said Sara. (It was a lie - she wasn’t supposed to be going back for another week but it seemed at 4am in John Constantine’s apartment she’d made the split second decision to change her flight. Even with countless more people here that she should’ve been close to, she felt more alone than she ever could in LA. Jax and Zari were the only ones who seemed to want to be here with her, and Ava still hadn’t sent any kind of message with condolences. Laurel was going back to New York in a couple of days anyway. There was no reason to stick around.) _

_ “Are you happy there?” asked John. “In LA?”  _

_ The question caught Sara by surprise, poked at knot in her chest that had been growing tighter and tighter since the minute she stepped back on Star City soil. She curled her fingers around the sheets, watching the way the crinkled and bunched in her hands. Nobody had asked her that. Maybe they all assumed that she was, or were convinced that she wasn’t and didn’t want to call her out on it. Either way, Sara supposed she shouldn’t have been surprised that John wasn’t afraid to ask outright.  _

_ “I’m doing good,” Sara said. When John didn’t reply, she shot him a fierce look. “What? Whatever it is you’re thinking, say it. Doesn’t this look like I’m doing good? I’ve got a job and an apartment and friends I can hang out with and people I can call who aren’t  _ ** _you _ ** _ if I want a good time. What’s wrong with that? Take away this whole dead dad situation, and I’m living a good life.”  _

_ “I’m sure you are,” said John, taking the two steps forward to carefully sink down onto the edge of the bed. “But none of that is  _ ** _happy _ ** _ Sara.”  _

_ Sara shoved the sheets away from her and forced herself to stand. Her vision swam a little but she determinedly didn’t wobble, refusing to give in to John’s concerned look. She pulled her jeans angrily over her legs. “What’s this big fucking deal about being happy huh? It’s overrated. You’re happy for like, one second, and then the universe has to balance it out with three fucking hours of sad. If that’s the payoff, why not just be okay all the time? Doesn’t that make more sense?”  _

_ John smirked, his eyes flashing with both agreement and a hint of sadness. “Hey, I don’t disagree with you love. In a perfect world, I’d love to just be okay all the time. So much less bullshit.”  _

_ Sara swallowed, glancing across at him and hesitantly meeting his eyes. “But?”  _

_ The trademark smirk faded a little and the vulnerability Sara remembered seeing at  _ ** _Verdant _ ** _ a few hours ago returned to John’s expression. He sighed. “But you and I both remember what happy felt like. Once you have it once, you can’t just go back to okay. Whether you like it or not, you either end up avoiding happy altogether or chasing it until you find it again. There’s no middle ground.” He stood. His room was the smallest in the shared apartment, and he barely had to take a few steps before he was standing opposite Sara. He tilted her chin upwards so she was properly looking at him. “You’re still in love with Ava. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you can stop trying to convince yourself that just okay is enough.”  _

_ The burst of indignance and the defensiveness that he was wrong all died on the tip of Sara’s tongue as quickly as it had flared into existence. “You don’t know that,” she tried to insist weakly.  _

_ “I do,” promised John. “Because I’m still in love with Des. But knowing that and feeling like shit about it is better than pretending you’re not and not understanding why you don’t ever really feel happy anymore.”  _

_ Sara looked away sharply, eyes burning with the reminder of a conversation she’d had with Laurel earlier today.  _

_ (“Sara, dad would’ve wanted so much more for you than what you’ve trapped yourself in. Even in LA, there’s so much more you could do. Better jobs, a better apartment. A new fucking phone. You don’t deserve to keep living in the shadow of a life you don’t have anymore.”)  _

_ “I bet Ava’s happy,” said Sara bitterly.  _

_ “I bet she’s not,” John said quietly.  _

_ Sara closed her eyes, the tears thick against her eyelashes still clumped with messy, half dry mascara. She knew, without a doubt, that if Ava had heard the news about Quentin, she wasn’t happy. Even if she wasn’t here.  _

_ “I miss her,” she whispered, voice cracking audibly.  _

_ “I miss Des,” said John, and Sara nodded, not bothering to wipe the tears that had started to roll down her cheeks. Her makeup was a mess anyway. John nudged her. “Stay the rest of the night,” he said in a voice that sounded absurdly grown up for him and left not very much room to argue.  _

_ “I’m still leaving tomorrow,” Sara said. (She was. Laurel had all these frequent flyer miles and had said she could change Sara’s flight with some connections she had. Besides, John was right. Sara had to make some kind of a change, and it needed to be back in LA.) “I can’t …” Sara sucked in a sharp breath. “I can’t keep waiting around in Star City until Ava comes back.”  _

_ John smiled sadly, reached out to squeeze Sara’s hand. “I’ll give you a ride to the airport in the morning.”  _

* * *

It was going to be a busy evening - student nights always were, and Sara always ended up rushed off of her feet trying to keep up with drinks orders and prices and ensure their stock behind the bar didn’t run out before the end of the evening - but right now  _ Verdant _ was empty, as they didn’t open for an hour and a half and Sara had gotten here long before the rest of the staff. The big open dance floor in front of the bar was lit, but only with the dim, white lighting that got turned off as soon as the club opened and replaced by the more colourful, atmospheric lights running around the sides of the room. She might have found it odd, or even unnerving, had she not spent countless hours here in the same situation both when she was at college working for Oliver and Tommy and again over the past ten months.

It was almost calming, methodically unpacking boxes behind the bar, ensuring the spirits were all lined up in their correct spaces and the glasses were cleaned, polished, and stacked where they were supposed to be. She had put a soft instrumental playlist on when she first got here, and it was currently filtering through the speakers, just loud enough to disguise the hum of the generators kept underneath the club. 

It was moments like these that Sara never appreciated enough until they were gone - the quiet moments in between the busyness of her life, nothing remarkable but something quietly impressive all the same. She was still learning to love times like these - it was difficult, finding the balance between loving the silence and having too much space to think, especially considering the wild, unhelpful tangents her mind liked to take her on when left alone for too long - but she was getting there. She finished topping up the ice box and then closed it just in time to faintly hear the door open. She frowned, glancing at the clock. There was still half an hour till anyone else was expected to arrive, and unlike her, it was unusual for anyone to be more than a few minutes early.

Her curiosity didn’t last long though, as she barely had time to step away from the bar before Jordan rounded the corner and stepped into view, greeting her with a cheery grin. “Oh, phew. For a moment I didn’t think you were here, and I was gonna have to have an awkward conversation with your colleagues.”

Sara grinned back. “Nah, you’re good. No one else will be here for a while, just me.”

Jordan came closer and pulled a stool up to the bar, sinking down into it with a sigh. Sara frowned. “What are you doing here?”

“Can’t I just come to say hello?”

Sara rolled her eyes with a fond smile. “You can - you always can… but you  _ didn’t _ .”

“No,” Jordan said quietly with a small, careful smile. “That’s true. But I finished work early, and I thought you might be here, and I figured if you were here alone I could come chat while you set up. Ava’s working late tonight, and I’m not doing anything with my evening. I don’t have anywhere else to be. And besides - it beats leaving you here to set up alone like usual.”

“It is nice to have company,” Sara admitted with a smile, and Jordan’s slightly smug expression made her shake her head with a small, light laugh. It still surprised her that she and Jordan seemed to get on as if they had known each other for years - ten months ago, she would never have expected Ava’s fianceé to become one of her closest friends. They were fairly similar, she supposed, and therefore got on like a house on fire. “So,” she asked, “how are you?” 

Jordan’s smile widened, but something flickered through her eyes, too quick for Sara to process. “How are  _ you _ ?” she asked in return, and Sara resisted the urge to roll her eyes for the third time in the last five minutes.

“I asked first,” she responded, raising one eyebrow slightly. Jordan opened her mouth to continue winding Sara up, but Sara got there first. “Don’t you dare say ‘I asked second’,” she joked, and the laughter twinkling in Jordan’s eyes told her that she had perfectly preempted her response.

“ _ I _ came to visit you,” Jordan tried instead, and Sara glared at her with no malice whatsoever. Jordan was enjoying this, she could tell - but it could go on all evening if they weren’t careful, and she had a club to open up soon. 

She sighed, admitting defeat, and ignoring Jordan’s teasing grin. “I’m good,” she conceded, going back to setting up, opening the till to check there was enough loose change and then reaching for the card machine to check it had sufficient paper left. “It’s busy, but I like it that way. Everything at the university and the museum is going smoothly - well, as smoothly as it can - and things here are the same as they’ve always been. So… yeah, I’m good. The sun’s out too, and we’re heading towards summer. I love Star City in the sun.”

“Me too,” Jordan said quietly, lacking the smile that had lit up her face since the moment she walked through the door. Sara paused momentarily and glanced over to her, but Jordan seemed to notice her gaze instantly and looked up, the mask she had let slip firmly back in place. For a split second, the conversation had turned more serious - but that seriousness was gone before Sara had the chance to catch up with it. “Did Ray tell you he’d found a ring?” 

It was deflection 101, but despite it being her specialty, it somehow managed to slip past Sara’s radar. Her smile grew wide enough it felt as though it was splitting her cheeks. “He facetimed me from the shop,” she admitted, and Jordan laughed softly. “He wasn’t sure he’d chosen the right one. As if he’d chose the  _ wrong _ engagement ring.”

“As if Nora would ever say no,” Jordan added, and Sara snorted.

“Exactly. Besides - he’s got good taste. It’s… it’s beautiful.” Her eyes drifted over to the engagement ring on Jordan’s finger, waiting to be joined by a wedding band. Her voice softened as she added “Almost as beautiful as yours.”

Jordan smiled again, but despite it being happy and affectionate and all the things it was supposed to be, it still made Sara pause. Something didn’t quite seem truthful, although she had no hope of pinpointing what it was. She bit her lip, and stopped fiddling with things behind the bar. “What’s going on with you?”

It was a careful question, and a gentle one, although for a moment Sara wondered if it had been  _ too _ gentle, because Jordan seemed determined to ignore it. Her bright eyes and easy smile might have let her get away with it too, had she been talking to someone else. That said, Jordan had made her own way to  _ Verdant  _ this evening _ , _ and had deliberately sought Sara out - she clearly  _ wanted _ to talk about something, no matter how many excuses she made. It was confusing, and Sara didn’t know where to start or what she was supposed to think. She couldn’t tell if Jordan was upset about something or the complete opposite, because even the melancholy expression she was trying to keep behind a facade was mingled with a complicated joy. Jordan tapped her fingers against the bar, lips curving up into a small, proud smile that threw Sara for a loop as she attempted to work out the tone of the conversation. 

“I got the promotion.”

Sara’s eyebrows shot up, and she broke into a grin. “Jordan!” she exclaimed, watching as Jordan’s smile widened until it matched hers, eyes sparkling with a pride that hadn’t been there before. She’d been working towards this for months - no, for years. Everything she had been building on since college had led her right here, and she’d poured countless hours into her work, staying late and taking cases that were above her pay grade and doing everything she could to chase her dreams. Sara reached for the tequila with a warm, gentle laugh. “Congratulations.”

Jordan’s smile wavered. 

The world seemed to dim ever so slightly and Sara paused, shot glasses in hand. Something was off, but she couldn’t put her finger on it. The air of celebration was genuine, the tequila was about to be poured, and the hard work and stress of the last few months had finally,  _ finally _ paid off... and yet Jordan’s happiness wasn’t what she had expected - it felt tainted, somehow, although she had no way of confirming that unless Jordan told her whatever it was she was keeping to herself. Jordan looked up, cheerful facade becoming more transparent as the minutes ticked by. “Thanks.”

She  _ did _ seem happy, Sara argued with herself, but pressed her lips firmly together. If Jordan didn’t want to talk about whatever was bothering her yet, she could respect that. She could give her the benefit of the doubt, even, and keep pretending not to have noticed the way Jordan’s delight was fading. She let her warm smile return, and poured them both a drink.“Everyone’s gonna be so happy for you, we’ve all seen how hard you’ve worked for this. Have you told Ava yet?”

Jordan swallowed, and Sara couldn’t ignore it. “Jordan?” she asked, voice quiet. 

Jordan shook her head listlessly. “She’s busy, I didn’t want to interrupt.”

Sara’s brow furrowed. No matter what was going on, Ava had always been Jordan’s number one supporter - she’d seen them share in each other’s joy and delight, just as she had seen them share in Jordan’s sorrow. They were there for each other. Always. Anyone who had ever seen them together would know it, and unlike the rest of their friends, Sara was intimately familiar with the excitement that came from having Ava to share every detail of your life with; once upon a time  _ she  _ had been the one rushing to tell Ava good news, just to see the way her eyes lit up and her smile brightened as she reached out, pulling her into a searing kiss that said  _ well done _ and  _ I’m proud of you _ and  _ look at you! you can do anything _ all at once. 

Years ago when it had been her turn to share a moment like this with Ava she had been buzzing, bursting with pride, beaming up at the person she loved most in the world and saying ‘look! I did it! And all because you believed in me!’.

And even though Jordan wasn’t her... she wasn’t that different either. And her not immediately finding a way to tell Ava something like this, either in person or over text… it was odd. Sara bit her lip, and leant her elbows on the bar. “What is it?” she asked softly, and Jordan looked up, smile completely faded. 

“They want me to move.”

Sara inhaled sharply, and Jordan tapped her fingernails against the bar, eyes fixed on a stain Sara hadn’t been able to remove. She took a breath. “This job… it’s my favourite part of my life. I love it, and if I take this promotion I’ll get the chance to travel and help people and do so many things I’ve always wanted to do.” She shrugged hopelessly. “It feels like something I was always meant to do, you know? It feels  _ right _ . And… I want it. The more I think about it, the more I want to run back into that office and tell them yes, I’ll take it, of course I’ll take it.” 

Sara chewed the inside of her lip, heart sinking as her thoughts vaguely wandered towards everyday life without Ava and Jordan in it before she sharply reminded herself that this wasn’t about her, not in the slightest, and whatever Jordan and Ava decided to do, she’d find a way to live with it. She’d done it before. 

She kept quiet, knowing that if she gave her the space, Jordan would keep on talking.

"I don't want to go, because we’d have to leave this all behind," Jordan eventually added, and Sara nodded. She got it. After leaving her life here once to move to LA there was no chance of her ever doing it again, and unlike the rest of their friends Jordan had already had a taste of adult life without friends like these. Jordan sighed slowly, took a long swig of her drink, and looked back over to Sara with a hopeless shrug. "But at the same time... this job is everything I've been working towards since I left college.” She sounded apologetic as she admitted “I  _ want _ to take it, and I hate myself for that. If I didn’t want it so badly, things would be easy.”

Sara smiled wryly and slipped around the bar, pulling a stool up next to Jordan’s and topping up her drink. She gave Jordan’s shoulder an encouraging nudge, but the gesture felt empty. “You guys can always visit,” she suggested, but Jordan shook her head, tears collecting in her eyes.

“We can’t,” she replied, forcing the words past the lump in her throat.

Sara reached out, curling her hand around Jordan’s wrist. “Hey. Look, if you and Ava move, it’s not gonna be like when I moved to LA. You’re not gonna leave loose ends lying around, you won’t be leaving without saying goodbye. If you do go, we’ll make sure we stay in contact with you both and we’ll call and facetime and you can visit whenever you want, yeah? Everyone’s got a couch, and Ray and Nate and Amaya have spare rooms - we’ll always have space for you both.”

She couldn’t imagine her life without Ava and Jordan in it, but if this was what life threw at them, they’d manage. Jordan’s job taking them a little further away would change things, and they would struggle to adjust, but it wasn’t as if they’d just be  _ gone _ . She’d tried that, and wasn’t about to let anyone else make the same mistakes. They were each other’s family - and that included Jordan too. 

Jordan shook her head again, tears collecting in her eyes. “No, no you’re not - it’s not - they don’t just want me to move. They want me to move to  _ London _ .”

Sara's stomach twisted. She hadn’t considered - 

London felt half a world away.

She felt uneasy, and the air felt thick - something was changing, and she didn’t know what to do about it. But before she had a chance to process what Jordan was telling her Jordan took a shaky breath, steeling herself for whatever she was about to say next. 

“I really want to take it,” she admitted, voice small and unhappy. She trailed off, swallowed, and then ever so quietly finished voicing the thought she was struggling to say. “But I… I don’t think Ava will want to move.”

Sara paused, aware she was treading on thin, fragile ground. “You can’t know what Ava will want until you talk to her about this,” she said quietly, hating the words that were coming out of her mouth. She didn’t  _ want _ Ava to go. She didn’t want Jordan to go. She wanted to keep things as they were, in this safe, calm, familiar bubble. 

“She loves this city,” Jordan said quietly, tears beginning to collect in her eyes.

She found Jordan’s hand and squeezed it lightly. “She loves  _ you _ .”

“I know, but -”

“Jordan, stop.” Sara turned slightly until Jordan had no choice but to look up and meet her eyes. Her heart twisted slightly at the turmoil hanging over her, a stark contrast to the put-together, determined person she usually saw. She was the one who usually fell apart, and it was strange seeing the tables turned. “Don’t get ahead of yourself - trust me, I know how easy it is to overthink things and convince yourself you know how things are gonna go, but it’s a slippery slope and… just… don’t go there. You don’t have to work out whether you’re gonna take this job yet. You’ve got time, and you’ve got people who will help you work through whatever you need to.”

She waited for Jordan to give her a shaky nod, and then smiled gently, ignoring the sound of the door opening, vague chatter in the background letting her know that other people had arrived ready to start their shifts. “Right now, go home. Talk to Ava when she gets back, okay? You’ve gotta decide what you’re doing together.”

Jordan’s second nod was even shakier, and Sara slipped off her bar stool and pulled her into a hug. “Things will work out the way they’re meant to,” she promised quietly, and Jordan sighed. 

“I just hate not knowing, you know?”

Sara nodded. “I know.” She knew better than most what it was like to have decisions laid out in front of her, and the option to choose between them. When it had been her turn she had made the wrong choices and it had taken five years to fix them, but Jordan wasn’t her; she was the kind of person who would think things through and communicate properly with the people she cared about and come to a sensible, logical conclusion that would be the best option for everyone involved. Whatever decision Jordan and Ava made, it would be the right one. 

Jordan’s phone buzzed and she picked it up off the bar, the corners of her lips curling up in response to whatever message she had just received. (It was probably Ava, Sara thought with a smile, and didn’t interrupt the moment Jordan was having.) Jordan shoved her phone back into her coat pocket. “I’ll leave you to get on with your job,” she smiled, and Sara was relieved to see that despite everything, the smile was genuine. She made her way back round to the other side of the bar after giving Jordan’s hand one last, final squeeze. 

“I’ll see you soon,” she said, and Jordan nodded. “And Jordan - congratulations. For getting the job, whether you take it or not. I’m glad your hard work’s being recognised.”

Jordan’s smile softened. “Thank you.”

As Jordan slipped out the door Sara couldn’t help glancing down at the half finished drink she had left behind with a long, tired sigh. Just when things were okay again it was all about to be turned on its head, the life she had gotten used to in Star City always seeming to be in flux and her unable to stop it. This opportunity was everything Jordan had wanted, and Jordan and Ava leaving might be what was best for them... but selfishly, Sara didn’t want things to change.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes hi pls leave us some comments we have missed u guys


	15. I say I don't want that (but what if I do)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Sara was filled with the vague idea that she should say something, to fill the silence that had fallen between them - but she had no idea how. She was here to listen - nothing she could say would make this decision any easier. After a few moments more Ava pushed her coffee aside, sitting up a little straighter. The air around them changed in some small, unidentifiable way. “Forget about what I should do for a minute,” Ava tried, clutching at straws. “Forget about the job, and everything else. Do you want me to go?”"
> 
> OR
> 
> ava & jordan try to figure out what they're gonna do about jordan's promotion, and sara makes an important realisation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi team! 
> 
> we're just a few chapters away from you guys finally getting to read our favourite part of the fic so far so hang on to ur hats, things are gonna be a rollercoaster from here on out! 
> 
> thanks for ur love & support & comments, as always x pls leave some more love, uni is fckn Stressful, coronavirus is stressing everyone out, and the world is a bit of a mess so we would be v grateful for some love to make our weeks better xxx
> 
> this chapter has a pretty significant turning point (you guys will probably be yelling FINALLY) and shit is abt to pick up very very very soon. we can't wait to share the rest of this with you guys <3 
> 
> (p.s. chapter title is from the archer by taylor swift)

** _May, 2020:_ **

Jordan and Ava couldn’t both get what they wanted. That was the heart of the problem. And they couldn’t compromise, either - there was no middle ground. Either they stayed, and Jordan lost out on the opportunity of a lifetime, the chance she’d been waiting for since starting college … or they left. Left everything behind. 

And as much as Sara hated to admit it, she could see the appeal of leaving. She would never do it - not again, and certainly not like she had before - but Jordan and Ava both had bigger dreams. There was nothing keeping them here. 

(Nothing except for their friends, who had become family, and a love for the city they’d found each other in.)

But they could make new memories, and they could find somewhere else that felt like home. They wouldn’t be moving alone, like Sara had - they would have each other.

Sara sighed, tapping her pen against the paper on Julius Caesar in the Civil War that she’d been staring at but in absolutely no way taking in for the last fifteen minutes. There was no reason why she had expected their friendship group to all stay close by forever, and yet she had. They had all stuck around for the five years she was in LA, and at this point they seemed permanent. Unbreakable. They were a part of her life, and she had thought now she and Zari were back this group would stick together, especially because they seemed closer now than ever before. Especially after Jax. They were  _ all  _ part of each others lives - Zari, Amaya, Nate, Ray, Nora, Mick, Wally, Ava, and Jordan. When she tried to imagine their weekly diners or movie nights without anyone, it felt incomplete. Empty. 

_ Especially _ when she tried to imagine it without Ava.

Her relationship with Ava had been turbulent for a while, and even when it had improved they’d still kept each other at arms length - but recently, she’d started to realise just how much she had missed her. The relationship and breakup, she had moved past - a long, long time ago. But the tangled ache of losing her best friend in the process, and suddenly having no one to turn to when she needed to talk, and no one who she could trust to keep her deepest secrets when she needed to spill her heart to them ... that had  _ hurt _ , almost as much as the breakup had in the first place.  _ More _ than the breakup, perhaps. She had struggled to separate the feelings, at first, because they were one and the same, indistinguishable, and she’d been too much of a mess to think straight. 

And when she had managed to, she’d pushed the loss of her best friend deep, deep down - deep enough that she managed to numb it, temporarily. She’d never gotten closure for that though, because how could she? Few people managed to be civil to their exes, and even fewer people managed to stay friends. She’d already burnt all of her bridges by the time she realised her mistake and decided that maybe she would have liked it if they had stayed in touch. 

Back then, she’d never thought she would get a second chance.

Now here she was. As close with Ava as she was with Zari, or Amaya, or Nora or Jordan - hell, maybe even closer because they knew things about each other that they had no intention to tell anyone else. She was even one of Ava’s bridesmaids, which seemed absurd and ridiculous but had also felt like the most logical and reasonable thing in the world when they thought about it. 

Moving back to Star City to start this new life might as well have been a million years ago. In July, she hadn’t known whether staying was even worth putting up with all the tension and animosity with Ava. Now Sara didn’t know what this life looked like without her.

The clock ticked, oblivious to the internal struggle going on at the desk beneath it, and Sara sighed, leaning back in her chair and putting the cap back on her pen, setting it down on top of the unmarked paper. She needed to go on a walk or something. Maybe a run. Or go to her old boxing gym. Any kind of distraction from her racing thoughts, and the way her mind was whirling with memories and possibilities and uncertainties. The stress that had followed spring break hadn’t let up at all, and as SCU narrowed down to the last few weeks of the academic year, Sara’s workload was as full as it had ever been. Needless to say, she would’ve preferred having the ability to focus on work right now, rather than panicking over a decision she had absolutely no control over. 

When it came down to it, she just didn’t want anyone else to go and she didn’t want anything else to change. There’d been enough change in all of their lives since they’d left college, and Sara wasn’t sure how she was supposed to fill the Ava and Jordan shaped hole in her life if they were to go. She’d gotten used to hearing songs that reminded her of Ava and being able to save them to play for her later, or finding jokes that fit Ava’s exact sense of humour and poking her in the side in the middle of their movie nights and turning her phone around, saying  _ hey, this made me think of you _ . She’d gotten used to having Ava in her life again, after months of keeping each other at arms length, and it felt  _ good. _ She felt complete.

Jordan moving would leave a gap in their friendship group for sure, but Sara had friends in LA, and people she’d known since highschool were already spread across the country. Kendra and Carter had moved to New York only a few weeks ago, and despite it being bittersweet it hadn’t felt like a goodbye. Despite all evidence proving otherwise, she was good at maintaining long distance friendships - when she wanted to - and she knew there was no chance of her and Jordan falling out of contact if she moved away. 

A long distance friendship with Ava though … the idea made her stomach turn. 

She could manage it again, if it came down to it. She would have to - there weren’t any other options, and this wasn’t about her. But she’d spent too long without Ava in her life already because of messy break ups and misunderstandings and petty, heartbroken, misinterpreted grudges - she’d only just gotten her back and finally worked out the kinks in their relationship. They were  _ friends. _

Although it really didn’t matter what she thought, she supposed, getting up from her desk chair and grabbing her office keys, checking she had some change in her pocket. Ava and Jordan would do what was best for them. And if that was leaving … well, she’d just have to get used to it.

* * *

** _Messenger_ ** ** _   
_ ** (Sara Lance)

adult disasters™   
_ Active now _

_ WED 4:18PM _

** _Zari:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Hey hey we all down for Billy’s tonight? 

  
** _Wally:_ ** ** _   
_ ** always!!! 

  
** _Nate:_ ** ** _   
_ ** I’ll be a bit late because I’ve got a meeting   
about the archaeology dig this summer but   
will be there as soon as I’m done!!!

  
** _Zari:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Oh shit yeah that’s right, are you going this   
year  @Nate ?

  
** _Nate:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Pls don’t ask me that my brain is already   
exploding trying to figure it out

  
** _Amaya:_ ** ** _   
_ ** I got today off work so I’ll go in early and   
grab a table! 

  
** _Wally:_ ** ** _   
_ ** i’ll come with u!! 

  
** _You:_ ** ** _   
_ ** i’ve got the same meeting as Nate but   
i’ll be there also and will drive so that   
nate doesn’t stress combust or smth

  
** _Zari:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Good plan

  
** _Mick:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Len’s coming too, he said there’s some big   
forensic conference thing barry’s coming   
to star city for so he might come tonight

  
** _Ray:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Omg amazing I haven’t seen Barry in forever

  
** _Nora:_ ** ** _   
_ ** @Jordan @Ava u guys coming?

  
** _Ava:_ ** ** _   
_ ** I don’t think we can sorry

  
** _Jordan:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Trying to figure out job stuff sorry team

  
** _Amaya:_ ** ** _   
_ ** That’s okay, just let us know when you guys   
are free for a catch up x

_ Seen by: everyone. _

* * *

** _May, 2014:_ **

_ “Do you still have feelings for her?” _

_ Wasn’t that the million dollar question. Sara exhaled slowly, leaning back against the wall of Nate’s apartment, vaguely wondering why they always ended up sat on the floor when Nate had a perfectly good bed nearby and a small table and set of chairs in his kitchen.  _

_ She didn’t  _ ** _not_ ** _ have feelings for Ava. At this point she didn’t know who she would be without Ava - Ava had been a part of her life (a part of  _ ** _her_ ** _ ) for such a long time that imagining any kind of life without her seemed impossible. Their stories interweaved, dipping in and out but always staying close, impossible to separate. Not that she wanted to separate them. _

_ Or perhaps she did. _

_ Maybe what they needed was to take a step back and reevaluate, giving each other more space and more time and hoping that things would go back to the way they had been months ago, when it still seemed like nothing could go wrong between them. (They’d already been trying that, Sara realised, heart sinking. They hadn’t talked about taking a break, but they’d been seeing each other less and less anyway, trying to find a way to stop the small, petty fights that had started to spiral. That wasn’t how people acted around someone they loved.) _

_ But that said, she didn’t know how not to love Ava. They fought, and they failed to see eye to eye, and they spent nights at their friends houses or studying at the library to avoid having to go home… but then Ava would smile, the sunlight catching her hair at the right angle and making her look radiant, eyes sparkling, and everything else would fade away. Ava would show up to events that Sara had given up hope of having a date to, and pull her into a hug when Sara arrived back after a long, exhausting day with a bunch of slightly crooked flowers that she’d bought on the way home.  _

_ She hadn’t bought any flowers in months. _

_ Maybe that was the problem, she thought for a moment. Maybe she should just buy Ava some flowers and everything would be fine.  _

_ Sara almost laughed out loud at her own naivety. _

_ She missed feeling the way she had when this relationship had started. She missed the rush of noticing Ava glancing in her direction, she missed the uncontrollable butterflies that appeared whenever their skin happened to touch, she missed the flush that crept up Ava’s cheeks and the way she would awkwardly rub the back of her neck with a small, secret smile every time she got distracted by Sara’s lips. She missed sitting a lecture and feeling her phone vibrate, glancing down at the screen to see that Ava had texted her a song she should listen to, unable to fight her smile. She missed Ava pulling her through the door to the apartment, fingers curling into hers, suggesting evening plans and weekend plans and talking about her day. She missed sitting on the counter as she watched Ava make pancakes, and she missed the feeling of Ava’s arms curling around her waist from behind while she stood at the stove, boiling the soup they’d spent all afternoon making. She missed being loved,  _ ** _feeling_ ** _ loved. _

_ She missed Ava. _

_ Which felt more stupid than anything else, because she still  _ ** _had_ ** _ Ava, just about. (She just knew, deep down, that Ava wasn’t hers anymore, not in the way she had been. They had drifted too far, and the ropes that they were tossing to each other were too tangled to be of any use.) _

_ Sara felt tears pooling in her eyes and closed them, fighting back all of the thoughts that wouldn’t stop bursting through her mind, the relationship she missed like a hole in the heart playing in HD across the back of her eyelids. It had been beautiful, once upon a time. It had seemed like the kind of love that would last forever, no matter what life threw at them. Now … she took a deep, shaky breath and finally looked back over to Nate, responding with a hopeless shrug. Did she still have feelings for Ava? _

_ She didn’t know. And that was the most terrifying thing of all.  _

* * *

“I’m assuming you have an opinion on this,” Ava said, lips curving up into a smile.

She’d asked to get coffee, and Sara had immediately replied with the times she was free, knowing that Ava - just like Jordan - was probably in need of someone to talk to about the decision she needed to make. It had been a week since Jordan got offered her promotion, and six days since she’d told Ava, but although Sara had seen Jordan a couple more times since then Ava’s schedule had been more difficult to line up with hers. As far as she knew, they’d gotten nowhere with this.

Sara curled her hands around her coffee cup. It was difficult not to form opinions on things like this - she was only human, after all - but she  _ had _ tried. She wanted whatever was best for both Jordan and Ava in the end, and helping them make the right decision wasn’t something she took lightly. She took a sip of her coffee, and tried to filter through the arguments she’d come up with over the past few days, firmly reminding herself that what she wanted didn’t matter.

“I think you should go,” she lied, and Ava looked over to her, searching her eyes.

“You don’t.”

Sara looked away. “I  _ do _ ,” she insisted. “So long as that’s what you want.”

The silence between them was heavy, but Sara made no attempt to fill it. A barista dropped a teaspoon, the faint cling as it hit the floor reaching their ears over the gentle hubbub of other people’s conversations in the surprisingly busy cafe. Sara returned her gaze to Ava, noting her light frown that refused to go away, and the pale, almost concealed circles under her eyes. She looked tired, Sara mused, but bit her tongue to stop herself from commenting. She could bring it up later, perhaps, but she didn’t expect that to change anything - unlike her, Ava was the sort of person to carefully think over any big decisions she had to make, weighing up their pros and cons and coming to a well reasoned conclusion rather than jumping in feet first and blindly hoping that everything would fall into place.

“It’s what Jordan wants,” Ava said quietly, and despite it not coming as a shock, it still made Sara’s heart sink. “She hadn’t said how badly she wants it, but she doesn’t need to. I could hear it in her voice when she talked about the outreach she would get to do, and I could see her excitement in her eyes.”

In another situation, it would have been hopelessly romantic. But right now ... 

Sara took a sip of her drink and placed it carefully back down on the table, taking her time. “Is it what  _ you _ want?” she asked, and Ava gave her a hopeless shrug.

“I don’t know what I want.”

“Do you like London?”

Ava smiled wryly, picking up a spoon and stirring the dregs of her latte. “The last time I was in London I missed your dad’s funeral.” 

Sara bit her lip. “Oh. Right, yeah.” She watched Ava absentmindedly stirring for a moment, lost in the calming repetition of the motion, but then managed to snap herself out of it and offered Ava a small smile instead. “But did you like the  _ city _ ,” she clarified, and Ava shrugged.

“It’s a good city. I  _ do _ like it - I like it a lot - but… nowhere will ever be the same as here, not for me. This city’s my  _ home _ , Sara. And as much as I know I would love living in London, it could never compare.”

Sara’s mind drifted back to her first few days in LA, searching for a feeling that she never managed to find, a sense of belonging that only existed in a place where you’ve created memories, a place where you’ve met friends and found family and grown and changed. LA could never be that for her, not when she already had one city that felt like home. “I know,” she said softly, and Ava looked up, surprised by the understanding audible in her words. Sara swallowed, stomach turning as she continued a case she desperately wanted not to. “You love it almost as much as here though.”

Ava shook her head, and then nodded. “No - I mean - yeah, you’re right. Perhaps. But here… I don’t know how to explain it.”

“You don’t need to.” 

Star City was magnetic, in a way, as if no matter how far away anyone moved, they always got drawn back in, unable to resist the pull. Sara could never have put a name to it - but she’d felt it. She  _ couldn’t  _ stay away. Every time she had thought about leaving since Jax’s funeral, she had never been able to follow through - because that part of her that belonged here, the part of her that Star City had latched on to… she had lost it once too many times already.

“You’d still have the girl you love though,” Sara reasoned, as Ava curled her fingers around her mug. “And the job you love, too.”

Ava paused, almost empty mug halfway to her lips, and Sara was filled with the sudden, unescapable feeling that she had said something wrong. She frowned slightly, bottom lip caught between her teeth. She knew Ava better than most people, especially after they’d spent the last few months  _ properly _ reconnecting, free from the fear of crossing any lines, determined to be completely honest with each other. “What is it?” she asked, and Ava took a slow, measured breath.

“They can’t transfer me.”

Sara’s frown deepened. “As in … ”

“As in, their London branch doesn’t have an opening for me. If we move, I’ll have to work my way up from the bottom of the company.” She ran one hand through her hair “...again.”

Sara leant back in her chair, hating the turmoil swirling in Ava’s eyes. For once, why couldn’t things just be simple?

“Jordan’s been working towards this since college,” Ava said quietly, “and it’s everything to her. Her dreams are being handed to her on a plate, and I don’t - I can’t be the one who takes that away from her. I want to believe that I’d follow her anywhere. But then… you know me, Sara, you were here when I first talked about plans and ideas for after college, about the work I wanted to do. And I’m doing that now.  _ I’ve _ spent years working towards this too.”

The background noise in the cafe had faded, and Sara found herself holding her breath. “Would you give it up for her?” she asked tentatively, taking a metaphorical step forward onto thinner ice, knowing that she was one wrong word away from shattering it. 

When Ava finally responded, she sounded uncertain. “I would,” she said honestly. “But… I’m scared I would regret it.” She ran one hand through her hair, frustrated that there wasn’t an easy solution - or even a slightly less impossible solution. “Besides … she’ll hate the idea of me giving this up for her. But I don’t want her to give up  _ her _ dreams for me either.”

“It sucks that there’s no compromise,” Sara added, and Ava nodded.

“Yeah.”

Sara was filled with the vague idea that she should say something, to fill the silence that had fallen between them - but she had no idea how. She was here to listen - nothing she could say would make this decision any easier. After a few moments more Ava pushed her coffee aside, sitting up a little straighter. The air around them changed in some small, unidentifiable way. “Forget about what I  _ should _ do for a minute,” Ava tried, clutching at straws. “Forget about the job, and everything else. Do you  _ want _ me to go?”

Sara shifted in her seat. She was hit with a stronger surge of the dread she’d been carrying around ever since Jordan had first told her that the promotion involved moving to England. The heavy, sinking, helpless, gnawing anxiety in the base of her stomach at the idea of them not being here. Of  _ Ava  _ not being here. And Sara knew now, now that it had been presented to her with an ultimatum she had no say in, now that Ava might actually move across the world, that it wasn’t just because she didn’t want things to change. Sara was well versed in change. She was actually pretty good at it, in fact. 

This all consuming dread wasn’t about change. 

“That’s not fair,” said Sara, barely managing to get the words out. 

“Sara - ”

She sounded desperate for an answer of some kind, but Sara tried to refuse again, softer this time. “You can’t make your decisions based on what any of us want - this is about you and Jordan, and what’s best for both of you.”

Ava looked away, defeated. “I know. But… please.”

Sara sighed. She shouldn’t - her input wasn’t needed, and it wasn’t necessary, and the last thing she wanted was to affect the outcome of this situation, but she couldn’t stop her eyes from flickering over Ava’s furrowed eyebrows and twisted, confused, tumultuous expression. Her opinion didn’t count, and she didn’t want it to ever influence Ava’s, but … Ava was asking and she needed an answer and Sara couldn’t give her anything but the truth. 

“No,” she said finally. “No Ava, of course I don’t want you to go. I ...” She stopped, feeling words she refused to think about at the tip of her tongue and trying with every fibre of self control she had not to let them spill over. 

“What?” said Ava, and it didn’t even sound like a question - she said it softly and hesitantly, almost as though she already knew the answer and with the careful, heartbroken expression in her eyes, Sara suspected that maybe she did. 

Sara let her eyes drop to the worn, faded wooden table her arms were resting on. “I could barely let you go the first time,” she said in barely a whisper and she heard Ava’s quiet intake of breath. “It was easier because  _ I  _ was the one leaving. I … I know it’s selfish as fuck, but I don’t know how I would be able to be the one to watch you go.” 

Ava looked up, eyes cloudy, and Sara swallowed. She knew there wasn’t anything in what she’d said that laid all of her cards on the table - not really - but the panic forced her to keep talking anyway. “But who am I to tell you guys to stay? I don’t want Jordan to miss out on this opportunity, if that’s what you both want. If you decide that moving is the best option, then I have no right to take this away from you just because I don’t want either of you to leave. Ava ... I  _ can’t _ tell you what to do. And not only that, but I am the  _ last _ person who should get an opinion on this - it’s not like I checked whether my actions would hurt any of you when  _ I _ left.”

“But you leaving  _ did _ hurt us all,” Ava mused quietly, and Sara didn’t like it. 

“No - that’s not what I’m trying to say. And besides, you wouldn’t leave like I did.”

“We wouldn’t,” Ava admitted, but ran her hand through her hair yet again, getting more and more frustrated by not being able to find a simple answer. When her eyes met Sara’s they were piercing, clearer than they had been all evening, and filled with a knowledge that came from having lived through a similar situation before. “It would still hurt you though.”

“Ava - ”

Ava shook her head. “I don’t mean… if we don’t go, it’s not going to be because you don’t want us to. And - that really doesn’t sound how I want it to - but…”

“No,” Sara agreed when Ava trailed off. “You and Jordan need to put  _ yourselves _ first, for once. You guys are always looking out for the rest of us, but you don’t need to do that right now, just focus on what’s best for you both and things will slot into place. So … yeah, it’ll hurt if you move, but it wouldn’t be your fault and we wouldn’t be angry at you and it wouldn’t destroy the relationships you have here. I need you to know that.”

Ava seemed to take a moment to process what Sara was saying, but eventually she sighed. “I’m really struggling not to compare this to you leaving,” she admitted, the vulnerability in her voice taking Sara by surprise.

“Me too,” she admitted, despite knowing her raw honestly was likely to complicate things further. 

There was nothing else she could add, really. This wasn’t her life, and it wasn’t her dilemma, and there was nothing she could do other than listen and help both Ava and Jordan sort through their thoughts as best as they could, trying her hardest not to let the feelings she was avoiding influence what she had to say. She took another sip of her coffee, but before she could ask Ava anything else Ava’s phone buzzed and an alert she had set earlier popped up on the screen. Ava’s eyes flicked down to read it, and then she pushed her coffee cup towards the centre of the table, reaching for her coat. “I’m sorry. I feel like I’m always rushing out on you, but I’ve got to get to a meeting. Not that it really matters, since I might not have this job for much longer.”

“You don’t know how  _ not _ to be the perfect employee,” Sara smiled, hoping the slight melancholy tone her voice had taken on wasn’t audible to Ava. 

Ava smiled, eyes crinkling slightly at the corners. “Shut up. Hey - if you’re free later this week though, we could try this again? Maybe Jordan and I might have come to some kind of conclusion by then.” 

Sara held back her urge to tell Ava that she hoped they took forever to make their decision, because she hadn’t yet managed to wrap her head around the idea that in a few months, they could both be gone. “Keep me updated,” she said instead, returning Ava’s gentle smile, and watching as she made her way out the door. 

She was intending on leaving too. 

She had things to finish at SCU, and even if she was avoiding that pile of work, there were plenty of other things she could occupy her time with. And yet without thinking about it or meaning to, Sara found herself sitting back at the table she and Ava had chosen with a fresh, piping hot coffee in her hand, mind wandering wherever it wanted to, stomach sinking further. The dread from earlier had returned in full force now she had the chance to process it, and she hated that there were no longer any distractions to pull her away.

Worse still was that without Ava sitting across the table with that weary, exhausted, confused look in her eyes that made Sara’s heart ache, she could be fairly sure that the emotions she had now were entirely her own. This wasn’t empathy. Her stomach wasn’t twisting uncomfortably because she hated seeing  _ Ava _ like this - it was all, at its core, because of what  _ she _ was about to lose. (What she was  _ maybe _ about to lose, she thought to herself for a fleeting second. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t suppress the tiny twinkle of hope that had made its way into her heart, warm and soft and unyielding.)

This was dangerous, and it was stupid, and it would probably get her hurt. And yet she couldn’t stop it and she couldn’t unthink it, no matter how much she wanted to take this realisation back. 

Everything she was torn over, all of the complex emotions swirling like a vortex inside of her … they were about Ava. 

About how she  _ felt  _ about Ava. She barely dared to think it, and the idea alone made her stomach sink further still. But maybe in the last couple of months that - her  _ feelings _ \- had become blurred with their increasing closeness and a friendship that was somehow both familiar and unfamiliar at the same time. And of course there was  _ Jordan, _ who Sara adored and who was one of her closest friends, and maybe her subconscious had buried this just enough because it knew it was a pointless development of emotions anyway. But now Ava might be leaving and none of Sara’s emotions were controlled anymore, and there it was  _ this _ , staring her right in the face as though she should’ve seen it this whole time. 

She didn’t want Ava to leave because she had feelings for her. 

(Again.) 

* * *

** _October, 2011:_ **

_ Sara curled her toes into the warm, golden sand under her feet, lying back against the picnic blanket and throwing an arm over her eyes to shield them from the bright sun sparkling high in the sky. October usually had a delicate chill to the air, but today - the second day of fall break - was oddly warm, and so Sara found herself soaking up the sun, grinning at the distant sounds of Jax, Nate and Wally throwing around a football a few feet away (Wally losing miserably).  _

_ “Fuck I’m gonna miss the sun,” sighed Amaya, stretching her arms above her head. Sara smirked as she saw the eyes of several guys across the beach widen as they stared at Amaya gormlessly. “Don’t get me wrong - Star City is beautiful in the winter but there’s nothing quite like this.”  _

_ “I agree,” said Ava. “The beach reminds me of home.”  _

_ “We get it, you grew up in California,” said Sara and Ava glared at her, tossing her cap in Sara’s direction. Sara caught it and shot Ava a shit-eating grin before putting it on backwards, grin widening as she watched Ava’s eyes flick over her full outfit, lingering on the cap. _

_ “You guys gonna come throw the ball around?” asked Jax, dropping down to the picnic blanket.  _

_ “Off!” said Zari, shoving him. “You’re all disgusting and sweaty and you’re dropping sand everywhere!”  _

_ Jax pouted. “You wound me Tomaz. What if I was vulnerable and just needed some  _ ** _love _ ** _ -”  _

_ “Lay off Jax, you stink,” said Sara, pushing herself up onto her elbows and meeting Jax’s eye with a grin.  _

_ Jax smirked. “You guys keep throwing insults at me and I’m gonna haul you both into the sea,” he said, leaning over to steal a strawberry.  _

_ “Like that’d stop Sara,” said Amaya. “She’d go running in there in her underwear in January, let alone on a day like this.”  _

_ “Really?” said Ava in surprise, eyes flickering over to Sara. She forgot, sometimes, that Ava didn’t know her as well as the others. “I wouldn’t have taken you for someone who loved the sea. Figured you’d be a city girl.”  _

_ “I know it comes as a surprise to you that I’m a multifaceted human being Ava, but -”  _

_ Jax rolled his eyes just as Nate appeared abruptly beside him, tugging Sara to her feet. “Okay, swim time, before you two start ripping each other to shreds and become the centre of the apocalypse on such a nice day.”  _

_ “You guys coming?” asked Jax, already moving on from the teasing.  _

_ “It’s barely warm enough to be sunbathing,” Amaya grimaced. “You couldn’t pay me to go in that water.”  _

_ “I’ll take the opportunity of you guys being out there to have some peace and quiet and take a nap,” Zari added, tugging her cap over her face.  _

_ Nate held back a laugh. “She loves us deep down,” he said loudly, throwing an arm around Sara’s shoulders.  _

_ “She’ll miss us when we’re gone,” Sara agreed with an overdramatic sigh, saluting in Zari’s direction.  _

_ Ava laughed at their antics, and Sara was a little surprised at the softness of it. She was getting used to the little bursts of something different in Ava than the stuck up, abrasive personality she’d come to know over the last year - it was that ‘something different’ that had led to Ava being a part of spontaneous trips like this one. Something that irked Sara far less than it had at the start of freshman year and instead made her want to know more about Ava, about how she’d grown up, what type of music she liked to listen to, how she took her coffee.  _

_ Crisp, slightly numbingly cold waves crashed over Sara’s feet and she curled her fingers into Jax’s arm. “Fucking hell.”  _

_ “You backing out?” teased Jax and Sara glowered at him.  _

_ “As if,” she said indignantly. “Just gotta get used to it. It’s fucking October for crying out loud. I haven’t been to the beach since August, okay?”  _

_ “Only one way to get used to it,” smirked Nate and Sara’s eyes widened.  _

_ “Don’t you -”  _

_ Without a moment’s warning, Jax and Nate both pulled further into the ocean just as a large wave broke over them. Icy salt water flooded Sara’s mouth and every inch of her skin screamed in protest at the cold for barely a second before a sudden but familiar calm replaced it. A calm that reminded her of leaping off Jake’s boat into the lake during summer vacations, of sprinting into the sea with Laurel on warm, late August evenings after school, of spring breaks jumping into the Queens’ backyard pool when it was too hot to do anything else.  _

_ Sometimes Sara wished she could hold her breath forever, sink to the bottom of the sea and live in the wonderful, echoing silence of being underwater until everything in the world that made her anxious or unsure faded away. But just like now, her lungs always started to ache and Sara felt the tide rush back to the sea and reluctantly, she stood, stumbling a little as she tried to get her balance in the rushing water. Hands grasped Sara’s arms to steady her - smaller, softer, smoother hands than Jax or Nate, and Sara opened her eyes in surprise, blinking at the burn of the salt water.  _

_ “Ava?”  _

_ “You good?” asked Ava. She still had that sparkle in her eye from before. (Maybe it was just the sun, but something Sara couldn’t put her finger on was convinced it wasn’t.)  _

_ “Yeah,” said Sara a little breathlessly. She pulled her hands away from Ava’s to push her hair from her face. “I like being underwater.”  _

_ Ava smiled. “Yeah, me too.”  _

_ Sara had always been well aware that Ava was attractive. She wasn’t blind - the edge of sexual tension was one of the things that had made arguing with her so much more satisfying over the past year. But there was something about right now - about the way the sunlight caught the lighter streaks of blonde in Ava’s hair and how her eyes seemed bluer surrounded by the ocean, how her skin glowed in the light and her smile was softer, her entire body still warm from basking in the sun while Sara’s body shivered a little from the water - that made something in Sara’s chest skip.  _

_ (Oh no.)  _

_ “This uh -” She swallowed. “This is one of my favourite places in this city. Even though it’s not technically  _ ** _in _ ** _ the city.”  _

_ “It’s beautiful,” said Ava, her eyes flickering over the endless expanse of blue behind them. Sara noticed that her fingers had started fiddling with the simple, chain bracelet she never seemed to take off. A year ago, Sara would’ve added it to the list of things she found annoying about Ava. Right now, it was incredibly endearing, and it made Sara want to curl her fingers around Ava’s.  _

_ (Shit.)  _

_ “Sara!” called Jax, already out much farther into the sea than where Sara and Ava were standing. “You coming or what?”  _

_ Inexplicably, Sara’s gaze snapped to Ava. Ava didn’t seem to have the regular urge to tease her for it. Instead, she shrugged, nudged Sara and echoed “You coming or what?”  _

_ “Are you?” asked Sara before she could stop herself.  _

_ Ava looked surprised for a moment before a tinge of colour appeared on her cheeks with a pleased smile - the same smile she’d worn when Sara had opened the invitation to her for this afternoon, and when she’d been coerced into joining their trivia team, and when Sara had started sitting next to her in their History of the Eastern World lectures.  _

_ (Oh boy.)  _

_ “I’m right behind you,” Ava said, and Sara looked away before Ava could see her grin like an idiot.  _

_ (She supposed there were worse people to have a crush on than Ava Sharpe.) _

* * *

** _Messenger_ ** ** _   
_ ** (Sara Lance)

Zari Tomaz   
_ Active now _

_ THURS 12:04AM _

_   
_ I know you’re working but Amaya and   
I were talking about this and I kinda    
want you to weigh in 

  
it’s ok we’re weirdly slow rn

  
We’re worried about Jordan and Ava 

  
fuck i know me too

  
They haven’t hung out with anyone for   
basically this whole month. Like, I’ve    
seen Ava a few times but they’re never   
together anymore 

I don’t think I’ve seen Jordan in weeks

  
I saw ava last week but i haven’t talked   
to jordan in a while. i figured she might   
want some space

  
I think we need to talk to them bc it doesn’t   
seem like compromising is going very well

  
i mean, they’re gonna have to compromise   
somehow though right? there’s only two   
options here, either jordan takes the job   
and they move, or she doesn’t take the job   
and they stay 

  
Or, Jordan takes the job and moves, and Ava   
stays in Star City

  
you think they’d do long distance?

  
Maybe?

  
i’m not sure

jordan’s job is a permanent position and   
isn’t there that whole thing that to do long   
distance you need an endgame? plus what   
would that endgame even be, jordan needs   
to be in london and ava needs to be in star   
city that’s like the whole reason this is a mess

i don’t think ava’s the type of person who could    
do long distance anyway 

  
I guess the other option is that Jordan leaves,    
Ava stays and they don’t do long distance

  
Z, that’s called a break up

  
Yeah I know

  
you don’t seriously think they’d break up?   
like, they’re engaged

  
Honestly I have no idea but they’ve been   
weird lately 

I don’t want them to 

But if I don’t think either of them want the    
other person to give something up and there   
doesn’t seem like any kind of easy compromise   
in between it all

  
fuck

look, i’ll meet up with jordan okay? see   
if i can find out where things are at.

  
  
  
  



	16. leave it be (don't make the same mistakes as me)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Sara should have been asleep. She had a 9am meeting at SCU in the morning, and had already worked a double shift at Verdant today because half the staff were out with the flu. But tonight had been a rare occasion when Laurel was awake and free and with how much in Star City felt like it was going through a never ending series of turbulence, Sara had jumped at the opportunity to facetime her sister. 
> 
> Except now, it meant she was awake to see this. The text she had been dreading since April. She supposed that it was better to see it now than when she woke up and had to then sit through a two hour end of year department meeting thinking about it. She didn’t know if she was just stunned or genuinely nauseous or if she was having a panic attack or if the disbelief and exhaustion were all just hitting her in one enormous punch to the gut, but Sara found herself clutching her phone so tightly she was afraid she was gonna break it."
> 
> OR
> 
> jordan & ava finally make a decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi guys 
> 
> it feels like the world has changed so drastically since we posted last week's chapter. 
> 
> we're both feeling the anxiety and overwhelming emotions that are coming with trying to manage our regular uni / life stress on top of this global crisis, and it's been difficult staying focused and motivated on anything at all. but this fic + legends in general has been a really wonderful outlet for us to find some sort of distraction and we wanted to make sure to upload a chapter because we feel like if it could maybe be something that makes anybody's day a little easier, it would be worth it. sorry this chapter is a tad later than they usually are, even though we write 4 chapters ahead of what we're uploading, we avoided writing the final scene of this chapter bc neither of us quite knew how to do it justice and then had to write it today instead. 
> 
> on that note! we do really really love this chapter - going back and rereading it, it's such a wonderful chapter and we hope u enjoy it as much as we do. it definitely hurts, there's some significant angst, but it's so important and it's a turning point in the fic. on the off chance that anybody might catch it - if any of you have watched bones, the conversation between sara & ava in this chapter is based on a conversation between angela & hodgins in 5x12! see if u can pick up on the bits of dialogue we used from that episode in this chapter! 
> 
> we're up to our favourite part of the fic currently so pls leave us some love, even amidst all this chaos, we want to find the motivation to keep uploading these chapters for some semblance of a normal routine, so we'd love to still hear what you think and know you guys are still reading! also, let us know how you're all doing! if you're okay! how you're coping! if you wanna get in touch via twitter, I'm still kind of on there (not scrolling a lot bc it's a bit Much) but I'm posting legends stuff so @ me! ask for some legends headcanons, or hsau headcanons, or this au headcanons! message me with some prompts & me and rach can maybe write them! we'd love to be able to provide something creative that would make this whole situation a bit easier <3 (the good stuff is coming real soon with this fic too!) 
> 
> anyway! chapter title is from same mistakes by paper aeroplanes. enjoy guys, stay safe, lots of love x

** _June, 2014:_ **

_ The vague, hazy, logical voice in Sara’s brain was trying to tell her to take in this place because it was almost definitely going to be the last time she was here, but Sara was getting alarmingly good at silencing that voice. She knew if she stopped and took it in, that was it - she’d be done for the day, and would end up sitting in the middle of the floor, sobbing over the gorgeous city view from the expansive windows, over the faux-marble countertops, the linen curtains and the hardwood floors and how she was saying goodbye to the first place she’d ever lived that had been _ ** _hers_ ** _ . (And Ava’s. But that was why she was saying goodbye, wasn’t it?) _

_ She also knew, without a doubt, that her friends desperately wanted her to tap into that logical voice in her head, even if it did mean succumbing to being a heartbroken mess. Honestly, Sara couldn’t blame them, because if she were them, watching one of her closest friends frantically and haphazardly pack away her entire life with the intention of just disappearing from the city in a flurried state of reckless spontaneity and heartbreak, she would be pretty concerned. But she wasn’t them. She was the one wanting to get out of Star City and she was leaving, whether they understood why or not. _

_ “Sara, this is ridiculous,” said Amaya from the other side of the bed which was currently covered in Sara’s belongings as Sara attempted to stuff them into suitcases and boxes. “Moving out of this apartment doesn’t mean you have to leave Star City. You can just stay with one of us for a while.” _

_ “What’s the point?” asked Sara. “College is done. Ava and I are done. This lease is done. It’s time I branch out, or whatever.” _

_ “You wanna branch out?” said Nate. “Come on that archaeology dig with me this summer. You’ll love it. And it means you don’t have to be here.” _

_ “When is it?” asked Sara, pausing for a minute to glance over at Nate. She saw the sudden hopefulness in everybody in the room that perhaps they’d manage to derail her. _

_ “In six weeks,” said Nate. _

_ “Nope,” said Sara. “Too far away. I just - I need to _ ** _go _ ** _ you guys.” _

_ “You don’t even fucking know where you’re going!” said Jax from where he was perched on the windowsill. _

_ Sara forcefully shoved a sweatshirt into her suitcase. “Z, where’s somewhere that’s the complete opposite of Star City?” _

_ “L.A.,” said Zari. _

_ A chorus of chastising “Zari!”’s and “For fuck’s sake Z!”’s echoed around the room and Zari gave them all indignant glares. _

_ “She asked a question and I answered!” she said defensively. “It’s Sara you guys, since when have we been able to talk her out of anything?” _

_ Sara’s fingers curled tightly into a t-shirt that she knew was Ava’s. “L.A.’s good,” she said, a little hoarsely. “Yeah. That’s … that’s a good idea.” _

_ “Are you kidding?” said Ray, his voice cracking with disbelief. “Sara, L.A.’s literally the other side of the country. Go visit Laurel in New York for a couple weeks. You don’t have to _ ** _move _ ** _ city.” _

_ “Yes I _ ** _do_ ** _ !” cried Sara, shoving her suitcase away from her and finally looking up at the others properly. “You - you guys don’t _ ** _get _ ** _ it. I can’t be here. I love this city and I love all of you and I don’t _ ** _want _ ** _ to leave. But I fell in love with Ava here and every single fucking thing reminds me of her. I don’t want to be avoiding corners and restaurants and places on campus because I’m afraid I’m gonna run into her. I need time where I can figure out what the hell my future is supposed to look like without her in it and I need to do that somewhere where I’m not reminded of her 24/7.” _

_ There was a long pause, a heavy, reluctant stillness in the room. It ached with tension and heartache and masochistically, Sara wanted to wrap herself up in it and feel every inch of the pain because it was so much easier than just being _ ** _sad_ ** _ . _

_ “What does your dad say?” asked Amaya softly, finally breaking the silence. _

_ Sara swallowed, wiping her face with her sleeve. “He’s paying for my ticket. Wherever I wanna go, he said.” _

_ “Seriously?” said Mick gruffly from the doorway. _

_ “Yeah,” Sara said. “He uh - he said if I want to come back within two years, then the ticket is completely on him, because it’ll have been me needing something - some time and space - to get over Ava and he says I deserve to have that. But if I end up wanting to stay after that long, I have to pay him back because that’ll just be me moving into a new stage of my life.” _

_ Another tense pause. _

_ “Two years?” said Zari, sounding properly taken aback for the first time. “Sara, that’s … that’s forever.” _

_ “You are coming back, right?” said Wally, his voice quiet and hesitant. _

_ Sara clenched her jaw. “I think so,” she lied. “Star City’s my home, right? I just need to not be here for a bit.” _

* * *

** _May, 2020:_ **

Jordan leant back against the couch in Sara and Zari’s living room, glass of wine in hand. Zari was out with Amaya and Ava at some local film festival that wasn’t really Sara’s cup of tea, so she had jumped on the opportunity to finally talk to Jordan about this decision looming over her without anyone else getting in the middle of their conversation. It had been difficult to find the time to fit it in amongst their busy schedules, but Sara had been determined not to let work or chaos or fear about the outcome of this situation stop her from being there for her friend.

Because that was what Jordan had become, no matter how strange it would have sounded to someone who hadn’t been there to watch this unfold.

Jordan smiled as Sara joined her on the couch, a gentle, appreciative smile that Sara knew she would miss if Jordan ended up on the other side of the world. People’s smiles were never quite the same, once they were just a memory.

“Sorry I’ve been so difficult to pin down,” Jordan apologised quietly, and Sara shook her head. They didn’t need to start with apologies - she’d heard too many of those already, and nothing Jordan or Ava had said or done warranted it.

“It’s okay, life’s like that.” 

Jordan looked away, a little guiltily, and a few jumbled puzzle pieces started to slot themselves together. Of _ course. _ “Unless you’ve been avoiding us,” Sara said quietly, and Jordan shifted, fingers curling around her glass. Sara sighed. “Jordan -” 

“Not on purpose.” 

Sara held her tongue, but she must have looked skeptical because Jordan bit her lip, trying to come up with the right words. Her voice was quiet when she finally elaborated “I haven’t been _ deliberately _ avoiding you, I’ve just had a lot to think about. But if I’m being honest… some of my excuses for missing game nights and diners have been tenuous, at best. I just - I don’t know how to explain it. I feel like if I’m there, I’m bringing this decision I’m supposed to make into the room, and everyone’s night is gonna be ruined.”

“Why would our nights be ruined?” Sara asked, wanting Jordan to finish making the point she was clearly hovering around.

Jordan swallowed softly. “Because there’s a chance I’m about to tear your friendship group apart.”

Like_ she _ had done. 

“Like when you left,” Jordan admitted guiltily, reading her thoughts. She was trying as hard as she could not to make it sound as though it had been Sara’s fault, but they both knew it was far too late for that. And besides, those wounds had almost healed over now. (Just in time to be picked open by losing yet more of their friends to distance and new lives and beautiful opportunities that called like a siren from across the ocean.)

It was the worst possible time for it, but Sara realised suddenly that this might be the last time they ever had a quiet evening like this, unless Jordan stayed. This was the last time they’d get to curl up under blankets on the couch and just talk, for hours on end, about their lives and their work and funny things they’d seen recently whilst walking around the city. The strange, slightly empty dinners and movie nights they’d been having over the past few weeks would become their reality, and they’d just be expected to get used to it.

The worst thing of all was that Sara knew when she had left for LA, she’d left her friends far worse off than Jordan and Ava might be about to. This feeling, the heaviness in her chest and the pangs of loneliness and emptiness that sometimes appeared when she dared let herself wonder what life would be like in Star City without Ava and Jordan in it … that had been everyone else’s reality, for _ years _.

She watched as Jordan took a long swig of her drink, and then set it down on the coffee table. 

“Ava’s not sure about leaving though,” Jordan continued, half talking to Sara, half just thinking aloud. Sara hated the way her heart soared, but she was powerless to stop it because the idea of Jordan staying here, of _ Ava _ staying here … it was all she needed. It was what she wanted, more than anything, what she found herself craving more and more as each day went by. But before she could let her thoughts drift the tone and the tumultuous disappointment in Jordan’s eyes made her heart fall as quickly as it had risen. “She’d lose her job. And her home. And you guys - her family. I can’t ask her to give that all up, not for me.”

Sara hadn’t noticed when her heart had lodged itself in her throat, but she could feel it there now. 

The air seemed to have thickened, and she didn’t like it. There was a question on the tip of her tongue, and if it hadn’t been for the alcohol she wouldn’t have asked - she didn’t _ want _ to ask. And yet now it was on her mind, she couldn’t help herself. 

“Whatever you and Ava decide to do,” she started hesitantly, knowing Jordan was listening despite how her words seemed to fade into the dimly lit, silent apartment. “You’re gonna do it together, right?”

The silence lasted a beat too long.

“Yeah,” Jordan said, but her voice was less than convincing, and Sara immediately found herself wanting to take the question back. She didn’t want to be a part of this, not when her own feelings about the situation were so close to the surface. (She almost laughed, a little bitterly. It was too late - far, far too late. She’d gotten involved in it the moment she had walked into a supermarket in an area of town she should have known to avoid and bumped into Ava, who plastered a fake smile on her face as she politely, yet carefully introduced her to her fiancée). 

Jordan paused, breath hanging in the air, whatever it was she was about to say caught in her throat, too big of a risk to say out loud. Sara swallowed, letting her eyes scan over Jordan’s expression. “What is it?” she asked softly, and Jordan blinked, eyes fixed on her glass of wine, fingers anxiously tapping against each other. 

She looked more uncertain than Sara had ever seen her, but she didn’t point it out. Jordan’s throat bobbed, words wavering, fractured, barely holding together because they shouldn’t have had to be uttered at all. “Unless… unless this just isn’t meant to be.”

* * *

** _June, 2014: _ **

_ There was only a handful of things Sara needed from here. To drop her key off. Pick up one more box of stuff that Ray had missed when he’d grabbed the rest of her things the other week. Sign the bond release papers for her landlord. Leave a note for Ava. _

_ It was a Tuesday, it was 11am, and Sara knew Ava would be at work so there was no risk of running into her. If Sara was a better person, she would have the courage to message Ava, to come over one a day and time when she _ ** _would _ ** _ be home, to give her the goodbye Ava deserved after everything they’d been through together. But they hadn’t been _ ** _them _ ** _ for so long that the simmering frustration was just constantly there, and Sara didn’t want to risk yet another fight. Besides, even if they didn’t fight, Sara didn’t trust herself not to crumble, to give in and stay because of how much she missed Ava’s voice, her hugs, her smell. _

_ Sara had to leave. For how long, she didn’t know yet, but there was no question about it. Her staying in Star City wasn’t helping anybody, especially her and Ava. _

_ With a quiet, shaky exhale, Sara eased the front door shut behind her. “Just in and out,” she murmured. “Literally five minutes.” _

_ Drop her key off. Pick up her box of stuff. Bond papers. Goodbye note. _

_ In and out. _

_ Five minutes. _

_ There was a sudden flash of movement from the kitchen, and Sara’s entire body went cold. She curled her fingers into a fist and the cool, metal edges of her key dug into her palm. It wouldn’t be - Ava was at _ ** _work _ ** _ \- _

_ “Sara?” _

_ Fuck. _

_ “Hi,” said Sara, feeling the bubbling, unbearable, burn of anxiety spread from her chest through the rest of her body, making her fingers jittery and her knees feel a little weak and her head spin a little. She hadn’t prepared for this. She hadn’t even _ ** _seen _ ** _ Ava in almost two weeks, and Sara had resigned herself to accepting her own selfishness that she was prepared to leave for LA _ ** _without _ ** _ seeing Ava again. _

_ Except now here she was, standing in what had once been their kitchen, in that extravagantly priced SCU hoodie Sara had bought her when they first started dating, eyes wide and stunned at the sight of Sara standing there. There was a steaming mug of coffee on the counter - the same counter where Sara had always sat sleepily while Ava had made them coffee on too early mornings, mornings where Sara would sit on the cool marble, tug Ava towards her, wrap her legs around Ava’s middle and drag her into a sleepy good morning kiss that always felt like home. _

_ “What are you doing here?” asked Ava, and Sara could literally see the walls go up, the soft surprise vanish from her voice and replaced with something hard and cautious. _

_ Sara could feel herself ready to put her own walls between her and Ava, to be cool and elusive so that this hurt less. But the little voice in her head couldn’t stop reminding her that this was probably it - the last time she was gonna see Ava in she didn’t even know how long - and with every ounce of restraint she had, she took a step forward and quietly said “I wanted to tie up loose ends with moving out. And … and say goodbye.” _

_ Something shifted in Ava’s eyes - a mixture of dread and shock, pain and hesitance and longing. “Amaya mentioned you were thinking of taking a trip to LA.” _

_ Sara bit her lip, blinking sharply. “Not … not a trip. I’m moving.” _

_ “Moving?” echoed Ava. “Like - permanently?” _

_ Sara nodded. “For the foreseeable future.” _

_ “But - you have plans here,” said Ava, frowning. “You got into the History Masters programme! And your job at the museum -” _

_ “I know,” interrupted Sara, feeling a desperation building inside her, a need for Ava to _ ** _stop _ ** _ telling her these things, stop reminding her of all the reasons Sara had to stay. “I can still do all those things if I want to come back. I just gotta get out of here for a while.” _

_ Ava didn’t reply for a second. “Okay,” she said. “Well. Help yourself to whatever you need. I think most of your stuff is in the closet.” She turned away, her fingers curling around her mug of coffee and clutching it so tightly that Sara was afraid it would shatter. There was a part of her that craved going over there, comforting Ava in the way Sara knew so well how to do, but her right to do that had vanished several weeks ago. Or maybe, it had vanished now, after reluctantly admitting that she was running away and even Ava couldn’t stop her. _

_ Sara threw everything she thought she needed into a box haphazardly, much more so than she would have had she been alone in the apartment. She’d withdrawn her claim on this apartment, and now it was Ava’s space. She was probably (definitely) forgetting stuff in her rushed assembling of items, but Sara felt suffocated by this place now, by the knowledge that Ava was right there - across the apartment - and that this was _ ** _it _ ** _ it, and Sara’s emotions had been on some kind of hyperdrive whirlwind for weeks and she had no idea how to process any of this. _

_ She wanted to either be in L.A. right now - on the opposite side of the country far away from this place and these people and starting brand new where she could just _ ** _pretend _ ** _ for a little while, or she wanted to step back into before - into Ava’s arms, her lips, the taste of her too sweet coffee, their bed with the soft sheets and linen quilt, just being in their apartment sliding across newly polished wooden floorboards in thick fuzzy socks. Just one or the other. Why couldn’t it be one or the other? This in between was agonising. _

_ Sara found herself back at the front door. Ava wasn’t in the kitchen anymore. Sara kind of wished she was in the shower or something so she could just leave, but she knew if there was any way to make things worse, that would be it. _

_ “Ava?” she called tentatively. _

_ Footsteps echoed and Sara glanced over her shoulder to see Ava emerge from down the hall leading to the bathroom. She seemed just as unsure, just as hesitant as she walked over, fingers playing with the sleeves of her hoodie and teeth worrying her bottom lip. They both stood in silence for what felt like an eternity. _

_ What did you say here? _

_ At the end of a two and a half year relationship, the best relationship Sara had ever had. At the end of two and a half years of love, and then the last however many months of fighting, at the end of college and the start of adulthood, in what had once been their home. _

_ Was it easier to say nothing? Maybe. But Sara was pretty sure that wasn’t an option. _

_ “Travel safe,” said Ava, finally breaking the silence. Her voice sounded hoarse. “To L.A., I mean.” _

_ “Yeah,” said Sara, nodding. “I will. Look after yourself.” _

_ “You too.” _

_ There was a second - the briefest pause, where Sara could easily have curled her fingers around the door handle, tugged the door open, shoved her box of crap through it and let that be it. But it was almost as though she could physically see those layers of walls between them crumble instantaneously, and the facade fell. _

_ “I’m gonna miss you,” said Ava, the moment that second had passed, and Sara’s heart twisted and sank into her stomach. “I _ ** _do _ ** _ miss you.” _

_ “Ava, don’t -” begged Sara, her voice cracking. “I can’t.” _

_ “I know this is the right thing,” said Ava quickly, hand coming up to wipe her eyes. “I know that we weren’t working and that at the moment, being together isn’t what either of us need.” _

_ Sara still hated those words and that explanation, regardless of how true she knew it was. She couldn’t speak, so she just nodded. _

_ “I just don’t know how to not be with you,” said Ava with a helpless shrug. “I don’t even know how to comprehend the fact that you’re moving across the country. I just - I don’t -” _

_ Sara didn’t mean to. She knew it was a bad idea _ ** _as _ ** _ she was doing it. But suddenly the thought that she couldn’t remember the last time she’d kissed Ava (which said a lot about the state of their relationship) had taken root in her head and the idea of leaving, of going to L.A. and saying goodbye right now and leaving Ava and this apartment and this life and this relationship without knowing or remembering the last time she and Ava had kissed left a bitter taste in Sara’s mouth, along with an aching pit of regret in her stomach and she couldn’t bear it, couldn’t bring herself to walk out that door without a clear memory of what it felt like to have Ava Sharpe’s lips on hers and before any sense of logic or reason could convince her otherwise, Sara stepped forward, curled her fingers into Ava’s hoodie and tugged, slinking onto her toes to kiss Ava with every breath, every ounce of energy, _ ** _everything _ ** _ Sara had. _

_ (Ava didn’t hesitate, didn’t even let a beat pass before her hands were on Sara’s waist and her lips were soft under Sara’s and it was like they were in an inbetween of their inbetween, a little pocket of time where Sara wasn’t moving to L.A. and they hadn’t broken up, where their whole relationship wasn’t being packed up into boxes and an almost empty apartment, where moving on wasn’t just around the corner.) _

_ The last time Sara kissed Ava was against the door of their apartment, and Ava tasted like coffee and maple and vanilla creamer and salt, but Sara didn’t know if that was from her tears or Ava’s. _

_ Two days later Sara was on a flight to L.A., and their apartment was signed over to new tenants. _

  
  


* * *

** _June, 2020:_ **

Sara stared at the still steaming, still swirling liquid in the mug on the kitchen counter in front of her. Four in the morning was not the time to be drinking a cup of coffee but between far too many extra shifts at _ Verdant _, late nights marking with Nate, and endless more sleepless ones agonising over the idea of Jordan and Ava leaving, Sara was pretty sure any sleep routine she had was fucked anyway. 

Besides. She’d never been good at sleeping properly if she was sharing a bed. 

“Never thought I’d say this,” said John, leaning against the kitchen counter beside her, his own mug of coffee in his hands, “but I think we need to call it quits on this friends with benefits thing.” 

“What?” said Sara, head jerking up with surprise. “Why?” 

“Not that I’m not flattered that you’d miss me so much,” smirked John and Sara swatted him. “But your heart isn’t in this, Sara.” 

“My _ heart _was never in it John,” said Sara with a roll of her eyes. 

John shook his head, taking a long sip of coffee. “That’s not what I mean,” he said. “This whole arrangement we have is fine when both of us just need a good lay. But we agreed this time that we weren’t gonna do this to be emotionally fucked and repressive. We were trying to be more mature than that, remember?” 

“Clearly we were kidding ourselves,” muttered Sara and John gave her a _ look. _

“Who is it?” he asked, carefully placing his mug down on the counter and turning to face Sara properly. “This person you’re hung up over?” 

Sara had to put her mug down beside his so she didn’t accidentally crack the handle with her death grip. She hated how easily John could see through her - he always had been able to read her like an open book - but unlike the version of her from all those years ago, this time, a part of her was grateful too. She couldn’t talk about this to anybody else about this because the looks of shock, judgement, and _ pity _that she knew she would receive were even worse than this whole situation was in the first place. John though… he didn’t have much time for pity.

“Ava,” she said, and the name almost burned as it rolled off her tongue. She felt a little sick. She hadn’t admitted this aloud yet. “It’s … it’s Ava.” 

“Is she still with -” 

“Jordan? Well that’s a million dollar question.” 

John arched a curious eyebrow and Sara sighed, hanging her head, glad for the way her hair fell over her shoulders to hide her face. Having this conversation was enough - she didn’t need to feel even more vulnerable. 

“Jordan’s been offered a job in London,” she explained and she saw John straighten a little out of the corner of her eye. 

“So Ava’s moving to London,” he started, but Sara shook her head. 

“She doesn’t want to move.” She paused, hating how much relief those words brought her. Jordan and Ava were _ perfect _ together, and she couldn’t believe that there was a part of her that felt relieved that the two of them didn’t want the same things right now. “That makes it sound more selfish than it is - Ava would lose _ everything _ in terms of her job if she moved to London. But this promotion is everything Jordan’s wanted for like, a decade. They’ve been trying to find a compromise for almost almost a month and a half. I think … I think they’re starting to think about whether there _ isn’t _a compromise here.” 

“Christ,” said John with a low whistle. “That’s rough.” 

Sara ran her fingers through her hair. “Yeah. And they’re two of my best friends in the world - I _ want _ them to make it work. But also, here I am with this fucked up little hope that maybe it won’t, all because I’m falling for Ava again. What the hell kind of person does that make me, John? At least before, it didn’t matter if I had feelings for her because she and Jordan were solid and I could - I could just _ know _that and I would’ve eventually gotten over her.” 

“Now, there’s a chance,” said John with a small nod, and Sara was infinitely grateful that she’d chosen to share this with someone who wouldn’t offer an unhelpful opinion, but would instead help her sort through the facts. “Even if you don’t want there to be.” 

“Yeah,” Sara said, voice cracking. “What do I do with that?” 

John gave her a gentle, sympathetic smile. “I don’t think there’s an easy answer to that, love.” 

Sara ran her hand through her hair again, fingers catching on the knots she hadn’t brushed out. The only thing she could do was wait, and they both knew it - but John thankfully decided not to point that out. They were both the type of person who wanted answers to their problems, and immediate solutions that would make things better in the moment, often with no regard for how things would pan out in the long run. She was trying to change, though. She glanced over to John, who was watching her with a careful expression, not bothering to hide his concern. 

Perhaps he was changing too. 

“You can’t run away from this one,” he said quietly after a long pause, picking the conversation back up from where they had left off. 

She shook her head. “I’m not going to.”

No matter what decision they came to, running wasn’t an option. Not anymore.

John made a vague sound of agreement, and Sara chose not to question it. She didn’t know what the best option was here, but the easiest one - the one where Jordan and Ava stayed together, and stayed here - felt as though it was getting further and further out of reach as each day passed. She didn’t know whether she could explain the feeling that that brought with it to John - some sinking entanglement of elation and nausea, joy and sadness, hope and crushing despair. He didn’t ask though. He didn’t tell her to elaborate or try to persuade her to talk. He didn’t suggest a way out, or offer her something to take her mind off it all. 

Instead he simply waited until she looked up and caught his eye. “Let me know when you find out what’s happening,” he said softly, that gentle concern from earlier reappearing. 

Sara nodded. And as she stood in John’s dimly lit kitchen drinking what remained of her now lukewarm coffee, she inexplicably felt as though a little of the weight on her shoulders had been lifted. No matter what happened, she would adjust.

Hopefully.

* * *

_ Jordan Haverstock _ _   
_ _   
_ ** _iMessage_ ** ** _  
_ ** (Sara Lance)   
**Wednesday**

**  
** ** _11:03pm:_ ** ** _  
_ **I’m taking the job.

Sara should have been asleep. She had a 9am meeting at SCU in the morning, and had already worked a double shift at _ Verdant _today because half the staff were out with the flu. But tonight had been a rare occasion when Laurel was awake and free and with how much in Star City felt like it was going through a never ending series of turbulence, Sara had jumped at the opportunity to facetime her sister. 

Except now, it meant she was awake to see this. The text she had been dreading since April. She supposed that it was better to see it now than when she woke up and had to then sit through a two hour end of year department meeting thinking about it. She didn’t know if she was just stunned or genuinely nauseous or if she was having a panic attack or if the disbelief and exhaustion were all just hitting her in one enormous punch to the gut, but Sara found herself clutching her phone so tightly she was afraid she was gonna break it. 

There were so many things she knew she should ask. 

_ Are you okay? _

_ I’m so sorry but also congratulations. _

_ I think it’ll be okay in the long run. _

_ I’m proud of you. _

_ When are you going? _

But the only thing in Sara’s mind was that stupid, unbelievably selfish question, the answer of which she was so terrified by that she could feel the words growing thick and heavy in her throat, in her chest, suffocating and unbearable, weighing down more and more with every second that passed. 

Sara had lived the last five years of her life perfectly fine without Ava Sharpe (and hell, nineteen years before that too). She would be more than capable of doing it again. But the thought of it, any attempt of pulling Ava from the Star City in her mind left this huge, empty black hole of grief and longing and it seemed so impossible to fathom that Sara wanted to scream. 

Her phone buzzed. It took every ounce of Sara’s being to look at it rather than fling it out the window. 

_ Jordan Haverstock _ _   
_ _   
_ ** _iMessage_ ** ** _  
_ ** (Sara Lance)   
**Wednesday**

**  
** ** _11:11pm:_ ** ** _  
_ **Ava’s staying.

* * *

** _Messenger_ ** ** _  
_ **(Sara Lance)

Zari, Nate, Nora and 5 others  
_ Active now _

_ THURS 8:02AM: _

_   
_ _ Nate created the group. _

_   
_ ** _Nate:_ ** ** _  
_ **Guys

  
** _Zari:_ ** ** _  
_ **I know

  
** _Wally:_ ** ** _  
_ ** i don’t know what i expected to   
happen but i never thought they   
wouldn’t stay together????

  
** _Nora:_ ** ** _  
_ ** So it’s confirmed?? They’re breaking   
up??? 

  
** _Amaya:_ ** ** _  
_ **Yeah they are. Ava called me this morning

Neither of them think they would be able  
to do a long distance relationship, especially   
bc at the end of the day Jordan still wants to   
move to London and Ava still wants to stay.

  
** _Mick:_ ** ** _  
_ **Jesus that’s rough

  
** _Zari:_ ** ** _  
_ **I can’t believe that’s it

Like, yes they’ve been trying to figure this  
out for like, two months but it feels like this   
happened so suddenly 

  
** _Nate:_ ** ** _  
_ **I can’t believe Jordan’s leaving

  
** _Wally:_ ** ** _  
_ **i can’t believe they’re not getting married

  
_ Seen by: everyone. _

* * *

“Hey,” Ava said softly, appearing behind her as she packed up her notes, ready to leave the university for the evening. A hint of red remained around Ava’s eyes, but if Sara hadn’t seen this before, she might not have noticed anything was wrong. Her heart twisted, a familiar, yet distant pain making itself known.

“Hey.” Sara turned, pushing her bag aside, for a moment and leaning back against her desk, giving Ava her full attention. She was smiling, at least. A small, fragile, barely there smile – but a beautiful one nonetheless.

Ava’s eyes searched her face for a moment, before her lips twitched, a little too much of her heart bleeding out into the conversation. “Did Jordan tell you?” she asked, barely a question. Sara didn’t have to respond; it wasn’t something that needed answering. She’d never lied to either of them, about being in the middle of this - both Ava and Jordan had known that she’d become their intermediate, and neither of them minded. It wasn’t as though this was a messy, hateful break up. It was simply life getting in the way of whatever they could have had – something Sara knew about, intimately. After a moment, Sara nodded, but Ava’s fragile smile remained. “Of course she did – you’re friends.”

Sara didn’t respond to that either.

Ava looked down to the ground, avoiding Sara’s eyes, and Sara’s heart ached for her. This was the second time she’d given her heart away, and the second time she’d had it returned to her, and none of this was her fault. None of it was Jordan’s fault either, and in a way hearing both sides of this story hurt more. There were no sides to take, no one was wrong, there was no blame to pass around. Ava had to stay, and Jordan had to go.

“Are you okay?” Sara asked carefully, taking a step closer to Ava, but still making sure to give her space. Ava looked up, eyes tired and swimming with emotions, verging on defeated. She paused, and seemed to weigh up Sara’s question for a moment.

“Yeah,” she eventually answered, and Sara’s heart twisted a little more. “Yes. I am.”

Defeated had been the wrong word. Ava didn’t look defeated – she just looked like someone who had accepted, a long time ago, that the people she loved weren’t always going to stick around forever. She looked like she had accepted that life was complicated, and that love was complicated, and that things were never as one sided as they seemed. The corner of her lips twitched up into a wry smile. “I do have some experience in this area.”

This time it was Sara’s turn to smile, a soft, unexpected laugh slipping from her lips. Ava met her eyes, the history between them for once feeling comforting, because it meant that they were both on the same page, their past enabling Ava to be as honest as she wanted, because she knew Sara would understand. Ava swallowed, and then carefully continued “I’d like to know if Jordan’s okay. She said she was, but...”

Sara smiled. “She’s doing much better than I did after we broke up,” she joked, almost making Ava laugh too. She still looked sad though, so Sara took a step closer. “She’ll be okay, Ava.”

Ava didn’t believe her, and Sara could feel her guilt spreading out into the office. She’d do anything to stop it, to make sure Ava never had to feel this way again. “You’re a good person, and this isn’t your fault. Trust me. She’ll be alright. And… for what it’s worth, I think you left her better off than when you found her.”

“You can’t know that,” Ava said quietly, and Sara shook her head.

“I do.”

The melancholy look from earlier had returned to Ava’s eyes, and she seemed desperate for some kind of reassurance. “I do,” Sara repeated, and this time Ava looked up. “She’s better for having known you. I know, because I’ve been there.”

She’d been the one whose life was changed irreversibly the moment Ava Sharpe walked into it. She’d been the one who learnt to love, who learnt to be vulnerable and to share herself with someone else and to risk losing the stability she had just to make someone else smile. And she’d been the one who walked away, too, heartbroken. She wouldn’t take a second of it back, no matter how much it had hurt to lose it – getting the chance to date Ava has been one of the best things she’d ever been given, and she was grateful for it more often than she wasn’t. It had made her who she was today.

For the first time since she had walked into the office, Ava looked as if she was on the verge of tears – grateful tears, tears for the people she had lost, and the love she still had, and the lives she kept dreaming of before they were taken away from her.

_ She’ll love you forever _, Sara wanted to reassure her, but bit her tongue instead. “Come on,” she said softly, pulling on her coat and then reaching for her bag, holding out a hand to Ava. “We’ll go watch a movie.”

Ava exhaled shakily, blinking back her tears and attempting to pull herself together.

“You’ll be okay too,” Sara promised her, the stitches holding her heart together starting to fray. Ava nodded, and Sara found herself infinitely grateful that she had come back to Star City after all, because if nothing else she could be an example; an example that proved it was possible to pick up the pieces of a broken relationship, and find a way to move on.

* * *

** _July, 2020:_ **

She’d been expecting the knock on her door all morning, but it still made her freeze up, hands gripping the handle of her mug tight enough that her knuckles threatened to turn white. She wasn’t ready.

No one was ready.

It was too early, things were too twisted and complicated, and on top of losing one of her closest friends Jordan leaving meant Sara would have an open space to explore these _ feelings _ and she didn’t want that, not at all, not now. Couldn’t Jordan stay a little longer? Just to give them all a little more time with her in their lives so they could pretend everything was still normal and no hearts were being broken and the wedding was still on?

(Not that she wanted _ that _ , except she did, she wanted Ava to be happy and she wanted Jordan to be happy and she wanted to be a bridesmaid at their perfectly planned fairytale wedding. She wanted it _ badly _. She wanted things to stop feeling off and go back to the normal, everyday life they’d become accustomed to.)

Sara took a shaky breath and went to open the door, telling herself to pull herself together and then letting Jordan in. Her eyes were immediately drawn to Jordan’s two large ‘I’m leaving and taking everything I own’ suitcases and Jordan watched her, more than a little melancholy. She was dressed for a huge length of long-haul travel, moving across the world - hair loosely plaited into a French braid, few little makeup, gym tights, comfy trainers, a loose t-shirt and a hoodie draped across one suitcase. Sara had seen Jordan like this countless times - after the gym, on weekends, days off, mornings after a night out. But it felt different today. It _ was _different today. 

They had known Jordan was leaving for a while now, but it didn’t make the ache in Sara’s chest any less painful. 

She wanted Jordan to stay here. Sure, she had been the one who left last time, but now she was on this side of events the last thing she wanted was to see her friend fly off to the other side of the world and have no idea when or if she would ever be back.

Sara sighed, leaning against the doorframe. “How was saying goodbye to Ava?”

It was probably a question she should have left unasked, (or at least not led with), because the last thing she wanted was to see Jordan’s tentative, barely intact smile slip from her face. And yet, she couldn’t help it. She desperately wanted both Jordan and Ava to be okay, but if that wasn’t possible then she wanted to at least be informed, so she could see how to help. 

_ If _ she could help.

She couldn’t fix this, she repeated to herself, because there was nothing that needed fixing.

Jordan’s sigh matched hers, and she fiddled with the keys in her hand. “It was easier than I expected,” she admitted, “partly because we’ve been leading up to this for weeks, and we both know it’s the best choice we can make. We’ve had a lot of little goodbyes. But… yeah, it hurt, and it’s worse because I know how much I’m hurting her, and she doesn’t have a dream job or a new exciting opportunity to soften the blow.”

“She’s got us,” Sara said quietly, reaching out to take Jordan’s hand and give it a light squeeze.

Jordan ran one hand through her hair. “Honestly Sara, I don’t know how you did this. I’ve been friends with these guys for less time than you had when you left but leaving them all behind feels like I’m leaving a part of me here too.”

“You’ll find new friends in London,” Sara promised, attempting to reassure her. “You’ll meet some amazing people and have all sorts of wonderful experiences. And you better call me and tell me everything. The mistake I made was cutting everyone out of my life, and I shouldn’t have done it - I needed them to keep me level and make sure I didn’t mess things up and remind me to breathe and to think straight when I couldn’t. You’re not going to do that though, because you’re leaving on good terms and besides, we’re not going to let you. _ I’m _ not going to let you.”

Jordan hummed a vague agreement, and Sara smiled. “I wish you would have let us throw a leaving party for you,” she said quietly, trying her hardest to keep the sadness out of her voice. She wanted Jordan to know how much they would all miss her. It was too late now, but she wished they could have given Jordan a send off that she could think back on with a smile and know that she was loved and valued by them all. She didn’t want Jordan to ever wonder whether they cared about her.

All of her clouded memories of her first few days, weeks, and months of LA - the miserable days, the lonely nights, the wondering whether she’d made a mistake she couldn’t come back from - weren’t memories she wanted Jordan to deal with.

Jordan shook her head with a small smile. “No, I’m bad enough at goodbyes as it is. Saying bye to you all individually was a much better idea - except, now I’m here because I left you till last and I still don’t know what I’m supposed to say.”

Sara shook her head fondly. “You don’t have to say anything,” she tried to tell Jordan, but Jordan didn’t let her finish.

“No. I do. Because … honestly, when I first found out about your history with Ava I was a little wary. I tried my hardest not to let you see that because you needed all the friends you could get and I knew I didn’t understand the complexities of what happened between you, and between you and the rest of this group. But I was still uncertain, and that’s not a place I would ever have expected a friendship to grow out of … but a year later, we’re here. There’s something about you, Sara. You draw people in and make their lives that little bit brighter.” 

Sara looked away, feeling the colour rise to her cheeks as she shifted her weight uncomfortably. “Jordan -” 

“Hey, I’m the one leaving,” said Jordan and Sara’s stomach jolted at the crack in her voice, the tears in the corners of her eyes. “I get to do the big speech, okay?” 

Sara tried to swallow the lump in her throat. “Okay.” 

Jordan leaned against one of her enormous suitcases, her smile sad and reminiscent. “You’ve found a place here again,” she said softly, “a _ home. _ And I’m so proud of you for that. Even if I’m not here, I don’t want you to forget any of that. _ You _ did that for yourself Sara, and you belong here, even on the days you feel like you don’t. I didn’t know you guys in college, so I couldn’t see that something was _ missing _when I started dating Ava and became friends with everybody else - not until you came back. I’ve seen the way everyone has changed in the past year - they’re happier and closer, like they’ve all let out this huge breath they were holding the entire time you were away. You’re so important to everyone, and you deserve every single bit of this happiness because you give it to everyone else. I can see it.” 

Sara blinked quickly, giving Jordan a weak shove. “Fuck off. I’m already gonna cry, you’re not allowed to make it worse.” 

“I can and I will,” said Jordan, grinning through her tears. She caught Sara’s hand and squeezed tightly. “Please look after yourself, okay?” 

“I will,” promised Sara. 

“And -” Jordan sucked in a sharp, shaky breath. “And look after Ava too.” 

Sara’s own breath caught in her throat and she felt an overwhelming ache in her chest. “I will,” she said again, quieter this time. 

Something in Jordan’s eyes flickered, and there was a long, pregnant pause before her expression softened to a confounding mixture knowing and resigned and a little smug and amused. 

“What?” said Sara uneasily, narrowing her eyes. 

“Don’t just look after Ava as her friend,” said Jordan, her voice the most confident and steady that it had been since Sara had first opened the door. “I know how you feel about her. And … when she’s not still broken about this, when things are okay for her again, when the time is right - _ be there _for her.” 

Sara’s jaw dropped, shell shocked gaze fixed on Jordan. She didn’t know why she wasn’t panicking, but she wasn’t. Maybe it was because it was Jordan. Maybe it was because Jordan was leaving. 

Or maybe it was because someone had finally _ said _ it, said something that reassured Sara that she wasn’t a bad person for having feelings for Ava again, and more than that - had told her that she could act on them. Had _ permission _to act on them, from the one person who Sara had been terrified would finally decide this was what would make her dislike Sara after everything. 

“Jordan, how -” was all Sara could manage to say. 

“We’re basically the only two people in the world who know exactly what it’s like to be in love with Ava Sharpe,” said Jordan, nudging Sara with a tearful but wide and genuine grin. “We get it.” 

Sara shook her head. “I thought you’d hate me.” 

“Sara, no,” said Jordan, the joking expression on her face vanishing instantly. “I could never hate you. I knew you weren’t exactly going to be trying to steal Ava from me. And you did _ so much _to try and help us figure out what to do with this whole promotion shit, none of which could have been easy for you. And … honestly? You’re the one person in the world I would be happy to see Ava move on with because you’re the one person I can think of who deserves her.” 

Sara couldn’t speak. Instead, she just stepped forward and hugged Jordan with absolutely everything she had. And as Jordan hugged back just as tightly, as Sara felt the tears from Jordan’s cheeks against her neck, she realised that even with how she felt about Ava, there wasn’t a single bone in her body that wanted Jordan to leave. 

“I’m gonna miss you like hell Jordan,” she whispered. 

Jordan let out a broken sigh, clutching Sara just that little bit tighter. “I’m gonna miss you too.”


	17. hearts will break (for future's sake)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "“Did you do this when I left?” Sara asked, looking around at the photos Ava was carefully rearranging on the bed, ready to pin them to the corkboard on the wall. It had been two days since Ava had moved in, but the apartment was still sparsely decorated, most of Ava’s belongings sitting in unopened boxes on the floor. Sara couldn’t help but think that it looked odd and empty without Jordan. 
> 
> Maybe, once, Ava had thought the same thing about her too."
> 
> OR
> 
> the aftermath of jordan leaving.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi again! 
> 
> well. if we said everything had changed in a week last chapter, we had no idea what was about to come. this week has felt like a year - at least for me (chim), and i'm sure for rach too. both of our countries are officially on lockdown for the foreseeable future, and the last few days have been a really weird haze of government announcements, friends and flatmates rushing off to book flights and get home, attempting grocery shopping and realising it's gonna be a long 4 weeks (if not more) of not seeing my family or anyone else sans my one flatmate i'm thankful to be in lockdown with. we haven't actually finished the chapter we were writing this week because of all this chaos but we could see how much so many of you guys needed a new chapter last week to get through all this insanity and especially with no legends on for who even knows how long, we wanted to put this one up anyway. 
> 
> it's a bit of an angsty one after saying goodbye to jordan, but we of course wanted to do her justice and not just write her off and pretend she never existed. thank you so much for your wonderful comments about her and the goodbye! we love her so much and it meant the world to us that you guys had as much trouble parting with her as we did!! being able to share all of this with you guys is possibly one of the very few positive things that are keeping us happy and motivated during the week and we are so grateful to have this fic as something to work on when everything else is just nuts. also, we've hit our absolute favourite part of the fic and the upcoming chapters are just. !! so good. we're very excited, can u tell 
> 
> ANYWAY 
> 
> new week new chapter, as always, please enjoy and please let us know what u think! comments on here, twitter @'s and dm's - we are super sorry if we don't reply to them, we promise we read them (like, a million times), we're trying to stay off social media for the most part other than interacting with people abt legends and this fic XX 
> 
> chapter title is from end of an era by mariana's trench!

** _July, 2020:_ **

“Why didn’t you want to move with Jordan?” 

Ava’s head snapped up in surprise and it occurred to Sara half a second too late that not only did Ava probably (definitely) not want to talk about this so soon after breaking up with Jordan, but also that Sara was probably the last person she  _ would  _ want to talk about it with, given the uncomfortable similarities the situation had to their own break up. When she had moved, she’d probably left Ava sitting on the floor of an empty apartment too, wondering what to do with herself. 

“Sorry,” said Sara immediately. “You can ignore that. It’s too early, the filter in my brain hasn’t kicked in yet.” 

Ava shook her head, an unexpected smile crossing her face. “No, it’s okay. You’re … you’re fine.” She didn’t add anything, and Sara figured that she was deciding to let the question slip into the grey area of the conversation. Hell, the fact that they’d reached a point where Sara’s thoughtless question could never ever spark a fight or any kind of mild disagreement between them was enough for Sara to turn her attention back to the email Nate had sent her outlining an available research position in the SCU history department. Except a moment later, Ava quietly said, “I couldn’t leave.” 

Sara looked up. “Ava,” she started, “you don’t have to -” 

“I know,” said Ava, curling her hands around her coffee cup. She was sitting on the floor, packing the last of her books into boxes. She could have stayed here - her and Jordan’s lease was up, but the landlord  _ had _ asked if they wanted to renew the contract and Ava did have the money to stay, even if she was the only one paying the rent. But whilst the spacious, tastefully decorated apartment was perfect for movie nights and group dinners, it was too big to live in alone, and Ava had wanted to find somewhere else to move into.

Sara and the others were all due to come over and help Ava drive her stuff to her new place, but she’d gotten there early and apparently everybody else was running late or had slept in, so she was now sitting on Ava’s sofa, trying not to fall asleep given that it was barely 7am. She’d offered to help finish packing, but Ava barely had anything to do and she knew her own system far better than Sara could attempt to. It was better that she was here though, instead of leaving Ava to do this herself. She didn’t want her to be alone.

Ava sighed, tracing the edges of a worn hardcover copy of  _ Pride and Prejudice.  _ “Nowhere was ever home before Star City. And even then, when I first moved here I felt like I was trying to fit somewhere that didn’t have a place for me.” 

Sara’s eyes flickered down to her phone uncomfortably. 

“Until you,” said Ava, her voice a little quieter, and Sara couldn’t help but jerk her head back up. “When … when we started dating Sara, suddenly Star City became my home. And you and your friends were everything I had ever wanted, everything I had never quite had like  _ that  _ where I grew up and I never, ever wanted to let that go. When things didn’t work between us, I was terrified all of it was going to slip away, and then you left and I waited for it to all disappear but it didn’t - after you and Z, nobody left, nobody stopped talking to me like I was expecting them to. Nothing faded away.” A clear, sad, sympathy appeared in her eyes. “I guess that must’ve been how it felt for you though, when you left.” 

Sara swallowed the lump in her throat, picking at a scratch along the side of her phone. “Yeah. A little.” (A lot.) 

“I built a life for myself here that I never thought I would have without you,” Ava said. “I … I couldn’t leave. Not even for Jordan.” 

“After all this time, surely you knew it wouldn’t  _ go  _ anywhere though,” said Sara, leaning forward a little. She had no idea why she was pushing Ava about this, especially advocating for her to  _ have  _ moved with Jordan when Ava changing her mind and moving to London was literally Sara’s worst nightmare right now. “Nate, Amaya, Wally - everyone, even me, you wouldn’t have just  _ lost  _ us Ava. Isn’t that the point of being an adult? Growing up and moving on but keeping all your people with you even from a million miles away? I mean, I’m not a prime example but that was my fault.” 

“It wasn’t like that,” said Ava, and Sara was impressed by how patient her voice was, even at her incessant questions. Ava bit her lip, tapping her mug with her thumb thoughtfully as she seemed to try to arrange the words properly in her head. “You know the way the clocktower in the city square looks in the evenings in October? With all the trees in all these gorgeous fall colours and the sun looks so golden and everything feels kinda frozen in that glow between 5 and 6 o clock?” 

Sara nodded. Of course she knew. 

“And,” said Ava, the softest, smallest smile crossing her face, “when you walk down 5th on the way to the university and there’s that whole trail of coffee shops and bakeries and you can smell the coffee and the fresh bread for a whole block before you go back to big skyscrapers and office buildings?” 

“Yeah,” said Sara quietly. “Best block in the city.” 

“Or the view from our old apartment,” said Ava, eyes darting down to avoid Sara’s but she couldn’t hide the fond, reminiscent look on her face. “That building next to ours where you could see all of the apartments because nobody ever closed their curtains and we’d sit on the floor with takeout and make up stories about the people who lived there.” A soft chuckle slipped past her lips. “Remember Nathan Baker in 4b?” 

“The one with the tragic past filled with hardship that he worked to forget to become a successful rock guitarist?” said Sara with a grin. 

“Yeah,” said Ava. “He ended up being a client with the company about a year ago. Turns out his real name is Tom Masters. He’s a pilot. His very alive parents are accountants.” 

Sara laughed, pulling one leg up to the couch to rest her chin on her knee. “Our version was better.” 

Ava shrugged with amused agreement. “It was that stuff,” she said, a sureness suddenly laced in her voice that hadn’t been there before. “It was the clocktower and the bakery block and the apartment next to ours and the coconut butterscotch slices from the organic grocers and walking past the ancient history museum everyday and even when I was still so, so sad trying to get over you, being so proud of knowing that you were a part of getting that museum open.” Ava ran her fingers through her hair. “I don’t know how else to explain it. It’s … it’s like Star City is a  _ part  _ of me, every corner, every street and place, and I want to see more of the world, I know one day I’ll feel like this place is in my bones enough that it’ll stay with me even if I leave, but I’m not there yet. And I couldn’t agree to move with Jordan no matter how much I loved her if my heart was just gonna be here. It wasn’t fair to her.” 

And suddenly, Sara realised. 

When she’d first moved back to Star City, she’d almost felt  _ more  _ heartbroken than when she left because everybody had moved on, and the part of her heart - the small, delicate, broken piece of herself - that she had left here to be protected was nowhere to be found. 

Except now - at the worst possible time - she knew, knew with a terrifying, heart aching certainty, that it hadn’t been lost. It hadn’t been forgotten or discarded or faded away as everybody moved on. 

_ Ava  _ had it. 

Ava had been the one keeping the part of Sara’s heart that belonged in this city safe this whole time. 

Ava had been the one holding onto the magic Sara had forced herself to forget to be able to bring herself to leave Star City. Ava had been remembering their secrets, their whispers and dreams and promises that Sara had tucked away in a box and pointedly tried to put behind her as she ran away to LA. Ava had stayed here, through the things that changed, the things that stayed the same, the people that came or left, or left and came back, or died, and Ava had kept that tiny little pocket of five years ago alive through it all and it was only now that Sara could see it. 

Ava had kept the memories of her favourite streets, her favourite buildings, her favourite  _ everything  _ safe. Ava had taken the Star City Sara loved, and let it become part of her too. A part of her that she didn’t ever want to lose - and was willing to give up everything else in order to hold on to.

Sara felt something in her heart stir, but before she had to force it away, a distraction came in the form of a knock on the door - Zari, Amaya and Ray finally arriving to help transport Ava’s boxes to her new apartment. Sara glanced at the time, surprised to see that it was only twenty past seven - she’d been here just half an hour. The time she’d spent with Ava recently felt infinite, neither of them ever growing tired of the pattern they had slipped into of quiet conversations, teasing stories, and warm, comfortable silence.

“Ready to go?” Zari asked, and Sara glanced back at Ava.

She seemed okay. This breakup had taken its toll - as any breakup did - and she’d had as many good days as bad days. But at least she and Jordan had thought things through carefully, and had taken as much time as they needed to realise that this option was the best option they had. They’d been thoughtful. They’d been kind, to each other and to themselves, and Jordan in particular had made every effort to ensure Ava would have the support she needed once she was gone. They’d made sure that even if things were bumpy, they would both be alright in the long run. 

Ava looked around the apartment, cataloguing memories in a way that made Sara’s heart ache because it was painfully, heartbreakingly familiar. 

“I’m ready,” she said quietly after a long pause, shooting Sara a small smile when she caught her eye. Sara returned it and then reached for the nearest box, passing it over to Ava so she could start making her way down to the car. 

Fresh starts were good, she attempted to convince herself. Fresh starts were a chance to find your feet again after you had stumbled on uneven ground. Her heart twisted in her chest and she paid no attention to it, following Ava down to the car and pointedly ignoring the way the early morning sunlight caught in her hair, gentle pink and orange hues dusting her skin, and making her look more beautiful than she should at this early hour. Sara exhaled slowly, pushing the thought out of her mind. Thinking things like this was exactly what she was  _ not  _ going to do. She was going to let Ava find her footing, and be there for her if she needed it, and hope that these feelings went away before she had the chance to mull on what Jordan had been trying to tell her when they’d said goodbye. 

Ava needed time, and Sara was going to ensure she got it.

And if that involved her fighting every feeling she had, that was what she would have to do. 

* * *

** _May, 2014:_ **

_ Sara glanced around the apartment. She’d only meant to stay on Zari’s couch for a week or so, but that week had stretched into two, and now nearly three, and she’d had to come back to get a few things - she’d finally run out of clothes and needed to collect some important paperwork for the museum. She’d deliberately picked a time when she knew Ava would be at work, but even so, she couldn’t stop herself from expecting to see her round a corner, cooking in the kitchen or sitting on the bed, leaning against the headboard with a book in hand and her reading glasses perched on her nose. It had been a while since their lives had been that effortless, but that didn’t stop her from remembering it, even if it did sting because she’d started to lose hope that they would ever get the life they used to have together back. They hadn’t had that conversation yet though. Right now, they were giving each other space, trying to catch their breath and re-evaluate their feelings before moving forward. _

_ Sara’s headphones were lying on the counter, tangled and unused. They looked out of place - before, Ava would have tidied them away, wrapping them up neatly and placing them on her bedside table, or passing them back to her with an affectionate, teasing smile, and a fond comment about her losing them one day. She hadn’t realised she’d left them here, she realised with a jolt. Just like all of the other things she hadn’t realised were tied to this apartment before accidentally temporarily moving out.  _

_ Her heart, for example.  _

_ She took a shaky breath, firmly told herself to get it together, and walked over to the wardrobe to find the jacket she’d spent the last few weeks wanting to wear. It was just a building. She shouldn’t have such a sentimental attachment to this place - it was just four walls, when it came down to it. Four walls that somehow managed to contain more important memories than anywhere else ever had, four walls in which she had loved and lived and learnt how beautiful life could be, when she was willing to open up her heart.  _

_ She ran her hand down Ava’s suit blazer, hung neatly in the wardrobe beside her jacket. It felt like longer than a few weeks ago that she had sat on the bed in some sweats and a pajama top as Ava had slipped the blazer on and nervously smoothed down the sides, teeth catching on her lower lip as she’d looked herself up and down in the mirror, apprehensive about the interview she had in a few hours. She’d looked beautiful - she always looked beautiful - but in that moment she’d looked like she could take on the world, and Sara had been reminded all over again how lucky she had been to fall in love with her in the first place. _

_ She took a slow, careful breath. Her jacket smelled like Ava and it made her stomach twist, so she shoved it roughly into the bag she had brought with her and reached for the folder of important documents sitting on the bookshelf. She’d just come for the paperwork, she reminded herself.  _

_ Not for the book her fingers were itching to reach for, the one Ava had bought her for her birthday last year and penned a beautiful message onto the inside cover. Not the box of photographs she knew was still under the bed, waiting for an evening when they were both free to organise them and work out which ones to buy frames for, which ones to pin up, and which ones they could organise into some kind of scrapbook or photo album. She hadn’t come for the thick, knitted blanket in the lounge that Laurel had sent them both as a moving in gift or for the candles Ava knew she loved or for the countless memories that she was now struggling to get rid of.  _

_ Memories of Ava, sitting right beside her on the bed, brushing her hair from her cheek with a smile, ducking her head down when Sara teased her. Memories of Ava’s lips brushing lightly across her cheek, eyes brimming with affection - and later, brimming with hurt. Memories of bitter comments and tired, snappy remarks that were all tangled with the loving relationship that had existed before, not so long ago. Sara closed her eyes, but it all kept coming - memories, dreams, moments she had always treasured but had somehow managed to taint, probably beyond repair. _

_ Like the memory of kissing Ava against the door as they stumbled back from a night out with their friends, slightly tipsy and hopelessly in love, now damaged by the thought of her slamming that same door behind her a few weeks ago and making her way quickly down the stairs, unable to breathe until she was finally outside of the apartment block and could lean back against the wall with her eyes closed, letting a cool breeze attempt to blow the remains of the argument she and Ava had been having away.  _

_ She wanted to go back. _

_ She would give anything to go back to a time when this place had only held happy memories, when she and Ava had had the sort of idyllic, beautiful relationship that made strangers smile in the street and made all of their friends a little envious, because it seemed too good to be true. The problem was, in order to fix things they needed to be able to pinpoint when exactly things had gone wrong. And they’d tried talking about it, over and over again, but neither of them knew. There wasn’t one moment when things had started to collapse, there wasn’t an event or a decision that had caused this to fracture. It had just… happened.  _

_ And until they could see a way through this, they had decided to keep their distance.  _

_ Sara removed the documents from the file and shoved them into her bag with the jacket and her headphones and a few other things she needed, and then left the apartment as soon as possible. She and Ava needed to talk, because if they couldn’t see a way through this soon, they might have to accept that it could be over. But she wasn’t ready for that right now. She wasn’t sure what was going on in her confused, tangled heart, and she really needed to sort that out first.  _

_ If it didn’t work out… thinking it made Sara’s stomach turn, something deep within her aching at the idea of a life without Ava in it. She could find somewhere new, she attempted to convince herself. She could get herself a little place somewhere else - somewhere small and cheap because that was all she would be able to afford, but somewhere Ava had never been. If they decided to end things, she would desperately need an apartment that Ava had never set foot in - because perhaps that way, she wouldn’t keep managing to seep into all of Sara’s thoughts, whether she’d initially been thinking about her or not.  _

_ It wouldn’t come to that though, Sara told herself firmly, the words leaving a sour taste in her mouth.  _

_ It felt like a lie, but she wasn’t ready for the truth. _

* * *

“Did you do this when I left?” Sara asked, looking around at the photos Ava was carefully rearranging on the bed, ready to pin them to the corkboard on the wall. It had been two days since Ava had moved in, but the apartment was still sparsely decorated, most of Ava’s belongings sitting in unopened boxes on the floor. Sara couldn’t help but think that it looked odd and empty without Jordan. 

Maybe, once, Ava had thought the same thing about her too.

After considering the question for a moment Ava nodded, with a small, unexpected smile. It wasn’t a fond memory - it can’t have been a fond memory, Sara had had to rip herself away from the apartment they had shared and even when she got to LA, the ache in her heart refused to leave - but at least the parallels were familiar. Empty rooms, too much space,  _ needing _ somewhere fresh and new to start again because the old place was bursting with emotions that would never be replicated.

“It wasn’t the same,” Ava said, looking over to where she was sitting. “Losing Jordan isn’t like losing you was, for so many reasons. But I did, yeah.” She looked around at the crisp, freshly painted white walls. “This place is nicer than the one I moved into after you left though,” she commented, a stray, irrelevant thought. 

“It’s a lot nicer than my place in LA.”

Ava rolled her eyes fondly. “Yeah, I can imagine.”

Ava teasing her felt a lot better than Ava having a breakdown in the middle of her barely-furnished apartment, so Sara let her. She picked up the photos nearest to her, avoiding the ones Ava was laying out so as not to mess up her system. It was hard not to notice how carefully Ava had selected which photos to keep and which photos to hide in a shoebox in the back of a cupboard until she decided she wanted to see them again - they were mostly the group hanging out in the past five years, with a few photos from college scattered in there. Jordan was only in the group ones, but at least Ava hadn’t chosen to get rid of every picture that included her. This break up was already messy, but Sara desperately wanted them both to remain friends even if they needed a little time first. 

“Amaya was sitting where you were, last time.”

Sara looked up, not having expected Ava to continue. 

Ava smiled wryly at her. “I was so scared that I was going to lose everyone,” she admitted, “because they were  _ your _ friends and I assumed they would defend your decision to move and isolate me and I would no longer have a place here - except they never did. Ray called me immediately and asked whether I needed a hand moving my things to my new apartment, and brought me cupcakes for breakfast because he thought I might need something to improve the terrible day I was having. And… it was all the little things, you know?”

Sara didn’t know, and it stung, but she shoved that feeling deep, deep down, attempting to smother it before it made a reappearance.

“Even though they were angry and hurt and missing you, they still helped me pack and move and decorate my new place, and went out of their way to ensure I didn’t spend too much time alone. Amaya spent most of that first weekend with me, and I’m not sure where I would have been without her.”

Sara smiled as gently as she could manage. “I’m glad they looked out for you,” she said, but the words sounded wrong in her mouth and she saw Ava’s face fall slightly in response. Fuck. No, she hadn’t meant it like  _ that _ , not deliberately at least. She  _ was _ glad her friends had been there. And anyway, it was  _ her _ fault they hadn’t been there for her - she’d made peace with that a long time ago. 

Ava looked carefully over to where Sara was sitting, stack of photos still in her hands, the top one from the small party Ava had held for her twenty-third birthday. She could see why it was one of Ava’s favourites - they’d all been messing around in the photo booth Amaya had set up, and no one had managed to look at the camera. Nate’s arm was slung around her shoulders, Amaya and her were laughing at Ray’s antics in the background, Mick was rolling his eyes and Wally had lunged into shot just as the camera flashed and ended up a little blurry as a result, a split second away from crashing into Nate’s side. They looked happy, and it made Sara smile.

“If I’m being honest,” Ava said carefully, eyes drifting between Sara and the photo she couldn’t drag her gaze away from, “I didn’t realise how lonely you must have been in LA until you came back home. And I’m sorry that everyone being there for me meant they weren’t there for you.”

It was a sweet apology and Sara appreciated it, but it was an apology she truly, honestly didn’t deserve. Especially not now, when it was stemming from Ava having to live through all of these feelings again now Jordan was settling in in London. She sighed softly, putting the photos down on the bed. “I  _ am _ glad you had them to help you through it all,” she repeated, making sure Ava could hear the genuine affection in her tone. She weighed up the directions this train of thought could go, and then decided to neatly sidestep the conversation to get back to her point. “Just so you know - you’re not going through any of it alone this time either.”

“I do know,” Ava nodded, small, slightly melancholy smile gracing her lips. She reached for the photo Sara had placed back on the bed, partially just to give her hands something to do. “Everyone wants the best for me. For both me and Jordan, I suppose. And it hurts a little less, knowing that she’s out there doing exactly what she was always meant to do.”

The corner of her lips twitched a little and Sara’s stomach fluttered, feelings that she’d done a fairly good job of ignoring for the past few days threatening to resurface. Not  _ now _ , she attempted to tell herself, but her heart didn’t seem to be paying any attention. Not with Ava sitting a few meters away looking at her like  _ that _ , eyes twinkling with something that in another situation Sara might have convinced herself was affection. 

“Besides,” Ava said softly, words warm and grateful. “This time, I’ve got you.”

* * *

** _Messenger_ ** ** _   
_ ** (Sara Lance)

John Constantine   
_ Active now _

_ SUN 2:06PM _

Word around the city is that your   
girl Jordan took the job

  
hello to you too 

but yeah

she did

  
And her and Ava?

  
they’ve decided to end it so they   
dont end up resenting each other   
or trying to do long distance when   
they know it probably won’t work

  
You okay?

  
it’s not like i have any reason not to be   
right? they’re the ones going through a    
breakup

  
Except one of your best friends is now   
moving across the world, and another   
one of your best friends is heartbroken   
and she also happens to be a best friend   
that you have reignited feelings for

Sounds like a Victorian tragedy love

  
you’re really good at this pep talk   
thing john 

  
Pep talks aren’t my style

I’m just the guy who points out the obvious   
until people make sense of it in whatever way   
they need to

  
there’s nothing to make sense of

nothing’s changed here in terms of   
the situation with ava, jordan and my   
feelings for ava, okay?

even now that they’ve ended things, ava    
and i broke up all those years ago for a    
reason. even if sometime in the future    
when ava has moved on from jordan, i    
made some kind of move, there’s no way    
ava would feel the same and i’m not gonna    
risk everything i have here in star city on    
this fleeting crush

  
If you’re sure

  
god you’re so fucking unhelpful

  
  


* * *

_ Jordan Haverstock _ _   
_ _   
_ ** _iMessage_ ** ** _   
_ ** (Sara Lance)   
**Monday**

**   
** ** _1:03pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** hey my best frat boy <3

  
** _1:04pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Hey! How are you??

  
** _1:04pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** well i’m not the one who just moved   
to london so let’s start with you bc    
not a whole lot of interesting things   
have happened since you left

  
** _1:05pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** ;’D ;’D Okay fair enough

  
** _1:05pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Started work today! It’s crazy, it’s literally   
exactly what I always pictured for myself   
Sara, you have no idea. I have my own office   
with this view that looks out over the city,   
I get to handpick my own team and even   
hire a few interns and I’m gonna try get   
some college seniors because I remember   
how badly I was trying to get those kind of   
jobs when I was in senior year. 

  
** _1:06pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** The people in my department are so cool -   
couple of assholes and a few people who are   
suspicious of the random new American chick   
who’s kind of their boss but I think I just gotta   
win them over

  
** _1:07pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** get them drunk and you’ll be sweet;-)

  
** _1:08pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** That’s the plan ;’D

  
** _1:08pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Apartment is kinda shit but a few of my    
colleagues told me that there’s always    
rooms popping up in other people’s    
places so just to keep an eye out.

  
** _1:09pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** it sounds like everything you wanted for   
yourself, i’m proud of you x

  
** _1:10pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** It is

  
** _1:10pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Everything I wanted for myself, I mean

  
** _1:10pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** how are you doing with, you know. The   
Other Thing.

  
** _1:10pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** I miss her

  
** _1:11pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** she misses you

  
** _1:11pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** we all do

  
** _1:12pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** I always thought that when the right person   
came along, I’d always just be able to make   
it work, you know?

  
** _1:12pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** That regardless of everything else, it would all   
fall into place around my relationship however   
it needed to

  
** _1:13pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** But now that I’m here - I’m in London working   
my dream job and I have everything I ever wanted   
for my life and my career before I met Ava, it’s just   
so weird because I miss her so much I can’t breathe   
sometimes but I can’t imagine giving this up for her

  
** _1:14pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** i think that’s how you know you guys   
made the right decision, as much as it   
hurts and sucks to absolutely no end

  
** _1:14pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Yeah

  
** _1:15pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** How is she? 

  
** _1:15pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** she’s okay

  
** _1:15pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** sad, obviously

  
** _1:16pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** and she misses you as much as you miss her.    
but i think she’s also rly happy for you and    
proud of you and she knows this couldn’t    
have gone any differently without you guys   
ending up hating each other in some way   
or another

  
** _1:17pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Adulthood is a fucking bitch

  
** _1:17pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** i know right

  
** _1:18pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** hey, you know you can still talk to me   
about anything right? like, ava hasn’t   
‘won custody’ of me between the two   
of you in this break up 

  
** _1:19pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** What a way to put it

  
** _1:19pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** No, I know

  
** _1:20pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** I really, really appreciate it Sara

  
** _1:21pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** anytime jordan x

* * *

  
** _July, 2014:_ **

** _   
_ ** ** _Messenger_ ** ** _   
_ ** _ (Sara Lance) _

_ Zari Tomaz _   
** _Active now_ **

** _SUN 2:06PM_ **

** _   
_ ** _ Hi this is me checking up on you _ _   
_ _ without pretending I have some other _ _   
_ _ reason to message you because you’re _ _   
_ _ the idiot who moved across the country _ _   
_ _ in a heartbroken haze and stopped talking _ _   
_ _ to all your friends and everyone else is walking _ _   
_ _ on eggshells trying to talk to you but I _ _   
_ _ give so many less shits so _

_ Are you okay? _

_ How’s LA? _

_ Have you realised you’re a gigantic dumbass _ _   
_ _ for leaving all your friends behind yet? _

_ Also I miss you but whatever _

_   
_ _ god why am i even friends with you _

_ also fuck I miss you too can u move to _ _   
_ _ LA too pls _

_   
_ _ No, that stupid train left with you, it was a  _ _   
_ _ one way trip _

_   
_ _ bye _

_   
_ _ Okay okay I’ll be nice now tell me how you are _

_   
_ _ i’m ok _

_ laurel flew out to help me settle in and find _ _   
_ _ an apartment with some friends of hers and _ _   
_ _ that kind of thing _

_ i got a job at a bar! So i’m not totally broke _ _   
_ _ anymore whoop  _

_   
_ _ So you’re not coming home? _

_   
_ _ Z, i have to see this through at least for a bit. _

_ otherwise everyone is just gonna say ‘i told you _ _   
_ _ so you shouldn’t have moved’ and then i’ll come _ _   
_ _ back and just feel like shit in star city rather than _ _   
_ _ feeling like shit somewhere where nobody can look _ _   
_ _ at me and pity me _

_   
_ _ So you’re staying out of stubbornness and _ _   
_ _ pride? Wow, mature _

_   
_ _ get off my back z _

_ i made a choice to come out here and i’m sticking  _ _   
_ _ with it _

_   
_ _ Do you even like it there? _

_   
_ _ yes ok i do, i swear _

_ i love the sun and the city and my job is pretty _ _   
_ _ good so far and the apartment i’m in is kinda _ _   
_ _ small but laurel’s friends are nice and it’s just _ _   
_ _ nice being somewhere that doesn’t make me think _ _   
_ _ of ava every fucking minute of every day _

_   
_ _ She misses you. We can tell _

_   
_ _ is she okay? _

_   
_ _ Oh yeah that’s right you two were petty _ _   
_ _ children and blocked each other on  _ _   
_ _ everything so you can’t even keep up _ _   
_ _ with how you’re each doing anymore _

_ Again _

_ Mature _

_ is. she. okay  _

_   
_ _ Yeah _

_ Sad but like _

_ Doing okay  _

_ Just working a lot really  _

_ She and Amaya have become kinda close _ _   
_ _ but I think that’s because Amaya and Nate _ _   
_ _ have been on the rocks  _

_   
_ _ wait really???  _

_   
_ _ Yeah dude _

_ Plus Nate’s going away for the dig real soon. _ _   
_ _ I think they’re thinking of taking a break _ _   
_ _ while he’s away to see what happens. _

_ Jax has news about his plans this year but I _ _   
_ _ think he’s gonna call and tell you himself _

_   
_ _ damn okay _

_   
_ _ Sara, are You doing okay? With the breakup?  _ _   
_ _ Like, honestly, all this shit talking aside _

_   
_ _ i miss her so much i can’t breathe sometimes _

_ but then I go back and read our old messages _ _   
_ _ and for months we were just fighting so much _ _   
_ _ and I read them and get so annoyed and it _ _   
_ _ feels like us breaking up and me coming here _ _   
_ _ was exactly the right thing _

_ but then i wonder if i would trade all of this for just _ _   
_ _ a reason or something that would smooth out all _ _   
_ _ the reasons why we were fighting and i think maybe _ _   
_ _ i would  _

_ and then i don’t know if that means moving out here _ _   
_ _ was the wrong decision and i don’t want to think about _ _   
_ _ it because if it doesn’t feel right to be here then it won’t _ _   
_ _ feel right to be anywhere and it’s too fucking terrifying _ _   
_ _ to think that i’ll feel like this no matter where i am _

_   
_ _ Thoughts on me making a spontaneous _ _   
_ _ trip to LA this weekend?  _

_   
_ _ i’d be really really on board _

  
  



	18. back to the beginning, gonna hit rewind (chance to do it over and get it right this time)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "She’d been in LA for almost a week (tomorrow would be day six). She had genuinely forgotten how much she loved the people, the buzz of life and the little details that sparked a familiarity and proud nostalgia for a time in her life where Sara had kept powering through, even when it felt more than impossible and she had no idea what she was powering towards. Even so, it was almost a relief to miss Star City. It was a comforting reassurance that she had made the right decision almost a year ago to move back out there."
> 
> OR
> 
> sara visits LA, and is shocked by how much it (and she) has changed in the past year.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys, happy thurs / fri wherever in the world you are X
> 
> this week has disappeared in the weirdest blur so I'm glad we somehow managed to cobble together a chapter so we can post this one because we've FINALLY hit posting our favourite part of this fic!!! the next few chapters are just !! we're so excited for you to read them and tell us what you think and yell about them and have lil distractions from this continued global insanity. 
> 
> not much to say that's much different from every week: thank u for ur love, we are so grateful, it makes our weird as fuck weeks sm better, pls feel free to request stuff u wanna see in upcoming chapters, hope u guys are staying safe and doing okay, we love u lots 
> 
> chapter title is from the middle of starting over by sabrina carpenter   
oh and! there is a fic playlist for this fic on spotify, I will post the link on twitter later today if anyone wants to listen to it :-) (my twitter is @saraalcnce, rach's is @z__tomaz if u guys wanna say hi!)

** _July, 2020: _ **

“Motherfucker.” 

Sara ducked through the back door of the bar, dumping her bag on the floor by the storage room and making an instinctive beeline for the pantry, yanking open the fridge and letting out a long exhale of relief at the icy cold air that swept through the narrow room. She caught movement in the corner of her eye and glanced over her shoulder to see Alaric leaning in the doorway with a cheeky grin on his face. 

“Someone’s clearly very unused to LA summers, huh?” he said, smirking. 

Sara ignored his quip and stepped further into the fridge. “I’m not even gonna hug you because bodily contact sounds like the lowest pit of hell right now.” 

Alaric snorted with laughter, sliding his hands in his pockets and nodded in the direction of the rest of the bar. “C’mon. Main bar has the aircon blasting.” 

“Thank fuck,” breathed Sara, reluctantly closing the fridge and trailing after Alaric through the thick, hot air of the kitchen until it was replaced by a blissful cool of the public area of the bar - empty, given that it was 3pm, but with beautiful scattered sunlight casting patterns on shimmering wooden floors that made it feel more full and lively than an empty bar usually would during mid-afternoon. 

“Thanks for coming Sara,” Alaric said, his voice a little softer and more genuine than before. “I know Pete appreciates it.” 

“His daughter doing okay?” asked Sara, automatically following Alaric behind the bar and following his lead setting up the equipment for the place’s 4pm opening. 

“She was out of ICU yesterday,” said Alaric. “Definitely on the mend. But you know what Pete’s like when it comes to his kids - he’ll be hovering over her for months after she’s better.” 

“It’s what makes him a good dad,” said Sara, smiling a little and feeling a pinch in her chest as she remembered just how much Pete had sometimes reminded her of her own father while she’d lived in LA. His kind but stern, playful, protective and guiding energy had been one of the things that had drawn Sara so strongly to this job when she’d returned to LA after Quentin’s death. 

“He didn’t want me to ask you to fill in these extra shifts because he knew how well you were doing over in Star City,” said Alaric. “I told him you were thinking of coming back for a visit anyway but I think he’s still pissed at me for asking you behind his back because he wanted you to come back for a vacation rather than work.” 

“Being here on vacation would’ve felt way too weird,” promised Sara. “And if I’d just come to say hello, I would’ve ended up heading back after a few days. This way I can be here for a couple of weeks and properly see people, and grab a bunch of stuff I left at the apartment last year.” 

“Brodie know you’re here?” 

“Yeah, I messaged her when I booked my ticket. I’m glad she’s still living there.” 

Alaric tossed Sara a dish towel to wipe down the bench as he said, “She still talks about how much she owes you for handing that place over to her when you left. You did a good thing for her there, Sara.” 

Sara shrugged, feeling heat rise to her cheeks. “I didn’t have many people while I was living here, but I had you guys,” she said with a small shrug. “I wanted to keep all the good things I had in LA lumped together. Give the nice apartment to Brodie, who just so happens to work at the great bar with the cool coworkers and the best boss ever.” 

Alaric rolled his eyes. “How’d you get time off to come out here for this long anyway?” 

“My job at the university has insanely flexible hours during summer,” said Sara, “and my childhood best friends own the nightclub I work at. Plus, I have almost a year’s worth of sick days to use up.” 

“Atta girl,” grinned Alaric. “Okay, I gotta finish prepping in the kitchen. If you hear a very large thump, that’s me passing out from heat stroke. Just drag me over to the pantry fridge, I’m sure I’ll revive eventually.” 

“I’ll just raid your alcohol and make a run for it,” said Sara dryly. “Not like you know where I live anymore.” 

“No glazed peach cocktails for you after tonight’s shift then,” said Alaric with a glint in his eyes. 

“Get out,” gasped Sara. “You only make those at Thanksgiving! I genuinely considered flying back here just to get one!” 

“Thought you deserved a little welcome back to LA treat,” Alaric said. “They definitely help with the 100 degree heat too.” 

“I love you,” Sara declared and Alaric laughed loudly. 

“I’m sure you remember everything about opening up,” he said, tossing his dish towel over his shoulder. “You know where I am if you need anything.” 

“Thanks Ric,” said Sara. 

“It’s good to see you Sara.” Alaric’s smile was gentle and warm and familiar and comforting, and he reminded Sara a bit of a male version of Laurel. “Star City’s lucky to have you.” 

* * *

** _August 2016:_ **

_ Sara’s options weighed heavy on her mind, but there was only one that appealed to her.  _

_ She absentmindedly slid a beer across the bar and took the bills a more than tipsy customer was handing her, slipping them into the correct place in the till. She’d been distracted all evening, more focused on her thoughts than on the job she was supposed to be doing, slowly growing more certain that this was where she was supposed to be at this moment in time. She’d considered it carefully - her friends back in Star City might have been proud of her for thinking things through if she’d told them, even if the outcome wasn’t what they wanted. She couldn’t help it though. In the end there was no choice left to make.  _

_ Even so, she phrased her comment carefully. "I'm thinking of sticking around." _

_ It came out all in one go, a little rushed because she needed to get it out there before backing out, even though backing out was what Jax and Zari had spent hours on the phone last night trying to convince her to do. Changing her mind on this now would mean going back to Star City, and proving everyone right. She would have to face things she wasn’t ready too, and even after spending time here and managing to catch her breath, she still felt as though one harsh nudge from the wrong person could topple her, shattering into pieces. _

_ No, going back now felt like an even worse idea than it had a few months ago.  _

_ Pete seemed hesitant though, and he immediately turned to look at her, carefully considering her expression. His brow was furrowed slightly, and it reminded Sara so much of her Dad that she struggled to meet his eye.  _

_ Pete was a good guy. He had given her this job on a permanent basis when she first applied for it, which was more than most people were willing to offer to a lost college kid from out of town, and he’d been the best boss she’d ever had. He looked out for his employees in a way that few people did. He cared. Despite that, Sara had known at the start that he was expecting her to leave sooner or later - most people who moved to LA only stayed for a few months before giving up and going back home, and the bar staff here seemed to change regularly, except for the core group Sara had accidentally found herself part of.  _

_ Pete put down the glass he was rinsing and glanced back around the bar, counting the few people still drinking, the stragglers yet to go home. He seemed worried - just a little, but enough to make Sara's stomach twist. People being concerned about her had become unfamiliar, and she wasn't sure how she was supposed to react. She awkwardly shrugged one shoulder, needing to fill the silence, “just thought I’d let you know.”  _

_ It didn’t change things. If anything, it made life easier for Pete.  _

_ For some reason not seeming to agree, Pete sighed fondly, giving her a small, slightly sad smile. Sara’s heart felt like lead in her chest, as if she’d just accidentally confessed to more than she was meaning to. "Wait till we close, and then me and you can have a chat," Pete suggested, voice still warm and caring.  _

_ It didn't really sound like he was giving Sara a choice, but she nodded anyway. _

  
  


_ Pete slid a martini across the bar, pulling up two stools and gesturing for her to sit. Sara did, despite wanting to slip out of the back door before anyone noticed she had gone. (She'd noticed herself avoiding anything that involved emotions more and more since moving to LA, and she hated that she seemed to be regressing into a version of herself she had managed to leave far behind. A pre-Ava version of herself, really. A version of herself who was a little out of touch and didn't know how or when to ask for help, and didn't have the support system she knew she needed to check up on her when she had moments like these.) _

_ Pete tilted his head towards her drink, and she took a sip. "You're one of my best workers," he started, and Sara nodded. She knew that. She'd been tending bars for years now - at least she was good at something. She put her drink down, tapping her fingers against the bar, not knowing what was coming. "This job is yours for as long as you want it, I need you to know that." _

_ He paused, and Sara's heart sank. "It feels like there's a 'but' coming," she said hesitantly, and Pete gave her the same small, sad smile as before.  _

_ "Yeah. There is."  _

_ Silence fell between them, Pete’s comments incomplete. He clearly didn't know how to phrase whatever he was trying to say, so Sara gave him some time to gather his thoughts. _

_ His smile wavered. "Sara… you can't stay here just so you don't have to go back home." _

_ Ah. Yeah… that was the catch, the flaw Zari had pointed out, the one Jax had repeated, the one she knew Laurel would bring up the moment she called and told her her plans. She’d become too transparent for her own good. She took a cautious breath, and then exhaled. "Here is home," she insisted half heartedly, the words sounding false in her mouth.  _

_ "It's not." _

_ This time, it was Sara's turn to waver. "It could be," she attempted, and Pete shook his head again. _

_ "Not if you don't want it to be. And you don't want it to be Sara, I can see that. Not to sound sappy, but your heart doesn’t belong here. You stand at the bar serving drinks with a faraway look in your eyes, and sometimes I catch you daydreaming as you restock the bar, oblivious to everyone around you. You’re thinking about going back, but you’re telling me you plan on staying.” _

_ “I’m not thinking about going back,” she clarified. She was thinking of the past, more often than not, but she couldn’t have it back anyway. She had ruined it, it was gone, and completely out of reach to her. She would never get a chance to undo the mistakes she had made, so why try - it would only end badly. Some people didn’t deserve second chances, and because of that, Star City was off limits to her. She didn’t need Ava back in her life, not when the distance now between them would sting worse than anything else she’d felt before. _

_ “Sara,” Pete tried again -  _

_ Maybe it was the fact that her head wasn't quite screwed on straight today. Maybe it was the fact that everyone kept reminding her of Ava, and Ava was the last person she wanted to be thinking about right now and it was messing with her and throwing her off and breaking through the usually sturdy walls she was using to defend her shaky heart. She didn’t mean to come across so snappy, but she sighed, irritated. "I’m staying." _

_ Pete shook his head fondly, not rising to the bait. "It’s your choice. But if you are… you’ve got to be sure. Stay because you love the way the sun reflects off the water, and the way the sand glistens in the summer heat, or stay because you love the bakery down the street and you know where your favourite gelato shop is and you’re working in a job you love. I stick around for the palm trees and the way the dogs downtown are dressed up in stupid outfits makes my day every time I see them, and because my street is the perfect amount of quiet that my kids can learn to skateboard down it without me being afraid they’re gonna get hit by a car.”  _

_ “Sounds like LA is exactly the place for you,” said Sara, her voice a little strangled.  _

_ “It is,” said Pete, and there was a conviction and certainty in his voice about it that Sara was so envious of. “And I am so, so sure Sara that it could be the right place for you right now, but you have to make it that place. You - look kid, just make sure you’re not staying for the wrong reasons, okay?” _

_ Sara choked back a bitter laugh. Pete was trying. He was trying so, so hard. _

_ But she’d come to LA for the wrong reasons in the first place - maybe it was too late to turn over a new leaf now. _

* * *

Sara collapsed onto her bed with a long sigh, groaning at the loud squeak of the mattress springs, grimacing at how sweaty she could feel she was, and wishing more than anything she could click her fingers and already be showered, in her pyjamas, no longer ravenously hungry, and asleep before the apartment below hers inevitably hyped up their party as it hit 11pm and kept her up all night. 

She’d been in LA for almost a week (tomorrow would be day six). She had genuinely forgotten how much she loved the people, the buzz of life and the little details that sparked a familiarity and proud nostalgia for a time in her life where Sara had kept powering through, even when it felt more than impossible and she had no idea what she was powering  _ towards.  _ Even so, it was almost a relief to miss Star City. It was a comforting reassurance that she had made the right decision almost a year ago to move back out there. Her job at the bar here in LA had been amazing, this apartment she’d ended up with was pretty decent quality for LA, but returning to SCU had awoken a love for knowledge and learning about the world that Sara had forgotten she possessed, a love that she missed even after five days away from the university and the museum. 

She still had another week, perhaps a week and a half, here to help out around the bar and catch up with the people she had so abruptly left behind in her decision to relocate to Star City, but Sara didn’t mind. The past few months had been an exhausting whirlwind, with the end of the university year, Jordan and Ava’s breakup, helping Nate prepare for the archaeology trip, and her and Zari trying to navigate either finding a new apartment or renewing their lease with their landlord. Even though she was spending this time in LA mostly working, it was a welcome change of scenery, and it felt somewhat fitting to return almost a year after leaving and see just how much had changed. 

(Not much, it seemed. The bar was still the same, and the people were just as kind. The biggest change came when she looked in the mirror of the bathroom of her old apartment and found her reflection smiling back at her, happy, and content with how things were.)

Just as Sara moved to get up and shower (and maybe heat up some of Brodie’s leftover lasagne if she had the energy), her phone buzzed in her back pocket. With far more effort than she would’ve liked to expend, Sara extracted it and felt a frustrating flutter in her stomach when she saw who had texted her. 

_ Ava Sharpe _ _   
_ _   
_ ** _iMessage_ ** ** _   
_ ** (Sara Lance)   
**Wednesday**

**   
** ** _10:27pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Hey, how’s LA? 

  
** _10:27pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** hot

  
** _10:28pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** i’m not a human person anymore, i’m just   
a walking bag of sweat and i am LEAKING

  
** _10:28pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Dramatic

  
** _10:28pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** i’d like to see you be cheery and look in   
any way put together in this 100 degree   
weather thanks very much

  
** _10:29pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Sara, I grew up in California, remember?

  
** _10:29pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** oh 

  
** _10:29pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** that’s right

  
** _10:29pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** fuck off

  
** _10:30pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** ;’D ;’D

  
** _10:31pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** how’s star city?

  
** _10:31pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Same old

  
** _10:32pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Really really weird without you and Nate here

  
** _10:33pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** you doing okay?

  
** _10:33pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Yeah. Emphasis on okay though.

  
** _10:34pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** you don’t need to expect yourself to be   
any more than okay, you know that right?

  
** _10:35pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Yeah I know

  
** _10:35pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** I miss you being here to hang out with.

  
  


Sara refrained from flinging her phone across the room, instead snapping her eyes shut, desperately willing her heart to stop pounding so fast that it could leap out of her chest and join the thudding music in the apartment below. 

She couldn’t do this to Ava. It wasn’t fair. Perhaps this distance would be good for them, just for a little while longer, so she could find a way to push this down without Ava (or anyone else) noticing.

** _10:36pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** i miss you too

  
** _10:36pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** i’ll be back real soon!

  
** _10:37pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** I know, I’m just break up lonely and    
sad ;’D

  
** _10:37pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** I’ve gotta sleep, early start for work. Just   
wanted to see how you were doing

  
** _10:38pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** could facetime in the next couple days?   
maybe if you’re hanging out with the   
others, we can do a group call or smth?

  
** _10:39pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Sounds like a plan :-) 

  
** _10:39pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Night :-) 

  
** _10:41pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** night :-) 

  
  


* * *

Sara laughed as she made her way from the kitchen back out front to the bar, exchanging a smirk with Alaric as the interim sous-chef, Violet, frustratedly gave the new, arrogant bartender named Terrance, a very harsh talking to for dropping an entire plate of wings over the dessert prepping station. Terrance gave Sara a pleading look that clearly said  _ help me _ , but Sara just shrugged and pushed through the door back out into the customer packed bar. As scary as Violet was, Terrance had annoyed the hell out of Sara in the week she’d been working here and he was the kind of kid who could definitely stand to be taken down a few notches from the ridiculously high pedestal he had clearly placed himself onto. Plus, in the time Sara had been away, this bar had become incredibly more high end than the kind of grungy place it had been a year ago, so Terrance’s fuck up really couldn’t fly like it would have a few years ago. Pete had clearly started acting on his skill as a chef and business owner, because both the menu and ambiance of the place had become incredibly classy and impressive. 

Sara had half a mind to ask Pete if he wanted to expand and make  _ Verdant  _ something similar. She loved the slightly slower pace of this bar rather than the thumping chaos of  _ Verdant,  _ which was definitely much more of a ‘night club’. She got to serve food, make conversation with customers who weren’t drunk out of their minds, experiment with good quality alcohol and learn to make funner, more expensive drinks rather than just pouring endless beers, rum and cokes, gin and tonics, or whiskey shots. 

Sara restocked the tequila, sighing a little. She sort of wished this had been what the bar had been like when she’d been working here. But then again, she mused, if it had been this sophisticated a year ago, she might have never felt the little tickle of dissatisfaction that had pushed her to move back to Star City, and she knew without a doubt that she could never regret that. Not anymore. 

“Hey Sara,” said Brodie, appearing so suddenly beside Sara that Sara jumped in alarm. 

“Jesus Brodie!” Sara hissed, letting out an exasperated laugh. “Warn a girl.” 

“Sorry,” grinned Brodie, not looking sorry at all. “Could you serve the lady on my end of the bar? Ric’s on my ass for not having had my break yet.” 

“You haven’t had your break yet?” exclaimed Sara, giving Brodie a reproving look and hitting her with a dishtowel. “You’re a mess Brod. Get outta here, and make sure Terrance doesn’t go mope in the pantry feeling sorry for himself after Violet’s done with him.” 

Brodie snorted with laughter. “You got it.” 

Sara watched her disappear through the back doors fondly, before tossing her dishtowel back over her shoulder and wandering over to Brodie’s end of the bar to make sure everything was covered until Terrance made his way back to help. 

“Hey, can I get you anything?” she absentmindedly asked the new customer Brodie had been referring to, while simultaneously glancing down to the fridge to make sure they weren’t running low on any mixers. When she looked up, her stomach did a complete 360 somersault and Sara was honestly shocked it hadn’t leapt up through her throat and vaulted onto the other side of the room. “ _ Ava _ ?” 

Ava smiled, half sheepishly, half cheekily. “Hey.” 

Sara let out an incredulous laugh. “What the fuck? What - what are you doing here? When did you get here? Should I have known about this?” 

“It was very spontaneous,” Ava assured her. “Literally booked my flight last night.” 

Sara shook her head. “Holy  _ shit _ , you’re in LA!” 

Ava’s eyes glittered with a mixture of excitement and apprehension. “Yeah. Is - is that okay? I didn’t overstep or anything right? I just … I wasn’t having a good week and all the Jordan stuff was hitting hard and I needed to do something kind of reckless -” 

“Hey, of course it’s okay,” said Sara quickly, offering Ava a reassuring smile. “I’m just surprised.” 

“Good surprised?” 

“Definitely good surprised,” Sara promised. “So. Can I get you a drink?” 

Ava’s smile became more certain and relieved and she shrugged. “You know me. You choose.” 

Something in Sara’s chest fluttered at that, at  _ you know me _ , and she had to work very hard not to let it show on her face. “You got it,” she said softly. 

Sara had always found that she forgot other people were there when she was bartending. Not in the sense of  _ customers  _ because of course she knew they were there. But whenever some of her friends were dropping by  _ Verdant _ , or when Laurel had visited in LA, and now with Ava sitting at the bar nursing her second drink, the fact that she had an  _ audience  _ of sorts to what she was doing constantly slipped her mind because she fell into such an instinctive routine of actions - of bright greeting smiles and explanations of obscurely named cocktails on the menu, of small talk and charming cocktail shaking tricks that made people wide eyed and excited (and of course, tip more). She was good at this, she knew that somewhere in her head, but she also genuinely enjoyed the buzz and the energy and the interacting with waves of people who all had different stories and reasons for being here. 

So by the time 11pm rolled around and Alaric nudged her and said, “Hey. Shift’s over kid. Get outta here and hang out with that pretty girl who’s been eyeing you up all night.” 

Sara flushed and elbowed him none too gently. “Fuck off Ric. It’s not like that. She’s a friend from Star City.” 

Alaric arched an eyebrow. “Uh huh. A friend who flew all the way out to LA to surprise you. Sure.” 

Sara glared at him. “It’s  _ Ava. _ ” 

The considerable astonishment that flashed through Alaric’s eyes was very satisfying. 

“Wait, seriously?” he said, gaze darting to Ava to take her in properly with this new knowledge. “ _ The  _ Ava? What’s she doing here?” 

“Like I said,” said Sara. “She’s a friend from Star City. She just went through a complicated break up so I think she’s just looking to get away for a bit.” 

Alaric lips quirked upwards slightly. “Pete would have some  _ things to say  _ about this.” 

Sara huffed. “Oh, I know. So don’t fucking tell him, okay?” 

“We’ll see,” said Alaric unhelpfully. “Alright, like I said, scram. You’ve been here way longer than you were rostered on for. Take tomorrow off, okay? Show Ava some of LA, maybe even get drunk instead of being the person serving the drinks.” 

Sara smirked. “Okay fine, I promise to get drunk then. Call me if Terrance flakes or something.” 

“You’re aware you’re just filling in here right? You  _ are  _ leaving in like, a week.” 

“You’re just trying to pretend you don’t miss me already!” called Sara as she backed away, untying her apron and shooting Alaric a shit-eating grin. Alaric rolled his eyes and gave her a vague, exasperated looking wave before disappearing back into the kitchen. Sara chuckled, tossing her apron into the laundry basket, grabbing her bag from under the counter and ducking around it to come stand next to Ava. 

“Hey,” she said, and mentally had to kick herself at how immediately breathless she became when Ava smiled at her. “You know you didn’t have to wait around all night. I could’ve met you after my shift.” 

“It’s okay,” said Ava. “I like seeing you work.” 

Sara raised her eyebrows. “Oh?” 

“That sounded weird,” said Ava, shaking her head. “I just mean that I’m always  _ with  _ other people when I come to  _ Verdant  _ and you’re working. It’s cool just watching you in your element. On your turf, too.” 

“My turf?” Sara echoed, grinning. “What does that even mean?” 

Ava laughed, pushing her hair off her face. “That LA is … I dunno. It’s  _ yours.  _ Which of course Star City is and always has been - it’s your home. But you have this presence here that’s different. This confidence. You just seem so at ease here, like you don’t have to prove anything to anybody.” 

The back of Sara’s neck felt hot and she glanced down to try and hide the embarrassed smile that was spreading across her face. She wasn’t used to feeling this  _ seen _ , especially by Ava, and especially now as her feelings seemed to be ramped into overdrive. Ava shrugged one shoulder, following Sara out of the back door of the club, making sure the door didn’t bang behind her. She clearly wasn’t done with whatever it was she was saying though, because after a moment she continued “it’s just - you always made it sound like you had nothing here when you talked about LA.”

Sara smiled awkwardly, knowing full well it didn’t reach her eyes. “It was nothing compared to you. To - you guys.” 

Sara cleared her throat, attempting to remain nonchalant, but Ava didn’t seem to have noticed the slip. She shook her head, nudging Sara’s shoulder lightly. “But that’s not true. I mean - ” she gestured back down the road in the vague direction of the bar, drawing Sara’s attention to the new, classier sign which had appeared at some point in the last year. It made the bar look sophisticated, and much smarter than it had done when Sara first started. “I think it felt like nothing to you because you’d convinced yourself that that’s what you were worth, and that this was how you would spend the rest of your life. But look at what you built for yourself,  _ by _ yourself in just five years - you found somewhere you could grow, and you made LA your own.”

Sara’s cheeks flushed. Ava hadn’t been here for long, and she barely knew anything about Sara’s life in LA, but maybe… maybe having her here was a good thing. She wanted someone to show LA to, sure, but this was more than that - she wanted someone who could make her remember the good bits, the fun memories, the days where the sun was shining and the world didn’t seem so bleak. She needed someone to point out the things she did have, and had had all along.

“You have this job you’re incredible at,” Ava continued, the smile on her face almost proud, making Sara’s heart skip a beat. It had been a long time since anyone had been proud of her, especially for the things she’d done here in LA. (Mostly because there was very little to be proud of.) Ava shook her head as if in response to Sara’s thoughts. “Your job looks  _ fun _ and you seem to enjoy it and it’s full of people who care about you, and I know that probably didn’t feel like much compared to the career plans you had mapped out during college and the friendships you left behind, but it’s not  _ nothing _ . I do think coming back to Star City last year was the right thing for you, not just because we all missed you, and  _ I _ missed you but because you now get to do and be the things you always wanted, but you’ve still got to give yourself credit for the person you became when you were here.”

She reached out, finding Sara’s hand and giving it a light squeeze before letting go far too quickly. Sara instantly curled her fingers up into her palm in an attempt to remember the feeling. She’d never thought about her life here like Ava seemed to be doing, and she didn’t know what to do with the unexpected lump in her throat. 

She didn’t know what to say, either.

By the time she had left LA, she’d liked it. She’d found a place here, and she had managed to fit herself into the crazy whirlwind of life always going on around her. But she’d still never been able to stop comparing that to the life she could have been leading elsewhere, the people she could have had in her life, the person she could have loved, and the work she could have been doing.

She’d never managed to separate what she had and who she was from what she could have been. But here was Ava, telling her that she did  _ good. _ That it was okay if LA meant something to her, that it was okay if she was proud of who she had become whilst she was away. 

Something warm flooded through Sara and she let a small, gentle smile creep across her lips rather than trying to hide it. Ava hadn’t even been here twenty four hours yet so she’d barely seen any of LA - she hadn’t yet seen Sara’s apartment or the beach or any of her favourite spots in the city. This had been a place Sara kept private - partly because she didn’t want the others to see how little she had accomplished, and partly because it belonged to  _ her _ . But now Ava was here, and was interested and proud of her and cared about the life she had kept from them, and all of a sudden Sara couldn’t wait to share it with her.


	19. maybe this is wishful thinking (but if we loved again I swear I'd love you right)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "A fuse had blown earlier, so the apartment was only lit with three electric camping lamps that Sara had found in the storage cupboard, which was managing to make this even more difficult because they’d ended up on the couch and Ava’s face was lit up with the softest yellow glow that kept catching on her mascara thick eyelashes and casting tiny specks of shadows onto her cheeks, and there was nothing Sara wanted to do more than to give in and let herself chase them with her lips. Ava tilted her head ever so slightly, and the light shifted to illuminate her gentle smile, warm and inviting and familiar.
> 
> _Fuck, fuck, fuck, she was too drunk for this._"
> 
> OR
> 
> what happens in LA stays in LA. right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey lovely folks! 
> 
> happy thursday / friday - hope you guys have had a good week, or that you're at least making it through each day because god knows that's all we can ask of each other right now. 
> 
> okay so like, this chapter is possibly one of the biggest turning point chapters since ch 8 and it's also one of our undeniable favourite chapters. it's. we just. love it ok. it's so important and it sparks one of the best arcs of this fic. we're so fckn excited and also really anxious and nervous to upload it because we just want u guys to like it oof 
> 
> but as always!!!!! thank u endlessly for ur love and support!!!!!! pls yell at us even more for this chapter bc we wanna hear from u guys so bad!!!!!!! love u guys!!!!! 
> 
> (p.s. chapter title is from back to december by taylor swift, aka quite possibly one of the angstiest songs ever written)

** _July, 2020:_ **

She should’ve known. 

Should’ve known that given how she felt about Ava - how  _ long  _ she’d felt like this about Ava, and how heartbroken and messed up and confused Ava was and the fact that they were alone and not in Star City with the familiar walls and buildings and people to hold them accountable for not being  _ stupid -  _ that something like this could happen.

That something like this  _ would  _ happen. 

Because they were friends now - best friends even - and Ava was hurting so much, and Sara was desperate to make it better somehow and help her, to let her talk everything through the way she wished she could have with Zari six years ago. And yes, she found Ava attractive (more than attractive: beautiful, glowing, ethereal, and so full of a beaming, radiant light and purpose that Sara felt almost blinded by her half the time) but she didn’t want to make the self righteous assumption that Ava was still attracted to her after all this time, especially right now. It hadn’t taken long before she had thrown caution into the wind and suggested going out for drinks, because now Ava was in LA, of course Sara had to take her to the best clubs, cocktail bars, beachside party spots. 

Only ... that had led them here.  _ Here _ being Sara’s old apartment near the beach at 2am, tipsy and alone because Brodie was in Burbank staying with her parents for the weekend. A fuse had blown earlier, so the apartment was only lit with three electric camping lamps that Sara had found in the storage cupboard, which was managing to make this even  _ more _ difficult because they’d ended up on the couch and Ava’s face was lit up with the softest yellow glow that kept catching on her mascara thick eyelashes and casting tiny specks of shadows onto her cheeks, and there was nothing Sara wanted to do more than to give in and let herself chase them with her lips. Ava tilted her head ever so slightly, and the light shifted to illuminate her gentle smile, warm and inviting and familiar.

_ Fuck, fuck, fuck, she was too drunk for this.  _

_ This wasn’t a good idea.  _

_ She needed to sober up.  _

_ She needed to offer Ava the bed and sleep in Brodie’s room so they wouldn’t be in the same room tonight. _

Sara’s rational thoughts were fading faster than she could catch them, not that she was putting much effort in. She didn’t move, remaining sat with one leg up on the couch, facing Ava, completely captivated by the flickering shadows on her face, by the scent of her citrus perfume, the faded nude gloss of her lipstick. 

“I’m glad I’m here,” Ava said quietly, voice a little raspy from the red-wine and eyes glittering with a drunken, peaceful contentedness that only appeared at this time of night. “I really,  _ really  _ needed to get out of Star City.” She laughed bitterly. “Which makes me feel like I’m an awful person because the whole reason Jordan and I broke up was because I didn’t want to leave Star City.” 

“Hey, no,” said Sara immediately, tangling her fingers together in her lap to stop herself from reaching out to readjust Ava’s tousled hair. “There’s a difference between not wanting to leave Star City and needing a change of scenery when you’re having a hard time. I would know, I took a five year change of scenery when we broke up.” 

Ava snorted with laughter, but it was less bitter this time, more tipsy sounding and far softer than it had been before. It made her nose crinkle, and something fluttered incessantly in Sara’s chest, breath catching for a split second. The logical voice in her head had dropped down to the faintest of whispers, too easy to ignore. 

“I’m glad you’re here too,” she said quietly. “I don’t think I ever realised just how much I had in LA that I wanted to show you.”

Something flickered in Ava’s eyes. 

“What?” Sara asked, and Ava bit her lip. Sara couldn’t stop her gaze from darting down to Ava’s mouth for the briefest of seconds before forcing it back to her eyes. “Ava, what?” Sara repeated, nudging Ava’s knee lightly with her own. 

“I - I’ve actually been here before,” said Ava in a quiet rush of words. “LA, I mean.” 

Sara paused. “When you were a kid?”

Ava’s eyes flickered away, skimming across the skyline visible out the window before returning. She shook her head, and it caused more strands of hair to fall from her now loose, half undone up-do. This time she pushed them away before Sara had to stop herself from doing it first. “No,” Ava admitted carefully. “About six months after you moved out here.” 

Something cold dropped from Sara’s chest to her stomach, cutting through the haze. “What?” she said, louder than she’d intended. “Was - was it for work?”

It must have been for work.

Ava gave her a look, a clear look with eyes that said everything she could want to know, accompanied by a tight, sad smile that made Sara’s chest feel as though it was caving in because when it came down to it, Ava didn’t need to say anything at all. Ava sighed slowly, mistakes they had both made in the past hanging in the air, and Sara’s throat went dry.

Ava had come to find her.

She had still been in love with Ava then, still missing her warmth every night, still walking around corners making notes of things she wanted to tell her about. Six months after moving to LA she still looked at old photos. Still wondered whether she’d made a mistake and whether maybe if she flew back to Star City, everything would be different and they could figure it out this time. She had been trapped in that bubble of wanting and missing and wishing and hoping up until Quentin died, until Ava didn’t show up and she had been forced to convince herself that they were well and truly over.

“Why didn’t I know?” she managed to say, thoughts jumbled, desperately trying to piece things together. “Why were you there? What happened?” 

Ava shrugged a little helplessly, reaching up and tugging her hair tie from her hair. The way Sara’s heart was pounding at the expression of reminiscent longing on her face wasn’t helped by Ava’s hair cascading down her shoulders, each strand catching the light from the lamps a little differently.

“I missed you,” said Ava simply. “I missed you every second of every day and I couldn’t remember why us breaking up had been the ‘right thing’ anymore. All of the senior year stress was over and life was regular and steady and routine now that I was working and all I could think about was whether maybe it would work -  _ we  _ would work - if we tried again, and it was starting to get closer to your birthday and I just wanted to see you or know if you were coming back but none of the others knew because you weren’t talking to them, and Zari wasn’t around because she was starting to make plans to move away from the city. So I lied to everyone and said I was visiting an aunt in San Diego, took a week off work and flew out here.” 

She paused, and Sara saw a muscle jump in her jaw. “I was here for eight days but … I had no idea where to find you. You’d changed your number and I didn’t know then that Jax and Z had the right one. You weren’t living at the apartment Amaya had an address for. I didn’t know where you worked. We were blocked on everything. I was here in this stupidly big city desperate to find you and I had no idea how. I tried - god, Sara, I _tried_ \- but after a week I had to resign myself to the fact that you wouldn’t want to see me anyway, and I just wasn’t meant to find you. That … that it wouldn’t have worked even if we tried again. I don’t know how a whole year passed but it did and the next thing I knew, it was that February and I was in London for work hearing the news about your dad but I wasn’t able to get back to see you about it. Jordan and I got together after that and … I just let it go.” Ava blinked, eyes flickering up to the ceiling, and Sara could see a familiar glimmer of tears at the corners. “Or at least, I _thought _I let it go. Now, part of me wishes I had found you then, because maybe we would’ve figured it all out and I could’ve been there for you when your dad died and I wouldn’t have dated Jordan and my life wouldn’t have been this enormous fucking mess that it is right now.” 

There was a thick, unbearable lump in Sara’s throat. “You really came back to find me?” she whispered.

Her thoughts were swirling round in circles, but when Ava met her gaze the world seemed to still, the noise from outside the apartment fading into the background. “Yeah,” Ava said, equally quiet. “I … I think I still loved you then.” 

Sara didn’t know which one of them moved first. They were so close anyway, knees touching, fingers resting far too close on the back of the couch, the alcohol clouding their brains inching them closer so incrementally over the time they’d been sitting there that Sara couldn’t even remember leaning over, couldn’t remember Ava leaning in either. All she knew was one minute, she was staring wide-eyed at Ava, stunned into silence as her heart thundered in her chest, the words  _ I think I still loved you then  _ ringing in her ears, and then the next minute there were gentle fingers caressing her jaw and lips brushing against hers, and her entire body melted into the touch. 

It was like Sara had fallen down a rabbit hole, like she was tumbling further and further down an endless tunnel and the further she fell, the more she became consumed by the memories of this, of how soft Ava’s lips were, how they were warm and perfect and still tasted the same, and of how gentle her fingers were as her thumb hovered over Sara’s cheek. She never thought she would know what it was like to kiss Ava Sharpe again, but now she did and it was better than she could ever have remembered. Her chest was aching and she didn’t know whether it was because she needed to breathe or because it felt as though her heart had cracked open, every feeling she had once had for Ava - the ones she’d tucked away, squashed, and the others she had slowly let reemerge - all overwhelmed her in one go and she didn’t mean to let out a quiet gasp, didn’t mean to reach out and slide her hand over Ava’s thigh, but her body moved of its own accord. It was as though she was being swept up into the universe and Ava was the only thing keeping her tethered to the ground. 

Ava’s breath drifted across her lips as she leant deeper into the kiss, and Sara squeezed her eyes shut tighter. She could’ve done this forever. She was well aware of that, because kissing Ava had always been like a dream, and with one hand curled into Sara’s hair and the other on her waist, with her lips tasting like red wine and a lack of self control, this was no different. The batteries of the electric camping lanterns were running so low that their flickering gold beams were fading, but Sara was more than happy to let the darkness engulf them, to let time stop and let this to be the only thing in the whole world that existed from here on out. 

She’d missed this. She’d missed -

Ava’s hands shifted, the one in Sara’s hair dropping to unbutton Sara’s shirt, and the minute her fingers - soft and warm and achingly familiar - brushed against the skin of Sara’s chest, reality crashed into Sara in an ice cold moment of undeniable realisation. She pulled back, her lips already missing Ava’s, and shook her head, swearing softly under her breath. 

Ava’s hands fell away, an expression of hurt mixed with drunken confusion and panic flashing across her face. Sara could see immediately that she was about to bolt, so her hand darted out to grab Ava’s wrist before she could, letting out a long, slow exhale and trying to calm the static in her head.  _ Fuck _ .

“Don’t you dare run,” she told Ava, relieved that even though her voice was hoarse, it was steady and sure. 

Ava looked like a deer caught in the headlights.“I’m sorry,” she said immediately, running one hand through her hair. The words came out a little slurred by both panic and intoxication, making Sara’s chest tighten. “God Sara, I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have -” 

“It’s okay,” Sara interrupted immediately. 

“It’s not -” 

“It  _ is _ .” She shook her head. “Ava, it’s okay, I swear. I … I  _ get  _ it. I  _ get  _ wanting to feel something with someone after feeling so empty when Jordan left - I understand, you know I do. It’s … it’s what I did when we broke up, it’s okay.” She attempted to swallow the lump in her throat. Ava still wasn’t looking at her, in fact, she was looking anywhere  _ but  _ at Sara and Sara couldn’t bear it. “Ava. Ava -  _ Aves. _ ” She took Ava’s face in her hands so Ava had to look her in the eyes, thumb brushing lightly across Ava’s cheek. “Aves, listen. I can’t be that for you. Not with all our history. Not when we’ve finally become friends again, not when I know how broken you are right now, and not -” 

She stopped suddenly, the words curling up onto the tip of her tongue before she could say them. 

“What is it?” Ava whispered, and Sara shook her head.

She dropped her hands to the couch, fingers latching onto a loose thread and pulling as all the breath left her lungs in an instant. This was  _ Ava _ , she reminded herself. And they’d promised to be honest with each other. She looked down, forcing the words out, barely a whisper. “Not when I feel the way I do about you.” 

Ava stiffened. Immediately, Sara moved to run, but Ava knew her just as well and this time she was the one to reach out, grabbing Sara’s wrist before he could even shift her weight. 

“Which is how?” she asked, her voice far softer than Sara had been expecting. 

It took every ounce of willpower, every voice in Sara’s head echoing  _ it’s okay  _ for her to look up and meet Ava’s gaze, immediately surprised to find no repulsion in her expression, no judgement or pity, just relief and curiosity and confusion. Sara didn’t know if that made it better or worse. She exhaled shakily, eyes snapping shut. “Please don’t make me say it Ava.” 

It was 2:30 in the morning. It was 2:30 in the morning and the lanterns were dimming and the parties in nearby apartment buildings were starting to quieten and they were both tipsy - perhaps even more than tipsy, and if they needed to, that could be their excuse for this whole mess. 

But even so, she didn’t want to say it.

“If - if you want to go back to before,” said Sara, “we can always chalk this up to ‘what happens in LA, stays in LA.’” She tried to make her voice light and joking, silently pleading with herself that the words wouldn’t crack and reveal just how precariously she was teetering at the edge of a cliff, an unknown drop waiting for her just a few steps away. 

Ava’s fingers brushed lightly against her wrist, barely there, and Sara fought back the tears threatening to spring to her eyes. 

“We both know we matter too much to each other for that,” Ava said quietly, her hand trailing down Sara’s wrist so she could curl her fingers around Sara’s and squeeze tightly. Sara wanted to nod but instead she held Ava’s gaze, knowing that the complex, indescribable emotions swirling through Ava’s eyes were matched in her own. Neither of them spoke for a long time. Sara didn’t want to. These moments in the near darkness, closer to Ava than she had been in so long, felt as though they were the only things keeping the world from fracturing around them. 

Abruptly, the lights crackled and came spluttering back to life. 

Both Sara and Ava startled in surprise. 

“They must’ve gotten to the fusebox,” said Sara, overwhelmingly relieved that Ava’s grip on her hand had tightened instead of having been pulled away. Ava just nodded, and then gave Sara’s fingers another squeeze. 

A beat passed.

“We … we should talk this out,” Ava said slowly. 

The little logical voice in Sara’s head piped up an agreement, finally returning after having been absent for much of the last few hours. 

“Should we wait until tomorrow?” she asked, wanting to prolong the inevitable. “Wait until we’re more awake? More sober?” 

Ava bit her lip, and Sara knew before she spoke what her answer was going to be “It would be really easy to blame this on the alcohol,” she said, “but... I know I’m not that drunk.” 

Sara let out an almost involuntary laugh. “Yeah. Me neither,” she confessed, watching as Ava’s lips twisted up into a wry smile.

“I don’t want to leave this long enough for us to get distant about it,” said Ava honestly. “I want us to tell each other the truth, to  _ actually  _ be on the same page. And we should probably talk about it again tomorrow when we  _ are  _ more awake and more sober, but I don’t want to lose you between now and then.” 

_ You wouldn’t _ , Sara thought insistently, but then caught herself. Ava was right. If they left this to simmer overnight, they would both overthink things and spiral into headspaces that neither of them wanted to be in, not knowing what was true and which feelings were real, and what had simply been amplified by the alcohol. “Okay,” she breathed, finally able to produce a somewhat genuine smile, even if it was small and tentative. “What are you thinking?” 

Ava paused. Her eyes were full of warring emotions, and they looked suspiciously wet once again. 

“Talk to me,” Sara said softly, and Ava took a slow, measured breath.

“I’m still in love with Jordan,” she said eventually, swallowing. “I can’t pretend I’m not.” 

“I know that,” Sara immediately responded. “Of course I do.” 

Distinct relief tinged Ava’s expression and she sat up a little, running her free hand through her hair. “But … god Sara, I don’t want to feel like this forever. Missing what she and I had. And I know I won’t, I know I’ll move on - I  _ want  _ to move on, to have that again with someone else - but … I just need time.” 

“The only remedy to any breakup,” said Sara with a grimacing smile. “No matter how badly you wish there was a quick fix, it’s literally the only solution.” 

Ava laughed a little, but fell quiet again quickly, her gaze flickering tentatively back to Sara. “You … you know what I’m talking about, right?” she said, sounding unsure. “Because I still have feelings for Jordan but … I know -  _ you  _ know - that I feel something here too. Sara, you’re my best friend and I know this is messy, but there’s always been a part of my heart that’s yours and maybe five years ago we weren’t right for each other but we’ve grown so much and the people we are now work so well in each other’s lives. And - and you’re beautiful and wonderful and so, so incredible, Sara, you have to know that.” She shook her head a little helplessly, shrugging one shoulder. A tear slipped down her cheek and she wiped it away with the back of her hand, the gesture inexplicably making Sara’s eyes burn too. “But … but if we tried anything -  _ did  _ anything - right now … I’d … I’d just feel so  _ guilty  _ -” 

Her voice cracked, Sara’s heart shattering along with it, and she shuffled a little closer, finally giving in to the need to tuck Ava’s hair behind her ear, smoothing some of the faint worry lines under one eye with her thumb and giving Ava a gentle, reassuring smile to make her fall quiet. “Hey, it’s okay. I know. You don’t have to explain it to me.” 

“I need to try - ”

Sara sighed softly, hating the desperation in Ava’s eyes. “You  _ don’t, _ Aves _ , _ ” she insisted, the old, familiar nickname that she hadn’t used since she moved away rolling effortlessly off of her tongue for the third time that evening, as if it was always meant to be there.

She wasn’t sure Ava would believe her, but this time she didn’t try to argue. They sat in silence for a moment longer until Ava breathed out in relief, and then nodded. “Okay. Okay, good.” 

Sara squeezed her hand. 

This felt like the natural conclusion to their conversation, but Sara bit her lip, needing to make one final thing clear before the influence of the alcohol they’d both drunk faded and everything became even more complicated and confusing and cautious. “Ava,” she started carefully, waiting until Ava met her eyes before continuing. “We need to be sure.” She paused, holding Ava’s gaze. “ _ I  _ need to be sure. I’m absolutely willing to wait as long as you need because you’re - you’re  _ so  _ worth it for me Aves. But I need us to both be sure.” 

“I am,” said Ava, her voice sounding the most unwavering and sober that it had in hours. “You make me feel safe, Sara. You’re the only person I could do this with after Jordan. I just need -” 

“Time,” finished Sara, squeezing Ava’s hand. A siren wailed outside the window, and Sara waited for it to pass. “We should talk about this in the morning too, because we have to be  _ certain _ . We can’t do it wrong this time.”

“We’ll talk,” Ava agreed, with a small, achingly familiar smile. The words, alone, could have meant anything - but the way she said them … they were short and simple, but to Sara they felt as though they held the entire universe, endless possibilities for a future she’d given up stretching out into the distance. Ava’s eyes flickered to her lips, and despite what they had just agreed Sara found herself fighting her smile. Warmth was starting to spread from her stomach, butterflies fluttering as if she was nineteen again and had caught the eye of the beautiful girl she’d only just noticed was hiding behind a chilly facade.

They would be careful, and they would look out for each other, and they would take as much time as they needed. But this was  _ right _ , and they both knew it. And now they had set it in motion it seemed inevitable. She would wait forever for it if that was what Ava wanted.

Sara pushed herself up from the couch, offering Ava a hand and pulling her to her feet too. “I’m gonna sleep in Brodie’s room,” she said quietly, but not for the same reasons as before. “And I’ll see you in the morning?”

“You will,” Ava smiled, eyes crinkling at the corners. “Goodnight, Sara.”

She slipped away into the bedroom, but not before returning Sara’s gentle, affectionate grin. 

Sara flicked of the light, heading towards Brodies room but pausing halfway there, absentmindedly changing direction. Instead, she moved over to the window, opening it a little so she could lean out to gaze at the sprawling city below her, finally close to silent except for a few groups of people in the distance walking home from nights out and cars travelling quietly through the dark, empty streets. A gentle, warm breeze drifted by, shifting a few loose strands of hair, and Sara closed her eyes to let the moment wash over her. 

Her time in LA, for once, felt right. 

* * *

** _April, 2014:_ **

_ Sara flicked through her phone calendar yet again, trying to match it up with Ava’s timetable and find a day when they were both free to have the movie night they had promised to host for their friends. She had sat down at the breakfast bar half an hour ago to sort this out, but still hadn’t made any progress because she’d gotten distracted firstly by her emails, then by adding tasks to her endless to do list. She sighed, looking up from her phone. “I’m not going to be around most evenings this week,” she said, not as apologetic as she could have been. “Laurens’ needs all hands on deck at the museum leading up to the opening.” _

_ She hadn’t realised it would be a big deal, but Ava’s face immediately fell. “But what about Tuesday?” _

_ ...Tuesday?  _

_ Sara racked her brains, filtering through the events she knew were coming up, unable to work out to what Ava was referring. Ava’s expression wasn’t giving anything away but Sara could sense her frustration growing just below the surface. She looked down at her phone as it buzzed, another reminder about the museum opening coming through. She swiped it away and then looked back across the kitchen, chewing the inside of her cheek and hoping that this fragile situation wasn’t about to collapse. (This was where things usually went wrong.) She was fairly sure Ava was more annoyed by her forgetting whatever this was than by her not being available in the first place.  _

_ “What’s happening on Tuesday?” she asked quietly, and it stung a little (a lot) that Ava seemed resigned and disappointed rather than surprised by her question. _

_ The look in Ava’s eyes cut right through her. “We have a reservation at that new dinner place in town. We planned this weeks ago, Sara - it’s  _ ** _one night_ ** _ .” _

_ Shit.  _

_ It wasn’t just a date - it had been planned two weeks ago, after their last big fight. (Had it only been two weeks, Sara wondered? That was barely any time at all, and yet they’d already found something else to fall out over.) They’d wanted to start afresh, to take an evening out of their busy lives to spend time together and relax and remind themselves how perfect this relationship could be, how perfect this relationship  _ ** _had_ ** _ been until a few months ago. Ava put the saucepan she had just dried back into the cupboard, the lid crashing against the pan and echoing around the kitchen.  _

_ “Sorry,” Ava apologised, but her words were tight, terse. “Sorry.” _

_ Sara pushed her stool back and stood up, abandoning the calendar and timetable and to do lists on the table. “No, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to forget about our dinner, I know it’s important to you.” _

_ She only realised how badly she’d phrased that a moment too late. _

_ “But not to you,” Ava responded coldly, words hitting Sara like a slap in the face.  _

_ That wasn’t what she’d said. That wasn’t even what she had implied, she’d slipped up and made a genuine mistake and was about to text Nate to tell him Tuesday was off limit and she wouldn’t be able to help assemble the displays they needed. Ava folded the tea towel she had been using and hung it back on the oven door, corners sharp and precise, and Sara felt an irrational bubble of anger growing within her. She forced it down.  _

_ “It does matter to me,” she said calmly, desperate to push this away and finish the conversation. She didn’t want to fight - not again. She was tired of fighting. She was tired of biting her tongue and having to hold back the words she wanted to say, she was tired of having to convince herself that Ava’s words were heated and in the moment and that she  _ ** _was_ ** _ loved, despite what her ears were hearing. She was exhausted by this all, and she just wanted the world to slow down. She was desperately hoping that Ava would let this mistake go. _

_ Ava shoved her hands into her back pockets, a coldness entering the room, almost making Sara shiver. “You’re busy with the museum,” she said stiffly. “And I’m busy with work. It’s fine. Forget about it.” _

_ “I don’t  _ ** _want_ ** _ to forget about it,” Sara said harshly, and Ava rolled her eyes. _

_ Sara hated this side of Ava. This was the Ava who had infuriated her when they first met, the Ava who was harsh and unyielding and determined to hide herself behind thick, icy walls. This wasn’t fine, she could see that -  _

_ “Clearly you do.” _

_ “That’s not true -” _

_ “- one evening Sara! That’s all I asked for!” Ava threw her hands up in the air, genuine anger seeping into her voice. “Not that that seems to matter to you.” _

_ “Oh, ‘cause you always remember our plans.” _

_ Ava had been the one who forgot last time, she reminded herself, trying to find some justification.  _

_ “I’m the one who seems to  _ ** _care_ ** _ about our plans,” Ava snapped coldly, getting louder and harsher the longer this argument went on. “You forget and backtrack and change things so much, I don’t know how we ever managed to go on dates before this! It makes me wonder why we started dating in the first place!” _

_ Sara froze. _

_ This wasn’t - they’d just been planning their evenings, it wasn’t supposed to become -  _

_ Ava took a step back, wavering, the anger and annoyance in her eyes fighting with a wave of remorse as she replayed her words in her head. Sara exhaled shakily, shoving her hands roughly into her pockets. That last retort had cut like a knife through the heart, and she knew Ava had seen her reaction before she’d had the chance to hide it. She ran one hand through her hair, taking a step back, and Ava subconsciously followed her movement.  _

_ “I’m - shit, Sara, I didn’t mean -” _

_ She trailed off, neither of them wanting to finish the lie. No, it wasn’t a lie. Ava didn’t mean it. Did she?  _

_ They were good, most of the time. They were everyone’s ideal relationship, they fitted perfectly together. They were in sync and knew each other intimately and trusted one another. Or… they had done. They had been certain, even when they wobbled, that they were meant to be. They didn’t say things like this, they didn’t aim to hurt each other with their words.  _

_ “I want this to work,” Sara insisted tearfully, each word coming out sharp and hoarse and broken, voice catching in her throat, eyes burning. _

_Something snapped and Ava threw her hands up into the air, exasperated and frustrated and done, fed up with the situation, fed up with how their evenings kept ending. “But it’s not_, _Sara! It’s _**_not_**_ working!”_

_ She felt her tears spill over, and forcefully wiped them away. She never used to do that, she realised with a jolt, not around Ava. Ava must have realised too because she let her hands drop to her sides, hesitating for a moment. Her voice softened, just slightly. “Something’s wrong, Sara, “ she said quietly, barely daring to voice the thought. “ Something’s wrong with  _ ** _us_ ** _ .” _

_ “We can fix it though,” Sara said desperately, clutching at straws.  _

_ “Yeah,” Ava agreed. “But whatever’s going on right now… it isn’t fair, and you know it.” Despite how much she hated the comment, it was true. “It’s not fair on either of us.” _

_ Sara closed her eyes, not wanting to watch this unfold. “I know,” she admitted. Ava was speaking the truth, and she hated it more than anything. How long could they wait for this to fix itself, she wondered? How long before it was too late, and this relationship crumbled? _

_ If they were meant to be, surely they would manage to find a way, no matter how much time it took to work things out? _

* * *

When Sara woke up the next morning, she doubted whether the night before had been real. It couldn’t be - could it? Being back in LA had been surprisingly calm and relaxing so far, but perhaps Ava showing up so unexpectedly had thrown her for a loop and that was the reason her dreams were spiralling out of control. She rolled onto her side, the sunlight filtering through the blinds covering Brodie’s bedroom window now falling against her skin, warm and familiar. She had cracked the window open last night before sleeping so a gentle breeze could drift through the room, just like she always used to in the midst of hot LA summers, ensuring that the apartment she woke up in was the perfect temperature.

Last night wasn’t hazy enough to have been a dream. It was clear, every detail etched into her mind. Her fingers brushed against her lips and she closed her eyes, picturing Ava in front of her, her touch the same as it always had been and yet different in ways Sara couldn’t explain, her lips fitting against Sara’s just like they always had _ . _

(Maybe the way they always  _ would _ , said a quiet voice in her head, and Sara couldn’t stop herself from smiling just a little.)

She bit her lip hard to stop it from spreading from a tiny flicker of a  _ maybe  _ to a full blown hope. But there was something freeing about being able to think things like this now, without the pit of guilt in her stomach overwhelming her. Not that ... fuck, this was still complicated, and last night hadn’t made it any less so - but she would talk to Ava about it all. Soon.

She would talk to Jordan too, eventually, if something did come of this. She owed her the truth at least, although her smile as she had asked Sara to look out for Ava, the squeeze of her hand and gentle hug and the demand that she looked out for herself too and followed her heart - 

Yeah, somehow, Sara didn’t think Jordan would be surprised. A cautious, tentative part of Sara’s heart dared to think that Jordan might even be happy for them.  _ If this went anywhere _ , Sara reminded herself, desperately trying to restrain her drifting thoughts. She and Ava needed to talk now they were both sober and check they were still on the same page, because they couldn’t lose each other, not now, not over something like this.

_ ‘I feel something here too,’ _ Ava had told her, and she tried her hardest to stop the hope setting its roots in her heart from spreading. 

She would rather have Ava as a friend than lose her completely. 

She didn't mean to, but instead of entering the kitchen Sara found herself loitering in the doorway, leaning against the doorframe. Ava was already up and sitting at the kitchen table with a bowl of cereal and mug of tea, nose deep in a book she must have found at the back of the bookshelf that Sara had left in this apartment when she had moved back to Star City. She remembered shoving it there, somewhere she wouldn’t be able to see it. She hadn’t realised until after she bought it that it was the kind of crime thriller that Ava would have loved - but even then she hadn’t managed to convince herself to throw it away. 

She’d kept it, unread and ignored.

For Ava.

She’d kept it, despite every instinct telling her that she would never get another moment like this, she’d never get to watch Ava lose herself in a book or feel these butterflies beginning to flutter in her stomach like they had done when she was young and dumb and falling far too fast, she’d never again see Ava glance up, eyes getting a little brighter as she noticed her. She’d never get  _ this. _ As if on cue Ava glanced over to her, noticing her presence for the first time. She closed the book and slid it back onto the coffee table, and Sara was struck by how at ease she seemed in this apartment. She fit. She  _ belonged _ . 

“You gonna sit there staring all day?” Ava asked, quiet smile creeping into her voice. “Hope you know I’m not gonna let you get away with not eating breakfast.” Sara matched the smile without thinking and rolled her eyes, making her way across the room so she could sit in the chair opposite Ava. 

There were many times when she wished she lived slightly closer to the ocean, and now was one of them. This was the kind of moment that needed gentle waves crashing in the background, along with the faint sounds of people laughing and enjoying the early morning sun rather than the low hum of traffic passing on the streets below. That said, the conversation they needed to have would disrupt that imaginary peaceful atmosphere too. 

It was a while before either of them spoke, both preferring to drag this perfect moment out for a little longer, until the unease that had been lingering in Sara’s stomach when she first woke made a reappearance. She tapped her fingers against the table, trying to work out where to start. 

“We should talk,” Ava said before she had the chance, echoing their conversation from the night before.

Sara nodded, and then took a careful breath. It was better to rip the band aid off than to drag this out. “Everything I said last night…. I meant it. There’s nothing I would take back.”

She was reading too much into this, and she should really find a way to stop herself before she misread the entire situation, but she could see the hopeful glimmer in Ava’s eyes wavering and her heat twisted. If Ava didn’t want this, that was fine, she reminded herself. Just because she had feelings, that didn’t mean things would slot effortlessly into place. Maybe Ava had just kissed her because she was drunk and heartbroken - Sara definitely knew that feeling. She could force a smile onto her face. She could fake a laugh. She could push these feelings down, and find a way to get over them ( _ again _ ).

“I meant what I said too,” Ava admitted quietly, breaking eye contact, but the relief Sara was waiting for didn’t come. Ava ran one hand through her hair. “I’m sorry, Sara.”

When she didn’t elaborate, Sara nudged her foot gently under the table. “Sorry for what?” she asked, a tight knot of anxiety in her chest. Ava looked up, expression clouded with complicated, tangled emotions.

“This isn’t fair. On you.” She sighed softly, and Sara frowned. “I’m still torn up over Jordan leaving, and I don’t want you being here for me and making sure I’m okay and doing everything you can to make me feel better like I’m stringing you along or something - ”

Sara’s frown deepened. “Stop. I’m not - Ava, I’m not just here because of whatever  _ this _ is. Whatever happens between us or not, I’ll still be here. I - ” She cut herself off, wondering for a split second whether she was sharing too much information, before realising that this was  _ Ava _ , and she could never give her anything but the truth. “I realised I had feelings for you again a long time ago, back when you were still with Jordan, and I wasn’t going to leave then even though I didn’t think you two would break up. Don’t forget that you’re my best friend too, no matter what else happens. Me being here isn’t related to whether or not we can date at some point in the future.”

“I don’t want you waiting for me though,” Ava said quietly, skipping over her mention of Jordan for now. They’d end up talking about that at some other point, Sara was sure of it. Now wasn’t the time for that though. “I don’t want to hold you back.”

Sara smiled sadly, losing herself in Ava’s expression. “I don’t know how to make you understand that that’s not what this is, Aves. You mean the world to me, and you always have. And last night -” 

Last night had brought them closer. Last night had proved that there was something about Ava, something about  _ her  _ and Ava, together, that made  _ sense _ . Something that fit, something that was meant to be, something indescribable but perfect and complete and breathtaking.

“I’ll wait,” she promised firmly, reaching out to rest her hand on top of Ava’s, squeezing lightly. 

“I don’t know how long I’ll need,” said Ava, even as overwhelming relief crept into her expression. 

“That’s okay,” said Sara. “I’ll be here. I’ll wait.”

She would wait forever and a day, for Ava.


	20. but if you close your eyes (does it almost feel like nothing changed at all?)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "The heartbreak on Ava’s face as she caught sight of her sitting on the floor beneath her window with red rimmed eyes and hands that could barely disguise their tremors hit harder than anything Ava could have said to her. Ava tilted her head and gave her what might have been a smile, but if it was it was the most melancholy smile Sara had ever seen. She shouldn’t be here. Zari must have given her her key, but that didn’t give her any right to just walk in, not when Sara desperately wanted to be miserable in peace."
> 
> OR
> 
> it's one year since the reason sara came back to star city in the first place. the time though, she and ava are in a very different place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi guys!!! 
> 
> super sorry about missing last week's upload - the lockdown and uni stress and mental health and everything really got the best of us and we just had to bail, hope ch 19 was enough to tide you guys over until now! 
> 
> we managed to catch up on the couple of chapters we were behind on this week though! and holy shit we are so very excited for you guys to see them, holy shit this lil bit of the fic is our absolute favourite and we can't wait for you guys to read it all!!!! until then! here's chapter 20, it's angsty but we do love it! please let us know what you think, we've missed you guys! 
> 
> hope you're all doing okay and that this can offer you a little bit of happiness in this weird time xx
> 
> (p.s. chapter title is from pompeii by bastille)

** _July, 2020:_ **

Today had crept up on her. 

She’d known it was soon - how could she not, the date was etched firmly in her mind - but her trip to LA and everything that had happened there had momentarily distracted her, and she hadn’t noticed that today was  _ today _ until she had read the date on a note someone had left on her desk at the university.

As of today, it had been a year.

A year since she received one of the worst phone calls she ever remembered, a year since she found herself standing in a dark alley in LA with tears in her eyes and lungs that didn’t seem to be working correctly, a year since she had packed her bags and flown back home to attend the funeral for one of her closest and oldest friends, the little brother she had accidentally acquired somewhere along the way.

She’d made it through work, just about. She’d had enough to distract her then, and she’d made sure to push her grief down as deep as she could. Now, she was supposed to be going over to Jax’s mom’s place to attend the dinner she was hosting - Zari was already there, along with Ray, Nate, Nora, Ava, and everyone else who had the evening free. She’d finished work late and had only come home to change, but now she was back in her and Zari’s empty apartment the idea of  _ leaving  _ to go to dinner in a house where she had spent countless hours hanging out with someone who  _ wouldn’t be there _ … it was enough to make her stomach turn. She couldn’t do it.

Time was supposed this easier - that was what everyone always told her.  _ She  _ had given that advice too. Only today, right now, Jax’s absence felt more pressing than it ever had before. Last year she had been distant enough from everyone that missing Jax almost felt the same as missing the friends she left in Star City. He wasn’t there, and she’d attended his funeral and  _ fuck _ it had hurt, but her head had been all over the place at the time, distracted by Ava and finding out about Jordan, distracted by the ache in her chest that her return to Star City had invoked, distracted by anything and everything that would take her mind off of things. A year later, everything was clearer. Everyone felt closer. 

Everyone except him.

** _November, 2011:_ **

_ “You’ll tell me, right? When you do get together.” _

_ “If,” Sara corrected, rolling her eyes, and Jax laughed.  _

_ “I know you well enough to know you don’t do things halfway, and since she’s got feelings for you…” Jax didn’t finish but he didn’t need to, the nudge he gave her with his elbow and the ridiculous grin on his face saying more than enough. “Look, you might as well ask her out. There’s no point hanging around - you never know what life’s going to throw at you.” _

_ Sara rolled her eyes yet again, ignoring the warm feeling that enveloped her at the realisation that not only did Jax like Ava, but he thought they fitted together well too. He had told her before that she and Ava complimented each other perfectly, and she’d filed it away as a stray, offhand comment - but no, here he was repeating it. She and Ava did fit together. They made sense. And maybe, eventually, she would get round to seeing whether Ava would be interested in dating her after all.  _

_ That, or she could just wait until the tension between them grew and they accidentally made out without thinking about what they were doing, and then let a relationship blossom organically from there. One or the other. _

_ Sara turned, crossing her legs so she was sitting directly in front of Jax on his bed. “Hey, how come it’s always you teasing me about my love life? Shouldn’t I get a turn sometime soon?” _

_ Jax shrugged. “I don’t know, maybe I need to fire my wingman.” _

_ “Hey!”  _

_ Jax tossed a cushion in her direction but she caught it with ease, smirk turning cocky. Moments like this always made her wonder what having a little sibling would be like - not that she needed to wonder, she supposed. She had a little brother sitting right beside her.  _

_ “I’m joking,” Jax clarified, teasing grin still fixed firmly in place.  _

_ Sara pointed a threatening finger at him. “You better be.” _

_ “I am! When I get a girlfriend, you can tease me as much as you want.” He paused. “Well - ” _

_ “No take backs,” Sara immediately jumped in, and Jax groaned. _

_ “You can tease me a  _ ** _little_ ** _ . If - and only if - you keep me updated on the ‘seducing Ava Sharpe’ situation.” _

_ If anything, Ava Sharpe was seducing her - even if she was entirely oblivious to the effect she had on her - but Sara wasn’t about to give Jax even more ammunition to tease her with later. He’d been there for every relationship she’d ever had, and had enough blackmail material already. Although he knew this was different, he’d told her last week, and him having seen her fall for both Nyssa and Oliver meant that he was uniquely positioned to spot the differences, and to notice how much of her heart Ava was already holding onto before they’d even started thinking about dating. He was almost as invested in this as her. _

_ “I promise you I will let you know if anything changes,” sha agreed, Jax’s infectious grin spreading to her. “If it’s meant to be it’ll happen, right?” _

_ “Yeah,” Jax agreed, no longer teasing, instead smiling softly at the expression on her face, which was inevitably giving far too many of her feelings away. “It’ll happen. There’s just something about you guys - you seem inevitable. And I can’t wait to see where this goes.” _

He was  _ gone _ . He wasn’t ever going to walk through the door, he wasn’t ever going to come back and pull her into a hug and lightly berate her for being terrible at keeping in contact, he wasn’t going to be here to tease her about her love life - or lack thereof - or to be proud of her friendships and her job at the uni and how much she’d grown since he last saw her. 

Sara inhaled shakily, breath catching in her throat, one hand resting on her chest. Her fingers curled into her t-shirt, knuckles going white. 

She needed  _ Jax _ . 

She didn’t need a dinner. She didn’t want to  _ celebrate his life _ , which was the official reason she’d been given for meeting up this evening - she couldn’t face the idea of people  _ laughing _ and telling their favourite stories of him, not when tonight the thought of his smile alone was enough to bring tears to her eyes. 

They burned, and she despised it. 

Sara took another shaky breath, desperately trying to maintain a hold on the pieces that were fragmenting around her. Time, she concluded, wasn’t worth it. 

Someone tapped gently on the door to the apartment, and Sara closed her eyes. If she ignored it, they’d go away, that was how it was supposed to work. She couldn’t see anyone else right now, not when the one person she wanted to walk through that door was six feet underground and feeling further away than he ever had done in the past. Jax didn’t  _ knock gently _ , she thought for a moment, instantly wanting to both laugh and cry. 

The knock came again, followed by the sound of a key turning in the lock. It didn’t make sense, because Zari wouldn’t have knocked in the first place - there was no point knocking if she already had a key - but in her fuzzy, lost state Sara didn’t manage to put the pieces together. Perhaps Zari would just go to her room, and leave her here. It wasn’t as if she had switched the light on, and now that the evening was beginning to fade into night there was no evidence anyone was in the dimly lit apartment anyway. Sara exhaled shakily, tipping her head back against the wall, wishing that this unbearable ache would leave just long enough for her to catch her breath.

A tap came to her bedroom door and she ignored that too. 

Until Ava stuck her head around the door.

Sara tensed. “Get out.”

The heartbreak on Ava’s face as she caught sight of her sitting on the floor beneath her window with red rimmed eyes and hands that could barely disguise their tremors hit harder than anything Ava could have said to her. Ava tilted her head and gave her what might have been a smile, but if it was it was the most melancholy smile Sara had ever seen. She shouldn’t be here. Zari must have given her her key, but that didn’t give her any right to just walk in, not when Sara desperately wanted to be miserable in peace.

“Get out,” Sara murmured again, hating the way her voice cracked. She didn’t sound convincing enough. She pulled her knees up to her chest so she could rest her elbows against them, burying her face in her shaking fingers. She didn’t want Ava. She didn’t want anyone - if Jax couldn’t be here, she would rather be alone.

_ It’s never good when you’re alone. _ Jax had told her that after she moved to LA, making her promise that even if she wasn’t going to stay in contact with everyone, she’d keep in touch with him and Zari. Maybe Ray and Nate and Amaya too, he’d followed up with, knowing he was pushing it even back then. She’d kept her promise to him though, not that there was anyone to hold her accountable for that anymore.

Another beat passed, and then Ava made her way carefully across the room.

Sara closed her eyes, tipping her head pack to rest against the wall and doing her best to ignore Ava as she sat down beside her, barely making a sound. A siren wailed outside, temporarily masking the music and sounds of people talking and partying drifting down the street and through Sara’s open window. That was more fitting, Sara thought bitterly, unable to stop her thoughts from running away from her. The bright, sunshine-filled day they’d been having earlier couldn’t have been less suited to her mood - last year this day had been miserable, overcast and cloudy, but at least the weather then hadn’t been taunting her like it was today.

Ava sighed softly beside her. “Have you eaten?” she asked, and Sara shook her head. She didn’t need to eat, and be reminded of Jax sitting at the kitchen table in her first college dorm teasing her about her lack of cooking skills, or his mock-surprise when he’d visited her in LA and she’d cooked him the best pancakes he’d ever had.

All of this, everything, it was too much. 

She needed a distraction.

Ava murmured Sara’s name, gently curling one hand around her wrist, and Sara hoped she couldn’t feel how badly she was shaking from the effort of trying to hold herself together. Ava sighed again, brushing some hair from Sara’s face and tucking it neatly back behind her ear. Was it wrong, Sara wondered, that she was glad Ava was here? The more she tried to convince herself that she wanted to be left alone and given space to work through whatever buried emotions she needed to, the more she realised it was a lie - she had grown enough to recognise when she needed people, at least. And Ava had always been the person who could work out exactly how much support to give. Ava knew her, better than anyone else. 

“Is there anything I can do?” Ava asked quietly, gaze flickering over Sara’s face. “I know nothing can make this okay, but is there anything I can do to make you feel better?”

Sara shrugged halfheartedly, knowing it couldn’t have been less convincing if she tried. She wasn’t going to get the distraction she needed from Ava, because she  _ couldn’t.  _ They both knew what she usually fell back on when the world started feeling like it was falling apart at the seams, and they both knew that that couldn’t happen. She needed something that could make her  _ feel _ , something to fill her mind to capacity, something that would break her apart in a different way.

She needed a few too many drinks and a stranger she could pick up from the bar and a drunken bad decision. 

(Sara’s head flashed with memories of going home with the lewd customer with pretty eyes, messy hair and a nice enough smile, his breath tasting like beer and her head spinning with grief and the desperation to just forget, for this to not be real, for Jax to not be gone -) 

(Pretty eyes messy hair nice enough smile wasn’t here now. Ava was.) 

Ava caught her chin with two fingers and turned it towards her. “Talk to me,” she said, a little louder, a little more insistent. Her fingers were soft against Sara’s skin, and her breath was warm. She was too close. Close enough that she was making Sara want this  _ more _ , despite knowing it would be reckless and stupid and could ruin everything. She and Ava were waiting, that’s what they had decided, and anything else would be wrong.

Sex was a terrible coping mechanism anyway.

Her bottom lip was raw from the number of times she had chewed it that evening, but Sara couldn’t stop herself from digging her teeth into it yet again, tears collecting in her eyes and making them burn. She wanted someone to take her apart piece by piece and then put her back together again afterwards, this time with a heart that didn’t ache and lungs that didn’t burn and hands that weren’t still shaking. 

“Sara, what do you  _ need _ ?” Ava asked again, tenderly trailing her thumb across Sara’s cheek, genuinely waiting for an answer. Sara took a shaky breath. She’d assumed Ava could see right through her, and knew exactly what she wasn’t saying, only… clearly, she didn’t. 

Maybe she just thought better of her.

Somehow, that was what did it. Sara’s tears spilled down her cheeks and she harshly wiped them away. Before Ava could be even softer - or could look at her with even more concern and care and maybe more that Sara didn’t dare try to name when they’d only just gotten back from LA and she couldn’t figure out the  _ rules  _ of all this yet - Sara looked over at her, silent but with as much of a  _ look  _ as she could give, eyes pleading and apologetic and confused. 

“Oh,” Ava said quietly, and Sara almost pushed herself off the floor and ran. It seemed like she was doing a lot of wanting-to-run from Ava these last couple of weeks. 

“We should go to Maria’s place,” said Sara, weakly attempting to sidetrack. 

“Sara,” Ava said, and Sara didn’t know whether the fact that she still had a hand on Sara’s cheek made this all better or worse. 

“Everything just  _ hurts _ ,” Sara said in a rush, desperate to explain or justify turning a day about Jax into her own, twisted feelings of want and desire for Ava, “and the only way I know how to make it stop is - is just … feeling something  _ else.  _ Something good. Something that won’t make me want to not be in my own skin because every inch of me feels scrambled and wrong because Jax isn’t here.” 

“Sara, it’s okay,” said Ava quietly, and her thumb was soft as she traced it along Sara’s cheekbone. “You’re talking as though you’re not  _ allowed  _ to feel like this.” 

Sara furrowed her eyebrows in confusion. “Am I?” 

Ava smiled a little wryly. “Sara, I thought we established that I do actually want to sleep with you. Just … not -” 

“Not now,” finished Sara. “I know. That’s … that’s why I thought you would - I dunno. Be mad at me. For wanting to still use sex as a coping mechanism.” 

Ava’s bottom lip caught between her teeth. “We … we  _ could  _ -” 

“No,” Sara interrupted before she could even form the sentence. “Not like this. Not  _ because  _ of this.” 

Something resembling pride, relief and sadness flickered in Ava’s eyes and her free hand came up to squeeze Sara’s thigh. “I’m sorry,” she said, making Sara’s heart ache because she had nothing at all to be sorry for. 

“Don’t be,” she said immediately. “Please Aves, don’t - don’t apologise. You’re not the one who’s got fucked up ways of coping with shit.” 

“You’re not fucked up,” said Ava sternly, something she’d told Sara countless times before when there had been other moments like this, but not for years. “And -” Ava’s voice wavered a little. She bit her lip. “The thing is, if you weren’t - and I hate saying it like this because I still don’t think it’s fair -  _ waiting  _ for me, then you would, I dunno, call Constantine or whatever.” 

No matter how hard she tried Ava couldn’t help looking as if she’d swallowed something unpleasant, and Sara found herself snorting with unexpected amusement, which quickly dissolved into proper laughter at the new perplexed expression on Ava’s face. 

“What?”

Sara shook her head, but Ava lightly elbowed her, seeming more than a little confused by the sudden change in the mood. “Why are you laughing at me?” 

She sounded almost petulant, which only made Sara want to laugh more. “Because you’re so far from right,” she eventually told Ava, shrugging with a bashful grin. “Constantine and I stopped sleeping together pretty soon after I realised I had feelings for you.” 

She wasn’t really thinking about what she was saying but she saw the surprise register on Ava’s face anyway, flickering across her expression - along with recognition this time because she clearly  _ did _ remember Sara alluding to this back in LA - as she tried to process what this meant. Not that it had to mean anything, Sara attempted to convince herself - she and John had only stopped seeing each other because he’d realised. If he hadn’t… she doesn’t know where they would have ended up.

“Oh,” Ava said quietly, more to herself than to Sara. 

Sara swallowed, fiddling with her fingers in her lap until Ava placed one hand on top of them to stop her, squeezing her hand lightly.

“When was that?” she asked, tentative and curious, eyes fixed on Sara’s. Unlike back in LA, she now seemed to want details. Sara looked away. She’d promised Ava she’d tell her the truth and had no intention of lying to her now - but these feelings had been brewing for far too long and she wasn’t sure how to feel about Ava  _ knowing _ that. She wet her lips, and then met Ava’s eyes again. “Since right before Jordan got her promotion. Before you and Jordan even thought about breaking up. And I never would have done anything about them - you know I wanted you two to stay together if you could find a way to make that work - but… yeah. These feelings were there.”

She shrugged awkwardly, partly expecting Ava to pull away, but instead Ava nodded and squeezed her hand again. She didn’t sound as surprised as Sara expected, and the discomfort she had wondered about wasn’t there - instead, there was just recognition. Sara’s rapid heartbeat slowed back down. At least talking about this was a distraction from thinking about Jax, she supposed. 

Ava didn’t say anything else in response, and although the silence was comfortable for a while Sara’s drifting thoughts eventually got the better of her and she asked “is that weird for you?”

Ava shook her head. “No, no. It’s… you can’t help who you have feelings for, right?”

“You crept up on me.” Sara smiled bashfully. “...again.”

“You crept up on me too,” Ava admitted, “Even if it wasn’t until much later.”

The urge to ask more questions was strong enough that Sara didn’t even try to fight it. “When?”

“I’m not sure.” There was a pause, and Ava bit her lip. “After Jordan left we started spending so much time together and things just kind of … fell into place. Being around you feels so comfortable and  _ right _ that I guess this was inevitable. So uh - to bring this back to where we started - even though I can’t be the distraction you need right now like  _ that _ , I want to be.”

She didn’t look  _ upset _ , but there was a hint of something that made Sara’s heart twist a little and she brought Ava’s hand up to her lips, pressing a gentle, brief kiss to her knuckles. “When it’s the right time,” she said softly and Ava nodded, a small, affectionate smile gracing her lips.

Eventually, Ava shifted so she was sitting by Sara’s side once again, back against the wall, their fingers intertwined between them. She left Sara to think, her presence enough to stave off the worst of the desolate feelings from earlier. Jax would have affectionately teased her about this too, she thought for a split second, and then closed her eyes. 

“Would it be crossing a line if I asked to stay at yours tonight?” 

Ava turned to meet her eyes and Sara looked down at the floor. “Not - not like that, just. I don’t know when Z’s getting back and I… I could do with some company.”

Ava nodded, smile sweet and gentle and reassuring. She nudged Sara’s shoulder with her own, and Sara’s unease settled slightly, memories fading enough to make it easier to breathe. “Of course you can. I could do with the company too.”

* * *

** _January, 2010:_ **

** _   
_ ** ** _Facebook Messenger_ ** ** _   
_ ** _ (Sara Lance) _

_ Jefferson Jackson _   
** _Active now_ **

** _THURS 8:04PM_ **

** _   
_ ** _ yo lance  _

_   
_ _ yo jackson _

_   
_ _ guess. what.  _

_   
_ _ the centre of the city has opened up into a _ _   
_ _ huge bubbling crater of doom and we are  _ _   
_ _ about to be overrun by demons and other _ _   
_ _ creatures of unspeakable evil  _

_   
_ _ okay so clearly you’ve been binge _ _   
_ _ watching buffy all week _

_   
_ _ shut up everyone i know is in cute happy _ _   
_ _ relationships and i am trying to fill that _ _   
_ _ void okay  _

_ faith lehane is my dream girl _

_   
_ _ well maybe you’ll find her at SCU next _ _   
_ _ year  _

_ and maybe _

_ i can wingman you _

_ ;-)  _

_   
_ _ wait  _

_ what are you saying _

_   
_ _ take a guess lance!!!!  _

_   
_ _ FUCK OFF YOU’RE COMING TO SCU? _

_   
_ _ HELL YEAH BABY _

_   
_ _ JAX!!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!! _

_ GET OUTTA HERE _

_ I’M COMING OVER, WE GOTTA CELEBRATE _

_   
_ _ best four years of our lives, coming right up!!!! _

* * *

** _January, 2012:_ **

** _   
_ ** ** _Messenger_ ** ** _   
_ ** _ (Sara Lance) _

_ Jefferson Jackson _   
** _Active now_ **

** _SAT 8:06PM_ **

** _   
_ ** _ :)))))) _

_   
_ _ what do you want jefferson. _

_   
_ _ I happened to see you after class _ _   
_ _ today :))))))))) _

_   
_ _ which class??!? _

_   
_ _ :))))))) Ancient Middle Eastern history :))) _

_   
_ _ oh  _

_ right haha _

_ can we maybe noooot talk about this _

_   
_ _ AVA. KISSED YOU. HELLO. _

_   
_ _ SHUT UP.  _

_   
_ _ NOT A CHANCE.  _

_   
_ _ did ray or zari tell you _

_   
_ _ rAY AND ZARI KNEW?!!  _

_   
_ _ okay soooo before christmas break they _ _   
_ _ may or may not have caught me and ava _ _   
_ _ making out against my front door but i may _ _   
_ _ or may not have managed to convince them _ _   
_ _ not to say anything until ava and i had had _ _   
_ _ time to talk everything through and figure _ _   
_ _ out what was going on between us _

_   
_ _ UH HUH _

_ AND I ASSUME YOU HAVE HAD  _ _   
_ _ ADEQUATE TIME TO TALK IT _ _   
_ _ ALL THROUGH AND FIGURE OUT _ _   
_ _ WHAT IS GOING ON BETWEEN YOU _

_ WHICH IS  _

_ WHAT _

_ EXACTLY _

_   
_ _ jax  _

_ calm down before you literally combust _

_ but uh yeah :-) we’re dating  _

_   
_ _ FUCK YES _

* * *

  
  


** _January, 2014:_ **

** _   
_ ** ** _Messenger_ ** ** _   
_ ** _ (Sara Lance) _

_ Jefferson Jackson _   
** _Active now_ **

** _WED 5:19PM_ **

** _   
_ ** _ you seem stressed dude _

_   
_ _ ha _

_ museum opens in less than four months, _ _   
_ _ my honours thesis is due in like eight weeks, _ _   
_ _ there’s been a power cut in me & ava’s _ _   
_ _ apartment since sunday, my girlfriend is _ _   
_ _ so busy with her internship that i’ve barely _ _   
_ _ seen her since christmas break and i feel like _ _   
_ _ i’m constantly about to have a panic attack _

_   
_ _ milkshakes at billy’s? pick you up in 10? _

_   
_ _ pretty pretty pretty please <3 _

* * *

** _January, 2015:_ **

** _   
_ ** ** _Messenger_ ** ** _   
_ ** _ (Sara Lance) _

_ Jefferson Jackson _   
** _Active now_ **

** _TUES 11:29PM_ **

** _   
_ ** _ you better be free next weekend  _

_   
_ _ I think i am??? _

_ why?  _

_   
_ _ i’m coming to LA _

_   
_ _ WHAT _

_   
_ _ SURPRISE HAPPY LATE BIRTHDAY _

* * *

** _January, 2017:_ **

** _   
_ ** ** _Messenger_ ** ** _   
_ ** _ (Sara Lance) _

_ Jefferson Jackson _   
** _Active now_ **

** _MON 10:02AM_ **

** _   
_ ** _ hey  _

_ haven’t heard from you in a while _

_ you doing okay? _

_   
_ _ solid 6.5-7 out of 10 most days? _

_ which i’d call pretty good _

_ you back home from service???? _

_   
_ _ Ish? currently in canada, not SC :-(  _

_ but I should be home in a few months!!  _

_ you gonna be visiting star city anytime soon _ _   
_ _ or should I message Z and coordinate an _ _   
_ _ LA trip? _

_   
_ _ I’d probably bank on the second :-(  _

_ sorry dude i know it’s annoying _

_   
_ _ hell no  _

_ gives me an excuse to fly out to the land _ _   
_ _ of sun and beaches and drinking margaritas _ _   
_ _ at 10am!!!  _

_ flight to LA is nothing after afghanistan  _

_   
_ _ I love you jax _

_   
_ _ love you <3  _

* * *

** _January, 2020:_ **

** _   
_ ** ** _Messenger_ ** ** _   
_ ** _ (Sara Lance) _

_ Jefferson Jackson _   
** _Active 7 months ago._ **

** _FRI 3:19AM_ **

** _   
_ ** _ please come back _

_ just. _

_ reply to me.  _

_ miraculously.  _

_ just give me one more miracle _ _   
_ _ okay jax?  _

_ everything is both amazing and awful _ _   
_ _ all at once and you were the only one _ _   
_ _ who could make that weird in between _ _   
_ _ feel kind of like you were flying and god _ _   
_ _ jax, I just wanna hug you one more time _ _   
_ _ and see you smile and tell you not to go _ _   
_ _ on ‘one last tour’ and hear you say how  _ _   
_ _ proud you are of me because you were _ _   
_ _ also the only person who seemed to be  _ _   
_ _ proud of me no matter who i was or _ _   
_ _ where i was or what i was doing and i _ _   
_ _ fucking miss you so much jax please _ _   
_ _ just come back _

_ i’ll even make you pancakes. _

* * *

The thing she wanted most right now was the ability to see Jax, or even talk or text, because she knew he’d be supportive of her and Ava exploring the feelings which had developed between them, but he’d be supportive in the right way - not too pushy, not too involved, focused on the questions that mattered and making sure she was certain she was doing the right thing here. And besides, she hadn’t meant to tell him last the first time. Things had just happened that way, and she would have liked a chance to rectify that by letting him be the perfect wingman now.

(She liked to think Jax already knew what was going on, wherever he was now. He’d be proud, she knew it. Proud and excited and determined to help her do this the right way.)

Nate was wonderful. Ray was thoughtful and sweet and the most considerate person she had ever met. Mick was an excellent listener, and all of the girls were kind and wanted the best for both her and Ava. But none of them had Jax’s ability to tease her whilst simultaneously raising the right points and offering her some lighthearted, much needed support, and she missed it dearly. Even in the years she was away, Jax had always been ready to back her up. 

Perhaps the reason she wanted to talk to him about her, and Ava, and  _ her and Ava _ so badly was because he wasn’t there, and so nothing she could have told him would have any impact on the dynamic of their friendship group or on any other relationships. That was the issue with telling anyone else - it would change things. And more than that, Sara was terrified that they would tell her, instantly, how bad of an idea this was. 

As if she and Ava didn’t already know the risks they were taking.

As if they weren’t aware of how much they were putting on the line and how badly this could backfire and how cautious and careful and certain they needed to be.

Yeah, she couldn’t tell the others anything right now, not even that she and Ava  _ might _ try things again once the timing was better and  _ might _ have had a taste of what things could be like when they were in LA. 

“You with me Sara?” Ray asked, and Sara made a vague sound of agreement, looking up. They’d been sitting in the park for a while now enjoying the bright sunshine, right at the edge of the painted soccer pitch that they’d spent hours kicking a ball about on with Jax when they were younger. Sometimes it was odd to think that she had known both Jax and Ray for this long, since back when they were just kids with no idea what life had in store for them. Back when they hadn’t yet grown up or moved away, or fallen in love or found the group of people they wanted to spend the rest of their lives with. Back when they’d had so much to learn, so much to do. 

When they’d had so much less to lose. 

Sara smiled at Ray, locking some secrets away. She and Ava would keep this quiet until the time was right. “I’m just thinking,” she said, and Ray nodded.

“About Jax?”

Sara nodded, and Ray hummed in agreement. “It’s hard to believe it’s been a year, you know? - so much has happened, and yet it feels like he was here a few months ago.”

“Time’s a bit fucked in my head at the moment,” Sara admitted, and Ray nodded for a second time. He tilted his head to watch her pick at the grass, leaving a long pause before he spoke. 

“We missed you the other night,” he said eventually, eyes kind, not pushing for an explanation (because she was still  _ Sara _ and any of them could have guessed that she’d chosen to hide herself away and let her emotions tear her apart until someone found her) but still offering his gentle support. “Maria missed you too.”

That was one thing she did regret from the other night - Maria probably needed their support too, and she hadn’t been there to give it. “I’ll go visit her later this week,” Sara said with a small shrug. “It’s been forever since I saw her. And I probably owe her an apology for missing the dinner, I’m sure it was beautiful.”

Ray lightly nudged her shoulder. “Hey, we all get it. I know you had a lot to process last year - Ava, Jordan, being back here. I was honestly quite astounded how quickly you were able to process Jax’s death after you came back.” 

Sara grimaced sheepishly. “I don’t think I actually did. Probably why I cracked so bad the other day.” The look on Ray’s face told Sara that he knew that already, and she shook her head with a quiet chuckle, leaning her forehead against his shoulder. 

“Maria was worried about you, more than anything else,” Ray said kindly. “We all were, that’s why Ava borrowed Zari’s key and came to check up on you.”

At that, Sara couldn’t stop the corners of her lips from curling up into a smile. She’d assumed that was how Ava had ended up in her apartment, but she’d forgotten to ask in the midst of everything else that was going on. “Why Ava?” she asked softly, biting her tongue as soon as she had spoken.

Was the question too obvious? She didn’t mean to give anything away, but she couldn’t help it. The part of her heart that was still a little fragile and more open than usual wanted to hear what Ray had to say. Thankfully though, he considered her question for a moment and seemed to interpret it as residual uncertainty from her time away rather than new, developing uncertainty about where she and Ava were heading now. 

He tapped his fingers against his leg, deep in thought. “Because you’ve been there for her so much over these past few months, and you’ve grown close again because of it. And there’s the fact that you know each other so well too - she knows what you’re like, Sara, she knows better than any of us how much you struggle at times like these, and she’s the best one to be there for you. You having dated in the past - no matter how long ago it was - means you know each other intimately enough to have this unspoken communication and underlying trust. It’s not something I can relate to, because I’ve never been best friends with any of my exes - few people have, to be honest - but I can still see it. And it’s good for you both.”

“It is,” Sara agreed, smile careful but affectionate and soft and holding endless unspoken feelings. 

“I’m glad you two have each other again,” Ray added softly, smiling back. Once again Sara kept her thoughts to herself. She was glad they had each other too - the closer she and Ava became, the more she wondered how she had managed to go five years without her in her life. “You’re good at looking out for each other,” Ray added, “ you always were. And I think you both need that right now.”

He only knew half of the story, but that didn’t make him any less right. She and Ava _ did  _ need each other. They needed the support each other could offer, and the friendship and gentle, cautious, growing affection, and the freedom they managed to give each other when they were around. She needed Ava’s laugh and her smile, her warm touch and her casual glances. She needed everything Ava was willing to give her, because she wanted to relearn how to trust and to love and to be loved in return.

And at the perfect time, the world had brought them slowly back together to give her the chance she hadn’t known she was waiting for.


	21. i just wanna be somebody to someone (someone to you)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "She was falling so hard and so fast for Ava, and LA had done absolutely nothing to slow it down, but now they were back and nobody - not even John - knew what had happened while they were away and all Sara wanted to do now was catch Ava’s eye across the room during group potlucks and feel that fluttering in her stomach at the warmth in Ava’s gaze, or rest a hand on Ava’s knee under the table during drinks at Verdant, or fix Ava’s hair when it was tousled out of place. But she couldn’t. Those moments could only exist when they were alone, because nobody knew and Ava wasn’t ready, and Sara was okay with both of those things - she just didn’t know how to navigate any of this.
> 
> Apparently, what she could do was watch far too many people flirt with Ava instead and not be able to say anything about it."
> 
> OR
> 
> it turns out when you're almost dating someone but not actually dating them yet, it's a little bit confusing to the say the least. jealousy (and soft pride and prejudice movie nights) ensue. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi guys! 
> 
> happy thusday / friday! as always, hope u are all doing okay and staying safe X 
> 
> and with this week comes the Long Awaited jealousy chapter. we never really wanted to make sara jealous of jordan bc we loved jordan and she was Good for ava, and there were too many complex friendship threads in there. but! now! WE HAVE THIS OPPORTUNITY so enjoy :-) we absolutely love these few chapters at the moment and we hope you guys will yell at us about them as much as we yelled abt them with each other! 
> 
> just as an FYI also! we will not be uploading a chapter next week! this week was like. unbelievably stressful. we both had insane amounts of uni work (I had 5 assignments due in 4 days and I still have 2 to finish lol) and we didn't get any writing done. buuuut we love this chapter and wanted to give u something with a bit more avalance to wait on for two weeks while we caught up on our writing schedule SO! this chapter is a whopping 10k which for the hsau wasn't much but it massive for this fic, so savour it! enjoy it! and one of my absolute FAVOURITE chapters will be coming at u in 2 weeks!!!! 
> 
> also! hope u are all enjoying the new episodes of legends! we are both so happy it's back and we have been losing our mind at these last few episodes, nothing quite gets us hyped the way legends does!! let us know what you're excited abt for the next episodes or what you've loved abt these ones X
> 
> (p.s. chapter title is from someone to you by BANNERS and lemme tell u rn. it is the most perfect song for this chapter. go listen to it if u haven't. for real.)

** _August, 2020:_ **

It was the middle of summer so thankfully Sara had less work to do than earlier in the year and much more free time, but she had still spent most of the bright sunny morning at her desk in the almost empty university, attempting to prepare for the new academic year which was just around the corner. Though she hadn’t been formally promoted, her job description had changed a lot since she started working at SCU and the museum last September, and now included helping Nate and Professor Laurens draft new and adapt old classes that would be on offer over the coming year. Today though, she hadn’t quite been able to focus. Her mind had been drifting all morning, distracted by ways she could spend this afternoon that would be much more exciting. Part of her - the romantic, sappy part that hadn’t made an appearance since college - wanted to ask Ava to come for a walk and surprise her with a picnic, and spend the next few hours lazing in the warm sunshine and losing themselves in each other. They couldn’t do that though, not yet at least. 

Taking things slow didn’t mean going on mid-afternoon dates in places where anyone could see them.

As if on cue, there was a tap on the office door and Ava poked her head around, grinning when she noticed that Sara was already packing up. “Do you want to come to the beach?” she asked, not even bothering with an introduction.

Sara laughed, tipping her head back, the sunlight streaming through the window accidentally catching in her hair. “Yeah. Yeah - I really do, I was looking for something to do later and that’s perfect.”

“I got off work early,” Ava explained, coming further into the office. “They’re being nice - I think they’re just glad to still have me here, because they were convinced I would move to London.”

_ I was too, briefly _ , Sara thought, but ignored it. Today wasn’t the day for that. They’d already talked about it, and moved on. 

“I drove here straight from work,” Ava said, “I need to go home and change, and we can stop at yours so you can change and grab anything you need to. But let’s go.”

Her eyes seemed brighter than they had since Jordan left, and she was looking at Sara in delight - there was no way Sara could ever have said no to her. She shoved her papers into her bag and slung it over one shoulder, grabbing her keys so she could lock the office and then following Ava down the corridor. Ava’s energy was infectious, her excitement pouring off of her and soaking into Sara too. She loved seeing Ava like this, and it had been such a long time - there was something about the way her eyes sparkled that made Sara’s heart skip a beat and her breath catch in her throat and her smile feel as though her cheeks were bursting. When she was happy, Ava was magnetic, and Sara couldn’t help but be drawn closer and closer and closer.

That was allowed now, and the thought sent a thrill straight through her.

“We might be able to get ice cream too,” Ava grinned, and Sara’s eyes lit up.

“Is that shop down the far end of the beach still there?”

“The one with all the weird flavours you always tried to persuade me to get? Yeah. Still going strong.”

Sara’s smile widened. She’d spent every single trip to the beach in college attempting to convince Ava to branch out and try something new, and she’d never been successful. Maybe now was her chance though. They were different people, after all. Five years was a long time.

Ava rolled her eyes, as if she already knew what Sara was thinking. “A lot has changed since we last bought ice cream there, but ‘Unicorn’ is still not a real flavour.”

“It is! And you’d know that if you tried it!”

Even exasperated, Ava still managed to look excited and delighted and as if she was having the best time she’d had all week teasing her. “Get in the car,” she joked, rolling her eyes yet again and opening the drivers side door. Sara’s lips twitched, but she did as Ava told her. They were going to spend their afternoon together in one of their favourite places, but surprisingly it didn’t feel like  _ before _ . It felt like  _ now _ , like they were two people starting over, laying their foundations in places they knew they loved and building this back up from the start. Things were never going to be like they were when they dated during college, but Sara didn’t want them to be - they were going to be better. 

They’d barely been at the beach two seconds when Ava kicked off her shoes, tossing them into the trunk of the car so she didn’t have to carry them around. Sara’s smile from before hadn’t really faded, but Ava caught her looking and assumed (rightly) that the grin was for her. “What?” she asked, and Sara shook her head a little.

“It’s nothing.”

“What is it though?”

Sara bit her lip, fighting back yet another smile. She wasn’t sure her thoughts would mean anything to Ava, but since she now had the freedom to say what she was thinking out loud, she might as well make use of it. “I love how much you love this place,” she said quietly, and Ava’s expression softened.

“ ‘course I love it. It’s a  _ beach _ , Sara, and I’m from California - I think it’s in my bones.”

There was more to it than that and they both knew it, and Sara wanted to make sure Ava heard her even if she wasn’t going to acknowledge it. “It’s just… it’s special to me, so it means a lot that it’s special to you too.”

Strangely, this beach was one of the few places that hadn’t been tainted by Ava’s memory when she had come back to Star City. Maybe it was because the only time she’d been back here since was the night of Quentin’s death, and she’d had far too many things to focus on then that the beach didn’t make the cut. She only had good memories of being here, anyway. Good, idyllic, happy memories. A lot of them involving Ava in cute bikinis with wet hair and a light tan looking so incredible that it should have been illegal, but Sara was absolutely not going to think about that right now.

Well.

Maybe a little.

Ava didn’t say anything else on the subject, but the way her eyes crinkled at the corners gave enough of her thoughts away. Sara perched on the edge of the open car trunk to untie her shoelaces and then placed her shoes neatly inside, closing the boot behind her. When Ava held out a hand she took it, and let Ava drag her down to the sand.

They only made it a little way onto the beach before Ava stopped and smiled brightly, spinning around with her arms out, breathing in deep and relishing in the way she could taste the sea in the air. There were kids playing nearby and plenty of families here for the afternoon, but compared to what Sara had been expecting the beach was fairly empty. She wiggled her toes in the sand, looking up just in time to see Ava laugh, beautiful and unrestrained. “I could never have moved away,” Ava said, eyes sparkling. “I’d have missed all of this.”

_ This _ probably meant the beach and the beautiful weather, but Sara couldn’t help but wonder whether Ava meant more than that. She didn’t have time to mull over it though, because when Ava tipped her head back to take in the sun her hair shifted, falling in golden waves around her shoulders, and Sara immediately found other things to concentrate on. Ava had changed quickly earlier into a simple tank top and shorts, not putting any thought into the outfit other than comfort, but she looked at ease and content in a way that set off the butterflies in Sara’s stomach. She looked beautiful, in a subtle, breathtaking way. She looked at home here.

The smile on her face belonged there too, and seeing it back in its place only emphasised how much it had been missing over the difficult last few months. 

“I’d have missed you,” Sara admitted, for the first time since she and Ava had talked about their feelings in LA. She bit her tongue to stop herself from saying any more. They were taking things slow. Ava seemed to hear what she wasn’t saying though, pausing for a moment and then reaching out, offering Sara her hand for a second time and leading her down towards the sea. 

“It’ll be cold,” Sara warned her, teasing. The Ava she’d been to this beach with before had winced every time the icy water first lapped at her toes. 

Ava’s expression turned mischievous and she shrugged. “Maybe I’ve changed.”

Sara laughed. Ava had changed, it was true, but she was still  _ Ava _ and the way she shivered as she dipped her toe into the sea proved it. Sara took a few steps forward, pulling Ava in behind her, their joined hands getting splashed by droplets of water which glistened in the sun as the waves rose, broke, and then raced up to the shoreline. 

Sara looked around, trying her hardest to commit this moment to memory. It was odd to think she had almost missed it - there were so many choices she could have made differently, choices that wouldn’t have led her here. But for once, things had gone the right way.

* * *

** _December, 2011:_ **

_ She woke up to find Ava watching her, gentle smile that Sara probably wasn’t supposed to see fixed firmly on her face. It still felt like a novelty waking up with Ava by her side - although she expected it to still feel novel the fourth time, and the fifth time, and the fiftieth and five hundredth times too. The warm arm draped comfortably over her hip felt as if it was always meant to be there. The bed smelt like Ava’s familiar perfume and her new shampoo, and Sara couldn’t help but wonder how long that would remain - when she fell asleep that night, would it still feel as though she was wrapped in Ava’s embrace? When she woke up the next morning, would this moment still be so vivid, every sense heightened by Ava’s proximity, every detail standing out because it was  _ ** _all _ ** _ perfect and  _ ** _all _ ** _ beautiful and  _ ** _all _ ** _ stealing the breath right from her lungs? _

_ Before her thoughts could wander further Ava reached out, tucking Sara’s hair back behind her ear, thumb trailing down her cheekbone and pausing near her lips and making the butterflies in Sara’s stomach flutter irrationally. They’d only been dating a month, but she was gone. She so, so far gone. _

_ She wanted nothing more than to lean forward and close the space between them, and there was no way back from here. She couldn’t imagine a moment in her life that Ava Sharpe wouldn’t feature in.  _

_Although - this had happened so suddenly. Well, no, it hadn’t been sudden, she’d seen the way Ava had looked at her, and she’d known there was _**_something_** _there,_ _but she’d barely been able to convince herself it wasn’t a dream until she heard Ava’s confirmation out loud. But now they were... what? Was it too soon to call Ava her girlfriend, even though there was nothing she wanted more?_

_ Was it too soon to make assumptions about what Ava wanted out of this? (were they assumptions? Ava was still gazing at her as if she had hung the stars in the sky, and sure, sometimes she was bad at reading signals, but there was no way she could have misread this.) _

_ Ava brought Sara’s knuckles up to her lips, pressing a gentle kiss to each one. “Busy thinking?” she asked softly, and Sara smiled bashfully, cheeks flushing. _

_ “Maybe.” _

_ “Can I ask what about?” _

_ Heat crept up Sara’s neck, cheeks flushing yet again. “You.” _

_ Ava bit her lip to fight back her growing smile, and Sara pulled the blankets up to cover her face. God, when had Ava turned her into a romantic? Cool chill calm suave Sara Lance had taken a hike the moment Ava’s lips first touched hers and hadn’t been seen since.  _

_ Ava only waited a second or two before she tugged the blankets away, eyes sparkling. Sara was yet again filled with the overwhelming urge to kiss her, but hesitated. _

_ “What about me?” Ava asked, using the pause to slip smoothly back into their conversation.  _

_ Sara shook her head. “Nothing, really. I was just wondering, about… this.” _

_ “What about it?” _

_ It was dumb, to be overthinking this when Ava had given her every single sign that she wanted a relationship, and that she wanted  _ ** _her_ ** _ . It was even more dumb to be overthinking this when Ava was lying in her bed next to her, fingers intertwined with hers, gaze gentle and affectionate and clearly enjoying every second of this just as much as she was. Ava probably had just as many daydreams about the future as she did. _

_ Sara looked away, eyelashes fluttering against her cheeks, before letting her gaze drift back to meet Ava’s. “Just… we’re really doing this?” _

_ “We’re really doing this,” Ava confirmed, nodding as best as she could whilst lying in bed. “That’s… if you want to.? _

_ Sara blinked, surprised, unaware that she’d ever given off any other impression. “‘Course I want to Aves.” She laughed softly as Ava’s smile widened. “This is - well, you know. It makes my heart pound in my chest and sends my brain for a loop and makes my stomach flutter in all the right ways and it’s impossible to believe it’s only been a couple weeks because it feels like it was always meant to be. I want this. I want you.” _

_ This time it was Ava’s turn to flush, and she distracted herself for a moment by tracing a circle across Sara’s palm, touch light enough that Sara might not have noticed had it been anyone else. (It was Ava, though. Ava’s touch was different somehow - no matter how light, it sent tingles running up her arm, like light bursting through her veins.) “You’re sure?” Ava asked, almost a whisper. _

_ “I’ve never been more sure of anything.” _

_ She couldn’t imagine not loving Ava this way. _

* * *

Sara had never been in this situation before. One where she had a crush (crush was entirely the wrong word because Ava was so much more than that) that she knew was reciprocated, but she couldn’t flirt, couldn’t anticipate what was to come, couldn’t  _ talk  _ to anyone about it or roll her eyes and flush if people teased her about her feelings, because nobody knew. 

Nobody knew she liked Ava (except John, and Jordan, and Ava obviously), so to everybody else Ava was still heartbroken over Jordan and still trying to piece herself back together. And that part was true, which made Sara’s pining and wishing and wanting so much  _ worse _ , because somehow, even after Jordan had given Sara her approval, even after she and Ava were on the same page about there being  _ something  _ between them, Sara didn’t know what she was doing.

She was falling so hard and so fast for Ava, and LA had done absolutely nothing to slow it down, but now they were back and nobody - not even John - knew what had happened while they were away and all Sara wanted to do now was catch Ava’s eye across the room during group potlucks and feel that fluttering in her stomach at the warmth in Ava’s gaze, or rest a hand on Ava’s knee under the table during drinks at  _ Verdant _ , or fix Ava’s hair when it was tousled out of place. But she couldn’t. Those moments could only exist when they were alone, because nobody knew and Ava wasn’t ready, and Sara was okay with both of those things - she just didn’t know how to navigate any of this.

Apparently, what she  _ could  _ do was watch far too many people flirt with Ava instead and not be able to say anything about it. 

It had been almost two months since Jordan left, and it had of course become common knowledge among Ava’s circles. Work colleagues, old college friends, that book club she and Nora (of all people) were in - they’d all been sweet and supportive and apologetic for the unexpected turn of events between Jordan and Ava, but now, enough time had passed that a few people were making advances. Which, why wouldn’t they, Sara thought to herself even as she grit her teeth and attempted not to break the glass she was drying as she watched from behind the bar at  _ Verdant _ as the new girl from Ava’s office offered Ava a flirtatious smile and leaned a little closer to Ava than a friend would have. Ava was pretty. Hell, Ava was  _ gorgeous  _ and Sara knew that all too well. But to the world, Ava was also single, and honestly, Sara didn’t even know if the ‘one day’ arrangement the two of them had made in LA counted as Ava being  _ taken.  _ Regardless. Sara knew she had no right to be possessive or jealous right now, nor could she do anything about this pretty new office girl, or the charming and beautiful barista at Ava’s regular coffee place whose backwards cap and flannel shirt was evidence enough that she wasn’t straight and who had been eyeing Ava from across the room the whole time she and Sara had gotten coffee there last week. 

“What’s up with you?” 

Sara startled a little, her eyes flickering away from Ava and flirty chatty pretty  _ Kylie _ standing way too close and smiling way too suggestively. From in front of her, Thea raised a questioning eyebrow, pushing her now-empty glass towards Sara. 

“What?” said Sara. 

“I said, what’s up with you?” Thea repeated, concern flashing in her eyes. “You okay? You seem really out of it.” 

Sara shook her head. “Yeah, I’m okay,” she said, putting down the glass she’d been drying and reaching down to grab a new bottle of the gin Thea had been drinking to pour her a new glass. “Sorry. Body is still a little on LA time.” 

Thea seemed to take that and she rested her chin on her knuckles. “You have a good time out there?” 

Instantly, the memory of Ava’s lips on hers flashed through Sara’s brain - the flickering lanterns, the softness of Ava’s fingers as they brushed over the skin of Sara’s neck, curling into her hair - 

“Yeah,” she said, hoping Thea didn’t pick up on the hoarseness in her voice. She cleared her throat a little. “Really good. It was nice to see everyone again.” 

“Well speaking of catching up,” said Thea, pulling her newly refilled class towards her as Sara topped off the gin & tonic with an extra large slice of lemon. “Because my brother was off galavanting through Europe in May, Mom insists on throwing him a belated big 30th birthday soiree sometime in the next few months. Won’t be anytime soon because you know my mom and how extravagant she likes to plan her parties, but once we have a date, you think you can get Laurel to take a weekend off to fly out here for it? I haven’t seen her in forever and it would be really cool if she could come.” 

“For a Queen party?” said Sara, grinning. “I’ll tell her she doesn’t have a choice.” 

“Perfect,” Thea said with a laugh. 

Before Sara could reply, Ava had appeared to Thea’s left, cheeks flushed both from wine and the temperature in the club (and not Kylie’s flirting, Sara hoped). 

“Hey!” Ava said, smiling widely. “Could we get another couple of bottles for the table?” 

“Yeah, ‘course,” said Sara. “Same wine?” 

“Yes please,” said Ava, and Sara realised suddenly - as she reached over to grab the bottle of red and bottle of white that Ava and her colleagues always ordered when they came here after work - that the two people sitting in front of her at that moment were two people Sara hadn’t seen at the same time in over six years. Ava glanced over just as Sara placed the bottles on the counter in front of her, eyes widening when she saw Thea. “Thea?” 

Sara could see the momentary shock on Thea’s face shift into barely a second of delightful recognition and then something more distant. Her smile was polite and cheerful, but Sara could see the purposeful fierceness in her eyes. 

“Ava!” she said brightly. “Hi! It’s been - god, who even fucking knows anymore, what, six and a half years? Seven?” 

“Sorry, give me a second to catch up on hearing Thea Queen swear,” said Ava with a bewildered laugh, seemingly not noticing the slight edge to Thea’s demeanour. 

“You never heard her swear before this?” said Sara, arching an eyebrow. “Wow, clearly she was super polite whenever you were around. Oliver taught her some real gems when she was a kid.” 

Thea rolled her eyes, giving Sara a small shove. “Fuck off.” 

“I think I heard you were at SCU right?” said Ava. 

Thea nodded. “Yeah, gonna be a junior this year. You guys must feel super old, huh?” 

“Be aware that I have the power to not serve you any more alcohol if you insult me,” deadpanned Sara. “And I’ll do it too Speedy.” 

“Okay, old joke rescinded!” said Thea quickly, eyes glinting. “Although I saw a grey hair on Ollie last time he was home. Maybe you should be checking too.” 

“You’re cut off -” Sara started threateningly and Thea grabbed her glass and slipped off her stool. 

“I’ll leave you and your elderly temper in peace,” she said teasingly, saluting. “Catch you later Ava!” She disappeared into the crowd behind her, and Sara scoffed exasperatedly, pushing the bottles of wine towards Ava. 

“Didn’t think it was possible that 21 year old Thea would be more annoying than 13 year old Thea but here we are,” she said. 

“I just can’t believe she’s 21,” said Ava, shaking her head. “Holy  _ shit. _ ” 

“Yeah,” Sara said with a soft chuckle. “I ran into her at SCU in October and it took me ages to register that she isn’t a teenager anymore. I guess I’m used to it after like, six months of seeing her getting drunk with her friends here every other weekend.” 

“That’s even weirder,” said Ava, wrinkling her nose. “I remember her trying some of Oliver’s beer once and looking like she wanted to puke.” 

Sara snorted. “I remember that.” 

Ava paused, eyes flickering to where Thea had joined her friends in a far corner of the club, before her gaze darted back to Sara with a newfound hesitance. “She’s probably not my biggest fan, huh?” 

Sara’s throat went a little dry. “What do you mean?”

“Come on Sara,” said Ava, giving her a  _ look.  _ “You’re like family to her. I can imagine she probably doesn’t like the girl who broke your heart so badly she made you run away to LA.” 

“Thea knows our breakup was mutual,” Sara tried to argue. 

“Still broke both of us though,” said Ava, voice a little softer. “If I was her, I’d hate me too.” 

Sara bit her lip, fiddling with the lid to an empty bottle of whiskey. “I thought maybe you wouldn’t catch her being … y’know. Thea.” 

Ava smiled, both sadly and wryly. “Hey, I spent two years babysitting that girl with you. I know her tells.” Ava’s eyes flickered down to Sara’s hands, now gripping a whiskey bottle far too tightly, and the briefest, smallest frown appeared on her face for a split second. “Are you okay?”

Sara blinked, pushing the bottle aside. She wasn’t sure Ava had even noticed Kylie’s flirting, and there was no reason to bring it up … yet even as the voice in her head told her to keep her mouth shut, she pointedly ignored it and said as brightly as she could, “Is that girl you were talking to new? I don’t recognise her.” 

Thankfully, Ava didn’t seem to pick up on any jealousy in her voice. “Yeah, that’s Kylie! She just started working at the office a few weeks ago. She’s really cool, you’d like her!” 

“I bet,” said Sara, resisting the urge to grit her teeth. She was being irrational. She  _ knew _ she was being irrational. She just wished she could stop herself before she said something that would give her away. She gestured towards the bottles of wine Ava was holding, thankfully noticing someone else walking up to the bar who needed serving. “I’ll leave you to it,” she said, and Ava smiled warmly at her before making her way back to the table.

When Sara glanced back over a moment later Kylie’s hand was resting lightly on Ava’s arm, and she tossed the empty bottle still on the bar into the bin below it a little too harshly. 

“I’m taking my break now,” she told Nellie, before slipping out of the back door and leaning against the wall in the alley behind the club. Ava wasn’t  _ hers _ , she attempted to tell herself, mildly infuriated by her reaction to the situation. She didn’t have any right to be jealous because she and Ava  _ weren’t _ together, not yet at least. But now she’d started thinking she couldn’t stop, and even though waiting had seemed like a great suggestion at the time, she couldn’t help but wonder whether Ava still wanted that at all.

* * *

Sara thought she’d managed to push these uncertainties from her mind for the time being, but she clearly hadn’t. She hadn’t mentioned it, because there was no one to mention it to - and besides, it sounded a little ridiculous.  _ The girl who said she’d want to date me sometime in the future might have changed her mind and I’m scared to mention it in case I’m being unreasonable and it’s driving me insane because I can’t stop thinking about it and then thinking some more and - _

She was being ridiculous. 

Sara messaged Ava to let her know that she was outside her apartment, and then shoved her phone back into the back pocket of her jeans. Nate had given her a lift home after their movie and wine night the night before, so she’d had to walk back over after work to collect her car, along with her jacket and anything else she might have left at Ava’s. Now was  _ not  _ the time to be thinking about Kylie. Or the cute barista. Or the complete stranger who’s gaze had flickered over Ava as if trying to judge whether or not she was single when they were out for dinner as a friendship group last week. 

But she couldn’t help it, the more attention other people paid to Ava the more she felt this eating her up inside, her desire to make sure Ava knew that she wanted her and would do anything for her growing every time they saw each other. It wasn’t helped by Ava looking stunning either - the way her hair cascaded over her shoulders was enough to make anyone weak at the knees, and when she smiled … Sara bit her lip, thoughts drifting.

Ava opened the door and smirked at her, one eyebrow raised. “Hungover?”

This wasn’t fair.

The world must have been conspiring against her, because Ava was dressed as though she’d just gotten back from the gym in tight leggings and a sports bra and a tank top that was just thin enough to tease the abs underneath. Sara’s brain - groggy from the late night and still a little unfocused from a few too many drinks and bubbling with frustration and jealousy and  _ want  _ and insecurity, immediately conjured up the unwelcome thought that Kylie would be all over Ava if she could see her like this. Sara grit her teeth, trying to flatten the urge to take a step forward and meet Ava’s lips with her own and kiss her until they’d both forgotten their own names and Ava remembered what she could have right  _ here _ , what the cute pretty funny new girl in her office could never give her. Sara wanted Ava to  _ notice  _ her. She wanted to trace the soft curve of Ava’s lips with her tongue and feel her gasp like she had in LA, she wanted to tangle her fingers in Ava’s hair and pull her closer and -

Ava’s eyes flickered over her and then she took a step back, opening the door wider to let Sara in. Sara swallowed. God, she needed to get a grip. 

They weren’t even dating. Sara was well aware she had no  _ right  _ to be thinking any of these things about Ava, to feel this ridiculous, possessive claim over the woman who for all intents and purposes, was still just her ex and friend. 

“You’re quiet,” commented Ava. 

“Tired,” said Sara shortly, shoving her hands in the back pockets of her jeans. There was a flicker of something on Ava’s face - surprise at Sara’s clipped tone perhaps, maybe even a touch of hurt and insecurity, but it morphed into recognisable irritation that made something indignant flare in Sara’s chest. “What?” she demanded before she could stop herself. “Am I not allowed to be tired?” 

Ava frowned. “What are you having a go at me for? You’re just - off. I wanted to know if you were okay.” 

“I’m fine,” said Sara. “Like I said, I’m ti-” 

“Tired, yeah, I heard you the first time,” said Ava, her voice with a harder edge than before. Sara watched as she paused for a second, shook her head and let out a slow breath. “Did you have work today?” she asked, and the hardness before was gone, and it left Sara with a frothing guilt in the base of her stomach. (Of course she was going to ruin this, getting antsy about something that wasn’t even Ava’s fault, pushing her away because apparently Sara was completely incapable of dealing with a little bit of jealousy.) 

“At the museum, yeah,” she quickly remembered to reply. “Me ‘n Simon had to do some inventory work on some of the older exhibits.” 

“Simon,” said Ava. “That’s uh - the guy with curly hair? Glasses? From the Classics department right?” 

“When we were in college,” Sara said. “Now he works full time at the museum. He’s a cool guy - really good friends with Nate, I think. He usually goes on the annual archaeology digs.” 

“Oh,” said Ava, nodding a little oddly. “Cool.” 

There was a weird layer of awkwardness between them, a discomfort and uncertainty of what to say, what to do, that hadn’t been here in months. A quiet voice in the back of Sara’s head whispered  _ maybe you two aren’t as perfect together as you thought. Maybe you still don’t work together. _

Sara cleared her throat. “Can I have my jacket?” 

Ava’s jaw clenched visibly and she let out a quiet, humourless laugh. “Yeah Sara,” she said flatly. “Sure.” 

“What?” Sara demanded again, the exhaustion frustration rearing its ugly head again and taking over her emotional centre. “What’s your problem Ava?” 

“You,” said Ava immediately, pushing her hair off her face. “You’re my problem. Because how the hell am I supposed to put any kind of trust in some kind of future relationship between us when you still act so stand-offish and uncivil and immature? When you don’t even give me any kind of explanation, or meet me halfway? What does that say about the kind of person you’ll be if we  _ do  _ eventually get back together?” 

“If?” echoed Sara, silently praying that she could mask in her voice the sudden overwhelming fear she felt. ( _ If?  _ She thought that she and Ava were going to be a  _ when.  _ Not an  _ if. _ ) “I mean, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. You don’t seem like your heart’s a hundred percent in this anyway.” 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” said Ava sharply. “I  _ told  _ you where I stand Sara. I’m still getting over Jordan - you know what this is like. Getting over someone. I thought you’d be more understanding -” 

“I’m not talking about Jordan!” hissed Sara before she could stop herself. 

“Then what the fuck are you talking about?” said Ava, throwing her arms in the air exasperatedly. “God Sara, just use your damn words for once in your life and tell me what the hell you mean.” 

A mixture of bitterness, stubbornness and reluctant insecurity made Sara sink her teeth into her bottom lip and stay silent. 

Ava scoffed, rolling her eyes. “What did I even expect?” She shook her head, and when she spoke again, her voice was shaking. “You know what Sara? Maybe this was a mistake. Maybe we should just let go of this whole useless idea of us getting back together before it can blow up in our faces.” 

Sara’s heart went cold. 

This. 

This was what she was afraid of. 

This was what had happened six years ago. 

This was what she needed five years and a different city across the country to get over. 

This was where she and Ava had fallen apart last time. 

Was this what was going to tear them apart again, before they’d even gotten to  _ try  _ having a second chance? 

“Is that what you think is going to happen?” she said, hating how quiet her voice was, hating how it cracked with far too obvious vulnerability. 

Ava must have seen something on her face because there was a flicker in her eyes, and she seemed to backtrack, even just a few steps, enough that her shoulders slumped a little and she snapped her eyes shut and let out a long sigh. Running shaking fingers through her hair, she swallowed. “I don’t know Sara,” she said with unbearable honesty. “I … I think this has the potential to go wrong. It’s - it’s _ us _ . We’ve gone wrong before. And I know it was a lot for me to ask you to wait, especially when I don’t know when I’ll be ready, and I should have thought it through properly at the time … so if you’ve changed your mind, you don’t owe me anything -” 

“Are you serious?” interrupted Sara incredulously. Her heart was thundering in her chest, in her head, in every inch of her body she could feel it beating so loudly she thought it was going to burst out of her. Did Ava really think she could leave, even if she wanted to? She couldn’t do that again - couldn’t only know Ava’s smile from memory, couldn’t catch the scent of Ava’s shampoo from a stranger on the street and feel like her heart was crumbling then and there. 

Ava furrowed her eyebrows with a sad confusion. “Why wouldn’t I be serious?” 

“You think I’m only here because you said something would happen between us eventually?” said Sara. “I - I  _ told  _ you in LA, I -” She shook her head. “I - I can’t believe that’s the only reason you think I’m sticking around. Because  _ god  _ Ava, if it was that simple - if this was just a switch I could flick off - I would’ve stopped being in lo -” She barely stopped in time to catch herself, and Ava’s eyes widened. Sara curled her fingers into her palms, and said a little more shakily, “I would’ve stopped having feelings for you a long time ago.” 

Ava didn’t speak, and that little fuse of anger still flickering inside Sara was still burning, even if it had died down considerably since she first walked into Ava’s apartment. 

“And listen,” Sara continued before she could tell herself otherwise, “I can’t believe you think I’m so shallow that after everything we talked about in LA, you still think I’m the same person you stuck your nose up at who would sleep around with anyone and flirt with everyone. I - I thought you at least would think better of me.” 

The angel on Sara’s shoulder was trying to pipe up that Ava might not have thought that, but Sara was _ tired _ . She was tired and confused and had no idea  _ what  _ exactly she was waiting for between the two of them and somehow - she didn’t know how - she missed Ava so much, almost  _ more  _ than she had all those years in LA and she didn’t know how that was possible when Ava was right here, or why, but she hadn’t been able to get the idea that she could still lose Ava to someone like Kylie out of her head, and that hurt more than Sara could bear. As jealous as she’d been, she was jealous of the  _ other people  _ who got to flirt with Ava while she couldn’t, but what Ava had said sounded like she was saying ‘If you can’t be bothered waiting to sleep with someone else, we can forget about us’, and it hit Sara so deep in her chest that she had to struggle not to cry, right there in the middle of Ava’s apartment. It felt too vulnerable. Too laid and bare and too open, like Ava would be able to see right through her and inevitably not like what she saw and it made Sara’s throat catch and her body feel heavy, filled with the terror that this could be it. This thing they hadn’t even gotten to start yet was over, and this was what Sara was afraid of because she and Ava wouldn’t be able to just slide over this like it was nothing. It was almost difficult to breathe at the idea of losing Ava ( _ again _ ) when Sara had just started to wrap her head around having her again when - 

“Hey. Sara.” 

Suddenly, there were hands curling over Sara’s, warm and soft and Sara hadn’t realised she had closed her eyes but when she opened them, Ava was closer than before, close enough to hear Sara’s breath catch again. 

“I don’t think that of you Sara,” said Ava softly. “Not at all.” 

Sara almost said ‘maybe you should’, the words on the tip of her tongue coated in self deprecating resignation. But it was as though Ava could read her mind, because she immediately said “No,” so firmly and without leaving any room for argument that it snapped Sara back to a more present version of herself, one that wasn’t lost in the depths of her own insecurities and could properly feel the pads of Ava’s fingers tracing soft circles on the back of her hand, could smell Ava’s perfume and the fresh pot of coffee brewing in the kitchen, could hear the cars on the busy street in front of Ava’s apartment building. Ava’s eyes were watching her face carefully and her expression softened as she seemed to catch sight of Sara coming back to herself. It was so familiar - exactly the look Sara got so used to when Ava would talk her down years ago. 

“Sara, listen to me,” said Ava gently. “I … I was making excuses. Pretending there were other reasons for me feeling …” She sucked in a sharp breath. “For me feeling scared. I was jealous.”

“Jealous?” echoed Sara. “Of - of what? Of who?” 

Ava sighed, running a hand over her face. “I asked you to wait for me to be ready,” she said quietly, “but every time a customer came onto you at  _ Verdant  _ or Simon flirted with you when you guys worked together at the museum, I got so jealous and felt so … so  _ wrong  _ about it because I felt like I had no right to be so possessive when we aren’t even together right now and you’re being so good about everything , about waiting and … I’m sorry Sara. Of course I want this. Us. I just got so scared you wouldn’t think I was worth waiting for and tried to stop myself from getting hurt before you could realise there was probably someone better than me who didn’t have all this baggage that you don’t even know how long you have to wait for.” 

“ _ You  _ got jealous?” said Sara disbelievingly. “Of … of Simon?” 

“Not just Simon!” Ava insisted weakly, flushing. 

Sara couldn’t help it. She’d been so convinced that this was it - her entire being scrambling to readjust in the last few minutes to the idea of having to let Ava go, and that constricting feeling of fear in her chest had been almost suffocating, and suddenly it was gone. She burst out laughing. 

“What?” said Ava, slapping Sara’s arm. “What are you laughing at?” 

“This,” Sara said breathlessly, “this whole fucking situation. You got mad and defensive because you were jealous. I got mad and defensive because I was jealous.” 

“What are you jealous of?” asked Ava, looking bewildered. 

Sara grimaced, flashing Ava a sheepish smile. “Kylie?” she confessed. 

“Kylie,” repeated Ava incredulously. “ _ Kylie. _ Like, the new girl in my office Kylie?” 

“Yes, Kylie!” said Sara, crossing her arms defensively. “And - and it’s not just her. That … that really sweet barista at your favourite cafe. The girl who lives down the hall who’s very obviously into you. And yeah, Kylie. Because she’s gorgeous and sweet and she’s always there and always gets to spend time with you and when you guys are at  _ Verdant  _ she’s always standing real close and touching your arm and giving you these  _ flirty  _ eyes and it just - it made me so fucking frustrated that she could do that but I couldn’t. And then I got angry at myself for acting so possessive over you because you’re not even my  _ girlfriend  _ and I didn’t want me being an asshole to change your mind about wanting something between us when you’re ready.” 

“You weren’t being an asshole,” said Ava, her voice soft with gentle amusement. “Or at least, if you were, I was just as much of an asshole too.” She reached out, carefully tucking some of Sara’s hair away from her face before trailing a hand down Sara’s arm to curl her fingers around Sara’s and tug Sara towards the living room. She seemed to have made a decision about how they were spending the rest of the evening, but Sara hadn’t quite worked out what that was yet.

“Where are we going?” she asked with a small, uncertain smile. 

“To sit,” said Ava decidedly. “We should talk.” 

“Feels like we’re having a lot of big talks these days,” Sara murmured and Ava’s lips quirked upwards. 

“Well, this is important,” she said. “You and me. It’s important and … I don’t want either of us to fuck it up without meaning to. We were on the same page in LA but now we’re back and clearly we’re not anymore and honestly, that’s not a bad thing. We’re home and there are things neither of us saw coming like … like Simon and Kylie and our regular lives and our friends and not knowing what kind of affection we’re allowed to show with each other or around other people.” She shrugged, squeezing Sara’s hand. “I think big talks about shit like this is what’s gonna stop us from making the same mistakes twice.” 

Sara bit her lip as they both sank onto the couch. Ava was right, they needed this. They needed to be completely open and with each other, and that started now. “I hope you know that this whole ‘not being allowed to kiss you yet’ thing is killing me right now,” she said in a moment of brazen honesty that proved to be worth it at the way Ava swatted Sara halfheartedly to try and distract from the fierce blush that rose to her cheeks. “Okay, so saying stuff like that,” said Sara, taking the plunge into  _ the talk _ . “Is that okay or too far?” 

“It’s okay,” promised Ava. “As long as it’s just the two of us.” She offered Sara a shy smile. “What about for you?” 

“The same,” said Sara with a small nod. “It’s … it’s comforting to know that you still want this. Want me.” 

Ava’s eyes were full of affection, so much so that it was almost overwhelming and Sara darted her gaze down to the dull grey fabric of Ava’s couch cushions. “I do,” Ava said quietly, “and I need you to know that.” She chuckled, adding “So obviously we both got jealous.”

Sara let a dry laugh slip past her lips, leaning back and pinching the bridge of her nose. “Fucking Kylie,” she joked. 

“Fucking Simon,” Ava shot back, grinning. 

“I don’t know if this is weird to say given that we’re not actually  _ dating  _ yet,” said Sara slowly, “but there’s … there’s nobody else for me Aves. I told you. There hasn’t been for a long time. If someone’s flirting with me - whether it’s Simon, or a customer at  _ Verdant  _ \- I’m not interested in them. Not even remotely.” 

“Ditto,” said Ava, her voice so soft it almost sounded like a rush of breath. “I told you too. You’re the only person I can even imagine myself having some kind of future with after Jordan.” She furrowed her eyebrows, the corners of her eyes crinkling in a way that Sara had always found unfairly adorable. “Is it possible to be exclusive with someone you’re not actually  _ with  _ yet?” 

“Who’s to say we can’t be the first,” said Sara, smirking. 

“True,” said Ava, one eyebrow arching with slight amusement. She paused. “Let’s, then. Let's be the first. It doesn’t matter what people have done before us, we can live our lives how we want to - and I want  _ you _ .”

For some reason that made Sara laugh too, her quiet, barely suppressed chuckles growing until they filled Ava’s apartment and she couldn’t sit up straight and her sides hurt and Ava had started laughing too, eyes sparkling because now they had talked things through it all seemed so, so  _ stupid _ . Sara ran one hand through her hair, her exhausted, incredulous state making the situation seem even funnier than it was. She’d spent all of this morning - all of the last  _ week _ \- obsessing over this, over analysing every detail, consumed by thoughts about Kylie and losing Ava and had not once stopped to consider that perhaps, she had been more wrong than she had ever imagined. She dropped her head to her knees, the last remaining vestiges of leftover tension draining from her shoulders. “Fucking hell,” she murmured softly, and heard Ava laugh again beside her.

Ava must have been playing their conversation over in her head too, because after a moment's pause Sara felt tentative, careful fingers running through her hair, combing through the strands and easing out any of the knots she found, nails lightly trailing against her scalp with just the right amount of pressure to be comforting. She’d forgotten how good Ava was at this. They should talk things through more often, because they probably could have been doing this weeks ago if only they’d voiced their matching fears. Sara hummed, quiet and content, shoulders relaxing almost instinctively as Ava continued.

She could stay in this moment forever.

Eventually, Sara turned her head so her cheek was resting against her knees and she could look over to Ava, her contented smile still firmly in place. She hadn’t planned on staying here all evening, but this moment wasn’t one she wanted to break, and besides - her favourite evenings were always the ones that included Ava in them.

“I - I don’t know what crosses what lines here,” she said quietly. “But … do you think we could just sit for a bit? Maybe watch a movie?”

Ava nodded, smiling, looking as though she’d been wanting to ask that too. “Pride and Prejudice?” she suggested, and Sara was struck once again by how in some respects, Ava was exactly the same person she had been back when they first met. This was always her go to - for comfort, for something quiet and calming, for moments exactly like these. Her eyes were bright, and yet gentle. “I’m gonna order milkshakes too, we both deserve them.” She tilted her head slightly, still smiling. “Caramel?”

Sometimes, it was the simple things like Ava knowing her milkshake order. 

“You know it,” Sara said, reaching for the remote so she could find the movie whilst Ava ordered.

Ava’s smile softened. “Yeah. I do.”

  
  


** _January 2012: _ **

_ “It’s just - the plot is flawless, you know? And the acting choices, and the writing, the cinematography, and the costumes, and - Sara, I can’t believe you haven’t seen it.” _

_ Sara held up her hands “I’m sorry! I didn’t realise it was such a big deal.” _

_ “It’s one of the best movies ever made!” _

_ As she listened to Ava talk, Sara had a moment to think things over and realised that yeah, maybe she  _ ** _was_ ** _ glad she hadn’t seen this before because getting this reaction out of Ava was the most fun she’d had all week. _

_ Ava sighed dramatically, nudging her shoulder. “I can’t believe I’m dating someone who hasn’t seen Pride and Prejudice.” _

_ Sara ignored the way her stomach flipped at the reminder that they were  _ ** _dating_ ** _ , because it hadn’t been long enough that that realisation had properly sunk in yet, and it still felt new and novel and like a gift she’d never expected to receive.  _

_ Sara shrugged, pausing with the hoodie she was tidying away in one hand and her pajama top in the other. “Let’s watch it now then,” she suggested, and she  _ ** _saw_ ** _ the way Ava’s eyes initially lit up before she attempted to hide that excitement.  _

_ “Sara, it’s half past eleven and you know we both have to get up tomorrow. Don’t tempt me.” _

_ She wanted this now, though. Badly. Sara could see it, because she wanted it just as much too. And besides, movie nights were always better when they were spontaneous and poorly planned and both her and Ava were both a little sleepy, a little softer than usual. “Yeah but Aves,” she said, her voice low and her eyes twinkling as she kissed Ava’s shoulder. “How good would it be to just give up on these dumb readings and turn on all these cool fairylights I bought for Christmas -”  _

_ “They use up so much power,” said Ava reprovingly and Sara rolled her eyes.  _

_ “Ava. Are you for real?”  _

_ Ava pursed her lips, eyes darting to Sara’s laptop. “I guess it has been a while since I’ve seen it. And it’s Keira Knightley, so -”  _

_ “Wait, what?” said Sara, sitting up straight, her pretense of trying to coerce Ava into snuggling up in bed completely forgotten. “Keira Knightley’s in it?”  _

_ Ava arched an eyebrow. “Yeah, she’s the main character Sara. Elizabeth Bennet. I  _ ** _just _ ** _ told you -”  _

_ “You didn’t say anything about Keira Knightley!” said Sara, reaching over and pushing the lid of Ava’s laptop shut before Ava could complain. “Aves, I have been crushing on her since I watched all the Pirates movies in 8th grade.”  _

_ “Seriously?” said Ava, a wide grin spreading across her face. “ _ ** _You’re _ ** _ a Keira Knightley girl? I never would’ve guessed -”  _

_ “Fuck off, you’ve got me invested in this dumb Elizabethan drama now.” Sara practically rolled off the couch and snatched her laptop off the coffee table, trusting that Ava would follow to her room.  _

_ “Sara,” said Ava exasperatedly, trailing after Sara, “as a history student, you really should know that Pride and Prejudice is set in the  _ ** _Regency _ ** _ period. Elizabethan was Shakespeare -”  _

_ Sara cut Ava off by pushing the bedroom door shut behind them, placing both their laptops on the desk and whirling around to give Ava a glare.  _

_ “Babe,” she said. “Do you want to watch your favourite movie or not? I’ll even throw in watching your favourite movie while  _ ** _naked_ ** _ , as long as you stop lecturing me about me about my bad knowledge of historical periods.”  _

_ Ava bit her lip, eyes sparkling as she reached towards Sara and pulled her close, slipping a hand under Sara’s shirt and tracing the divots of Sara’s spine. Sara resisted the urge to shiver.  _

_ “If we’re naked,” said Ava, her voice quiet, “there is a very high chance we won’t actually make it through the whole movie.”  _

_ Sara looped an arm around Ava’s shoulders. “You’re being very presumptuous, thinking you’re more enticing to me than Keira Knightley.”  _

_ Ava’s jaw dropped and her eyes flashed with a spark of competitiveness. “Oh, we’ll see about that.”  _

  
  


Sara had forgotten how much she loved this movie. Mostly because she didn’t love it half as much when Ava wasn’t there - in fact, she’d actively avoided it, because she was pretty sure watching one of your ex-girlfriend’s favourite movies over and over again wasn’t recommended when trying to get over her. But this was different. This felt just like it used to, and the way those tiny little pieces that hadn’t fit together for  _ years,  _ now seemed to find their groove side by side again - it was another tiny little instance in which Sara finally felt like she could breathe.

The sense of calm that was surrounding them both right now was definitely also related to the fact that they’d somehow ended up on the floor again, despite the fact that there was a perfectly good couch right behind them. Ava had brought a blanket over earlier and they were both curled up under it, more than a little sleepy, too tired to have any walls up at all. That, combined with their conversation earlier and the fact that they were both currently determined to show each other enough affection to remove any traces of doubt from each other’s minds had led to them leaning against each other, legs tangled under the blankets, one of Ava’s hands resting in Sara’s lap as Sara curled both her hands around it.

Letting go of all of the jealous feelings and tension and irritation she had been carrying around for weeks had left Sara so much lighter, and this feeling right now was something she could certainly get used to. Something she hadn’t  _ let  _ herself have until now, not since she and Ava had broken up all those years ago. 

“I haven’t seen this movie in forever,” Sara finally admitted when the credits started to roll, voice quiet so as not to disturb the moment they’d found themselves in. 

Ava looked over to her, her surprise only lasting a moment before her expression softened, realising what Sara meant - she hadn’t ever watched this without  _ her _ . There were hundreds of things she could say about that, but in the end Ava chose none of them. “Is it how you remembered?” she asked instead, and Sara got the impression she wasn’t just talking about the movie.

Her lips curled up into a smile and she nodded. “Better,” she said. 

So much better. 

Her memories had nothing on the real thing.

How could they - she could remember all she wanted, but she couldn’t  _ feel _ Ava’s fingers carding through her hair or her arm around her shoulders in a memory, she couldn’t  _ see  _ the affection in Ava’s eyes or hear her quiet sighs and gentle hums and soft spoken, beautiful reassurances. 

“Remember how it took us like, four attempts to watch this movie the whole way through?” said Sara, unable to stop the reminiscent grin from spreading across her face. 

Ava snorted with laughter, shaking her head before her gaze flickered over to Sara, a shy but knowing glint in the corners of her eyes. “Oh, I remember. Guess I was more enticing than Keira Knightley after all.” 

Sara shoved a pillow at her to try and distract from the rising warmth in her cheeks. That had been another distinct reason she’d avoided this movie. Because Sara could remember all too clearly how in every scene where Lizzie and Darcy danced, every time their hands touched, Ava’s fingers had skimmed across Sara’s skin, feather light, leaving goosebumps in their wake. How the first time they’d attempted to watch it, they hadn’t even gotten up to Darcy’s first, dramatic love confession in the rain before Sara had relented and let Ava put the laptop on the floor and push Sara into the pillows with a victorious grin on her face. How they got a little further each instance when they went to rewatch it, but somehow it turned into a game and Sara always found herself losing, closing the laptop with a frustrated curse and pulling Ava into a searing kiss every single time. How by the time they actually made it through the entire movie, when Darcy had said to Elizabeth - eyes soft and earnest - “I love, I love, I love you”, Ava had murmured the same thing into the skin above Sara’s collarbone because they’d only recently said  _ that _ for the first time and it still felt like a novelty every time they voiced it. 

Now, they had made it through the whole movie. But Sara was suddenly very aware of Ava’s hand on her thigh, of their shoulders pressed close together, of the places where Ava’s ¾ length gym tights left flashes of skin that Sara could feel against her ankles and she had to resist the part of her brain that wanted more of that, wanted to feel Ava’s skin and fall back into  _ those  _ memories of watching this movie. She curled her fingers in, blunt nails digging into her palm as she thought  _ snap the fuck out of it.  _ This wasn’t the time. Not after how weird the past week had been, or how easily the conversation they’d had a few hours ago could’ve gone a completely different way. 

“Hey,” said Ava, nudging Sara gently. “You okay?” 

Sara nodded, pulling her legs from the ground and curling them up to her chest. To her relief, Ava brought her hand back to her own lap at the movement. “Yeah. Just - I wasn’t actually lying earlier about being tired. It’s been an exhausting day.” 

Ava’s smile was sympathetic. “Feelings make it even more exhausting.” 

“You don’t say,” chuckled Sara, rubbing her eyes. 

There was a beat, and Sara could feel the way the air shifted between them in those few seconds, going from soft and nostalgic and maybe charged with  _ something  _ neither of them could act on right now, to heavy and on the edge of a conversation that Sara knew was that same conversation as before, back to where they started earlier this evening. It didn’t worry her this time though. They’d already both proved that they were in need of a little extra reassurance.

Ava bit lip. “Can I ask one last time?” she said quietly, and Sara wouldn’t have heard it if they weren’t sitting so close.

She didn’t need to, but Sara wanted to hear Ava ask too. She wanted to promise Ava over and over and over again that she would wait. She wanted Ava to say over and over and over again that she still wanted this. She wanted them both to answer definitively, so they knew for certain exactly where they stood and what they needed and how they should navigate this from here. Sara wasn’t prepared to lose Ava, not again - and she wasn’t going to let Ava get hurt again either. They would do this carefully. They would do this together. And they would do this knowing that eventually, at some point, a day would come when things smoothed out and fit together and their worlds collided just the way they were supposed to.

“You’re sure about waiting?” Ava said, her gaze watching Sara’s expression carefully. 

Sara reached over to squeeze her hand, eyes fixed on Ava’s, full of honesty. “I’ve never been more sure of anything Aves.”

She stifled a yawn, and Ava glanced over to the clock. It wasn’t that late, but the slowly mounting exhaustion was evident in them both. Ava’s fingers curled around Sara’s wrist and she paused, looking over to her. 

“Take the couch,” she offered, but Sara shook her head.

“I kinda want to sleep in my bed tonight. I - I think I need it.” 

There wasn’t anything more to it than that, and for once they both knew it. There were no hidden layers, no words they wanted to say but were keeping secret. It wasn’t about Ava, or anything that had happened that evening. It was simple and honest and easy.

As it should be.

Ava squeezed her knee gently, nodding. “Okay. Just let me know when you get home, okay?” 

Sara nodded. She hesitated for a second before tugging Ava forward into a hug. 

Tonight had started off terribly, and had threatened to get worse - at one point, she’d been completely certain that this would be the moment when all of the risks she and Ava were taking were going to backfire on them and the situation would spin out of control. Except, it hadn’t. They had talked, carefully and deliberately, and had made sure they were both on the same page before they took this any further. They had  _ worked things out _ . 

It was yet another reminder that they had changed from the people they’d been six years ago, that they’d grown as time passed by and become  _ better _ people, people who had learnt from all of the mistakes they had made before. 

It was a sign that this time, they would be okay. 

  
  



	22. it's obvious you're meant for me (every piece of you, it just fits perfectly)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ""Seriously though,” she said, her voice a little quieter, and Ava glanced up at her. “I’m good. Really.” 
> 
> Not just in this moment either. She was good with all of it - with how life was at the moment, and with how things stood between her and Ava. Ava was watching her carefully, expression soft and contemplative, and Sara couldn’t help but notice that she seemed content too. She wasn’t ready for this to progress any further right now, she’d said, but the growing closeness between was something they both welcomed, rather than feared. It was making both of their lives just that little bit brighter."
> 
> OR
> 
> basically ava and sara realise this 'waiting' thing - while great - also involves a significant amount of Self Control.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi hi :-) 
> 
> we are back, v sorry for the two week break on the fic! hope the absolutely STELLAR last couple of legends episodes have kept you guys going instead, we have definitely been v v obsessed w them. 
> 
> life's getting quite stressful again w exam season and assignments due, plus this whole pandemic shit ain't letting up any time soon in rach's part of the world, whereas in my part of the world, we're kind of starting to go back to normal but it also means life feels a bit overwhelming and confusing again. basically what we're saying is that we're kind of playing this fic by ear in terms of a posting schedule - we're gonna try get new chapters every 1-2 weeks, and we still have abt 3.5 buffer chapters so hopefully we can keep chapters coming regularly, esp bc we have some stuff in upcoming chapters we are So excited for you to see. we will try post stuff on twitter abt this (@saraalcnce & @z__tomaz) so pop on over there and hopefully we'll remember to be upfront with the update sitch. 
> 
> MEANWHILE ANYWAY - we love this chapter, there's One Particular Scene (you'll know it when you read it) that we've had headcanoned since like, november, and we still have to get up and pace around the room every time we read it, so good luck ;-) 
> 
> life's weird and the legends spec abt who may or may not be leaving in s6 or 7 (if that's confirmed?) has us both feeling kinda funny so! we would rly rly love and be so grateful for any comments u guys might leave on this chapter, so if u wanna share some love, it would mean a lot xx (but pls dont talk abt any legends character/actor leaving spec in the comments pls we are feelin real odd abt it u know) ANYWAY!
> 
> pls enjoy this chapter! we truly love it x
> 
> (p.s. chapter title is from kiss me on the dance floor by little mix)

** _August, 2020:_ **

_ Ava Sharpe _ _   
_ _   
_ ** _iMessage_ ** ** _  
_ ** (Sara Lance)   
**Wednesday**

_   
_ ** _11:37am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** Hey!

** _  
_ ** ** _11:38am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** hey you

  
** _11:39am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** You’re working at SCU today, right?

** _  
_ ** ** _11:39am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** you betcha

** _  
_ ** ** _11:40am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** Any chance I can steal you for lunch?

** _  
_ ** ** _11:40am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** yeah sure! :-D any reason in particular?   
everything ok??

** _  
_ ** ** _11:41am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** You’re not allowed to give me shit

** _  
_ ** ** _11:41am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** I know I just saw you last night but I   
already miss you so

** _  
_ ** ** _11:41am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** Lunch

** _  
_ ** ** _11:42am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** god that’s nauseating

** _  
_ ** ** _11:42am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** You know what, I’m gonna get lunch   
with Amaya instead

** _  
_ ** ** _11:43am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** HEY YOU KNOW I’M KIDDING

** _  
_ ** ** _11:43am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** i’ve been thinking about you all morning   
too ok, u happy? 

** _  
_ ** ** _11:43am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** Nope, just nauseated

** _  
_ ** ** _11:44am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** oh ha-ha

** _  
_ ** ** _11:44am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** that new cafe down by your work? 

** _  
_ ** ** _11:45am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** 12:30?

** _  
_ ** ** _11:45am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** see you then x ** _  
_ **

** **

* * *

They were still being subtle in public, obviously, because the last thing either of them wanted was other people catching on to what was going on between them before they were ready for that. But she now had Ava’s permission to be slightly more flirtatious if she wanted, Sara was being a little more affectionate, and less cautious about what image she was presenting to the world. And more importantly, she no longer had to worry about what Ava would think about their growing closeness because Ava had told her, in no uncertain terms, that she didn’t like seeing Sara being affectionate with other people when she couldn’t have that affection for herself. Which meant that she had been feeling the exact same way as Sara had when she spotted Kylie’s gentle laugh and casual touch and blatant flirting, and she’d disliked it too.

_ She _ had started doubting whether  _ Sara _ was willing to wait for this.

And even though they’d talked - and cried - this out already, from now on Sara wanted to make sure Ava never had to doubt that again, never had to wonder how she was feeling.  _ Waiting _ didn’t mean hiding the extent of her feelings from Ava, not anymore. 

Besides, it wasn’t as if she had a shortage of affection to give.

It was so stupid in hindsight - they’d both been doing the exact same thing, misunderstanding what each other needed so badly that they ended up with the same fears and worries and uncertainties. She’d spent weeks biting her tongue to hide the thoughts that had come to mind, fighting back the smiles she wanted to give Ava and the compliments that accompanied them, keeping her hands at her sides instead of reaching out half the times she wanted to because she didn’t want to go too fast or make a move before Ava was ready. Although in her defence, at least part of that was because sometimes, in the quiet moments when she  _ knew  _ Ava was thinking about Jordan and reliving conversations and remembering things which they had shared together, reaching out to her  _ would _ have been a bad decision.

There had been times recently when she’d watched Ava’s face fall at odd moments, and the realisation that Ava was doing exactly what Sara had spent her first few months back here doing always hit her like a truck and made her heart ache, because she knew from experience that there was nothing at all that could fix this. And her trying to help would only provide yet another reminder of what Ava had lost.

She had spent hours wondering what to do, and whether there was any way to make things that little better for Ava.

But Ava was ready. For more than they currently had, at least.

Sara pushed open the door to the new cafe that had opened a block away from Ava’s work, smiling as the bell on the door chimed to announce her entry. She hadn’t been here yet, but it was spacious inside, and nothing like the tacky diner she remembered being here before. They’d installed big open windows and converted the flat above into an extension of the seating area below, and there were now lights hanging from the ceiling, bulbs exposed in the artsy way that sometimes looked like they were trying too hard, but right now - in here - perfectly complemented the rest of the decor and made the cafe seem almost magical. 

Sara made her way upstairs, picking a table near the corner in front of the windows, slipping her jacket onto the back of the chair and sitting down. A moment later she was up again, cracking the windows open, because Ava always liked a breeze and today the weather was so lovely that it would be a waste not to enjoy it. 

They could go out later that evening, she thought briefly, if Ava was free. They could drive up a hill and watch the sunset, or maybe go back down to the beach.

“I wasn’t expecting it to be so nice in here,” a voice joked from behind her, and Sara smiled. 

“You can see the whole way up the street from here.”

When she turned Ava was already distracted, peering out of the window, slightly in awe of the way the sunlight was catching on the stone bricks of the buildings nearby, lighting them up in a way that made the world seem that little bit brighter. Ava pointed to a building somewhere down the other end of the street. “That bakery makes the best eclairs you’ll ever eat, me and Jordan used to go there all the time.”

Sara frowned slightly, squinting. “Which bakery?”

Ava couldn’t have been aware of how close she was, because when she took a step closer Sara could feel her standing behind her, tingles running down her spine. Ava took Sara’s hand and guided it up until she was pointing at the right bakery, and then let her fingers slip down Sara’s wrist before her hand fell back to her side. “That one,” she said quietly, and Sara would have loved to have been paying more attention but her mind had already drifted and she was desperately trying to work out what Ava was hoping to accomplish here other than driving her insane, because  _ surely _ she must know what was going on, she was close enough by now that she could probably hear Sara’s heart beating loudly in her chest and -

Ava took a step back, pulling out the chair Sara hadn’t hung her jacket on. “I’ll take you there sometime,” she offered, and Sara nodded. The bakery. 

Ava genuinely had no clue what she was doing to her.

She cleared her throat, taking a seat and pouring herself and Ava glasses of water, passing Ava’s over to her. “I’d like that,” she replied, immediately getting distracted for the third - or fourth? or maybe fifth? - time by Ava’s small, content smile. She didn’t think she’d ever get tired of seeing Ava’s smile, especially after the months when it had vanished as her relationship with Jordan fell apart and Jordan moved. Her eyes crinkled and she tilted her head slightly, about to ask Sara what had distracted her this time, eyes sparkling as if she’d finally put two and two together and worked out what was going on in Sara’s head.

Or more like what  _ wasn’t _ going on in Sara’s head, because right now her thoughts were a little fuzzy, distracted by Ava, Ava, Ava. 

“You look beautiful,” Sara said softly before Ava could start teasing her, realising with a sudden thrill that she could say things like this out loud now. 

Ava’s cheeks flushed slightly, and her eyes flickered over the strappy top Sara had bought last weekend when she and Zari had gone shopping. “ _ You  _ look beautiful,” she countered, deflecting the compliment. “I always wear this for work.” 

Sara shook her head fondly. “Yeah,” she admitted, acknowledging Ava’s statement. “I know.”

The ‘you always look beautiful’ was implied, and Ava seemed to catch it because she too shook her head fondly, rolling her eyes. Sara bit her lip, dragging her gaze away from Ava and down to the menu in front of her. 

Perhaps the argument they’d had the night before had been needed. She’d scared herself, initially, because fighting with Ava was where things started to go wrong last time, and they couldn’t do that again -  _ she  _ couldn’t do that again. It had broken her, the first time. And they weren’t even dating right now, they hadn’t gotten that far - she wasn’t going to let this go any further if things were going to end up the same as before. If she and Ava were going to attempt a relationship for the second time they had to be one hundred percent certain that they had changed and that they could fix any problems that arose between them before they spiralled out of hand.

But their argument had proven that they  _ could _ fix things. It hadn’t been a fight about nothing, both of their feelings had been perfectly justified even if they were both dumb and misinformed and seeing things that weren’t really happening. 

They had  _ needed _ to talk those issues through though, so they could make sure they were both on the same page and would  _ stay _ on the same page and knew exactly where they stood and what was okay and what was too far, and how much of their feelings they were willing to expose. They weren’t college students who were stressed and tired and working on too many projects at once and hadn’t yet grown enough to realise what they wanted from each other. Not anymore. 

They were different, in a good way. 

She hadn’t noticed her fingers tapping against the table until Ava’s hand rested on top of hers to still it. Ava’s skin was warm against hers, touch soft and gentle and  _ deliberate. _ An unexpected lump formed in Sara’s throat and she looked up, meeting Ava’s eyes.  _ This is okay _ , Ava seemed to be telling her, without having to say the words out loud. 

“I’m glad I get to do this with you,” Ava said quietly, the  _ you _ stressed just enough for Sara to know that that, too, was deliberate. This was Ava, telling her again that  _ she _ was the one she wanted. No one else.  _ Her. _

She lightly traced her thumb over the pad of Ava’s, heart stumbling for a moment when she picked up on the tiny, barely audible hitch in Ava’s breathing. “Yeah,” she agreed, the word not nearly enough to describe everything she was feeling. “Me too.”

Ava curled her fingers around Sara’s, thumb now tracing a path across her knuckles. It was strange that holding hands felt like it meant so much, especially when it was something they’d been doing now and then a few weeks ago without giving it much of a thought at all. But now, this simple gesture,  _ in public _ … it was managing to heal the final cracks last night’s argument had left, whilst also feeling like a step forward. 

Eventually, Sara looked up to meet Ava’s eyes, unsurprised to find them swimming with the same depths of emotion she knew would be reflected in her own.

When the waitress came to take their orders, neither of them let go.

* * *

** _April, 2012:_ **

_ Laurel flopped down onto the couch and swung her legs up so they were resting over Sara’s lap, having just finished packing the bags she needed to take back that weekend after Easter break. It took her all of two seconds before she poked Sara in the side with her toe, peering over Sara’s shoulder to look at her phone background before Sara noticed her and clicked it off. _

_ “Aw c’mon,” Laurel whined, looking a little put out. God, all the time she’d spent away hadn’t made her any less nosy. _

_ Sara shook her head. “You being back doesn’t mean you get to pry,” she grinned, causing Laurel to roll her eyes. _

_ “You never tell me anything when I’m in New York,” she complained, giving Sara a beseeching look. “I just want to see which cheesy photo of Ava is your favourite.” _

_ “So you can tease me about it -” _

_ “ _ ** _Definitely _ ** _ so I can tease you about it.”  _

_ Laurel poked her again with her toe, and Sara got the vague impression she was willing to keep this up for the entire break if she needed. She sighed. “I  _ ** _do_ ** _ tell you most things,” she said after a moment, not entirely sure why she was carrying on this conversation with a comment that Laurel hadn’t meant anything by. “I’m fairly sure I remember calling you when me and Ava first started dating and telling you every single detail of every single second we spent together. Not to mention the things I told you before that, before anyone else really knew about this.” _

_ Laurel sighed overdramatically, accepting defeat and leaning back against the arm of the couch. Sara’s lips twitched, and she fought back a smile. She missed Laurel when she wasn’t here. Which was most of the time, these days. It was nice to have a sister who would listen to her talk for hours and hours if she wanted, about whatever (or whoever) was on her mind - and despite having just defended herself, she did know she was guilty of forgetting to call Laurel as often as she should, and not updating her on how things were until prompted. _

_ After a moment, she unlocked her phone and turned it around to show Laurel the photo Zari had taken last week of her and Ava whilst they’d been out getting milkshakes and neither of them had been paying any attention to anything except each other. She didn’t remember what they’d been talking about, but Ava’s head was thrown back as she laughed, eyes bright and impossible to look away from, whilst Sara gazed at her as if she had strung the stars in the sky, as if she was the most important person in her world, as if there was nowhere she’d rather be and no one she’d rather be with for the rest of time and beyond. Sara’s milkshake was abandoned on the table because she was so distracted, lips curved up into the smallest, most adoring smile. Beneath the table, she knew Ava’s hand was resting on her leg, warm and casual and gentle - an absentminded gesture that she probably hadn’t even noticed. _

_ Sara could remember it with such clarity. _

_ She remembered the lights hanging from the ceiling, artsy and decorative and perfectly complementing the interior of the tiny cafe they were in. She remembered the sweetness of the air, the gentle hum of chatter coming from the other people in the moderately full cafe, the bright sunshine outside and her friends sitting across the table chatting. _

_ But above all, she remembered Ava. _

_ Laurel swallowed the lump that seemed to have formed in her throat as she gazed at the photo and her eyes flickered up to meet Sara’s, a quiet ‘oh’ slipping from her lips. _

_ “Yeah,” Sara said quietly, turning her phone back around. She knew. She’d been speechless when Zari first took that photo too, and it still took her breath away every time she saw it. For once though, Laurel didn’t have a million questions to ask, and that in itself surprised Sara. She bit the inside of her lip slightly, risking a glance in Laurel’s direction. “What, no teasing?” she joked, and Laurel shook her head. _

_ “No teasing,” she said softly, finally meeting Sara’s eyes again. Her smile widened, and Sara wasn’t one hundred percent sure what it meant for a moment. She hadn’t done anything with that photo - it wasn’t going on instagram or facebook or anywhere else, because there was a vulnerability to it that was just  _ ** _hers_ ** _ , hers and Ava’s - so she was suddenly unsure about how much Laurel was reading into it.  _

_ “You two…” Laurel trailed off, having barely started. _

_ “I know.” _

_ Laurel’s gaze flickered over her face. “Not to sound like this is a cheesy rom-com,” she started, “but… is this it? Is Ava -” _

_ Sara nodded, cutting Laurel off, not needing her to finish. They’d only been dating a few months, but she was fairly sure that Ava was, in fact, ‘the one’ or whatever other cheesy expression Laurel had been about to come up with. She rolled her eyes, attempting to claw back some kind of cool, calm, not head over heels for Ava freaking Sharpe kinda composure but she wasn’t sure she managed it. This conversation had gone from gentle teasing and jokes to something deeper in no time at all, and the irony of how well that reflected Sara and Ava’s relationship wasn’t lost on her. _

_ Laurel huffed out a fond but exasperated breath. “I cannot believe you found the girl of your dreams and neglected to tell me that.” _

_ She really wasn’t letting that go. Sara raised an eyebrow, half tempted to just stand up and tip Laurel’s legs off of the couch, but enjoying being teased a little too much for that. As much as Laurel was a pain in her ass, it was nice having an older sister sometimes. Even if she was a nightmare. And even if she was now lying on the couch propped up on her elbows with a half-joking put out expression on her face that Sara  _ ** _knew_ ** _ was mostly for dramatic effect but also knew she couldn’t win an argument about if she called Laurel out on it. _

_ She rolled her eyes yet again, fighting back a smile when Laurel continued poking her with her toe, insistent on getting some kind of response or promise. Sara’s lips twitched. “I promise from now on I’ll update you on all of the little things you might miss by not being here,” she eventually acquiesced, and Laurel’s smirk turned victorious.  _

_ God, she was insufferable.  _

_ (Sara wouldn’t want it any other way.) _

* * *

_ Laur <3 _ _   
_ _   
_ ** _iMessage_ ** ** _  
_ ** (Sara Lance)   
**Sunday**

_   
_ ** _6:21pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** I am incredibly sorry that I am the worst   
sister ever and literally constantly forget   
to schedule a facetime date with you, pls   
don’t write me out of your will 

  
** _6:22pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** sorry, who’s this?

  
** _6:22pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** Ha-ha very funny

  
** _6:23pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** wait, did you say SISTER? surely not   
my long lost sister laurel who vanished   
off the face of the earth months ago and   
hasn’t been seen or heard from since?    
oh, she’s been written out of my will since   
she got sweet chilli sauce on my favourite   
pair of jeans in senior year

  
** _6:24pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** Okay, firstly

  
** _6:24pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** Don’t be dramatic, I haven’t not been   
seen or heard from I HAVE SENT YOU   
THINGS ON INSTAGRAM AND TAGGED   
YOU IN STUFF ON FACEBOOK

  
** _6:24pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** ah yes, the perfect substitute for real   
conversation 

  
** _6:25pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** S E C O N D L Y

  
** _6:25pm_ ** ** _  
_ ** Shut up, you didn’t even wear those jeans   
anymore okay 

  
** _6:26pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** mm hm sure

  
** _6:26pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** (You’re not actually mad at me are you?)

  
** _6:27pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** course not laur don’t be dumb

  
** _6:27pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** miss you though xxx

  
** _6:28pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** Miss you too, you have no idea XXX

  
** _6:28pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** Which is why I’m texting you!!! Guess what!

  
** _6:29pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** the reason you’ve been MIA the last few   
months is because you actually fell in    
love with a member of the british royalty   
and you’re now going to get married and   
you need to tell me that all your social    
media will be deleted within the next   
week 

  
** _6:29pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** No you absolute dumbass

  
** _6:30pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** I got the 9th of October off!!!!! I get to come   
to Ollie’s birthday!!!!! 

  
** _6:30pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** wHAT

  
** _6:30pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** FOR REAL???

  
** _6:31pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** Yes!!! And I’ll stay the weekend too because I   
haven’t seen you in Way too long

  
** _6:31pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** As long as that’s okay??

  
** _6:31pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** of course that’s okay!!!! god i’m so excited   
i just wish it wasn’t so far away

  
** _6:32pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** Me too <3 

  
** _6:32pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** Hey also, I saw something on fb the other day

  
** _6:32pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** yeah?

  
** _6:33pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** Jordan’s in London now???

  
** _6:34pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** right

  
** _6:34pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** yeah, she got promoted and moved

  
** _6:35pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** Whoa that’s a big move

  
** _6:35pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** Are she and Ava doing long distance?    
Is Ava planning on moving over there at    
point? 

  
** _6:36pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** fuck it really has been ages since we talked

  
** _6:36pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** What do you mean??

  
** _6:37pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** ava and jordan broke up

  
** _6:38pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** Holy SHIT

  
** _6:39pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** How’s Ava doing?

  
** _6:40pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** okay 

  
** _6:40pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** like, i think it’s still really really hard   
on her sometimes but i think she has    
more days when she’s happier now

  
** _6:41pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** Must be weird, seeing her go through   
that knowing that you went through it   
with each other?

  
** _6:42pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** yeah it definitely has its moments

  
** _6:42pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** You doing okay?

  
** _6:43pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** you know what’s weird? I’m actually doing    
really, really good

  
** _6:44pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** That’s not weird Sara, you deserve it

  
** _6:45pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** I’m really proud of you. And happy for you.

  
** _6:46pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** thanks laur xxx

** _6:46pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** UGH why can’t ollie’s party be sooner

  
** _6:47pm:_ **   
41 days!!!!! 

* * *

** _September, 2020:_ **

Every time they hit a bump in this not-yet-but-almost relationship they adjusted, and by now their fight a few weeks ago felt so insignificant that Sara could look back on it fondly, smiling at how oblivious she and Ava had been to each other’s identical emotions. 

Now the new academic year was getting underway, and the familiar routine from a few months ago had returned, and Sara had found herself spending more and more evenings like this - with her friends at one of their apartments, each of them with their own work to do, or occasionally just chilling and watching the evening’s events unfold. She was rarely one of the ones without work to do, but even when all of the papers she was supposed to be marking had been completed it was nice just to exist in this space, surrounded by the calming bubble created by being with the people that she loved more than anyone else.

Tonight they were at Ava’s place, which always, inevitably, meant she was the last one here. Ray and Nora had dropped in for dinner but hadn’t stayed long, and Zari had left about half an hour prior to go to a late night meeting. She’d been offered a lift home by both of them, but she’d declined. She was content here - and besides, this wasn’t one of the evenings she had free, and the midterms sitting in front of her most likely wouldn’t get marked for tomorrow if she went back home and spent the rest of the evening on her couch in front of the TV. 

Nate was the last one here, but he was currently pulling his coat on, reaching for his bag. “I feel like you’re going to decline, but if you need a lift back I’m happy to drive you.”

Sara glanced across the coffee table over to Ava, back down to her work, and then up to Nate. She shook her head. “No, don’t worry about it. I drove here.” 

She still wasn’t ready to leave anyway. And sue her, perhaps she wanted to spend some time alone with Ava too. They always made time for each other, but when things got busy that time always seemed to be crammed in between work and everything else they had on, and it had been at least a week since they’d been able to enjoy any quiet moments like this together, without the rest of their friends present. She wanted to finish this work in the relaxed state she was now in, sitting on the floor in Ava’s living room, surrounded by the faint scent of the chinese takeout they’d ordered for dinner and the warmth of the memories of their friends laughter earlier on that evening.

Nate smiled, wishing them good night and then heading off back home.

“You sure you don’t want anything?” Ava asked, eyes landing on her empty glass. “You know I have gin and whiskey in the cupboard if you don’t want wine. Or I could brew some coffee -” 

Sara gave her a  _ look _ , accompanied by a soft huff of laughter. “Jesus Ava, you’re aware you’re not hosting an actual dinner party right? You don’t have to make sure I have refills and snacks.” 

“I’m just making  _ sure _ !” said Ava indignantly. “It’s  _ polite. _ ” 

Sara rolled her eyes fondly, and then shook her head. “Okay, well  _ no thank you  _ Miss Sharpe, I don’t need more wine, or gin, or whiskey, or coffee, or tea, or hot chocolate, or lemonade or -” 

“Shut up, I get it,” said Ava, a cushion in Sara’s direction. 

Sara ducked and laughed loudly, sending Ava a cheeky grin as she pushed one (finally) marked paper to the side, and making a note of the grade on her laptop. “Seriously though,” she said, her voice a little quieter, and Ava glanced up at her. “I’m good. Really.” 

Not just in this moment either. She was good with all of it - with how life was at the moment, and with how things stood between her and Ava. Ava was watching her carefully, expression soft and contemplative, and Sara couldn’t help but notice that she seemed content too. She wasn’t ready for this to progress any further right now, she’d said, but the growing closeness between was something they both welcomed, rather than feared. It was making both of their lives just that little bit brighter.

And a little more difficult, Sara supposed, but only because Ava was  _ distracting _ and it was impossible to ignore the thoughts that sprung to mind when she saw Ava in workout gear with her hair up exposing her collarbones, or equally when she was wearing oversized sweaters and fuzzy socks and looking so unbearably  _ soft _ that Sara’s stomach couldn’t help but flutter.

Like right now, for example, because even though Ava had gone back to her work and was typing away at her laptop completely absorbed in whatever she was researching, Sara was too busy wondering how she managed to make a loose half-untucked white shirt with the top two buttons undone and a pair of navy slacks look so unreasonably adorable simply by adding the thick, warm socks Sara had given her last Christmas to the outfit. 

She wasn’t sure how long she lost herself in that thought before Ava looked up, catching her eye and raising a teasing eyebrow. Sara couldn’t fight back her smile, so she didn’t try, just reached for the next paper on her pile.

It was nice being in a place where they could be like  _ this _ too. Where Ava could tease her for her obvious feelings, but in a way that felt fond and gentle and as though those feelings were entirely reciprocated, and increasing every day. 

She forced her brain back into work mode, but only made it halfway through the paper in front of her before her rhythm of reading it tripped and faltered - not because Ava, but the essay itself. Some of these assignments had been bad, but this one was truly terrible. The grammar was shocking, the phrasing was clunky, the punctuation was painfully absent, and Sara couldn’t even really tell what this student was trying to write about. As she read the word  _ furthermore  _ for the sixth time in the past four lines, Sara winced. 

“Oh come on dude,” she muttered under her breath. 

Ava glanced up at her with yet another teasing smile, clearly enjoying watching her suffer a little too much. “Everything going okay?” 

“Perfectly,” Sara replied, voice dripping with sarcasm. She read another few sentences, and then dropped the paper down in front of her. 

“You sure about that?”

Sara rolled her eyes. “This student clearly lost the braincell lottery. I mean …. god, Aves. I know you’ve never taken a course in Early Middle Eastern history but these students have been doing it since the start of the semester, you’d think they could remember basic dates by now. Or - I’m not even asking them to remember them, they could have googled it? Or something?”

Ava’s eyes were sparkling as she held back a laugh, and Sara got a little too distracted by it. “Anything else?” she asked, clearly entertained. 

Sara shook her head. “You don’t want to have to read this, it’s … it’s  _ bad _ , Ava. And besides the factual inaccuracies, you value grammar a bit too much for this.”

“Maybe I  _ want _ to see,” Ava teased, and Sara bit back a smile. 

“Maybe you just want to see me suffer.”

“Maybe I think you’re overreacting.”

Ava smirked ever so slightly, and it wasn’t a challenge per say but something about the way she’d spent the last five minutes holding back her laugh made Sara need to prove how justified her complaining was so she gestured to the paper in front of her. “Look at this!” 

Ava’s gaze flickered over the first few paragraphs, and then she winced. “Okay, fair. Please tell me these are freshmen,” she said, and Sara shook her head incredulously. 

“Juniors. I  _ know _ .”

Ava laughed, most likely the overdramatic look of disgust on her face, and it suddenly became infinitely harder to focus on the work she was supposed to be doing because she’d forgotten to realise a moment ago that moving to sit next to Ava would mean she’d be close enough to see the light reflecting in her eyes as she laughed and there was instantly nothing Sara would rather pay attention to and -

“Do your work,” Ava said fondly, rolling her eyes and giving Sara’s shoulder a light nudge. “As much you whining is amusing me, you’ll be here all evening if you don’t get on with it.”

_ Would that really be such a bad thing?  _ Sara wondered. 

Ava’s thoughts must have strayed down the same path. “Not that I’d be against that,” she clarified with a small, affectionate smile which Sara couldn’t help but return.

“Me neither.”

She didn’t need to be marking papers all evening though, so she did eventually pick up her pen and continue reading, pausing every now and again to sigh at the inaccuracies she found. Once she was finally ( _ finally _ ) finished she sagged against the couch, telling herself she could have a break, because she definitely needed one. 

“I take it it didn’t get any better,” Ava said dryly, and Sara turned to face her, instantly getting distracted by how close Ava was because she didn’t realise either of them had moved again but now her leg was pressed up against Ava’s, resting against it, and Ava’s shoulder was warm against hers. She’d pulled a sweater on over her shirt at some point whilst Sara hadn’t been paying attention, the one that had been thrown over the back of the sofa earlier, aged nicely enough to look vintage rather than tatty. Her hair was half caught under the collar, and Sara wasn’t sure she’d appreciate being referred to as adorable, but … well. It was adorable. 

Ava nudged her lightly with her elbow, having noticed her getting distracted. Sara cleared her throat slightly and started talking, dragging her focus back to the conversation but losing it a moment later when she realised how little attention Ava was paying to her words, and how much more attention she was paying to her lips. She fell quiet, her own gaze drifting over Ava’s face but being drawn to her lips too, a silent, inescapable link holding her and Ava together. 

She didn’t know whether it was her or Ava that reached out, but after a moment she felt warm fingers find hers and curl into them, and then Ava’s thumb was trailing across her skin and her mind was starting to go fuzzy at the edges for an entirely different reason. Her heart was beating far too fast, but she didn’t know how to stop it but she wasn’t sure she  _ wanted _ to stop it either. She hoped Ava could hear it or feel it somehow, because she wanted her to know the effect she was having.

She wanted Ava to  _ feel _ the effect she was having.

Ava’s eyes flickered up from Sara’s lips to meet her eyes instead, and Sara’s breath caught in her lungs at the intensity of Ava’s gaze because she  _ knew _ that Ava was feeling everything she was, and more.  _ Ava’s  _ heart was racing. Ava had lost the ability to focus on anything that wasn’t her, Ava was so enveloped in this moment that she’d lost the ability to breathe and to think and  _ fuck _ Sara had stopped believing in magic or fate or anything else a long time ago but she couldn’t deny that there was something magical about this, something inescapable, something inevitable. Something that was always meant to be.

Ava let go of her hand, fingers finding their way to her jaw instead, tilting her head up just a little. Sara’s breath caught in her throat again, because they were so close now, and this was  _ it _ , and - maybe - 

She bit her lip lightly, not pulling away but looking up to meet Ava’s eyes in time to see the same realisation she’d just had flickering through them, because they were  _ too _ close and it couldn’t be like this and it was still too soon, they couldn’t do  _ this _ right now, they couldn’t have what they both wanted. They shouldn’t start what they were about to until they knew it was the right time for a relationship, no matter how much they desperately wanted it.

Ava’s fingers trailed across Sara’s jaw yet again, touch light and gentle and enough to make Sara’s eyes flutter shut for the briefest of moments, trying to commit every detail of this to memory. Ava sighed, light but frustrated and apologetic, still close enough that Sara could feel her breath drifting across her lips. Her fingers curled into Ava’s sweater and it took every fibre of her being not to lean in and close the gap between them but she didn’t, because she knew once she did neither she nor Ava would be able to resist the temptation to give in and let this moment unfold.

“Sara,” Ava whispered, barely audible but holding so many emotions that Sara didn’t know what to do with them.  _ I’m sorry _ , the whisper told her. 

Her heart lodged in her throat, and she nodded. There was a warning in Ava’s voice too, a slight plea filled with desperation to make Sara understand, a  _ we can’t do this but I’m not sure I have the control to stop it _ , and it was what Sara needed to hear. “I know,” she said softly, watching as Ava swallowed.

Ava’s voice was still quiet, and a little shaky. “God, this is hard.”

Sara laughed, finally leaning back a little to put the tiniest bit of distance back between them, just enough that she wasn’t as tempted to lean back in and give into every instinct she had. “I know,” she said again, surprising both Ava and herself with the quiet, gentle laugh that slipped from her lips. She reached up, pulling Ava’s hair out from the collar of her sweater and tucking it back behind her ear, letting her fingers linger for a little longer than she should because if they couldn’t kiss, they could at least have this moment. 

She could still see everything Ava was thinking written across her expression. She knew the affection and appreciation and awe was reflected in her own eyes too, because both of their hearts were laid bare, the feelings that had once been so complex now pure and untangled and just lying dormant, waiting for someone to act on them. The situation hadn’t changed, and managing that was proving to be a challenge - mostly because they were both  _ right here _ and everything they wanted was  _ right here too _ they just couldn’t  _ have _ it - 

Sara bit her lip, finally tearing her eyes from Ava’s. “We should keep doing our work,” she said softly, and Ava nodded.

Her hand found Sara’s again and she squeezed it lightly, eyes starting to sparkle again just like they had earlier before she’d started teasing. Sara didn’t bother trying to hide her smile. “Although I’d love to be there when you tell your students that you didn’t mark their papers because you were almost but not quite making out with your ex-but-also-future-girlfriend.”

Sara’s cheeks flushed and she looked away, half heartedly whining “stop it” under her breath but not meaning it, because Ava was laughing quietly and Sara had suddenly remembered why that always used to be her favourite sound and besides,  _ future-girlfriend _ sounded like a promise and that in itself was doing things to her heart.

“I mean it though,” Ava added, gesturing towards Sara’s laptop with their joined hands. “Do your work.”

Sara sighed, shaking her head. “Now that’s the Ava Sharpe I remember from college,” she joked, making Ava laugh yet again. Sara’s eyes flickered down to their hands and she raised an eyebrow, looking over to Ava and fighting back another smile. “I might need my hand back.”

“You’re  _ reading _ .”

“And … typing. Sometimes.”

It couldn’t have been any clearer that neither of them wanted to let go, but the banter that felt a little like flirting and a little like it belonged in an established relationship was making both of their hearts flutter again and neither of them wanted  _ that _ to stop any time soon. Ava lifted their hands up to her lips, pressing a gentle kiss to Sara’s knuckles. “You’ll have to make do without it,” she said softly, and Sara’s smile got the best of her.

She’d fallen for a dork. 

Slowly though, they did return to the work they were supposed to be doing. Sara marked some papers, and Ava did some… whatever she was doing. Sara would get her to explain that to her better one day. They managed to pay attention, mostly, except for the fairly frequent stray glances in each other's direction - Sara couldn’t quite manage to push what had happened earlier to the back of her mind, but that didn’t matter and nor did her not-so-subtle glances at Ava’s lips, because every so often she would catch Ava’s doing exactly the same thing and they would both flush, matching awkward, shy smiles creeping across their cheeks.

Some days, it felt impossible that she could have a second chance with Ava, and other days it felt inevitable. Today, it was neither. They had built this relationship back up from the ground, pouring all of their care and attention into it, making sure that they did things right and didn’t leave any space for the mistakes that had torn them apart before. There was nothing inevitable about it, because it could just as easily have  _ not  _ happened. She could have gone back to LA after Jax’s funeral, or she could have left any time after. She and Ava could have refused to fix their mistakes, and never moved on. Jordan could have stayed, or Ava could have left. Any number of things could have been different along the way and they wouldn’t have ended up here, sitting on the floor in front of Ava’s couch with their hands and hearts intertwined. 

They had made the decisions that had led them here, and this was neither impossible nor inevitable, but it was  _ right _ .

“I’m so glad you’re you,” Ava said quietly, clearly lost in her own thoughts. Sara glanced over to her, a lump growing in her throat at the comment because she’d spent  _ years _ in LA berating herself for being  _ her _ , certain that that was what had torn them apart the first time. But perhaps it just hadn’t been the right time.

“I’m glad you’re you too,” Sara repeated, butterflies in her stomach making a reappearance when Ava turned to look at her with a bright, affectionate smile and an untamable light in her eyes. She was still wearing her heart on her sleeve. Her eyes flickered down to Sara’s lips for a split second, and Sara bit her lip, eyes fluttering shut.

When her phone buzzed with a text from Zari asking for a lift back home from her meeting if she was still at Ava’s, it was almost a relief. 

These moments were becoming far too frequent, and Sara wasn’t sure how long they’d be able to resist them.

* * *

_ Jordan Haverstock _ _   
_ _   
_ ** _iMessage_ ** ** _  
_ ** (Sara Lance)   
**Tuesday**

**  
** ** _5:03pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** hello I miss u my best frat boy

  
** _5:04pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** Get out I was just gonna text you

  
** _5:04pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** New year at SCU started yet?

  
** _5:05pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** yeah and i swear these freshmen get   
dumber every year

  
** _5:05pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** Ah yes, you sound like a very nurturing   
educational presence in their lives

  
** _5:06pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** hey, i’m not the one lecturing them,   
i’m just the one marking all their    
assignments, i see the stupidity within

  
** _5:06pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** I’m changing your contact name to ‘the   
stupidity within’ 

  
** _5:06pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** god I hate u

  
** _5:07pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** <3 <3 <3

  
** _5:08pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** how’re you doing? Xx

  
** _5:09pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** Way better

  
** _5:09pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** Settled into work, got some good friends   
and a good routine and found a nice gym   
and all of that stuff

  
** _5:10pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** Ava and I actually talked the other day

  
** _5:10pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** really???

  
** _5:11pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** Yeah, she messaged me and asked how I   
was doing

  
** _5:11pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** how was that? weird?

  
** _5:12pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** A little yeah, like, we’ve got to figure out   
how the hell to talk to each other when    
there’s nothing romantic behind it lmao

  
** _5:12pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** I don’t think we’ll be having like, weekly   
catchups anytime soon but it’s good to    
clear the air and know that we’re still okay   
even if we’re not talking all the time

  
** _5:12pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** And it was really nice to hear from her.    
She seems like she’s doing good?

  
** _5:13pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** yeah, I think she is

  
** _5:14pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** So how much am I missing? Has Ray proposed   
yet? How was Nate’s dig? You went and saw Jax’s   
mom a couple weeks ago right? How’s she doing?   
What about Mick’s book? 

  
** _5:15pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** wanna facetime? 

  
** _5:16pm:_ ** ** _  
_ ** Absolutely xx


	23. can we just pretend (we're not falling into the deep end)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "“Okay, what are we missing?” said Sara, sitting up. Her gaze shifted to rest on Ava and shot her a do you know something? look. Ava shook her head quickly, biting her lip to try hide a very obvious wide, knowing smile. There was something else in it though. A tiny spark of hesitance in Ava’s eyes. A hint of nervousness. It was an odd combination. “What?” Sara demanded. Ava’s focus shifted just for a second - barely a moment - to dart to something behind Sara, and it was enough. Sara narrowed her eyes, whirling around to try and see what Ava had glanced at. 
> 
> She almost fell off her chair." 
> 
> OR 
> 
> we're back! <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *insert 'it's been 84 years' gif here* 
> 
> ........ hello :-) 
> 
> firstly: sorry for like, a Month And A Half of no updates. 
> 
> secondly: we're actually not necessarily Sorry just because .... life was not good. that pesky thing called the global pandemic. a global revolution and racial equality movement that is Long Overdue but also terrifying to witness and also emotionally exhausting for the one of us who is a poc. additionally, this semester of uni for both of us has been .... a lot. a lot of work, difficult to manage with covid, just. mentally extremely taxing. mental health took a Dip and we truly both have had instances where we've barely had time to breathe let alone write a chapter of the fic, so putting this on hold for a while until we were both in a better place was definitely the best choice. 
> 
> HOWEVER. it has been, what feels like, 84 years. we've missed you guys and we've missed getting to upload these chapters, especially because this chapter - and the next couple after - are just. So Good, even if we do say so ourselves. we were so excited for them and having to wait for ages for you guys to read them SUCKED but !!! you get to now!!! 
> 
> (so like. please love them. and comment. we've missed you. the good stuff is So Close. we're still here. we're back!!) 
> 
> we hope u loved s5 of legends as much as we did to tie u over for the lil while we weren't posting! 
> 
> also we hope u are all doing ok and are looking after yourselves and staying safe. wear ur damn masks, wash ur hands, show up to protests if u can, donate, support ur BIPOC friends, HAPPY PRIDE MONTH, vote in ur elections and of course! find ur safe spaces! we hope this fic can be one for some of u :-) 
> 
> (p.s. chapter title is from deep end by birdy)

** _October 2020: _ **

“Why the fuck are we outside?” 

Sara gave Nate an exasperated  _ look _ , tugging her scarf off and tossing it in his direction. “ _ Because  _ you sook, it’s a beautiful day.” 

“It’s like 20 degrees,” said Nate, shivering and hurriedly wrapping Sara’s scarf around his neck. 

“You’re so dramatic,” Zari said with an eye roll. “It’s October, Nate. It hasn’t even started snowing yet. We’re  _ enjoying  _ the outdoors before it gets so cold that we’re relegated to our apartments until April.” 

“It’s already that cold,” Nate grumbled. 

They all laughed at his discontent, and then laughed harder at the way his face childishly lit up when their waitress came over with steaming mugs of coffee and hot chocolate. 

The whole group of them had managed to find a time and day for them to all take a couple of hours out of the week to get lunch together - a rare occurrence - and Sara, Amaya, Wally and Ray had insisted on their favourite little lunch corner with an outside seating area because it was a clear, bright sunny day, even though the air was crisp with an autumn chill. They were seated around a large, round wooden table with a beautiful vase of flowers in the centre. The petals of the flowers were caught in the sun, casting a series of flickering shadows on the table that Sara couldn’t help but watch contentedly. There was a hum of peacefulness to it all - the familiar noise of all of their chatter, the warmth of the sun, the vague, wafting scent of the food from the inside of the cafe. She only wished Ava was sitting beside her, because she’d gotten used to spending so much time with Ava, to being close to her, to evenings spent together until they were both falling asleep and had to refrain from crossing a line they weren’t ready to cross yet in their sleepy haze. Instead, Ava was sitting across the table from Sara because she’d had a meeting at work and only just arrived at the cafe. 

Ava seemed to feel Sara’s eyes on her and glanced over at her with a discreet, knowing smile. Heat rose to Sara’s cheeks and she immediately looked down, dragging her coffee towards her with a small, uncontrollable grin. As the waitress put Nate’s drink down in front of him, Nate’s shoulders sagged in relief as his fingers curled around his mug, and Sara kicked him lightly under the table. 

“We can go inside if you really are freezing,” she said. 

Nate smiled at her. “I’m fine,” he said. “Thanks for the scarf. Can I steal it for the Classics department hiking trip this weekend?” 

“Go for it,” Sara said with a chuckle. 

“You’re not going on the hike?” said Amaya, leaning forward on the table. Sara shook her head. 

“I’ve got Oliver’s big, extravagant 30th birthday party,” she explained, tracing a small crack in her mug absentmindedly. 

“Oh, that’s exciting!” Amaya said with a beam. “What’re you wearing?” 

“I still need to get something!” said Sara, grimacing. “I haven’t had time to go shopping - I dunno when I’m gonna go. I might drag Laurel along to late night at the mall after she arrives on Friday.” 

“You excited to see her?” asked Zari. 

“ _ So  _ excited.” Sara was unable to stop the bright, expectant beam from crossing her face. “I didn’t realise how long it’d been, but I haven’t seen her since my birthday. This year’s gone so quickly.” She shrugged. “I mean, I wish we could see each other for longer than a weekend but she’s got an insanely busy life. That’s what you get when your sister is a hot shot lawyer.” Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Zari oddly immersed in something on her phone, and she elbowed her playfully. “Earth to Zari.” 

“What?” said Zari, a little too loudly. 

Everyone raised their eyebrows expectantly. 

“Sorry,” Zari said quickly. “Just … work stuff.” 

“Everything okay?” said Ray, frowning in concern. “Anything I should know about?” 

“Calm yourself almost-boss-man,” said Zari with a grin. “Despite popular belief, the company can run without Ray Palmer managing every single thing.” 

“Almost boss man, huh?” Ava said, glancing over at Ray with an impressed look on her face. “I’m guessing you’re really climbing those ranks.” 

“Not  _ really _ ,” said Ray, flushing. 

“He’s lying,” said Nora, reaching over and smoothing Ray’s hair with a proud glint in her eyes. “He’s in the inner circle now. Plus, the CEO is thinking of selling the company. Ray’s one of his top picks to take over.” 

“Are you serious?” gasped Sara, slapping Ray’s arm. “Dude! You’ve been wanting to have your own tech company since like, 8th grade!” 

Ray looked embarrassed but pleased. “I know,” he said, smiling widely. “Nothing’s confirmed so don’t like …  _ say  _ anything. I gotta also talk to the bank about a loan and stuff if it comes to buying the company - I don’t exactly have that kind of money saved. But if it  _ does  _ all work out and we stay on the same road we are right now, the CEO’s salary should mean that I can pay back the loan within a year or so.” 

“Tell me you’re gonna rename it Palmer Tech,” said Mick. 

“Obviously,” said Zari, Nora and Sara in unison and everybody laughed. 

“I want a raise if you become the big boss,” Zari announced. 

“Z, that’s  _ favouritism _ ,” said Ray, scandalised. 

“You saying I haven’t earned it?” 

“Of course not, but I can’t just give my best friend a  _ raise  _ -” 

As the table dissolved into familiar banter and bickering, Sara sank into the welcoming hum of it all, sipping her coffee and laughing at the hilarity and warmth of being with her favourite people in the world. It wasn’t until Amaya - who was sitting beside Ava - gave a sudden, surprised little squeak that Sara spoke again, arching an amused eyebrow. 

“You good there Amaya?” 

“Yes,” said Amaya before taking a long gulp of hot chocolate. 

“The hell’s up with you?” asked Mick and Amaya shook her head, drinking more hot chocolate. Zari snorted with laughter, slapping a hand to her mouth to muffle it. 

“Okay, what are we missing?” said Sara, sitting up. Her gaze shifted to rest on Ava and shot her a  _ do you know something?  _ look. Ava shook her head quickly, biting her lip to try hide a very obvious wide, knowing smile. There was something else in it though. A tiny spark of hesitance in Ava’s eyes. A hint of nervousness. It was an odd combination. “ _ What _ ?” Sara demanded. Ava’s focus shifted just for a second -  _ barely  _ a moment - to dart to something behind Sara, and it was enough. Sara narrowed her eyes, whirling around to try and see what Ava had glanced at. 

She almost fell off her chair. 

“What the  _ fuck _ !” 

Everyone at the table burst out laughing and Sara scrambled off her chair, ignoring the awful sound of it scraping against the concrete footpath. 

“Laurel, what are you  _ doing  _ here?” 

Laurel beamed, stumbling a little when Sara launched herself at her sister in an exuberant, astonished hug but wrapping her arms around Sara’s middle and squeezing equally tightly. “Surprise!” she laughed, and Sara let out an incredulous huff, untangling herself from Laurel and staring disbelievingly at her friends. 

“Did you guys know about this?” 

“Only Zari,” said Laurel, throwing an arm around Sara’s shoulders. “But Amaya and Ava attempted - really, really badly - to pretend they couldn’t see me for a good minute there.”

“You took me by surprise!” complained Amaya. “I was  _ not  _ expecting that.” 

Ava’s expression was light and equally cheerful, but the nervousness was still clear - at least to Sara, who could read her like an open book. It made sense now though. Sara knew Ava and Laurel hadn’t seen each other since Sara and Ava’s graduation, and even then, things had been weird because Sara and Ava were on the verge of ending things. Sara knew Laurel still felt a protective wariness towards Ava, even though Sara had said countless times that they had both been equally responsible for the end of their relationship. For Laurel, Ava had been the reason Sara had been so broken for so many years, the reason she’d run away to LA and isolated herself from everyone she knew. And to an extent, that was true. Sara couldn’t blame Ava for a slight apprehension towards seeing Laurel again after 6 and a half years. Especially now that she and Sara were on the verge of something else now. It occurred to Sara suddenly that she had no idea how Laurel might feel about the idea of her and Ava getting back together. 

She wasn’t even sure if she wanted to  _ tell  _ her right now - not until she and Ava had more certainty about when they wanted to try this again. Right now, keeping this slow and to themselves was the best option. 

Besides, there were plenty of other things Sara wanted to share with Laurel in Star City. 

“You gonna steal Sara for the day?” asked Zari, interrupting Sara’s train of thought. 

“I don’t wanna interrupt this,” Laurel said, nudging Sara. 

“Why don’t you join us?” suggested Ava. “We haven’t ordered yet.” 

Laurel’s eyes softened a little and she exchanged a smile with Ava, one full of years of history and familiarity that made Sara’s chest warm. “As long as that’s okay?” 

There was a chorus of “Are you kidding?”’s and “Of course!”’s and “Hang on, I’ll get a chair.”’s and “Don’t be stupid.”’s and “Here, here’s a spare menu.”’s, before Laurel squeezed in beside Sara and the conversation sparked to life again, a myriad of questions asking Laurel about New York and her job and whether she missed Star City still, then backtracking to Ray’s potential promotion and Nate’s upcoming hiking trip and Wally and Nate each needing to be kicked under the table almost four times each when they almost let slip something about Ray proposing only to be saved by their waitress coming to take their orders. 

A little later, Sara caught Laurel watching her with a curious, almost proud expression. A warm feeling settled in her chest, and she lightly nudged Laurel’s shoulder. “What?” she asked softly, too quiet for anyone else to hear.

Laurel shook her head. “Nothing.” 

Sara met Ava’s eyes from across the table, but she then dragged her gaze back to Laurel. “No, what is it?” she said, wanting to hear whatever Laurel had to say, no matter how cheesy or unrelated it was. Laurel paused, taking her time to glance around at Sara’s friends, chatting amongst themselves but making sure to involve Sara and Laurel in their conversations too, all seeming so comfortable with each other in the familial way that made Sara remember why these people meant the world to her. 

Laurel smiled. “This feels like where you’re meant to be,” she said softly, and Sara nodded. It did, now more than ever.

She could feel Ava watching, just out the corner of her eye, not in an ‘I’m curious about your conversation’ kind of way, but more as though she was as distracted by Sara as Sara was by her. They always seemed to gravitate towards each other. Sara nodded, returning Laurel’s smile. This _ was  _ where she was meant to be.

* * *

**Instagram** **  
** (sara_lance)

  
_ Friday 9th October at 8:04pm: _

** _  
_ ** ** _You uploaded 1 new story._ **

happy (belated) 30th to   
the dude who’s been in   
my life for as long as i   
can remember!!! 

i love ya so much ollie,   
thanks for always being   
the person i can count on   
to throw a stupidly big   
party with lots of free   
champagne ;-) 

@oliverjonasqueen   
@thea.queen   
@tommy.a.merlyn   
@laurel.dinahlance

#ollieturns30

  
_ Friday 9th October at 8:41pm: _

_   
_ ** _ava.csharpe replied to your story:_ **

Holy shit you look AMAZING

  
shhhhh 

  
I’m serious, that dress is 

S o m e t h i n g 

Wow

  
you gonna say something about how   
it would look better on your floor?

  
Hey you said it, not me ;-) 

I am far too drunk for you to be saying   
these things and also expect me to not   
show up at your apartment after this   
party okay

  
Okay, promise I’ll stop ;’-D

  
no don’t stop this is good for my self   
confidence 

OKAY NO ACTUALLY DO STOP BC   
KNOWING DRUNK ME I’LL END   
UP ACCIDENTALLY SHOWING    
LAUREL 

  
Go have fun! Talk tomorrow xx

  
  
_ Friday 9th October at 10:58pm: _

_   
_ ** _laurel.dinahlance uploaded 1 new story:_ **

I need  @thea.queen to stop    
effortlessly throwing back   
tequila shots and then somehow   
being able to walk straight in   
those (my) heels because I still   
am adamant that she isnt older   
than like 13 

Does this make me old?

#ollieturns30   
**Verdant**

  
_ Friday 9th October at 11:12pm: _

** _raymondcpalmer replied to this story:_ **

Please tell me Moira is not   
witnessing this I feel like it   
would give her a stroke

It was impressive enough that   
she survived Oliver’s bad boy   
phase in college

  
No, thank god, we moved from   
the Queen’s place to Verdant   
at like 10:30 and Moira and the   
other Real adults all stayed 

  
_ Friday 9th October at 11:26pm: _

_   
_ ** _ava.csharpe:_ **

Get out THEA STOP IT

Make her drink juice

  
I TRIED

This girl is more of a party   
animal than Sara was in    
freshman year and I 100%   
hate it SHE IS A CHILD

**  
** **Facebook** **  
** (Sara Lance)

**  
** **Moira Queen uploaded 42 new photos.** **  
** October 12th.

Thank you to everyone who came out on Friday to celebrate Oliver’s 30th birthday! It was a wonderful evening and we all had a spectacular time. Thank you  **Verdant** for catering, and to our dear family friend Tara and her team for their photography! Here are a few snippets from the night :-) 

_ You, Oliver Queen, Felicity Smoak, Dinah Drake and 237 others liked this.  _

**View other 104 comments****  
****Laurel Lance: **@Sara Lance Pictures are up!  
**Rene Ramirez: **@Curtis Holt @Felicity Smoak @Thea Queen @Roy Harper Damn don’t we look goooooooood  
**Thea Queen: **baby how u feelin FEELIN GOOD AS HELL  
**Patricia Phillips: **Looks like a lovely night!   
**Dorothy Heywood: **Would love to catch up sometime Moira :-)   
**Oliver Queen: **Thanks for the best party Mom <3 Love ya 

  
  


**Instagram**

**  
** ** _sara_lance uploaded 3 new photos:_ **

30 whole years of  @oliverjonasqueen is pretty freakin wild. Thanks for reminding us that we’re all getting really really old buddy. And for being my friend from the dawn of time. (And a pretty good ex ;-)) And for employing me ( #verdantforever ) and always being down for spontaneous catch ups, pancakes for dinner, laughing til we can’t breathe, and being as good as family <3  #ollieturns30

** _Tagged: laurel.dinahlance, oliverjonasqueen, tommy.a.merlyn, thea.queen, roy__harperr, felicitymsmoak, john.diggle, dinah__drake, curtis.holttt, rramirezz_ **

** _Liked by: _ ** _ ava.csharpe, amayajiwe, zari__tomaz, laurel.dinahlance, raymondcpalmer and 142 others. _

  
  
_ Monday October 12th at 5:02pm: _

** _ava.csharpe sent you 1 post._ **

Wow so this dress looks even   
better when the photos are HQ   
huh?? 

what would you do if I just   
showed up at your place in   
this dress ;-)

  
Lose my mind

  
Good to know

  
  


* * *

_ Ava Sharpe _ _   
_ _   
_ ** _iMessage_ ** ** _  
_ ** (Sara Lance)   
**Monday**

_   
_ ** _10:06am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** hi

  
** _10:06am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** Hi there

  
** _10:08am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** Sara, you okay?

  
** _10:09am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** okay question

  
** _10:09am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** are we being subtle? we are right?

  
** _10:10am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** like

  
** _10:10am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** none of our friends suspect anything   
and nobody is asking us why we’re so   
close and it’s all going fine and we’re   
figuring this out and so we’ve gotta be   
pretty good at being subtle at this point   
right??????

  
** _10:11am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** We’re not even Dating yet Sara

  
** _10:11am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** We barely have anything to need to   
be subtle about

  
** _10:12am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** yeah but you know what i mean

  
** _10:12am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** Why? Is something wrong?

  
** _10:13am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** yes 

  
** _10:13am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** no 

  
** _10:13am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** not really but maybe?

  
** _10:14am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** i really don’t know

  
** _10:14am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** Talk to me? We agreed to keep each   
other on the same page about this,   
remember? 

  
** _10:15am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** yeah i know

  
** _10:15am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** it’s nothing to do with Us

  
** _10:15am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** far from it

  
** _10:16am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** Laurel?

  
** _10:16am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** how did you know?

  
** _10:16am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** You were different while she was here

  
** _10:17am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** bad different?

  
** _10:17am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** No! Of course not

  
** _10:17am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** I could just tell you were being really   
careful not to let something slip, or let    
her see that something was happening   
between us

  
** _10:18am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** fuck, i’m sorry, was i kinda shitty to   
you at all? or weird or distant???

  
** _10:18am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** Sara, no!! 

  
** _10:19am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** It’s not like you were the only one who   
was feeling weird with Laurel here this   
week. Last time I saw her was graduation   
and god that was a strange day

  
** _10:20am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** did you guys talk at all while she was   
here? 

  
** _10:20am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** Just briefly that day at lunch while everyone   
was getting ready to leave

  
** _10:21am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** was it weird?

  
** _10:21am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** Very

  
** _10:22am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** it occurred to me this week that she    
might be a little disapproving of us   
when we Do eventually do this again   
properly and we start telling people

  
** _10:22am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** Yeah I had the same thought

  
** _10:23am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** I always loved Laurel, I hated knowing   
she probably thought the worst of me   
after we broke up

  
** _10:24am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** she never thought the worst of you aves

  
** _10:24am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** i’m her little sister, she was always just   
protective 

  
** _10:25am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** What did she say? That made you think we   
weren’t being subtle?

  
** _10:26am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** it wasn’t anything like That

  
** _10:26am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** idk 

  
** _10:27am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** i mean she asked about you, obviously

  
** _10:27am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** and about how you’ve been doing since   
jordan left and she asked abt how jordan   
is doing in london also and all that

  
** _10:28am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** and then she just commented that we seemed   
a lot closer than when she was here for my    
birthday 

  
** _10:28am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** and i guess i just told her that a lot’s changed   
in that time and that you and jordan were there   
for me on dad’s anniversary and you made so   
much effort to make me feel at home again   
when i was feeling weird abt it all and that i   
was rly involved in you and jordan tryna figure   
things out about jordan’s job so when jordan    
left i did what i’d do for any other friend in    
that situation and we’ve just stayed rly close   
since then

  
** _10:29am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** and she just give me this Laurel Lance Lawyer Look

  
** _10:29am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** Why do I still remember those looks

  
** _10:29am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** BECAUSE THEY PIERCE INTO UR SOUL

  
** _10:29am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** and then she said that we were the kind of    
close she remembered us being at the start    
of sophomore year

  
** _10:30am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** Oh shit

  
** _10:30am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** YEAH SEE THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT

  
** _10:30am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** and i just told her that we had so much history   
that ofc we were gonna be close and we know   
each other better than most friends know each   
other bc we’re exes so yeah

  
** _10:30am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** and then she dropped it

  
** _10:31am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** do you think she knows??

  
** _10:31am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** I don’t think so

  
** _10:31am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** I think maybe she suspects you might   
have feelings for me? Or vice versa? But   
same as everyone else, I don’t think she   
suspects anything about us getting back   
together because it’s probably the last   
thing anybody expects from us

  
** _10:32am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** you say that as though laurel still doesn’t   
like you or something

  
** _10:32am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** I mean Sara, I doubt she loves me much

  
** _10:32am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** that’s not true!!! you never did anything   
wrong!! or at least, we both did wrong,    
nothing was Your Fault

  
** _10:33am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** it was a mutual breakup

  
** _10:33am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** Yeah but it was probably easier for her   
to hate me a little because she was all   
the way in New York

  
** _10:34am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** She didn’t run into me in the middle of   
the organic grocers wearing kitten pj   
pants and ugg boots with hair that hadn’t   
been washed in a week and mascara crying   
smudges by my eyes buying ice cream and   
rocky road slices at 9pm bc I missed you so   
much 

  
** _10:35am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** oh god

  
** _10:35am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** who saw you doing that?

  
** _10:39am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** Aves?

  
** _10:40am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** Your dad

  
** _10:41am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** wait what?

  
** _10:42am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** when was this?

  
** _10:43am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** Maybe three weeks after you left   
for LA?

  
** _10:43am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** he never said anything

  
** _10:44am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** I asked him not to. I didn’t want you to   
feel weird or guilty if you were doing okay

  
** _10:44am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** i definitely was not doing okay three   
weeks into LA

  
** _10:45am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** He was really sweet

  
** _10:46am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** Your dad I mean

  
** _10:46am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** He gave me a hug and told me that he was   
sad we hadn’t made it work but that he was   
still here if I ever needed anything

  
** _10:47am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** was that the last time you saw him?

  
** _10:48am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** Nah, I saw him after that

  
** _10:48am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** I saw him around the city every once in a while   
and he always smiled at me, came and asked if    
I was doing okay if he had time

  
** _10:49am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** I really miss him sometimes 

  
** _10:50am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** you were always his favourite out of   
everyone I’d ever dated x

  
** _10:51am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** <3 

  
** _10:52am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** You okay about Laurel leaving? And her   
asking about us?

  
** _10:53am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** yeah i’m good

  
** _10:54am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** i just hope she’ll be okay with it when   
we tell her

  
** _10:55am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** I think she’ll approve as long as you’re happy

  
** _10:56am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** And we have all the time in the world to    
figure everything out, okay? X

  
** _10:57am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** sorry for bugging u at work x

  
** _10:58am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** You’re always a welcome distraction xx

  
** _10:59am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** ditto ;-) 

  
** _11:00am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** although nate and i have to go help some   
hopeless freshman on something so i    
have to goooo

  
** _11:00am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** thanks for being the best x

  
** _11:02am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** See you at Amaya’s tonight?

  
** _11:02am:_ ** ** _  
_ ** of course x

* * *

“I feel like we do this far too often,” Nate groaned, picking up a heavy cardboard box so he could move it to the stack near the front door. He groaned under the weight, and Sara grimaced.

“Need a hand with that?”

“I’ve got it,” Nate insisted, looking decidedly like he hadn’t. Sara watched him carry it across the room, glancing over to Ava just in time to see her roll her eyes. Zari snorted, tossing a few couch cushions into the large wicker hamper that Ray had pulled out of his closet earlier with a satisfied ‘ha!’, waving it around as if it was exactly what they needed. 

“He does this every time,” Zari grinned. “Just wait - in twenty seconds he’ll walk back over whining about pulling a muscle in his arm. The same thing happened when he helped us move, and when we were packing Ava’s stuff too.”

(He did exactly as Zari had predicted. This time, whilst stretching out his arms behind his back until his elbow joint clicked, making Amaya wince, Zari cackle, and Ava nudged her shoulder as if to say  _ ‘you see this? I’m glad you’re here for it.’ _ )

Sara sighed overdramatically, fighting back a smile at Nate’s antics. She cleared her throat, answering the question that he probably hadn’t been expecting an answer to. “This is a weird time of our lives, I guess. We’re all moving around, getting new jobs and needing new apartments, falling in love -” she fought to keep her gaze from drifting over to Ava, clearing her throat instead “- and deciding to settle down.”

Ava’s pinky nudged hers, subtle enough that no one in the room would have noticed it, but still enough to make Sara’s breath catch in her throat, the vague unspoken prospect of getting to have this with Ava someday seeming  _ real _ in a way that it hadn’t been until now. 

Zari held up a photo of Ray and Nora from a few years ago that had been framed and was sitting on the bookshelf. They looked so young there, despite it only having been a few years prior. Although, Sara supposed, now was the time in their lives when everything was starting to change. Zari glanced over to the open bedroom door, but they could all hear the music Nora had put on playing through her portable speaker and there was no way either Ray or Nora would be able to hear them from here. “Do you think he’ll propose soon?” she asked, and Amaya’s eyes widened.

“Z!”

“They can’t hear me!”

“They could walk in any time!”

Zari hesitated for a second but then shook her head, looking over to Sara as if expecting an answer. (Albeit a quiet one.) Sara wasn’t paying much attention though, because the moment she’d seen Ava tense out of the corner of her eye her focus had shifted and she’d started wondering, once again, whether now was a time when Ava would prefer her to acknowledge her feelings or leave her to quietly process things on her own for as long as she needed to. It was almost definitely the mention of the proposal that had sent Ava spiralling through endless memories, thoughts inevitably drifting to the wedding she never got to have. It didn’t help that the last time they had all come to help someone move it was her needing a change of scenery after Jordan left either.

Sara’s fingers itched at her side, and she fought against the urge to let Ava know she was there.

Their friends being present wasn’t an issue, because none of them would notice her slipping her hand into Ava’s or lightly nudging her shoulder to remind her that she was here, and she understood, and Ava didn’t have to go through this alone. Besides, the others were all preoccupied now, because Nate had chipped in with his two cents and it had led to a (hissed, barely audible, but incredibly amusing) debate on whether Ray would plan an elaborate proposal and stick to it or blurt out the big question much earlier than he intended.

Sara bit the inside of her cheek, risking a tentative glance in Ava’s direction. 

At that exact moment Ava’s hand slipped into hers and she squeezed it, tightly, as if reassuring herself that Sara was here right beside her, and would remain right beside her for as long as she wanted. As if - Sara hoped, at least - she was reminding herself that she  _ was _ loved, and would get this kind of happiness one day. Sara’s heart unclenched slightly. She could be the support Ava needed - and she would be. 

Ava turned to look at her, ignoring the chaos that was the rest of their friends for the time being in favour of mouthing ‘ _ thank you _ ’ and gripping her hand tighter, not quite ready to let go.

Ray stuck his head around the door, not seeming to notice that the conversation that had been happening abruptly cut off when he appeared and was replaced by Nate loudly retelling a story about how last week he’d tripped whilst walking into his office and spilt coffee all over himself, all over the floor, and all over the poor new museum intern who Sara had brought over to the university for the afternoon. Ray’s gaze flickered between them, and then landed on her. “Can I borrow you for a minute?” 

Just her? Sara gave Ray a curious look, but then nodded. She glanced over to Ava to check she was alright and then extracted herself from the piles of items surrounding her, making her way over to the doorway . “What for?” she asked, growing more and more curious as she followed Ray down the corridor towards his and Nora’s bedroom.

“I found - ” Ray paused. “I’ll … I’ll just show you.”

He led her into the room, gesturing to the large cardboard box that was on the bed, thoroughly taped up and more dusty than anything else in the room. Before he had the chance to elaborate, Nora stood up, checking the closet once more and then smiling over at them both. “I’m gonna go see where the others are up to,” she said, and Sara was immediately filled with the feeling that both Nora and Ray knew something she didn’t. 

She racked her brains for something she might’ve missed. It sounded a lot like Nora was making excuses to leave her and Ray alone, and although she probably shouldn’t have immediately started second guessing every decision that had led her right here she couldn’t help it. He wasn’t going to ask about Ava, was he? They’d been closer in the last few weeks - since they got back from LA, really - but they hadn’t been _ overly _ affectionate when anyone else was present, and they hadn’t decided that they were ready for a relationship yet so surely they’d given Ray no cause to -

Ray looked back to her, and gestured towards the box. 

“That’s yours,” he said, and a vague puzzle piece started to slot into place in Sara’s mind. “It’s full of things Ava gave me after you guys broke up. I know I said I’d keep it as long as you wanted, that’s still true if you don’t want it back yet, but I thought … well, you and Ava are friends now and you’ve been back here for over a year and if you’re looking for the ‘right time’, I’m not sure there’ll be a better one.”

Oh. 

He’d mentioned this earlier in the year - really early, just after new years - but Sara had completely forgotten about it until now. She had no idea what was in there - she didn’t remember what things she had left in her and Ava’s apartment, because she’d packed in such a rush that she’d left far more than she thought behind and had ended up having to buy all sorts of things upon arriving in LA. Even beyond that - she’d left over six years ago. She remembered many details in picture perfect detail, but this wasn’t one of them. 

Sara bit her lip lightly, and then nodded. 

“I’ll have a look through it,” she offered, and Ray smiled as if he’d predicted this. That, or he was smiling because last time he had brought this up Sara had curled her nails into her palms to fight back the memories of packing and had shaken her head at him, telling him to keep her things, because she didn’t want them. Because back then, everything in this box had felt tainted by Ava, whereas now she’d managed to separate memories of Ava from memories of college and her friends and Star City. Ava was just a _ part  _ of that time in her life. 

Since last time they’d talked about this Sara had changed and learnt from those memories of their time together and had finally had the chance to actually  _ process _ them. She was in a vastly different headspace now then she had been back then, and Ray could clearly tell.

“There are scissors on the bedside table,” he said quietly, one hand resting on the doorframe. “Let me know if you need me, okay?”

It was evident by the way he was hovering that he wasn’t sure whether to go and give her space to unpack this final part of her and Ava’s relationship or stay. Sara smiled, nodding. “I’ll let you know,” she agreed, reaching for the scissors. “And Ray - thanks.”

Ray’s smile was even softer than her own. “Anytime.”

Sara fought back another smile. Hopefully, there wouldn’t  _ be _ another time. She and Ava were going to make sure of that. That was  _ why _ they were still waiting; they both needed to ensure things would work out as planned between them if they started a relationship again, and moving forward before they were 100% ready wasn’t a good place to start. Sara slipped one blade of the scissors under the edge of the tape, running it down the full length of the box so she could then pull the flaps open.

She chewed the inside of her lip, heart rate picking up slightly. She’d just agreed with Ray that this was the right time, and she wasn’t going back on that now, but - 

She caught sight of the stack of photos at the top of the pile of her belongings, photos of her and Ava mostly, along with some group photos - some of her  _ favourite _ photos - and her throat went dry. Most of them still had blutack on the back from where they’d been hastily tugged off of walls, the corners bent, some photos a little torn. With shaking hands, Sara picked up the top photograph. It was from their trip to the beach back in October of sophomore year, before she and Ava had even started dating, but when Sara could remember feeling something for her for the first time. The photograph was of Ava, Sara, Zari and Amaya sitting up by the dunes, the upper right corner of the photo filled with the brilliant, shimmering blue sea behind them. It was a little faded though, and had a red tinge, as though the photo had been left somewhere in the sun for a long time before being put away. Sara’s eyes burned.

She couldn’t cry right now. Not when the rest of their friends were in the next room, not when Ray was definitely going to check in on her sometime soon. There would be time, eventually, to dwell on the memories associated with each and every item in this box. At this moment, Sara just had to see what was in it, so that she could take it off Ray’s hands. She exhaled slowly and picked up the whole stack of photos, placing them beside her on the bed. Next in the box was a Star City Police Department t-shirt. Thin, gray, with a web of holes and rips along the bottom. Sara had won it at the Star City PD summer picnic when she was 16, and it was what Ava had stolen to sleep in once they’d started dating. The fabric was cold and smelt a little musty from six years shut up in a box at the back of Ray’s closet. Sara carefully folded it and placed it beside the photos. 

Other items in the box had less emotional weight - some of Sara’s old textbooks, pairs of socks, binders filled with notes and graded essays, old phone cases, some books Sara had forgotten she’d given Ava to read months before they broke up, a pair of light pink heels, a cap and a beanie, a bottle of perfume, a sweater Sara had thought she’d lost during moving apartments over the years. 

There were, of course, more bits and pieces that made Sara’s stomach jolt when she saw them - a print Sara had commissioned an artist on Instagram to make of her and Ava’s favourite places in Star City that she’d given to Ava for their six month anniversary, two copies of a strip of photo booth photos from the arcade the whole gang of them had frequented in their early years of college, napkins and post-its and scraps of paper with little messages and notes and plans for the future Sara and Ava had made over the years. 

She’d finally hit the bottom of the box when the door to the bedroom creaked. Sara glanced up (relieved and a little proud that she hadn’t succumbed to tears during this whole unpacking) expecting Ray, only to straighten a little when Ava glanced into the room instead. 

“Hey,” said Ava. “You oka -” She stopped when she caught sight of the box, and the stuff littering the bed around Sara. Recognition flickered on her face. “Is that -” 

“Yeah,” said Sara, moving the box to the floor. “I uh - I’d asked Ray to hang onto it the last couple of times he asked me if I wanted it back, but I figured after six years he’s probably sick of putting aside space in his closet for it.” 

“Four years,” Ava corrected and Sara furrowed her eyebrows in confusion. Ava bit her lip, eyes flashing with the same resigned sadness from when she’d told Sara about visiting LA after they’d broken up. “I … I gave Ray a box when I moved out of that apartment. It had your textbooks and college stuff … stuff that was  _ yours _ , you know? But … all the stuff to do with  _ us?  _ I actually held onto it until after your dad died. I mean - it was in a box in the back of  _ my  _ closet but … it wasn’t until then that I thought there was probably a better chance of it getting back to you if I gave it to someone else.” 

Sara gave her a small, knowing smile. “And that was when you started to properly move on and having sentimental shit about your ex-girlfriend at the back of your closet wasn’t conducive with that?” 

Ava’s lips twitched upwards with amusement. “Yeah and maybe that too.” She shook her head. “I hate that we ended things badly because I would’ve loved to have felt okay about keeping some stuff that reminded me of you. I - I never wanted to  _ forget  _ you Sara. Our whole situation was just so weird then.” 

“I know,” said Sara. “All of the stuff to do with us I somehow managed to take with me to LA is now in the storage container where we keep all of the stuff from our old house. I was so angry at you for not being at Dad’s funeral that I just wanted it gone. Thank god Laurel convinced me not to burn it all.” 

Ava laughed softly, crossing the room to stand by the foot of the bed. “Wow. I forgot about a lot of this stuff.” 

“Me too,” said Sara. “Can’t believe I left a bottle of this perfume here - this shit costs like $50 a bottle.” 

Ava rolled her eyes, reaching over to pick up one of the books stacked by Sara’s knee.  _ The Jungle Book.  _ “I never finished reading this,” she admitted quietly. 

“Mom read it to me when I was little.” 

“I know,” Ava said with a small smile. She paused. It was a hardcover book - an old one, with a fabric-like illustration that had stood the test of time and still had the bright, vibrant colours Sara could picture from her childhood. Ava traced a finger over the tiger. “Can I borrow it?” 

Sara raised an eyebrow. “Will I ever get it back?” 

“Of course you will!” Ava said, swatting Sara’s arm. Her eyes caught sight of the photos and clothes and Sara heard her breath hitch. “Oh.” She leaned over again, this time, curling her fingers around the tattered SCPD t-shirt. “Wow. I - I forgot about this.” 

Sara rested her chin on her knee. “Yeah. Me too.” Something tugged at her chest as she watched Ava carefully put  _ The Jungle Book  _ back on the bed and hold the t-shirt with both hands, reverently tracing the cracked lettering. Sara couldn’t even remember how often she’d worn it, but it was so distinct in her mind because almost every night for two and a half years, she fell asleep to Ava wearing it. It barely counted as a piece of clothing now, with how worn it was, and Sara wondered if Ava would think she was being stupid for asking this, but she still quietly said, “Do you want it?” 

Ava’s head snapped up in surprise, gaze meeting Sara’s. “Really?” 

“You don’t have to take it,” Sara said quickly, heat rising to her cheeks a little. “I know it’s ragged as hell. I just - I know I’ll never wear it but if I’m not, I have no excuse to hold onto it and I don’t wanna throw it out -” 

“No, I’d - I’d love to have it,” said Ava, a small smile crossing her face again. “Have it  _ back _ ,” she added with a glint in her eye. She tightened her hold on it a little. “Comfiest damn sleep shirt I ever had.” 

Sara tugged the empty cardboard box back towards her, starting to repack it with its contents. “Who am I to separate the true love between you and that t-shirt?” 

“Oh, so is that why I never got my Fresno High School sweatshirt back?” said Ava, arching an eyebrow. 

Sara pursed her lips. “I think Laurel has that.” 

“You  _ think _ ? That was my favourite sweatshirt! You don’t even know where it is?” 

“You had my $50 bottle of perfume!” 

“Nah uh, not even  _ close  _ to the same thing -” 

“Hey, I’m letting you have the t-shirt. That calls us even.” 

“You never  _ wear  _ this -” 

“You have a million sweatshirts! Plus, I haven’t seen you in a sweatshirt more than like, twice, in the last year and a half, you’re too  _ sophisticated  _ for them now.” 

Ava snorted. “You’re impossible.” 

Sara flashed her a shit-eating grin. “Why do you even put up with me?” 

Something in Ava’s eyes softened and it made Sara lose her breath a little. Ava gently reached over, tucking some of Sara’s hair behind one ear, fingers lingering with a feather light, barely there touch along Sara’s jaw that made Sara’s stomach flutter. 

“You’re the easiest person in the world to put up with,” said Ava, and Sara wondered whether she should start keeping a tally of how many times in a day she had to resist the temptation to kiss Ava right there. She cleared her throat and scooted back a little on the bed to grab some of the box contents and repack them. Ava let her hand drop back to her side before kneeling on the bed beside Sara and helping her with all the scattered items. 

“What?” asked Sara when Ava hesitated while holding the Star City print. 

“Are you gonna put all of this stuff away again?” Ava asked. 

Sara paused. She considered it, because her first instinct had been  _ yes _ . This was stuff from six years ago - stuff that didn’t really fit in Sara’s life now. But then again … maybe it did. Or at least  _ would _ , soon. This was history of her relationship with Ava, a relationship that no longer left a sour taste in Sara’s mouth or made her eyes burn. She reached over, easing the print out of Ava’s hand and looking over it again. There were only a few buildings on it because it was a small print (square, just big enough to have been on Ava’s pinboard above her desk without taking up too much room). One was Old Lady Ericson’s bakery with the perfect custard tarts, another the main SCU campus building. The other two were: a bookshop Ava had spent endless hours dragging Sara around in between classes, and the tiny family run Italian restaurant Sara had taken them to on their first date.

“No,” she said finally, meeting Ava’s eyes. “I think it’s been in here long enough.” 

* * *

** _July, 2015:_ **

_ She hadn’t ever realised how much  _ ** _stuff_ ** _ she and Ava had collected over the years they were together, but looking around her LA apartment - the third one, this time one she hoped to stay in for a while - she couldn’t help but pick up on it. _

_ She didn’t have lots here, but it wasn’t as if she had nothing either. There were books on her bookshelf - a couple, at least. There were clothes in her wardrobe and chest of drawers. There were a few photos, mostly landscapes she’d taken and pictures with her family, tacked onto the wardrobe door and the slightly tatty pinboard that the previous tenants had left behind. She had a shelf full of odds and ends, shells she’d picked up walking down by the beach, two spare pairs of sunglasses, her headphones and lip balm and a potted plant she had so far managed to keep alive. _

_ She’d bought some art to pin up on her walls from a stand down by the beach a few weeks ago and it made the apartment look bigger and brighter somehow, distracting from the typical off-white walls of rented accomodation. _

_ Her room didn’t look empty - that was the point she was trying to make. Despite her not having what most other people would class as ‘many possessions’, her apartment looked like it was hers, and it didn’t look underfurnished or devoid of personality. Which felt odd, because when compared to every place she and Ava had lived the decorations  _ ** _were_ ** _ sparse and the bookshelves _ ** _ were_ ** _ empty and there were so many other things missing - things that they hadn’t ever really needed in the first place. _

_ Their relationship had become cluttered. And it wasn’t that she didn’t miss it - she did, badly, even after a year in LA - but they should’ve sorted through everything they had at some point and worked out what they needed to keep and what things to throw away. They could’ve thrown away both pairs of old running trainers lurking at the bottom of the wardrobe, and the broken Christmas decorations in a box in the cupboard under the TV. They could’ve gotten rid of their insistence on having friends over so they stuck to their routine even when they wanted a quiet evening spent together. Sara’s habit of leaving open binders on the kitchen counter could’ve gone, but Ava’s tendency to roll her eyes and shut the binders a little too hard and shove them back onto the bookshelf needed to go too. _

_ Living on the other side of the country without the people whose presence she had come to expect in her life and without all of the junk she hadn’t needed to hold onto was giving Sara plenty of time to learn what was essential, what she just liked having around, and what she’d never needed to hold onto in the first place. She was learning to like this calmer existence, on the days when she wasn’t plagued by memories of a relationship she no longer had.  _

_ It gave her a chance to think about what went wrong. _

_ If she dated again, she’d make sure it wasn’t like her relationship with Ava had ended up being. They’d keep a grip on the important things, sure, but they’d make sure to let go of everything that didn’t matter. Little arguments, mistakes, all of it. She’d develop a relationship based on love, and hold onto that no matter what. She’d decorate their apartment with her favourite memories, rather than trying to cram everything into it.  _

_ It’d taken her until a year after the break up to realise what truly mattered, and in this case it was too little, too late, but she could learn at least, and do things better in the future. _

* * *

  
  


** _November, 2020:_ **

A year was a long time, and it  _ did _ feel like that, but Sara had settled back into this life - this relationship with Ava - so easily that the period not so long ago when Ava hadn’t been around and hadn’t been okay with her and hadn’t been someone she could turn to when she needed her felt as though it was a million years ago. When she considered that -  _ properly _ considered it, and split that year into pieces that she could wrap her head around - twelve months was such a short space of time.

And yet in that time, everything had changed. She had Ava had changed. The relationship they had now wasn’t something she would have even dared to dream about twelve months ago, it hadn’t been anywhere in the realm of possibility. Her and Ava being just  _ okay _ had seemed like a stretch at the time, and now they were … more than okay. They were fantastic. They were perfect and wonderful and capable of sorting out the issues they had before, and they were being patient and being careful and doing things right this time. And there was nothing that proved how far they had come than being here, standing on the balcony of Amaya’s apartment at the not-quite-Thanksgiving dinner she’d once again decided to host, this year, a week after Thanksgiving to ensure they were all free and could make it. 

It had been a lovely dinner - devoid of the tension that had been hanging around her and Ava this time last year. In fact,  _ so _ devoid of any tension that Sara was starting to worry about the others noticing this  _ thing _ between her and Ava. They’d talked about being more open and more affectionate with each other, sure, but they still weren’t ready to have everyone’s eyes on them, second guessing their decisions before they had a chance to make them. Not that anyone  _ had _ noticed. 

Zari had given her a casual eyebrow quirk earlier when she had completely unnecessarily slipped her hand into Ava’s to pull her over to the table, but it had barely been more than a glance. She hadn’t read into it, because there wasn’t much to read. Sara and Ava were exes. And given how badly their relationship had fallen apart last time, there was no way anyone was expecting them to get back together. Which felt like a blessing, most of the time. It was only when Sara thought about it for a little too long that she wondered whether it was possibly making this more difficult than it had to be, because on top of everything going on with them she and Ava now had to wonder about their friends’ reactions too.

What if their friends thought this was a mistake?

Sara swallowed. Jordan didn’t, she reminded herself, and Jordan was probably a better, more rational judge of this situation anyway. Jordan was actively encouraging her to pursue this, and there was nothing Jordan wanted more than for all three of them to be happy and have the perfect, fulfilling love lives they’d all dreamed about when they were younger. If this  _ was  _ a mistake, Jordan would have been the first one to tell her so.

Before she had the chance to overthink that though, Ava came to lean on the balcony beside her and looked out across the city, not saying anything for a while just existing in the calm space that always seemed to surround them now whenever they were together. 

Sara glanced over to her, enjoying the quiet moment without needing to interrupt it. It was nice having Ava here beside her. She’d put on a slightly nicer top than she usually wore for this meal, and some of her hair was neatly pinned back whilst the rest of it cascaded over her shoulder in a style Sara hadn’t seen since their college days, beautiful and just as breathtaking as it had been then.

This was the right decision.

Eventually, Ava turned to look at her. “What’re you thinking about?” she asked, words soft enough that they almost carried away into the night. 

Sara’s cheeks flushed slightly and she ducked her head down, hair falling in front of her face before she tucked it back behind her ear. She knew she had that familiar sappy smile on her face again, but she couldn’t help it. Ava always brought it out when she was around. Her voice was soft when she responded, brimming with an affection that she was  _ finally _ allowed to express. “You.”

She was certain Ava’s cheeks had turned a little pinker, matching her own, although the darkness hid them a little. Ava shook her head slightly, a soft unsurprised laugh slipping from her lips. “‘Course you are,” she said, and something simple about her having  _ anticipated  _ the response hit Sara deep within her chest.

“And us,” she added, making Ava’s smile widen. “And… everything that’s changed since a year ago.”

Ava turned so she could lean her back against the balcony, looking back into the apartment and taking in the bustling scenes within. This felt like last year had, in a way. And yet -

“It feels like forever ago,” Ava said quietly, taking the words right out of her mouth. “Last Thanksgiving, that is. I remember it so clearly, but it feels distant at the same time - even though I know that doesn’t make any sense. Back then I was still so frustrated with you for how you were acting towards me, even though it was sort of justified, and I had so many things I needed to apologise for. We talked about your dad, and me not being there for the funeral, do you remember?”

“I remember,” Sara said quietly, with a small smile. “Of course I remember. I’m not sure I’ll ever forget. That conversation last year… it was such a relief, because I’d spent  _ years _ obsessing on all of these details about where you could have been and whether you wanted to be at the funeral at all, or whether you were avoiding me right when I needed you. I’d made you into someone you weren’t in my head, and it twisted my memories of you. That one simple conversation we had right here managed to clarify everything I needed it to.”

Ava nodded. “It did the same for me.”

Sara couldn’t help laughing softly at that, turning her head a little so she could look at Ava leaning against the edge of the balcony beside her. Everything had been so complicated, but now it was so easy.

“It gave us space to be friends again,” she said, watching as Ava turned to look at her with another of those small, quiet, just-for-her kind of smiles. It had been the start of them becoming more than friends again too, in a roundabout sort of way, and Sara could tell those words were on the tip of Ava’s tongue. Neither of them said it though. They didn’t need to. 

If that conversation hadn't happened, they wouldn’t have ended up here. They wouldn’t have become okay with each other again, they wouldn’t have spent time hanging out and having fun and remembering everything that made them such good friends in the first place. They wouldn’t have become close enough that when Jordan got her promotion, Sara was the first person she and Ava turned to for advice and support and a listening ear. 

If they hadn’t had that conversation a year ago, there was no way in the world that Sara and Ava would now be toeing the line between a friendship and a relationship, both of them seconds from jumping in headfirst and not looking back. 

They would have missed out on  _ this _ .

And Sara would forever be grateful that they’d managed to turn that situation around, and change things so much for the better.

A moment passed, and when Sara dragged her thoughts back to the present she could have sworn she caught Ava’s eyes flickering down to her lips, lingering there for a moment longer than was reasonable before her gaze flickered back up and she met Sara’s eyes, bright and breathtaking and beautiful. She was so close. She was  _ too _ close, but it had been a year since they’d finally made peace with things between them so in a way this felt so  _ right _ and Sara could see it happening, every moment playing out in front of her eyes in picture perfect detail. Ava bit her lower lip softly, hands coming to rest against Sara’s hips, thumb skimming lightly across the strip of skin just above the waistband of her jeans.

Sara’s eyes fluttered shut, fighting with every ounce of control she had left not to close the quickly decreasing gap between them. “Ava,” she murmured, brain kicking in at the last second and reminding her that their friends were all just inside the apartment and even though this seemed like perfect timing it probably wasn’t and -

“I know,” Ava whispered, warm breath ghosting across Sara’s lips, making Sara’s heart catch in her chest and the lump in her throat grow and her fingers curl further into the soft fabric of Ava’s top.

“Now’s not -”

“I know.”

“We -”

“I know, Sara,” Ava repeated, voice even softer than before. 

Sara let out a slow, measured breath. “I swear to god Aves,” she said through grit teeth, “I didn’t think I was capable of this level of self control - especially when it comes to you. Holy  _ shit. _ ” 

Ava stepped away finally, her laugh that wonderful red wine rasp that Sara adored, her eyelids sparkling as the streetlamps outside caught the glitter of her eyeshadow, her lips a sharp, bold red that did not make it any easier for Sara to find some sort of convincing reason not to surge forward and just  _ kiss  _ her. 

“You know that I’m really, really fucking grateful, right?” said Ava, one hand sliding along the railing to brush against Sara’s. “That you … that you  _ get  _ it. That you’re waiting, even now, when it’s ridiculously frustrating. I swear I’m not dragging this out just for the sake of it, the minute I feel like I can dive into this, you’ll know -” 

“You don’t need to thank me, and you don’t need to explain it to me,” said Sara firmly. “We have a lot riding on this, right? It’s worth waiting for.” 

Something flashed in Ava’s eyes and Sara was surprised at the playful grin that worked its way onto her face. She glanced over her shoulder, briefly making sure that all their friends were occupied inside and not facing in the direction of the balcony, before returning her attention to Sara. Before Sara even knew what was happening, her back was pressed hard into the balcony railing, and Ava was in front of her, so close that Sara wasn’t even sure there was an inch between them, their hips flush together, Ava’s fingers curling into Sara’s waist as she leaned in. For a second, Sara couldn’t breathe. Hadn’t they just agreed that this wasn’t  _ the moment _ ? But then - 

“I can promise you,” murmured Ava, her voice low and soft with a little hint of teasing because she knew that this was making something jolt in Sara’s stomach, she knew that the shiver that went up Sara’s spine had nothing to do with the cold, “that I will definitely make the waiting worth your while.” She was so close that her lips brushed against Sara’s ear and Sara snapped her eyes shut, teeth sinking into her bottom lip frustratedly. 

And then Ava was gone, and Sara’s eyes burst open to catch her walking backwards back towards the window to the apartment, a very knowing smirk on her face. 

“I’m gonna fucking kill you,” Sara announced. 

Ava arched an eyebrow, her smirk growing wider. “Now that’s not in the spirit of Thanksgiving, is it?” 

It was all Sara could do to refrain from pushing Ava through the window as Ava laughed at the expression on her face.


	24. at first the sun may hurt your eyes (but soon you'll see the beauty in the light)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Waking up with Ava right here beside her made all of the little complexities from the last few months - the last few years - fall away. Here, right now - this felt so strongly like _how things were meant to be_ in a way that Sara never had any hope of explaining. Maybe not even to Ava. The weight of Ava’s arm around her waist was so familiar, the warmth of being curled up together in a bed that smelt faintly of Ava’s perfume made that last shred of uncertainty fade away. Sara could stay here forever."
> 
> or
> 
> everything finally falls into place (.... eventually)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY 
> 
> NOT MUCH TO SAY ABT THIS CHAPTER BECAUSE IT'S ONE OF THOSE 'JUST GO READ IT' MOMENTS BUT 
> 
> THANK YOU FOR BEARING WITH US FOR AN EXTRA WEEK AS WE TRY GET BACK INTO THE RHYTHM OF THIS STORY, THANK YOU FOR THE LOVE AND SUPPORT WITH THE LAST CHAPTER EVEN THOUGH IT'S BEEN LIKE TWO MONTHS, WE'RE SO SO LUCKY TO HAVE YOU GUYS READING OUR STORIES AND BEING SO KIND AND AMAZING AND MAKING WRITING THESE FICS THE MOST INCREDIBLE EXPERIENCE EVER (i know this sounds like a Final Chapter note, it's not, i'm just having a moment) 
> 
> TITLE IS FROM BEAUTY IN THE LIGHT BY HOLLOW COVES GO READ THE CHAPTER NOW BYE

** _December 2020: _ **

Fingers trailed through Sara’s hair and she blinked, dragging herself out of her half-asleep haze, initially a little disorientated. It could only have been around 11pm, but she’d barely gotten any sleep the night before and at some point during the course of the movie she and Ava had been watching she must have dozed off, because Ava was now crouched in front of her, the TV switched off, the glasses and plates from earlier nowhere to be seen. Ava had probably put them in the dishwasher before waking her, and for some inexplicable reason that filled Sara with a familiar, Ava-related warmth. 

Ava smiled, watching her slowly wake herself up. Her hand was resting against the couch cushions, and Sara longed for it to return to her hair - she might have been dreaming, earlier, but she could’ve sworn she’d felt Ava’s nails raking lightly against her scalp, rhythmic enough to lull her back to sleep when she shifted, woken by the audio playing through unreasonably nice sound system Ray had insisted on installing at Ava’s apartment. (Not that anyone had protested. They  _ did _ spend most of their movie nights here, after all). Tonight hadn’t been a group movie night though, and Sara was guiltily a little glad of that. Because if it had been Nate would have woken her up by throwing the sweater she’d discarded halfway through the evening at her and then offering her a lift home, and Amaya would’ve interrupted to say she’d already offered Zari a lift so it made more sense for them to share, and it would have dissolved into them all teasing Amaya and Nate about whose driving was better, and Sara would’ve missed out on moments like  _ this _ . 

“Hi sleepyhead,” Ava grinned, voice gentle and teasing. The dim flames of the candles they’d lit earlier danced in Ava’s eyes, and Sara felt flickers of affection growing in her chest too, flames licking around her heart and encasing it, warming it. 

Sara smiled, running one hand through her tangled hair and wincing when the crick in her neck reminded her that she was a little too old to be using the arm of the couch as a pillow, making Ava shake her head fondly. “That’s what you get for falling asleep here,” she teased.

Sara rolled her eyes, and Ava laughed but then bit her lip for a second, the pause hanging in the air between them. It didn’t match the lightness of the conversation they’d been having, but it didn’t clash with it either. Ava swallowed, and Sara suddenly caught sight of the way her fingers were fidgeting, her whole posture poised with a flightiness that was so uncharacteristic from Ava, who was usually calm and collected and composed. 

“Aves?” Sara asked, voice a little thick with sleepiness. “Are you o-” 

“Stay.” 

Sara pushed herself up, a sudden electric current alighting in the air, running through the room with a charge that Sara could feel buzzing around her. 

“On the couch?” she asked hoarsely. Ava’s nerves were clear as she sucked in a sharp breath and then shook her head. 

“You’re too old to be sleeping on this thing, remember?” she said, voice far lighter than the meaning behind her words. This wasn’t a simple invitation. It could never  _ be _ a simple invitation, not with their past, not with the number of times they’d been in a situation like this before but when the same offer hadn’t been extended. 

Sensing her hesitance - or disbelief, or tired delirium, or any host of things in between - Ava reached out, taking one of Sara’s hands in both of her own. “Stay,” she repeated, even softer than before, this time a slightly shy request that made warmth and adoration erupt in Sara’s chest. 

Sara nodded, before managing a small grin and lightly saying “Look at you, taking advantage of me in my half asleep state to get in my pants.” 

Ava rolled her eyes with fond exasperation, chiding Sara with a squeeze of her hands. “Sara, I hope you know that I am far too tired and have to be awake way too early to be up until god knows when, knowing you -” 

“Oh, think you could keep up?” smirked Sara, pushing to keep the fierce blush on Ava’s face. When her indignant glower faded into something with a flash of insecurity, Sara let up immediately, tugging Ava’s hand so that she could see her expression properly. “Hey. I … I was kidding.” 

“No, I know,” Ava said, her smile gentle. “It’s - it’s not about  _ that  _ right?” 

Something - a wonderful mixture of relief and affection and comfort and safeness - flooded through Sara and she couldn’t help but reach out to cup Ava’s face in one hand. “No,” she agreed softly. “It’s not about that.” 

Ava meant it. This invitation. Sara knew now that she didn’t need to check that - she could see it in her expression, hear it in the weight of her words. She could see it in the curve of her lips, feel it in the softness of her touch, hear it in the sureness of her words. Ava wanted to take this step. She wanted to cross this line they’d only toed up until now. She wanted to fall asleep with Sara next to her, wanted to wake up by her side - she wanted Sara to be the last thing she saw before she closed her eyes, and the first thing she saw when she blinked awake in the morning. 

And  _ fuck _ , Sara wanted that too.

She nodded, letting Ava pull her up from the couch, keeping hold of her hand as Ava led her across the apartment, a few steps in front of her. This felt like a much bigger moment than it should’ve been, but Sara didn’t mind that. In fact, she liked it. This time, she was getting to appreciate all of these tiny, minute details that she’d missed last time they did this, because back then they’d fallen into a relationship quicker than either of them had anticipated. This time, she was enjoying their awkward hesitance and quiet, affectionate smiles. She was enjoying that something as simple as sleeping in the same bed as Ava meant the world to her. 

When they reached Ava’s bedroom Sara paused, one hand resting lightly against the door frame. “If you’re sure,” she said quietly, checking just one last time. “I don’t have to stay, if now’s not the right time.”

Ava shook her head, giving Sara’s hand a light squeeze. “No.” she said quietly, with a final, definitive certainty. “Now  _ is  _ the right time.”

* * *

** _November 2011:_ **

_ “It’s complicated!” Sara objected, causing Ray to roll his eyes.  _

_ “It’s not.” He prodded her in the arm with the thermodynamics textbook he was about to put down, one finger in place to hold his page until he managed to find a bookmark. They’d come to the library to study, allegedly, although ever since Ava had come over to their table earlier to ask Sara if she could borrow some change for the printer, Ray had been much more interested in speculating about her relationship status. “Maybe it was once, but right now it’s not complicated, it’s the furthest thing from it.” _

_ Sara sighed, leaning back in her chair and putting the cap back on her pen. She clearly wasn’t going to get any work done until they had this conversation. (Not that she prefered doing work to talking about Ava - they both knew that she could talk about her for hours if she wanted, all of her friends had had to sit through that at one point or another.)  _

_ “She hated me for such a long time,” Sara said quietly, “And sure, we’re friends now - good friends, best friends - but that still  _ ** _happened_ ** _ . At the start of college last year we despised each other.” _

_ Ray shrugged one shoulder. “And?”  _

_ “And that’s not a great basis for a relationship?” Sara attempted to finish, the pitch of her voice creeping up at the end as uncertainty settled in. “There wasn’t any foundation for us disliking each other so intensely in that first semester, but we still did.” _

_ “I don’t see how that’s relevant,” Ray argued. Someone on an adjacent table shot an irritated glance in their direction, and Ray lowered his voice, attempting to keep this conversation just between them. “You made up in what - May?” _

_ “The 18th,” Sara murmured accidentally, completely missing Ray’s fond but exasperated expression. She had no reason to remember that date, but it was one she’d never managed to let go of.  _

_ Ray bit his tongue, and Sara got the impression he had things to say, but was going to hold them back to yell about with Zari and Nate later. “The 18th,” he repeated, tone letting her know that he had thoughts with a capital T about her reciting that, instantly, the moment he brought it up. “The 18th of May. That was seven months ago, and you spent June as friends and then had the whole summer to grow and change and get over whatever dumb grudges you were still holding. This year you two got so close, so fast - we can all see the way you look at her.” _

_ Sara ran one hand through her hair, frustrated. It wasn’t that she didn’t  _ ** _want_ ** _ this. She just - there was no point hoping for it, not really. “I know,” she admitted quietly. “I know the way I look at her. I catch myself sometimes, and I hate that I have to do that, because I want her to know. But this friendship started on such shaky footing, and it’s messy and intricate and I’m just - I’m not sure it’ll work out.” _

_ Ray was watching her in a way that made her a little uncomfortable, his eyes seeing a little too clearly into the depths of her heart. Sara shifted in her seat, twirling a pen between her fingers.  _

_ “I’m not calling myself a relationship expert,” Ray said softly, gaze fixed on hers. “But you  _ ** _keep_ ** _ telling me it’s complicated, over and over and over again. And that’s not true. Your past might be messy, and sure, the road to get to whatever you two have now was rough, but in the end it just comes down to you, and her, and your blatant feelings for one another. You like her. And she likes you.”  _

_ He was always so kind, and so optimistic - he had been from the day Sara first met him. Right now was no exception. “When you say it like that it sounds simple,” she said quietly, attempting to keep Ray’s infectious hopefulness out of her voice. _

_ He nodded, reaching for his textbook with a small, gentle smile that somehow managed to say ‘you’ve got this’ and ‘we’re all be here beside you’ and ‘trust me’ all at once. “Yeah, Sara. That’s kinda the point.” _

* * *

It was the sun that woke her, because neither of them had remembered to roll the blinds all the way down in the haze that was the end of last night. They’d both been too distracted by each other, and by trying to maintain a somewhat respectable distance between them once they’d slipped into bed. Sara blinked, the golden light disorientating her for a moment until details from the night before started to reappear, creeping through her mind one by one like faint notes of a song playing three streets away, drifting closer on the wind. Ava’s fingers, trailing through her hair. Ava’s lips, brushing lightly against her temple when she was still so sleepy that she wasn’t paying enough attention. Ava’s hand in hers as she pulled her up from the couch and over to her bedroom, smile confident and affectionate and  _ certain. _

Ava, Ava, Ava.

Whatever distance they’d been stupidly trying to maintain over the night was gone, because Ava was warm and cosy against Sara’s back, lips brushing against the skin of Sara’s neck in a way that made sparks tingle down her spine. Ava had always kept her window cracked just a little for as long as Sara had known her, even now, in December when it was 40 degrees outside, but Ava was so close and the covers were so heavy over them both that Sara couldn’t even feel the tiny whistling breeze creeping through the gap in the window. 

Waking up with Ava right here beside her made all of the little complexities from the last few months - the last few  _ years  _ \- fall away. Here, right now - this felt so strongly like  _ how things were meant to be _ in a way that Sara never had any hope of explaining. Maybe not even to Ava. The weight of Ava’s arm around her waist was so familiar, the warmth of being curled up together in a bed that smelt faintly of Ava’s perfume made that last shred of uncertainty fade away. Sara could stay here forever. 

She shifted slightly and Ava let out a small murmur of discontent, moving closer in her sleep. Her fingers crept under the shirt Sara had borrowed to sleep in - one of  _ hers,  _ she’d noticed - and skimmed the patch of skin just above Sara’s waistband. Sara couldn’t stop a smile from crossing her face and she managed to shimmy slightly out of Ava’s grip to roll over and face her. 

“Hey,” she said in the quietest, raspiest of early morning whispers. “Aves. Wake up.” 

Ava didn’t open her eyes but a little, delicate smile graced her face. Her fingers traced the divots of Sara’s spine. “My alarm is set for 7am,” she mumbled tiredly. “You’re awake and it hasn’t even gone off yet. Who are you and what have you done with Sara Lance?” 

“You say that as though I don’t have a very good reason for being up early,” said Sara, nudging Ava’s feet with hers. 

“Oh, really?” Ava teased, smile widening. “And what would that be?” 

Sara paused. 

It felt like a million years since the last time she’d woken up next to Ava. Since she’d opened her eyes and seen the way Ava’s hair was falling out of the loose bun she always bundled it into before going to sleep. The way Ava’s skin was still just a little cold because her apartment building turned the heating down around midnight and only turned it back on at 5. The little diamond stud earrings in her ears that she’d forgotten to take out the night before. Tiny smudges of mascara in the corners of her eyes. 

“Sara,” said Ava, voice a little softer. She’d opened her eyes. Sara swore they were bluer than usual. 

“Yeah?” she murmured.

“You had a good reason for being up before 7?” Ava had a gentle, fond, still sleepy smile on her face. 

“I did,” said Sara with a nod, grinning. “Needing to pee. And utilising the amazing water pressure of your shower.” She swung her legs over the edge of the bed, ignoring the crisp chill in the air as she padded around the bed to duck out of the room towards the bathroom. 

“Are you kidding me?” complained Ava, sitting up. “Sara!” 

Sara turned in the doorway, leaning against the doorframe. “Since when have you been one to talk me out of personal hygiene?” 

“Since the alternative was you in bed with me,” Ava shot back and Sara’s stomach flipped at the glint in Ava’s eyes. “Sara. C’mon. Get back here.” 

Sara bit her lip, fiddling with the hem of her t-shirt as a sudden swarm of buzzing erupted in her belly at the familiarity of this, but a different, expectant, palpable nervousness hung in the air. “I do actually need to pee,” Sara admitted quietly. Ava laughed and it made Sara’s chest warm. 

“Okay,” she said, leaning forward and resting her chin on her knees. “But - come back, yeah?”

For the first time, Sara couldn’t hear any edge of uncertainty in Ava’s words. She smiled, soft and brimming with emotion, knowing full well that everything she was feeling was as clear as could be, heart on her sleeve as it so often was around Ava these days. “We both know there’s no place I’d rather be.”

This was dating. There was no other explanation for it, not anymore. Sara slipped back into bed and pulled the covers back up, breath coming out in a surprised, affectionate rush when Ava’s arm immediately returned to her waist, pulling her closer. Not-quite-awake Ava was clingier than usual, and it was yet another thing that Sara hadn’t realised how badly she’d missed until now. There was something about her girlfriend -  _ girlfriend? Holy shit that sounded kind of weird _ \- insisting they spent the remaining time before her alarm went off curled up so close they could barely tell where Sara’s skin ended and Ava’s began that made her feel … well,  _ loved _ . Adored. Wanted, in every way. 

Ava’s thumb traced the gentlest of circles across Sara’s hip, and Sara’s eyes fluttered shut - meaning she missed seeing Ava lean forward, missed her eyes flicker up to Sara’s lips, missed her smile twitch into a slight smirk, and missed her shifting slightly so she could press the lightest of kisses to Sara’s bare shoulder, exposed due to the collar of the oversized sleep shirt she’d borrowed slipping a little. Instead, she felt Ava’s lips trailing lightly across her skin, completely unexpected.

Her stomach fluttered, a quiet gasp escaping.

She opened her eyes to find Ava’s directly in front of her, fixed on her, piercing. Sara’s breath left her in a rush. She swallowed, and when her words came out they were quiet, disbelieving. “This isn’t real.” Ava hummed vaguely, and Sara shook her head. “No way is this real. After the last six years…”

“Want me to pinch you?” 

Ava laughed when she rolled her eyes. “Maybe I do,” Sara admitted, heart skipping beat when she noticed the look in Ava’s eyes. She let out a slow, measured breath. “This is it, isn’t it?”

It wasn’t really a question, because they both already knew it. They’d known the moment they woke up that there was no going back from this. Something had clicked into place, something beautiful and breathtaking and  _ right _ . “Ava…”

Ava’s tongue slipped out to wet her lips, and she nodded. “This is it,” she said, almost reverent. “I’m ready for this, if - if it’s what you want?”

Sara held back an incredulous laugh, but Ava’s lips twitched anyway. “ _ God,  _ yes. I want - I want to date you. I want you to be my girlfriend, Aves. I want to wake up like this every morning, I want to be free to tell you every thought that pops into my head about how beautiful you are and how lucky I am, I want a relationship and I want to - ”

_ Kiss you _ .

_ I want to kiss you, and keep kissing you, and kiss you until neither of us remember how to breathe and the six years between us vanishes and we can feel in our bones that we belong, that we have each other, that neither of us are going anywhere. I want you to  _ ** _know _ ** _ how much I love you, I want you to  _ ** _feel_ ** _ how much I love you, I want - _

Ava murmured her name, followed by something else, but Sara missed it. She was too consumed by the overwhelming realisation that Ava was lying in bed in front of her, gazing at her in a way that could only be described as adoring, and  _ she could kiss her. _

Sara’s heart rate picked up, and she took another shaky breath. This shouldn’t scare her. It made no  _ sense  _ that it scared her - they’d already kissed, back in LA, and they’d spent the last few weeks fighting (and in some cases, not fighting) the tension growing between them - and yet, it did. Because this time, if she leant in and closed that gap between them, neither of them would have to pull away. Neither of them would break the kiss, and they wouldn’t be able to blame it on tiredness or drunkenness or surprise or any of the other excuses they’d used in the past. This would be  _ it _ .

She rolled on top of Ava, propping herself up on her elbows, delaying the kiss she wanted desperately, burningly, with every fibre of her being, but was also daunted by for a little moment longer. 

Except now, Ava was underneath her. Now, Ava’s hands were resting against her waist, lower than they had been before, and Sara’s hair was falling over her shoulders and brushing lightly against Ava’s collarbones, and she’d shifted into the sunlight and Ava was looking up at her with an expression that distinctly said  _ I want to kiss you too _ and there was absolutely nothing holding either of them back. Ava’s eyes traced a path from Sara’s lips across her jawline, down her neck and across to her exposed, lightly freckled collarbone, and then returned to where they’d started.

Sara reminded herself, once again, that she could kiss Ava. If she leaned a little closer - dipped her head down - let herself meet Ava’s lips - 

Sara’s phone rang. 

Loud and shrill and with the ringtone she had assigned for  _ Verdant  _ and Sara could suddenly feel  _ this  _ even more keenly than before - the weight of Ava under her - and she heard Ava’s murmur of “you’ve gotta be kidding me.” Sara almost reached over to throw her phone out of Ava’s conveniently still open window. She closed her eyes, and counted to ten. 

_ They had time. She wasn’t even rostered on today.  _

“It’ll be work,” she said, doing a poor job at holding back her frustration. Ava nodded, teeth catching on her lower lip in a way that made Sara want to quit her job right then and there just so they could finally have  _ this _ , the moment they’d been waiting for for months -  _ years _ . She could feel Ava’s skin burning every place it touched hers - her legs, warm and smooth and freshly shaved the morning before, her shoulder resting against Sara’s arm where Sara had propped herself up on the bed, her lips, inches away from Sara’s, breath hot and taking Sara’s mind to places that couldn’t match worse with her harsh ringtone, still demanding to have her attention.

Ava’s gaze slipped back down to Sara’s lips, and Sara exhaled shakily. Work could wait. Frankly, work could fuck off, because Ava - because  _ Ava _ . 

She’d barely made that decision when Ava’s phone started buzzing too, insistently, vibrating against the wooden bedside table just a millisecond out of step with Sara’s but still enough to be jarring. Ava groaned. “That’ll be my alarm.” 

She was a little breathless and sounded even more frustrated than Sara felt, if that was even possible. Ava’s cheeks were even more flushed than before, and Sara didn't have the brainpower left to hide the response that was eliciting from her. Ava moved to tap her alarm off, and Sara rolled onto her back and ran one hand through her hair, then reached for her phone. It was still ringing, which meant nobody on the other end had hung up when Sara hadn’t answered, a clear indication that something was wrong. There was a little pang of guilt in her chest and she shuffled up into a sitting position as she swiped to answer it. 

“Sara?” 

It was Nellie, her voice high pitched and a little desperate. 

“Hey, yes,” said Sara. She couldn’t help being glad that Ava hadn’t made any move to get up, still just lying beside her, watching Sara with piercing blue eyes that no longer held any little bit of sleepiness. “Sorry. I was asleep.” 

Ava smirked a little. Sara swatted her. 

“I’m so sorry,” said Nellie, words coming out in a rush. “I know it’s your day off and I really really wouldn’t call you if it wasn’t urgent -” 

“I know Nell,” said Sara, starting to bury the small hope in her chest that maybe this would just be a quick phone call where someone needed to know where something was stored in the basement and she could then turn her phone on silent and get back to  _ Ava.  _

“The Hughes Foundation Christmas Party is today,” said Nellie. “It starts at 12 and goes until about 8 or 9pm tonight.” 

Sara could hear  _ that  _ tone in her voice. For fuck’s sake. Today was supposed to be her day off, not her day to work 9 hours for a shitty rich people Christmas function where everyone was gonna be drunk and demanding and the disgusting old guys were gonna be handsy and revolting. 

“Who called in sick?” she said with frustrated resignation, dropping her head to her knees. 

“Andy and Tyler,” said Nellie. “They both got food poisoning at the same party last night. I could literally hear Tyler throwing up in the background when Andy called me. And I would’ve called absolutely anyone else but all the other people on the on call list are casuals and I know they wouldn’t be able to handle a Christmas party because it’s completely different from a regular shift and I know you’re the only person I could call in who would make the day run smoothly even if we’re a person down.” 

Sara gritted her teeth. “I want manager’s pay for the day,” she said. 

“Oh, don’t worry,” said Nellie, and Sara could  _ see  _ the scowl on her face from her tone. “If we have to put up with 9 hours of groping guys and their Karen wives then we’re both getting manager’s pay.” 

Sara kind of wanted to cry. She’d been looking forward to this day off  _ so  _ badly after working two weeks straight between  _ Verdant  _ and SCU. “What time do you want me in?” she said, rubbing her eyes. 

“I can handle things here for a couple hours, I know how to set things up,” Nellie said, but Sara could hear her trying to make up for calling Sara in. 

“Who’s helping you?” she interrupted. 

Nellie paused. “Just Lou.” 

“You’ve got  _ two  _ people trying to set up an  _ entire  _ end of year company function in four hours?” exclaimed Sara, bolting upright. “Jesus Christ Nellie, okay, I’ll be there in an hour.” 

Nellie let out such a huge breath of relief that Sara couldn’t really feel  _ that  _ frustrated about this whole situation. Nellie was a good kid and Sara liked working with her and Louis, and the unpredictability of the end of year parties always made for interesting shifts. Plus, they always got to eat the chef’s leftovers and drink champagne as they cleaned up afterwards. 

“I fucking love you Lance,” Nellie declared. 

“Keep it in your pants Nell,” Sara chuckled. “See you soon.” She hung up, tossing the phone onto the bed in front of her. Ava had also sat up during the phone call, and she pushed some hair away from her face with a slightly dejected expression. 

“Guessing you have work?” she said. 

“Literally kill me,” said Sara, sinking back into the pillows  _ just for a second _ . “Christmas party. 9 hours. Working understaffed. What did I do to deserve this?” 

“Be a reliable employee,” said Ava with a quiet chuckle and Sara reached out blindly to shove her with an annoyed groan. Ava caught her hand, curling her fingers around it and tugging Sara upwards. The feeling of Sara’s breath being trapped in her chest suddenly returned and she darted her eyes up to Ava’s, heart thundering. 

“What?” she said before she could stop herself. 

Ava bit her lip, carefully tucking some of Sara’s hair behind her ear. Inexplicably, it made Sara want to pull her into a forceful kiss. She supposed anything was enough to make her want to kiss Ava at this point. 

“Do you want to come back here tonight?” Ava asked, voice shaky in a way that had nothing to do with uncertainty, not anymore. “Rain check this for then?” 

“Yes,” Sara agreed far too quickly, and amusement flickered in Ava’s eyes. Sara flushed, glaring at her. “Shut up. I could always just go home.” 

“Don’t you dare,” said Ava and Sara grinned. 

“Okay.” She reached over, gently tracing her thumb over Ava’s cheekbone. She could feel the way Ava’s breath hitched and Sara wondered how the  _ fuck  _ she would find the self control to actually get up and leave this bed and go to work when  _ this  _ was her alternative. (She knew she would. Even though it was very clearly the stupider of the two options.) “Tonight, then?” 

Ava nodded, curling her hand around Sara’s and squeezing. “Tonight.” 

* * *

_ Tonight _ didn’t quite work out the way they planned. 

  
  


_ Ava Sharpe _ _   
_ _   
_ ** _iMessage_ ** ** _   
_ ** (Sara Lance)   
**Thursday**

**   
** ** _8:06pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** hey, party’s just wrapping up but I think   
we’re gonna have like, 3 or 4 hours worth   
of cleaning and resetting the club for a   
normal shift tomorrow, will that be too   
late for me to come round? 

  
  


_ Ava Sharpe _ _   
_ _   
_ ** _iMessage_ ** ** _   
_ ** (Sara Lance)   
**Thursday**

**   
** ** _9:53pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Fuck I’m so sorry, there was an emergency   
board meeting called at work for 8pm, I   
haven’t checked my phone since before then

** _   
_ ** ** _9:55pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** I think I’m gonna have to spend another hour   
or so at work, there’s been this whole shit show   
with our Gotham City branch fucking up with   
this really important project and now we’ve   
been given it but it’s due midnight on Sunday

** _   
_ ** ** _9:56pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** I’m sorry Sara, I might have to rain check tonight   
too, is that okay? 

  
  


_ Ava Sharpe _ _   
_ _   
_ ** _iMessage_ ** ** _   
_ ** (Sara Lance)   
**Thursday**

**   
** ** _11:24pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** yeah of course aves, i literally just finished   
work and i think i’d rather sleep on the    
floor of verdant rather than having to    
drive home so 

** _   
_ ** ** _11:24pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** tomorrow night? 

** _   
_ ** ** _11:36pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Tomorrow xx

* * *

**** Tomorrow didn’t exactly work either.

  
  


** _Messenger_ ** ** _   
_ ** (Sara Lance)

adult disasters™   
_ Active now _

_ FRI 1:18PM _

** _Ray:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Hi! 

So! 

News!

  
** _Nora:_ ** ** _   
_ ** _ Sent 1 photo.  _

_   
_ ** _Ray:_ ** ** _   
_ ** :-D :-D :-D

  
** _Nate:_ ** ** _   
_ ** o H MY GOD y OU DID IT

  
** _Zari:_ ** ** _   
_ ** HOLY SHIT WHAT

  
** _Wally:_ ** ** _   
_ ** AHHHHHHHHHHHHH

  
** _Mick:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Nice job haircut 

  
** _Jordan:_ ** ** _   
_ ** OH MY GOD YOU GUYS

  
** _Wally:_ ** ** _   
_ ** WHEN

HOW

WHEN

@Nora DID YOU KNOW

@Ray I AM SO PROUD

  
** _Nora:_ ** ** _   
_ ** I had absolutely no idea and I don’t   
know how because this guy is the   
Worst at keeping secrets 

  
** _Ava:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Oh my god you GUYS! 

I’m so happy for you!!! <3 

  
** _Nate:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Did she cry tell me she cried

  
** _Nora:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Shut the fuck up Nate

  
** _Ray:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Yes she cried

  
** _Nora:_ ** ** _   
_ ** RAY

  
** _Zari:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Holy shit you guys are getting MARRIED

  
** _Nora:_ ** ** _   
_ ** I am still trying to wrap my head around    
that whole concept 

  
** _Sara:_ ** ** _   
_ ** why the fuck is my phone blowing up   
at 1:30pm on a friday 

  
** _Zari:_ ** ** _   
_ ** SCROLL UP SCROLL UP SCROLL UP

  
** _Sara:_ ** ** _   
_ ** i’m at WORK

  
** _Zari:_ ** ** _   
_ ** SCROLL 

THE 

  
** _Nate:_ ** ** _   
_ ** FUCK WORK

  
** _Zari:_ ** ** _   
_ ** FUCK

  
** _Jordan:_ ** ** _   
_ ** SARA JUST GO CATCH UP

  
** _Zari:_ ** ** _   
_ ** UP

  
_ 1:48pm: _ _   
  
_

** _Sara:_ ** ** _   
_ ** OH MY GOD

  
** _Ray:_ ** ** _   
_ ** :-D :-D

  
** _Sara:_ ** ** _   
_ ** NO WAY 

I am at work i cannot start crying   
right now

holy shit you guys

  
** _Nora:_ ** ** _   
_ ** You guys all free tonight?

  
** _Zari:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Hell yeah

  
** _Nate:_ ** ** _   
_ ** OF COURSE

  
** _Jordan:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Yeah I’ll just pop on over ;-) 

  
** _Nora:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Oh ha-ha

For real though you better fly over for   
the wedding 

  
** _Jordan:_ ** ** _   
_ ** As soon as you have a date I’m booking   
flights xx

  
** _Ray:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Whoever’s free come over tonight!! We’ll   
have a lil celebration dinner & drinks! :-) 

* * *

Sara was trying incredibly hard not to be frustrated that Ray had chosen today of all days to propose. She was delighted for him and Nora - truly ecstatic - and they made the perfect couple, and Ray had already waited longer than he should’ve had to to avoid proposing right after Jordan and Ava’s engagement had fallen apart, and the smiles that hadn’t left either of their faces all evening were bright enough to light up the entire block. And yet despite the perfection of the soirée they’d put on this evening, with the lights and decorations they’d strung up in their apartment and the dancing and conversation and jokes and laughter and the seemingly endless stream of champagne, Sara couldn’t help getting distracted by the  _ other _ things she would prefer to be doing right now.

Such as picking up right where she and Ava had left off the other morning.

Such as letting Ava pull her close enough that she could feel her touch against every inch of her skin, tracing a path across Ava’s jaw with her mouth, light and teasing, and then gasping against Ava’s lips when she felt fingers slip under her shirt, trailing over the faintest pattern of freckles dusting her lower back that were only really prominent in summer but Ava instinctively knew where to find. Such as letting her teeth sink into her lower lip and watching as Ava’s eyes darkened, pulse racing, heart beating double time, breath catching in her lungs and then leaving all in one go when Sara leaned closer, and closer, until they  _ finally _ got to share the kiss they’d missed out on the other morning and even now, even  _ now  _ couldn’t manage to pin down. And then -

“Hey, “ Ava said softly, joining her near the edge of the room. Sara looked over to her with a small, private smile. Every moment since she’d arrived at Ray and Nora’s had been packed with conversation with different friends, and she hadn’t gotten the chance to speak to Ava until now. She’d barely spent any time with her at all. Although, considering how distracting Ava was… perhaps that was a good thing. 

Ava looked beautiful, just like she always did, dressed casually in faded jeans and top that Sara was willing to bet had been carefully picked to distract her, demure enough to suit the tone of the engagement party but showing just enough collarbone to make Sara’s thoughts drift, dipping low enough to faintly tease everything they weren’t spending their time doing. Ava had topped up Sara’s abandoned champagne flute and now passed it over to her, but the smile on her face seemed a little hesitant. Sara took a sip of her champagne, dragging her thoughts back to the present and frowning slightly. She wasn’t concerned, not exactly, but there was something between her and Ava right now that didn’t belong there - something that  _ wasn’t _ leftover sexual tension they couldn’t find the time to act on - and she couldn’t ignore it. “Everything okay?”

She kept her voice hushed, certain that none of the others would be able to hear her from this far away, but Ava’s gaze still scanned over the room to check. Her breath seemed to catch in her throat, and when she spoke her words were even quieter than Sara’s, and much more careful. “I need to ask,” she started, shooting Nate an overly casual smile when he glanced in their direction before returning her attention to Sara. “The other morning - it wasn’t exactly planned.”

Ava paused, not quite sure how to continue.

“That’s not a question Aves,” Sara said, and Ava took a breath.

She nodded briefly. “You asked whether this was it.” Sara desperately hoped no one would choose this moment to interrupt, because there was no way she’d be able to wipe the dumb, sappy grin off her face before someone else noticed it. She only grinned like  _ this _ around Ava, and she was really going to have to work on her subtlety. “I just wanted to check that it wasn’t… too spontaneous, or something. That we’re  _ dating _ dating.”

This wasn’t the time or the place, but it wasn’t as if they’d been able to find any other time either. Sara reached out but suddenly remembered where they were, her fingers only brushing against Ava’s before she dropped her hand back to her side. Her lips twitched, insides warm. “I would love to  _ date _ date you, Ava Sharpe. If that’s okay.”

Ava nodded, a little too quick. Her cheeks flushed. “It’s more than okay.”

“Good.”

“Good.”

Ava’s eyes flickered down to Sara’s lips, and Sara swallowed.  _ Fuck _ , she wanted this. She wanted this badly, so badly it was difficult to breathe, so badly that it had been consuming her entirely for the past few days. And if the way Ava’s teeth sunk into her lower lip was any indication, she’d spent just as much time thinking about what they’d missed out on last Thursday as Sara had. Sara exhaled slowly, knowing she and Ava were already toeing the line of how long they could spend over here ‘getting drinks’ before someone started paying too much attention to their conversation, but still wanting to have the last word. After all, she still needed to get back at Ava for messing with her on Amaya’s balcony at thanksgiving. 

She risked a quick glance around the room and then crept up onto her toes so she could whisper in Ava’s ear, slowly and deliberately, every word carefully placed. “Next time we’re alone babe, there’ll be nothing spontaneous about it.”

Ava’s fingers tightened around the stem of her champagne flute, and Sara walked away.

* * *

** _Messenger_ ** ** _   
_ ** (Sara Lance)

adult disasters™   
_ Active now _

_ SAT 11:06AM _

** _You:_ ** ** _   
_ ** how is it that i’m not even employed   
as a tutor or professor at our lovely and    
highly esteemed star city university

and yet

somehow 

i am still here. at 11am on a saturday.   
supervising. exams. 

  
** _Nate:_ ** ** _   
_ ** You’re not meant to be on your phone   
while supervising!!!!

  
** _Amaya:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Then what are you doing  @Nate ?

  
** _You:_ ** ** _   
_ ** he’s the asshole who doesn’t have a   
morning exam to supervise so didn’t   
have to wake up at 6:30 on a saturday

  
AND ALL I AM DOING IS SITTING    
AT THE BACK OF A ROOM MAKING   
SURE KIDS AREN’T CHEATING

THEY’RE SENIORS THEY’VE GIVEN   
UP AT THIS POINT, I NEED SMTH TO   
STOP ME FROM FALLING ASLEEP

  
** _Nate:_ ** ** _   
_ ** If it’s any consolation

I have to supervise a 7pm exam   
tonight!!! and it’s three hours! 

  
** _You:_ ** ** _   
_ ** WE’RE SUPERVISING THAT EXAM   
TOGETHER YOU DUMBASS

  
** _Nate:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Oh right

  
** _Ava:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Do you get a lunch break  @Sara ?

  
** _You:_ ** ** _   
_ ** yeah, this exam finishes at 12 and the   
afternoon ones start at 2

  
** _Nora:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Amaya is dragging me to take my   
first lil look at wedding dresses just   
for fun and shit

Want us to bring you lunch?

  
** _You:_ ** ** _   
_ ** you don’t have to!!

  
** _Amaya:_ ** ** _   
_ ** It’s okay! We’ll be in the area!

  
** _You:_ ** ** _   
_ ** you guys are the best xx

  
** _Nate:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Can you bring me lunch too! 

  
** _Amaya:_ ** ** _   
_ ** You’re the asshole who didn’t have to   
supervise the morning exam ;-) 

  
** _Nora:_ ** ** _   
_ ** So no ;-) 

  
** _Nate:_ ** ** _   
_ ** :-(

* * *

_ Ava Sharpe _ _   
_ _   
_ ** _iMessage_ ** ** _   
_ ** (Sara Lance)   
**Sunday**

**   
** ** _9:04am_ ** :   
Kill me

  
** _9:58am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** why are you out here hating life   
at 9am on a sunday???

  
** _10:02am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Because I am at WORK

  
** _10:02am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** what, why???

  
** _10:03am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** That project I told you about? 

  
** _10:04am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** It’s due midnight tonight so we’re   
probably all gonna be here until   
then 

  
** _10:05am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** oh god no thank you

  
** _10:06am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** How’s your day looking?

  
** _10:06am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** my only day off until next saturday

  
** _10:07am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** end of year christmas functions and    
shit have verdant fully booked for   
weeks and exam season means SCU   
is crazy too 

  
** _10:08am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** You doing okay? 

  
** _10:11am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** yeah, just really tired

  
** _10:12am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** i just wanna sleep for about a million   
years

  
** _10:14am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** If today’s your day off, why don’t you?

  
** _10:15am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** assignments to mark >:-(

  
** _10:16am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** meeting nate at the museum cafe for   
brunch to do some work

  
** _10:17am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Even on your day off, you can’t stay away   
from work, huh? 

  
** _10:18am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** you know me, always studious ;-)

  
** _10:19am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** I gotta go cry over this project

  
** _10:20am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Talk later? X

  
** _10:21am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** you got it x good luck today!

* * *

  
  


_ Ava Sharpe _ _   
_ _   
_ ** _iMessage_ ** ** _   
_ ** (Sara Lance)   
**Tuesday**

**   
** ** _8:48pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** hiiiiiiiiii :-))))

** _   
_ ** ** _8:49pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Hi ….. 

** _   
_ ** ** _8:49pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Something’s up with you

** _   
_ ** ** _8:49pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** i maaaay be a little tipsy

  
** _8:49pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** possibly more than tipsy maybe drunk

** _   
_ ** ** _8:50pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Bc nate and i were having lil mini mental   
breakdowns over how the museum fucked   
up the scheduling for the exhibition we’re   
meant to be getting after christmas and   
one of our history professors took a funded   
sabbatical for next semester so NOW

** _   
_ ** ** _8:50pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** We are a W H OLE ASS staff member short   
and kids have already signed up for that class!

** _   
_ ** ** _8:51pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** so zari & nora & ray and mick took us out for   
some drinks to let loose

** _   
_ ** ** _8:52pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** And NOW we are at the mall kind of drunkenly   
shopping bc RETAIL THERAPY right

** _   
_ ** ** _8:53pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** and nora wanted to get some Fancy Lingerie   
to surprise ray with bc their anniversary is   
coming up so me and zari were helping her   
pick and theeeeen i remembered ur 21st    
birthday and what one of the things I got    
u was ;-))))

** _   
_ ** ** _8:54pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** So I tried this on ;-))))

** _   
_ ** ** _8:55pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** _ 1 attachment. _

  
** _9:01pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Oh sweet god

** _   
_ ** ** _9:02pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Sara

** _   
_ ** ** _9:02pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Firstly, you + drunk shopping has always   
been a very bad combination 

** _   
_ ** ** _9:02pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Although I really can’t complain with this

  
** _9:03pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** But also

** _   
_ ** ** _9:04pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** You k n o w how busy we both are this week   
and we have no idea when we’re gonna get a   
chance to see each other and you can’t send   
me this when I don’t know when I’m gonna   
get to see you because that is just

** _   
_ ** ** _9:04pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Not fair

** _   
_ ** ** _9:05pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** :-*

  
** _9:06pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** absence makes the heart grow fonder or   
whatever it is

** _   
_ ** ** _9:07pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Yeah babe it also makes the sexual frustration   
grow unbearable, or whatever it is 

* * *

_ Ava Sharpe _ _   
_ _   
_ ** _iMessage_ ** ** _   
_ ** (Sara Lance)   
**Wednesday**

**   
** ** _8:41am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** i truly never fucking thought i would   
be this hungover this close to my 30s   
on a wednesday but

**   
** ** _8:41am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** here i fucking am

**   
** ** _8:44am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Hey you ;’-D

**   
** ** _8:45am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** oh shut up

**   
** ** _8:46am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** You don’t have work today?

**   
** ** _8:49am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** oh i do

**   
** ** _8:49am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** i have a staff meeting in 1 hour

  
** _8:50am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** why did I ever think last night was a   
good idea

**   
** ** _8:50am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Because you needed a break Sara!

**   
** ** _8:51am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** You needed a night to breathe and be   
a little crazy otherwise you were gonna   
crack 

**   
** ** _8:52am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Thanks for the sort of nudes ;-) 

**   
** ** _8:53am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** im sorry the WHAT

**   
** ** _8:57am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** oh fuck

**   
** ** _8:58am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** i 

**   
** ** _8:58am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** i have 0 excuse or explanation

**   
** ** _8:59am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** other than now wanting to drown    
myself in the toilet

**   
** ** _8:59am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** I haven’t sent a photo like that to anyone   
since I was 21 jesus christ sara get a fckn   
grip

  
** _9:00am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** i am VERY sorry

**   
** ** _9:01am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** And what exactly are you apologising   
for given that the next time we’re alone   
other, we’ll literally be seeing each other   
naked? 

**   
** ** _9:02am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** oh fuck me it’s too early for this **   
  
**

* * *

  
  


It was Friday night. 

It was Friday night and it had been an entire  _ week  _ since Sara had woken up next to Ava and been so, insanely, stupidly close to everything she had wanted for so many months and then apparently the universe wanted to say  _ oh you’ve been patient? Well let’s just see how much  _ ** _more _ ** _ patient you can be Sara Lance.  _ Because a week had truly never felt  _ this  _ long before and it was Friday and all Sara wanted was to kiss Ava and maybe (definitely) more. 

Sara glanced at the clock behind her. 10:57pm. 

In three minutes, her shift ended and because they’d been booked up all week with Christmas parties,  _ Verdant  _ was closed all weekend to give the staff a couple days off. Miraculously, the amount of work Sara had for SCU had dropped to a bare minimum this week and she also knew for a fact that Ava’s work had eased up considerably this week after she and her team had finished the sudden new project they’d had dumped on them last weekend which meant that if the universe would just  _ let them have this _ , this weekend could be  _ it.  _

Or more specifically  _ tonight.  _ After 11pm. Sara was pretty sure anyone would think she was a little insane at how obsessively she’d checked Ava’s snapmaps to make sure she was home. But honestly, after the bullshit of this past week, she didn’t even care. 

10:58pm. 

“Oh come  _ on _ ,” Sara groaned, frustratedly throwing her towel onto the bench. 

“You good there?” asked Tyler, arching an eyebrow. 

“Yeah,” said Sara through her teeth. “It’s just been a fucking long week and the last 5 minutes of this shift have felt like 5 hours.” 

“You can go early if you want,” said Tyler. Sara’s head snapped in his direction. 

“Are you serious?” 

“Yeah dude,” Tyler said with a shrug. “You covered for me during the Christmas party last week.”

_ Yeah, you stopped me from getting laid with the girl I’ve been in love with for like six months, _ Sara thought scathingly. 

“I owe you,” said Tyler. 

_ And now you’re letting me get laid tonight _ . “I love you Ty,” she said, though she was quite sure that the profound relief and affection she felt was definitely not aimed at Tyler. “And I am fucking out of here before you can change your mind.” 

Sara couldn’t help but check Ava’s snapmaps one more time as she parked in front of her apartment building. Ava’s little bitmoji that Sara and Nate had customised for her was still there, and none of their friends were there, and Sara truly hoped with every fibre of her being that for whatever reason, Ava didn’t have other people (who, Sara had no idea) over because if she had to wait longer than the next ten minutes to get to kiss Ava again, she was pretty sure she was going to combust. 

Sara let out a slow, controlled exhale. 

That morning a week ago had happened in such a sleepy, rushed daze that Sara hadn’t quite realised it was happening then. I mean, she  _ had  _ \- she was hyper aware of every single second, of every single touch of Ava’s skin on hers, of the softness of her sheets and the smell of Ava’s hair, but … this was different. 

_ Now  _ was different. Now Sara was fully aware and fully awake of what waited for her, of the fact that her getting out of her car and walking up to Ava’s apartment was in every way going to change absolutely everything about Sara’s life as it was right now, and there was a part of Sara - the part who could remember that feeling of aching, suffocating despair from the day she and Ava had decided to end things, the part who had thrown a haphazard selection of belongings into a bag and booked a flight to LA, the part who had pushed her best friends away for five years, the part who had kept her from falling for someone,  _ anyone  _ in that time - that enveloped her with fear, with a buzzing, uncontrollable nervousness and anticipation. It made Sara’s hands shake and her stomach feel a little sick and she leaned against the headrest of her car seat and snapped her eyes shut, curling her fingers into her palms. 

It was worth it, she told herself silently.  _ Ava  _ was worth every risk, every uncertainty. And even then - the risks and uncertainties were so miniscule because they’d  _ talked  _ about this, they’d planned out every possibility, laid out on the table everything that hadn’t worked last time. Hell, they’d waited for almost six months to make sure they were both on exactly the same page because neither of them were willing to fuck this up again. 

Before the courage could disappear again, Sara grabbed her phone and keys, got out of her car and locked it, and pushed open the main doors to Ava’s apartment building. Ava had given her a key to the foyer doors a couple weeks ago so that Sara wouldn’t have to buzz to get inside, so Sara let herself in and tried to shake out the tremble in her hands as she waited for the elevator. Somehow, it was far too slow and far too quick simultaneously and within a minute, Sara found herself standing in front of apartment 2213 clutching her phone so tightly she thought it would break. 

Her eyes flickered down to her lockscreen. It was a photo of her, Ava, Amaya, Zari and Nora from Nora and Ray’s engagement celebration earlier in the week. It was a little blurry and overexposed because the flash had caught on the fairy lights behind them and they all had red eyes but it was the perfect kind of imperfect. 

Sara supposed that the same could be said about right now. No matter what happened - whether tonight was something out of a dream or unbearably awkward, whether they fell right back into their instincts from six years ago or if they had to start again from scratch like they didn’t know each other at all … regardless of all of it, it would be the most perfect kind of imperfect. 

Sara swiped her phone open, found Ava’s message thread (unsurprisingly, the first one.) 

_ Ava Sharpe _ _   
_ _   
_ ** _iMessage_ ** ** _   
_ ** (Sara Lance)   
**Friday**

**   
** ** _11:24pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** hey

  
** _11:25pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Hey you, how’s work?

  
** _11:25pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** finished half an hour ago

  
** _11:25pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Really? Thought you worked til close   
on Fridays x

  
** _11:26pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** i asked for the early shift tonight

  
** _11:26pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** You got drinks with SCU people or    
something?

  
** _11:27pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** nope

** _   
_ ** ** _11:27pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** actually

  
** _11:28pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** i’m here

  
** _11:28pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Here? Where’s here?

  
** _11:29pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** your apartment

  
** _11:30pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** What???

  
** _11:30pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Wait I see your car on the street

  
** _11:31pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Sara are you seriously just sitting   
in your car??? It’s like 15 degrees   
outside 

  
** _11:31pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** i’m not in my car

  
** _11:32pm:_ ** ** _   
_ ** open the door

  
  


The door swung open barely three seconds later. 

Ava was wearing the black yoga pants and a cream tank top, her hair falling messily over her shoulders in a way that looked so graceful that Sara lost her breath for a second. She was holding her phone in one hand, a stunned expression on her face as she stared at Sara and Sara couldn’t help but take in  _ everything _ , just so that she could always remember this. 

Remember how she could see the muscles of Ava’s arms as she held the door open, see the way the lime green nail polish on Ava’s toenails was starting to chip off, the way Ava’s lips were still faintly stained by the red lipstick she’d worn for drinks at  _ Verdant  _ with her colleagues earlier in the evening, the way the light in Ava’s apartment was low and golden and kind of reminded Sara of that night in LA, the way it smelt like Ava’s rose and lavender scented diffuser and the leftover lasagna she’d had for dinner, and suddenly, Sara’s nerves were gone because  _ this.  _ This feeling of  _ home  _ was exactly what she wanted and she wouldn’t trade it for anything. 

“What are you doing here?” asked Ava, but the look in her eyes told Sara that not only did she know exactly what Sara was doing here, she was torn between stepping aside to let Sara in or moving  _ closer  _ to where Sara was already standing. 

Sara let out a soft laugh, one that was barely more than an exhausted, exhilarated, desperate little huff of air. “Can I  _ please  _ kiss you?” she breathed. 

Sara wanted to remember every detail. 

She wanted to remember Ava’s laugh. 

She wanted to remember the feeling of Ava’s hand, curling around her wrist and pulling her inside. 

She wanted to remember the click of the door swinging shut, and then the sparkle in Ava’s eyes and the  _ thud  _ of Ava’s back hitting the door and then how Ava was  _ Ava _ \- skin soft and warm and her arm around Sara’s waist pulling her as close as humanly possibly -  _ god _ , why was she so fucking  _ tall _ \- and Sara slinked onto her tiptoes and her hand found Ava’s jaw and pulled her down and - 

_ A lock of Ava’s hair slipped out from behind her ear before Sara caught it and tucked it away, fingers curling into the shorter hair at the nape of her neck, warmer than they could have been but still sending a shiver of anticipation down Ava’s spine. Sara crept up onto her toes, forgetting how to breathe, the nerves fluttering in her stomach not enough to make her pause because the moment she leaned forward to brush her lips against Ava’s every thought was drowned out, nothing in the world mattering more than Ava, Ava, Ava.  _

The entire world could have melted away and Sara wouldn’t have noticed. It was every single moment all happening at once - kissing Ava after babysitting Thea in sophomore year, every hello and goodbye kiss, every interrupted  _ Pride and Prejudice  _ viewing, every drunken stumbling through their apartment, every quiet  _ I love you _ whispered into each other’s lips, and LA - every damn moment of LA was replaying in Sara’s mind because it was  _ this  _ exactly. It was Ava’s lips gentle and wonderfully familiar and perfect under hers and Ava’s fingers curled tight into her jacket and Ava’s body so invitingly warm between Sara and the door and there wasn’t even an inch of imperfection to any of it, not even slightly. 

_ Ava’s teeth lightly grazed Sara’s lip and Sara shuddered, pushing back a little harder than she had been before. At some point, Sara felt Ava gasp as her back hit the front door, using Sara’s sweater to pull her even closer until they were both pressed up against it. Ava’s lips curled up into a slight smile, and Sara felt it, unable to stop her breath catching in her throat.  _

And then there was the reminder that it had been nine whole days since Sara had been this close to Ava, the flare of  _ want  _ in the pit of Sara’s stomach and the quiet little gasp from the back of Ava’s throat that made Sara’s head spin and her hands found Ava’s waist, lips trailing down Ava’s jaw. 

_ Sara slipped one hand under Ava’s sweater, breath catching yet again when her fingers met warm skin instead of the t-shirt she’d expected - the t-shirt she  _ ** _shouldn’t_ ** _ have expected, because Ava had already told her she didn’t have one on, back when she was joking around at the Queens, reminding Sara that although she might enjoy it, babysitting in just jeans and a bra was generally frowned upon. Sara’s cheeks had flushed, just as they were now, but it was worth it for the noise that Ava let out, as if she was half considering letting Sara drag her inside right now, sneaking past Ray and Zari and moving this to her room, where it wouldn’t matter how far Sara’s hands made it up her top because it would be warm, and they’d be overdressed, and it’d be about time they lost a few of the layers between them. _

_ Ava’s free hand came up to cup Sara’s cheek, angling her head so she could deepen the kiss - not that it needed deepening. Sara’s chest tightened, she was falling too hard, too fast - _

“Sara,” Ava murmured. “Not that I don’t like making out with you against a door - because it really seems to be a pattern for us - but there is a bed. Like 20 seconds away.” 

Sara pulled away a little, teeth sinking into her bottom lip. Ava’s eyes were hazy and brilliantly, piercingly blue, even with her pupils blown and her lips swollen and her hair messy around her face and Sara couldn’t stop herself from tugging her into another kiss. 

“God you’re beautiful,” she said, the words coming out muffled. 

Ava laughed, and it sounded a little embarrassed. Sara broke away to meet her eyes, properly this time. 

“This - this is okay right?” she asked, that momentary uncertainty from the car rearing its head. “I know I didn’t tell you I was gonna come round -” 

“Yes,” interrupted Ava. “Yes, of course this is okay, there’s isn’t a single other answer there could possibly be right now.” 

“We’re gonna do this?” Sara clarified one last time, that charged energy sparking through the room again, every nerve in her body buzzing with life and awakeness and terrified excitement. “We’re … we’re good and we’re ready and I’m not gonna get called into work and we have the weekend off and this is gonna  _ work  _ this time and we’re on the same page and - you’re not on your period or something right, because I swear to god -” 

She was cut off by Ava’s lips, feet stumbling as Ava pushed her across the apartment. When they almost tripped on Ava’s couch and Sara’s phone tumbled out of her hands onto the ground, they both broke apart with breathless laughter, and Ava’s smile was so bright, Sara felt light headed. 

“What?” she said, feeling the equally goofy beam on her own face. 

Ava just grinned, fingers carefully easing Sara’s jacket off, unblinking as it fell to the ground on top of Sara’s phone. 

“Is this so that I won’t hear it ring if work calls me in the morning?” asked Sara. 

Ava shrugged, a mischievous twinkle in her eye. “Maybe.” 

Sara reached out to pluck Ava’s phone from the pocket of her yoga pants, tossing it behind them onto the couch. “Fair’s fair,” she said, smirking as she tugged Ava towards the bedroom. Ava didn’t complain, didn’t even take a second look to make sure it hadn’t skidded off the couch onto the floor or gotten wedged in the couch cushions. The trance from last Thursday morning had returned - the haze of this  _ thing  _ between them that was so, undeniably real now. It felt impossible. Like cheating fate. Like a dream. Like everything else in the world had slowed down and the sun and moon and stars had shifted and this was  _ something  _ that existed outside of everything else. 

As though it had never been supposed to work six years ago, because then it never would have been  _ this.  _ Of course it was supposed to fall apart, of course it was all supposed to happen this way because this was the only thing that made sense, this moment with phones and shoes and jackets strewn across Ava’s living room and the sound of music and laughter and drunken shouting and  _ life  _ just beyond the walls of this apartment but nowhere near enough to break into this right now. 

Sara paused in the doorway of Ava’s bedroom, the same way she had a week ago, and Ava turned, immediately moving back towards Sara as though gravity was pulling them together. 

“I’m sure Sara,” Ava said resolutely. 

“I know,” said Sara. She tried to swallow the lump in her throat. Everything was so quietly, intimately still. Ava’s perfectly made bed. Her work blazer hanging over the plush armchair in the corner of her room, in front of it, her leather bag sitting neatly on the floor. The pot plants on Ava’s windowsill. Her keys hanging from a hook by the door. 

“What?” asked Ava quietly. 

Sara looked up, met her eyes. “I missed you,” she whispered. 

Ava’s eyes flickered with understanding. Her thumb traced over Sara’s bottom lip and she smiled - relieved and sad and reminiscent and nervous and ecstatic and content all in one, breathtaking smile. “I missed you too,” she said softly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always with the end of our slow burns: the story is far from done, but we're just gonna drop in here to say, just one more time - thank you. 
> 
> this story's definitely been tougher to get out and find a flow and balance with than the hsau was, but it's also been an expression of very different experiences, emotions and pieces of ourselves. both of our mental health has been incredibly up and down during the time we've been writing this and it's taken a different kind of grit and effort to get these words and this fic out every week and tell this story that has so much of our own hearts in it. we fucking adore getting to write all of these characters in all these different worlds. we've both grown up reading and writing fic and having people support Our fics and writing the way you guys have with so many of our stories has been the most amazing thing, thank you so so so much. 
> 
> but we're not saying goodbye just yet! we've decided on 30 chapters for this fic, so there's still some story left to tell :-) next chapter will hopefully / almost definitely be in two weeks, so hang on tight, we'll see ya real soon x


	25. feels like we're in a dream (you know what I mean)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Ava was pretty sure she’d pinched herself upwards of five times since she woke up an hour ago, but the idea that this wasn’t a dream was a little too insane to properly believe. 
> 
> So many little things were still normal, and they felt like they shouldn’t be. 
> 
> She had still woken up at 7:05am, like clockwork, the gap in her curtains showing that the world outside was still that early December wintery dark. Her radiator had been humming, just like it did every morning. The warmth of her fluffy slippers, a welcome relief to the chill of the room. The soft, familiar comfort of the sweater Ava kept on her armchair to tug on in the morning. The sharp peppermint of her toothpaste. The little trickles of condensation on her bathroom window. 
> 
> It was all so ordinary, so normal. 
> 
> Other than the fact that Sara was fast asleep in her bed, which to Ava made it feel like absolutely nothing - nothing - should be remotely normal and that the entire world, the entire universe, should have shifted because this still didn’t feel real."
> 
> OR
> 
> sara & ava start to figure out their new normal now that they're back together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello again! 
> 
> thank you so so so much for your lovely comments about the last chapter!! congratulations on surviving the slow burn :-) it's always a bit nervewracking to see if the Get Together is actually worth all the endless angst and waiting and will they won't they and almost's, so we absolutely hope it was!! 
> 
> we're struggling a bit with finding motivation and energy to write these last few chapters so it would be so so so great to keep hearing from you guys with these chapters for these last few weeks, we hope you love all the final lil bits and pieces we have for you XX 
> 
> not too much to say with these notes! hope you are all staying safe as best you can and looking after yourselves. the world is an incredibly awful place right now, so we hope you can find some lil moments of magic and joy between it all. sending all of our love to all of you! 
> 
> (p.s. - chapter title is from coastline by hollow coves)
> 
> (p.p.s. - oh and surprise, welcome to some ava POV this chapter!! we wanted to wait until everything Shifted properly, aka, they got together to bring her POV into the story, so we hope you enjoy seeing some of her side of this fic from here on out!!!)

** _December 2020: _ **

Ava was pretty sure she’d pinched herself upwards of five times since she woke up an hour ago, but the idea that this  _ wasn’t  _ a dream was a little too insane to properly believe. 

So many little things were still normal, and they felt like they shouldn’t be. 

She had still woken up at 7:05am, like clockwork, the gap in her curtains showing that the world outside was still that early December wintery dark. Her radiator had been humming, just like it did every morning. The warmth of her fluffy slippers, a welcome relief to the chill of the room. The soft, familiar comfort of the sweater Ava kept on her armchair to tug on in the morning. The sharp peppermint of her toothpaste. The little trickles of condensation on her bathroom window. 

It was all so ordinary, so normal. 

Other than the fact that Sara was fast asleep in her bed, which to Ava made it feel like absolutely nothing -  _ nothing  _ \- should be remotely normal and that the entire world, the entire universe, should have shifted because this still didn’t feel  _ real.  _ It was a welcome relief for Ava to wander into the living room and see Sara’s shoes, jacket and phone strewn on the floor, and her phone wedged between two couch cushions, because it was proof that this had happened, that Ava’s all too vivid memories of last night weren’t an insane fever dream. 

Ava bit her lip to stop the uncontrollable, stupid grin spreading across her face, ducking to pick up Sara’s jacket, carefully fold it and put it over the arm of the couch and then neatly place Sara’s shoes by the door. She took hers and Sara’s phones and brought them with her to the kitchen. She’d always had a million phone chargers around her apartment, mainly because all of her friends were constantly wandering around with their phones on worryingly low battery percentages. She plugged both her and Sara’s phones in, then moved to make a pot of coffee. 

Part of her had wanted to stay in bed, cocooned in the warmth of her heavy comforter, curling into Sara until they both were properly awake. But Ava had been awake from the moment she opened her eyes, too aware of everything - of  _ this _ , of the beautiful, adorable, out to this world woman with her head burrowed into the pillow beside her. 

“Sara,” Ava had murmured, already wanting to see the sleepy, hazy, brilliant blue of Sara’s eyes, and that infuriatingly attractive smirk, wanted Sara to reach out and tug Ava into a slow  _ good morning  _ kiss. 

But Sara hadn’t stirred, and Ava couldn’t help but smile fondly. 

They’d both had an insane couple of weeks with work and life and nothing slowing down or letting up for even a  _ second _ , and Ava knew Sara had been working herself to the bone both at SCU and  _ Verdant _ , so she couldn’t bring herself to wake Sara. Not this early. Instead, she’d slipped out of bed and followed all the little breadcrumbs of weird normalcy - fluffy slippers, morning sweater, humming radiator, pulling the curtains open just a little to gaze out at the still dark, wintery world outside, and all the regularities of her sharp peppermint toothpaste and the beads of bathroom window condensation. 

Ava still kind of wanted to go back to bed. Her apartment was cold and this was  _ her  _ first day off in almost two weeks too and she was still tired and the idea of falling back into the comfort of a bed that had Sara in it was tempting. But she couldn’t help remembering the last time she’d had this: the last  _ first morning  _ she’d had with Sara. 

** _December, 2011:_ **

_ Ava never slept in. She always woke up at the same time every day, with or without an alarm. But when she opened her eyes, she felt that warm, groggy, over-rested slowness in her body as she shifted on the sun soaked sheets below her.  _

_ For a second, she had no idea where she was.  _

_ Then, she remembered Sara. She remembered Sara’s lips, her skin, the softness of her hair and the glint in her eyes and the way the freckles  _ ** _all over _ ** _ her body had made Ava think of the constellations she’d spent her childhood learning the names of as she’d tried to kiss every single one.  _

_ Right now though, Sara wasn’t in bed beside her, and worry and insecurity flared in Ava’s chest for the briefest of seconds before she heard laughter -  _ ** _Sara’s _ ** _ laughter - from beyond the door, and the knot in Ava’s chest disappeared immediately. She slid out of the bed, eyes flickering around the room for a second of curiosity. She hadn’t been in Sara’s bedroom before. She wanted to wander around, look at what books were stacked by her bedside table. Wanted to see what photos were tacked to the wall and what ones were framed and placed purposefully on the mantlepiece of what had once been a working fireplace but now clearly wasn’t functional because this was a bedroom, not a living room. Ava wanted to see how Sara had planned out her semester on the wall planner pinned above her desk, wanted to see what the notebook opened onto a page filled with highlighted scribbles and sticky notes was for.  _

_ But Ava also didn’t want to pry without Sara’s permission, so she found her underwear, bra, jeans, and the cardigan she had let fall onto the floor last night and put them on before tentatively tiptoeing out of the room.  _

_ The on-campus house that Sara shared with Amaya, Zari and Kendra wasn’t very big, and Sara’s bedroom opened into the living room, so Ava barely had to take a couple of steps before somebody caught sight of her. It was Zari, who had a smug grin on her face as she said “Oh hey, Sharpe.”  _

_ “Hi Zari,” said Ava, rolling her eyes a little and sliding her hands into her back pockets.  _

_ “What brings you here so early on a Sunday morning?” asked Zari with a shit-eating smirk, but a pair of oven mitts came hurtling at her face moments later and she let out a muffled, “Hey, what the fuck!”  _

_ “Stop being a dick,” said Sara, and Ava’s eyes darted to where Sara was standing in the kitchen. “Aves, come here! How do you like your pancakes?”  _

_ Something warm and fond and far more than simple affection burst in Ava’s chest. “You’re making me breakfast?” she said as she reached Sara.  _

_ “I’m making  _ ** _everyone _ ** _ breakfast,” said Sara, correcting her. “It’s Sunday! God’s day ‘n all that.”  _

_ “God likes pancakes?” grinned Ava, raising an eyebrow. “I don’t remember that from my childhood Sunday school lessons.”  _

_ “Oh fuck off,” said Sara, shoving her lightly. “You’re not allergic to anything right?”  _

_ “Nope,” said Ava, leaning against the kitchen bench and smiling widely at the flour and sugar  _ ** _everywhere _ ** _ and the endless bowls of toppings and condiments. “So do I get this every time I stay at your place, or is this just a first time thing?”  _

_ “If Sara does this every time you stay over, you’re welcome to move in,” Kendra piped up, wandering into the kitchen to pour herself a cup of juice.  _

_ Sara flushed profusely and Ava’s stomach fluttered at how  _ ** _cute _ ** _ she looked.  _

_ “How do you want your pancakes?” Sara repeated, ignoring Kendra’s comment and speaking directly to Ava. Her gaze was so shy and earnest that it took every bone in Ava’s body to avoid kissing her in front of all her roommates.  _

_ “Surprise me,” she said instead. _

Ava smiled to herself before leaning over to tap her phone screen, pulling up the pancake recipe she had saved in her notes. Her phone pinged with her work summary of the past week that came through every Saturday at 8am without fail. Ava swiped it away. This weekend was hers and Sara’s, and there was absolutely nothing in this world that was gonna take that away from them. 

  
  


This moment felt like a memory she couldn’t quite place. That, or a dream she never wanted to wake up from. 

Sara made her way across the kitchen, slipping her arms around Ava’s waist from behind as she stood in front of the stove, spatula in one hand and frying pan in the other, carefully supervising the blueberry pancakes she had started cooking. She probably wasn’t expecting Sara to be up - they both knew she wasn’t an early riser - but either the empty space beside her in the bed or the delicious smell drifting through the apartment had roused her from the half-awake, half-asleep state she’d been in. 

Ava hummed contentedly, and Sara could imagine her small, private smile, causing warmth to spread out from her heart and reach right down to the tips of her toes.

She’d vaguely thought about changing, but she could now see that Ava hadn’t really bothered - she’d simply pulled on some jeans after showering and tied her long pyjama top into a knot around her waist so it was less in her way whilst she cooked them both breakfast. She’d tied her hair in a loose bun too, but must have done so absentmindedly because there were a few loose tendrils escaping, and this was Ava - she’d probably been able to pin her hair up in a perfect bun from the day she first started kindergarten. That tiny, insignificant detail made this moment feel so, so much more real though, and Sara adored it.

She adored every imperfection. 

She adored that they were both still tired and that the first few pancakes looked a little overcooked and the maple syrup jar seemed to have temporarily glued itself shut and they were going to have to find a way to pry it open later. She adored that the hem of t-shirt she’d stolen from Ava’s pyjama drawer the night before was coming undone because the thread was a little loose, and that the tiled kitchen floor was a little cold against her feet because she should have stopped to find some socks but hadn’t, and that the early morning sunlight coming through the window was bright enough to be blinding, rather than the soft, pale yellow or orange rays she would have preferred.

She adored it all, because it had taken her five - nearly six - years to learn that things didn’t have to be perfect.

A picture perfect romance wasn’t what she wanted anymore. She didn’t need a happily ever after, because that wasn’t realistic - there  _ would _ be bumps along the way, and things might not always look or go exactly how she and Ava planned, and they would almost certainly encounter unexpected difficulties that they’d have to adapt to and work through. But they could. That was the point of this all, right? To find someone that would be there through thick and thin, through all the highs and lows, for all of the brightest moments and all of the moments where she needed a hand to hold and a shoulder to lean on and someone to just be there.

To find someone who made her laugh until she cried without even realising it, someone who made her smile every time she thought of them, someone whose eyes would light up the moment they realised that they too got to live in this moment for the rest of their life.

Ava poured some more pancake batter into the pan and carefully balanced the spatula she was using across the top so that she had her hands free, and then turned, hands coming to rest against Sara’s shoulders. Sara smiled, knowing that the love in Ava’s eyes was reflected back in her own, too brightly to ever be missed. She crept up onto her toes to press a light kiss to Ava’s lips, lingering for a moment before pulling away just because she could, and she wanted to, and she knew from Ava’s closed eyes and little affectionate smile that she wanted this too. 

“Good morning,” she said quietly, and Ava’s eyes fluttered open. She leaned down to kiss Sara again, this time brief but no less affectionate.

Ava’s eyes sparkled, and her lips twitched as if she  _ knew _ she was about to say something sappy and ridiculous, but had no intention of stopping herself. “It is now.”

Sara’s cheeks flushed. She shook her head slightly, letting out a short huffed laugh. “You’re such a cliché,” she joked, poking Ava lightly in the side and making her grin, teeth catching deliberately on her lower lip. Ava knew it, too. Her gaze flickered over Sara’s face, the soft calm that had filled the kitchen when Sara first walked in returning.

“What were you thinking?” Ava asked quietly, tucking Sara’s slightly messy, not yet brushed hair back behind her ear. 

Sara shrugged one shoulder. “Nothing important.”

Ava’s expression seemed to say  _ everything you have to say is important _ , and Sara fiddled with the knot Ava’s pyjama top was tied in. There was something about the way Ava looked at her that still hit her like nothing else had ever been able to - no one else had ever made her feel so intensely as Ava could with the slightest quirk of one eyebrow or the twitch of her lips. She’d noticed it in the past few months too, but today it was different. Today it was special. And today, it was making her want to spill her heart out to Ava at seven thirty in the morning whilst standing in the kitchen, barely dressed, before they’d even sat down for breakfast. 

Sara’s eyes flickered to the small splodge of pancake batter that had missed the pan last time Ava had poured it and the discarded whisk tossed haphazardly into the sink, yet to be washed. “I like that we’re doing this the way we are,” she said quietly. “Like … like  _ us _ . Like two messy, busy people who’ve followed a bumpy path to get here and aren’t really sure where they’re going, but are perfectly happy to just exist in the moment.”

Ava tilted her head ever so slightly, inviting her to continue. “I like that we’re different people now, and that we’ve both grown up. I like how certain I am that this will work out - I just know it. And that certainty is something I didn’t realise that I missed.” 

Ava took a step away from the oven, arms now looped around Sara’s waist. 

“I like that you’re tired, and I’m tired, and you’re probably going to burn the pancakes.”

Ava laughed unexpectedly, poking Sara lightly in the side. “I am  _ not _ going to burn the pancakes,” she said, rolling her eyes at Sara’s smirk, the teasing so casual and lighthearted that she couldn’t help but smile. She pressed a kiss to Sara’s forehead, just below her hairline. “I can cook pancakes.”

Sara shook her head, another laugh escaping. “Maybe I’ll be too distracting,” she teased, and Ava’s cheeks flushed. 

God, Sara loved her. She loved her endlessly - she couldn’t pinpoint when she had fallen back in love with Ava, but perhaps that meant she’d just never fallen out of love with her. She’d never stopped missing her, even after she’d decided to stay in LA for as long as she possibly could. She’d never found anyone else - not anyone who could ever compare. She’d moved on, but there had still been the perfect Ava-shaped space left in her life, and it wasn’t a space she had ever expected to be filled. But here they both were.

Ava still looked thoughtful, and Sara realised she’d never gotten as far as saying what she had intended to. Her fingers slipped under Ava’s t-shirt, tracing lightly across her lower back in a way that felt comfortable and familiar, instinctive. “We tried so hard to be perfect last time, and we didn’t need to,” she said quietly. “I’m starting to think that that relationship falling apart had to happen so that we could end up here. We needed to change so we could become who we are now, because no matter how good this was last time, it wasn’t right.”

Ava nodded, slowly, eyes fixed on Sara’s. Even with her sleep shirt rumpled, her hair unbrushed, and the faintest hints of yesterday’s mascara smudged at the corners of her eyes, she took Sara’s breath away.

Sara kissed her. 

She kissed her, and she kissed her, and she let her hands slip up Ava’s neck to pull her closer and gasped when Ava’s fingers slid higher under her t-shirt, burning everywhere they touched her skin. She kissed Ava until they stumbled back into the kitchen cabinets, kissed her to make up for the weeks, months, and years when they hadn’t had this. Kissed her because Ava was the best thing that had ever happened to her, kissed her because they hadn’t understood what was wrong six and a bit years ago and had been heartbroken by losing each other, kissed her because they both deserved this now and fuck if they weren’t going to savour every last millisecond of it. She kissed Ava because Ava was incredible. Because she was beautiful and smart and funny and kind and Sara was lucky enough to have even met her in the first place, let alone have the chance to date her - not once, but  _ twice _ .

She kissed her because she was  _ Ava _ , her  _ girlfriend _ .

Because they deserved it. Because this moment was perfect in the most beautiful, imperfect way.

And Ava - 

Ava kissed her too, just as thrilled and relieved and overwhelmed and delighted that they could finally do this, because the timing was right and they both had the morning off and both, more importantly, had each other. Ava kissed her until they both forgot how to breathe and Sara pulled back, sucking in a shaky breath, forehead resting against Ava’s. Ava’s eyes were sparkling, the realisation that they’d been given the chance to have moments like these still sinking in. 

There was nothing more beautiful to Sara than Ava standing in front of her, hair tousled and shirt rumpled, cheeks flushed, tongue creeping out to wet her lips and immediately dragging Sara’s gaze back. Sara tipped her head back, eyes closed. 

“Those imperfections seem to be working out pretty well for us,” Ava murmured, lips trailing across Sara’s jaw. Sara took one shaky breath, followed by another, and then opened her eyes. 

Her gaze landed on the stove. Or more accurately, on the frying pan on top of the stove, and on the heat settings neither of them had turned off, and the remains of what might have been a pancake a while ago but no longer resembled anything edible.

“Aves - ” 

She barely got a word out before the smoke alarm went off, painfully loud, echoing right through the apartment. Ava swore under her breath, muttering darkly about imperfections and breakfast and  _ distractions _ , and Sara bit her lip to hide her smile. This was dumb. And they both should’ve known better, because that way Ava wouldn’t have had to dash across the kitchen and turn off the heat or fan the smoke detector with a tea towel or roll her eyes at Sara from across the room with a fond  _ I know you’re going to tease me about this but I’ll wipe that smirk right off your face _ smile.

But, in its own way, this was perfect too.

  
  


It wasn’t until later when Sara had her keys and jacket in hand and was almost ready to leave to head back to her apartment that Ava brought up the elephant in the room. In all honesty, Sara had been meaning to ask. She was fairly sure they were both on the same page here, but it was better to check now than for there to be a misunderstanding later - they’d done that too many times before, they weren’t going to do it again if either of them could help it. 

“Are we going to tell the others about this?” Ava asked, and Sara paused.

Saying she wasn’t sure wasn’t true, but she’d be happy with whatever Ava chose to do. “Do you want to?”

“Do  _ you _ want to?” Ava repeated back at her, lips twitching slightly when Sara rolled her eyes. 

Sara draped her jacket over the back of the couch and took a few steps closer to Ava. Ava had pulled on a loose sweater after breakfast but her hair was still in the messy bun she’d tossed it into earlier, and something about the outfit made Sara smile. Perhaps because Ava looked so casual. So comfortable. And that made  _ this _ feel comfortable too, this existing-in-each-other’s-space-early-in-the-morning thing that was so new to them both but used to be so familiar, so established. 

Ava was watching her quietly, waiting for a response, smile gentle as her thoughts drifted. There was a calm that settled over them when they were alone that Sara never wanted to lose - the knowledge that what they had was  _ theirs _ , and no one could take it away from them. It was nice, having this secret that none of their friends knew. She didn’t want it to stay this way forever because she loved the rest of their group more than anything and wanted them to share in every part of her life - especially after all the years she had missed - but for now, this was a piece of herself that she wasn’t quite ready to give up. It was safer, if she and Ava had control over who knew. 

“No,” she said, instantly able to see a quiet relief in Ava’s eyes. “Not yet.”

She wasn’t sure whether to explain herself, but Ava seemed to understand anyway. Her smile was small and confident, as though she too hadn’t doubted for a moment that their thoughts were in the same place. This was another thing Sara hadn’t realised she’d missed when they were apart - the ease with which they managed to communicate, the understanding that had existed between them before they’d lost track of it in the last few months when they were together. Ava didn’t want to tell the others yet either.

Ava fiddled with her fingers, tangling them together in front of her stomach. “I think the others are going to have opinions on this,” she said cautiously, meeting Sara’s eyes. “And I can’t blame them for that. But I don’t think I’m ready to hear what they have to say.”

“They’ll have hundreds of questions too,” Sara said with a wry smile. “You know what they’re like.”

Ava nodded. “I’m not ready to answer questions. I will be at some point, but I think we need time for this to become normal again for us first, however long that takes.”

She was right, and there was something beautiful to Sara about not having to explain her thoughts, especially when there were over six years worth of complexities lingering behind the surface. Although - Ava bit her lip, a hint of unwelcome uncertainty appearing out of nowhere. “I need you to know it’s not about  _ us _ though -”

“I do -”

“- and it’s not -”

“I know, Aves,” Sara interrupted, moving closer until she was standing in front of Ava. “It’s not about  _ not _ wanting people to know about us, you don’t have to clarify that. I  _ want _ people to know you’re my girlfriend, because I feel like the luckiest person in the world. I want to make sappy instagram posts and tell you you look cute at game nights and kiss you when we say goodbye. But clearly neither of us are ready to have the conversations we need to have before we can get to that point, and that’s okay too - we’ll wait until we both are.” She reached out, stilling Ava’s fidgeting fingers, taking both of Ava’s hands in her own. “I’d say we’re pretty good at waiting to do things at the right time,” she added, making Ava smile.

Sara kissed her, softly, slowly, pouring everything she didn’t quite know how to say into the kiss, and when she finally pulled away Ava huffed a quiet laugh, barely a breath, as though she too had missed being read this effortlessly. She murmured an agreement followed by something that sounded suspiciously like a comment about Sara never leaving at this rate, but Sara simply curled her fingers into Ava’s sweater and kissed her again. One of Ava’s hands came up to cup her cheek whilst the other slipped around her waist, and Sara smiled against her lips, letting herself sink into the moment, losing track of everything going on around them. 

Ava was right - they did need time for this to become their new normal. But at this rate, it wouldn’t take long at all.

* * *

  
  


** _February 2014:_ **

_ “Stay,” Ava said, reaching out to catch Sara’s wrist as she picked up her necklace from their bedside table, pulling her closer before she had the chance to move away.  _

_ Sara sighed, glancing at the creased sheets and wrinkled duvet in the space beside Ava, the bed looking much more warm and inviting than the lectures she had to attend. “I have class,” she said, despite both her and Ava already knowing her schedule without her needing to repeat it.  _

_ As expected, Ava frowned. “I know.”  _

_ “I shouldn’t miss it.”  _

_ Ava sighed, sounding disappointed. “I know,” she repeated, rolling onto her back and letting go of Sara’s wrist. Sara watched her pull her hand away, her wrist suddenly feeling cold where Ava’s touch had been. She paused, frowning slightly. She was the one who usually attempted to persuade Ava to stay in bed with her on crisp winter mornings, not the other way around, although she hadn’t tried it in a while because they’d both been busy and Ava didn’t need her making her late in the mornings on top of everything else she was trying to balance.  _

_ “That’s normally my line,” she said quietly, but Ava didn’t respond. Sara hesitated. She fastened her necklace and reached over to grab her coat, slipping it over her shoulders. It wasn’t the first time the silence between her and Ava had felt uneasy, but Sara disliked it immensely. She was supposed to be meeting up with Thea after her lectures - she’d offered to take her out for coffee once Thea finished school for the day - but she could skip it if Ava needed her here. “Ava?” _

_ Ava smiled, shaking her head. “I know you have to go. I was just - I don’t know. Forget about it.” _

_ Sara could have stayed. _

_ Instead, she went to class, and tried to pretend the day had started off like usual. Thea, always a little too perceptive, frowned at her when she saw her, asking if everything was okay and looking at her suspiciously when Sara insisted it was. (It wasn’t.)  _

_ She didn’t bring it up later though, when they were both back home and more awake than they had been in the morning. She shoved the discomfort away, and she and Ava faded back into the ever so slightly uneasy, not quite right existence they’d had before.  _

_ She didn’t know when it had become normal.  _

_ _

* * *

  
  
  


They usually spent most of their time at Ava’s apartment, but since Zari was out of town for a few days visiting her family Sara had suggested spending the weekend here. Even though Ava’s place was nicer - due to the area of the city it was in, the quality of the apartment, and the freedom she had to decorate - it was nice to have a change. Ava grinned at the new photos tacked to the corkboard on the wall, ones that had been added since the last time she was here.

It wasn’t as though this place was unfamiliar to her. She’d spent countless evenings here over the past year and a half and knew exactly where to find everything she needed in the kitchen, where Sara and Zari were likely to have left the TV remote, and what had caused the chip in the paint on the kitchen door frame that they’d have to fix up before moving out if they wanted their deposit back (Nate, following Sara’s instructions to chuck her an empty coffee mug to the letter but missing her outstretched hands). Ava had never been here alone though - usually the rest of the gang were here too, and even on the few occasions they hadn’t been, at least Zari and Sara were around. 

Ava removed the teabag from her mug, dropping it into the food waste bin under the sink. 

She and Sara had wanted to spend the full weekend together to make up for how little they’d seen each other during the week, but when Nate had texted Sara an hour and a half ago asking for a quick hand with an exhibit up at the museum Sara hadn’t had an excuse to offer him.  _ Ava and I were planning a romantic afternoon _ wasn’t likely to fly, not without a few hundred questions that neither of them wanted to answer at this point in time being asked. Sara had promised to be as quick as possible, but Ava was perfectly happy to chill here until Sara got back. Besides, it gave her more time to wander around the apartment looking at the collection of photos, art, and other keepsakes Sara had here that she’d never gotten the chance to look at for any extended period of time.

She’d just settled down on the couch with a book she’d been meaning to read when a knock at the door surprised her. 

Ava frowned, slipping a bookmark between the pages. Sara had taken her keys, leaving the spare on the kitchen counter in case Ava went out, so there was no reason for her to knock - and besides, it was probably too early for her and Nate to have finished. If it was one of the others, Ava would have to make up an excuse about being locked out of her apartment and hope it sounded believable. 

She undid the latch, swinging the door open.

“Ava?”

This possibility hadn’t even crossed her mind.

Thea Queen frowned at her in confusion, and Ava resisted the uncharacteristic urge to close the door in the face of the scrutiny she could feel radiating off of her. Fuck. She and Sara had been trying to keep this quiet - she shouldn’t have opened the door - she should have ignored the knock or pretended she didn’t hear it or checked through the tiny peephole first, because Thea wasn’t someone she knew well enough to make believable excuses to. She’d always been too perceptive for her own good, even as a kid.

( _ Especially _ as a kid.)

Thea tensed when Ava didn’t immediately respond, and Ava tried to ignore the hostility behind her perfectly polite smile. She’d seen that look back when Thea had bumped into her in  _ Verdant _ a few months ago, but she also recognised it from before, on the couple of occasions she and Thea had seen each other around the city whilst Sara was in LA. Then, Thea had made sure to glare at her, gaze piercing and uncomfortable. Not that Ava could blame her. Thea had still been a kid when Sara left and from a simplified, childish point of view, Ava was the reason her pseudo-older sister had fled.

_ “You guys are gonna be together forever, right?” _

_ Ava laughed, having come to expect these sorts of questions from an eleven year old still enamoured by the concept of falling in love. “I hope so,” she answered honestly, and Thea nodded.  _

_ “Good. She’d be sad if you left.” _

Thea was older now, but no less protective.

“Where’s Sara?” Thea asked, the cautious defensive streak Ava recognised creeping into her tone. 

Ava hesitated. “At work,” she said, and Thea’s jaw tensed. 

Something felt off about this situation - something that had nothing to do with Thea finding her alone at Sara’s apartment in the middle of a calm Saturday afternoon - and it hit Ava suddenly that the person standing in front of her wasn’t someone she recognised or knew how to talk to. Whenever she’d babysat or hung out with Thea whilst accompanying Sara when they were dating the first time around, Thea had always had a mischievous spark that was missing right now. She’d always been quick with a smile and even quicker with a witty or teasing comment, and sure, it had been years since Ava had talked to her properly and in that time Thea had grown up and must have changed, but this still didn’t feel quite right.

Thea ran one hand through her hair, an edge of panic creeping into her tone. “Okay. Thanks, I’ll - I’ll go.”

She turned, starting to walk away, but Ava slipped out into the hallway. “Thea - wait.”

Thea paused, and Ava racked her brain looking for some way to continue the conversation, if it could even be called that. An uneasy feeling had settled in the pit of her stomach and she didn’t know how to shake it. She wasn’t sure she  _ wanted _ to. She was usually right at times like this, and despite not knowing what she planned on doing or saying next letting Thea walk away seemed like a bad idea.

She repeated Thea’s name and Thea showed her hands roughly into her pockets, remaining facing down the hallway. “What?” she asked tersely, and Ava bit her lip. 

“Is everything okay?”

“I was looking for Sara.”

“I know.”

She wasn’t Sara. She wasn’t someone Thea cared about or trusted - she wasn’t even someone Thea  _ liked _ anymore.

_ “I think you’re cooler,” Thea told her firmly, and Sara faked a gasp from across the room. Ava laughed, pausing with a nail polish bottle in hand, just Thea’s ring and pinky fingers left to do. _

_ “No one’s ever told me I’m the coolest one before,” Ava said, smirking at Sara when Thea looked down to inspect her nails. Sara flipped her off behind Thea’s back, muttering something that sounded like ‘with good reason’, and Ava bit back a laugh.  _

_ “I thought you wanted me to do your hair kiddo,” Sara teased, coming to sit behind Thea on the couch. “That means you’ve gotta be nice to me.” _

_ “Don’t worry, you’re still my favourite,” Thea grinned. “But Ava’s who I want to be when I grow up.”  _

Thea finally turned around, somehow looking more vulnerable than she had done before. “Do you know when she’ll be back?” she asked, and Ava hesitated again. She didn’t, but telling Thea that was likely to make her leave and the quiet, uncertain expression on her face coupled with the thinly veiled but increasing panic in her eyes told Ava that the best thing she could do right now was keep Thea here until Sara made it home from the museum.

“She won’t be too long,” she said, hoping she was right. 

Thea didn’t comment. 

The more Ava tried to read her, the more confused she became, although perhaps that was Thea’s intention. She was fairly sure Thea was determined not to let her in without Sara first confirming that things between them were truly alright now, and she couldn’t really blame her for that loyalty. But at the same time, right now Thea looked so much like the distraught, panicked kid she had taken out for ice cream when her seventh grade boyfriend broke up with her that it hurt. She wanted to help, but she strongly doubted Thea would let her.

“Come inside,” Ava said quietly, and this time it was Thea’s turn to hesitate, tapping her fingers against her leg. Her eyes met Ava’s for a split second but she looked away before Ava had the chance to read her.

The longer this thick, heavy silence surrounded them for the less personal Thea’s unease started to feel, and the more Ava’s worry grew.

“C’mon, Thea,” she said softly, taking a step back towards the apartment. It may have been years since they had last properly spoken, but the girl standing in front of her seemed to be in desperate need of a friendly face. She would do whatever she could to help.

Thea took a shaky breath and then nodded, following Ava down the hall. 

* * *

The last thing Sara expected to see when she walked back into her apartment was Thea - especially not sitting on the floor with her back against the couch, head in her hands, breathing a little shakily as Ava attempted to talk her down from a panic attack. Neither of them had heard her come in, far too distracted by the situation at hand, and as Sara toed off her shoes and hung her coat up by the door she couldn’t help pausing for a moment to take in the scene in front of her.

Ava was sitting opposite Thea, legs crossed, one hand gently resting on Thea’s knee to offer reassurance as she reminded her periodically to breathe. She was good at this, Sara thought with a slight smile, but it was quickly replaced with concern. It was unlike Thea to drop by without warning. She couldn’t have been here long - her coat was still tossed haphazardly over a chair, crumpled in a heap that Ava never usually would have allowed, and the partially drunk cup of tea on the coffee table hadn’t been cleared away. Sara picked up Thea’s phone from the floor and placed it on the table, noting that she had unread notifications from twenty minutes ago. 

“You’re okay,” Ava said softly, and Sara’s brow furrowed. 

She made her way over to where they were sitting, lightly squeezing Ava’s shoulder to catch her attention and mouthing “what is it?”

Ava shrugged uncertainly. 

Sara bit her lip. It made sense that Ava was almost as in the dark as she was - she wouldn’t have expected Thea to come to Ava for help, so they were unlikely to have talked. Thea wasn’t Ava’s biggest fan right now and she had already expressed concerns about her and Ava growing closer again. The last thing Thea wanted was them repairing their relationship and then it falling apart again, causing Sara to flee across the country for the second time, not to be seen for years. She was just worried, Sara told herself. She didn’t want someone she cared about to get hurt. 

Sara pushed that thought to the back of her mind, reminding herself that telling Thea she and Ava were back together wasn’t the most pressing problem right now, and then joined Thea and Ava on the floor. “Thea?” she said gently, lightly squeezing just above Thea’s knee. Thea finally looked up, wiping the remnants of tears from her cheeks with the cuff of her sweater.

“Hey,” she said quietly, a little hoarse. 

Sara tucked Thea’s hair behind her ear, moving it out of her face. “Hey, kid.” Thea gave her a watery, not-quite-there smile. “I’d ask if you’re okay, but I feel like the answer would be no.”

Thea’s laugh was weak, but there, and Sara noticed Ava smiling too out of the corner of her eye. The light atmosphere only lasted for a moment though, and when Thea took another shaky breath the tension that had filled the apartment when Sara had walked in seemed to return. Ava shifted, rubbing her palms against her jeans. She glanced between Sara and Thea. “I’ll give you guys some space,” she said, but Thea shook her head. She looked between them.

“No,” she said quietly, offering Ava a small smile. “You can stay. And… thanks.”

Sara hid a smile of her own, Whatever had happened between Thea and Ava whilst she was out, it had at least partially cleared the air between them. It was relieving. It wasn’t just their core friendship group whose reaction Sara was concerned about when she and Ava eventually admitted that they were dating, there was Thea too, and Laurel, and everyone else who was a part of her life but from a greater distance, the people who wouldn’t have seen this relationship organically reform. The people who would assume this was them doing the easy thing and giving in, falling back into something comfortable and familiar rather than striving for a relationship that could be better. Her biggest fear, really, was that people wouldn’t see that these feelings were fresh and that this relationship was different this time. That she and Ava had both changed for the better.

Thea though… perhaps Thea would be able to see that now.

“I think I’m pregnant,” Thea mumbled, and Sara’s attention snapped back to the present. Thea looked up, meeting her eyes, panic returning. “I don’t - Sara, I’m not -” 

She cut off, swearing under her breath, and Sara gave her a moment to catch her breath. “I can’t be  _ pregnant _ ,” she repeated, voice slightly higher, a little more strangled. “I barely know Roy and we only just started dating, I don’t know whether we’ll still be dating in a few months. I mean, he’s nice ‘n all but it’s not serious right now and I don’t know if it’s going that way and I don’t know how you’re supposed to just  _ decide _ that you want to be with someone for the rest of your life, you know? What if you fuck that up?”

Sara wished she could ignore the feeling of Ava’s eyes on her but the hair on the back of her neck prickled, Thea’s haphazard stream of thoughts hitting both of them a little too close to home. Her eyes drifted over to meet Ava’s gaze for the briefest second.

She didn’t have answers for Thea, not ones that would satisfy her. She didn’t know  _ how _ she and Ava had ended up together for the second time, she didn’t know how they’d both come to the conclusion that this was it - those feelings had crept up on her, slowly, so subtly that she hadn’t noticed their presence until they had settled deep within her, bringing a certainty that this was something she was willing to take a risk for. 

If they fucked this up… 

Ava’s fingers curled subtly around her wrist and she gave Sara a nod, a quiet reassurance. Sara’s gaze lingered. They could talk about this later, once they’d helped sort out the problem at hand, once were alone again rather than having an uncertain, wary audience.

“Oh,” Thea said quietly, looking between them. 

Shit.

Sara bit the inside of her cheek, stomach tangling itself in knots. She should have known Thea would see through them - it wasn’t surprising. Ava had been alone in her apartment waiting for her to come home, her shoes by the door and her book on the couch, her presence a long way from subtle. Thea’s expression was strange, as if she was trying to reconcile the pieces of information she had, temporarily distracted from the problem she had come here for. A glimmer of the cocky, perceptive ten year old Sara remembered repeatedly enquiring about their relationship status appeared, and Sara could sense the next question coming before Thea asked it.

“Are you … are you guys dating _ ? _ ” 

There it was. Sara’s lips twitched, despite her uncertainty. She attempted to maintain a straight face. “I’m getting the weirdest feeling that we’ve had this conversation before,” she joked, and Thea rolled her eyes.

“You’re blushing less this time.” 

Sara smiled wryly at her, and Thea quirked an eyebrow. “Well?”

Sara looked over to Ava. This was Ava’s choice. If she didn’t want Thea to know right now, she could tell her to mind her own business and they could leave it at that. Not that she would, when asked so directly. 

“Yes,” said Ava, and Sara felt the initial tension in her shoulders ease, only to be replaced by fresh concern about Thea’s silence. “We haven’t told anyone yet,” Ava added, and Thea nodded slowly. “So please don’t.”

Thea frowned. “You know I wouldn’t,” she said softly, and Sara squeezed her hand. 

“We know. We’re just - we want to do it right this time, and we haven’t yet worked out how.”

Thea remained quiet a moment longer, and Ava shifted uncertainly beside her. Sara watched Thea think, trying to quell the voice in her head predicting the way the rest of this conversation would play out. 

“Okay,” Thea said, meeting Sara’s eyes. 

“Okay?”

“Yeah, okay.” Her lips twitched. “I’m not done asking about it but … for now I’ll trust that you both know what you’re doing.”

Honestly, it wasn’t the reaction Sara would have predicted, but she let out the breath she didn’t realise she was holding and nudged Thea’s knee with her own. “Now that’s out the way,” she started, not deliberately trying to distract Thea from the questions she probably had but needing to address the other situation they’d temporarily put on hold, “Have you taken a pregnancy test? Or is this just wild speculative terror right now?”

Thea attempted to glare at her but with her red rimmed eyes and splotchy face, it didn’t come out very withering. “It’s not  _ wild  _ speculation,” she argued weakly. “I’m like, two weeks late. And I’ve been puking. And I’ve been all hormonal and moody and -” 

“All of that could be for a lot of different reasons,” said Ava calmly. “I’ve had all of those things happen to me and it is literally impossible for me to have ever gotten pregnant. Don’t work yourself into a state until you know you have something to freak out about.” 

“You forget that we’re not all as logical as you,” grumbled Thea, rubbing her eyes with shaking hands. “I ... I bought a test on the way here,” she admitted, starting to look uneasy again. “But when I thought about - you know, actually doing it, I … what if it’s that worst case scenario? Like, Ava, I don’t have the whole  _ I’m not sleeping with a guy  _ thing to reassure me. There’s a chance. And you hear about it happening all the time and ... what if it’s the luck of the draw and I’m the luck? I just get so freaked out thinking about it that I can’t take the test.”

Sara found her hand, squeezing it tightly. “You don’t know that you have to deal with any of that yet, kid. Don’t go there.”

“My mom will kill me,” Thea murmured, rubbing her temple. “And my grandparents will send me to a convent if they find out I got rid of it, but I don’t want to finish school with a kid! I’m far too young and I don’t know what I’m doing and I can’t even hand in assignments on time, let alone look after a child.” She glanced between them, words spilling out faster than her filter could keep up with. “Can I give the kid to you?” she asked, the sharp spike of panic in her voice an awkward indication that she wasn’t even slightly joking. “I mean, you’re back together -”

“Thea -”

“- and you’re five years out of college and you’re responsible adults, you could raise a kid. You’d be great parents. Do you want kids? I remember you both telling me about wanting kids together.”

_ What I want is to not be having this conversation right now _ , Sara thought, forcing herself to focus on Thea working herself into an even more panicked state instead of letting her thoughts drift back to the kids she and Ava had talked about over and over again when they were together the first time and  _ forever _ felt like a certainty. A girl, with Ava’s eyes and Sara’s grin and Quentin’s calm demeanor, and a boy with muddy knees and a quiet, thoughtful smile who adored his older sister to the ends of the Earth. 

She swallowed, words failing her, not wanting to imply to Thea that she shouldn’t have said anything but not knowing what else she could say. She and Ava hadn’t gotten this far yet, and she didn’t know whether the plans they talked about in the past - plans she still wanted in some way, if she was honest with herself - still existed, or whether they were long gone, lost to time and circumstance.

This was a box she’d sealed up years ago, and she was trying her hardest not to open it.

Ava placed a hand on Thea’s knee, offering the reassurance Sara couldn’t quite manage right now. “Not yet, Thea. How about you take the test and wait ‘till you know whether you need to panic or not before we have this conversation, yeah?”

She nodded reassuringly, and Thea swallowed, nodding back. She took a few breaths, running her hand through her hair again. “Yeah,” she agreed, tipping her head back against the couch and closing her eyes. She rested her hand on top of Ava’s for a moment, and then pushed herself up. 

“We’ll work it out,” Ava promised her and Sara couldn’t help glancing over to them both. Ava was only talking to Thea, but it felt fitting. They would work this out too. 

Sara gestured to the bathroom, finally regaining control of her voice. “C’mon, kiddo. Your turn to give us some big news.”

  
  


When the test came back negative, they were all relieved. Thea held it up sheepishly so they could both see it, heaving a sigh of relief, and Sara sagged back against the couch. “Thank fuck,” Ava mumbled under her breath. “I was gonna make you tell her we couldn’t adopt her kid.”

Sara swatted her on the arm, but didn’t comment. They were going to have to talk about this at some point. Thankfully though, not now, because Thea seemed content to hang around for a while, comfortably chilling with both of them for the first time since she was much younger. Sara had put a movie on in the background but none of them were paying any attention to it because Thea was enjoying being able to tease them about their relationship in the way she’d been a little too young to last time, well and truly distracting them all.

Whatever hesitance she had had about them being back together thankfully seemed to have dissipated, or she’d at least hidden it deep down for the time being. 

“You’re good together,” she told Sara later as she was saying goodbye, pulling her into a hug. “It feels different this time.”

Sara had hugged her tighter, nodding. She wasn’t usually one for wearing her heart on her sleeve, but she could hear the sincerity in her own voice as she admitted “I know.”

It was different in many ways, and up until now she’d always considered that to be a good thing. It  _ was _ a good thing. She adored the little differences, because they reminded her repeatedly that things between her and Ava had shifted in a good way. Mostly. Long after Thea had left though, Sara still couldn’t get the questions she had asked out of her head.

_ Do you want kids? _

“Did Jordan want kids?” she asked Ava, hours later when they were both in bed. She hadn’t wanted to bring this up, but she didn’t want to avoid talking about it either. 

Ava was lying on her back, but rolled over to face her. She thought for a long moment before meeting Sara’s eyes, and Sara suddenly wanted to take the question back. Whatever Jordan and Ava had had planned, it wasn’t any of her business, it was Ava’s story. She reached out, curling her hand around Ava’s. “You don’t have to answer that. I know how hard it must be to put that future you two imagined together aside, because - well, it took me so long to let go of the future we planned, and even then the only way I could do it was by convincing myself that if I couldn’t have those things with you, I didn’t want them.”

“It’s not like that,” Ava said quietly, honestly. 

She smiled fondly, and Sara squeezed her hand. It was nice that it wasn’t the characteristic, melancholy smile she had come to expect to see when they usually talked about Jordan.

“Our plans weren’t the same as the plans I had with you,” Ava clarified, “They weren’t as detailed. Partly, I think, because I was wary of making plans and having to let them go again.”

“Sorry,” Sara said softly, and Ava shook her head.

“Don’t apologise. But… not really. To the question about kids. She was on the fence about them, she always said she’d have kids if I wanted them, but we hadn’t talked about it extensively or anything. Not like you and I did.”

“It all came back to me when Thea was talking,” Sara admitted. “And I don’t know if this is too soon, or if we shouldn’t -”

“I want a future with you,” Ava said firmly. The butterflies in Sara’s stomach settled, warmth spreading through her chest at the certainty behind Ava’s words. “And at some point, I want to make new plans with you. And… there are some old ones I’m quite attached to too.”

Sara rolled over, propping herself up on her elbows so she could look down at Ava, lying on her back below her. Sara grinned softly, thinking about trips to the park and fantasies about teaching little blonde haired kids about fossils and letting them loose to explore the history museum. “Oh yeah? Which ones?”

Ava just smiled.


	26. just know that these things (will never change for us at all)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "It was then that Ava reached out from where she was leaning against the kitchen counter, tugging Sara towards her. Sara glanced over with a small, knowing smile. “What?” 
> 
> Ava’s eyes glittered, giving Sara butterflies despite her having once assumed that that was a feeling she would grow out of. “Happy birthday,” Ava said softly, and Sara flushed a little, cheeks heating up.""
> 
> or 
> 
> a chapter that follows sara, ava & the gang through december - most notably, finally getting to celebrate sara's birthday together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello lovely people!! 
> 
> sorry it has been quite a while since the last update; as I am sure you're all aware, life is very strange right now and things are very up & down constantly and truth be told, with legends being on hiatus, we've drifted to other fandoms at least for now and have struggled a lot with writing this fic. OF COURSE we still love legends, avalance, this fic, and you guys !!! but with the world being its absolute trash of a dumpster fire, we've kinda needed other things to Hang On To, which i'm sure you guys understand (if any of you watch agents of shield, we've literally been talking non-stop about that finale since it came out and we've got a whole host of post s7 one shots we're writing lmao so u can always go check those out.) 
> 
> SO, for anyone who didn't see our lil admin update on twitter, here's the abridged spiel: originally, we were going to write 30 chapters for this, but after weeks of looking at ch 28 and literally two scenes ending up written, we realised that if we actually looked at the story, ch 26 and ch 27 wrapped up all the loose ends rly well and the most important stuff we wanted to skip to by ch 30 could be put into an epilogue. because ch 26 and 27 were basically already done, we're gonna put them out over the next week and then, at some point, an epilogue will find its way here. when that will be we don't know, but we'll wrap up the story in these next couple chapters and the epilogue will be a nice lil satisfying Finale ya know? 
> 
> sorry that updates with this fic have been sporadic and all over the place - we wanted to keep this steady and consistent but as with everything this year, it just hasn't gone according to plan. we do hope you are loving this story though and enjoy these last few chapters as they come!!! we do absolutely adore them, especially this one and next week's, they have some of our Favourite Moments and please still yell at us on here or on twitter because we miss interacting with u guys and we're so grateful for ur support with this story!!! 
> 
> so without further ado, enjoy this penultimate chapter (sort of bc yes there will be an epilogue but for the time being, this is the second to last Proper Chapter), we love you all, stay safe out there wherever you are in the world X 
> 
> (p.s. chapter title i'm sure u all recognise but chasing cars by snow patrol)

** _December 2020: _ **

Sara slipped back into her apartment to change and pick up the pile of marked essays she had to return to students later in the day, smiling to herself. It was 8am, and usually she would only just have dragged herself out of bed, but she’d ended up spending the previous night at Ava’s despite knowing perfectly well how early she’d have to get up to get back to her apartment before work. It hadn’t been planned, but… well, now they were officially  _ together _ she and Ava were determined to make the most of every moment they could. Which meant more sleepy movie nights, more moments where one of them dozed off on the couch, more being woken up at 11pm by gentle kisses to her temple and soft fingers curling around her wrist, and more being led deliberately towards Ava’s bedroom and borrowing pyjama shirts to sleep in and waking up with Ava’s arm draped around her waist, their legs tangled together, soft morning sunlight streaming through the window.

Sara bit her lip, closing and locking the door behind her. She wasn’t sure she’d ever stop feeling like she’d won the lottery, like the stars had perfectly aligned to give her and Ava a once in a lifetime attempt at a second chance.

Zari cleared her throat, looking over to her from the kitchen doorway, and Sara froze. If only she could wipe that dumb smile off her face, she’d at least be a little less obvious.

Zari raised an eyebrow, coffee in hand and hair unbrushed, still in her pajamas, fighting back a smile of her own. “Don’t hide your dorky grin on my account,” she said, voice far softer than Sara had anticipated. Zari took a sip of her coffee, making her way across the room to sit at the table with her already half-eaten bowl of cereal, tilting her head towards the seat opposite her. 

Sara sat down, placing her keys on the table. This felt… odd. Surprisingly different to how she had envisioned this scene happening when it eventually played out. 

Because she  _ had _ expected it. She’d known it was coming soon, she’d known that the moment Zari worked out she was seeing someone she’d have questions to ask and comments to make and possibly, if she’d worked out it was Ava, concerns to voice. Sara had expected teasing. She’d expected smirks and the gentle ribbing Zari would always give her in college when she caught her creeping back into their apartment in the morning. What she  _ hadn’t _ expected was for Zari to tilt her head slightly, watching her with a slow, careful smile, before quietly saying “it’s nice seeing you this happy again.”

Sara didn’t quite know how to react to it.

She met Zari’s eyes for a brief moment and found an unexpected lump forming in her throat at the sheer honesty she found, tangled with affection and joy and the tiniest slither of pride. Sara looked down to the table, feeling her phone buzz in her pocket and knowing without checking that it was Ava, telling her to have a good day and probably asking whether she was free for lunch, because she’d had to bail earlier in the week for a work meeting and had insisted on making it up sometime.

Sara nodded slowly. She  _ was _ happy. Happier than she’d been in a long time, because Ava brought out a side of her that she thought she’d lost long ago. She’d forgotten what it felt like to have this warmth in her chest and those cliche butterflies in her stomach and the simple comfort of having someone always, someone who cared just as much about her as she did about them. And even though she and Ava had wanted this, had waited for this, and had spent hours and hours anticipating what it would be like when they were together, nothing could have prepared them well enough. 

_ Happy _ .

“I didn’t realise it was that noticeable,” Sara said, leaning back in her chair. “I thought - well, I thought I was being subtle.”

Zari snorted. “Sara, your face lights up every time you get a text from this mystery date of yours. You spend half of your evenings somewhere else, and when you creep back in you're smiling like you’re head over heels in love and have just had the best evening of your entire life. You’re a lot of things, but  _ subtle _ isn’t one of them.” She paused, expression softening. “Or maybe I just know you well enough that you can’t hide it.”

Sara’s lips twitched. “Maybe you do.”

After all, Zari was the one who had been there the whole way through - through meeting Ava, dating Ava, breaking up with Ava, running away to LA, and eventually coming back home. She’d seen Sara at her highest, and at her lowest. Of course she would be the one who noticed.

And she deserved the truth, but Sara wasn’t sure she or Ava were ready to give it to her - because Zari knowing was a slippery slope that led to Amaya knowing, and then Ray and Nora and Nate and the rest of the gang knowing, and that still felt overwhelming. Because everyone would have  _ opinions _ , and she and Ava needed to work things out by themselves first. 

“Z,” Sara started, an apology coming. 

Zari shook her head. “Don’t.” She curled her hands around her coffee mug, pausing for a moment, trying to make sure her words came out the way she wanted them to. Sara was struck momentarily by just how much she and Zari had changed. This was a completely different conversation to the one they had had after she and Ava had gotten together the first time. It was softer. More careful, and more thought through. 

When Zari smiled this time, she seemed proud. “You know I want to hear all about them, when you’re ready to tell me. I want every detail about how you met and how you got together and who asked who out. I want you to introduce us, and I want to go to lunch with this date of yours and tease them about this relationship too and see how happy you are when you’re together, because if you’re like this when you’re apart I can only imagine what you’re like when you get to sit beside each other on the couch and watch movies or go to the beach or wander around the city together just as the sun sets, when the light is that beautiful orange hue that you used to wax poetic about when we first started college here.”

Sara laughed, and Zari grinned at her. “But for now, if you’re not ready to tell me, that’s fine. Take your time.”

She meant it. That was the best thing - Sara knew, without a doubt, that there wasn’t one fragment of Zari that wanted to know anything Sara wasn’t ready to tell her. She didn’t know what she’d done to end up with a friend like Zari, but Sara would never stop being grateful. 

“She’s incredible,” Sara ended up saying, wanting to tell Zari  _ something. _ “She’s beautiful and kind and intelligent and she means the world to me, Z. We’re taking this slow, but I think that’s a good thing. We both need it, and it’s gonna be good for us. We both really want this to work out.” 

“Can I get a first name?” Zari asked, and Sara shook her head.

“Not yet.”

Zari nodded. “That’s okay. I’ll just keep calling her your mystery date then.”

Sara smiled shyly, cheeks flushing. “Mystery  _ girlfriend _ ,” she corrected, and Zari’s grin widened.

“Girlfriend?”

“Girlfriend.” 

“Sara!” 

Zari’s expression was so comical and delighted that Sara couldn’t help the unexpected laugh that escaped. “I will tell you,” she promised. “ _ We’ll _ tell you. And…” she bit her lip, suddenly a little nervous, because no matter how hard she tried she couldn’t manage to predict how her friends would react when they found out she and Ava were back together. She hated to admit it, but that scared her. She desperately wanted their approval, she wanted them to see how carefully she and Ava had thought this through, she wanted them to grin and pull her and Ava into hugs and tease them like this was normal, like they had faith it would work out. “And - I hope you’ll like this.”

Because she and Ava would be asking them to support the same relationship that had torn their friendship group apart in the first place, so really, all she could do was hope.

Zari reached across the table, sensing Sara’s nerves and curling her fingers lightly around Sara’s wrist. “If she cares about you, then we’ll all love her.” 

Sara exhaled slowly, and nodded. “That’s what I’m trying to tell myself.”

Ava  _ did  _ care about her. A lot. She could tell from the way Ava looked at her, from the way Ava touched her, from the way Ava smiled at her from across the room when they were attempting to be subtle because their friends were there. From the way Ava texted to check up on her or to tell her the random thoughts she’d had in the middle of team meetings, and the way Ava sometimes dropped into her work on days when she was busy or stressed with some fresh pastries she’d picked up on her way here because she knew Sara didn’t have time for a real lunch break but wanted her to take a moment to breathe before she ended up exhausted. She knew Ava cared about her from the way Ava had waited until it was the right time to have this relationship so it could be everything they both wanted and so that it would last, so that they could have the second chance they were dreaming of.

She knew Ava cared about her because she could feel it in every breath, hear it in every word, see it in every absentminded gesture.

Zari reached for her coffee, going back to eating her breakfast. “You’re smiling again,” she said with another shit eating grin, and Sara rolled her eyes as a faint blush crept up her cheeks. 

Yeah, she was smiling. Ava made her happier than she’d ever been before.

* * *

** _Messenger_ ** ** _   
_ ** (Sara Lance)

adult disasters™   
_ Active now _

_ WED 11:19AM _

** _Ava:_ ** ** _   
_ ** So like

If there comes a time when we   
start noticing that we’re turning   
into our boomer parents

I expect us to hold interventions   
for each other

  
** _You:_ ** ** _   
_ ** do …. I wanna know … why you   
sent this????

AVA WHAT DID YOU DO

  
** _Wally:_ ** ** _   
_ ** DID YOU HAVE A KAREN MOMENT

  
** _Nate:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Oh I bet she did

  
** _Ava:_ ** ** _   
_ ** I DID NOT

I was just watching one of the women   
in my office throw a tantrum bc her   
PA forgot the salmon in her salad

And I wanted to throw my whole    
damn monitor at her

She’s like

29 you guys

I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHY SHE   
HAS HER OWN PA

  
** _Amaya:_ ** ** _   
_ ** It was Vivian wasn’t it

She’s the one who sent her espresso   
martini back that one time we all   
got drinks

  
** _Nate:_ ** ** _   
_ ** OH OF COURSE IT WOULD BE HER

** _   
_ ** ** _Nora:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Can’t wait for you to get promoted and   
get a PA and turn into a Karen Ava ;-)

  
** _You:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Hey ur the one who’s husband-to-be is   
abt to own a tech company Nora

  
** _Nora:_ ** ** _   
_ ** You really think I could turn into That?

  
** _Mick:_ ** ** _   
_ ** You should do it to other Karens 

Give em a taste of their own medicine    
or whatever

  
** _Ray:_ ** ** _   
_ ** There IS this guy on the board whose wife   
makes me want to to give up the CEO    
promotion just to avoid ever having to   
socialise with her

I think her name actually IS Karen too

  
** _Ava:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Did this conversation just shift into us   
trying to turn Nora to the literal enemy?

  
** _You:_ ** ** _   
_ ** keep ur enemies closer etc etc

  
** _Nora:_ ** ** _   
_ ** >:-) >:-) 

* * *

_ Ava Sharpe _ _   
_ _   
_ ** _iMessage_ ** ** _   
_ ** (Sara Lance)   
**Wednesday**

**   
** ** _11:38am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Not kidding though, you cannot let   
me turn into one of those awful middle   
aged white women who looks over the   
entire world from their revolting high   
horse okay I’ve seen it happen to way    
too many people I’ve worked with

  
** _11:39am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** babe you’re a lesbian

  
** _11:39am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** you already completely don’t fit into   
the ‘karen’ criteria

  
** _11:40am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** you’re rly picturing me being there to   
stop u from becoming gross and conservative   
in ur middle age huh? 

  
** _11:41am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Well yeah

  
** _11:42am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** You’re helping me pick a new mattress,   
remember? That’s like, more of a damn   
commitment than a proposal 

  
** _11:42am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** You’re stuck with me now Lance

  
** _11:43am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** god, dunno how i’m gonna cope

  
** _11:44am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** At least you’ll have a good mattress to    
sleep on even if the love your life turns    
into a Karen one day

  
** _11:45am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** nah sorry babe, the minute u flip   
that switch, i’m taking full custody   
of the mattress and ur coffee machine   
and divorcing u xo

  
** _11:46am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Are we at the level of this relationship   
that you would help me bury Vivian’s   
body if she said something racist /   
homophobic and I snapped?

  
** _11:47am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Because I can sense from her that that   
day is coming and I am not prepared

  
** _11:48am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** how about I just come take you out   
to lunch so that our future plans don’t    
include you being released from prison    
or me filing for custody of our mattress    
and coffee machine in 20 years, huh?

  
** _11:50am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Yes please x   
  


* * *

“You’ve got that far-away look on your face again,” Sara said quietly, passing Ava a cup of tea and sitting down on the other end of the couch, tucking her toes under the finely woven blanket draped over Ava’s lap. She’d noticed it a few times earlier in the week too, but hadn’t drawn attention to it, leaving Ava some space with her thoughts. But if there was something on Ava’s mind that she could help with, she’d rather ask and have Ava shake her head, gently telling her that it was just work or that she was stressed and unfocussed, than leave her to mull things over for too long.

Although this didn’t seem like stress. There was nothing in Ava’s expression that concerned Sara, nothing that made her worry about whether Ava was okay. She just looked lost in thought, curious, and as though she was a little overwhelmed by whatever memories were running through her head on loop - a feeling Sara knew all too well by now.

_ “Please look after yourself, okay?”  _

_ “I will,” promised Sara.  _

_ “And -” Jordan sucked in a sharp, shaky breath. “And look after Ava too.”  _

_ Sara’s own breath caught in her throat and she felt an overwhelming ache in her chest. “I will,” she said again, quieter this time. She would always look out for Ava, especially now Jordan was leaving. It had been more difficult  _ ** _not_ ** _ looking out for Ava when that invisible barrier was still up between them, years of distance and misunderstandings holding them apart. _

Ava looked over to her with a smile, shaking her head slightly. “It’s nothing really.” It  _ wasn’t _ nothing, but Sara wouldn’t push if Ava didn’t want her to. 

As if she’d noticed that Sara wasn’t going to continue asking, Ava shifted, turning so she was looking over to Sara, legs curled underneath herself. “I’m thinking about Jordan,” she said quietly, and Sara resisted the urge to say  _ me too. _ “I started wondering the other day what she’d have to say about all this, and those questions keep coming back to me, you know? This is such a strange situation, I can’t help but be curious what she’d think.” She smiled wryly, a little awkward. “Is that weird?” she asked, but Sara shook her head.

“It’s not weird.”

It wasn’t. Ava had had much less contact with Jordan than Sara had in the six months since she left. Sara knew they talked occasionally, and they still saw everything each other posted on social media. Jordan was still in their main group chat too as none of them had wanted to remove her, which meant that she was still a part of all of their lives despite the distance - Ava’s especially. The last thing Sara wanted was for her and Ava to get together and pretend that that relationship had never happened. 

It wouldn’t be fair to Jordan, or to Ava, or to anyone else. 

“What she’d think of what, specifically?” Sara asked, and Ava gave her a patented Ava Sharpe  _ you-know-exactly-what-I’m-talking-about _ look that almost made Sara choke on her tea. Sara shrugged nonchalantly. She wanted Ava to say it. Partly just to be certain that they were having the same conversation, sure, but partly because she loved the way Ava’s lips twitched with fond exasperation as she shook her head slightly, entertained that Sara was still the same person who would make her voice things out loud no matter how subtle she was attempting to be. 

“What she’d think about  _ us _ ,” Ava said, and Sara smiled. 

_ Something in Jordan’s eyes flickered, and there was a long, pregnant pause before her expression softened to a confounding mixture knowing and resigned and a little smug and amused.  _

_ “What?” said Sara uneasily, narrowing her eyes.  _

_ “Don’t just look after Ava as her friend,” said Jordan, her voice the most confident and steady that it had been since Sara had first opened the door. “I know how you feel about her. And … when she’s not still broken about this, when things are okay for her again, when the time is right -  _ ** _be there_ ** _ for her.”  _

“She would be okay with it,” Sara said after a moment's pause, quiet because her thoughts were drifting too now, but certain, definite. Ava looked as though she agreed, but Sara could still sense a hint of uncertainty behind her eyes. She tapped her fingers against her leg. She wasn’t entirely sure whether her conversation with Jordan before Jordan left was supposed to stay between them, although she didn’t suppose Jordan would mind, not now she and Ava were together. “She  _ will _ be. I know she will be, Aves.”

“But how can you be so certain?” Ava asked. Something flickered across her face. “Not that would change anything between us - I’m not asking because of that, I need you to know that.”

“I do.” 

Jordan was oceans away, living her own life, and every time she and Sara had spoken she seemed happy with how things had turned out, in the same initially bittersweet way Ava was. Despite how perfect she and Ava had been when they were together, both of them now getting to follow their dreams on opposite sides of the Atlantic, making a difference in whatever way they could, spending time with new friends and old friends, in old places and new ones, was ideal for them both. And Sara knew without having to think about it that she and Ava would always have Jordan’t unwavering support. She bit her lip, turning a little so she was properly facing Ava, fingers fiddling with the edge of the blanket. 

“What?” asked Ava, frowning. 

“Jordan knew.” 

Ava’s eyes widened for a fraction of a second, disbelief and then confusing cloud her expression. “She - she knew? Knew what?” 

Sara couldn’t help but smile a little wryly. “About how I felt for you,” she said quietly. “She knew, Aves. I don’t know when she realised, but she somehow worked out that I had feelings for you. She told me, when she came to say goodbye. Asked me to look out for you. Told me that it was okay, because she knew what it felt like, she knows you’re impossible not to fall for.”

Ava laughed softly, eyes suspiciously moist. 

_ “...honestly? You’re the one person in the world I would be happy to see Ava move on with because you’re the one person I can think of who deserves her.” _

Inexplicably, Sara found herself blinking back hints of tears too. She moved so she was closer to Ava, sitting cross legged on the couch, one hand lightly squeezing just above Ava’s knee. 

She was so incredibly lucky, not a second went by where she wasn’t reminded of it. And without that conversation with Jordan, she didn’t know where she and Ava would be. “She told me just what I needed to hear, even though it was the last thing I expected her to say. She gave me the permission I needed to let myself fall for you again whenever you were ready.” Sara tucked some hair back behind her ear with a quiet, barely there laugh. Truthfully, she’d never worked out how not to fall in love with the woman sitting in front of her. “You really know how to pick girlfriends,” she teased softly, making Ava smile.

Ava still seemed lost in thought. Pensive, even. But her smile remained and her hand found its way into Sara’s and eventually she turned to look at her, eyes swimming with more emotions than Sara could ever hope to count. 

“Is it weird that that’s a relief to me?” she asked. Sara shook her head. 

“Of course not. Jordan was - Jordan  _ is _ \- important to you, and you don’t want us to hurt her, even accidentally. That’s because you’re  _ you _ , Ava. That’s why I - why I care so much about you. You’re kind, and you love so deeply, and you only ever want the best for people.”

Ava raised an eyebrow, the corner of her lips twitching. “I can name a couple of times I didn’t want the best for you,” she joked, causing Sara to roll her eyes. That was probably true. Breakups rarely brought out the best in people, and she and Ava certainly hadn’t been an exception to that rule. 

Ava’s fingers curled into Sara’s t-shirt and she pulled her closer until there were only a few inches between them. Her eyes were sparkling again, the far away look from earlier having vanished now her questions about Jordan had been answered, replaced by a cockiness that never failed to make Sara’s heart rate pick up and her breath catch in her throat. “I can make up for that now though,” Ava offered, gaze blatantly drifting down to Sara’s lips, teeth toying with her own.

God, she was ridiculous. Sara rolled her eyes again, not bothering to hide her smile. “Just shut up and kiss me.”

Ava did.

* * *

Sara was pretty sure she and Ava had been left in charge of Christmas lunch when Amaya ducked out to buy a few ingredients she’d forgotten because of  _ Ava’s  _ responsibility and cooking ability rather than her own, but regardless, it was nice getting a moment alone with Ava today. 

_ Verdant  _ had had one final Christmas party the previous night for a high scale Star City law firm (high scale enough that they had the money to hire  _ Verdant _ ’s space and staff on a night they would usually be closed), so Sara had been working late and therefore hadn’t been able to stay at Ava’s. She’d slept in this morning as a birthday reward, facetimed her mom and Laurel once she was awake, and then she and Zari had driven to Amaya’s for the Christmas lunch Amaya had insisted on hosting for everyone not going home for Christmas. 

It was just a small group of them - Zari, Nate, Mick, Amaya, Ava and Sara. Amaya had texted telling Sara not to bring anything because she had gone full Monica Geller and made about 10 different dishes. It was the first birthday of Sara’s they were getting to spend together in the better part of a decade, so she’d wanted to go  _ all out.  _ And she had. When Sara and Zari had walked through the door, Amaya’s apartment was filled with balloons and streamers, colourful pastel rainbow bunting that spelled out HAPPY BIRTHDAY, a beautifully iced cake in the middle of the dining table with the message  _ Happy Birthday Sara!,  _ and a stack of presents in the living room by the coffee table that made Sara’s jaw drop. 

“Wh - what  _ is _ all this?” she’d managed to stammer out. She’d been expecting a Christmas lunch, nothing more.

“Oh I wonder,” Zari had replied, elbowing Sara with a roll of her eyes. “Oh wait, the cake tells us.” 

“You didn’t have to do this -” 

Sara had barely gotten half a sentence out before Amaya shook her head firmly. “Shut up. Don’t even start,” she said. “Just get over here so I can give you a birthday hug, I can’t stop stirring the gravy or it’ll burn.” 

Nate was obliging his parents with a brief drop in to say hi to his extended family for a couple hours and had promised he’d be back for lunch, and Zari had ended up ducking out to do the same at her brother’s insistence, meaning that Sara, Ava, and Mick were the only ones around when Amaya discovered she had run out of brown sugar. She’d immediately grabbed Mick, saying “Okay, we’re gonna try to find any supermarket that might be open.” 

“Is that why you’re taking Mick, so that if they’re closed he can break in?” Sara had asked dryly, causing Mick to grin at her and Amaya to flip her off, rolling her eyes.

The door had shut behind them, leaving Sara and Ava alone in the apartment,  _ properly _ alone for the first time all day. At least Ava was with her - Sara was pretty sure that if she’d been left to her own devices the chicken would overcook and the mashed potatoes would burn and anything else that could possibly go wrong would. She attempted to keep a focused eye on them anyway, pottering around the kitchen and grinning to herself at the ridiculous assortment of dishes Amaya was making for only six of them. 

It was then that Ava reached out from where she was leaning against the kitchen counter, tugging Sara towards her. Sara glanced over with a small, knowing smile. “What?” 

Ava’s eyes glittered, giving Sara butterflies despite her having once assumed that that was a feeling she would grow out of. “Happy birthday,” Ava said softly, and Sara flushed a little, cheeks heating up.

“You’ve said that already.” 

Ava chuckled, quiet and low in that way that never failed to drive Sara crazy and suddenly, Ava had tugged her closer, close enough that she could wrap an arm around her lower back and keep her there, holding her close, snaking a hand behind her neck to pull her into the slowest, most torturous kiss. Sparks shot up Sara’s spine and her toes curled in her socks, stomach tingling. 

“Haven’t said it like this,” Ava murmured against Sara’s lips. Sara let out a breathless laugh that was cut short by Ava kissing her again, shorter this time but just as heartstopping, and when she pulled away to smile reverently at Sara, the words  _ I love you  _ were so stunningly blatant in her expression that Sara couldn’t manage to speak. Ava tucked some of Sara’s hair behind one ear, fingers so gentle that it felt like the lightest touch of a feather. “Happy birthday love,” she said softly, slowly, each syllable perfectly placed, still close enough that her breath was warm against Sara’s skin.

Sara swallowed, sliding her hands under Ava’s jacket, curling her fingers into the soft, silky fabric of her shirt. “Thank you,” she said, barely a whisper. The  _ I love you  _ she’d seen in Ava’s eyes was heavy on the tip of her own tongue but she bit her lip to stop it slipping out. She was still adamant that she was going to wait for Ava to say it first, to be ready, to be okay after Jordan, enough that she could say  _ that  _ genuinely without feeling obligated. 

Ava traced her thumb along Sara’s jaw. “You gonna come over tonight?” she asked, a small, almost shy smile playing at her lips. 

“If you want me to,” said Sara. 

“Always,” Ava said immediately, leaning forward to press a kiss to the bridge of Sara’s nose. “I would’ve liked to have you at mine last night too.” 

“I know,” sighed Sara, rubbing her eyes. “That shift was hell, it sucked not being able to go back to yours after.”

Ava hummed an agreement, giving the gravy a stir before turning back to Sara. “We’ll just have to make up for it tonight.” 

She was teasing, but it didn’t stop the warmth in Sara’s chest from spreading, heat creeping up her neck as her thoughts drifted. She smiled, curling her fingers into Ava’s t-shirt and pulling her into another kiss. She couldn’t remember if there had been a point in their relationship the first time when kissing Ava had stopped feeling like  _ this  _ \- like the whole world had stopped around them, like every inch of her body was on fire, like nothing could ever be more important and more wonderful and more earth shatteringly overwhelmingly unbelievably perfect than Ava’s lips on hers. Sara hoped it didn’t stop feeling like that this time. 

She could’ve kissed Ava forever, but she also knew that they were both still not quite ready to figure out what their friends had to say, and there was a very high chance that Amaya, Mick, Nate or Zari could walk back in at any moment and they would have a whole lot of explaining to do. Sara didn’t want to have to deal with that today. “Later,” she breathed as she pulled away, and Ava nodded, fingers curling around Sara’s wrist. 

Later would have to do.

* * *

It was odd that Ava was nervous. She had no  _ need  _ to be nervous, they were just sitting down to give Sara her birthday presents, and this wasn’t even the sentimental, overly thoughtful birthday present she had picked out to give to Sara later when they were alone and didn’t have to pretend not to be hopelessly in love in front of their friends.

This was the simple part, the ‘friends having a tiny birthday-come-christmas party’ part, the tacky gifts and affectionate cards part. The  _ shit I put all of my feelings into an envelope and Sara is about to open it _ part. 

Nate beckoned her over, pulling her down into the gap between himself and Sara and dropping a flimsy bright orange paper christmas hat onto the top of her head. Sara reached up to straighten it with a grin. “It suits you,” she teased, pulling her hand away without letting it linger. If they had been alone she would have let herself trail through Ava’s hair, gently brushing the space below her ear with the pads of her fingers before dropping them back to her lap. More often than not, this would lead to Sara pulling her into a slow, lingering kiss, completely derailing whatever conversation they’d been having beforehand.

Ava smiled, catching Sara’s eye. She wasn’t ready to tell the others yet, but she was getting closer to that point and she could tell that Sara was too.

Sara cleared her throat slightly, looking over to Amaya, Zari, Nate and Mick. “You should all open your Christmas presents too,” she insisted, and Amaya agreed. It would be weird being the centre of attention - and besides, that was how they’d always done it before, all those years ago. 

Ava breathed an internal sigh of relief. At least all eyes wouldn’t be on Sara when she opened the card Ava had written her. 

Sara could feel Ava’s eyes on her. Sure, she looked incredible, and she knew it - it was Christmas after all, and they’d all dressed up a little to mark the occasion. Only, Ava wasn’t glancing subtly in her direction in a  _ you look incredibly attractive  _ kind of way, it was more tentative than that, more nervous, more as though Ava was patiently waiting for her reaction to whatever it was she’d tucked into the small white envelope now in Sara’s hand.

She’d opened her gifts from Mick, Nate, Amaya and Zari already, jaw dropping when Nate had once again presented her with a contract for a position at SCU, this time for an extended period of time with greater responsibility and more interaction with their students, taking her a little closer to what she’d always wanted to do. He’d grinned at the shocked, delighted expression on her face, telling her that Laurens agreed it would be nice to offer her the position on her birthday, and Ava had barely waited two seconds before pulling her into a hug, beaming proudly. 

Somehow though, the little envelope in her hands felt as though it might be just as important.

Ava kicked her lightly. “You can read it later,” she said, not quite quiet enough to not be overheard.

Her voice held the slightest edge of uncertainty, and Sara was about to nod and tuck the card into her bag for later, but didn’t get there before Nate interjected “No she can’t, it’s birthday etiquette to read the card before opening presents.”

Sara huffed a quiet laugh. These were their rules, imposed on the first birthday they had celebrated as a group back in their first year of college. Nate was right, there was no reason to change that tradition now. She  _ liked _ their traditions. She was just a little uncertain about the nervousness she could feel radiating off of Ava as she spun the card around in her hands and then slipped one finger under the flap of the envelope, easing it open.

It was a beautiful card, clearly carefully picked out, but it was the note - written in Ava’s intricate, careful and beautifully neat handwriting - that made Sara pause.

_ Sara -  _

_ I remember in junior year we stayed up until midnight on Christmas Eve so we were awake when the clock ticked over onto your birthday. We ate pancakes and drank champagne on the floor of our living room at 11:30 at night, spied on the Christmas parties that we could see through open curtains in the building across the street, and watched Home Alone (one of the most horrifying movies I’ve ever seen, thanks for that). Then the details get hazy because of the champagne, but I’m pretty sure we had birthday sex at midnight. The one thing I remember with absolute crystal clarity is thinking that there was no way I could ever be more in love with you than I was at that moment, on that night. I guess it only took me seven years to prove myself wrong. _

_ Here’s to many more birthdays with you. I love you. _

_ Ava. _

Sara was aware that all eyes were on her. Her friends were clearly more than a little curious about the message she’d spent suspiciously long reading, and Ava was tentatively watching for a reaction. But even if their friends  _ weren’t _ surrounding them or if she and Ava’s second attempt at a relationship  _ was _ common knowledge, Sara still wouldn’t have known how to speak past the growing lump in her throat. She could only hope that no one noticed the few tears she could feel in her eyes either, although they would all make their own assumptions about the words Ava had carefully penned for her anyway, and it was unlikely they’d guess correctly.

They would assume it was an ‘I missed you.’

A ‘thank you for coming back home’ kind of card.

A ‘Happy birthday, having my best friend back means the world to me’ card.

And it was, in a way, but it was also  _ more _ . It was a thank you for things neither of them could ever hope to express, it was a confession, a vulnerable admission, it was Ava standing with one hand holding on to the pieces of the past that were good and hopeful and healthy whilst the other pointed to the future that they could have together, a better, clearer future than they had ever been able to imagine before.  _ I love you _ , Ava was still telling her when Sara met her eyes, breath caught in her throat, heart on her sleeve but in a careful, restrained way, only visible to someone who would know exactly where to look.

Sara reached out, pulling her into a forceful hug, curling her fingers into Ava’s top and trying to savour the moment because no matter how much she wanted to hold onto Ava right now they both knew that this couldn’t last too long, not if they were still intent on keeping this relationship a secret. Later when they were alone she would have the chance to pour out her heart into Ava’s open hands. 

“I love you,” she mouthed against Ava’s skin, barely even a whisper to avoid being overheard. Not that that mattered, because they’d never needed to be loud. Sara felt Ava’s arms tighten around her for a split second and Ava ducked face into Sara’s shoulder, hiding the smile Sara could feel against her collarbone from view. When Ava pulled away, her expression said  _ I know _ , and Sara found herself suddenly fighting her urge to pull Ava into a kiss there and then, letting her lips speak for her. 

“Thanks Aves,” she said instead, the softness in her voice. Of all people, it was Mick who suddenly looked curious for the briefest flash of a second, but it was gone before Sara could worry. He wouldn’t comment, even if he did suspect something. Sara knew him well enough for that. 

Ava smiled. “Open the gift,” she said, rolling her eyes a little, making Sara laugh. She’d been so distracted by the card that she’d almost forgotten about the neatly wrapped package sitting on the ground in front of her.

Amaya nudged Sara with her shoulder, a fond look on her face. “Are you planning on making us wait all day?”

“Why, do you want me to?”

Nate threw a ball of scrunched up gift wrap at her head, just as Ava said “It’s nothing massively exciting,” forcing Sara to bite her tongue yet again rather than say what she wanted to and give her feelings away. The truth was that she couldn’t care less what the gift sitting in front of her was, because this was one of the best birthdays she could remember. Her friends were here, sitting with her and laughing and joking and reminding her every twenty seconds that every bump in the road on the journey here had been worth it. And she wasn’t sure when she’d become such a romantic, but Ava being here, spending Christmas with her,  _ loving her  _ \- that was the best gift she could ever have asked for.

* * *

“Thoughts on drunk birthday sex round two?” Sara murmured, snaking her arms around Ava’s waist from behind and pressing a kiss to her bare shoulder. Ava flushed. She wasn’t sure her  _ thoughts _ needed voicing. She leant back into Sara's arms instinctively but then paused to glance around the room, checking that the others were occupied elsewhere. They were all (supposedly) helping clear up before getting an uber back to their apartments - Amaya, Zari and Nate were currently in the kitchen, and Mick must have been in the bathroom because she and Sara currently had the room to themselves. Which was good, because her restraint was starting to wear thin.

It was probably the alcohol. Although given the amount of shit she remembered getting from the rest of the gang back in college for her and Sara not being able to keep their hands off of each other, she wasn’t sure this could  _ entirely _ be blamed on the alcohol. Sara giving her that  _ look  _ was just as much to blame, along with how good she’d looked all evening and the way they’d spent all day saying ‘later’ to each other, setting themselves up for this all too well.

Ava turned around, fingers itching to reach out and cup Sara’s cheek and guide her closer, despite knowing far too well that they were playing with fire. Sara’s teeth toyed with her lower lip, and Ava accidentally shifted closer. “They could walk in,” Sara said breathlessly, hovering a few inches from Ava’s lips.

Ava nodded, but didn’t move away. 

Sara took a shaky breath and closed her eyes, and Ava once again found herself distracted, thoughts drifting to this ‘later’ they’d been teasing each other with all day. She could have spent hours standing right here watching Sara, cataloging every microexpression, but she’d have to save that for later too. Ava took a step back, ignoring Sara’s pout. “Meet you at my place?” she murmured, and Sara nodded. 

They got dragged back into tidying after that, Nate and Mick both joining them shortly to help pick up the remaining gift wrap, discarded paper hats, bottles, and unwashed mugs and glasses. Sara didn’t give any more thought to her and Ava’s evening plans until she and Zari were standing in Amaya’s driveway waiting for an uber and she caught Zari giving her a sidelong glance, a little surprised.

“What?” she asked, but Zari shook her head.

“Nothing. Just - you’re staying at home tonight? No birthday sex with your mysterious girlfriend?”

Sara shot a halfhearted glare in her direction, but couldn’t stop heat creeping into her cheeks when Zari smirked. “I’m just going home to change and drop off these presents,” she admitted. Zari’s smirk grew, and Sara elbowed her in the ribs. “Oh, shut up.”

Zari knew her well enough to know that she’d only be back in their apartment for a few minutes before making her way over to Ava’s for a redo of one of their favourite Christmas traditions - she just wasn’t aware that it was  _ Ava _ on Sara’s mind. She didn’t know that Ava was the one Sara was thinking about for the journey back, and she didn’t know that twenty minutes later, it was Ava’s door Sara was standing outside, knuckles tapping against the hard wood beneath them, waiting for the door to swing open. 

“I love you.” 

Maybe it was because it was almost 3am and the alcohol had loosened her tongue, or perhaps it was because Sara was every possible kind of beautiful as she stepped into the apartment, hair a little tousled and eyes sparkling with that unbridled, drunken happiness that Ava hadn’t seen in so long, but Ava couldn’t stop the words she’d waited such a long time to say from spilling out. 

Sara seemed unable to stop her breathtaking beam from spreading across her face. If she was surprised that this was how Ava had chosen to greet her, she didn’t show it. “I love you too,” Sara replied, smile widening as she finally got to say it out loud. Something in Ava’s chest leapt and she curled her fingers into Sara’s silky, rose coloured top. 

“I’m sorry I didn’t say it sooner,” she said, barely more than a whisper, cutting off Sara’s little noise of a protest with the kiss she’d been dying to give her since Sara had opened her card. Sara immediately relaxed into it, hands sliding up Ava’s arms to tangle in her hair. Ava wondered how she’d ever been able to let this go six years ago. When she reluctantly broke away, she rested her forehead against Sara’s. “I’ve wanted to say it for ages,” she said. “I just - I didn’t wanna feel ingenuine doing it so soon after Jordan and … I didn’t know whether it would be unfair to what me and Jordan had to say it to you so quickly, or whether it would be unfair to _you _to say it when I still felt _something _for Jordan.” 

“Babe, you don’t have to -” Sara tried to say but Ava gave her a  _ look _ and she fell silent. She carefully traced her thumb over Sara’s jaw, over the freckles so very faintly visible under her makeup. 

She pulled Sara over to the couch, draping her coat over the back. “There was never any in between,” she admitted quietly with a wry smile. “There’s so much history between us, and as soon as we started going down this path towards being more than friends again, I think I was already falling back in love with you. It was just so familiar. Loving you is one of the easiest things I know how to do, and it really fucking scared me for a while.” 

Sara didn’t respond, and for a moment, a tiny flicker of fear burned in Ava’s chest and she pulled away just enough to gauge Sara’s expression. Sara’s eyes were damp, bottom lip caught between her teeth with a mixture of elation and love and overwhelmed disbelief, and Ava let out a soft “Sara,” just as a tear spilled over onto Sara’s cheek. 

“It’s because I’m fucking drunk,” Sara sniffled, wiping her face hurriedly. 

“I didn’t mean to make you cry,” Ava said apologetically. 

“It’s not like that,” said Sara, shaking her head. “It’s - it’s what you said. About loving me being one of the easiest things you know how to do. That’s how I feel about you, so much so that … I don’t think I even  _ realised  _ I loved you again for a long, long time because it was the most familiar thing in the world. It just felt normal. All of this -  _ us. _ ” She glanced away for a second and Ava saw the way her whole body tensed before she said in a soft, mumbled, slightly drunken rush, “This is what I want forever.” 

Ava couldn’t figure out how to make her mouth say the words  _ yes, so do I, always, this, us, forever.  _ There were moments when she still couldn’t quite believe this was real, that Sara was hers - forever seemed like the most daunting but wonderful thing. And it wasn’t forever in the same way that she’d envisioned it with Jordan. With Jordan, it had been the wedding and the house one day, the kids that Jordan had always said she didn’t really want but would have for Ava, the career driven kickass wives laughing their way through life together, and it had all sounded perfect then. 

But this was so different. She and Sara had wanted forever from the first time they’d done this when they were just kids spending far too many nights driving around Star City instead of doing college work, going to football games and house parties, pride parades, movie marathons. With Sara, it felt more like it was going to be a  _ life  _ rather than a dream. A life of birthdays and funerals, laughter and tears, fights and more fights and even more fights because they were  _ them  _ and they were so fundamentally different in so many ways but they believed in the same things at the heart of it all and it always ended up being about something that they both agreed on but went about in completely opposite ways. With Sara, it was not knowing what they wanted from a life together but being excited for it anyway, it was the inside jokes that went all the way back to when they were 19 and something so ridiculously stupid had made them laugh so hard that Sara got the hiccups for almost an hour. It was the fact that Ava still remembered the names they had drunkenly decided they wanted to name their children one day, and the way that hearing those names had always made Ava think of Sara, even all those years when they were apart. 

“I know we just started dating again,” said Sara, speaking quickly and with a slight hint of distinct panic that Ava knew was only noticeable because of how intoxicated she was, “and that we’re taking this kinda slow and figuring it out as we go and that none of our friends know yet and I didn’t mean to sound like I was _proposing _to you or anything - fuck I shouldn’t have said that, you literally only broke off an engagement six months ago, fucking hell -” 

“Sara, baby stop,” said Ava, unable to stop herself from laughing just a little at the wide eyed deer in the headlights expression on her girlfriend’s face. “Breathe. You’re not saying anything wrong. I want exactly what you want.”

Sara let out a slow exhale, giving Ava a helpless pout. “I’m so drunk Aves.” 

“I know,” grinned Ava, gently smoothing Sara’s hair. “C’mere. Let’s get you some water.” 

“But if you sober me up then we can’t have drunk birthday sex,” said Sara, waggling her eyebrows suggestively. Ava rolled her eyes, tugging Sara across her apartment towards the kitchen and grabbing a clean glass from her dish rack to fill with water. 

“Yes but slightly more sober birthday sex means birthday sex without the hangover in the morning,” she said logically, sliding the glass over to Sara. 

“This is why I’m with you,” Sara announced before taking a long gulp. “You’re my rational side.” 

Ava chuckled. She slid her hands into the back pockets of her jeans, watching Sara down her glass of water and then lean over to flick on the switch of Ava’s kettle, wandering over to the pantry with such comfort and ease in Ava’s kitchen that Ava’s chest felt tight. 

“Hey,” she said softly. 

Sara turned, leaning against one of the kitchen cupboards as she tried to choose which of Ava’s eight different types of tea she wanted. “Hey.” 

Ava bit her lip. “I have something for you.” 

Sara arched an eyebrow, her gaze flickering over Ava’s body. “Is it something I need to unwrap?” she said with a smirk. 

“That’s later,” said Ava, not missing a beat and Sara’s jaw dropped slightly. “No, I uh - I wanted to give you your birthday present.” 

Sara’s nose crinkled, the cute little scrunch Ava remembered from whenever Sara had more than three drinks. “Aves, you already gave me something!” 

“That was in front of all our friends who don’t currently know how I feel about you,” said Ava.

Sara’s eyes softened. “Babe. You seriously don’t have to -” 

“This is the first birthday I’ve gotten to celebrate with you in six years Sara,” Ava interrupted, stepping across the kitchen to stand in front of Sara. “Sometimes it feels like that time’s gone by in the blink of an eye but other times, I can’t help but think of just how long that was that we weren’t in each other’s lives and … I wanna make up for that time.” She took Sara’s face in her hands, leaning in to press a kiss to Sara’s forehead before reaching into her back pocket and pulling out the key she’d worked up the nerve to get made yesterday before the mall closed. She held it between her and Sara, silently relieved that her hand wasn’t shaking. “I thought I’d start with this.” 

Sara’s eyes widened just a fraction. “Is this - are … are you asking me to move in with you?” 

“Not quite,” admitted Ava, “but sort of. The key is kind of a two fold present.” 

Sara laughed, resting her head against Ava’s collarbone as her chuckles echoed through the empty apartment. “Of course it is. God I love you.” 

“You gonna let me explain or are you just gonna laugh at me?” 

“Can’t I do both?” 

Ava rolled her eyes. “ _ So _ ,” she said, ignoring Sara’s smirk. “This is a key to this apartment. I - I know you love it here and I know it’s a lot nicer than yours and Zari’s place and that she’s been spending way more time at work helping Ray set up stuff to take over the company next year and she always ends up spending evenings hanging out with Amaya these days so your apartment is kinda just this halfway point for you guys. We’re still really new and I know we’re gonna want our space sometimes and I want you to still be able to go  _ home  _ somewhere that’s not here while we’re still figuring all of this out, but I got this made because I wanted you to be able to spend time here even if I’m at work or out of town or something.” 

Sara took the key from Ava’s fingers, running her thumb over it slowly. “You know I do know where you keep your spare out on your fire escape, right? You still keep it in the same place you kept ours on  _ our _ fire escape.” 

Ava arched her eyebrow. “You want me to take the key back?” 

“No!” 

Ava poked Sara in the side. “Thought so. Now let me get to the second thing.” 

“Oh, I thought we’d covered both folds already,” said Sara with a grin and Ava glared. 

“Why am I even nice to you?” 

“Because you  _ love  _ me.” 

“Uh huh, sure.” 

Sara snorted, squeezing Ava just a little. “What was the second thing, babe?” she asked, voice just that little bit softer. 

Ava relented, ducking her head down as the heat rose to her cheeks. “It’s more of a thinking ahead thing.” 

Sara smiled. “I’m listening.” 

Ava swallowed, distracting herself from her nerves by watching the way the light glinted over the key held tight in Sara’s hand. “Zari told me your apartment building got sold so your leases are all ending a couple months early next year. She also mentioned that the two of you might be looking for a place with Amaya when all of that happens.” 

“Yeah,” said Sara, nodding a little. “We’ve barely talked about it because it’s still a few months away but that’s where we stand so far.” 

“Okay,” said Ava, “so this is where the  _ sort of  _ part of the key being a move in offer comes in.” 

Sara’s eyebrow quirked, something sparkling in the corner of her eye as a slow, curious smile spread across her face. “Oh?” 

Ava bit her lip. “This apartment isn’t quite a full year lease. It ends sometime around when you and Zari would have to move out of your place. So I was thinking that when that time comes - and obviously, it’s still a few months away so we don’t have to think about it  _ right  _ now but when it gets to then - if maybe you would think about us getting a place together?” She kind of understood Sara’s nervous rambling from before because suddenly, she couldn’t stop talking. “Just because, you know, hopefully by then we’ve kind of figured it all out a bit more and we won’t still be taking things slow and all our friends will probably know and I just - I miss living with you Sara, and I don’t think I realised how much until we got back together but waking up next to you in the morning is my favourite thing and I miss all those adventures we used to have making up stories about the people in the apartments across the street and making pillow forts and burning pancakes and it’s - it’s like you said before. I want this forever - I want  _ you  _ forever and I wanna make up for those six years we never talked and never got to see each other so -” 

“Ava,” interrupted Sara, curling her fingers around the collar of Ava’s shirt and tugging her forward into a messy kiss full of teeth and laughter and smiles. “ _ Yeah  _ I wanna live with you, are you kidding? And this is perfect, it’s - it’s plenty of time for us to get used to this a bit more and tell everybody but still move forward and start this whole chapter properly.” 

“Yeah?” Ava asked softly, and Sara nodded.

“Yeah. Definitely.”

Ava grinned. Sara wanted to  _ live _ with her. Sara wanted the exact same things as her - she wanted to see what the future could hold for them both, and this felt like the perfect logical next step. 

“Hey Aves?” 

Ava blinked, looking back to Sara, whose fingers were now toying with the edge of her top. Sara smiled innocently at her, lightly chewing on her lower lip. “What about the other gift you said I had to unwrap?”

Ava rolled her eyes, one hand curling around Sara’s waist to pull her closer, the other cupping her cheek, thumb brushing lightly over Sara’s lips, deliberately teasing. 

Drunk birthday sex was the best idea they’d ever had. ** _   
_ **


	27. i'm not saying perfect exists in this life (but we'll only know if we try)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Ten!” 
> 
> Ava grabbed her hand, tugging Sara towards her. Sara’s eyes met hers and something jolted in her stomach at the clear message in Ava’s eyes. 
> 
> “Nine!”
> 
> “If you kiss me, everyone’s gonna know,” Sara said in barely a whisper, too close to Amaya and Zari to speak any louder. 
> 
> “Eight!”
> 
> Ava’s eyes flickered with something that disappeared so quickly Sara didn’t have time to catch it. Then, Ava’s lips curled upwards in a soft, barely there smile, and all the breath left Sara’s lungs as the sparkle of the rooftop lights reflected in Ava’s eyes, making the smile on her face seem to glow. 
> 
> “I know,” Ava said softly. 
> 
> OR 
> 
> the end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE! 
> 
> so like, we're uh .... very aware ... that it has been .... several weeks. 
> 
> this chapter was literally sitting there, almost finished, just needing a few edits, for a really, really long time but a lil thing we like to call ~ a lovely depressive slump ~ kinda hit and so did job insecurity and just an all around bad time and life, as you all know, has been incredibly unpredictable lately and we just weren't willing to upload what's technically the final Proper chapter of this fic without it being perfect. 
> 
> legends being on hiatus (and caity's recent ... problematic behaviour) have made it rly difficult for us to feel connected to the show and characters, and as we've said, we've gotten really into some other shows and writing fics for those recently. we didn't wanna force something that didn't feel authentic or doing the versions of the characters we've created justice, so it's taken a while to finally land up at the point where we wanted to post this final chapter. but legends has and will always have changed our lives, brought us together and showed us just how much we're capable of in terms of writing, and these characters - in canon and in every au, no matter what is going on with the cast and how long the show isn't on our screens - will always have a place in our hearts. 
> 
> so now, we're here. there will, of course, be an epilogue that we'll upload sometime at a future date (once we've written it) but for now, this is where this story concludes. we're so sorry that the updates have been so inconsistent, but we hope that it's brought joy into your life during such weird and tough times and that despite us being all over the place, you've hung on to the story and these characters over the past (almost) year! we're so grateful for all of your support and we hope you enjoy this ending xx 
> 
> (p.s. - chapter title is from one by sleeping at last)

** _December 2020: _ **

Some people said this was the worst part of the year. The few days between Christmas and New Year always felt odd, lacking in direction, everyone’s daily routines disrupted by the holiday season but not replaced by anything significant. An odd lull fell over the city, the world muffled. Last year Sara had struggled as the city emptied of people she cared about, and she’d ended up stuck here, alone save for the few days Laurel was visiting, wandering around deserted snow filled streets with nothing to do except trail her fingers through the fine white powder that had settled on people’s walls and fences, letting the subsequent numbness spread out from the tips of her fingers. The year before, she had worked, insisting that she didn’t want the time off that the majority of Pete’s other employees had asked for. The year before that, she had worked too.

If she’d been asked then to rate each week of the year this one would have been pretty low on the list - customers were loud and irritating and too drunk for their own good, busy celebrating making it through another 365 days. Ads blared from the TV and radio, all talking about spending time with family and loved ones, and the same music played on loop spreading festive cheer she wasn’t feeling to everyone within reach.

This year though, it was different. The past few days had been quiet and relaxing, making up for half a decade’s worth of the opposite, and it felt as though it had been a long time coming. She and Ava had barely left Ava’s apartment as the city was still smothered in a thick blanket of snow that made it difficult to get anywhere, meanwhile Ava’s bed was much more enticing, the thick blankets she’d dug out of the back of her closet much warmer and softer. Sara had dragged Ava out for walks twice, both of them lacing up their boots and tugging on as many layers as they could fit under their coats, Sara barely waiting for Ava to slip her fingers into her gloves before taking her hand and leading her out the door, down the hallway, into the elevator, and then finally out of her block and down the frozen streets to the wide, open, snow-covered park. They’d wandered down to the docks, stood watching the icy water whisper against the wharf until fresh snowflakes had started to fall again and catch in their hair.

Both times, Ava had bought her a hot chocolate on their way home, cheeks flushed and eyes alight with excitement. 

Both times, they’d crawled into bed in their pajamas to warm up after they made it back, content and at ease and  _ happy. _

That’s what Sara was. Happy. Delighted by the relationship she’d found herself in, elated from spending so much time with the breathtaking woman currently curled up in bed beside her semi asleep whilst Sara sat watching, exhilarated by the potential this fresh year could hold. As college kids, they’d wanted every second to be an adventure. It had taken years to learn to appreciate the moments like these.

Sara ran her fingers through Ava’s hair and Ava murmured contentedly. 

“What’re you thinking about?” Ava asked, a sleepy mumble rather than a coherent question. Sara’s fingers followed a lock of hair from her roots, trailing down the edge of Ava’s face over her forehead, past her temple, and back behind her ear before she curled them, resting them lightly against the soft skin just below Ava’s ear.

“You.”

She felt Ava’s smile before she saw it. “You’re a sap,” Ava said teasingly, not opening her eyes. 

A grin spread across Sara’s face. “I’m  _ your _ sap.”

Ava murmured another contented agreement, turning her head slightly to press a light kiss to the inside of Sara’s wrist. She looked beautiful like this, comfortable around Sara in a way she wasn’t ever around anyone else. Ava propped herself up on her elbows, opening her eyes, suddenly looking as though she was the one with something to share.

Sara quirked an eyebrow, gentle smile still in place. “What?”

“I’m almost ready. To tell people we’re together.” 

The admission took Sara by surprise, but it shouldn’t have. It hadn’t come out of nowhere - they’d been slowly building towards this for the past few weeks and her birthday, followed by the last few days, had cemented it fully. She wanted to be able to have these quiet, softer moments around their friends too rather than solely when they were alone, and she knew Ava did too. 

Ava worried her lower lip, one more thing on her mind. “And we should tell Jordan. I don’t want her to find out through someone else, she deserves to hear it from us.”

Yeah, Ava was right about that too. Jordan had been nothing but supportive when she was here and had continued to be incredible from the other side of the Atlantic, and to top it all off she’d been rooting for this to work out between them since the day she left. She and Jordan were lucky, Sara thought with a smile. Both of them. Lucky they’d both gotten to date Ava Sharpe, lucky they’d ended up as friends, lucky that all three of them had ended up happy and in the places they wanted to be with - or at least heading towards, in her case - the careers they wanted to have.

“We’ll tell her,” she agreed with a smile, slipping her fingers between Ava’s and running her thumb lightly across Ava’s skin. “Soon.”

_ And then we can tell everyone, _ she didn’t say, but she suspected Ava heard her.  _ And then we can go out on dates without sneaking around. You can hang around at my place in the evenings when that’s easier for us, you can stay, if you want, I can curl up practically in your lap on the couch with you for movie nights and tell you whatever I want not caring that people might overhear, I can spin you around at parties and kiss you in the middle of the dance floor.  _

“You can kiss me  _ now _ ,” Ava grinned, and Sara blinked, pulled back to the present rather than lost in the future, unaware that she’d been voicing her thoughts out loud. She laughed quietly. She always used to get lost in the past, never pausing for a second to think any further ahead than the next few days.

It was refreshing to see how much things had changed. 

* * *

The next day, Sara woke up to Ava already sitting awake in bed. She had pulled one knee up to her chest, resting her chin on it as she gazed out of her bedroom window where the curtains were drawn back, watching the city flicker to life in the wintery early morning, lights flickering on and car engines spluttering with the cold and the sun slowly peeking up over the horizon, attempting to break through the heavy snow clouds above them. She had a pensive expression on her face, eyes soft and wide awake despite the fact that the bedroom was still cloaked in the haze of pre-sunrise light. Sara tried to blink the sleep out of her own eyes, reluctantly bringing her hand up from under the warmth of the covers to reach out and squeeze Ava’s arm. 

“Hey. You okay?” 

Ava glanced down at her, an immediate smile gracing her face. “Hey. Did I wake you?” 

“By what, sitting in silence?” said Sara and Ava rolled her eyes. “No, you didn’t. Seriously though, you okay?” 

Ava nodded, resting her cheek against her knee and letting her gaze linger on the view out the window again. Sara could tell something was on her mind but she didn’t want to push. Instead, she shuffled towards Ava and wrapped an arm around her girlfriend’s middle, burrowing into her side and trying to slip back into sleep with the reassuring weight of Ava beside her. She felt Ava’s fingers drop to card through her hair and Sara sighed contentedly. 

“Hey Sara?” said Ava after a few moments, sounding uncertain. 

“Mm?” 

“I ... I think we could tell Jordan today.” 

Something dropped in Sara’s stomach and she purposefully didn’t move from where she was lying, thankful her face was hidden, but she was sure Ava had felt her tense. 

“Is that okay?” said Ava immediately. 

Sara swallowed, pushing herself up on one arm and offering Ava what she hoped was a reassuring smile. “Babe, you don’t have to ask me for permission. She’s  _ your  _ ex.” 

Ava furrowed her eyebrows. “It’s not about her being my ex,” she said, her fingers gentle as they resumed brushing through Sara’s hair. “She’s your friend too, and we’ve deliberately kept this from all of our friends so we can figure this all out by ourselves first. If you don’t wanna tell anyone just yet, we don’t have to -” 

“It’s not that,” said Sara quickly. She sighed, shifting upwards so that she was sitting cross legged facing Ava, their covers half covering one leg. “It’s just ... I love you.” 

Ava’s eyes glittered at that. “I love you too.” 

Sara’s heart still skipped every time she said it. She glanced down at the wrinkled sheets below them, picking at a loose seam in her pyjama shorts. “And I ... I love  _ us _ . Everything that we’ve got right now. This ... this is the happiest I’ve been in a really,  _ really  _ long time Aves and I’m so fucking terrified that people aren’t gonna take it well and it’s all gonna fall apart.” 

Ava eyed her carefully for a moment before reaching out and tangling her fingers in Sara’s. “This isn’t about Jordan finding out, is it?” she said softly. 

Sara clenched her jaw. It was frustrating how well Ava could see through her. She swallowed, forcing herself to meet Ava’s eyes. “Maybe not.” 

Ava smiled, thumb tracing over an old burn on the back of Sara’s hand (junior year, the culprit being Sara’s curling iron). It still tingled a little. “Laurel or our friends?” asked Ava. 

“Both,” Sara admitted. She squeezed Ava’s hand tightly. “I honestly can’t see a scenario where any of them would be completely, unapologetically happy for us, and I don’t want to - I  _ can’t  _ \- lose any of this because of that.” She could feel a faint burning in her eyes and she immediately looked up at the ceiling to try and stave off tears. It wasn’t even 6:30am yet and she didn’t want to start the day crying about this. “I can’t lose you again Ava.” 

“Hey, baby, no - look at me.” Ava’s hands came to cup Sara’s face, gently easing it forward so that Sara was looking at Ava again. Ava’s eyes were soft but certain, and her voice was just as sure. “I can’t promise that any of the people we care about are gonna be a hundred percent okay with us. But I’m with you. You and me, we’re gonna figure all of this out. We’re not gonna let those same things get between us again, and no matter what gets stressful, how our lives get complicated, or how hesitant our friends are about our relationship, we’re gonna do it all together this time. You’re  _ not  _ gonna lose me, Sara.” 

Sara held out her pinky. “Promise?” 

Ava’s eyes were soft as she smiled, looped her pinky around Sara’s and pressed their thumbs together. “Promise.”

Finally, Sara was able to release the breath she felt as though she’d been holding for days, maybe weeks. Tugging Ava forward a little, she kissed her, slow and relieved and still a little sleepy and wrapped up in the early morning light sparkling across the floorboards and the shadows flickering over the walls above Ava’s bed. 

“So,” Sara said, thumbing the fabric of Ava’s t-shirt. “Jordan.” 

“Yeah,” said Ava. “Seriously Sara, if you’re not ready to tell people -” 

“I’m not,” said Sara truthfully. “But I don’t want to keep hiding us. And I think Jordan is a pretty good place to start.” 

* * *

_ Jordan Haverstock _ _   
_ _   
_ ** _iMessage_ ** ** _   
_ ** (Sara Lance)   
**Friday**

**   
** ** _7:06am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** hey you, how’re you doing? 

** _   
_ ** ** _7:07am: _ ** ** _   
_ ** Hey! I’m pretty good! Work is a   
bit chaotic this time of year but    
it’s exciting to be able to tick over   
the new year in London!!! 

** _   
_ ** ** _7:07am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** I’ve been here for six months now,   
how weird is that

** _   
_ ** ** _7:08am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** genuinely feels like it’s been a few   
weeks and a million years at the same   
time tbh 

** _   
_ ** ** _7:09am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** star city misses u

  
** _7:09am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** I miss Star City <3 

** _   
_ ** ** _7:10am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** How are you doing? x 

** _   
_ ** ** _7:10am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** i’m okay! 

** _   
_ ** ** _7:10am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** work is also chaotic here

** _   
_ ** ** _7:11am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** a million end of year parties at verdant   
and obviously absolute Mountains of shit   
to mark from end of semester assignments   
and exams at SCU

** _   
_ ** ** _7:11am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** but! I got a promotion starting next semester!    
so it kind of feels more worth all the work and   
long hours doing all of that stuff bc it’s equating   
to more of a Career job, you know?

** _   
_ ** ** _7:12am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Sara! That’s fucking amazing, I’m so   
proud of you <3 You deserve this so much

** _   
_ ** ** _7:13am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** thanks jordan xxx

** _   
_ ** ** _7:13am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** I actually had something else I wanted to   
tell you too

** _   
_ ** ** _7:14am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Yeah?

** _   
_ ** ** _7:14am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** yeah I just kind of have no idea how to   
tell you :’-D

** _   
_ ** ** _7:15am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Hey, you can tell me anything, you know   
that 

** _   
_ ** ** _7:17am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** ava and I are dating again

** _   
_ ** ** _7:19am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** SARA

** _   
_ ** ** _7:20am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** OH MY GOD

** _   
_ ** ** _7:20am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** is that a good oh my god???

** _   
_ ** ** _7:21am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** YES OF COURSE IT IS

** _   
_ ** ** _7:22am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** oh thank fuck

  
** _7:22am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** I’ve been shitting myself trying to   
work up the nerve to text you for   
like thirty minutes

** _   
_ ** ** _7:23am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** I mean, it feels a little weird thinking   
about Ava seeing somebody else but    
it was always gonna be weird when she   
started seeing somebody and I’m so glad   
it’s you and me being a little ‘whoa okay’    
doesn’t mean I’m not so so fucking happy    
for both of you

** _   
_ ** ** _7:23am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** How long has this been a thing? How did   
it happen? Does everyone else know?

** _   
_ ** ** _7:25am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** I told her about my feelings for her   
in July and we decided that when   
she was ready, we’d give us another   
shot but we wanted to wait until we   
knew that when we did, it would   
work for good bc we weren’t willing   
to fuck it up again

** _   
_ ** ** _7:26am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Holy shit I’m proud of you two

** _   
_ ** ** _7:27am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** it just kind of Happened randomly one   
day, we just realised we were both ready   
and in the right place. It was like, the day   
before ray and nora got engaged

** _   
_ ** ** _7:28am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** and … no. we haven’t told anyone else,    
we’re both kinda terrified of what they’re   
gonna say

** _   
_ ** ** _7:29am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Not gonna lie, I think they’ll be a bit   
taken aback for a while

** _   
_ ** ** _7:30am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** yeah me too

** _   
_ ** ** _7:30am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** it’s why we wanted to start by telling you.   
also because you deserved to hear it from   
us and you kinda knew before anyone else   
that I had feelings for ava anyway

** _   
_ ** ** _7:31am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** also ava says thank you.

  
** _7:32am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Give her a hug from me x

** _   
_ ** ** _7:33am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** I hope you both know I’m really really   
really happy for you. And I’ll be rooting   
for you even if the others find it a bit   
hard to get their heads around at first

  
** _7:34am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** Alsoooooo

** _   
_ ** ** _7:34am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** If you’re telling me this, I should probably   
tell you 

** _   
_ ** ** _7:34am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** IS THIS ABOUT THE CUTE BARISTA   
AT YOUR COFFEE SHOP

** _   
_ ** ** _7:35am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** …. Maybe

** _   
_ ** ** _7:36am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** FUCKING KNEW IT

** _   
_ ** ** _7:36am:_ ** ** _   
_ ** GIVE ME A MINUTE TO GO PEE   
AND THEN I’M CALLING YOU    
ABT THIS THANKS

** **

* * *

New Year was usually a small, quiet affair between all of them, if anything, because people tended to go away for the holidays anyway. This year however, the CEO of the tech company Ray and Zari worked at - Neo-Cyber Technology - was throwing one last big party before handing the company over to Ray in the new year. Ray had snagged them all tickets back in October, and given that they’d all been around for this period after Christmas anyway, for the first time in six years Sara found herself about to celebrate New Year’s Eve with her closest friends in the world. 

Getting ready separately had seemed like a good idea when Ava had suggested it - it was less suspicious than turning up together, and they were far more likely to make it there on time without each other to cause a distraction - but it  _ had _ meant endless probing from Zari about the state of her love life, about her girlfriend not coming as her plus one. (The fact that technically she herself was  _ Zari’s _ plus one seemed irrelevant to her.) 

Zari’s inquisitive questioning she could deal with though; it was good natured, sweet, and stemmed solely from a genuine desire to see Sara happy. And above anything else, it was entertaining. She’d lost count of how many times she’d bitten back a laugh or turned to the mirror to hide her smile, amused and trying her hardest not to tell Zari that her date was already invited. Part of her wanted to, just for the way Zari’s jaw would drop, gears turning at twice their usual speed, aching to work out whether Sara was dating someone she knew from work already and if so, how they’d met. Sara ducked her head down, looping a strand of hair around her finger before pinning it up, glad she’d already done her makeup because she could feel her cheeks flushing once again. 

The real issue - the one she had completely overlooked - was trying to play it cool when she first caught sight of Ava waiting patiently at the base of the steps outside the large hotel that had been rented for the evening along with Ray, Nora, Nate and Amaya. She barely had time to take in the boys’ sharp suits, Amaya’s familiar, tasteful coral jumpsuit and Nora’s sweeping 1950s esque baby blue number before her eyes landed on Ava and Ava broke out into a grin, the excited twinkle in her eyes visible even across the 20 meters or so currently separating them. The air hummed with faint music, drifting over to them from inside where the party had already begun. Rain had been predicted for this evening, but over the past few hours the thick, heavy clouds that had smothered the city had given way to clear skies, the deep blue hue darkening as spots of light appeared, the stars more visible here a little way out of the city than they usually were from Sara’s apartment.

Sara gave herself a moment to spin around slowly, taking every detail in, and when she stopped she found Ava still watching her with a softer, even more appreciative smile. 

Ava had insisted on keeping her outfit for tonight hidden and despite her curiosity Sara had made no effort to peek into her wardrobe, caught up in the inherent romanticism of the suggestion. This wasn’t a date, but it sure  _ felt _ like one and Sara was having a hard time tearing her eyes away from the sweeping neckline of the deep blue figure hugging dress that Ava and Nora had gone shopping for especially after Ray had invited them all to attend this classier than usual event rather than hosting their own party. Her hair was half up, half down, and cascaded over one shoulder in light, gently curled waves, makeup a little bolder than usual, the soft curve of her lips just as inviting - if not even more so - than when Sara had woken up beside her that morning.

Sara didn’t realise she’d stopped walking until Zari nudged her elbow slightly, tilting her head in the direction of the steps. “You coming?” she teased, mildly curious expression on her face, and Sara blinked, tearing her gaze from Ava and back to Zari. She nodded and Zari didn’t comment further, instead leading them over to the others.

Sara waited until the rest of the group started to head up the steps before drifting towards Ava’s side, fingers curling lightly around Ava’s wrist and holding them back a little, letting the space between themselves and the rest of the party increase.

This wasn’t subtle, but -

“Hey,” said Ava, eyes bright with the potential this evening held, the simple greeting a little breathless, a sentiment Sara echoed. Ava’s gaze skimmed over Sara’s outfit just as Sara had done moments ago, lingering for a little longer than either of them should have let it. Sara tilted her face away from the rest of the group, momentarily wishing she’d left her hair down too; it would have made it easier to hide her soft, unrestrainable smile, her drifting eyes, the love that threatened to give them both away. Ava’s index finger brushed over Sara’s knuckles for a fleeting second and Sara’s breath caught in her throat yet again, the greeting on the tip of her tongue melting away. “You look beautiful,” Ava said softly, and Sara ignored the inexplicable flutter of nerves in the base of her stomach in favour of smoothing down the fabric of her dress, trying to find something for her hands to do so they didn’t reach out to pull Ava into a kiss then and there, before they’d even made it to the party. 

“That’s funny,” Sara teased the moment she’d regained control of her vocal chords, “that’s what I was about to say.”

Ava’s light laughter was fond, tickling the depths of Sara’s stomach and making her reach out, curling her pinky around Ava’s for a moment. It was a good thing all of their friends were up ahead of them because she didn’t think she had the ability to hide any of the feelings threatening to burst out of her chest. The world was spinning, or perhaps she was the one spinning, and if she had the option to freeze time in this moment she would in a heartbeat just to tease this out a little, to give them a few minutes more together before returning to a world where overly casual touches were off limits and gentle affection was hidden under the guise of friendship.

Ava’s eyes flickered shyly up to the group ahead of them, clearly having thoughts along a similar vein. 

“I wish I could kiss you,” Sara murmured, trailing a finger up Ava’s arm and making her shiver. She considered it for a moment. They could probably get away with it, none of the others would see them unless they happened to turn around, and even if they did … 

Sara swallowed, trying to push the idea out of her mind because if she kissed Ava right now she’d be tempted to  _ keep _ kissing her, and they’d end up so absorbed in each other that this rapidly fading secrecy would be lost. 

(Not that she’d be against that anymore - they were planning on telling everyone sometime early in the New Year anyway - but she should let Ava decide when and where she wanted to reveal this to the others.)

Ava’s lips brushed faintly against Sara’s ear as she leant forward, her playful smile growing. “Later,” she murmured, stealing Sara’s breath from her lungs and sending a jolt right through her, flickers of warmth curling around her stomach and reminding her of similar teasing not too long ago when Ava was even more off limits than she was now. They’d managed to resist this seemingly inescapable pull then, so they should be experts by now.  _ Later _ was only a few hours away. 

Ava smirked, eyes sparking with mirth, already taking a step back. “C’mon,” she said, allowing her finger to brush across Sara’s outstretched palm before her hand dropped back to her side and she started leading them both up the steps, the facade of friendship falling back into place, a little more translucent than before. “We’ve got a party to go to.”

The night passed in a blur. 

The ballroom of the hotel was flawlessly decorated with all the money Neo-Cyber had to spare (which was a lot) - colourful lanterns hung from the ceiling, aesthetic light bulbs and twinkle lights hung up behind cream coloured sheets on the walls and made the entire room sparkle. The ballroom was on the 25th floor of the hotel and opened out onto a rooftop garden, so both the ballroom and roof had a beautiful view of the entire city, aglow with New Year’s excitement and the buzz of parties across the city was visible as lights twinkled in the darkness like fireflies. 

Between glasses of champagne, snacking on platters of olives, cured meats and cheeses and chocolate more expensive than Sara could even imagine, Sara spent the night dancing with Ray, Wally and Nate, laughing and taking photos on the balcony with the girls, finding that Mick had spiked the bowl of punch and convincing Nate into downing a much stronger glass of it than he’d intended on having, making up stories about the rich tech big-wigs around them with Amaya and Zari, and more than anything, wondering if it was possible that she could ever be more in love with Ava than she was right now. 

Just like that first night together at the beginning of the month, Sara couldn’t help but feel so resoundly sure about  _ this.  _ It was another moment of perfect clarity, realising exactly how much she and Ava weren’t meant to be together all those years ago because then it couldn’t be like  _ this,  _ now. Them in a beautifully decorated ballroom (wearing fancier dresses than Sara had ever envisioned herself wearing in her late 20s) as the year drew to a close, surrounded by the people they loved most, every painful, jagged piece of their heartbreak finally buried and everything between them sure and unwavering and the kind of imperfect magic that Sara hadn’t properly understood or appreciated the first time round. 

Despite the cold, everyone crowded out to the roof when someone shouted out “Five minutes!” 

There were several outdoor wood burners and heaters purposefully placed outside, lit to their highest setting to balance the icy mid winter chill that hung in the air. Thankfully, both the huge crowds of people and the collection of heaters running offset the cold and Sara barely even felt the goosebumps on her bare shoulders as she leaned against the edge of the roof and watched the city lights. She felt an arm brush against hers and glanced over to see Ava mimic her, resting her arms against the chilled brick, her fingers still curled around her champagne flute. 

“ _ Two minutes! _ ” 

“You good?” asked Sara. 

Ava smiled. “Couldn’t be better.” 

Sara shrugged, nudging Ava’s shoulder with hers. “ _ I  _ could be.” 

Ava frowned with concern. “Why, what’s wrong?” 

Sara cast a quick look around them, making sure all their friends were crowded around one of the wood burners or inside getting a drink quickly before the countdown. She leaned in a little closer to Ava, lowering her voice to a soft whisper. “Just wish I could kiss you at midnight.” 

Ava’s eyes also darted behind them, making sure nobody was watching before pressing a soft kiss to Sara’s shoulder. “Me too babe,” she murmured. 

Sara shook her head. “It’s okay though. You’re gonna have to put up with me being your New Years kiss for the  _ rest  _ of your life Aves.” 

Ava’s eyes twinkled at that. “I think I’ll be able to suffer through it.” 

Sara laughed, elbowing Ava lightly before letting her gaze drift back out to the city beyond them. It was hard to believe that a year and a half ago, she’d felt like this city was too small, like the walls of it were closing in around her and she needed to get out before she was trapped underneath the slowly crumbling pillars of memories and moments and everything about who she used to be and who she could have been. Now, Star City felt as though it stretched out forever. Like the sparkling lights of all the apartments and buildings and houses were earth-bound stars glistening in a sea of navy. The gathering snow clouds rolling over the harbour in the distance felt oddly comforting. They brought the knowledge that they would all wake up tomorrow on the first day of the new year and despite hangovers and exhaustion and the inevitable clutter of all their fancy dresses and suits and high heels strewn over their floors, the ground would be encased in a bright, glistening, icy white blanket. It was a sound promise. 

It hit Sara suddenly, that this whole upcoming year was a sound promise. The soundest promise for a year ahead she had ever really had. 

Her contract with SCU was at least a year-long position. She knew this relationship with Ava was for the long-haul, no matter what. Tommy and Oliver wanted Sara to become as good as a third partner for  _ Verdant,  _ for her to be in charge of the day-to-day running of the place given how frequently they were both out of Star City. And of course, there were Ray’s plans to turn Neo-Cyber into Palmer Tech, his and Nora’s wedding and Jordan  _ finally  _ flying over to visit for it, moving in with Ava, Nate’s suggestion that Sara come on the annual archaeology dig this upcoming summer - 

“ _ One minute _ !” 

“What’re you thinking about?” Ava asked softly, and Sara had to strain a little to hear her as the volume of excited chatter rose around them. Sara didn’t look away from the city lights even as she felt Ava’s eyes on her. There was an unexpected lump in her throat that she couldn’t quite swallow as she tried to speak. 

“Ever since I went to LA,” she said quietly, “I dreaded New Years. It … it just felt like a reminder that a year had passed and I wasn’t where I had envisioned myself being. I wasn’t  _ who  _ I envisioned myself being. And everyone always celebrated the new year and I felt like I had nothing to look forward to. I had no idea where I was going in my life and I didn’t really have anyone that I knew for sure would still be there a year from now.” 

“This year’s different, huh?” said Ava, her voice warm with affection and pride. 

Sara nodded. “And it’s not just because of you either, which is weirdly a relief? Don’t get me wrong Aves, I love you so much. But -” 

“It’s  _ you  _ being exactly where you want to be in your life,” finished Ava, smiling. “I know. And I’m so proud of you for that Sara.” 

“Guys!” said Nate excitedly, appearing behind them and tugging them both back towards the buzzing crowd. “Hurry up, you’re gonna miss the countdown!” 

Sara laughed at his infectious grin, at the energy that was almost visibly crackling between all of them. Nora had her arm looped around Ray’s waist, grinning as she and Zari and Wally teased Ray about how in forty odd seconds, technically, he would be Ray Palmer, CEO of Neo-Cyber Tech, soon to be Palmer Tech. Ray shushed them with pleased embarrassment. Mick was talking to one of the Neo-Cyber employees who was apparently an old flame, and Sara exchanged smirks with Nate and Amaya as Amaya mouthed “We know who he’s kissing at midnight.” 

_ “Thirty seconds! _ ” 

Sara curled her fingers into her palms to avoid reaching for Ava’s hand. Her chest ached with longing, and she tried to push it down as far as she could. She would get to kiss Ava later. There would be months - years even - of midnight kisses on cold winter nights, who knew how many New Years kisses to come. But there was something about  _ tonight _ \- about the resounding, unwavering sureness Sara felt so deep in her bones that this was exactly who she was supposed to be right here and right now. It made her want the magic of pulling Ava into a kiss as a wintery breeze swept over the crowd, as fireworks erupted over the city, as champagne flutes  _ clinked  _ and people cheered. She wanted to kiss Ava as they stood here, dressed in beautiful silk dresses and sharp, elegant heels, while this whole night felt like it couldn’t possibly be real life. 

“ _ Ten! _ ” 

Ava grabbed her hand, tugging Sara towards her. Sara’s eyes met hers and something jolted in her stomach at the clear message in Ava’s eyes. 

“ _ Nine! _ ”

“If you kiss me, everyone’s gonna know,” Sara said in barely a whisper, too close to Amaya and Zari to speak any louder. 

“ _ Eight! _ ”

Ava’s eyes flickered with something that disappeared so quickly Sara didn’t have time to catch it. Then, Ava’s lips curled upwards in a soft, barely there smile, and all the breath left Sara’s lungs as the sparkle of the rooftop lights reflected in Ava’s eyes, making the smile on her face seem to glow. 

“I know,” Ava said softly. 

“ _ Seven! _ ”

A buzz of anticipation and terror sparked in Sara’s chest and her eyes swept around them, around the people she loved most, and she made a silent almost New Years wish that this moment - the laughter and the celebration and the drunken dancing and the idealistic promises - would always stay this way, in every memory, in every photo album and story, that 11:59pm on the 31st of December 2020 would always be this bubble of effervescent magic that nobody could touch, nobody could take away.

“ _ Six! _ ”

Ava tugged her just that little bit closer, her fingers feather-light as they trailed down Sara’s arm and curled around Sara’s hand. 

“ _ Five! _ ” 

Zari glanced over and for a second, Sara could’ve sworn that she gave her a quick, indecipherable look but then her expression shifted and she gave Sara a wide, totally inconspicuous grin and turned to Amaya in time to join in the countdown - 

“ _ Four! _ ”

“No matter what happens this year,” Sara said, squeezing Ava’s hand, “I love you.” 

“ _ Three! _ ” 

The smile Ava gave her was so familiar, so dazzlingly, breathtakingly beautiful and warm and unapologetically in love, Sara felt as though the world needed to curl in on itself and just for a second, to shift and warp and take them back to their first New Years together, all the way back in their junior year, when Ava gave her the exact same smile - 

_ When Sara managed to push her way through the crowd, back to Ava who was standing by one of the large windows of the loft they were in, the party was thrumming loudly around them with drunken excitement and Sara laughed, grabbing Ava’s hands as her girlfriend tugged her close.  _

_ “Thought you were gonna miss the countdown for a moment,” said Ava.  _

_ “And miss out on kissing you?” said Sara. “Never.”  _

_ Ava smiled at her -  _ ** _that _ ** _ smile, the smile Sara knew was hers, the one that was stunning and soft and made her whole body tingle with disbelief that this was  _ ** _hers_ ** _ . Sara tried to remember how to breathe, not complaining as the jubilant crowd jostled her into stepping further towards Ava.  _

_ “How weird is it,” she said, curling her fingers in the soft fabric of Ava’s shirt, “that in five, or seven, or ten years, we might be at another New Years party together and literally everything about our lives will be different?”  _

_ Ava shook her head, sliding one hand over Sara’s jaw. “Not everything,” she said softly. “I’ll still be totally, stupidly in love with you.”  _

_ Sara laughed. “Ditto.”  _

_ “ _ ** _Three! Two!_ ** _ ” -  _

“ _ One! _ ” 

Sara crept up onto her toes as Ava’s hand curled around her waist, pulling her closer. Ava’s other hand cupped Sara’s jaw and as the  _ boom  _ and  _ crackle  _ of fireworks echoed across the city, not nearly loud enough to drown out the cheers and shouts of “ _ Happy New Year! _ ” that rang out into the night, Sara smiled and pulled Ava into a kiss. 

It wasn’t like LA, or their first night together a few weeks ago, or most of the kisses they’d had since. 

It was gentle and soft and only a moment, but the moment felt infinite for just the briefest of seconds as the snow-cloud littered sky was alight with fireworks across the sparkling navy sea that was Star City and the promise of the new year and tomorrow and everything and anything hung tantalisingly in the chilled January air. 

Ava broke the kiss first. 

A second passed, and then there was an explosion of exclamation. 

“I’m sorry, what the  _ fuck  _ -” 

“Holy  _ shit _ !” 

“ _ I’m sorry what the fuck was that _ ?” 

“Did I miss something?” 

“Was that just for New Years, or -” 

“Did you two just  _ kiss _ ?” 

“Am I dreaming? Or super drunk?” 

“What the hell did we just see?” 

Sara held her breath as she turned to face her friends. Most of them bore identical expressions of shock and disbelief, but hints of happiness were at varying degrees. 

When Mick had wandered back over to the group Sara didn’t know, but he had a small, very uncharacteristic smile on his face. Wally was beaming, even as his eyes were wide with incredulity and his jaw was hanging to the ground, looking like he’d quite literally spat out his midnight sip of champagne out of shock. Zari’s brain seemed to be working in overtime, but Sara could see in her expression that the puzzle pieces were fitting together and she let out a soft laugh that sounded like she had murmured “Of fucking course.” Nora wore a similar surprised grin while Ray looked astonished with a sparkle of overjoyed elation in the corner of his eyes, but even so, Sara could see an unhideable hesitance and concern there too, and it was that tentative uncertainty that was more present than anything else on Amaya and Nate’s faces. 

Zari folded her arms, raising an expectant eyebrow as she gave Sara an ‘okay,  _ so _ ?’ look. 

Sara glanced over at Ava who gave her a small nod. 

“So,” said Sara, relieved that her voice wasn’t shaking. “We’re … kind of back together.” 

“Again,” said Nora, laughing incredulously, “what the  _ fuck _ ?” 

“Did I miss this because I’ve been working in Central City lately?” asked Wally before taking a long gulp of champagne as though that would somehow clear his confusion. 

Amaya shook her head. “No, I had absolutely no idea. Were … were we supposed to have some kind of idea this was going on?” 

“Not at all,” promised Ava, giving them all an apologetic smile. “We kept it very, very quiet. We were trying to work out what exactly this was for ourselves before telling anybody.” 

“Oh my fucking  _ god _ ,” said Zari, pinching the bridge of her nose. “Sara, I can’t  _ believe  _ Ava was your secret girlfriend all along.” 

“You knew about this?” said Nate. 

“No, she didn’t,” said Sara, feeling uneasy at the mildly accusatory tone in Nate’s voice. “She just knew I was seeing somebody. I mean guys, we live together, of course she was gonna notice. I hadn’t told her who it was.” 

Amaya let out a soft, breathy laugh. “This is crazy.” 

“Definitely started the New Year with a bang,” said Wally. 

“No Wally, that’s gonna be later,” said Nora with a wink and Ava’s face went red with an embarrassed groan as Sara, Amaya, Zari, Wally and Mick all laughed. 

“I  _ so  _ want to keep talking about this,” said Ray, “but I really should go do the whole mix and mingle and wishing a happy New Year to everyone -” 

“Yeah, especially considering you’re now the boss,” teased Zari, giving him a mocking salute and Ray wrinkled his nose. 

“Please don’t salute me at work,” he said. 

“Aye, aye boss,” said Zari, causing another bout of laughter. 

“It’s okay Ray,” said Ava, reaching over to give his arm a squeeze. “Everyone’s drunk and buzzed on adrenaline and overexcited anyway. We’ll talk about all of it properly in the next few days.” 

Ray nodded before giving Ava, then Sara a tight hug. 

“I’m happy for you both,” he said, and his voice was so firmly sincere that it caught Sara a little by surprise. Before she could thank him or pull him into another hug, he’d ducked around Mick to disappear into the crowd. 

The volume of the music cranked up abruptly and everyone started cheering as the party started to dissolve into the more uninhibited loud, improper chaos and dancing and drinking that had been carefully held back until the countdown. Sara didn’t realise Nate, Mick and Nora had also been swallowed by the crowd until she glanced over to only see Amaya, Wally and Zari standing there. 

“We’re definitely talking about this later,” said Amaya, squeezing both of Sara’s hands and then giving Ava a long  _ look.  _ Even then, it was  _ Amaya _ , and the smile in her eyes was kind and as sincere as Ray’s. “But until then, happy freakin’ New Year!” 

Sara returned the smile and gave her a hug, deciding to tuck away the budding anxiety about these  _ later  _ conversations that were waiting in the coming days. Instead, she determinedly let the magic from earlier sweep through the crowds and envelop her (and Ava). Wally hugged them both and went in search of more drinks, letting Zari step forward to give Sara a small, wry grin and also pull her into a tight, purposeful hug. 

“Are you mad?” Sara murmured. 

“Not at all,” Zari promised, quiet enough that it wouldn’t be heard by anyone other than them. “I do expect a full debrief tomorrow though.” 

Sara laughed, pulling away and rolling her eyes. “You got it Z.” 

It was then that Ava’s fingers found Sara’s again, pulling her closer again as the speakers blasted the music louder and the fireworks lit up a dazzling display of light and neon flares of colour in the sky around them. Sara didn’t realise that Ava was leading them to the start of the roof - back to the side door of the ballroom where the corridor to the elevators was located - until the crowds started to thin out and Sara glanced over her shoulder and saw that Zari and Amaya too had been lost to the sea of people. 

“Where are we going?” she asked Ava. Ava pulled Sara into the ballroom, down the hall and into the little foyer waiting for the elevator. 

“This is definitely the coolest New Year’s party we’ve ever been to,” said Ava, hands finding Sara’s waist and curling into the silky fabric of Sara’s dress, “but I’m definitely not doing any of the interrogations our friends are mentally preparing until tomorrow at the very least.” 

“I’m with you there,” said Sara, sliding her hands up her girlfriend’s arms to hang them around Ava’s neck. “The night’s still young,” she added, carefully pulling two of the pins in Ava’s hair out to let some of the up-do gracefully tumble down to fall over her shoulders. “It’s only midnight. Any suggestions for how we should ring in the new year?” 

The elevator  _ dinged  _ and the minute the doors slid open, Ava dragged Sara inside and pressed the button for the ground floor. 

“I think I have a few ideas.” 

* * *

** _January 2021:_ **

She’d been home ten minutes before Zari barged into her bedroom, flopping down on her bed and giving her a long, unreadable look. Sara resisted the urge to sigh. She’d heard enough from the others already this morning. 

She hadn’t put her phone on charge the night before after she and Ava had slipped away from the party, too distracted to stay any longer, she’d instead discarded it on Ava’s bedroom floor along with her coat, shoes, and everything else she’d been wearing. For a few blissful, peaceful hours, it had been just them. Just Ava’s slender, graceful fingers tracing patterns across her skin, just Ava’s lips moving against her own, just Ava’s breath light against her ear as she drifted off to sleep, arm draped over Sara’s stomach, content smile fixed on her lips.

She’d woken to Ava watching her with that same smile, but this time there was a slight cloud of unease hanging in the room, the sense that this beautiful bubble they’d surrounded themselves with was on the verge of bursting. The night before, they’d left before they could have any real conversations with their friends. Telling them that they were together again was enough, and almost everyone had been too tipsy to process this anyway - or at least, that was the excuse she was giving for not sticking around. In truth, even though she  _ wanted _ their friends to know that she and Ava were dating again, chickening out and running before they had a chance to address it was more her style.

They’d stayed in bed as long as possible this morning savouring the last few moments they knew they’d get together before they had to face the world, but they hadn’t been able to make it last forever. 

_ “Do you want to check your phone first or should I,” she mumbled to Ava, drawing a surprised laugh from her.  _

_ “You” Ava said, pulling the duvet up to cover her ears, voice a little hoarse from the night before. The dancing, the drinking, the singing. Sara winced, sitting up in bed, pausing to press a light kiss to the top of Ava’s head. Her phone had to be somewhere. She couldn’t hear it buzzing, at least, which for a brief moment caused a flicker of hope to stir inside her. Maybe … maybe no one would have anything to say. Maybe she and Ava would get smiles and gentle, excited messages wishing them all the best for the future. A girl could dream.  _

_ Sara lifted a heap of her clothing up from the floor, placing it in a slightly neater pile on the end of the bed. Her phone slipped out of her jacket pocket, tumbling to the floor, and she swore under her breath. When she eventually found a charger, slipped it into the base of her phone, and turned it on, the screen lit up as notification after notification flooded in. Tags on Instagram stories and Facebook posts from the night before, well wishes from Laurel - shit, she needed to tell Laurel - and Pete for the coming year, emails from companies she didn’t remember giving her email address to about New Year sales, the odd inevitably blurry snapchats here and there from her friends. _

_ And the messages.  _

She’d shot a quick text off to Laurel before opening anything else, not wanting her to see anything over social media before she had the chance to explain herself. Laurel had replied instantly, uncertainly, but Sara had always been the hot-headed, impulsive one and it showed - no matter how hesitant Laurel clearly felt about this all, the promise of a full thorough run through of how she and Ava had ended up back here placated her. Sara’s promise to call at some point over the next few days was good enough for now - Laurel would hold her judgement until then. If only it had been that easy to gain the support of the rest of the people she and Ava clearly needed to convince. 

Some of the messages had been okay. 

Mick had texted her a vague, but encouraging  _ ‘good for you.’  _

Nora seemed cautiously amused, but unsurprised. 

Ray had seemed generally happy for her, when she’d eventually opened the careful stream of texts he’d sent this morning. Happy that she was happy, at least. She ignored the repeated  _ ‘Are you sure?’ _ and  _ ‘please tell me you both thought this through,’ _ in favour of convincing herself that this was a  _ good _ reaction, or as good as they could hope to get. The texts she had from the others generally followed the same trend.

Nate… 

Sara chewed the inside of her lip, trying to ignore how badly she needed to talk to him face to face. The phone call they’d shared on her way home this morning wasn’t a good enough substitute - she needed to be able to look him in the eyes and see his uncertainty, to watch his frown shift and morph so she could judge where the conversation was going, to have him see how genuine she was, how much she cared, how desperately she wanted this to work out. Because right now, even after they’d talked, he’d remained unconvinced that she and Ava could make this work this time around when it had failed before. He was scared she would leave again if this fell apart, which was fair. They’d made plans for the future, just like they had right before she left for LA the first time, and in his eyes a relationship between her and Ava had the potential to threaten that. 

That, and he was concerned for Ava - concerned about what it would do to her if this relationship cracked and crumbled like it had before - tossing harsh words out at Sara as though she hadn’t spent  _ months _ already considering that.

Sara tiredly rubbed her eyes. It was barely past lunchtime, but this tiredness had nothing to do with a lack of sleep the night before. 

Ava would have her own pile of messages to sift through, but she doubted they’d be the same. If hers were  _ don’t hurt Ava, _ Ava’s were likely to read  _ don’t let Sara hurt you _ . It stung, a little. She deserved it, and she was grateful her friends were looking out for Ava, but it still hurt to think that after six and a half years of growth her friends were still expecting history to repeat itself. 

Did this seem too spontaneous? Maybe she and Ava had been  _ too _ good at hiding the build up. 

Zari was still looking at her.

Sara shifted uncomfortably, running her hand through her hair and glaring in Zari’s direction. “You too?” she asked, unable to bite back the bitterness. She’d convinced herself Zari would be okay with this, mostly because Zari had been the one pushing her towards dating, teasing her about her love life, asking vague questions and grinning at her dorky, lovestruck answers. She’d had a strange smile on her face last night after Sara had kissed Ava at midnight, but Sara could easily have imagined it. That, or the fourteen hours between then and now had given her too much time to rethink her position.

“No.” 

“No?” Sara raised a tentative eyebrow. As it turned out, she was more surprised at Zari  _ not  _ having an issue with it, even if she had been the person who would be least shocked by this development. Zari had been there last night after Sara and Ava slipped away. If there had been conversations, or arguments, following their departure, she would have been involved. 

“Remember when I said that it was good seeing you happy again?” 

Zari waited for her to nod. Sara remembered that conversation vividly - it was the first time they’d properly talked about her and Ava dating, even though Ava hadn’t been mentioned by name. 

“I meant it,” Zari said firmly. “This isn’t at all what I expected, because … well, I never thought you two would end up together again. Not after all the shit that went down the first time. But…” she bit her lip as if she didn’t like what she was about to say. 

“Just say what you want,” Sara said tiredly. “Nate already has.”

Zari winced. “Fuck. He doesn’t mean it like that.”

“He’s allowed to think what he wants.”

“He doesn’t want to lose you again, Sara. He doesn’t want us all to fall apart. He’s just scared - we lost you for  _ five years _ .”

“I’m not who I was back then, and Ava isn’t either!” argued Sara, struggling not to raise her voice. “None of us are those people anymore. Why doesn’t anyone _get _that?” 

“I know you’re not who you were,” Zari agreed. “Nate knows. I just think… give him some time, okay? The others too, I know you want them to be okay with this  _ now _ but most of them didn’t even know you were dating someone until last night. They haven’t seen this unfold.  _ I _ barely know anything, and I still know more than they do.”

Sara sighed again, running her fingers through her hair, twisting the ends and tangling the strands further rather than combing her fingers through. 

“That’s the thing though, Z. We didn’t make this decision on a whim. I  _ know _ getting back with your ex is a certified bad idea, but we’ve had these conversations you’re all having too. We’ve talked about this so many times it feels as though we’re going round in circles, we’ve checked in with each other the whole way through, we made sure to wait until it was the right time because the last thing either of us wanted was for this to be some misguided attempt at a rebound.” She sighed, pulling at a loose thread on the cuff of her sweater, accidentally bunching up the fabric around it. “ _ Jordan’s _ more okay with this than you guys, and she’s the one with the most reason to be upset.”

Zari’s expression flickered with surprise, but it faded faster than it had appeared and Sara was grateful for that. The section of this conversation that related to Jordan was much deeper than she was ready for right now, with her frustration still simmering in the pit of her stomach. It was the lack of understanding of her and Ava’s secrecy that stung the most - if she and Ava had been more open and had let the others see these feelings unfold they all would have voiced the same arguments but earlier, when neither she or Ava were prepared enough to deal with them. 

“I’m not saying you should have done things differently,” Zari said, surprisingly gently, moving the conversation back to where they had left off. It was enough to catch Sara’s attention, stilling her fiddling hands. Zari met her gaze. “It looks like it’s working. For both of you. And you wouldn’t risk getting your heart broken again if you didn’t think it was worth it.”

Sara smiled slightly, unable to help herself. “It  _ is _ worth it. Ava’s worth it.”

Zari nodded. “And Ava thinks you're worth the risk too,” she said, causing Sara’s smile to widen. Zari sounded certain, and more important than that, she seemed determined and accepting, which was all Sara was asking for. She tipped her head back to rest against the wall, relieved. She shouldn’t have doubted Zari’s reaction, not when Zari had been adamant before that if Sara’s date made her happy then that was what mattered. She seemed to be sticking by that reasoning. 

“So you don’t think this is a terrible idea?” she asked, needing some form of verbal confirmation. 

Zari shook her head. “No.”

“Why not?”

At that, Zari gave her a fond, yet otherwise indecipherable look. “‘Cause it’s you and Ava. You were always That Couple, you know? You made me want to throw up in the library every time we studied together because you were so disgustingly sweet to each other, you had me rolling my eyes at you over breakfast when Ava first started sleeping over. You made each other smile like no one else could, and yet I could never manage to be anything other than in awe and a little envious over how well you fit together. There was just something about you two, together, that I can’t put into words. And I know that fell apart for you, but you’ve now both grown into these incredible, thoughtful, well-rounded people who I love and admire, and if you guys believe that you could have another shot then you should take hold of it with both hands and never let go.”

Sara swallowed the lump in her throat, breaking eye contact with Zari in favour of looking down at her hands. She didn’t intend on letting this go. She wouldn’t let her and Ava drift apart like they had last time, she wouldn’t leave the important things unsaid. If they argued, they would talk through it. If they started to lose one another they would reach out, stopping the pattern they’d found themselves in before from taking hold. But they  _ would _ do this. They could do this. They were good together, they were  _ right _ together, and everyone else would see that too.

“Thank you,” Sara said quietly, and Zari nodded.

“Anytime.” She lightly squeezed just above Sara’s knee and then prodded her in the leg, gentle smile morphing into a teasing grin. “When you’re ready though,” she joked, breaking the tension in the room and causing Sara to roll her eyes, already sensing what was coming, “you can take it from the top.”

* * *

Tonight’s get together had less of a solid intention that most of their group hang outs. Usually they decided on movie night, or board game night, or girls’ wine and cheese, or getting some work done when they were all stressed and overworked and needing some company while doing the whole frustrating  _ adult  _ thing. There were no real plans like that tonight. 

Ava knew that there were two things bound to be the inevitable centre of their group hang out: 

  1. Nora and Ray’s wedding planning. 
  2. Ava and Sara’s relationship. 

Sara was working until 8:30pm at  _ Verdant _ , and as much as Ava dreaded having to show up alone knowing far too well that everybody had spent the last week discussing all their multitudes of opinions about this relationship behind their backs, she also had decided that she had  _ things to say  _ to everybody that she didn’t necessarily want Sara there for. There had been too many times in the past when she  _ hadn’t _ had Sara’s back, but she did now. She  _ would _ now.

As always for group get togethers, the door was unlocked when Ava arrived and she pushed it open to step into Ray and Nora’s apartment. Scattered around the living room were Amaya, Nora, Zari and Nate. Ray smiled at her as he brought a bowl of popcorn over from the kitchen, but there was an edge to it, an uncertainty. Ava knew Wally was probably making his way over from the garage on the other side of town and Mick was in Central City this week so wasn’t coming tonight. That was fine with Ava. She would talk to Wally later, and Mick had been the one person in the whole group who had been unapologetically supportive of this rekindled relationship. (Ava suspected he had figured out something was going on a while ago.) The people here were the ones she needed to talk to. 

Tension hung in the air, and frustration flared in Ava’s chest at the halfhearted, almost  _ suspicious  _ and ingenuine responses and  _ hello’ _ s from all of her friends. Before her anger could dissipate, Ava slammed the door shut a little harder than necessarily and dropped her bag to the ground. 

“That’s it,” she said sharply. “We need to fucking talk.” 

She saw something flash in Zari’s eyes - amusement, satisfaction, possibly even relief - and Ava remembered Sara mentioning her and Zari’s conversation the day after the New Year’s party. It gave Ava a little burst of courage to follow through with the  _ talking to  _ she had prepared; she knew that regardless, Mick and Zari were in her and Sara’s corner. 

“You okay Ava?” asked Ray. It was difficult to give human sunshine Ray Palmer a withering glare, but Ava managed to do it anyway. 

“No Ray, I’m not,” she said, crossing the room and slipping off her coat as she did so, tossing it onto the designated ‘jacket armchair’. “You’ve all had your week of being weird about this, but you guys need to buck up and get over it because this week is all you fucking get.” 

“Sorry, did you forget that you’ve had however many months more of getting used to the idea of you and Sara being back together more than we have?” snarked Nate. Zari slapped his arm from her position on the arm of the couch, her knee digging into his back. Him, Ava had no problem glowering at, and at the intensity of her gaze he shrank back a little into the couch cushions. She sucked in a sharp breath. 

“Look,” she said slowly, trying to keep her voice steady. “I  _ get  _ that this is a lot to take in. It’s not like this was something Sara and I were expecting to happen either. But ...  _ god  _ you guys. Did you think Sara and I weren’t going to show each other the messages each of us got?” 

That made guilt flicker across several faces, especially Nate and Amaya. 

“The way you’re acting,” said Ava, shaking her head. “It’s like when Sara first came back. Treating her like she alone had the potential to destroy everything if she stepped out of line, when I had just as much a part of the back and forth between us. Why is  _ she  _ the one who has to be careful not to screw this up, huh? Why am I the one who needs to make sure she doesn’t hurt me again? Have you forgotten that it  _ wasn’t anybody’s fault that we broke up _ ! We both fucked up as much as each other!” 

Amaya grimaced, opening her mouth as though about to apologise but Nate interrupted first. 

“She’s the one who ran when it fell apart the first time,” he said. 

“You say that like you’re sure it’s gonna fall apart a second time,” Ava fired back. “Wanna tell me what makes you so fucking sure of that Nate?” 

Nate cowered again at Ava’s expectant stare. 

“Ava, we’re not saying we’re  _ expecting  _ it to fall apart,” said Ray. “We’re just tentative. We all had to deal with how badly you and Sara’s breakup impacted everyone -” 

Ava had been expecting this argument to come at some point, and she immediately shook her head. “No,” she said, so firmly that Ray stopped in surprise. “We all figured out a long, long time ago that me and Sara breaking up wasn’t  _ why  _ we all changed and drifted. It was one reason, sure. But we were all changing anyway. Nate and Amaya broke up the next year. None of us knew how to balance life after college with remembering how to catch up. Zari and Jax both moved away and they’d been planning on doing that for years - none of us expected to all stay in Star City together for the rest of our lives.” She gritted her teeth, feeling the familiar guilt bubble in her stomach that she’d become accustomed to whenever she thought about this. “Sara ran away to L.A., and we all decided to blame her for why we weren’t  _ us  _ anymore. And now, you’re all putting the expectation of all the good things about our lives right now staying the way they are on  _ her  _ making this relationship work.” 

Nobody spoke. 

All of Nate’s defensive energy seemed to have faded and he was staring very intently at his lap. 

“We just don’t want to see you guys hurt like that again,” said Amaya softly. 

Ava eased the taut, ready to fight tension out of her shoulders a little, meeting Amaya’s eyes. “I know,” she replied. “I do. But you guys  _ have  _ to realise that me and Sara don’t want that either. As much as us splitting up affected all of you, at the end of the day,  _ we  _ were the ones who had our hearts broken.  _ We  _ were the ones who went through the break up, not you. And we remember exactly how it felt to lose each other. There was never a single moment in figuring all of this out that we were willing to entertain the possibility of going through that again. Hell, you guys didn’t even ask anything about how we got back together. If you had, you’d know that we waited and talked things through and figured out every little thing about whether or not this was worth the risk for five months before actually starting a relationship again.” 

“Wait, seriously?” said Nora, leaning forward in her seat. “ _ Five months _ ?” 

“That means you guys first talked about it in … July?” said Ray. 

Ava nodded. “In L.A.” She saw the knowing look in Zari’s eye and figured that Sara had told her the whole story. Eventually, they’d tell everybody else, but Ava wasn’t in the mood to  _ owe  _ them any kind of explanation. Not yet. “I know it’s a shock for you,” she said, a little gentler than before, “but it’s been a long time coming for us. And we were really hoping that sharing this with you guys could be a good thing.” She gave them one, last, Ava Sharpe piercing  _ look.  _ “I wanted to talk to you before she got here because with how you guys reacted, if it went on for that much longer, Sara was gonna end up spontaneously running away from Star City again but this time, it was gonna be because of all of you. And if it came down to that, I’d go with her. And I know none of you want that.” 

Several beats passed before Zari broke the silence. 

“You guys,” she said quietly, gaze carefully flicking between everyone in the room except Ava, eventually lingering on Nate. “I’ve talked to Sara about this. A lot. And she gets why you’re all so wary and she knows that that’s not instantly going to change. And she and Ava...” Zari looked over to her for a moment, uncertain that she had the right to speak for Ava given that she was currently in the room. But everyone was  _ listening _ to her, and she could relate to this fear of having their group torn apart by Sara and Ava breaking up far better than Ava could. Despite not knowing where Zari was going with this, Ava gave her a nod. Zari returned it. “She and Ava need us to trust them, and support them, and give them space to breathe while everyone adjusts to this.”

She squeezed Nate’s shoulder a little too tightly, but then softened her grip and ran her thumb over the place her fingers had dug in. Ava watched the interaction carefully, sensing callbacks to conversations neither she or Sara had been privy to. This time, at least Nate didn’t look betrayed. 

“We’re with you,” Amaya said softly, sincerely. “ _ Both _ of you.” 

Various nods and murmurs of agreement came from around the room, and the tension eased. But everyone seemed to know it was Nate’s response Ava was waiting for. 

“You’re really determined to make this work?” he asked, sounding uncharacteristically exposed. 

Ava didn’t know where the lump in her throat had come from. “We are.” She swallowed, and Nate nodded, but it didn’t feel like enough. “I promise you,” she said quietly, “even if this doesn’t work out, we  _ won’t _ let it be like before. We won’t. We love you guys - and each other - far too much for that.”

She could sense their curiosity, still. A few remaining nerves hung in the air too, but she hadn’t expected those to dissipate completely, so it was okay that they’d remained. All that really mattered was that the incredible group of people around her had her and Sara’s backs, and were willing to give them the chance to start over, to fix what they had broken when they had slipped from each other's grasp six and a half years ago.

She had given them the most sincere promise she could offer, hoping that it was enough.

Ava tried not to let her relief show when Ray nudged her shoulder, handed her the bowl of popcorn, and instructed her to go find a seat over near the others. It was a peace offering of sorts, and not a subtle one, but she took the olive branch he was holding out to her and after that it didn’t take long for the conversation to dissolve into talk of everyone’s chaotic weeks back at work, mishaps around the city and of course, suggestions for Ray and Nora’s wedding. Ava settled back into the couch, content to listen to the others throw out their (occasionally sensible) ideas, glad that she’d gotten everything she’d wanted to say out in the open before Sara got here. 

Sara deserved their support, and Ava was damn well going to make sure she got it.

  
  


It had been a long week, and Sara was tired. Not the weary, bone-deep exhaustion she had experienced far too many times in her life, but instead a softer, more content kind of tired. The kind of tired that came from getting up early and working hard and staying an extra half an hour after her shift should have ended to help overworked colleagues and then walking across the city after dark, knowing that at the end of it all she’d get to spend the evening with the best people she knew.

Not that she wasn’t apprehensive - her long week had been made even longer by the cloud of her friends’ judgement hanging over her and Ava’s heads, and as much as she had tried to avoid thinking about it, the truth was she desperately wanted things to be good between them all. She didn’t want to settle for  _ okay _ because they were  _ them _ , and they were capable of better than  _ okay _ . Her, Ava, and their friends… they had the potential to be incredible together, to live incredible lives together, to help each other be the people they were always meant to be. And they had been getting there, until she and Ava had dropped the secret they’d been keeping on them. Now… she didn’t know.

She didn’t know whether she and Ava had created tension that wouldn’t dissolve, or whether everyone’s initial reactions were quick and not fully thought through. Whether things would all fade back to normal, whatever normal was, once she and Ava managed to convince everyone that history wouldn’t repeat itself even if they broke up. (Not that she could picture them breaking up. Ava in her thirties, forties, fifties, with a ring on her finger and a grin bright enough to warm Sara’s heart… that she could picture, in perfect, crystal clear detail.)

She could imagine her friends in the future too - Ray and Zari deep in the tech game, taking Palmer tech to new heights of innovation. Nate as a historian, spending half his time as a lecturer and half his time exploring the world, excavating historical sites, learning more and more. Amaya owning her own surgery, Nora continuing her social work, Mick and Wally and Kendra and Jordan and everyone else she’d been lucky enough to ever cross paths with living their best lives and thriving.

One of the main things she had learnt from her time in LA was that true friends like the people she had here weren’t people she could walk away from. They were too important to leave behind - she would always be drawn back into this family. So really, they had to accept that she and Ava were back together and they had to trust them. Maybe all they had needed over the past week was a nudge in the right direction and some reassurance that she and Ava were determined to make sure this worked out for them all.

Despite Sara’s shoes, beanie and coat all being slightly damp from the drizzle that was starting to fall, Sara didn’t mind. She walked without rush - partly because she was a little nervous about what she was about to face with her friends, but also because it struck her suddenly just how breathtaking Star City could be in the rain. There had been times when she’d hated the rain, when it was damp and miserable and the overcast skies matched her equally overcast mood, but tonight the rain was beautiful, small droplets obscuring the beam of the streetlamps and turning the light into a softer, less localised haze. It made her chest tight with that good kind of ache. 

The rain came down just a little harder and Sara blinked away raindrops on her eyelids, smiling a little to herself at people’s futile attempts to stay out of the weather (and the even better view of the people who decided not to avoid it, like the group of teenagers skateboarding in the middle of the street and sticking their out their tongues to catch some of the rain). She couldn’t help but think of that first day back in Star City: the miserable, overcast, rainy afternoon sitting in the back of Jax’s garage in a too-tight black dress with a beer in her hand, wanting nothing more than to run, to be anywhere but here, to feel the sun on her face again in LA and be as far away from all the uncertainty in her life that she had now put herself in the thick in. 

Sara paused, glancing up at the apartment building towering above her. Ray and Nora’s place was on the fourth floor, street side, and she could see the lights on, could see the faint silhouettes of her friends through the rain splattered window. The silhouettes of all the people she’d wanted to run from a year and a half ago. Sara glanced over her shoulder and stole one last look at the rain soaked street, filled with people bustling to get home and city lights glittering in the early evening fog, before she pushed open the door to the lobby and walked into the building. 

She let herself into Ray and Nora’s apartment - Ray had texted to let her know that the door had been left on the latch for her - and left her now fairly soaked coat and shoes by the door. The rain had left her in a good mood. The perfect mood to face her friends for the first time since new year, and see what they had to say.

Except… they didn’t have anything to say. None of them reacted the way she expected when she slipped into the room, finding an empty space on the floor near Amaya. She was late, and she was willing to bet they had already talked with Ava, but even so, it was a little odd.

Nate smiled, warm and comforting, a silent apology mixed in too, letting her know that her urgent need to discuss  _ her and Ava _ with him wasn’t as pressing anymore. (She was still going to have that talk because she wanted to ensure everything was truly as okay as could be, but they would be talking because they could and because they wanted to, rather than because Sara needed to beg him to give her a second chance.) It felt good, having that weight gone from her shoulders. Ray smiled at her too, happy that she had made it here and even happier that she was content, after so long spent searching for the people with whom she would belong. Even more interestingly, the Amaya who nudged her shoulder with a quiet “Hey, you” felt like a different Amaya from the apprehensive version Sara had heard over Ava’s texts during the week. 

She needed to remember to ask Ava later what she had said to change everything and set it right, because she had done an incredible job. Their friends felt like  _ their friends _ again - the ones who’d seen her at her best and her worst over the past decade, the ones who were so tangled in her life that she would never be able to separate them (not that she ever wanted to). Sara exhaled with soft, quiet relief, relaxing against the couch. 

Nora looked over to her, raising one eyebrow. “You’re not gonna sit with your girlfriend?” she asked, a teasing glimmer in her eyes. Amaya was grinning at her too, and Sara was certain Ava’s surprised expression matched her own. She opened her mouth to respond, but closed it again. There was space for her on the couch between Nora and Ava, a Sara-sized space that weeks ago she would have squeezed into immediately, but she hadn’t wanted to disturb the new, unexpectedly peaceful atmosphere she had walked into. But it seemed as though everyone was now  _ expecting _ her and Ava to act as though they were dating. The veil they’d been hiding under - keeping their affections private and inconspicuous, behind closed doors and careful secrecy - had fallen and Sara hadn’t even realised it had been a weight on her shoulders until now.

Nora’s raised eyebrow crept up further, and Sara glanced over to Nate who gave her a look that said  _ well? What are you waiting for? _

Sara’s cheeks flushed and she rolled her eyes, pushing herself up. “I wasn’t sure if -” she started, but didn’t bother finishing the thought, because it didn’t matter. Everyone’s responses were predictable. She laughed softly, shaking her head then settling down on the couch next to Ava, sinking into the warmth she found. One of Ava’s arms slipped around her shoulders, pulling her close, and when Sara turned her head, Ava’s expression caught her off guard. 

She looked at ease in a way Sara had only seen her when they were alone, late at night or early in the morning lying in bed with sunlight dancing across her skin, eyes bright and seeming to hold a thousand possibilities. And… Ava looked  _ in love _ . In love with her, in love with this moment, in love with the intoxicating idea that their futures could be this way too.

“What did you say to them?” Sara joked, voice too soft to be overheard. The corners of Ava’s lips curled up into a beautiful, breathtaking smile. 

“Not much,” she said quietly, barely a murmur. “I just told them what they needed to hear.”

She turned her head to press a gentle kiss to Sara’s temple, and Sara closed her eyes, letting it all wash over her. Ava’s lips, soft against her skin. Ava’s arm, warm and comforting where it rested against her shoulders, feeling as though it was always meant to be there. Faint laughter from across the room, the sound of her friends - her best friends, the best people she knew - enjoying being here. The smell of popcorn drifting through the apartment, sweet and buttery, the taste of it still lingering in the air.

When she had walked away from this place and these people, she’d known she risked losing them all, and she had. She had cut herself off from them and started building a new life in LA, becoming so isolated that she hadn’t dared dream that one day she’d get it all back. She had  _ wanted _ it back, badly enough that it hurt to think about, but she’d severed those ties so thoroughly that it seemed impossible. And yet… she hadn’t just gotten it all back, she’d gotten it back  _ better. _ It wasn’t perfect, because life never would be - it was long days and busy schedules and missing Jax and her dad (who should have gotten the chance to experience this too), wishing Laurel and Jordan could be here (even though she knew they were being the best they could possibly be where they were) and stumbling haphazardly through adulthood trying to stay upright - but it was two jobs she enjoyed and a city she adored and game nights and movie nights and dinner dates and warmth and laughter too. 

And it had all led her here. She was home, surrounded by friends, half asleep on the couch in her girlfriends arms, blanketed by gentle chatter and a certainty that this was where she belonged. 

“I love you,” she murmured softly, because it was simpler than trying to tell Ava how overwhelmingly grateful and appreciative she was for this second chance they’d been given.

“I know baby,” came the even softer response. Without context, it could have sounded cocky, far from the seemingly desired reply. But after everything she and Ava had been through together - and apart - since the day they first caught each other’s eye, it was the only thing left that Sara needed to hear. Ava knew she was loved - deeply, intimately, and by someone who would never make the mistake of walking away again. 

This was all either of them had ever needed - to love, and to be loved in return. 

Ava’s fingertips were gentle as they slipped into Sara’s hair, her light touch saying more than any words would ever manage to, her love pouring out of her because there had always been too much for her heart to hold.  _ Hey Sara _ , Ava’s fingers whispered, softly tracing a path around the curve of her ear, then stroking the soft skin just beneath. 

_ I’m glad we’re here.  _

_ I love you.  _

_ I can’t wait for the rest of our lives.  _

Sara smiled into Ava’s shoulder and let the whispers of Ava’s fingers get lost in the sounds of the music filtering through Ray’s speakers, the soft, comforting chatter of their friends, the rustle of snacks and the clinks of plates and wine glasses, and from outside, the loud, drumming cascade of the rain. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and there it is. 
> 
> we started writing this fic almost a year ago, and expected to be a very similar journey to the hsau. it def was not. aside from the story being Completely different, it was a lot less popular and received a lot more negativity, which made it hard to be driven to write it the same way. especially in the last six months, with everything that's been going on in the world, we just had to let this fic go for a bit because there was way too much going on for us to dedicate any time to it. 
> 
> but today, when we were finishing up the last edits and reading it over, it hit both of us just how fucking much we love it, even after all of the hardship of getting it finished, and just how proud we are of it and how much it means to us both. it got us both back into writing after a really long time. it brought us back to our friendship with each other. it got us through so many shitty days and weeks. it started as my (chim) way to work through my first real break up, and a year on from said break up, while i might not necessarily be a) okay or b) where sara and ava are at the end of this fic, I can't help but look back on being able to write out all my pain into this story and be so grateful i had something to hold onto back then. 
> 
> so to you guys, for reading this, for loving it, for hanging onto this story and following it and taking us baring our hearts and souls to you all and being so gracious and kind in return: thank you. 
> 
> stay tuned for an eventual epilogue (yes, jordan will be back), keep up with us on twitter (@saraalcnce and z__tomaz), and if you watch agents of SHIELD, keep an eye out for canon and au fics we're putting out over the next lil while (and if you don't watch aos, you should, if not for the sole reason that you can read our fics ;-)) 
> 
> thank you again. sending all of our love to all of the parts of the world you guys may be, esp as we all feel so far apart right now. look after yourselves, stay safe, fight for the things that matter and the people around you, and remember to find joy in all these little stories that bring us hope x 
> 
> love always, rach & chim.


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